(CLEARS THROAT)
Can we get a snatch of a song,
just to see if you can hold a note?
I know it seems daft to ask you, but, you know...
No, it's... it's fine.
It was all autotuned back then,
so just really, really lower your expectations.
(BOTH LAUGH)
WOMAN: Okay.
(SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago ♪
♪ I can still remember ♪
♪ How that music used to make me... ♪
Shall I get up?
Um... (HUMS)
Sorry. Um... (SQUEALS)
(HUMS)
(SINGS) ♪ February made me shiver ♪
♪ With every paper I'd deliver ♪
♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪
♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪
That's fine.
- ♪ I can't rem... ♪ - Okay!
- Oh. - Thanks.
- Really? - MAN: Yes.
- WOMAN: Lovely. - Okay. Thank you.
Suzie, thank you so much for coming today.
- God, are we done? Okay. - Thank you.
- Thank you so much. - Thank you!
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
BOTH: Nice to see you. Thank you.
- Say goodbye. - Bye-bye, Frank.
- How do you say goodbye? - Um, just as you would normally.
- Oh. 'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye. - 'Bye.
'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.
- Thank you. - 'Bye.
- Okay, 'bye. - 'Bye!
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
_
Really?
Really? No, you were very good.
You were very good. You're Mummy's secret weapon,
do you know that?
You bring Mummy luck. You bring Mummy such luck.
(SOMBRE ARPEGGIO)
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
(OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE)
- Look. Swimming pool. - _
_
Yeah.
Yeah, but where you are now at school,
you have lots of friends, don't you?
You're special there,
so would you rather be special or fit in?
_
Yeah. I hear you.
(TABLET RINGS)
(GASPS) Oh, look, it's Dad.
- Hey. - COB: Hey!
- How's the study trip? - I thought you were asleep.
- Are you still awake? - Are you still in Paris?
I thought you'd be on the train by now.
Yeah, we actually... We actually missed the last train.
We missed the Eurostar,
so the students are looking at somewhere to stay.
- Valerie's on it. - VALERIE: I'm on it!
- She's on it. - Right.
VALERIE: This one here. Four stars...
So, what about tomorrow?
I mean, don't... You... you don't have to come if you... It's fine.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll come straight there.
I'll get the first train and I'll, um... I'll come straight there.
- Fuck! Shit! - (LAUGHTER)
My God, I nearly just walked into one of those French piss things.
- What are these called? - VALERIE: I don't know.
- Pisseur. Viva la pisseur! - VALERIE: Viva la pisseur!
Oh.
Crazy.
(THEME MUSIC)
(GLASS SMASHES)
Uh, these hierarchies are all fucked up,
Mr. Sitting in the Front.
Oh, I can feel the hair on my back stand up as we cross the border.
- Your back? - Yeah, I'm covered in hair.
You know that. Why are you so relaxed? Is Cob not coming?
- Oh, my God, is that why I'm here? - No, he was.
He's stuck in Paris with his students.
I sort of hope he doesn't, for his sake.
Have your family seen the photos?
- Poor Cob. - Poor Cob.
My family don't mind a slag,
but you don't wanna be married to one, do you know what I mean?
- God, I hate going home. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Embrace yourself. - Nah.
That is why I'm, like, totally sold on having a kid on my own.
Like, burn this trad shit down.
Well, there'll be lots of free spunk at this.
My dad's side are irresponsibly fertile.
- Oh. (GAGS) - (LAUGHS)
God, how's your mum going to cope with your dad being there?
(GROANS)
Oh, did you hear back from the musical?
- No. - No.
Mm-mm.
- NAOMI: Oh. - (ENGINE STALLS)
- NAOMI: Oh, Jesus. - Alright, here we are.
(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)
Come on, then, darling. Let's go.
Oh, God. Bloody all these bloody people.
- Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum. - Hey, Mrs. P.
Oh, hello, love.
Hey. I've been praying for you.
Come here. Come here. Ooh, little fella!
Jeez, haven't you got him one of them cochlear things yet?
- He doesn't want one. - Well, he's seven.
How does he fucking know?
