Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea three months ago
and are presumed dead.
Mom, Dad... we're alive.
I'm going to pretend to be gay.
You're what?
The gay clique is the most powerful crew
at my new school.
If I can fit in with them,
it's a chance to totally reinvent myself.
The annual fund raiser,
the Running of the Poors.
And for Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
a recent inmate.
What? She sabotaged us.
♪ ♪
When I ran for school president,
I promised that I would bring
a state-of-the-art hair-removal studio
to this school,
and while my opponents pleaded for a return
to the antiquated notion of natural,
'70s-style hairy beauty,
I promised that if you elected me,
you would have shafts and cat flaps
bald enough to eat off of,
and so...
it is with tremendous pleasure
that by ripping off this giant waxing strip,
I christen this room the Brewster Bay Prep Academy
Waxing Lounge & Spa.
Brace yourselves.
This will sting.
Let's wax.
♪ ♪
Just a test run on my nuts,
then we'll head to the office, okay?
♪ ♪
President Gober is secure.
♪ ♪
Hi, you're my waxer?
♪ ♪
Okay, well, there's no time to waste.
My bags are starting to look like Sweetums
from "The Muppets."
♪ ♪
I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. President...
Mr. President?
♪ ♪
No pulse.
We've got a code 96.
Death by hair remover. Got it.
♪ ♪
♪ I feel the sun on my shoulders ♪
♪ I'm warm when I'm with you ♪
President Gober's memorial service
will be held at 3:00 p.m. today.
♪ I feel the love taking over ♪
♪ I'm calm now I'm with you ♪
I just didn't think I'd be so affected by it.
He was really ushering in a new era of optimism
and excitement, you know?
New alkaline water fountains
and cold-press water.
I guess this must be how our parents felt
when they lost that dude from Sublime.
♪ I'm just a girl in a white dress ♪
You know?
Hi, Meegan.
Nice campaign poster.
Thanks, uh...
curly hair...
Curtis.
Kadelyn.
How'd you get something that professional done so quickly?
I mean, the president's bones aren't even dry yet.
Ohh. I know who you are.
You're the newspaper girl.
It's just...
Gober knew that change requires momentum,
and he would not have wanted us--
he wouldn't have wanted us to stop just because--
that he accidentally died,
so...
my intentions are totally pure.
♪ ♪
Chaad, what the hell are you doing?
Can't trust this doofus with anything.
Sorry, Meegan.
Why do I even keep you around?
Come on.
♪ ♪
I know you're hiding something, Meegan Bishop.
Everyone's got skeletons.
Too soon!
Sorry.
No, no, no. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Martha. Yes.
No, I knew we could count on you, thank you.
So you better pick up the pace, Meegs.
You're trailing me by 38 points.
Parker? You're running?
Yeah, my dad says if I want to get in
to my first choice school, I can't just coast
on "being a lawyer."
He's so right.
I'm so glad he pushes me.
Sometimes past my breaking point.
You can't be president.
Your family's boat is made out of fiberglass.
You're white trash.
What? Really?
You've got a fiberglass boat? That's embarrassing, Parker.
Oh, my God. I have to text that to Ezra.
No, we were gonna get a boat made out of wood, really.
It's--it's really hard to maintain wooden boats,
and so we got fiberglass. It's cost-effective.
Send it to everyone, Braff.
The text is sent.
Oh, no!
♪ ♪
Dang, that got around fast.
That's right. Politics.
I don't know.
It doesn't seem fair.
Are you sure you really want to be doing this?
Of course we do.
Well, the dirty tricks are your job.
I have to stay above the fray,
so go out there and get some dirt on those candidates.
No.
♪ ♪
No, for too long have you pushed me around
just so you can be queen.
Well, no more.
From now on...
♪ ♪
You're on your own.
♪ ♪
Meegan and Chaad are done-zo.
♪ ♪
Go, man.
♪ ♪
I know you did this, Meegan.
♪ ♪
Whoa.
What are you doing in here? This is a crime scene.
I'm, uh...
Wait, you're Meegan's brother, right?
Chaad?
Yeah. Can I stay?
If I'm just...
trying to get laid?
That's nice.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's there.
Can I ask you something?
Why do you let Meegan push you around so much?
I mean, she treats you like I treat my parents.
Yeah.
Without Meegs, I'd be stuck on a desert island.
She does crap all over me, though.
