Now, what if I seat Stan next to Greg?
It's aggressive, it's bold, and I love it.
Francine, may I just say, using custom chess pieces
to plan a dinner party...
I'm having the time of my life.
Well, I'm not.
No matter how I play it out,
three or four moves down the line,
Klaus ruins my party by talking about Dan Bilzerian
or 3-D printed guns or something else douchey.
I need to go deeper.
Horse tranquilizer, m'lady?
[WHOOSHING]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
FRANCINE: Oookay!
Tuttle mingles with you...
Genius move, Francine.
I could see us talkin' a little dog racing.
But look over here at Parker Deay.
Parker... Parker... Who is that?
Screams "Zooka Sharks" a lot.
The guy who takes tinder dates out
for hot-dog dinners at 7-Eleven?
Love him. Okay, let's play this out.
Good, good!
Your eyes are sliding around, so I assume it's working.
Bacon-wrapped dates!
Lava hot and wrapped real loose!
- Where did everyone go? - They left.
Klaus changed your spotify playlist
to a Marc Maron podcast from 2015.
Ohhh, this one is classic!
His guest is a comedian you've never heard of.
Classic!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
HAYLEY: Mom, your guests are arriving!
One second!
Just finishing up the table assignments!
Greg goes here, Tuttle here, and Klaus sits here.
He-he-he-he-he.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Welcome to my dinner party!
It's wonderful to see you all again.
But maybe some of you don't know Hayley's friend Nerfer.
Don't just stand there, introduce yourself.
I'm Nerfer. I'm Hayley's friend.
I already said that. What else?
I work at the old Spaghetti Factory,
but the new location, which is pretty hilarious,
because old and new are opposite words.
Okay, that's enough. You can listen, too.
Let's eat!
The salad looks delicious. Nice produce.
- Is this from my store? - God, no.
But this tomato looks so familiar.
Look, I didn't steal it from your store on Tuesday!
Francine, you need to do something.
Klaus's table is turning into the damn last supper.
You hear "Bermuda triangle" and you think "whoa,"
but it really is a beautiful area.
It's crazy lush.
I never thought of it that way.
That's so interesting, Klaus!
The world's a big, interesting place.
I just try to keep my eyes open, you know?
Ooh! Would you do your Will Arnett impression again?
I really shouldn't... "Oh, come on!"
[LAUGHTER]
Is everybody laughing at Klaus?
No, we're laughing with Klaus.
[DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES]
So, you dogs are hungry for laughs?
Well, roll over. You got a bone coming your way.
[GOOFY VOICE] Hello. I'm Mrs Walrus.
Anyone have any fish for me?
Are those tampons in your mouth?
Oh, tamp on!
[LAUGHTER]
[DING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
He winked at me, Stan!
That little asshole winked!
- At me! - Who winked?
Klaus! He ruined my dinner party!
- He did? - Of course he did!
He monopolized every conversation
I tried to butt into!
Well, he's been working on his people skills.
I think everybody really likes the new Klaus.
Yeah, I'd like to "nuke Klaus," too.
All the way [BLEEP] back to the stone age.
Sounds like you're a little jealous Klaus
got all the attention at your party.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it sounds like you're wasting dental floss, you idiot!
[MUFFLED] I'm sorry I said you were upset, my love.
Help me out with something, guys.
Klaus sucks, right?
I'm gonna have to reluctantly disagree.
Have you talked to him about early cartoons?
He's super knowledgeable.
He's seen basically every Pluto short on Disney+.
And all the Goofy features.
[DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES]
[MOANING ON COMPUTER]
Why's everyone obsessed with Klaus?
I wouldn't say "obsessed."
He's just... I dunno... likable, I guess.
Have you heard him rap? He's pretty good.
♪ But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina ♪
♪ That means I eat ♪
The guy's an urban poet.
Nobody likes you, Klaus.
Oh, hey, Francine. Sick dinner party last night.
I don't know what all "this" is,
but I want it to stop right now.
Ah. Stan told me you were upset.