Have you not seen the videos? They're heartbreaking.
It doesn't work like that for everyone. He's not a good candidate.
No, no, no. No, they even do it with dogs now.
And there's one hearing his owner
for the first time and his little tail.
Oh, it's marvellous, yeah. Come in, sweetheart.
- Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi. - So do you!
- Ah! - MAN: Here she comes! First born.
SUZIE: Hello, Jon.
I didn't recognise you without a penis nearby.
- MAN: Whey-hey! - WOMAN: Jon, don't start.
- MAN: There is a penis nearby. - WOMAN: It's you, Jon!
Ow. Has he gone outside?
JON: Give me the, um... Pass me the thing.
- What are you after now? - Is this what we're using?
Excuse me. I'll get you a drink in a minute.
NAOMI: Mm, look at this spread. Well done, Karen.
- (SHOUTS) Nah-nah! - (SCREAMS)
- What are you doing?! - Now I recognise you. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah.
Bit light for you, though, Suzie girl.
SUZIE: Was that worth it? Was it worth it?
- (LAUGHTER) - Bloody hell.
Dad, can I have a fag whilst he's out?
Give us a light.
Has he left you, then, out of embarrassment?
- NAOMI: Oh, Jesus... - Don't worry. It's alright.
- KAREN: Here you go. - Thank you.
JON: Made my eyes water and I only saw the blurry ones.
- (SHANE SINGS) - Alright, Shane?
- Yeah, you alright, Suz? - Mum, where should we get changed?
- Shall we just go upstairs? - What's that? I can't hear.
- What did you say? - I said, "Where are we changing?"
Nah, Suz, you sound like you've got something in your mouth.
- (MUTTERS) - (BOTH LAUGH)
Phil, don't do that when Cob's here.
Don't 'Phil' me in my own house.
Literally not your house.
Yeah, but you can't go upstairs, can you, sweetheart,
'cause, um, your sister's up there, isn't she?
WOMAN: No, not her. It's him. He can't go upstairs.
NAOMI: Starting early.
- Alright, Suz? - Oh, hi.
- NAOMI: Alright, Danielle? - DANIELLE: Alright.
I can't think straight. Um, what are you all doing sat in the kitchen?
Go on, sod off, all of you.
PHIL: Harpy!
(ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
DANIELLE: 'Ere, you know what I wanna know?
- KAREN: I'm trying to cook! - How many famous people you met?
Well, I work with famous people every day, so literally all the time.
No, not you. Suz. How many famous people you met?
- Name them. - Oh, I've met loads.
I've met Louis Theroux, I've met...
- Louis who? Who? Who? - Louis Theroux. You know who that is?
- No. - Oh, my God.
- Next. Who else? - What? Well, I've met loads.
Like, what, do you want me to just list famous people?
DANIELLE: Yes.
What's going on with all this naked stuff?
- I mean, I'd feel terrible. - Straight in.
I'd feel awful. I would feel so awful.
Did you sell it or something?
What?! No!
Nah, it's an awful angle for anyone.
- I'd have deleted it. - I did delete it.
They store recently deleted stuff too now.
Oh, I'm gonna be really rude. Gonna be really rude right now.
Do you know when you go on top?
You know when you go on top, right?
You know what I'm talking about. Right, when you lean...
When you lean over,
you wanna get a mirror and check what they are seeing.
I've got udders.
And I go to BODYPUMP twice a week, do you know what I mean?
- Where's your boyfriend, Naomi? - KAREN: Oh, no, no, no.
- NAOMI: Where's my boyfriend? - Do you remember? She's not, um...
- She's... - No, no. Well, I'm actually 50-50.
She's into women.
Oh, mate, I would... (GAGS) ... at a fanny.
Don't you wax them every day at work?
Yes. I get paid to do that. I'm not nose-deep in it.
60-40. 60-40 men now, talking to you.
DANIELLE: One time, during a massage, I was so hungover,
I vommed all over her lower back.
70-30.
That's my limit. That area, it's a no-go, mate.
Strictly dickly, me.
Alright, Danielle, I wouldn't do you either, so chill out.
