Many of you may have hard that our two most popular,
wealthy students, Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea three months ago.
Hello, everyone. We're back.
When you were gone, time marched on.
Everything's super different now.
She thinks she can replace us.
If they don't want to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in and take it.
I'm going to pretend to be gay.
You're what?
The gay clique is the most powerful group at my new school.
It's a chance to totally reinvent myself.
TV announcer: Tune in Friday night
for "The Running of the Poors,"
brought to you by Brewster Bay Preparatory Academy.
Poor contestants are chosen at random,
then trained to act rich and entitled
by selected Brewster Bay students.
It all leads up to the fake competition,
the poor that most convincingly acts wealthy
will take home the $12 million prize.
See it all Friday night, live and uninterrupted.
Oh, my God! Who are you?
We're rich.
You've been selected for "The Running of the Poors"!
Oh, my God!
But shut up.
Okay.
♪ ♪
And I told him, "Do not wear a newsboy hat."
Anyway, I had to change my status back to single
immediately.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hi. Could you tell me where the poor sign in?
I'm a little late.
I had to till the peanut fields this morning.
Oh, where are my manners? I'm Nick.
Um, your hands are really dirty,
and I just oxygenated mine.
Go find a sink.
Thank you kindly.
I am thrilled to kick off the annual fundraiser,
The Running of the Poors.
It will consist of a series of events
that will test the financially disadvantaged citizen's ability
to live among the non-poor,
for the chance to win $12 million.
Hey. That's a whole lot of money.
I will now randomly draw the student/poor pairing.
You have 48 hours to teach your poors
the ways of the wealthy.
The most convincing poor will take home the prize.
Darcy Swede, your poor is...
John D'Agostino, a horseback riding instructor.
Beatrix Driver, your poor is...
Nick Bolen, a peanut farmer.
What?
Lucas Shapiro, your poor is...
No.
The President of the United States.
And for our reigning champions, Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
Wayland Brice, a recent inmate
released from the Brewster Bay penitentiary.
What? She sabotaged us.
The Warden likes to call him "a true psycho."
Enjoy.
We're gupped.
Well, I have some good news.
I got an invite for us all tonight
for a very exclusive one-night-only engagement
of Vicki Katz.
Can you believe it?
You're acting super weird, Braff.
♪ ♪
It's almost as if you don't know who Vicki Katz is.
Of course he does.
Vicki Katz is the gay comedienne.
Every gay man on earth knows who Vicki Katz is.
Vicki Katz loves her gays, and we love her right back.
Yeah, exactly.
♪ ♪
♪ We the illest ♪ ♪ What? ♪
♪ Everybody grab your drinks ♪
♪ Don't spill it ♪
♪ I got a drink in my hand ♪
♪ Chug it, get another one I think that's my plan ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Okay, let's start with your health.
Trust me, Wayland, for your blood type,
whey protein over hemp was definitely the right move.
I'm kind of a holistic nutritionist.
Okay.
Shall we move on to "Investing in Cool Street Artist"
or "Gut Cleansing 101?"
Listen, princess, I'm gonna win this contest.
I didn't survive in prison by shoving kumquats up my ass
or whatever it is you fancy-pants kids do.
I survived by deciding what was mine and taking it.
♪ ♪
Get up.
Excuse me, you may have our seats
once we're through with our petit déjeuner,
thank you very much.
Okay, all yours.
Looks like we're done with real estate takeovers.
What's next?
Mmm.
Now, I promise you I will give it my all.
Before he died, my daddy told me that hard work will alw--
I don't care. We're not gonna be friends.
This is strictly a business relationship.
Okay.
And for the record, I don't like farmers.
It's farmers who refuse to let my father
eminent-domain their land into a golf course.
Look, I don't know nothing about that, I swear.
All right, I'm just here to win a better life for myself.
Surely we can find some common ground, Beatrix.
These smoothies are sweet as a Georgia peach.
I think I'll have another one. You all right?
