[THUNDER]
VANCE: Alright... instructions.
Got my lucky elk's foot.
I got a few candles here.
Got my goat's blood.
I gotta bring that back home. That's my mom's.
I got my hell Bible.
Okay, uh...
Arise, bring forth...
[MUTTERING INCANTATIONS]
Fire extinguisher, just in case.
[MUTTERING INCANTATIONS]
GULED: Do we really have to do this?
FRANCO: Well, the tenant board refused to appeal our eviction,
so this might be the only way we can get our apartment back.
VANCE: Arise...
- Grant me a word! - GULED: Ah!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
DEVIL: Who has summoned me?
VANCE: Uh... I...
I did!
DEVIL: Hmm!
VANCE: You look familiar.
DEVIL: I am the Devil.
I come to people in many forms.
TIM: No, no, I've seen you before.
Were you on TV?
GULED: Yeah! Aren't you on that iconic
ground-breaking family sitcom?
FRANCO: Yeah, train 48!
DEVIL: Wait, you watched that?
- FRANCO: Yeah, it was on every day. - TIM: Phenomenal.
- FRANCO: It was on global. - That's a great network.
VANCE: I thought you'd sound different.
DEVIL: Did you expect me to have an accent?
BOYZ: [AWKWARDLY PROTESTING]
DEVIL: Do you want me to sound like this?
[EAR-PIERCINGLY LOUD ROAR]
BOYZ: [EXCLAIMING IN PAIN]
DEVIL: Okay? Look, I'm busy.
What do you want?
VANCE: Well, I want you to bring back trickster on CBC.
- DEVIL: Ah. - FRANCO: Ooh.
DEVIL: Ooh, that's a complicated ask.
VANCE: But I didn't get to see it!
TIM: Well, I mean, you could always just watch it on
the CBC gem app for free.
GULED: It's Canada’s Netflix.
FRANCO: Why don't you just read the trickster books?
VANCE: Representation isn't as fun when I have to imagine it.
DEVIL: Yeah.
FRANCO: Devil, I'd like to make a deal!
VANCE: Bring back Kim’s convenience?
- DEVIL: Really? - FRANCO: No!
Ask for our apartment back, you racist.
DEVIL: Yeah, you racist!
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Racist!
BOYZ: Huh?
DEVIL: Sure, you can have your apartment back...
In exchange for your soul.
GULED: Specifically me?
Why not Vance?
I mean, he summoned you!
DEVIL: Because you're the purest.
And I already own Vance's soul.
VANCE: I wanted to learn how to play ukulele.
It was really hot in 2016.
- FRANCO: Yup. - [UKULELE PLAYING]
GULED: Fine.
Give us our apartment back!
DEVIL: Okey-dokey!
[THUNDER AND MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
- BOYZ: Aah! - VANCE: What happened?
FRANCO: Was it all a dream?
GULED: Did I fall asleep reading Word Up! Magazine?
TIM: Guys, it worked!
We got our apartment back!
GULED: Everything seems normal.
I thought we might run into one of those
ironic monkey paw situations.
- [THUNDER] - BOYZ: Aah!
DEVIL: Hello, boyz!
I'm your new landlord!
- [MANIACAL LAUGHTER] - BOYZ: [SCREAMING]
VANCE: You have to give us 24-hour notice
before you enter the premises.
DEVIL: Sorry, I'll just...
Yeah.
♪ Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo
♪ Hey-yo
♪ Hey-yo!
♪
TV HOST: Canadian citizens pitch their ideas to a panel
of government bureaucrats who have the budgets and authority
to make it happen.
Let's see who makes it through the Beaver's Dam.
BEN: Thank you, Beavers. I'm excited to be here.
PRIME MINISTER: So, what do you have for us, Ben?
BEN: Water.
- [PLAYFUL MUSIC] - BEN: It's boring.
In cities across this country, it just flows from the tap.
It does nothing.
But what if your water...
Did something?
MINISTER: Well, Vancouver and Toronto have been
asking for their water to do something for years.
PRIME MINISTER: I'm intrigued.
BEN: My water is infused with THM,
and I think it should be rolled out in cities
across this country.
PRIME MINISTER: THM? I've heard of that somewhere.
MINISTER: It's like CBD-infused water, right?
BEN: THM is trihalomethanes.
FINANCE MINISTER: Sounds European.