- Oh, charming! (LAUGHS) - KAREN: Shane!
Shane's... Shane's cousin's here, isn't she?
- Oh, yes! - She plays netball for Kent.
She's gay!
Actually, Naomi's in the market for a bit of spunk,
if there's any going.
Didn't Cob want to have more kids and then you didn't?
Oh, my God. That's not true, is it?
- Oh, Mum... - NAOMI: It is true.
Well, there's a solution. You can have her old fella.
- Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. - I think even I might have a line.
- Fill your boots. - (WOMAN LAUGHS)
- Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum? - KAREN: Oh, yeah!
DANIELLE: Cheers to that. To the strictly dickly crew.
Alright?
- Alright? - Alright?
Oh, babe!
Alright, Grinny? This is mad, isn't it?
Look at you. Look at you.
So crazy, 'cause you're eight still, aren't you?
- How are you? What the fuck? - Don't. How am I?
How are you? You've got a lot of make-up on.
No, this is normal.
Right. I've brought the magic showbiz box.
So, have you got any words of wisdom for your sister?
You've done it enough times.
Well, it's a sign I'm not very good at it, Grin.
(WHISPERS) Can't say that.
I'll bet this dress makes you want to be sick.
- No. - Your father's doing me bloody head in.
It's good. It's looking quite creased on there.
Oh, you look like a model.
Look at you. She's gorgeous, isn't she? (CHUCKLES)
This is actually really good.
- KAREN: Give us a fag. - Oh, blimey, what are you doing?
Mum, what are you doing? You're sat on the dress.
- Bloody hell. Keep your hair on. - You're just going to crease it all!
You're just smoking next to it. It'll go up.
- It's creased anyway. Jesus. - GRINNY: What are you like?
- Hey, Ferd. - Alright.
Alright, Shane? Budge up.
(COMMENTATOR SPEAKS ON TV)
JON: Thing is, that centre forward, I've seen milk turn faster.
- Size of his arse. - PHIL: Size of your arse.
- (LAUGHS) - JON: He ain't fit. Look. Look.
GRINNY: Karen says you've done a porno.
No, I didn't. I-I didn't.
Who's the bloke in it? I bet you shat yourself.
- No, it doesn't matter. - GRINNY: It's all them Kardashians.
KAREN: Just worried about you.
A married woman doesn't need to do all that stuff.
Look, honestly, when I think about what's on my phone...
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - DANIELLE: Suz! Your husband's here!
Okay, off.
COB: Bonjour! I hear a television. It must be a wedding day.
COMMENTATOR: I wonder what Marco Silva would do about this
with Liverpool pegging his team back...
Oh, here he is. Sound of the devil.
Okay. Shane, congrats.
I see you're enjoying your last free moments there. Quite right.
Take a pew. Liverpool scored.
Utterly convinced, aren't you, if you keep telling me things,
eventually I'm gonna care.
Hello, Phil.
Not even a joke about my wife in those photos?
No? I thought that'd be right up your street.
- Feel free to shout, "Cuckold". - That's my daughter.
Well, indeed. Yes, it is. Yeah.
Not gonna allude to me being unable to satisfy her?
I expected a bit more badinage, mate.
- What's a cuckold again? - (LAUGHS) You'll find out.
- (MEN CHUCKLE) - Porn thing.
- When a black guy does it. - Okay.
FERD: Fucking... Shane, will you move?!
Well, I'm gonna let Naomi deal with that... that bombshell.
I can see it's sending her into an intersectional feminist frenzy.
COB: Good stuff.
COMMENTATOR: ... in no-man's land. It's Firmino!
(MEN CHEER)
Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. Don't mind me.
KAREN: Oh!
- COB: Hiya. - KAREN: Hiya, Cob.
Hey, love. Sorry about the Eurostar. Sounds like a nightmare.
Naughty, aren't you, coming into the secret chamber?
- I know. - Hello, B-law.
Vision.
Do you know, I always forget how tall you are.
- How tall is he? - He must be 6'2" if he's a day.
- He's 6'. - (LISPS) 6'2" in my heels.
GRINNY: I wouldn't let him out of your sight if I were you, Suzie.