Yeah.
Okay.
♪ Ah, it's true ♪
♪ ♪
Call me when I'm not at Cher's house, Mom.
She drinks. I can't blame her. I drink too.
I was born this way.
Bananas? Bananas? Who even likes bananas?
Who even eats bananas? Nobody.
Doesn't everybody eat bananas?
Daniel Craig, Daniel Radcliffe.
Daniel Craig, Madonna!
No, no, I'm done, that's it.
I don't get it, not gonna try.
You're acting super weird, Braff.
It's almost as if you don't know who Vicki Katz is.
Vicki Katz is. Vicki Katz is. Vicki Katz is.
Okay, I have to try to get it. This--
Uh, Madonna.
The toughest event will be wine tasting.
Wayland, we're supposed to be teaching you about wine.
Why are we not in a vineyard?
Shut it. In the pen, wine doesn't come from grapes.
Comes from mop buckets.
Okay.
You got some enemies in the pen,
get yourself some arsenic--
maybe from a crooked guard or something--
and you poison his bucket wine.
Oh, hold up.
Always wear gloves when you're sprinkling arsenic,
and if you ain't got no gloves, get yourself some condoms.
Put 'em on your fingers like some little finger puppets,
and if you ain't got no condoms, don't have sex with anyone.
Would you consider this to be more of a Burgundy
or a Bordeaux?
Rosé, dumbass.
♪ With my hair blowin' ♪
Ahh.
Okay, Old MacDonald, focus up.
Let's try another one.
Which one is bougie, which one is basic,
and which one is boss?
I don't get it.
Let me explain this to you in simple farm person terms.
Right now, you are not bougie--
I mean, you're not even basic-- and if you ever hope to be boss,
you need to understand that status is everything.
This cream filled mask is burning my face.
That's good.
A glowy, waxy complexion communicates high status,
and high status means being able to categorize people and things
so you can place them below you.
Oh.
Okay?
I think I get it now.
Now, which one is bougie, which one is basic,
and which one is boss?
The vanilla scented candle is basic.
Tulum, Mexico... bougie?
And eyelash extensions are boss.
Yes.
Yeah, I mean, you got 'em all right.
Oh, my goodness. Yes, yes, yes!
I can't believe it.
I did it, I did it, I did it! You did!
♪ I don't want to say it ♪
♪ But I'm gonna say it anyway ♪
Um, we should totally take a break.
How 'bout I shows you a bit of my world,
seeing as that you've already shown me so much of yours?
Okay.
I know we've been doing things pretty unconventionally so far,
and I've totally learned a lot.
Trust me, when it comes to the style category,
I am the master.
Do you love it or do you love it?
♪ ♪
You're still not getting it! Now, who the hell are you gonna
intimidate dressed like some micro-dick from Princeton?
Now we need something that says, "I killed three people today
and it meant nothing to me."
Now, that's what I call style.
Stop!
♪ ♪
This is amazing.
It's like we're in a gang.
Oh, you are, and the only way out is death.
Wow.
Tight.
♪ Now, rock it Now chilling with my top ♪
♪ Now ridin' dirty super low ♪
♪ Never gon' get life ♪
I've heard my au pair talk about the supermarket before,
but I never imagined I'd actually go to one.
Not too bad, right?
Sometimes it's nice getting outside of your comfort zone.
Yeah.
I mean, I really like checking out your eyes.
I mean, I really like the checkout line.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
♪ And tuck you in at night ♪
♪ To see you standing ♪
What are we doing? What are we doing?
We shouldn't be doing this.
It's okay.
♪ Years from now that's when I'll say ♪
What if someone sees us?
We could be disqualified from the contest.
We're safe here.
Rich folk don't buy their own groceries.
You're right about that.
But our poor here was just teaching us
about five finger discounts.
Oh. Hey, Meegan.
We were just rehearsing for the school play.
Yeah.
Stop.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Here's how it's gonna go.