BEN: Please, give it a try.
♪
[LOUD SIPPING AND SWISHING]
MINISTER: Is that... poison?
BEN: Yes, it is.
[ALL RETCHING AND COUGHING]
BEN: THM is the disinfecting chemical found in chlorine.
MINISTER: I knew it tasted like pool!
FINANCE MINISTER: Why'd you make it so fun with the logo and stuff?
BEN: How else are we supposed to make you people pay attention?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
BEN: My reservation has been dealing with a boil water advisory forever.
- PRIME MINISTER: Right. - Yeah, that file's been on my
desk for a few terms now, huh?
BEN: We're sick and tired of being ignored.
Imagine if this were happening in Vancouver or Toronto.
PM: Wait, is it happening in Toronto or Vancouver?
BEN: No, it's not.
But if it was, it would be dealt with immediately.
This is happening where I live, and we need it fixed now.
FRANCO: So what do you want from us?
BEN: What I'm asking for is the government to take
100% responsibility,
with an initial investment of whatever it takes.
PRIME MINISTER: And I'm out.
BEN: But you're the prime minister!
PRIME MINISTER: I know, but there's like
a whole other building filled with people
I gotta run this stuff by to, and it's... ugh!
MINISTER: As the Minister of Ministries, I agree.
BEN: Okay, how about a deal between
- the Minister of Ministries... - MINISTER: Hmm!
BEN: ...And the Finance Minister?
In exchange for doing this work, you'll receive
full first nations support in the upcoming election.
PRIME MINISTER: And I'm back in.
All I want is for you to be cool with me
wearing a headdress again.
I just need to know, is this water gonna make us sick?
BEN: As sick as it'll make anyone.
FRANCO: Okay, then we're out.
- Mounties? - [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
BEN: I just want to thank you, Beavers, for this opportunity,
and I want to let you know that I urinated in your water!
That wasn't pool, that was piss!
Ha-ha!
PRIME MINISTER: I knew it tasted familiar.
FRANCO: And I'm back in.
♪
GROSS R.E.: ♪ The store is Phresh Grocer. ♪
♪ That's what we're called. ♪
♪ Take a step closer and leave with a haul... ♪
[RAPPING] ♪ ...Of vegetables and fruits at discount prices. ♪
♪ Check out all our roots our juices and spices. ♪
♪ Got a restaurant that's partially attached. ♪
♪ Everything you would want, pharmacy's in the back! ♪
♪ City houses we bulldozer'ed to build this phresh, ♪
♪ Freshest of grocers. ♪
♪ The dude who signs our cheques? ♪
♪ That's our billionaire owner. ♪
- Whoo! - BILLIONAIRE: Hmm.
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ Phresh Grocer's moving in? ♪
♪ What the hell is this? ♪
♪ Can't beat Ferrari's, we're a family business. ♪
♪ We work day and night, maybe one day we'll retire. ♪
♪ We sell vintage juice! ♪
♪ That just means it's expired! ♪
♪ Got lotto tickets, smokes, pipin' hot cocoa, ♪
♪ And my daughter's in the back to take your passport photo. ♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
GROSS R.E.: ♪ You can't compete ♪
♪ With our price-matching and our coupons. ♪
[RAPPING] ♪ We rake in the bread ♪
♪ While you get the crummy croutons! ♪
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ Stacked the cards in your favour. ♪
♪ You're cheating at this game. ♪
♪ My shoppers are my neighbours, so I know all of their names. ♪
[MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS]
- FERRARI: Have a good one, Edmund. - LUC: My name's Luc.
GROSS R.E.: [RAPPING] ♪ We don't need to know their names ♪
♪ When we collect their data! ♪
♪ They give it in exchange for points that don't matter! ♪
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ The folks shop here ♪
♪ 'Cause they don't want to conform, ♪
♪ Or they're a boomer craving analogue porn. ♪
GROSS R.E.: [RAPPING] ♪ But you don't sell bulk ♪
♪ Or have free samples. ♪
♪ You've got off-brand soups ♪
♪ While we're loaded with Campbell's. ♪
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ We got a TV always on a different channel. ♪
['80S DANCE MUSIC]
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ A wall of bootleg movies ♪
♪ Next to a Virgin Mary candle. ♪
GROSS R.E.: [RAPPING] ♪ Employees walk around ♪
♪ With a twinkle in their eyes! ♪
♪ They all love working here... No need to unionize! ♪
FERRARI: [RAPPING] ♪ Got an eviction notice. ♪
♪ I don't know what to do. ♪
♪ I'm shutting down shop... All because of you. ♪
GROSS R.E.: ♪ Now that Phresh Grocer's open, ♪
♪ We're here for good. ♪
FERRARI: ♪ Really sucks to lose a staple of the neighbourhood! ♪
GROSS R.E.: [RAPPING] ♪ We're Phresh Grocer ♪
♪ 'Cause, bro, our store is fresh. ♪
♪ We just sent another small business to their death. ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
DAUGHTER: What will become of us?