Sorry, they said this was the best place to get changed.
I think Shane's using the loo. Ooh!
It's good luck! They say,
"The looser the bowels, the truer the vows".
Do you want us to... Should we leave while you get changed?
No, no, no, Mum. This is the bride's getting-ready space.
COB: It's fine. It's just a...
It's a late hen party for you all, isn't it?
(WOMEN LAUGH)
- Suz, you went up for a musical? - Yeah.
Yeah, I just thought, you know,
maybe less getting murdered and raped
and zombied all the time, you know.
Maybe just a bit more tap dancing.
Oh, are you gonna do a musical?
Yeah, I mean, it's just an audition.
But it's actually... It's a new musical.
It's pretty vibe-y. It's called 'A Party for Monica Lewinsky'.
Right. And who would you be playing?
I've always wanted to be in a chorus line. It's,
like, my absolute dream.
Why, even in, like, your wildest fantasies,
are you just a faceless chorus member?
I mean, it's... it's your dream, Mum. You could literally star.
Sorry, you're gonna get away from everything that happened recently
by playing Monica Lewinsky?
Can you even sing?
Yeah, I was a professional pop star.
COB: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Okay. Um...
Have you got a bag for these? Don't want to ruin the line.
Yeah, I'll put it my bag.
Merci beaucoup.
I'm just gonna check if Shane's out of the toilet.
KAREN: Have you been training?
You're goddamn right, I have been.
- Have some of this. - GRINNY: Nice hairy chest.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
COB: I don't mind my hairy chest. I trimmed it, actually.
- That's a trim. (LAUGHS) - _
(MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL CHATTER)
_
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Uh, news... the musical wanna take you up to a dance audition.
It's pretty much what you've done before
but the choreographer's only in today.
- Can you do it over Skype? - What, today, like, now?
Yeah. I said the only time you're free is now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's... let's do it.
But don't tell Arch. I don't wanna pull focus.
No. Let's go.
Can I just put it over here?
- Can you see me? - MAN: That's good. I can see you.
I just need you to copy what I'm doing, okay?
Keeping it really basic.
Um, I mean, alright.
As long as you can hear me talk to the beat.
Just going to be like this, okay?
Okay, I've been sent to do the face. Lucky you.
- That's nice of you, Naomi. - Yeah.
Sit down, Arch. Let's have a look.
Uh, should we start with the eyes or... ?
Yeah. We were thinking about Cleopatra eyeliner.
- Just straight and neat. - Yeah? Like a flick?
- Yeah. - Sure. Okay.
- Neat. - Yeah, neat. Sure.
Um...
Uh, well, 'cause I'm used to doing my own,
if I just start here in the corner and work across...
Nah. Nah, no offence.
- What? - You're not equipped.
- Mum, look at that. - Oh, fuck.
Oh, you need to smudge it.
- Smudge it. - Smudge it.
On her wedding day. Fuckin' hell.
Well, now I've lost confidence.
MAN: ... five, six and seven, eight. And one...
- ... three and four. - One, two, three, four...
No, no, no, no.
- You've got to go in. - _
MAN: With me, Suzie.
- Okay, take it from the top. - Sorry. Start again. Okay.
And a one...
- One, two, three, four, five, six. - Change.
Seven and a one, two, three...
Phil, come on. Come on! Come on!
(LAUGHTER)
(PHIL SINGS) ♪ If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum ♪
♪ With a lump of celery Celery! ♪
- Wahey! - No, go away!
- SUZIE: I'm doing my tape! - What's going on out there, then?
- Don't film me! What are you doing? - Why not? They're gonna love it!
- I'm so sorry. - (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
Mum, he looked right at me!
Sorry, I'm at my sister's wedding.
You stupid bastard, Shane. You're not supposed to look!
I didn't see anything. Arch, I didn't see ya!
Oh, it doesn't matter! Okay, I'm gonna have to call you back.
You've probably fucked it with your eyes now!
Fuck off. I didn't see anything! Arch!
- Smash a mirror and cancel it out. - It doesn't work like that, Mum.
