GRANDMA: Dear Kobna, I miss your face very much, mm.
Seems only yesterday that you were born.
- (TAPPING) - Walter!
You're taking too long.
Mm, I loved watching the program with the talking car with you.
Soon you might have a car of your own.
That's the plan, Grandma.
Walter! Hurry in the bath!
Hurry for what?
My lift to the train station.
My conference!
Wait, what have you left for supper?
You know what, don't worry. I will take the car myself.
(STAMMERS)
My car? Wait, wait! Hey, Aggie, you're joking.
- Do you even know the way? - No.
- You don't know the way? - No, I don't.
You're not driving my car.
I will drive it.
- Aggie! - Very fast.
- Give me that! - Ha!
Be careful!
Kobna, you are cooking tonight.
What?
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com
Dean's off up to the football tonight.
So once Melissa's asleep,
how's about me and you have some special time?
Like in Caister.
Our honeymoon?
Mm-hm, yep.
Do we have to?
No.
Don't have to,
just thought you might want to.
Well, yeah, of course I want to.
It's just that, you know, a man of my age,
the biggest risk of a heart attack is getting out of bed,
being on the lav,
and having special time,
- especially how we did it in Caister. - Yeah.
So, uh, you gotta ask yourself, is it worth the risk?
Oh, no, what I meant was...
Ow!
('AGADOO' PLAYS ON THE RADIO)
Well, at least Aggie did not throw anything out.
She just stole my car.
Ah, arguments with the missus.
Aga-bloody-doo.
And then death.
Is that what life's all about?
Looks like Rajesh has already arrived at death's door.
Rajesh!
Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, no, it's just, uh, my father.
He is... he is visiting his friend today in Upper Norwood.
Oh, well, I can see why you'd be upset.
No, look, you know how much Rani and I would like a family?
- Well, you can have mine. - You can have mine.
But my father, he is, uh...
...always at home.
Always.
Oh, well, listen, Rajesh, why don't you go now while he's in Norwood?
What? During work hours?
Are you mad?
No, look, while Rani's in her optimal window of, err...
(TRUMPETS)
You know.
Get round there and, err...
(WHISTLES)
Pronto.
Well, I think I know how to do it.
If you go dizzy into the sick bay, Hazel has to let you lie down, ah?
We do it all the time on night shift.
You do?
- No, no, no. - Yes, no, no.
No, look, as soon as her back's turned
I'll drive you home
and you can do what husbands and wives do in Caister sometimes.
And I will distract Hazel. Mm?
No way, no.
I have only ever had two sick days off
and I still believe I could've worked through those shingles.
I absolutely will not do it.
To the sick bay! Come on!
No, don't, don't! No, please!
There are sensitive documents in there.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Oh, he's feeling, he's feeling faint. - Oh.
♪ Come on, shake your body, baby Do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪
♪ Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪
♪ Don't you fight it till you've tried it ♪
♪ Do the conga beat. ♪
Mm.
Here you go, ladies.
Who am I sharing with?
And do not say Jane because this is not a murder mystery weekend.
Well, hello, Yvonne.
Mm.
You are with...
...me.
BOTH: Jesus Christ.
Well. (LAUGHS)
Here you go, roomie.
- Thanks. - Yvonne. (CHUCKLES)
Dave.
Well, hello, Dave! You look relaxed.
Oh!
You are with Mike Raymond in room 217.
Great.
Now, I've, err, got a little job for you while we're here, Agnes.
Of course.
You see our gracious host over there?
Mr Lander?
What? He paid for all of this?
Yeah, and lots more hopefully.
I'm appointing you special envoy to Mr Charles Lander, Agnes.
Stay close to him and keep Yvonne well away.
It's great, marvellous.
- Catch that. - Got it.
It'll be my bollocks on the block if she gets hold of his. Comprende?
Comprende.
Oh! Bagsy top bunk, Mikey!
Here we are, then.
Oh, God. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Just relax!
It'll be fine.
Here's some soothing music to calm you.
♪ Agadoo-doo-doo... ♪
Oh, bollocks to that.
It's not too late, we can turn back.
No way.
We are getting your wife pregnant.
Well, you are. I'll wait in the car.
Yeah.
Now, you get in there and you put everything else from your mind.
Right.
Just concentrate on the task at hand.
OK.
And remember I'm parked on the yellow so don't hang about.
That is deeply off-putting.
Come on, chop-chop.
Go on, my son.
(HUMS)
Hey! Hey!
Pretty lady! Remember me?
Err, yes.
Of course you do. Uh, Valentine.
Dawn.
Nice to see you again, Dawn.
How was your date, Valentine?
Err, not as good as my next one.
Is it? Who's the lucky girl?
You?
Listen, thank you, but no thanks.
But come on, why not? Look at me.
You're a joker. I don't want a joker right now.
Eh, I am not a joker, eh?
I'm a very serious man.
You're putting an A Team stripe on your van.