FERRARI: I just came up with a brilliant new business idea
that will never fail!
Just opened up Ferrari's DVDs.
This time, our business is sure to succeed!
[APPLAUSE]
DAUGHTER: I'm gonna have a happy childhood!
FERRARI: [LAUGHS] Yes, you will.
♪ Red light go. Green light go. ♪
♪ Stop sign go. We stay on go.♪
[GUN SOUND EFFECTS]
KODY: No!
No! [SIGHS]
I smoke weed and play video games.
[HEROIC MUSIC]
It's all I do now.
I've logged over eleven months on GunKill: Battle Royale.
[COUGHING]
I've smoked over 2,500 joints.
All because the government asked me to stay home
to save lives.
So I guess that kinda makes me a hero.
No...
You're the hero.
But isn't that something a hero would say?
This planet experienced a tragedy,
and tragedies require people like me, heroes,
to save everyone.
Am I a first responder?
No, but smoking weed and playing video games
was my first response.
It's been a year since the country reopened.
Normal life has returned.
Yet I'm still here,
doing more than what's being asked of me.
A true hero.
So if you'll excuse me,
I've already been away too long.
I have to smoke this weed.
I have to play that video game.
You're all counting on me.
[HEROIC MUSIC SWELLS UP]
VOICEOVER: Order now and receive your limited edition,
specially minted Heroes of the Pandemic coin collection,
celebrating all of Canada's pandemic heroes.
♪
DEVIL: Ugh!
TIM: Hey, Devil, quick question?
DEVIL: You guys really made a mess of this thing.
Why is there so much meat in the sink?
TIM: We thought that was a garborator.
DEVIL: This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen,
and I literally live in hell.
TIM: [LOUD GULP] Oh...
DEVIL: [SIGHS] Okay, what do you want?
TIM: Well, I was just wondering,
how much do you think my soul is worth?
Like if I hypothetically want to be rich and famous one day,
could I afford it?
DEVIL: One of those kind of question, huh?
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - DEVIL: Alright.
Let's see what we got here. You want to sell your soul?
Ooh, hmm.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but, uh...
Your soul is basically worthless.
TIM: Oh, man!
DEVIL: I can't even get a cup of coffee with that.
TIM: Well, there must be... Something I can get for it.
DEVIL: Hmm.
Let me think.
TIM: Hey, guys, big news.
I just sold my soul for a pack of sour keys.
- VANCE: You won that deal! - FRANCO: Nice!
GULED: Uh, did you ask him to fix the other garborator
- in the toilet? - TIM: Oh, yeah,
turns out we don't have any garborators.
BOYZ: Huh!
TIM: Blech! Too sour.
[DOOR SLAMS]
♪
When the pandemic kicked, my gym shuted down.
All my gains disappeared quicker than toilet paper at the stores.
[STRAINED GRUNTING]
But I understand we all need to make sacrifices
in order to lower the curve and protect one another.
I tried lifting in here, but the thud of the weights
and my guttural grunts annoyed the neighbours,
so I figured, for the sake of everyone's mental health,
I'd give that up, too.
[BONES CRACKING]
And the weights were gettin' kinda heavy.
I haven't done any physical activity in months.
With hospitals already stretched to their limits,
it'd be irresponsible to risk pulling a muscle
and needing to seek medical attention.
- [BONES CRACKING] - It's one of my core beliefs,
that we all have to do our part.
My part includes not using my core.
[BONES CRACKING AND STRAINED GRUNTING]
Gah!
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
When my country asked,
I did what I had to do,
which was nothing.
I stood up for my nation by laying down,
because that's what heroes do.