Look, I know I used to be a real piece of shit.
Guilty!
But, Francine, I've grown a lot.
Oh, wow, got a giant sequoia over here.
All right, Mr. Growth, I'm gonna throw a real party tomorrow.
A real party for bad bitches.
We'll see who gets more attention.
What the [BLEEP] am I looking at?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Now this is a party.
Everyone, give me your attention!
I think we can all agree
last night's dinner party was terrible.
Aw, I liked your dinner party.
No, you didn't, Greg. I'll tell you what you like.
Keg stands!
No, I'd rather not.
Grab his other leg, Roger.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GASPS] - Uh-oh!
The tap's broken!
You gotta drink the whole keg!
It's not broken!
Shut up, freshman scum!
Ummm, Franny...?
[GASPS] Wow!
Is this mahogany?
Thanks for noticing, Tuttle. It's not.
Oh, Nerfer, the other night, you mentioned you like
hoppy IPAs, so I whipped up a home brew
I think you'll enjoy.
That's hecka posh.
Tuttle, Nerfer, what the hell?!
This is my party!
You're supposed to be paying attention to me!
Klaus is more interesting than you, okay?!
You need to learn to accept that!
I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice.
Gimme those!
Everyone look at me!
The amah-zing Francine will attempt
a never-before-seen roof-to-pool jump!
- Is mom okay? - Oh, yeah, better than ever.
Women are complicated, Steve. Don't drink that.
I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna take off, too.
Is everyone okay to drive?
I can call each of you a vintage yellow cab.
FRANCINE: Shut up, Klaus!
- [GLASS SHATTERS] - Nobody's leaving!
I'm about to jump!
3...
2...
[THUD]
[CLATTERING, GLASS SHATTERS]
[THUD, CAR ALARM RINGING]
Well, at least she still has her dignity.
I pooped my swimsuit!
I stand by my previous statement.
[GROANS]
Easy now. You had quite a fall.
I saw them. My ancestors!
All my dear, departed loved ones who died.
They spoke to me.
They told me they were just as confused
as I was why anybody likes you.
Even the caveman Francine!
People like me because I work on myself, Francine.
I've been following a strict lifestyle regimen
developed by Mark Wahlberg.
It forces me to grow physically,
mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, metaspiritually,
super-meta-spiri-physi- tastically!
Okay, I made that one up as a joke.
I'm funny now, too.
I can't believe I'm asking you this, but...
Will you teach me how to grow, too?
Of course! Congrats!
You're officially enrolled in Klaus College,
a satellite campus of Wahlberg U.
[HORN SQUEALS]
Klaus, it's 2:00 A.M.
You're on Wahlberg time now.
As you can see, the schedule is rigorous.
You'll start and end the day with a 5-mile run.
In between, you'll be reading self-help books,
meditating, belting out sea shanties,
learning basic IT, more shanties,
eating Wahlburgers, mastering Krav Maga,
and you might even cook an exotic dish or two.
This is crazy.
There's no way Mark Wahlberg does all that.
And then some.
He's a big ol' Catholic!
Hits up mass 17 times a day
and leaves a DVD copy of "Shooter" in every Bible.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You feel it, baby? ♪
- [HORN SQUEALS] - ♪ It's such a good vibration ♪
Pick it up! Be like me!
Body and mind are one!
♪ It's such a sweet sensation ♪
[HORN SQUEALS]
♪ Vibrations good like Sunkist ♪
♪ Many wanna know who done this ♪
♪ Marky Mark and I'm here to move you ♪
- [HORN SQUEALS] - ♪ Rhymes will groove you ♪
- ♪ And I'm here to prove to you ♪ - Bang.
♪ That we can party on the positive side ♪
♪ And pump positive vibes so come along for the ride ♪
- These burgers are terrible. - Yes. Very, very bad.
♪ It's such a sweet sensation ♪
Francine, what are you doing?
I'm becoming more interesting...
like Klaus... and Mark Wahlberg.
Are you crazy? Klaus sucks!