- SUZIE: ... get that job. - (LAUGHTER)
Five, six, seven...
She can't control who comes into the garden.
Whatever. It's fine. Just don't bring this energy into the minivan.
I just don't want you remembering this
as Suzie making it all about her.
We'll finish the make-up en route.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(FLY BUZZES)
('BRIDAL CHORUS' BY RICHARD WAGNER PLAYS)
Why is it only married people that cry at weddings?
KAREN: Oh, God. (SNIFFS)
Apparently, I haven't got anywhere to sit
because I'm not supposed to be here.
- Result. - Oh, you are supposed to be here.
You can't just say that and it's true. It's fine.
(KAREN GROANS)
(BLOWS NOSE, GRUNTS)
Ooh.
(DOOR CLOSES)
By the way, your dad's in a bit of state about everything.
And he wants me to ask you something.
What?
Alright, you're not allowed to get angry with me, alright?
Oh, no, here we go.
No, listen, I don't know anything about this,
but your dad's gonna do a chat with one of the men from the 'Sun',
just so you know.
What?
It's 30 grand, love.
What... what... what are you talking about?
They just want to talk to him about stuff and your life, you know.
I mean, it's about all of us, all this.
And Archie is gonna get 30 grand as a gift for a deposit.
I mean, have you got her a gift?
Yeah, I've got her a gift. I've got her a...
- What? - An air purifier that also cools.
Nice, but this is better. It's a house.
Hang on. Dad's gonna talk to a paper?
Yeah, but he's stressed that you are gonna get stressed about it.
Okay, alright. Alright, Mum.
- Just another day... - It's 30 grand!
By the way, what the fuck are you doing
relaying messages for your ex-husband?
I don't know. Just... That's all, anyway.
- Yeah. - Right, just don't ask!
Alright, Mum. Fucking hell.
('JUST A LITTLE' BY LIBERTY X PLAYS)
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Everything about you... ♪
Oh. I don't want any more. I just want a bit of cheese.
- That's what you wanted, Dad. - Here, you have it.
Shane, come and meet my cousin. Come on, Shane. Come on.
- Alright? - Alright?
Mum said you're gonna talk to the 'Sun'.
(CLEARS THROAT) Why is she making a thing about it?
What do you even know about it?
I know my daughter's all over the papers.
No, I'm not all over the papers. Naomi's seen to that.
They're not allowed to print it. It's illegal.
They're doing a piece on the men in your life...
What?
... which I do have some feelings about, actually, historically.
(LAUGHS) Wow.
Wow. I mean, I-I cannot...
I cannot believe you're gonna try and make money out of this.
I'm not making money out of it.
I'm giving 20 of it to your sister as a wedding present...
- Right. - ... as a deposit for a house.
Okay, what about the other 10?
- Okay, Phil? - Having a good time?
- Yeah, great. - Lovely. Nice to see the family.
It's just words, Suzie. It's mental.
They give it to you for words.
I know, Dad. I know. Don't you think they came to me?
Didn't you think to come to me?
So, I have to come to you for permission
to talk about my own family?
- Is that the rule now? - Have you already done it?
You're in charge of the family now, are you?
Apparently, Dad, yeah, I am.
All I know is your sister is never gonna be able to buy a house,
and I can't help because...
You pissed away all of your money...
Because of the collapse of the industry I worked in.
What, the fuckin' managing local bands? That industry?
Yeah, do you think the internet doesn't affect live music?
I literally paid off your mortgage.
Yeah, and moved it into your mum's name.
Yeah, because you left the house.
Then I didn't get nothing paid off, did I?
I didn't get nothing. Story of my life.
And now you say I can't say a few words to a bloke on the phone
for a rag that no-one reads?
Controlling. You wanna control me, wanna control my voice.
Well, I'm not gonna be controlled anymore.
Hmm.
Got it?
Dad's gonna sell a story on me. And you, I suppose.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(PHIL, JON AND COB ARGUE)
They're jackals, Phil. You'd understand that.
- WOMAN: Come sit here. - And it fucked that marriage up.
Stay sensible.
Jude, Naomi. Naomi, Jude.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi, Jude.
