Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea three months ago
and are presumed dead,
and we don't know what happened to them.
Mom, Dad, we're alive.
Time marched on.
Everything's super different now.
If they don't want to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in and take it.
Or you could let me handle them more directly.
No, Chaad. That's island talk.
So what really happened to you guys last summer?
That's a pretty interesting question.
So you want to know where we were all summer.
Let me start from the beginning.
Do you know what an island is?
♪ ♪
Chaad? Chaad, where are you?
Meegan. You're not Chaad.
You're that weird summer at sea lady.
I'm that weird summer at sea coordinator,
and I think you need to prepare yourself
that Chaad might be...dead.
When you let the sails out to get cell reception,
everyone was tossed from the yacht.
Yes, it was a terrible accident,
an act of God
for which no one person is responsible.
I would argue that there is one person.
Look, I'm not trying to start a fight.
We need to work together to stay alive and get rescued.
Okay? Ew.
You're the help.
♪ ♪
Still no cell service.
I can't even get Uber to load.
There are no Ubers on this deserted island.
We need to find shelter and make a fire, okay?
There's a fire.
You really are worthless.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
Civilization.
Finally, I won't be alone on this island.
♪ ♪
What the hell, man?
You've washed ashore.
I am Reynard.
You are very lucky that I found you here.
Where exactly is here?
You're on a strange and dangerous island.
Come, tell me your tale.
I will feed you bananas.
I don't know.
It's all kind of fuzzy.
The last thing I remember, I was chilling on the yacht,
and then all the sudden
a mast was swinging wildly.
Some of us were thrown overboard.
My sister and I got separated.
Meegan.
She must be here somewhere on the island.
We need to find her.
What does she look like?
Uh, she's blonde, 5'6"... Good.
Pretty hot, strong shoulders...
Yes. Long neck.
Long neck, strong shoulders...
big breasts.
Wait, you've seen her? No.
I haven't seen anyone else on this island for years.
Your sister's most likely dead. Like my son.
Now you will be my son.
Nah, I'm okay.
I'm gonna just go look for my sister.
♪ ♪
You're alive!
We saw you wash up on shore, but we assumed you were dead.
I could totally see that with how pale Susan is.
Speaking of which, do you have any SPF?
My dermatologist says I shouldn't be
in the sun without it. We are a simple people.
We have no need for fancy things like SPF.
That's cool. We'll just get some in town.
You do not understand. This--this is our home place.
This is your home? I just assumed it was
your rustic thing private beach resort.
How long have your people been on the island?
We are descendant from pirates.
I was born here.
As was my father, and his father,
and his before that.
Well, as least you have great fashion sense.
JNCO jeans are hecka in right now.
Where did you get them anyway?
Well, the gods of the sea sent these garments to us
in wooden crates atop the waves.
"Gods"?
Of course. When we obey the gods,
they reward us. Clearly we are in their favor.
For they have sent us two of their own.
That's very sweet,
but, no, we're just normal people like you.
Um, she's speaking for herself.
I, of course, am a gift from the gods.
Aha! Hey!
Yes, and they told me that you must worship me
and do whatever I say.
Yes, yes, we are here to obey.
First order of business, banish Susan.
What? Yes.
Oh, I--oh, Meegan!
You're not one of us, outsider!
Does anyone have any cold-pressed?
You will do chores and clean.
That's maids work.
Maids are awarded with money.
You will be awarded with points.
Okay, I'm in.
I'm gonna start with the floor.
It's super filthy.
That's sand.
Yeah, and it's all over the floor, dude.
Not dude, Dad.
Dad.
♪ Today ♪
♪ I sing for the lonely ♪
♪ Today I breathe for the broken ♪
♪ When I was younger I used to pray ♪
♪ To be stronger, to find my own way... ♪
I'm Nathaniel. I'm Susan.
May I touch upon your countenance?
I normally don't do that, but--
oh, you mean face.
♪ I could never write a perfect story... ♪
You seem sad, Susan.
I'm shipwrecked.
I miss my home.
I miss my family and my friends.
I may never see them again.
I could be your friend.
I'm listening.
You could live with me in my cave.
We can share our bodily warmth.
Wow,
you've got 0% body hair.
What's body hair?
I'll show you.
♪ Fade away ♪
♪ They fade away ♪
How did you get this floor so dirty?
I'll never get to the bottom. It is not about
getting to the bottom, my son.
It is about seeing the top.
Is that, like, a riddle? Did you hear the one
about the doctor that's a woman? Silence!
Keep sweeping. You have many points to earn.
This points business sounds like
it's not gonna pan out at all.
This is like "Harry Potter."
"Oh, I killed your parents."
I--you know what? I didn't read it.
