Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea three months ago.
To recite a few lines, we have our own slam poet,
Patrick "Slamrock" O'Brien.
Chaad and Meegan,
School ain't been the same
since you've been sleepin'
with the fishes.
Mom, Dad,
we're alive.
She thinks she can replace us?
If they don't want to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in and take it.
Or you could let me handle them more directly.
No, Chaad. That's island talk.
I am already running late,
but let's get something on the books soon.
God, I need an affair.
Oh, this is fun.
You deserve a king.
Oh, so good.
♪ ♪
Body looks so sick in this cloak.
You know, legend has it that the forest nymphs of Ireland
used to knit these cloaks out of enchanted moss.
You know a lot about Irish mythology.
Uh, yeah.
My mom says we have relatives there.
You should use that and try out for the school play.
They're doing "Leprechaun" this year.
No way.
No girl's ever gonna take me seriously
if I'm in theater.
No, my thing is the all-male wrestling team.
Girls hate wrestling. No, they don't.
Yeah, no girls like wrestling.
Yes, they do. No.
Yes, they do.
♪ ♪
Hello?
Meegan.
Go for Meegan. I'm watching you.
I've got something to give you.
I assure you I've got one already.
This telemarketer keeps calling me
and just whispering my name.
It's like, "Learn how to make a sales pitch."
Ugh, amateur hour. Ugh, right?
Are these contracts okay to sign?
Yeah, yeah, they're totally boilerplate.
Attention, people. Attention.
Please, please. Please.
This year's adaption of the hit film "Leprechaun"
is going to be one of the most challenging
and grueling productions I have ever mounted.
If anyone here is not committed to making art,
then you can get the hell out right now!
No! No.
Meegan, you are one of the leads.
You have to stay for this, okay?
Right. It's in the contract.
Oh. Okay.
Did you even read it? Yes.
Anyone else?
You want to get out?
Excellent. Tonight we open.
I need you off book in 5.
We'll be doing a dress in 30.
The set needs to be built in 4.
So let's get to it.
Have fun.
What are we doing people?
Get off book!
Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland in 445 B.C.
You know what they don't teach us?
What?
How pimp Saint Patrick actually was.
What do you mean?
Saint Patrick, like, completely invented
the idea of partying.
Really?
Everyone was so happy
when he drove the snakes out of Ireland
that they partied for a straight two days.
As Glannoventa. Hey.
According to the confessions of Saint Patrick,
at the age of 16...
What if we--
Nah, forget it. Okay.
No, wait.
What if we got some snakes
and we drove them out of-- Forget it.
Forgotten. No, wait.
Town. In the confession...
Huh. The time spent in captivity...
Okay, so find some snakes and drive them out of town
and create the most epic two-day party of the year.
I don't see anything wrong with that plan.
♪ ♪
Veronica?
♪ ♪
Did you guys see that kid's weird, shrunken leg?
Oh, yeah, from being in that cast.
Yeah, it was bigger before.
Now it's smaller.
People who are different are weird.
You know, what I like, is when everyone's the same.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right?
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoa, what the hell?
That was different and weird.
Yeah, you're not different, are you?
♪ It doesn't matter what you do ♪
You see this loser?
He dropped his coins like a greasy-handed nerd,
so I stole 'em.
♪ Another time, you could have... ♪
Oh, totally. Oh.
Stupid nerd! Oh, yeah!
Let's grab some coins. Yeah.
♪ On another day ♪
I'll be in my dressing room.
♪ ♪
What's wrong?
Oh, my God.
Meegan, who put up all these pictures?
I did, but look.
I think you have a stalker.
Oh, my God.
That is so cool.
Do you think this is the same person
that's been writing me
all these long text messages on paper?
Yes, and they're probably the same person
who's been calling you.
Meegs, this is really scary.
No, it's not.
Stalkers don't just stalk anyone.
It means I'm really building my fan base.
This is ridiculous.
I have a client.
Hello, Meegan.
