Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop, were lost at sea three months ago
and are presumed dead.
Mom, Dad, we're alive.
Being a high-powered lawyer is gonna look really good
on college applications.
Parker, you need to quit that job.
It's literally ruining your life.
Hello, everyone. We're back.
Time marched on.
Everything's super different now.
She thinks she can replace us?
If they don't want to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in and take it.
♪ ♪
Why am I blindfolded if I'm not having sex?
I have a surprise for you.
Remember freshman year when we opened our club
and we were so cool and so popular?
Mm-hmm? This is my idea.
We...reopen the club.
The building still has great bones.
Welcome to our old club, sissy.
This can't be our old club.
You!
Come here.
What happened to this place?
Oh, this is the No Home House.
It's a shelter for homeless and at-risk teens.
Ugh. Don't say another word.
I wasn't going to. I finished the description.
This is hell. We need to get this back
to our old club and fast.
Hmm. How?
By getting these awful teens out
and getting the right awful teens in.
I have a plan.
Fire! There's a fire!
Where? It's over there.
It's really warm.
You should get all of your stuff.
Yes. Guys!
Barrel fire!
Whoo! Ahh!
Call Daddy's interior designer.
We have work to do.
And by "we," I mean him.
And by "him," I mean those scared interns
that work for him.
All right, I will now begin mediation
between Mr. and Mrs. Preacher, both represented
by their daughter, Parker. Who would like to begin?
Your vomit-inducing father owes me 1,000% of everything.
Your mother is actual vomit,
and I'll give her 200%, tops.
Defendant, I was deposing the plaintiff.
Please do not speak until questioned by your own attorney.
Okay, now I'm your lawyer.
So you say that your third sports car is used for business
and therefore cannot be counted among your assets?
Objection! Mark as an objection and answer the question, please!
Are you okay, sweetie?
I ask the questions.
So what was your claim? Did we cover that?
Objection!
The plaintiff's lawyer is texting?
No, I am not.
How dare you accuse me of texting!
♪ ♪
♪ Oh whoa ♪
♪ ♪
What the gupp, Parker?
Books? No one reads anymore.
If it's not presented in an Internet giftacle,
I'm not interested. I know. I know.
I just have a huge trial
that could make or break me at the firm.
So? "So"?
If I win, I could make partner at Sack, Sorghum, and Johnstern.
I didn't go to law school over spring break in high school
to be some middle-of-the-road high school spring break lawyer.
And this isn't just any trial.
My parents are getting divorced,
and I'm representing both of them.
Wow. I didn't realize.
Yeah, it's difficult.
I mean, not emotionally.
Of course not. You're very cold.
But professionally.
Because I'm the best there is,
and I'm up against the best there is.
Myself.
I'm freaking out, B.
I have so much work to do. I have so much research.
I don't sleep. I can't eat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I know just what you need,
and I know the guy who can get it.
It's called "cram."
Take one and you have the drive of Taylor Swift
with the brain of Taylor Swift's Jewish manager.
I don't do drugs though.
Oh, relax, Parker.
Cram's not a drug, it's a lifestyle.
And here's the kicker.
It's super addictive.
Okay. Cool.
♪ ♪
I don't get it. Why isn't there a line?
This isn't bangin'. Why isn't it bangin'?
I don't know. It's already been 15 seconds.
We created an amazing club.
There's a super exclusive VIP area,
hot lighting, mechanical bull, chill vibes.
What did we do wrong?
Um, just everything.
This kind of club is so three months ago.
This is my worst nightmare.
So what's cool now?
Homeless teens. Obvi.
Shipwrecked on an island for three months
and the whole world falls apart.
♪ ♪
Jacq, honey? Jacq?
Sweetie, where are you off to this afternoon?
I have a meeting with the surfboard factory people
to help broker a partnership with the paddleboard building...
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. People.
Oh, okay. I thought you were asking me a question.
No, no, I'm wondering if maybe you could
stop by here before, in my erogenous zone.
You know, I was checking Waze...
Mm-hmm? And I am already running late.
But let's get something on the books soon.
Mother? Mother?
Oh, hey, kids. How was your day?
The club reopening was a bomb,
but I think once we take that random passerby's advice,
it's gonna be the hottest club in town.
Totally. Everyone who's anyone will come
to dance or party or have a torrid affair.
Yeah, perfect place for an affair.
Or to eat food.
That's what I need.
If husband won't stay home,
wife is going to the hottest club in town.
Mom, is there snacks?
"Is there a snacks?"
And yes, I left some out on the affair I'm gonna have
at your new club.
What?
Oh...in the pantry, next to the dicks.
Oh, right.
♪ ♪
Welcome back, everyone.
You, I want you crouched down in the VIP area.
You, lie down on the floor.