- Jude plays netball. - Yes, I remember. Thank you.
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
- Want some wine, Jude? - Yes, please.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
_
- Do you want this, Ferd? - FERD: No, you have it, darlin'.
- Eugh. - DANIELLE: Alright, you two.
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
I'd like to introduce the father of the bride.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
PHIL: Thank you.
(SINGS) ♪ Regrets... ♪
(MILD LAUGHTER)
When you have kids, you think,
"Oh, God, I've got to keep them alive.
"I've got to keep these little girls alive".
But then you don't just keep 'em alive.
You've got to keep them happy and safe and warm and fed
and even that's not enough, you know?
- Apparently. - (LAUGHTER)
"No, Daddy, you mustn't shout".
You have to say "excuse me" when you burp.
- (LAUGHTER) - JON: Yeah, as if you ever did!
"You shouldn't eat eggs from those battery ones".
I remember Archie saying to me,
"You can't sit on that deckchair, Dad", on the beach,
"'Cause you gotta pay for it".
And I said, "It's alright. They'll come round".
But she was very cross that whole time.
Do you remember, Squidge?
"No, you gotta pay for it, Daddy!"
And I'm from the '60s. "Fuck the deckchair man".
(LAUGHTER)
So I walk all the way down the beach to find the bloke.
Course, when we get back there,
there's these other bastards sat there.
Now, I'm about to lose my absolute...
And there's Archie, beaming.
She said, "They don't even know they're a present, Dad".
GUESTS: Aww!
'Cause that made her day.
(APPLAUSE)
That wasn't...
- What? - That wasn't... That never happened.
- That was me. - Sure.
PHIL: ... makes you a better man, which is what my kids did for me.
So I don't need to think of anything else to say
'cause I'm so happy for you.
And, um, it's good to, and nice to, feel something pure
because there's not a lot that is.
And you gotta remember when something's pure, haven't you? Okay.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
MAN: Everyone, I'd just like to do a toast to Shane and Archie.
ALL: Shane and Archie.
- Cheers. - Love you.
Cheers, Mum.
THE CLASH: ♪ Down the Casbah way ♪
♪ As soon as the Shareef was chauffeured outta there ♪
♪ The jet pilots tuned to the cockpit radio blare ♪
♪ As soon as the Shareef was outta their hair ♪
♪ The jet pilots wailed ♪
♪ The Shareef don't like it ♪
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah ♪
♪ The Shareef don't like it ♪
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah ♪
♪ The Shareef don't like it, he thinks it's not kosher ♪
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah ♪
♪ The Shareef don't like it, fundamentally can't take it ♪
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah ♪
♪ The Shareef don't like it... ♪
(CHEERING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
COB: You guys will probably sleep together tonight.
Your husband's an arsehole.
Why is it okay for you to say that to me?
If I said that to you, you'd all explode.
'Cause it's factually accurate.
I was just saying I find weddings depressing.
No, you were saying they were depressing.
- You were claiming it as a fact. - Because it's a fact to me.
No, it's about the amount of hope.
That's the exact opposite of depressing, surely.
You have this woman handed from one man to another man...
Oh, my... You don't mean that. You don't even think that.
You're just quoting from some idea which is just as received and false
as you say marriage is, just to impress...
- Okay, that's fine. - No, no, no.
No, 'cause I could easily play devil's advocate
with the whole who owns what thing.
Ooh, devil's is my favourite kind of advocacy.
- Oh, guys, come on. - Oh, good, okay.
Well, no, man-bash. Sure. That's genius. But just...
Okay, say, for example, say men wanna be with a woman, right?
Wanna be in a relationship with a woman.
So women say, "Why should I be? What are you offering me?"
Well, what are you offering her?
So men go out and they kill animals and they build huts
and they build civilisations, they make an empire.
"What about protecting me? What if you're not around?"
"Okay, yeah, good point".
So he goes out and he makes the police force and the army
and he persuades men to die and go to war.
She says, "But what about nice things? I want nice things".
"Alright, yeah. Okay, fair enough".
So he makes the economy and he builds skyscrapers...