I think I'm getting to the point where I'd be into...
maybe betraying her.
You know, I wasn't gonna mention it,
but I'm investigating President Gober's death,
and I think your sister had something to do with it.
Helping me would be a pretty effective way
to stand up for yourself.
Plus, remember when I had sex with you?
Okay, I'm in.
♪ ♪
I'm so mad.
I just can't even...
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
God, get off me, Braff. What do you want?
I have never seen anybody take anyone down
as officially as you did Parker,
and now, people are saying
you and Chaad might be done-zos?
I want in.
Let me be your right-hand man.
What do you get out of this?
You're the gay mafia capo, Braff.
You don't need me.
Let's just say I'm looking to...
diversify my portfolio.
What, like more Asian guys? Never mind.
Look, it's good to have the ear of the president.
Now, currently, you're trailing in fourth,
with Beatrix ahead of you.
Now, it seems like the only demos that like you
are the ugly girls who'll do anything to be liked.
The poor kids who think they have a chance with you.
Ew.
And the horny male teachers.
In other words, the male teachers.
So if you have any chance of winning,
you need more secrets to take down your opposition,
and people tell me everything.
So do you want to win?
Uh, yeah.
Then let's get started.
First off,
Darcy Swede.
Everyone's fawning over her new fake eyelash extensions.
What they don't know is that they're actually genetic.
Okay, good for her. Uh-uh.
Darcy's actually got a severe hormone imbalance:
too much testosterone coursing through her veins.
She's got extended hair everywhere.
Got you, betch.
Benedict Armoire, British transfer.
Highest number of sexual partners in the school,
just 'cause he's got an accent.
Let's deport his ass.
I got blueprints here.
Yeah, my friend gave me those. What's up, man?
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, this kid's planning on blowing up
the Carter mansion.
Call the FBI. Oh, come on.
♪ ♪
Your old nemesis, Beatrix.
You know, her campaign is majorly funded
by the cram cartel.
So we send that bitch to prison.
Wait, wait, whoa.
Whoa, you--you got Beatrix sent to prison?
I thought we were just gonna make her, like,
resign or something. That's not cool.
You got to be more specific.
♪ ♪
Hey.
I need to see the security footage from the opening.
Oh, um, the security footage?
Mm-hmm. Sure.
Well, yeah, I--
Shh.
Have you ever done it in a closet...
Dave?
A closet?
Uh-huh.
No, I haven't--
This closet?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
So what do you say now?
Can I look at the security footage?
Oh, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
That stuff isn't off-limits.
It's open and available to everybody.
Come on in, Chaad.
Already here.
Let's wax.
Just a test run on my nuts,
then we'll head to the office, okay?
♪ ♪
There, that.
See the time code there?
That's when the president died.
She couldn't have done it.
She was making out with Mr. Neenan.
No, no, no. this isn't right.
We're missing something.
We need to analyze this more.
I'll AirDrop it.
Hmm. Got it.
Let's go.
Oh, sorry.
I got the key card.
Shh.
Let's see if I can talk you
into opening this door for us.
I--I'll open it now.
We don't have to go back in here.
God.
♪ ♪
There's got to be a connection.
Well, maybe Braff could help. He knows that world.
He lost an election to Gober last year.
What? Yeah.
Braff lost to Gober last year?
Don't you think that's an important detail?
♪ ♪
My God.
But why?
♪ ♪
Hi, Parker.
What do you want, Meegan?
I just wanted to let you know
that the presidential race is over.
All the other candidates dropped out,
so it's de facto me.
Huh. That's not right.
Yeah, you're still trailing second in the polls.
Behind who?
Behind me.
♪ ♪
You? Uh-huh.
You know, thanks for taking out all the competition.
Now we've got a race between the handsome,
popular picture of our future genderqueer America
and you, Meegan.
A withered, dusty old turd,
bleaching in my sun.
♪ ♪
See you at the debate, sucker.
♪ ♪
Brewster Bay Prep Academy,
we will now begin the presidential debate.
Please welcome your moderator,
Headmistress Tarcher.
What?
This bitch has it in for me.
♪ ♪
Hello, Braff.
Hello, Ms. Tarcher. Hello, Ms. Tarcher.
Students will wait
until they've been asked a question to speak.
Shall we begin?
Braff, you have found yourself
at the forefront of cutting-edge taste
and cultural progress as the leader of our gay mafia.