I want to cut off your nose and put it on my nose
so I can smell all the things that you smell.
You must be my stalker.
It's so great to finally meet you.
I'm really looking forward to working together.
♪ ♪
Okay.
5'8".
That's impossible. I'm 5'11".
The ruler doesn't lie. You're 5'8".
How could I have shrunk 3 inches
since my last height-in?
I don't know. Maybe your bones are settling.
Point is, you're gonna have to wrestle in a shorter class.
He's different. That's weird.
Small boys have more to prove, so be careful.
♪ ♪
Yo.
Check, check, check it.
Check it. Check it.
Whoa, where'd you get those?
Long story, but a buddy of mine owns a snake farm.
Wow.
Guess it wasn't such a long story after all.
I don't know.
There were some boring parts.
♪ Want, want everything, I do ♪
Here we go.
Ooh, sorry.
No, no, wait.
Whoa. Ah, yeah, right.
Saint Paddy, the original prankster,
in three...
both: Two, one.
Banzai!
Ah!
Oh, no, it's Todd!
He's been bit! Ah!
Did you know these were venomous?
Someone get a doctor!
He's going into shock!
How come I'm staying put?
You find him repulsive,
but there's something sexy about him too.
Mm, like Dave Franco.
Exactly. Use it.
Okay, let's go.
So, Mr. Leprechaun,
if it's true that you've got a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow, then what else do you got?
Doesn't he know that she's mine?
♪ ♪
Wow.
That was a close one.
I guess you could say today is my lucky day.
Whoa! Ah!
What is going on?
This is the fifth time this has happened today.
People, pay attention.
I'm incapacitated.
I can't possibly continue acting in this play.
If he can cheat, so can I.
♪ ♪
Marshmallow? Where'd you get that baby?
No, no, no.
Put it down, sweetie.
No, put it down.
Hey, Kyle, I'm home.
Traffic was really light.
Took the 405 today,
and somehow, there wasn't any--
♪ ♪
Cheatr?
Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
Two can play at that game.
Coming up, we've got all the solid gold...
Gold, gold, Irish hits.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day.
Good mornin' to you.
What the hell?
What's happening to me?
♪ ♪
Everything all right in there, Patrick?
Uh, yeah, Mom.
I'm just masturbating.
♪ ♪
Faith and begorra.
I guess it's time you learned, son.
You're a leprechaun.
♪ ♪
Now that you're a leprechaun, you'll need this.
♪ Fit together so seamlessly ♪
So I'm a leprechaun? Yeah.
I didn't even know they were real.
♪ I'll take care of you... ♪ Oh, yes.
Very real
and extremely sexy.
I was seduced by one while I was studying abroad.
I don't know if it was the weed
or the fact that I was just out of a relationship
looking for some action,
but we went at it,
and I mean recklessly.
He didn't even pull it out. Okay, enough, enough.
♪ Long, long hair ♪
So you knew, and you just didn't tell me?
I didn't know if you carried the leprechaun gene or not.
I was hoping it would skip a generation.
So where's my dad now?
Standing at the foot of a rainbow somewhere.
I didn't even get his number.
How am I supposed to show my face
at the wrestling match tonight?
I'm a freak!
What you have to do is avoid the classic triggers,
mainly gold
and also dairy.
What you need to do is cheat on him.
I don't know, Lenice.
It's like a whole new ball game out there now.
I mean, it's not like the old way
where you could just meet somebody in traffic.
Now they all use this new app Cheatr.
See? Let me see this.
No. No.
No.
Oof.
No.
Ooh.
Perfect.
"Help me get even with my cheating spouse."
Ooh, I do love that fedora.
He wants to meet at a hotel.
You have to do this.
Jacq is probably out there
banging some bimbo right this very second.
You're right.
Let's do it. Can I come?
No.
Okay. Just wondering.
Without a lead leprechaun, there is no play.
That's not an option.
This show is doing wonders for my social positioning.