If you don't want us to tell anyone
about your little boy toy here,
he's gonna drop out of the contest,
and you'll never get in my way again.
Now you watch your tongue with her, hoss.
We have just as much right to compete as anyone else.
Okay. You're right, that's reasonable.
Isn't it, Chaad?
Yup.
Too bad we ain't reasonable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
Take that!
I meet so many guys, I might be Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift. Do you see it?
Okay, I got this. I know her stuff inside and out.
I know when to laugh, I know when to scream,
I know what to say, "Yassss!"
It's like having all the answers before taking the test.
What you doing, Braff?
Oh, hey, man, I'm just--
I'm chilling.
Hanging out.
It looks to me like you are watching videos of Vicki Katz.
Now, why would you need to do that?
It's almost as if you're not really gay.
♪ ♪
Come on, man, I'm just watching
some of my favorite Katz bits.
Okay. Just checking.
We got this thing in the bag!
So hard.
Yeah. Yeah.
You look so good.
Afternoon, Mr. Hemming.
Damn it, Raoul, I told you, wait around the corner!
Yo, what the hell's going on, man?
Are you not an ex-con?
I'm an actor.
This is all just about research for my next part.
Technically, I'm also an ex-con. I did an overnight for a DUI.
You made us get face tattoos? You're not poor at all!
You willingly got that tattoo, and they look great.
It's not my fault that you didn't get
a temporary henna one like I did.
I'm due back on set.
Good luck tomorrow.
Oh, hell no.
I'm an actor. Hell no.
Dressed like some micro-dick from Princeton.
Hell no! Rosé, dumbass.
Dumbass. Hell no!
Ha!
Damn it! Boomerang proof!
How are we supposed to win if we don't have a poor?
♪ ♪
I know what you guys are wondering.
Yeah, I totally waxed for this.
It was not easy.
It was like "The Hunger Games" down there.
Miss Katz, will you do the banana bit?
How do I say no to a face like that?
Like this--no.
Ooh!
You know, here we are in such an intimate setting,
and I know you want to hear the classics,
but I just want to try out some new stuff.
Can we do that? Yeah.
Come on! I think you'll like it.
Here we go. I was at a roof party
at the Mercer the other night...
all: Ooh!
And someone asked me if I had a cigarette.
And I was like, "Honey"...
"I've had cigarettes since before your mother
even knew about birth control, okay?"
Ugh! What's the matter, Braff?
It seems like you're not really getting her new material.
I get it.
Don't smoke when you're pregnant.
Uh-oh.
I think someone doesn't belong here.
You're not like the other men here.
♪ ♪
You're even more gorgeous.
I didn't think it was possible to look as great as--
I mean, come on, look at those cheekbones!
I think I just found my new flower boy.
Eat it, Jack.
It goes like this. Oh, doesn't that feel good?
Doesn't it? Okay, now me.
Now do it for me. Now do it for me.
Oh, you do that really well.
♪ ♪
Competition starts in a few hours,
and we still don't have a new poor.
We're gupped.
I...declare war on you!
There will be no mercy!
Only condemnation and the flood of tears!
Maybe not.
God's gonna strike you down!
Chaad, no.
Why? All the other poors in town are taken.
He's not gonna know how to do anything.
He doesn't need to.
Wayland was a fraud,
but he taught us to do whatever it takes.
And the fire!
You and I, we got this.
I am the angel of the Lord and the pillar of fire!
Do you have any change?
Looks like we got ourselves a poor.
Welcome to the "Running of the Poors."
Let me introduce our mistress of ceremonies,
Vicki Katz.
Hey, hey. So glad I made it.
She loves Braff.
I came right from my friend's house,
and I think you know I'm talking about Madonna.
You may wonder how I got here.
Nick, you have to compete.
I can't, Bea, all right, they messed up my leg real good.
That is basic thinking,
when I know that deep down, you're a boss.
