CRICKET: We'll install the subway tile backsplash... super classy...
Tear out your sad pantry
to make room for the second dishwasher...
Your wife is gonna love that...
And then to incorporate your new kitchen island,
we're gonna have to blast out this wall... ka-blam!
And then we'll replace these really outdated fixtures
with brushed Italian brass throughout.
Now, I could have a demo crew to your house by...
Ooh, looks like early as Wednesday.
Does 8:00 a.m. work for you?
Look, like I said, I just need a faucet.
- I don't need... - Oh, listen, Scott.
- It's Dave. - I jumped through so many hoops
to do this for you.
And I hate to be the one to break it to you,
but your problems run a lot deeper than a faucet.
So, let's not be stupid here, okay?
Are you calling me stupid?
Not at all. I'm just begging you not to be stupid.
(HUFFS)
Cricket?
I don't want to hear it, Terry. I don't want to hear it, okay?
You want a closer, you got to just back up and let me do my job.
Fine. Write me up again.
I can't. I've told you before
about being rude and abrasive to customers.
You've maxed out your reprimands,
your suspensions without pay.
I'm-I'm out of tools.
- Terry... - Mm-mm.
Oh, come on, man!
I'm gonna need you to turn in your tag.
Fine.
TERRY: The real one.
Fine.
But please give Wanda my position as senior design executive.
'Cause she deserves it.
I cannot do that, because you made up that title,
and then you wrote it on a name tag.
Then I'll help you out. Wanda, you just got promoted!
- You go, girl! - What?
Y-You're not promoted, Wanda.
- Okay. - (TERRY SIGHS)
Wha...?
Why you walking so funny?
No, Cricket, don't!
Okay, you made your point. No!
Cricket!
Real mature, Cricket. I feel like you
made the point with the first one...
What?!
♪ It's 1911 ♪
♪ In New York City ♪
♪ And I'm sewing shirts and socks ♪
♪ But there's a fire in the warehouse ♪
♪ And my skin is melting off ♪
♪ There's a fire deep inside of me ♪
♪ This is why we need labor reform... ♪
No, no, no.
Thomas, this is a song about a boy who is literally on fire!
You sound like a boy who's, like,
choosing toppings for your froyo.
Okay, now, show me engulfing.
Come on, five, six, seven, eight.
Come on, you call that engulfing?!
What part of Guys and Dolls is this?
Please forget Guys and Dolls, you little dummy!
I wrote you an original musical!
A world premiere on your school stage!
You're welcome. (GROANS)
God, now writhe!
Come on, all you flames, get in here!
Come on, get in here!
Faster, faster! More energy!
Burn him!
- ♪ There's a fire ♪ - Mr. Melfi?
- ♪ Deep inside of... ♪ - Mr. Melfi!
Can I speak with you?
It's art.
It is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
We're pulling the plug on Children of the Fire.
I wrote Children of the Fire specifically for these students.
I know, Jann.
But the school board does not think
Children of the Fire is appropriate for 12 and 13-year-olds.
Actual 12 and 13-year-olds died in that factory fire.
So, what could be more appropriate?
The school board also thinks
they need to go in another direction creatively.
So, what? I'm back to directing Guys and Dolls?
No, you are not directing anything.
Et tu, Doug?
Et tu?
Okay.
Okay, company.
Rehearsals are done for today.
(FOOTSTEPS STOMPING)
JANN: He inferred that my choreography...
was inappropriate and abusive.
I mean, no, Doug.
Abusive is making those kids
do fucking Guys and fucking Dolls for the 18th time.
Well, yeah, I mean...
Those idiots,
they can't comprehend your vision, right?
I mean, they're bureaucrats.
It's like me at Fair & Square.
Terry says that I am rude
and abrasive to the customers? (HUFFS)
You're trying to turn that customer's life around,
and Terry called you "abrasive"?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Oh, your gifts were wasted there.
Well, hey, talk about wasted talents.
I tell you what, if you put
Children of the Fire up on Broadway,
it would run for a hundred years.
But, unfortunately, our schools
are in the business of teaching mediocrity.
Yeah. We're both nailed to the same cross, my love.
(CRICKET SIGHS)
Jann, is this it for us?
I mean, is this just our life now?
We're destined to be two people with vision
living amongst the blind?
I don't know.
It's like the system is rigged against us.
It's the only explanation.
(GROANS)
Here we go, the master suite.
Speaking of mediocrity, look at these two yahoos.
- Your new living area... - Yeah.
... is open concept with organic flow,
coffer ceilings, maple-floating hardwood floors,
and built-ins with plenty of shelf space.
Oh, and, Dylan, we kept your hunting trophy.
(CHUCKLING): Oh, man!
- Oh, he's so... - (IMITATES SHOTGUN FIRING)
Deer antlers?
Holy Jesus, Tiffany!
Your Botox is bleeding into your brain.
- Who is dressing Tiffany? - I don't know!
That magenta blouse?
It's like Dollar Shot Night at Hooters.
CRICKET: That is the bleakest
dining room I have ever seen in my life.
What a freakin' disaster!
JANN: What is with that horrible mirror on the wall?
It looks like Liberace's butthole.
You ready, and... boom!
CRICKET: Oh, my God! Seriously?
... indoor, outdoor lounging cabanas...
That looks like the visiting area of a prison!
- (WOMAN LAUGHS) - I know, right?
This is our home! I can't believe it.
- Thank you! - Come on, come on.
Look at that... tears of joy. Uh-huh, yeah.
This is all totally scripted.
- It has to be. - Bullshit!
- I mean, those are actors. - Bullshit.
- Until next time... - When you need the pros...
BOTH: Call the Connellys.
How do you two even have your own show?!
(PANTING)
I'm sorry.
I can't handle getting another job.
I can't take being oppressed like that again.
Same. Every job I take,
I am surrounded by just armies of dipshits.
This is not our destiny, Cricket.
I, for the life of me, don't understand why
those two have their own show and we're sitting around
eating microwave lasagna with the rent past due.
I wish I had the answer for you, my love.
I think people are just intimidated by us,
'cause we're ahead of our time.
What are we gonna do, Jann?
Well, we can't go back to my sister's.
The restraining order is...
What is this?
We're looking for Home Renovation TV's next dynamic duo.
Do you have a creative vision?
Are your ideas out of this world?
Do you have a passion for building and home renovations?
Then we want to see what you got.
Submit your house renovation video
to HRTV by April 30th to enter our contest.
Winners will be given their own show here
on Home Renovation TV.