It's opening night, and I already have a stalker.
Little girl, what don't you understand?
We need a leprechaun, and there is...
No one left.
♪ So go on and get it ♪
Not now, stalker.
What's wrong, pretty?
You. Ah.
You're wrong. Uh.
You incapacitated the colead of the show,
and while I appreciate the effort,
the show is going to be canceled.
But we'll have more time together.
No, we won't. Eh.
I'll never set foot in this theater again
unless you can find me a new leprechaun.
Find me a new leprechaun...
Leprechaun...
I'll find you a leprechaun, pretty.
Having an affair with a total stranger
is so exciting.
That is my favorite kind of revenge.
I was really scared to do this,
but there is something so familiar about you.
Yeah.
I think it's your cologne.
Should we go for round two?
Oh, you are wild.
Um, Dallas?
Yes. Okay, good. Sorry.
My name is Dallas. Dallas.
Dallas Texas.
Oh, that's so sexy.
And your name is?
Pittsburgh.
That's right. Ah.
Ahh!
Everyone at the school's gonna die,
and it's our fault!
Braff, watch out! Don't move.
Who are you?
Name's Martin.
I'm a distant relative of Saint Patrick.
No way. Amazing.
By rape. both: Oh.
So you must know how to kill snakes.
Yeah, it's, uh-- It's actually--
It's really easy.
All you got to--
Oh, God damn it!
Got bit. It's fine. It's fine.
I think the antivenom vaccine's in my car.
I left the keys somewhere.
I think it's my jacket.
Tell us how to stop them!
Don't know where my jacket is.
I think these are my last words.
If you want to kill the snakes, just use what's in my hand.
You should be good.
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
Of course. Bare hand.
Bare hands?
Yes. No, no.
I think he meant in his other hand.
He wanted to give us this fox urine.
Ew.
What a pervert.
No, I'm pretty sure he meant bare hand.
Foxes are the snakes' predator.
It makes sense why their scent would drive them off.
Then why did he kill a snake with his bare hands?
Sniff fox piss on your own time.
We don't have time for this. Let's go.
♪ ♪
Bare hand.
♪ ♪
Just wanted to remind you guys what's at stake today.
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
You win today,
you bring home a big gold trophy.
Trophy's shaped like a pot.
It's made out of gold.
This thing is a regular pot of gold.
Pot of gold.
♪ You've got some blood on you ♪
Patrick, you okay?
All I see is this ♪
I got you kicking things off today.
♪ All I see is ♪
I don't know, Coach.
Maybe I shouldn't wrestle today.
I'm kind of feeling under the weather.
And also, nobody's in the stands
on account of the, you know, whole massive nest of snakes
on the loose.
Patrick, I know that you're worried about it,
but wrestling in a shorter class is nothing to be ashamed of.
You're on the wrestling team.
You've already given up on what other people think.
♪ This ♪
Yeah, do it.
♪ Drops getting in my shoes ♪
♪ And the laces alone can't take my blues ♪
♪ Are you only passing through ♪
♪ Or are you gonna love me? ♪
Yeah, come on. Get him.
Good, good, good. Yeah, yeah.
Chew, chew on that.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Oh, you never pinned me, laddie.
Yeah, what's up?
♪ ♪
Don't be afraid.
It's your good old friend Patrick.
I'm suspending you from the team, Patrick.
He's different.
This is too disgusting.
But wrestling's all I've got.
♪ ♪
Coach, please.
Patrick!
You don't have to do wrestles.
If you come with me,
I can make you a star.
♪ ♪
Oh. Eeh.
Okay. Come on.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
Uh...
♪ ♪
You're perfect.
The show is back on.
No, thanks.
I'm not one of your drama kids.
I'm a--I'm a wrestler, a jock.
Theater is the ultimate sport.
Really?
Think about it--
the cheering crowds,
the big open spaces,
the hot dog vendors,
the two teams competing with each other for points.