Yeah. If we beat Meegan and Chaad,
then I can return to power and you can be filthy rich,
and we can spend the rest of our lives together.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, are you gonna act like a rich person?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Good.
Now go get that fresh, waxy face out there
and win it, for us.
♪ Heart ♪
Is this church?
Just do what we say.
Best of luck to everyone, especially the boys.
And go!
Are--are we supposed to run to the first task, or--
what's going on?
Round one, sushi eating.
Let's see how these blue collar hunks
handle their fish.
Ah!
Looks like Darcy's poor is in trouble.
Too much wasabi? No, he's dead.
But that manly man Nick looks like a seasoned pro.
Round two: wine tasting.
And the hobo's done first.
What's that? A man has appeared.
Come on, people, we've all been there.
No? Only me? Okay, I guess so.
More of a beer man?
I've always been a martini lady myself.
And we're down to the final two.
Congratulations, poors, on making it
to the final and most important challenge.
Your reputation among the elite depends
on how you carry yourself in this situation.
Nick, you're up first.
Hi, what can I get for you?
One sec, I'm on the phone.
Ooh, nice move.
I told you to handle that and get back to me.
I'd like a venti skinny almond milk chai latte, please.
Sure. Hold the whip.
Complicated order. Yup.
Oh, weird. It looks like we're out of almond milk.
Tough break.
Five finger discount.
Slide it.
This is a major setback.
Can I use something else for you?
Then I'll have a--
He'll have to pull off something huge
to come back from this.
Listen here, in my pocket I have $1,000 cash.
You can find me almond milk in the next five minutes,
that money is yours, but if you cannot,
you're just another minimum wage failure,
and you will always be a loser.
Choice is yours, and the clock starts...now.
Right. Tick tock.
I won't let you down, sir.
Amazing, he did it.
What a sense of entitlement.
That's gonna be hard to top.
Let's see how the hobo handles the pressure.
Hi, what can I get for you?
Is this steam?
Apparently, this counts as making your own drink.
That's a disqualification.
♪ ♪
Your winner is Nick the farmer.
Nick, you have just won $12 million!
You are no longer poor!
We did it! Oh.
Beatrix, this has been so amazing.
You have changed my life forever,
and I want to spend the rest of it with you.
Oh, my God.
Yes. Yes!
Beatrix?
Mom? What's going on?
The case against your father by the farmer's union, they won.
The real estate, the golf course,
the glam room, everything.
We're poor, baby.
No.
You're poor, Mom,
because I'm starting a new life with Nick.
If I just correctly read between the lines
of what he was just saying, we're affianced.
About that, Beatrix,
I think in light of your new circumstances,
it's best if I stay within my own class, you know.
I mean, you're poor, I'm rich.
We just wouldn't have anything in common.
Congratulations. I like your work.
I liked your monologue.
I mean, I didn't get any of it, but it sounded nice.
Honey,
if you got my jokes, I wouldn't be interested.
Would you like to go for some Omakase sometime?
Great pronunciation, so yes.
♪ I did okay ♪
Baby?
Honey?
Head mistress Tarcher did this to us.
She set us up.
Stop! Just stop!
It's already November.
There's no way we're gonna get
our popularity back by the end of the year.
Okay, give me your hand.
Go.
We have been dicking around
with all these petty popularity contests, Chaad.
We need real power, and starting now--
We won't stop until we get it.
That's what I need.
Nice campaign poster. Thanks.
You better pick up the pace, Meegs.
You're trailing me by 38 points. You're running?
My dad says if I want to get into my first choice school,
I can't just coast on "being a lawyer."
Go out there and get some dirt on those candidates.
No, for too long have you pushed me around
just so you can be queen.
From now on, Meegan and Chaad are donezo!
Let me be your right-hand man.
What do you get out of this?
Let's just say I'm looking to diversify my portfolio.
What, like, more Asian guys?
What are you doing in here? This is a crime scene.
Trying to get laid.
♪ ♪