[SPORTS PLAY ON THE TV]
VOICEOVER: This has been another hero of the pandemic.
♪
OLAF: We'll never defeat the Lord Smoldemort!
SARNERIUS: We must not lose hope.
OLAF: Oh, gosh!
SARNERIUS: Oh, golly!
- BARRY: Oh, fuck! - [MUSIC STOPS]
- TODD: Cut! - CREW: That's a cut!
Quiet on set!
TODD: What the hell was that?
BARRY: That's the line.
TODD: No, what the hell was that performance?
This is a PG-13 movie.
We only get one F-bomb.
You've gotta make it count!
BARRY: Yes, of course. No problem.
TODD: Roll again.
CREW: Alright, we're gonna go back to one!
Hussle! Come on, we're losing light!
TODD: I don't understand it.
Action!
OLAF: We'll never defeat Lord Smoldemort!
SARNERIUS: We must not lose hope.
- OLAF: Oh, gosh! - SARNERIUS: Oh, golly!
- BARRY: Oh, fuck! - [MUSIC STOPS]
TODD: Cut!
BARRY: I thought that one was pretty good.
TODD: Oh, so we're just going for pretty good takes now?
That's the level we're aiming for?
We just want to make a pretty good movie?
Attention everyone, you've all been doing such a great job,
but Barry here wants you to do a pretty good job from now on.
OLAF: Uh, sir, how was my performance?
TODD: Fantastic.
You bring such raw intensity to every one of your lines.
OLAF: I appreciate your wisdom and your guidance.
TODD: And you, every time you speak,
I forget you're even a wizard!
SARNERIUS: Aww, shucks!
TODD: And you,
just say "fuck" better.
Roll again!
CREW: Alright, back to ones, everyone.
TODD: I mean, Canadian actors, am I right?
Action!
OLAF: We'll never defeat Lord Smoldemort!
SARNERIUS: We must not lose hope.
- OLAF: Oh, gosh! - SARNERIUS: Oh, golly!
- BARRY: Oh... - [MUSIC SWELLS]
BARRY: [QUIETLY] Oh... fuck.
- TODD: Cut! - BARRY: Fuck.
BARRY: I'm sorry, I feel like I'm really in my head right now.
TODD: Do you understand how important this word is?
The entire movie rests on your delivery.
- BARRY: Why? - TODD: Why?
Because the tweens need the F-bomb!
Well, only one time in each movie, but they need it!
You, give me the word that makes momma cry.
- OLAF: Oh, fuck! - [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
SARNERIUS: [GASPS]
- TODD: And you! - SARNERIUS: Hm?
TODD: Give me the word that makes papa weep.
- SARNERIUS: Oh, fuck! - [CREW GASPS]
TODD: Now, that's acting!
See, I bet literally anyone on this crew
can say the magic word better than you.
In fact, let's try it.
Crew, let me hear you.
CREW MEMBERS: Fuck!
BARRY: [QUIETLY] You can't treat me like this.
TODD: Excuse me?
BARRY: [LOUDLY] I said...
You can't treat me like this!
- I got two words for you... - [MUSIC SWELLS UP]
BARRY: Fuck!
- You... - [VIDEO PAUSES]
TODD: Hey, that's the best part!
ROB: That's actually why I had to bring you here.
They're actually cutting the word.
TODD: What?
But it's every kid's favourite word.
ROB: Turns out they have a new favourite F word.
- [VIDEO RESUMES] - BARRY: Fortnite!
ROB: Every kid's favourite game.
TODD: Fuck.
♪ One of a billion ♪
♪ Payin' the bills, man bills fan ♪
♪ Live in a building ♪
CRUZ: Ooh, I was waiting for this one!
- Thank you. - DELIVERYMAN: Mm-hm.
CRUZ: See you next time.
- DELIVERYMAN: Whatever, dude. - [CHEERFUL MUSIC]
CRUZ: Like everyone,
I was losing my Goddamned mind during the pandemic.
Then I lost my job, so I had to turn to my community for help.
That's when I decided to become one of those guys
who steals packages off their neighbour's porch.
It's not just the thrill,
stealing other people's stuff has given my life meaning again.
After accumulating dozens and dozens of deliveries,
my shed, which I also stole,
was filled to the brim,
so I needed a new high.
That's when I decided to Robin hood it
and give back to the community.