I'll watch the movies. I like the movies.
I didn't see the movies. It doesn't matter.
The point system is stupid.
I'm out.
You will return to me, my son.
No, I totally won't.
You will.
I totally will not.
You will. I'm not gonna return to you.
See you soon. I will not see you.
I am going that way. I'm going that way shortly.
No, you're not. I'll find you.
I'm not coming back. I bet you do.
I won't.
See you soon.
Tell you what, Reynard,
Dad, let me give you five--
Ah, monkey!
Duck!
Reynard, you saved my life.
For the second time.
I'll not do it a third.
I won't ever doubt you again.
If that was a real baboon,
you'd be dead. Lucky for you,
that's just one of my stuffed baboon.
That is incredibly lifelike.
Is that sculpted out of driftwood?
I mean, what's that? Focus!
You must always be prepared.
There are not just ferocious animals on this island,
but also a deadly group of pirates.
There are other people on this island.
You lied to me. We need to talk to them.
They might know where my sister is.
Look, if you want my opinion,
she's dead, but if you really want
to talk to the deadly pirate people
and give up all of the household points
you would have made, be my guest,
but first, you must learn how to protect yourself
with one of these. Oh, cool.
Yeah, it's a boomerang. What?
Boomerang. It's what you're holding.
It's not a boomy-rain.
It's a "comes back stick."
I invented it. Okay.
Well, can you teach me how to use your "comes back stick"?
Chaad, I just said exactly that!
You just reworded it! Ah, I see what you did there.
Yeah, break me down. Build me back up.
Psht, it's like CrossFit.
What? CrossFit.
I don't know what that is.
It's like CrossFit.
If you're going to CrossFit,
do it around the rocks.
We live right here.
♪ ♪
We need these words big enough to see
from the International Space Station.
Actually, that T needs to be higher.
Actually, all of these letters need to be bigger.
Actually, are any of you even literate?
Yes, I am literate.
I was born here.
As was my father, and his father,
and his before that.
The art of reading and writing
has been passed down from generation to generation.
TL;DR. I'm assuming you said yes.
Now spell out everything I say in giant palm fronds.
Uh, what do you wish it to say?
"To whom it may concern:
"This is Meegan Bishop.
"My brother and I are stranded here
"and require immediate assistance.
"If money is a problem,
"Contact my father ASAP.
Sincerely, Meegan Bishop."
Cc Chaad Bishop, and put today's date at the top.
Lady, that is exceptionally long.
The gods told me you might say that.
That's why they gave me
this Taser. Ah, she controls fire!
We will do your bidding.
♪ ♪
Sorry, clubs full, people.
You'll just have to wait.
May I approach?
What is it? Forgive my bold nature,
but when your night club is finished,
what will we do here? School girl parties,
after after parties, rich kids Bar Mitzvah's--
ooh, nightly DJ battles. The whole nine yards.
What is the purpose of DJ battles?
We've lived without war for 100 years.
It is so nice to have bouncers again.
Melville, the club is opening tonight,
why are the torches not inside?
He said that, uh, "I had to wait
for it to clear out a bit before I go in.
You can go inside. You're on the list, of course.
Thank you, Goddess Meegan.
Give him 30 minutes, then out.
♪ ♪
Throw the stick at those cans.
If all the cans fall, you get five points
and you get to wash my laundry in the stream.
If none of the cans fall over, you get no points
and you still get to clean my laundry in the stream.
So what exactly are the points for again?
They're points. You get points.
You'll have points.
I can't use the points?
There's no, like, branded headphones,
gift card,
Like, a camping tent-- Just throw the damn stick!
Rip it.
♪ Stretch my body ♪
♪ Push my body ♪
♪ Going for the gold ♪
♪ Going, going for the gold ♪
♪ I, I stretch my body ♪
♪ Stretch my body... ♪
I'll give you ten points if you hit those matches.
♪ ♪
Ah, first aid kit, 22 points.
Nice. Destroy that satellite phone...
30 points.
Life raft, 50 points.
Oops. Hey, no one's perfect.
Wai--wai--wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's this? What a comeback!
Double points.
You are getting very good at "comes back stick"-ing.
Very good. Then am I ready?
To venture into the heart of the island
and face the pirates and save my sister?
You were always ready, Chaad.
Ready is not in here.
It's in here.
Nevertheless, you're still not ready?
Why? I need to find my sister
and get us off this island.
No one gets off this island, Chaad.
For it is like the spiders web.
Because we're all stuck in it.
No, because it's hexagonal.
See, you know nothing yet, Chaad.
Come, there are points to be earned.
Oh, gods, why have you forsaken me?
I was born here.
As was my father,
and his father,
and his before that.
This is our home place.
Melville?
