Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
Dave?
Yes, Dad?
Can you help me with something? I think it's your... fridge?
Something seems off.
Well, without even looking at it,
I can tell you that it's not supposed to be
opened and shut every 30 seconds.
Maybe take a break on the snacks.
Yeah.
It looks fine.
Did you, like...
Ow, my foot!
So it's happening to you, too, huh?
Do we have any food in the house?
What the hell?
Uncle Arty is coming any second
and he's gonna expect a big spread.
Uncle Arty's coming? You gotta tell me this stuff.
I did.
Just now.
Maybe he can look at my foot.
Oh, what's the matter with your foot?
It's perfect, like your face.
I love you!
I love you.
Hello, family!
I'm here, and I'm starving!
By the way, parallel parking with a phone in your hand
is terrible!
Arty, what's the big news?
Oh, yeah.
Aunt Judith...
dead.
Oh, no!
What a horrible way to hear that.
I don't understand.
She wasn't even sick.
Joanna, she was 103.
Age is just a number, Dave.
But that number was 103.
Oh, boy.
Aunt Judith was a cool lady.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, she was my favorite great-aunt.
The last of her generation.
She was like my kindred spirit.
She was the only one in the family
who didn't ask me when I was getting married all the time.
Well, I never ask you that, Joanna.
Thanks, Doctor Uncle.
Because I know it's never gonna happen.
Oh, Debbie, I got to tell you,
she left you something in the will.
- Aww. - Her favorite Mont Blanc pen.
Oh. She loved that pen.
She used that pen to write the part of her will
that left me a two-bedroom house in Boca!
She left you a house?
Yeah!
Well, I did some pro bono physical therapy
on her knee before she died,
so at least I know that when she met her maker,
her ligaments were supple.
So you massaged her 103-year-old knee,
and she gave you a house?
I'm very good at what I do, Dave.
Oh, Rebecca!
I have something for you.
All the years, Stewie and I hosted everyone
after the funeral.
It's called a shiva.
We mourn.
We tell sad stories.
We cry a lot.
- I live for them. - Yeah.
Unfortunately, people have to die for them.
Well, anyway,
now that we're living in your house,
I thought it's time for me
to pass the torch...
to you.
Deb!
I'm touched.
I want you to have my shiva shawl.
Wha...?
I have worn this shawl
to every shiva I've ever thrown.
Oh. Thanks, Deb.
I was thinking I needed something appropriate.
Wow! It's leopard print.
Yeah, you gotta have some flair, you know?
I mean, you're not the dead one.
Oh.
Mm!
There are shoes to match, but your feet are too big.
Hey.
- Oh, hi, Davey. - Hi, missed you, baby.
Guess what.
You're gonna be hosting Aunt Judith's shiva.
I have passed the torch of hosting
to your beautiful bride.
Oh, that's so nice.
Now pass it back.
No!
Dave, this is a big honor.
Rebecca, a big honor
is getting to dance with Ellen.
Having my family over after a funeral
is just a bunch of older people complaining
and eating your food, and spoiler alert...
...we already have that.
Yeah.
Look, Dave,
if you don't want to do the shiva, don't.
- You'll do the next one. - Thank you, Mom.
Because it'll be mine,
because you will kill me if you don't take the torch.
David, take the torch.
I don't want the torch.
Take the torch!
It's not a torch for us to take.
We are taking the torch!
Fine! We're taking the torch.
Yay!
This is a big milestone,
hosting our first family event.
Rebecca, it's not Thanksgiving.
It's a shiva.
It's just my family sitting around eating horseradish
and trying to avoid my cousin Dan
so he doesn't invite anybody to one of his stand-up shows.
Yeah, but what if we made it our own a little,
like our wedding?
I mean, we were wedding vanguards, remember?
We were the first people to have a photo booth.
Everyone took all those funny pictures,
except cousin Dan.
Hey, you know who loved it? Your Aunt Judith.
Oh, yeah.
She was always taking the prop mustache
and putting it over her regular mustache.
Exactly!
She was a hip lady who bucked convention.
She would've loved a modern shiva.
Should it have a doughnut bar?
We'll do high-end s'mores.
It's just...
It's so crazy to me that my Aunt Judith
left my Uncle Art a house in Florida.
He's never gonna use it.
He complains about the humidity in the shower.
Would it be nuts to ask him to let my parents stay there?
I mean, at least until he retires
and moves down there full time?
I mean, that would be amazing,
but you'd have to ask your parents first.
It is their life.
Yeah, but their life is filling up my DVR
with "The Masked Singer".
Trust me, I think they're gonna love this plan.
That's a dumb idea. Who the hell came up with that?
We Kleins are a proud people,
and we could never, ever inconvenience our family
like that.
You live in my house.
Exactly!
We have a place to stay.
I'm not asking Uncle Arty
because this is what Aunt Judith wanted.
But... Uncle Art has a house.
Why does he need two?
But if we asked him to stay there,
and he said yes,
then we would be the ones with two houses.
This is my house!
You don't have any houses.
Forget it!
Hey, Joanna.
Is everything okay?
I'm just so down about Aunt Judith.
- I can't believe she died alone. - Yeah.
I am not going out like that.
I've got to meet someone.
Oh, you will meet someone.
Yeah, well, I meet people all the time,
then they all end up being lunatics.
I'm taking a new approach,
so I made this list of all the traits
I am looking for in a future partner.
Okay.
- Strong swimmer. - Mm-hmm.
Between 5'4 " and 5'9".