Yeah, big fucking dicks in the sky, man.
She says, "Why have you got all that stuff? I want some of that stuff.
"Why do I have to sit in this massive house you built me all day?"
So, men go, "Okay, yeah. No, fair enough. I can appreciate that.
"Why don't you come in? Why don't you be part of this thing?"
"I want half of it". "Yeah, okay, fine.
No, I understand that. Here you go.
Why don't you come in and be half of this thing? I think you're great".
Ugh! Stop harassing me! Get the fuck out.
This is all mine now. Get out". "That's not really on, is it?
I built all this just to impress you".
"I don't care. Get out. This is all mine now".
Why the fuck should women be with men
if they can't offer them anything?
- What is the point? - That's exactly what I'm saying to you!
You're agreeing. You're agreeing.
Basically, men built the world so women would fuck them
and then women are like, "Give me this world you've built.
Oh, and also, we don't wanna fuck you anymore".
- (LAUGHS) - Would be the argument.
Okay.
- Are you married? - That's my wife.
- Yeah, we are. Yeah. - I'm just trying to liven things up.
It is actually quite depressing.
- (SUZIE LAUGHS) - Let's dance.
Let's do it.
You're welcome. I'm going for a piss.
Look after my phone, will you? All your family are thieves.
_
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
_
PHIL: She's made me do this.
(SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago ♪
♪ I can still remember ♪
♪ How that music used to make me smile ♪
♪ And I knew if I had my chance ♪
♪ That I could make those people dance ♪
♪ And maybe they'd be happy for a while ♪
♪ But February made me shiver ♪
♪ With every paper I'd deliver ♪
♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪
♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪
(PIANO MELODY CONTINUES)
(LIGHT TINKLING)
(HAND SLAPS)
(SINGS) ♪ So, bye-bye, Miss American Pie ♪
♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry ♪
♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye ♪
♪ Singin', "this'll be the day that I die, ♪
♪ This'll be the day that I die". ♪
PHIL: Come on!
♪ Did you write the book of love ♪
♪ And you have faith in God above? ♪
Forget it, by the way. I'm not doing it anymore.
No papers, no present for Archie.
I'm tired of being the arsehole. You be the arsehole.
♪ Well, I know that you're in love with him ♪
♪ 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym ♪
♪ You both kicked off your shoes ♪
♪ Man, I dig those rhythm and blues ♪
♪ Lonely teenage broncin' buck ♪
♪ With a pink carnation and a pick-up truck ♪
♪ But I knew I was out of luck ♪
♪ The day the music died... ♪
Big-time.
We were gonna stay at the hotel but it's, like, 300 quid
and we'd rather just put that on a deposit for a holiday.
Oh, it's better here anyway so he can be sick.
What the fuck does she keep in this room?
- Have you ever looked in here? - No.
At least she doesn't keep this out anymore.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh, my God.
She's so mental.
When this was my room,
she used to, like, come in and ask me if she should leave Dad.
- Did she ever do that to you? - No.
Um... Thanks. She'd come in and she'd be hammered.
She'd be like, "Do you think I should leave your father?
You do, don't you?"
Fucking hell. What did you say?
I don't know. I was 10.
- Did you say yeah? - No, it wasn't me, Arch.
Dad left Mum. The walls are pretty thin.
He's actually...
He's told me not to tell you
'cause he doesn't want you to do favourites,
but he's giving me and Shane, like,
15 grand for a deposit on a house.
You know, he's actually sorted a lot out.
(LAUGHS) 15! Okay, but do you actually know...
- Why have you gotta shit on everything? - I'm not. It's just...
It might not be a lot of money to you, but...
- Okay, but it's Dad. - It's a wedding present.
'Cause don't say anything,
but I reckon I'm up the wotsit.
Are you fucking joking? You've been wankered all day.
Well, yeah, that's why I haven't done a test.
I'm not not gonna drink at my wedding, am I?
But you know you shouldn't drink whilst you're pregnant, Arch.
Well, I figured a lot don't stick, do they?
And I reckon if this one can survive all the shit that I throw at it,
then it really wants to survive and have a go at life, you know?