I'm sending you something to remind you
what a loser Klaus is.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- [BEEP] - KLAUS: Welcome back to
my podcast, "Klaus of hearts,"
where we explore every interaction
I've had with a woman at a Blackjack table.
Today, we'll be looking at Pechanga Casino
on Christmas Eve, where dealer Janice F.
refused to answer the simple icebreaker question,
"Don't you think it's time to forgive Kevin Spacey?"
FRANCINE: Klaus, where are you?
I'm returning your self-help books!
I came to my senses and realize you suck again!
[GEARS CRANKING]
Off-brand soda, off-brand Maxim magazine, filthy recliner?
I knew it!
You haven't changed, Klaus!
You're a big phony scumbag!
Oh, hi, Francine.
- [BELL DINGS] - Jeffrey, I'm about to reveal
my sinister plan.
Is my fedora rakishly askew?
It's a strong look, Mr. Klaus!
I think it's hideous.
Aaaah!
[BELL DINGS]
So, what?
You hypnotized Jeff or something?
Is it that obvious?
[LAUGHS]
I'm over this.
No, wait!
Okay, long story short,
I learned to control people using a technique
called "hypnotic anchoring."
Sounds boring, and I don't get it.
All right. How do I explain this?
Have you seen the movie "Get out"?
- No. - Really?
Have you seen "Parasite"?
- Yeah. - Good.
Not relevant here, but I'm glad you saw it.
Bong Joon-Ho, man.
So sick.
Anyways, I hypnotized people to love me.
Take Jeff, for example.
First, I learned all about Jeff.
What makes him "tick," so to speak.
And I discovered that Jeff really likes weed.
I do!
So I filled my notebook with fun facts and jokes
about marijuana.
Stuff that would make Jeff smile.
And every time he did...
[BELL DINGS]
And after several hundred of those...
Who do ya love, Jeff?
I love Klaus!
Soon, everyone in town will think I'm so cool,
they'll be under my absolute control.
This is bogus, and I'm telling Stan about your secret lair.
Hypnotizing you was my greatest challenge, by far.
You resent me so much, I couldn't crack your psyche.
So I looked to ultimate mind-bender Mark Wahlberg
for inspiration.
I'm not hypnotized.
Remember this guy?
[GASPS] Oh, my God!
[HORN SQUEALS]
Now, tell me, Francine...
How do I look?
Klaus, I am loving your stupid fedora!
Mmm. A little more hypnosis.
[HORN SQUEALING]
- _ - [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[GASPS] What's happening?!
Francine, you're back!
- Where am I? - You're in a cowboy tub.
I got us an airbnb, far away from Klaus.
Come inside. They've got a ton of incomplete board games.
You like "Trivial Pursuit" without the questions?
Where's the rest of the family?
Oh, Francine, it's terrible.
You were right about Klaus the whole time.
He hypnotized them all!
Where are they? Are they okay?
I don't know. I only had room
for one of you and my luggage.
Roger, we need to go save them.
It's just the desert is so hot during the day
and so cold at night, it's like having to pack
for both the beach and skiing!
I probably didn't need the snowboard, though.
That could've been Steve, I guess.
I guess I could've fit Hayley, too.
Weird.
I don't remember any border checkpoints before.
State your business in Langley Falls.
We live here?
Better let me handle this, Fran.
Hi, sir! Just so you know, we love Klaus so much.
Klaus is the best, is what we say.
The only reason we left Langley was to spread word of Klaus.
In summary, we [BLEEP] love Klaus.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
_
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ I wanna marry Klaus some more! ♪
What the wtf?
They wanna marry Klaus?
Some more?! That's gross!
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
You're gross!
Drive, drive!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Did you hear me call them "gross"?
Was that cool?
I feel like I'm starring in "Jackass"!
Watch out!
[GASPS]
_
There are few things in this world
I hate more than traveling by foot.
[CHIME]
KLAUS: It's your favorite dude, Klaus,
telling you to have a blessed day.
Is that Klaus on TV?
Langley is better than ever, Klaus.
Why is that?