What are you doing on this part of the beach?
The Goddess Meegan has banished me.
All of our tribe is fighting about not being on some list.
But I know a secret.
I have seen the list.
No one's name is one the list.
The Goddess Meegan just picks who she likes
and lets them into her club.
Surely you realize by now,
Meegan was not sent here by the gods.
She's just manipulating you.
Blasphemy!
This is just a test from the gods.
A very painful test.
No.
We must take back our village.
I cannot go against the Goddess Meegan.
The punishment-- What if the gods want you
to go against her?
What if that is their test?
Oh, sure, sure. I can see that.
Then we will strike just after dawn!
♪ ♪
He's my boyfriend.
All this stalking is exhausting.
After this, we'll go back to the hut
and you will refill the water tank.
I don't want to do your chores anymore.
I want to find Meegan. But there are
so many chores to do.
Look, we're running out of time.
We need to strike now. I can sense it.
My sister's in danger.
The gods say, "Danger is as danger does."
Look, if it's not the riddle
about the woman doctor or the icicle knife,
then I don't know what the hell you're taking about.
Just tell me what's going on.
My son was taken by the pirate people
when he was your age, a teenager.
I haven't seen him since.
The pirate people are to be feared.
I had no idea.
I must deduct one point for your ignorance.
Ah, man.
I can't lose another son
the way I lost my real son.
No, you need to stop hiding, Reynard.
You're not alone anymore. I'm with you.
Together, we're gonna find my sister,
and we're gonna find your son.
With our "comes back sticks,"
we have nothing to fear.
What's that sound?
♪ ♪
Goddess Meegan,
we want our beach back.
Are you sure you want to do that?
I've been sent by the gods. Don't--don't you realize that?
♪ ♪
Uh-oh.
Balls.
♪ ♪
First, we defeat the pirate people.
We kill every man, woman, and child.
Then, we burn their village
and piss on their smoldering bodies.
Only then can my son truly return home.
Don't you think that's a little excessive?
I'm not sure I'm cool with killing a bunch of kids.
It's natural to have fear.
Fear is the sound
of stupidity leaving the body.
That is not a saying. Yes, that's a saying.
Nothing you say is a saying.
Words are just
the "comes back sticks" of the minds.
What was in that dart?
Seaweed juice. Then how did it knock me out?
Well, the dart itself was made of a heavy rock.
You shouldn't mess with someone sent from the gods.
No one is in charge here, Meegan.
We all live as equals. There's no "us and them."
No class system I'm on the lower rungs of.
No clique I don't belong to.
Plus, we made love last night.
Nathaniel is my boyfriend.
This is our island, and we're taking it back.
Occupy the beach!
all: Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
I won't let you.
The gods won't let you.
We thought you might say that,
so this dart is filled
with poisoned seaweed juice.
Meegan! Meegan!
Wait, son!
Nathaniel! Father!
Sister! Brother!
Is that the way brothers and sisters kiss these days?
Nathaniel,
son, I thought I'd never see you again
after these savages kidnapped you.
Kidnapped?
I grew tired of doing your stupid chores.
I had, like, 10,000 points and nothing to do with 'em.
You too? Yeah.
I thought I'd get, like, a pair of branded headphones
or a camping tent. Something.
♪ ♪
We need to get off this island.
These people are savages.
They don't understand how gentrification works.
When property value rises, it benefits everyone, people.
She is a demon!
Get back!
Everyone, back! Savages!
I think we need to make a swim for it.
Nathaniel, come with me.
No, Father, I want to stay here,
and get laid. With me, Susan.
Nathaniel is my boyfriend.
I hate to break this up, but they are getting away.
Let them go.
They don't belong here.
Plus, they'll probably die horrible deaths.
♪ ♪
Fortunately, about a mile offshore,
we ran into some Somali pirates,
and we traded my body for a ride home,
but we learned a valuable lesson that day.
Which was?
As Reynard would say, "Human life...
is valuable."
So what happened to the other shipwrecked pirate people?
Did you go back for them?
No.
You gotta draw the line somewhere.
Hmm.
all: Yeah!
Yeah!
♪ ♪
Yeah!
Another.
all: Yeah!
Another!
all: Yeah! Another!
I'm completely gaga.
"Promers" will be documenting our prom tomorrow.
What is "Promers"? What?
What's up, America? "Promers" is back.
Proming it to you as we prom across the promenade
of America's promiest proms.
I need to get on "Promers" and win.
Too bad you can't run a dirty campaign
and get elected this time. Huh, Meegs?
Where the gup have you been, Chaad?
How are we supposed to be voted prom king and queen
if you look like the hottest member of 5 Seconds of Summer?
Chaad is gone.
I am the boom.
♪ ♪