Theater is exactly sports
but with more social relevance, of course.
All right, okay.
I'll do it.
Theater, you fickle bitch.
The show is back on!
Ahh!
Ah!
I give my wife everything.
She always wants more.
The same with my husband.
I don't know what he wants.
Well, maybe he just wants
a home-cooked meal once in a while.
You're starting to sound like my husband, Dallas.
You're starting to sound like my wife, Pittsburgh.
Oh, God.
Maybe this was a mistake.
Your wig.
Kyle? Jacq?
You cheated on me with me.
The only reason I cheated on you with you
is because I found
your mistress's phone number this morning.
My mistress? Yes, Veronica.
Veronica is my chiropractor.
Veronica Davidson, you met her
last week at the benefit.
You said her balayage was passé.
Oh, dark roots, copper highlights.
I am so sorry I doubted you.
We just need to be more honest with each other.
Yes.
Don't you know
that I would never cheat on you
unless you cheated on me first?
Oh, Jacq.
Oh, gosh, then I think I need to come clean.
I did make passionate love
with a half-man, half-unicorn
who came in through a portal inside our children's club.
I'm sorry.
Oh, please forgive me.
A unipony.
♪ ♪
Which half was horse?
Meegan.
Hi, Blake.
The play's back on.
Mr. Lapierre cast me as a leprechaun.
Curtain's up in 45 minutes.
You'll never learn the lines.
Oh, I'll learn it, Meegan.
You know, it's about time I stopped acting
like a lepre-can't
and started being a lepre-will.
♪ Boy, I'm better than I ever been ♪
♪ Chicks are mad, homey ♪
♪ Take your damn medicine ♪
♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Don't sweat me, dude ♪
♪ Got a swagger that'll get your girl ♪
♪ In the mood ♪
Look at this beautiful rainbow.
What's that, a pot of gold?
The legends are true.
I'll just take this one.
Ah-ha-ha! Take me gold, will ye?
A thief is what you be.
Ah, a leprechaun!
Fear and fright
are always the emotions that I incite,
when all I need is love
for just one night.
Look, Mr. Leprechaun.
I don't want your gold.
I just want a friend,
because gold,
you can't take it with you
and you can't take it...
Without you.
Ah!
Oh, God. Shut up!
We're acting here.
Snakes, there are snakes everywhere!
Ahh!
Ugh, save the cheers and applause
till the end of the show, you idiots.
♪ ♪
Damn it, there's no way
we can choke all these snakes in time.
That's why we should use this fox urine.
There is no way we could possibly disperse fox piss
over this large area in due time.
We can't.
♪ ♪
But your boomerang can.
♪ ♪
Ahh. The snakes are leaving.
Those two guys saved us.
People can't know it was me.
Braff, I'm trusting you.
♪ ♪
From this moment on,
I am...
the Boom.
♪ ♪
Whoever they are,
they're totally cool.
Who was that man?
Oh, it was Chaad.
Hey. Hi.
Dude, seriously, that was so good.
Is it true what they say about leprechauns?
I guess being different isn't so bad after all.
Top of the mornin' to ya.
I don't get it.
I acted the crap out of that play,
and this freak gets all the attention.
Don't worry about it, sis.
We'll get there, but I want to tell Patrick
this idea I have for a web series.
I'll be right back.
Hey.
♪ Bump in the way for sure ♪
I'm still your biggest fan.
Will you massage my feet, please?
It's been a long night.
Ah.
♪ Anymore ♪
Get the arches.
Eh.
I wanted to see if we were gonna go
to the daddy-daughter sleepover this year.
I thought maybe we could go together.
Mom's new husband makes so much more than you,
and he's British,
so that is who I'm taking to the sleepover.
Well, if I can't be in it,
then nobody can!
You ever sex it out in a classroom?
That'd be against the rules.
"Do you want to go to hell now?"
Yes.
Welcome to hell.
Your hell, anyway.
Everybody's is a little bit different.
Okay.