Well, Greg, I made everyone think I'm cooler now,
and the town is cooler as a result.
- I don't think you're cooler. - What?
I think you're the coolest.
[LAUGHS] Wonderful, wonderful!
Do you see what he did there?
Still, I don't like it.
Damn, he's hypnotized everybody.
Be careful, Franny.
People might think you don't love Klaus.
Who doesn't love Klaus?
- Francine Smith. - Roger!
Sorry, Franny, but I'm a sucker for peer pressure.
And the peers are a-pressurin'.
[GASPS]
Klauuuussss!
[PANTING]
Guys, I'm back!
Please, Stan, tell me you haven't fallen for Klaus!
Klaaaaaauuuusss!
ALL: Klaaaaaauuuusss!
There she is!
Thank you, boys, for getting this menace off our streets.
[COUGHING]
- _ - Where'd pink go?
FRANCINE: [MUFFLED] Help!
Keep it down. You'll scare the cats.
Sorry for the hood. I had to tidy up a bit.
Trust me, this place was a disaster.
You live in the sewers?
It's not safe up there anymore.
Me and Beezus just looked at each other one day,
and we knew it was time to form the resistance.
[MEOWS]
So... how's it going?
Pretty good!
I sent a team of cats to breach Klaus's alcove,
and, boy, did they deliver.
[WHISTLES]
[MEOWS]
Boop!
These cats are heroes.
Klaus had entries for everyone in town.
"Francine Smith... loves drinking,
jealous streak, mind-controlled by air horn."
They also found this.
It's a failsafe phrase
to deactivate everyone Klaus hypnotized!
"Enough with the hypnotism already."
It's a good one. Fiendishly simple.
If you can hijack Klaus's broadcast and shout
that phrase, you'll save the town.
You can count on me.
I have one more question.
May I play with your cats?
♪ Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma chameleon ♪
♪ You come and go ♪
[CROWS CAWING]
Roger was right.
Klaus is the perfect subject.
Enough with the hypnotism already!
[GASPS] You're back!
[GRUNTS]
I'm scared, mom.
Why was I painting Klaus?
Because Klaus is mind-controlling
everyone from the TV studio in his alcove.
He's ruined the entire town, and we're gonna stop him.
Enough with the hypnotism already!
Aah!
That's right, Klaus!
I know how to deactivate everyone!
[RADIO STATIC]
Code twenty-niner in the alcove.
Stan, what are you doing?
Calling for backup.
No offense, honey, but hypnosis showed me how cool Klaus is.
Honestly, he deserves to be dictator of Langley.
CROWD: Klaaaaaauuuusss!
Maybe you should try thinking Klaus is cool.
You just might find you like it.
Why isn't this working?
You broke the hypnosis, but you're too late.
The belief in "cool Klaus" is buried way too deep.
You lost, Francine.
Join the mob.
Come on!
I can't make them forget that he's cool.
But what if I can make everyone remember he's not cool?
Capture her, Stan!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[GRUNTS]
Enough with the hypnotism already!
Even if they're not hypnotized, they're still gonna love me.
I'm just getting warmed up, punk.
Thanks to Mark Wahlberg,
I'm now kind of trained in basic IT.
Citizens of Langley, you call this cool?
Welcome back to "Klaus of hearts."
Oh, shit.
On this episode, I'm at the Hard Rock Casino,
alone on my birthday...
the way I've learned to like it.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to protect a bachelorette party
from some creep I hear them whispering about.
But the girls won't tell me what floor their room is on!
I ordered a buttery nipple from the cocktail waitress,
you know, to look like a G.
Then I got a call from an unknown number.
I answered it to cement my G status.
And it was lucky I did, because it turned out
to be my very last chance to act
before the warranty ran out on my car or truck.
Another great birthday in the books.
♪ This guy's a loser! ♪
♪ Well, I still wanna watch TV ♪
♪ Mom! ♪
♪ I know I said you ruined my life ♪
♪ But I need you ♪
♪ Mommy! ♪
Mommy!
Have a great night!
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com