Anyway, we're all happy at the minute.
(WHISPERS) I could drive him back to the hotel.
- I haven't drunk anything. - No, he knows where he is here.
- (INHALES DEEPLY) - Yeah. Okay, good.
- Frank... - No, it's alright. It's alright.
I want you to fuck this bloodline out of me.
Let's get these bad boys off.
This is fucking sexy when I take it off.
- I'll bet it is. - It's fucking sexy.
Come on, then.
- It takes quite a long time. - (BOTH LAUGH)
- Well, hurry up. - There it is. Oh!
- Wow. - Merry Christmas.
- Pretty fucking hot, right? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. You just wait. You just wait. Oh, yeah.
I love your hair.
Oh, well, you're in luck, baby,
'cause there's plenty more where that came from.
Ah. I thought you loved my hair.
I do love your hair. I just... I wanna see your face.
(MOANS)
Oh, hello. Were you bitten by a shark?
- It's a caesarean scar. - Oh.
What? It was a long time ago.
Oh, God, it's not dead, is it?
What? No.
She's on holiday in Greece. She's 17.
Oh, wow.
This is, uh, like, my first night out since I was 20.
Welcome back.
Stop.
Oh, fuck.
(DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE)
- (DOOR CLOSES) - KAREN: Shh! You dirty sod.
- COB: Just... I think it's... - KAREN: Get off! (LAUGHS)
- KAREN: Phil... - Did you hear that?
- PHIL: Get up those stairs... - Did you hear that?
- Shh, shh, shh, shh. - Oh, my God!
(KAREN GIGGLES)
(HEAD BANGS)
Just...
No, no, no, no. Oh, my God.
It's Mum and Dad. It's fucking Mum and Dad.
It's not ideal.
- I think we broke your mum's sink. - (BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, you set off, then, you, alright?
Mum, I'm gonna transfer 15 grand to Dad,
so just make sure Archie gets that full 15, yeah?
- Yeah, I heard you. - Yeah, but how are you gonna do that?
I don't know. I'll look at the bank, won't I?
But you don't have access to Archie's bank account.
Just ask her how much Dad gives her
and make sure it's the full 15, yeah?
- Yes? - Yeah. Alright, alright.
It's a bit early. Go on. Go on. Off you go before it gets busy.
PHIL: Karen, make us a tea, love.
Everyone had to stop over last night. Bloody madhouse.
Alright, I'll see you later. See you. 'Bye.
Ta-ra, love. Off you go.
(BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
(MAN SINGS) ♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home ♪
♪ Jackie took a chance... ♪
NAOMI: Hello, Pickles.
Can I bum a ciggie before we go get fingered in the railway arches?
I think we should stop talking like that in front of him, okay?
I'm worried that he's absorbing stuff all the time
like a big sanitary towel full of my gross...
Bleugh.
You mean stuff like that?
I need you to get me something from the chemist.
The morning after pill. (CLEARS THROAT)
Slag.
Come on.
♪ I'll say this I miss you more every day ♪
♪ Daylight, it leads me back your way ♪
♪ Falling into my mind again ♪
♪ I'll say this I miss you more, my friend ♪
♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home ♪
♪ Jackie took a chance and went in alone ♪
♪ And I can feel the road under my feet ♪
♪ Years flew by in the pouring rain ♪
♪ And I can hear you calling my name ♪
♪ And I can feel the road under my feet ♪
♪ Wake me up when the morning comes ♪
♪ Wake me up and watch me run... ♪
I really want to be in a musical.
I think they'll offer, you know.
No, I mean all the time.
♪ It leads me back your way... ♪
I know. S-S-Sorry.
Alright. (GRUNTS)
♪ I miss you, my old friend ♪
♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home ♪
♪ Jackie took a chance and went in alone... ♪
♪ And I can feel the road under my feet ♪
♪ Years flew by ♪
♪ In the pouring rain ♪
♪ And I can hear you calling my name... ♪
♪ And I can feel the road under my feet ♪
♪ Wake me up ♪
♪ When the morning comes... ♪
♪ Wake me up ♪
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -