♪ ♪
As we begin a new school year,
I have some subjectively bad news.
Many of you may have heard that
our two most popular and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop, were tragically
lost at sea three months ago
and are presumed dead.
We can only hope
that they died quickly.
To recite a few lines, we have our own
slam poet, Patrick "Slamrock" O'Brien.
Give it up for Patrick.
Thank you, Miss Tarcher.
Slamrock represents
Chaad and Meegan.
We all freaking.
School ain't been the same since you've been sleeping
with the fishes.
Damn, if I had one wishes,
be for you to come back
and to never do the dishes
Thank you, Slamrock,
for that moving poem.
♪ I feel the sun on my shoulders ♪
♪ I'm warm when I'm with you ♪
♪ I feel the love taking over...♪
Braff.
What's your fail?
Are you not into this make-out sess?
It's not that, Macauley,
it's just you mean so much to me.
And that's something I've been wanting to tell you.
Something I just--
I knew ever since the first time I saw you.
Oh, my God.
Man, I've--I've never said this out loud before,
but I know I can tell you.
I'm going to pretend to be gay.
You're what?
Look, the gay clique
is the most powerful crew at my new school.
Look, if I can fit in with them,
I'll be high school royalty.
Look it's a chance to totally reinvent myself.
But what about us?
Look, I promise, I promise
once I'm King Gay, I'll send for you,
and you can take your rightful place
by my side as my straight best-friend.
I don't know.
I'm doing this for both of us.
♪ ♪
I'm so glad I told you.
♪ I do it all for you ♪
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
Thanks for offering to drive Evanessa to school, Beatrix
No probs.
God, I can't believe it's been two years
since you and Mr. C got married.
Oh, that was Donna. I'm the new wife.
Oh, my God, what happened?
She turned 35.
Honey, your friend Beatrix is here.
Hey, sleepyhead.
Missed you so hard all summer. You miss me?
Well, okay.
Are you still mad at me for saying
your eyebrows are too thin?
Well, they were, okay?
You can stop giving me the silent treatment now.
What the gup is your problem?
Will you get up and talk to me?
OMG.
What happened to Evanessa?
She's in a coma.
How?
Well, she went to a Childish Gambino concert
and something about the beats and her brainwaves--
I don't know what happened, but it's a 1/1000 chance.
No way.
That is so awesome!
No wonder you're super skinny, I'm so jelly.
God, with this waistline
and your new super-aloof attitude
you're gonna be more popular than ever.
Well, come on.
We're gonna be late for school.
Bitch.
♪ ♪
Enjoying the view, darling?
Will you take a look at this, babe?
They cook, they clean, they're Swedish.
Who could ask for a better couple of kids?
We done good.
You know, darling, we didn't raise Jorgen and Krill.
No, but we did buy them online,
and I for one believe in consumer pride.
You know, sometimes, I miss our long-lost children,
Meegan and Chaad.
But then, I get a bite
of one of Jorgen's crullers, and wow...
I can't think of anything else,
except, "Give me another bite of that cruller."
Yeah.
Mom...
Dad...
we're alive.
I need the car,
some wet wipes, and an AmEx.
♪ ♪
Jeez, Dad.
I thought you and Mom would be psyched we were alive.
Honey, it's not that we aren't happy.
You replaced us with these Ikea-Stepford kids.
It's been three months.
We had to emotionally move on.
And besides, all the major content aggregates
said you were dead.
Even BuzzFeed confirmed it?
BuzzFeed wrote the listicle.
We were lost, but now we're back.
You can't just throw us away.
We can't throw Jorgen and Krill out either.
They're family. So are we.
If you two need a place to crash
so you can get back up on your feet,
you can stay in the pool house annex.
The pool house?
The pool house annex.
And just until I make that my hot yoga man-cave,
then you're on your own.
Welcome back, though. Yeah.
Hey.
♪ ♪
male voice: The Gay Mafia.
Mafia.
Dude, hey, quick, beat me up.
No way, man. I save my fists for nerds.
G--Gay Mafia--Mafia.
Hey, I'm a nerd. I'm a nerd!
You look pretty cool.
I'll give you 50 bucks.
What is this, public school?
G--Gay--
2,000.
Okay.
No, don't hurt me just because of my sexual orientation!
Whoa, dude, you're gay?
I'm so sorry. Deal is off.
I don't mess with your crew. Hey, guys, good to see you.
♪ ♪
Whoa.
Bed hottie.
Wow. I was right.
Everyone thinks you're the shizz.
It's so great.
Yo, babe!
Mack.
Baby, I've missed you so much.
Me too, baby, I was thinking we--
Whoa. Evanessa, is that you?
Dang, girl, you're looking gupping amazing.
So thin.
Hello.
Haven't seen you in three months over here.
Right, babe, I'm sorry.
♪ To be stronger... ♪
Look, I got to go hit class.
Why don't we hook up after school,
and, uh, why don't you bring Evanessa?
If that's cool with you.
Look, Evanessa,
I realize you've re-imagined yourself, or whatever,
but Mack is my man.
So keep off.
Wheel yourself to class.
Look good, E.
♪ Take a look around it's a brand new day ♪
♪ I don't want to say... ♪
So, guys, I've been thinking
since Meegan and Chaad are gone,
it's up to me to throw the first party of the year.
It's gonna be tonight and you all are invited.
Sweet. Wait, tonight?
I have Gregor v Mann tomorrow, I'm gonna be up all night
preparing my closing arguments.
Parker, you need to quit that job.
It's literally ruining your life.
Being a high powered lawyer is going to look really good
on college applications.
Is she serious? Oh, God!
Hello, everyone.
We're back.
Hey.
Don't be such a chatterbox, Chaad.
Now, I know our disappearance probably confused a lot of you,
but we're alive so life can go back to normal, everybody.
Listen, Meegs,
I mean, we're all super sad that you were
left for dead, or whatever,
but when you were gone, time marched on.
Everything's super different now.
It's only been three months.
Three months is like the equivalent to five years
in high school months.
Well, we're back.
And tonight we're hosting our annual Back to School party.
Too late.
I'm throwing it and everyone's going.
Right, guys? all: Yeah.
Sorry, Meegs. Sorry, Chaad.
Let's go, everyone.
Super awkward.
I think we're losers now.
♪ ♪
They couldn't have forgotten about us this fast.
Someone did this on purpose.
Who would have vandalized our memorial?
I'm guessing a...
graffiti artist of some sort.
No.
Someone who would have something to gain
by keeping us on the bottom rung of the ladder.
Someone with another ladder.
Someone on the top of our ladder.
She think she can replace us?
That's insulting.
If they don't want to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in and take it.
Like they did in "Tower Heist."
I haven't seen it yet.
but I'm assuming there's a break-in of some sort,
probably on a top floor.
Beatrix has already given us the perfect opportunity.
Her party, it's her first big one,
but after we break in and wreck it,
it'll be her last.
Then no more Beatrix issues.
Or you can let me handle her even more directly.
Hyah!
No, Chaad.
That's island talk.
You're a lot of fun, Braff.
You know so much gay stuff,
like I can't believe we haven't hung out with you.
I know.
Oh! Oh, did you guys know
that in 1974, Elaine Nobles was the first
elected openly-gay official in the United States?
Braff!
You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, dude.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What are you kidding me?
You stole my girlfriend last year.
It was the same week as homecoming.
He stole your girlfriend?
I don't know what he's talking about.
No, hey, relax, man.
It's not like I'm gonna kick your ass or anything.
I mean, actually, it was kind of like
the best thing that ever happened to me.
I got with Gwenn Stevens afterwards.
So life's pretty tight. Thanks, man.
What was that?
Oh! We were just rehearsing a scene
for the...school play.
Theater! I love the theater.
You and I are going to see a musical, my friend.
We have a date with Fandango.
Hey, Evanessa, it's Mack, from before.
Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.
I can tell you're in deep thought about something.
Is it about the upper part of that wall up there?
That bitch!
She can't flirt with my boyfriend like that.
You really do care about things.
I thought we were friends.
Hey, Mack!
Will you come give me a hand with my vagina?
Catch you later, Evanessa.
Where is it?
Something's going on.
People are getting texts about something.
Ugh. Nothing! Did you get anything?
Nope. Grab it.
Hey! We need to see your phone.
Mmm.
What the hell?
What's wrong with your phone, kid?
Uh, it's Blink.
♪ ♪
Where have you been the last three months,
on a desert island?
Oh, right, you were.
What's "Blink?"
Text messages that disappear after two seconds.
Is it about the party? Where is it?
Listen, I can't be seen talking to you guys, okay?
We need to find someone willing
to tell us where this party is.
Or make them willing.
Fine.
♪ ♪
I have a guacamole massage 30 minutes ago.
Tell me now.
We can't tell you anything.
Beatrix made everyone promise.
Where is the party?
I won't ask again.
Don't make me boom you.
Mm-mmm.
Fine!
It's at Beatrix's house.
That makes a lot of sense.
Hiding in plain sight.
God, her plan was perfect.
♪ ♪
B, are you in here? Beatrix?
Oh, come on, B, I thought you said this was urgent.
Is this what you like?
I got this hospital bed just for you.
This is whack.
I'm not into the kinky stuff.
I thought this is what you wanted.
You've been all over Evanessa
ever since she came back to school.
You've been smothering me!
What, I'm-- I'm not even touching you.
Look, I just think we need a break, you know?
Have a little space?
You know, I'm not even in a relationship mode anyway.
Are you dumping me?
You know I hate labels.
But, yes, exactly.
Later.
Stupid wires.
You are Hollywood's best and most expensive
screenwriting team, and we have a problem.
We need to sabotage a Back to School party
and take back our popularity,
but we have no idea how to do it.
And since you guys have punched up
dozens of teen comedies, we thought you could
write us a plan.
Also, we really want this to feel like
"Tower Heist" meets "Clueless."
Keep in mind, I haven't seen either of those movies,
but, uh, I think I made a really good point.
Also, we don't want to resort to pig's blood,
a dance off, calling the cops, or passing
a new drug that makes people forget their social standings.
What? Ah, damn it.
It's all we got.
♪ ♪
Let's get to work.
♪ Grab your drinks ♪
♪ I got a drink in my hand ♪
♪ Chug and get another one, I think that's my plan ♪
That's why it's so important
to wear your new jeans in the bath
and let them dry on your body.
Braff! Braff!
Get your oven mitts out.
We have a hot mess alert.
I saw you across the way and I figured we could chill.
Braff, you know this girl?
No.
Braff.
Prove it, Braff.
Slam her.
Slam her style.
♪ ♪
Hey, girl, you shop so much retail,
you thought you had a cyst but it turned out to be a price tag.
Braff? What does that even mean?
Does Forever 21 know you make their clothes
look like Gonna Die Before 31?
Ha-ha! 31.
You want to laugh?
You want to hear a great joke?
You let a straight guy into your Gay Mafia.
Braff, straight? Never.
Yeah, do like brown lipstick and don't come back.
Wow. Definitely one of us now.
For sure.
♪ I got it like that ♪
♪ Got it like that ♪
I can't believe you brought her.
I can explain.
And to think I trusted you.
You are the most conniving, manipulative bitch!
I'm so sorry about that, babe.
Remember what those Hollywood writers told us.
Best way to win our popularity back is to reveal
to the football team that you were a girl all along?
The other thing.
They said in all their movies, whenever someone unpopular
wants friends, they tell a lie to gain attention
from the cool kids.
But that comes crashing down in the third act
when the people realize that their friendships
are based on falsehoods.
Good thing there's no third act in real life.
We need to start a whisper campaign.
voices: Whisper campaign.
We need everyone to know that this party sucks,
and that there's a way cooler party down the block
at our house.
This party sucks.
When everyone bails on Beatrix's party,
she'll be devastated.
Whisper...this party sucks.
And we'll be back on top.
This party sucks.
Hello! Hello?
Where the hell did everyone go?
Ugh, Evanessa, you're the last person I wanted to see.
And the last person here.
I can't believe you stayed when everyone else left.
I was right, you're unbeatable,
so I submit.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Bring it in, best-y.
Cheers!
Pretty terrific party, right?
Seriously, me and my crew having a blast.
Braff! Come on over, gay guy!
I used to think Beatrix was cool,
but I was a fool.
Fun has begun
because I figured out
that Meegan and Chaad
are the cool ones.
It's so true.
Your plan worked. It looks like we're back.
We have a long way to go yet.
This is just the first step.
By the end of this year, I'll be Prom Queen
and you'll be my king.
♪ ♪
Someone would have found us, right?
I don't know.
This is nothing like the Alps.
♪ ♪
This season on "Filthy Preppy Teen$"...
you won't believe what lies ahead for Meegan and Chaad.
Aah!
What did we do wrong? Just everything.
Shipwrecked on an island for three months,
and the whole world falls apart.
I want to cut off your nose and put it on my nose.
You must be my stalker.
It's so great to finally meet you.
Heads will roll.
Who the hell are you?
I'm a distant relative of Saint Patrick.
No way. Amazing.
By rape. both: Oh.
You must learn how to protect yourself
with one of these.
Boomerangs will fly.
What's up with that outfit, bro?
I am Boom.
I didn't go to law school over spring break in high school
to be some middle-of-the-road high school spring break lawyer.
I know Meegan and Chad are dying
to be prom king and queen,
but it's not gonna be that easy.
I guess it's time you learned, son,
you're a leprechaun.
Welcome to Hell!
You ever sex it out in classroom?
That'd be against the rules.
We are going to bulldoze my daughter's school.
What are you doing? Where will we go?
Public school.
And Brewster Bay will never be the same.
♪ ♪
Yeah, I totally waxed for this.
Don't say another word.
I wasn't going to. I finished the description.
♪ ♪