OK, yes, but I'm no Murdoch.
I'm very much a BA Baracus in my seriousness, eh?
Uh-uh.
Come on, let me show you.
Please?
Better luck next time, Valentine.
OK, that is not a no.
Excuse me.
Good afternoon.
OK, give me your number, uh?
I have the 01 part, you just need to give me the rest, eh?
Hoo!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Isn't it beautiful?
Mm, could be.
Look, Yvonne, this is not an ideal situation for either of us.
Ain't that the truth?
But we should try and get along
while we're sleeping under the same roof.
I'm not planning on sleeping in here tonight.
I am not planning on sleeping anywhere.
Mm-mm.
Gonna bag myself a husband tonight.
Mm, is that right?
Watch me work.
(BASSLINE TO 'ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST' BY QUEEN)
Da-da dum, dum, dum.
Rajesh is in his house.
Da-da dum, dum, dum.
Making babies with his wife.
Aow. Da-da, dum, dum, dum.
While I sit in the car.
Da-da dum, dum, dum.
Look, here comes his Dad...
Oh, shit!
That's Rajesh's Dad!
Err...
No, you can't go inside.
Who the hell are you?
Health and safety.
The guttering is unstable.
Wait, I know you.
You work with Rajesh.
Yeah, yeah, I'm Bagpipes.
What?
Bagpipes, I'm Bagpipes.
What are you doing in front of my house?
Does Rajesh know you are away from work?
Err, no, I slipped out.
He's getting careless.
No, he's like a bloody hawk.
Language.
Well, I mean, you know, he works his, err, socks off, you know?
He's only ever had two days off sick.
Shingles is not an excuse.
Now go.
(PANICS)
Bloody bastard hell!
Dad is outside!
I tell you what, he's a hell of a lad, your Rajesh.
Great manager, marvellous.
Mm, he was. There was no such disobedience at his factory.
Sorry, his factory?
Yes, in Uganda, Rajesh owned a factory,
he drove a big Mercedes car.
He was a big man, happy man.
Christ.
What happened?
Idi Amin happened.
He told Rajesh go, he told all Indians,
"Go, go to your country, go!" Just like that.
Rajesh's business gone, money gone, Rajesh gone.
Oh, fuc...
...crying out loud.
He came here with nothing.
That's why I keep on push push him, every day.
Rajesh promotion?
No, Daddy.
Promotion today, Rajesh?
No, Daddy.
But one day maybe... yes, Daddy?
Not if stupid walrus men sneak out of the factory in the afternoon.
Now come on, let me go in my house.
Aaaaaaaahhhhh...
♪ ..agaaaaaaa ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Push pineapple, shake the tree ♪
♪ Agadoo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Push pineapple, grind coffee ♪
♪ To the left, to the right... ♪
What are you singing in front of my house for?
I dunno, sorry. I just panicked.
Alright.
That's enough.
Rajesh, what are you doing here?
Sorry to disturb you, Daddy.
This is one of the men from our factory
who has decided to take the afternoon off.
I have come here to... (CLEARS THROAT) retrieve him.
He's a very naughty boy. He's a bit mad, Daddy.
(SPEAKS HINDI)
He thinks he's called Bagpipes.
See?
Come, I will enjoy reprimanding you very much.
See you later, Daddy.
Dinner at 8:00.
Yes, of course, yes, yes.
Come on, you mad bastard, come on! Come on!
- Sorry, I'm not hurting you, am I? - No, no, no, you're fine.
Listen, did it go all according to plan?
It was brief but it was magnificent.
I want to do it again tomorrow.
Yvonne, does this look OK for the drinks reception?
Mmm, you look alright.
Is that what you're wearing?
No, this is what I am wearing.
Hey!
Thank you.
You see, Charles is a lucky, lucky man.
Yes, but I didn't think he was your type.
With that Roger Moore voice?
- Oh, yeah, he is my type. - OK.
Well, I will see you...
- ...all of you... - (BOTH LAUGH)
...downstairs.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello? - Aggie?
- What? - It's Walter.
What is it?
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Me no speak heediot.
Bloody Jamaicans!
Bloody African.
- Hey, what can I get you? - Hey, naughty bastard.
Alright? Don't say hello, then.
Hey, Dawn. Ah...
And you must be, uh, Mr Dawn?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Is something funny?
Not a thing. I'm Andy.
Valentine.
Don't just stand there holding hands, someone get a drink in.
Ha...
Naughty bastards?
- What'd you call me? - Err, no, it's a...
OK.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey! Dave, you look smart.
Mmm!
Can't get the hang of this dress code at all.
Oh, look sharp. She's cornered Mr Lander. You need to stop that.
Why can't you?
- Me? - Mm.
I can't go over to Yvonne.
She'd have me up in front of personnel for saying something
completely innocent.
They can be very touchy.
Please don't report me to personnel.
It's OK.
I will see what I can do.
