- Looks like you're out of beer. - Oh, I'll go get some.
Oh no, there's some in the crisper drawer, Mike.
Well, we probably need more so I'll go get some.
You leave, you die!
Okay, kids, we're gonna start the treasure hunt.
Hey, what's going on? I thought you guys were getting a clown.
Hey, it's almost 3:00. Where's the clown?
Louie, call the clown.
- All right. - What clown did you get?
His name is Bingo.
Huh, never heard of him.
Hi, is this Bingo?
Hey, you're supposed to be at my house. Where are you?
What?
Were you gonna call us, or what?
Well fuck you, Bingo, right in the ass!
He quit being a clown three weeks ago.
So, what are we gonna do now?
Where is the clown, Mama?
Well, you see, honey, here's the thing.
We just called the clown and he said he's not feeling
well and he's not gonna be able to come here today.
But he said he knows an even better clown
and he's gonna be here any minute.
- So run and tell your friends! - Yay!
What do we do now, just leave?
- You could do it. - Do what?
Be the clown.
Yeah, Louie, be the clown.
No.
Forget it.
He can't be the clown.
I mean, he's got the hair, but he's not funny.
What's your clown name gonna be?
My clown name is "Fuck you, I'm not a clown."
Oh, the kids are gonna love that.
We could make you into a clown.
We just have to be creative.
Tina, can I borrow your make-up bag? And give me those pantyhose.
Whoa whoa, wait a minute. No no no.
Tina, put them back on 'cause I'm not doing it.
- Take 'em off! - What is it, guys, up or down?
Down, off!
- Look, you're not hearing me. - Louie, it is her birthday
and she's been looking forward to this for weeks.
Motherfucker.
Thank you.
Okay, let's clown you up.
- Who are you calling? - Lots of people.
Lucky Louie was taped before a live audience.
Okay, kids, are you ready for your special guest?
Yeah!
Well, here he is!
That's a keeper.
I'm not doing this.
- Oh, come on, come on. - I don't know what to do.
Do anything, just be funny.
- What's your name? - I don't know.
He's Mr. Pizza Box Man.
Yeah, okay, I'm Mr. Pizza Box Man.
What does Mr. Pizza Box Man do?
I don't know.
He jumps around and says pizza things.
Uh, pizza, pizza,
pepperoni pizza.
Cheese and crust. I like pizza.
- Yay! - Yay!
What else do you do?
I think that's it.
Oh, no, no, no he's just getting started.
Come on, Mr. Pizza Box Man.
Pizza, pizza, lots of pizza!
Doesn't Mr. Pizza Box Man do anything else?
- L... - Sure he does!
He dances around and makes farts.
Yay!
- Hey. - Hi.
What are you looking at?
The pictures from the party.
Boy, those kids love Mr. Pizza Box Man. Look at this.
- Yeah, no thanks. - Aw.
It was fun. Listen,
Beth, Ally's mom, called
and she wants you to do Mr. Pizza Box Man
for Ally's birthday party next weekend.
Fuck you.
She said, she'd pay you $100.
What is she, high?
Hey, you made the kids laugh
and you're cheaper than a bouncy castle.
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not doing it.
- Oh, come on. - It's one thing to do it once for Lucy.
But I'm not going out there doing it for other people's shitty kids.
Okay, I looked into that ballet class Lucy wants to take.
It's really expensive and this could help pay for it.
So you really expect me to go out there in pantyhose
and pizza boxes, and go into people's homes and do a fart dance?
Look, it's $100 for an hour's work.
So what? You could make that much
blowin' guys on the street.
Yes, but you see,
I don't have time to do that
because I have a full-time job.
Okay, so that's what this is.
This is you saying that I don't contribute to the family.
No, this is me saying you should go out and blow guys on the street.
Man, can you fucking believe her?
Yeah.
I mean, I have a full-time job.
It's called taking care of Lucy.
- Papa! - I'm busy.
Go, be a clown with a pizza box on your chest
so your daughter can do a dance class.
- Fuck her. - Yeah, right.
You agree with me, right?
Sure. Whatever.
What, you don't?
I don't know. There's kind of an element
of "What the fuck's your problem?"
What's that supposed to mean?
You work in a muffler shop. Is that really so much better
than slapping a pizza box to your ass every now and then?
No, it seems to me that you're being kind of selfish.
I mean, sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride
and do what's best for the kid.
I guess somebody's gotta teach her to dance.
Man, she sucks.
Louie, what the hell? What are you doing in that?
Ally's party.
What? You did it?
Yes, here's your dirty clown money.
- Well, how did it go? - How do you think?
A bunch of kids jumping on me, yelling at me?
It's fucking humiliating. It was awful.
I felt like I got raped by a bunch of children.
I fucking hated everyone... I hope, every kid
that was at that party fucking dies today.
Piece of shit. It was awful.
"Yeah, Mr. Pizza Box." Fuck you!
Oh my God, Louie!
It must have been awful for you.
- Yeah, it was. - But you did it.
And you got this money for Lucy.
I'm... I'm so proud of you.
Yeah?
Really.
I'm just... I'm really proud.
Wow, that's very proud.
Yup.
Come on, Mr. Pizza Box Man.
Pizza, pepperoni pizza.
Look, Mom. It's Lisa.
- Hey, Ellen. - Oh, hi, Kim.
You I see you enrolled in the class.
Yeah, Lucy is so happy.
- Aw. - Damn!
Check this shit out. Fancy shmancy.
Yes.
Hello, everyone, welcome.
I'm Miss Mimi.