What's the best Beyoncé song?
Are you kidding me? What kind of question is that?
Do not interrupt me!
Braff, you were saying?
Look, Brewster Bay Prep,
I know you all want to give it to "Drunk in Love"
or "Love on Top,"
but it's high time that this school
embraces the truth.
Search your soul, and you will find
the best Beyoncé song is...
"Countdown."
Excellent response
on a subject that we do not talk about enough.
Meegan, the next question is for you.
More and more, the public school system
finds itself unable to resolve the conflict
between the need to hold
poorly performing teachers accountable
and the relative ease with which
they achieve tenure.
How do you propose we solve this problem?
♪ ♪
Uh...
And so ends the first half of our debate.
We will now have a pointless intermission,
as if Meegan stands a chance in the second half.
♪ ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?
Ugh, come on.
♪ ♪
Oh, God. Oh, God.
♪ ♪
She's completely railing me out there.
Better luck next time, baby.
It's over, Braff.
We've got you. Got me?
We know you're the one who assassinated Gober.
We've got you on camera.
No way.
Oh, my God, you're screwed.
This is amazing.
I didn't know you had it in you, Braff.
I don't.
I didn't murder anyone.
You've got it all wrong. Uh-uh-uh.
We have got you on camera.
That's because...
♪ ♪
I was having sex with a girl.
♪ ♪
Fast forward, Kadelyn. Do it.
Oh, my God.
We were going at it in one of the waxing stalls,
so nobody would see us,
but then the president came in.
We had to hide in the closet.
Otherwise, we'd both be exposed,
Darcy for being secretly hairy,
and me for being secretly hetero.
♪ ♪
Hi, you're my waxer?
We heard everything,
and the struggle was awful,
but we were too scared to look out.
Look, I don't know who murdered the president,
but it wasn't me,
and you guys, you can't tell anybody that I'm...
Who cares who murdered the president?
It looks like I'm about to be president.
I've got you, Braff.
Meegan, no, no. You can't use this.
I hope you enjoyed that first round.
Let's see how the school feels about your boring,
one-note sexuality.
♪ ♪
Welcome back.
And before we finish,
do either of you have any closing remarks?
I do.
My fellow Brewster Bay students,
first off, I'd like to thank you all
for your support that you've shown me
and my staff throughout this campaign,
but before I talk about myself,
I'd like to talk about Braff.
You see,
our friend Braff here is--
Not cut out to be president.
I'm--I'm simply not cut out for this.
I'm a proud gay teen
with cheekbones carved from marble,
and I've enjoyed the popularity
that's come with it.
I entered this race
thinking about how I could benefit
from the popularity and power
that comes with being in the student government.
I wasn't thinking about how you all would benefit.
I owe you more.
I owe myself more.
♪ ♪
Headmistress Tarcher,
I hereby withdraw from the race.
I'm no match for Meegan.
♪ ♪
Braff, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm no better than Meegan.
I just--I so wanted a front-page story
that I sacrificed my integrity in the process.
I guess we'll never know who murdered the president.
Open your eyes, Kadelyn.
♪ ♪
Thank you to everyone for believing in me.
To show you how excited I am
for a fresh start, I would like to put aside
our previous public disagreement
and formally nominate my brother Chaad
as my chief of staff.
♪ ♪
Meegan and Chaad are done-zo!
♪ ♪
No.
What are you doing here? This is a crime scene.
I'm, uh...
No, no, no, no, no.
♪ ♪
Son of a B!
I should have watched the whole tape.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
♪ ♪
You did this.
We did it.
Slide it.
♪ ♪
Now let's really get to work.
St. Patrick, like,
completely invented the idea of partying.
When he drove the snakes out of Ireland,
everyone was so happy
that they partied for two straight days.
Check it.
Check it, check it, check it.
Whoa, where'd you get those?
Long story,
but a buddy of mine owns a snake farm.
You should even try out for the school play.
They're doing "Leprechaun" this year.
If anyone here is not committed,
then you can get the hell out!
Yep, no, Meegan,
you are one of the leads.
You have to stay for this, okay?
Anyone else.
Jacques is probably out there
banging some bimbo.
What you need to do is cheat on him.
Now they all use this new app, see?
Two can play at that game.
Look.
I think you have a stalker.
Oh, my God. That is so cool.
♪ ♪