For you, you should just be yelling at yourself.
Oh, and don't skimp on the curse words.
All right, and you, I want you itchy and twitchy, okay?
Rub yourself on everything.
Great teamwork, Meegs.
You transformed this once out-of-date and disgusting club
into a banging homeless shelter.
Slide it.
Now let's open before Beatrix tries to one-up us again.
Damn it!
If we don't get some attention soon,
I'm gonna light myself on fire.
I even rigged the AC system to release authentic BO.
It literally reeks of homeless chic.
How is nobody interested?
You took too long.
This kind of club is so the last time I talked to you.
Homeless teens aren't cool anymore?
Nah.
I'm gonna rip out your uvula!
I get that a lot.
Out! Get out.
It's like, if homeless teens aren't cool
and not-homeless teens aren't cool, what's left?
Camp counselors?
This place sucks!
♪ ♪
That's weird. It always comes back.
Whoa!
♪ ♪
Meegan, I think there's a whole other club behind this wall.
This isn't a club. This is, like, another world.
OMG, Chaad, this is like that book--you know the one
about the mythical land behind the wardrobe?
No. I don't read.
Right.
Wait. What's that?
Who hit me with that thing?
Struck me upon my brow and hurt...like hell.
Who are you?
I am Unipony.
Beyond that parapet lies the magical kingdom of Identreed.
We...its creatures.
And I...its prince.
A club full of magical creatures?
We've got a hook.
A dope hook.
My brethren!
Come forth!
♪ ♪
Wow.
This is, like, next-week cool.
♪ It doesn't matter how you feel today ♪
♪ Tomorrow's on the way ♪
♪ So get ready for the big show ♪
Hey, welcome to Iden. Have a cool time.
Welcome to Iden. Cool to see you.
Yeah, welcome to Iden. Have a cool time.
Stop saying "cool" so much.
Welcome to Iden. Have a ginormoustastic night.
Okay, go back to "cool."
♪ ♪
Is that Mom? Whoa.
Mom looks like a hot stripper.
Mother!
♪ So get ready for the big show ♪
Mommy!
♪ And it's beautiful ♪
♪ You got a strong GF ♪
My, my, my.
♪ LGF, LGF ♪
Look at this pretty mouth. You like it?
Hey, welcome to Iden! Hey, cool! It's very cool.
Very cool. Cool--it's cool to see you.
Yeah, cool to see you. Hi.
Is it, um--
♪ ♪
Got your fix.
♪ And it's beautiful ♪
How do I... how do I do it?
Um... nose, mouth, veins, butt.
Just get it into your system and it'll definitely work.
So I can crush it into--
Don't crush it into applesauce.
Are you 12?
Parker, just please act like you've done drugs before.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
And that, Your Honor, is why this woman
deserves full alimony and all of the assets
that she has requested, times two.
Objection! Impossible.
I'll hear it. My objection is that my client
deserves all of his assets that he has requested, times two.
These are both bulletproof arguments.
Counsel rests...and rocks.
Not the most impressive conclusion,
but everything before that was--
I'll just say it--perfection.
I move to decide for the plaintiff...
Yes! No!
And the defendant.
Ooh. "Ooh" is right.
What this young woman has accomplished here
is a landmark triumph.
In legal terms, a double win.
Plaintiff is awarded full alimony,
both houses, and the boat.
Defendant also gets full alimony,
also both houses, and the boat.
Case dismissed.
That's my daughter. No.
That's my daughter.
♪ ♪
Mmm, there's more where that came from.
Oh, it's the ultra. Mmm.
Oh, you know, I've never been with a unicorn before.
Please.
Unipony.
We are entirely separate species.
Oh, I just thought, because you have a...horn.
"Horn"?
Yeah, a...boom.
No, that's a tumor.
Yes, my lady, soon I shall die.
But now, I shan't die alone.
Oh...
Return with me to Identreed where I am king.
King?
Well, technically prince,
but when we wed,
you will be my queen.
Okay, look.
Uh, my husband gets home around 9:00,
and I have a nail appointment tomorrow,
so I can't go to the tree palace behind the curtain.
You're gonna have to go back by yourself.
If I go, I might die.
There's a bounty on my head for stopping the Freidu incursion.
I thought you had a tumor on your head.
Oh, God, so lame.
I'm so over this place. So lame, bro.
♪ ♪
Yo, ladies, come on. Come on.
You don't want to go. Club is en fuego.
Right now, come on. This place is over.
Ladies, come on. Totes over.
Where you going?
This club is so yesterday.
Is it ever today with you?
That question is so two months ago.
Bro, it's not helpful.
Beat it. Fine.
Then I guess I won't tell you what's so tomorrow...
when Kale comes to review your club.
Still want me to beat it,
or do you want to buy me another drink?