Parents, make yourself comfortable. Dancers, follow me.
Wow, she seems like the real deal.
Yes, she was in the Joffrey.
- Hi, Linda. - Oh my God, coffee, yes.
What a morning. Did you guys take the bus over here?
Yes, we did.
How bad does the Number 34 suck, huh?
- Yes, well... - We sat next to this guy...
I mean, is it a rule that you have to smell like shit
to ride the bus? I mean, fuck!
- Would you excuse me for a moment? - Mm-hmm.
Oh! You gotta get in on this coffee cake.
Oh, it kicks ass!
So, Lou, this whole clown thing is working out for you, huh?
Yeah, actually I'm doing another party this weekend.
Oh, good good. That's great.
They, um, they give you a trophy
for being the world's biggest douche bag?
I'm just curious. I mean, what do they pay you
to twist your dick into a balloon animal?
Actually, I get $100 a party,
but it all goes to Lucy's dance class.
So, you're not even seeing any of the money?
Oh, you are the most pathetic
pussy-whipped jizz-bucket to ever live.
I suggest that you kill yourself.
I think, I'm gonna get some pie.
Hey, cock-face,
I just said you're a jizz-bucket and should kill yourself.
Faggot!
That's funny.
What is this?
- Why isn't this bothering him? - Because I'm happy.
I'm providing for my family,
my daughter gets to take her classes and my wife is happy.
- Very happy. - Really?
- When you say "happy"... - Yeah.
Tuesday, middle of the day blow job.
Oh, that's nice.
Kim blows you for dressing like a clown?
One time she blew me while I was dressed like a clown.
Great, now I gotta go jerk off.
He was gonna jerk off anyways.
- Oh, hey, Ellen. - Hello.
So, do you guys wanna split a cab to class next time?
Oh, well...
actually Lisa and I might be coming from her grandmother's.
Oh, well, if not...
Listen, the truth is,
I don't want you messing this up for me and Lisa.
What?
You know, the other moms at the ballet class
call you "F Mom."
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Oh.
Well, big deal. Just 'cause I curse a little?
What? We gotta be all "ooh" just cause it's ballet?
I'm just saying you might want to think about
how your behavior could reflect on Lucy, that's all.
I'll see ya.
Fuck you, lady.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, I'm doing Mr. Pizza Box Man at some youth center on Saturday
so I might be a little late for Lucy's recital.
Okay, thanks honey.
Is something wrong?
Do you think I'm gross?
Oh, honey.
There's nothing wrong with occasionally blowing your husband.
No, I mean, am I trash?
- Do I lack class? - What's bringing this on?
Ellen says I swear too much.
She says the other women at the ballet class call me "F Mom"
and maybe that reflects on Lucy.
I'm just being myself.
And now I feel like this big whorey trash mouth.
Well, you are.
What?
No, that's a good thing.
Look, I'm crazy about your dirty little mouth.
Our second date, remember? You were having your period
and you said you were bleeding like a mob hit.
I fell... I fell in love right there.
But that's not what this is about.
This is about making sacrifices for our daughter.
Now, I'm out there farting in kids faces
so she can have those classes.
I think, maybe you could go an hour a week without saying fuck.
Are you mad at me now?
No. No.
I'm glad you said it.
Okay, it's just, I'm a little worried now that you're not...
No, it's fine. I'll blow you later.
Good.
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
You wouldn't happen to know
where I could find Mr. Pizza Box Man?
I'm kidding! I could totally tell it was you.
Well, the kids are right in there.
Oh, is this a birthday party or...
Oh no, we just try to bring in entertainment
- for the kids when we can. - Okay, great, thanks.
Oh, you're a little older than I thought.
Uh... hey, kids,
did anybody order a Mr. Pizza Box Man?
Well...
I'm, uh... I'm Mr. Pizza Box Man
and I jump around and I say pizza things.
Pizza, pizza, pepperoni pizza.
Cheese and crust.
I like pizza!
Does anybody have a favorite kind of pizza?
I think, I heard somebody over there say something.
No.
Just give us the pizza.
I don't actually have any pizza.
- What? - No pizza?
- Then what's the point? - You're supposed to be the pizza man.
I'm the "Pizza Box Man."
L... I don't get it.
This is stupid. You look like a homeless person.
Look, I'm just trying to entertain you guys.
Well stop. You suck!
Okay, hang on...
Fuck you, Pizza Box faggot!
Excuse me.
Is something funny?
Uh... no.
Then why are you laughing?
All right, you look weird and we laughed.
Hey!
Hey, okay.
Hello.
Good afternoon.
Pardon me.
How are you today, Ellen?
I'm fine.
Hello parents, and welcome to our first recital.
The children are proud to present
"The Dance of the Enchanted Glen"
It's morning in the forest
and the nymphs dance amongst the rocks
and trees.
And the nymphs go back to the glen
to await another day.
Bows, bows.
Excuse me.
- I'm a little confused. - I'm sorry?
Well, I guess I was just hoping
that Lisa would have an opportunity to dance.
I'm sorry, which one is Lisa?
My daughter.
She played a rock.
Now, with all due respect,
I guess I was expecting a little more than that.
- Well, they can't all be stars. - Well...
Look, I have a waiting list.
So if you're dissatisfied please don't come back.
Well, fine. Then just give me my money back.
I'm sorry, it's non-refundable.
This is bullshit.
We want our fucking money back, now!
Excuse me.
What?
Just a bad night for Mr. Pizza Box Man.
- What about you? - Oh.
Good night for "F Mom."