Does it cause chaos? Yes!
But I'm proud to be a Robin hooding porch pirate.
I'm taking away needless purchases from my neighbours,
and if that doesn't make me a hero,
I don't know what does.
VOICEOVER: Order now for your limited edition.
Heroes of the Pandemic coin collection.
♪
DUXTON: Impotence. They say it's impotence, but...
MANOJ: Oh my God!
This is my song!
- DUXTON: Hey, this is your song! - MANOJ: This is my song!
BOTH: ♪ Up in the club, sippin' on some bub... ♪
BAS: Oh my God, this is my song!
- LOYLE: This is your song! - BAS: This is totally my song!
BAS: ♪ Up in the club, drinking on some bub... ♪
LOYLE: Get it!
- MANOJ: Hold my drink. - DUXTON: Yeah.
MANOJ: Hey, a-hole!
I'm gonna need you to stop dancing to my song!
- BAS: Excuse me, who are you? - MANOJ: Me?
Who am I? This is my song!
No... no, what are you doing?
Alright, this isn't your song, so don't act like it is!
LOYLE: Hey-yo, check yo' friend
before I have to wreck yo' friend!
DUXTON: Let's get outta here. They look pretty serious.
MANOJ: No, no, no, this is worth it, alright?
I'll die for my song, and then they'll play it at my funeral,
because it's my song!
BAS: This song does not belong to you!
So you better step away before I make you.
MANOJ: Oh, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
I need a sip.
This is my song! You want to settle this?
BAS: I'd love to.
JUDGE: So the plaintiff is looking for
full custody of this song,
and the defendant is looking for...?
BAS: Also full custody, your honor.
This is my song!
- MANOJ: I object. - JUDGE: Go on.
MANOJ: That song means a lot to me.
It was the last one I listened to with my late papa.
BAS: Well, I heard it at the supermarket once,
and I really liked it.
JUDGE: Well, damn. Both great arguments.
I will now say my decision out loud.
You will share custody.
- MANOJ: Huh? - BAS: What?
JUDGE: You will get the song on Wednesdays and the weekends,
and you will get it the other days.
Judge Junior has spoken.
[SAD MUSIC]
MANOJ: This is always the worst part...
Drop-off day.
[DANCE SONG PLAYS ON STEREO]
♪
MANOJ: ♪ Up in the club, ♪
♪ Sippin' on some bub, ♪
♪ just got my paystub and now I'm lookin' for love. ♪
BAS: ♪ I'm here to impress, I'm feelin' my best, ♪
♪ Look at how sexy I'm dressed, wearing my favourite vest. ♪
- MANOJ: ♪ Got my best hat on. ♪ - BAS: ♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
MANOJ: ♪ Surely won't be that long. ♪
BAS: ♪ Oh, no! ♪
MANOJ: ♪ 'Cause I'm not a scrub, we're falling in love. ♪
BOTH: ♪ In the club, in the club, ♪
♪ In the club, in the club. ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
MANOJ: Shit, it's always so tough.
BAS: Don't swear in front of the song.
[SONG STARTS AGAIN]
BAS: Yes!
[SOBBING] Oh, fuck.
Goddamn! Fuck me!
♪
LAWRENCE: I like to order all my food on the food delivery app.
It's my civic duty.
Not only to keep the spread of COVID down,
but to also keep our economy up.
That's why I order in five to seven times a day.
[PHONE ALERT DINGS]
LAWRENCE: Looks like my food is here!
What? Where is it?
CRUZ: Looking for this?
LAWRENCE: Who are you guys?
KODY: We're assembling a team.
- LAWRENCE: A team of what? - ALLEN: A team of heroes.
[HEROIC MUSIC]
NARRATOR: There was an idea.
Bring together a safely distanced team
for the sake of the world.
When the first responders needed them most,
the second responders showed up.
For everyone who tipped an extra 3%,
deleted dating apps, or postponed holidays,
we salute you.
You are the Heroes of the Pandemic.
♪
VOICEOVER: You're watching CBC Gem.
It's Canada's Netflix.
FRANCO: So what do you think of our show?
DEVIL: Yeah, it's okay.
Good, yeah!
TIM: Now I remember where I know you from!
It's that beloved Sci-Fi epic about spaceships.
BOYZ: Dark Matter!
DEVIL: [SIGHS]
sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com