We're getting Kale from Blurp here tomorrow?
"Kale from Blurp"? You sound like a space farmer.
Blurp Reviews is that one-second review site,
and Kale is the guy who does "Hottest Reviews."
And he is the first and last word on what's cool, literally.
The longest Blurp review was three syllables, "Butt garbage."
No one ever went to that Holocaust museum again.
So last month.
Clearly we don't know what we're doing, nor do we
have the desire to learn,
so just tell us what we need to know about Kale.
He's 16 years old, he has the attention span
of a baby lizard on cocaine, and here's the kicker--
he has ADD.
So cool. I know.
It's just, like, the coolest disease.
You want the way to his heart?
Change. Brilliant.
Yes, change. Quarters, nickels, dimes--
You're saying we change the theme of the club,
like, every five minutes?
Right. That.
I'm with you. I'm so with you.
♪ ♪
Oh, gosh. So, uh, all we need to do
is sign this page and we're divorced, right, Parker?
Give me a second! Okay?
All we need is a pen, honey. You know?
We do need a pen to sigh with.
Park, we need a pen.
Just a pen, Parker.
Are you okay, honey?
We just need a pen.
Parker, are you okay?
We need a pen.
Honey?
Hon? A pen?
Parker, are you okay?
Pen. A pen.
Are you tripping? Pen.
Honey, the pen.
♪ ♪
No! No! No! No! No!
♪ ♪
Kale from Blurp has arrived.
He's here. Uber is out front.
Game on.
Slide it.
♪ ♪
Oh, this is fun!
Mmm, you know what's fun? No.
The Feast of Levendoor.
A four-day bacchanalian brunch
culminating in an unsheathing of the Sword of Thayuun.
Oh!
Please, Lady Kyle, won't you reconsider?
You deserve a king.
Oh! It's so good.
Oh, yes.
Advantage, Unipony.
Eww.
♪ ♪
What the gupp? Is that Kale?
That's Kale from Blurp.
I hear he has ADD.
He's so cool.
Kale, it's an honor to meet you.
I've been following you ever since
you started doing this a few weeks ago.
We normally have bottle service for VIPs,
but for VVIPs like you, we have burrito bowl service.
♪ ♪
We're losing him.
15 seconds till theme switch.
We don't have that kind of time.
Send them early. Okay.
Send 'em at 4:50. I don't care
if they're not dressed, just go.
♪ ♪
both: Whoa!
Pink party.
Cool. Yeah.
I think he likes it. Yeah.
Sick.
♪ ♪
I can't--I can't do this.
I have a husband. I'm not a queen.
I'm just a really, really, really hot and wealthy woman
who should be treated like a princess.
The oracle did predict it thus.
Very well.
I shall return to Identreed alone.
Oh...
Make way, mortal.
♪ ♪
Feeble prince, you return too late.
We now claim the bounty on your head.
No!
Unipony!
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
We're screwed.
Oh, uh, do you want to--no. Do you want a burrito bowl?
How about some shoes? Shoes, mmm.
Great shoes. Do you want a phone?
We have phones. Yeah, how about a cell phone?
Shiny man got arrow in his heart.
III...
♪ ♪
What does it mean?
I don't know.
"I-I-I."
"I'm into it."
He liked it. I can't believe it.
We'll be back on top before prom.
I mean, all I want back is my day-to-day,
super rich life where my sexy, mythical beast
isn't murdered right in front of me, you know?
I mean, all I want is... is my husband.
That is so weird.
Oh, my God. That's him.
Look. See?
He was thinking about me at the same time.
Hey, sweetie. I had such a fascinating day
at work today.
We were able to change the zoning
on the old Lafayette Street property,
so we can start demolition this week.
And I'm thinking we could grandfather that
and pay zoning...
He's hot.
♪ ♪
III... III...
Kale's review just went live on Blurp an hour ago.
We're number one on "17 Club Magnates Under 17."
So why is no one else here?
You! You're the reason why this is happening.
You're the only constant.
Me? I don't see what I did wrong.
I don't know why you listened to my opinion.
I'm so two weeks ago.
In fact, I never even was.
Ooh!
♪ ♪
The annual fundraiser, The Running of the Poors!
The qualification is anyone
who makes less than $500,000 annually.
For Meegan and Chaad Bishop, a recent inmate.
What? She sabotaged us.
In the pen, wine doesn't come from grapes.
It comes from mop buckets.
Which one is bougie, which one is basic,
and which one is boss? I don't get it.
High status means being able to categorize people and things
so you can place them below you.
Ohh.
I got an invite from Vicki Katz.
You're acting super weird, bro.
It's almost as if you don't know who Vicki Katz is.
Uh-oh, I think someone doesn't belong here.
♪ ♪