Good luck.
Your buildings?
Do they stay up? Mm?
For a long time, hey, Charles?
Oh, my goodness!
I am so sorry! These shoes.
I'm surprised you can walk in them.
It just needs practice.
Why don't you keep practising, Aggie, over there?
Well, actually, I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for all of this.
Oh, no thanks necessary.
You heard the man, now move off.
No, no, stay.
Please?
BAGPIPES: Step away from that ironing board
because I come bearing chicken dhansak for madame
and omelette and chips for...
...well, me.
Oh, is that um...
Black Tower, just like in Caister.
What's brought this mood on?
Rajesh.
OK.
Look, I was a bloody idiot this morning
and, um, I just wanted to make it up to you.
So, er...
Sorry.
Apology accepted.
- Ah! - (SIZZLES)
Oh, the iron, oh!
- Oh, sh... - God, Kirst, me darts hand.
Oh, no!
Ohh! It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Everything's fine.
♪ I got my mind set on you ♪
♪ I got my mind set on you. ♪
So, err, where does this great beauty of yours come from, hmm?
You've got more cheese than Presto, innit?
Come on, it's an honest question.
OK, 30% my mum,
70% Superdrug.
Mm. And you are a nurse?
Mm-hm.
Maybe one day you will nurse me, hey?
Well, I work at a sexual health clinic so...
Ahhh.
There you go, Valentine.
Valentine. That can't be your real name.
What? You don't think it suits me?
Too bloody well.
How did you two meet?
At the clinic.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
I work there, I'm not a patient.
- Yet. - Yet.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Cheers.
- Just as bad as her. - You're both bloody idiots.
Right, time to dance.
- You're an idiot. - And you're an eejit.
- No, idiot. - Eejit.
- That's not how you say it. - Well, you're an eejit.
- Id-i-ot. - Ee-jit.
Why all this expense? Huh?
The hotel, the food.
The food!
Why don't you go and try the buffet, Aggie?
Go fill up your mouth.
If the council are gonna let me improve the Eastbridge area,
well, they'll need buttering up.
You want to improve the Eastbridge?
Yes, it reminds me of where I grew up.
As my mother used to say,
"Charlie, you cannot make food out of fine words."
Whatever that means.
What? You're a...
I'm what?
Not my type.
Bloody Africans.
Count yourself lucky. That woman is fire!
Yes.
Mr Lander, we have been trying to make improvements
on the Eastbridge for a long time.
But it's not easy.
What exactly do you want?
Well, trees for a start.
Green space, a doctor's surgery that isn't two bus rides away.
Exactly what we want to give.
Really?
But I need help.
People are afraid of change.
Now, I need someone residents trust.
Me?
Oh, no, no.
Will you help me bring the residents round?
(SIGHS)
Yes. Yes, I will.
Good.
Here?
Here's to you.
Bloody hell, now they're at it.
Shut up and drink.
Oh! Oh, oh, Kirst!
Oh, shit.
It's my heart!
- Heart attack. - Shit.
Help!
Err, oh, no!
Bagpipes!
This is the end.
There's 85 quid I've creamed off behind the bath panel.
Give everyone a drink at my funeral.
Bagpipes.
(BURPS)
Urgh.
Oh, that's better.
Oh, that must've been that omelette.
Oh, for God's sake.
Phew! What a relief.
Where you going? Come back to bed.
I was just getting into my stride.
What was that about the bath panel?
Oi, Kirst! Kirsty!
That's my memorial money!
Kirsty!
So, this is your local?
It is my very local.
I live upstairs.
Upstairs?
- No. - Yes.
Isn't it a bit loud?
A little but I like it.
I like to hear the life here, you know?
Mm, I couldn't do it.
I need my beauty sleep.
Mm, trust me, you don't need anything...
Hey! No more cheese.
OK, OK.
I'm used to Freetown. I knew everyone,
family, neighbours, all in each other's lives,
looking after each other, you know?
But here it is, err...
How can I put it?
Lonely.
Yes, but this is where I live, this is my home.
Well, you know me now.
And I'm very glad of that.
I'm telling you, that landlord's watering his bloody drinks down.
Hey...
('ONLY YOU' BY YAZOO PLAYS)
Dear Mama, life has been busy since you returned to Sierra Leone.
Agnes has been making great strides in her work since you left.
I never touched him!
And it has taken her to new places
and she's meeting many interesting people.
Ahh!
Oh, fancy a dip?
You'll catch a cold.
The water's warm.
Well, enjoy yourself.
Another time then.
It has given her the chance to help change many people's lives
in many positive ways.
Hello? I'm home.
But there is no-one who benefits from her more than I do
and I must remember to show her how much I appreciate and love her.
Ow! Ow!
I cut my lip, the bloody stems, sorry.
Welcome back.
- I missed you. - You missed me?
- Yes. - I missed you too.
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ All I needed was the love... ♪
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com