Does accents?
Oh, I fancy 'em.
Eeeh. Don't ever do that again.
Hi, girls.
We brought the silver tea service...
...and the family china
and all the chafing dishes.
Where do you want us to put them?
Oh, we won't be needing that.
I have my own serving ware.
Not to brag, but it's the same set
Chrissy Teigen has.
Oh. I find her very appealing.
Yeah.
But does she have chafing dishes?
You're gonna need them
to keep Aunt Marilyn's kugel warm.
When it's cold, it's like a brick.
Wh-When it's warm, it's like a brick,
but at least it's warm.
Well... I've got the food covered.
I found a cool recipe for kugel empanadas
on this lifestyle blog.
Kugel empanadas?
Rebecca, a woman is dead.
Well, I know it's a little unconventional,
but Aunt Judith, she was an unconventional lady.
Don't worry.
Everything is gonna be very tasteful.
Just picked up Aunt Judith from the printer!
Hey, set her over in the selfie corner.
Baby, please try to be calm.
Relax. Let Rebecca do her thing.
I can't relax, Stewie.
I'm not happy!
Drink your drink.
Oh, what is with this rosemary, Stew?
I'm not basting a chicken.
This isn't the way it's supposed to be!
You mean, it's not the way you did it.
You and I always had the best shivas.
Everyone was talking about it.
You're not wrong. You're not wrong.
Like the time Uncle Isaac hung on for another two weeks
so we could throw his shiva in Atlantic City.
I mean, really, an Aunt Judith selfie station?
Why is that woman changing everything?
You mean your gorgeous daughter-in-law
who you said makes you so proud
and who you gifted your favorite shawl to?
Yeah, her.
You know, I remember the first time you hosted,
and my mother was on you like white on rice, right,
criticizing every choice.
Oh, I know. She made me feel terrible.
I mean, she said that my shawl was too flashy,
wasn't good taste.
- Ah. - Insane.
I know!
But you had to make it your own.
And there's a tradition of bucking tradition.
But, Stewie, why does being herself have
to have a little twig branch in a perfectly good cocktail?
Baby, we just have to let Rebecca
do the hosting in her own way.
No, no, no, no, no!
Do you have any idea what's going on up there?!
It'll be a debacle, like their wedding!
Hey, the wedding was not a debacle.
I mean, yes, it was a little trendy.
- Stewie. - What?
Instead of a glass, they broke a mason jar.
Still, you passed the torch, Deb,
and the torch cannot be un-passed, right?
Right.
Wrong!
Listen, you don't fix this right now,
you're gonna be the pariah of the family.
Well, in that case,
can't we give the guests an option, you know?
- Deb! - Yes!
Yes, I'm not eating chopped liver poke,
or whatever it is.
I want horseradish. I want herring.
I want babka, and I want pickled everything.
Hey, I don't know what you're doing on Tuesday at 10:00 p.m.,
but I'm doing stand-up two hours from here.
It's pretty cool. I'm funny and edgy...
raw.
I got to be honest, Cousin Dan,
- I-I'm never gonna come to that. - Okay.
Put you down for a plus-two.
No, thank you.
Oh, am I glad to see you. I need a drink.
Mm, can I interest you in a Borscht-tini?
Is it good?
I mean, it's sour cream and beets in gin,
so no.
Okay.
Oh, honestly?
After that description?
Wow.
Let me get a beer, too.
Sorry, I'm not normally like this, just family stuff.
Oh, I get it.
Everyone's always asking me when I'm gonna settle down.
Me too. It's like, I'm looking, lay off.
Yeah, like hounding me is gonna make me
find the perfect girlfriend any faster.
Do you know how hard it is for me to find someone
who likes dogs as much as I do?
Thanks for the drink.
Do you do accents?
Uh... Not anymore-a.
Oh, leaving so soon?
Make sure to get a pic with Aunt Judith over there
and hashtag it #ShivaToDieFor7.
#ShivaToDieFor one through six were taken.
Yeah.
I'm just taking this to the other shiva.
I came here by accident.
What is this?
Oh, this is the basement shiva.
Kugel?
So, you threw an alternate basement shiva?
You gave me the torch and then you took it back?
No, technically Deb did not take back the torch.
She simply lit a second brighter torch
which made the first torch totally meaningless.
Oh.
And you think this is helping the situation?
Rebecca, here's what happened.
A couple of people said
that they wanted to have the more traditional food,
so I said they can come down to the basement with it,
and then one thing led to another,
and before you knew it,
we had this upstairs/downstairs shiva... situation.
One thing didn't lead to another.
This is what you do.
This is what you've been doing since you moved in here,
and I have had it!
So if you want your torch back, take your shawl back, too.
The shiksa shunned
the shiva shawl.
For shame!
Not cool... but raw!
You know, it seems like everyone could really use a drink, so...
I'm gonna go see what that bartender's up to.
Rebecca,
we might've passed the torch back and forth
several times in this family,
but no one has ever returned the shiva shawl!
Mom, you undermined us, just like you did at our wedding
when you changed the choreography of the flash mob.
Please, in fairness, she did not go lightly into this.
Your mother tortured herself as to whether or not
she should betray you with this basement shiva.
- Unbelievable. - She is a beautiful angel!
You know who was a beautiful angel?
Your Aunt Judith.
- Oh, yeah, she was. - Of course, yes.
Judith was a generous person.
So generous that she said
she liked Dave and Rebecca's horrible wedding,
despite the loud music,
the terrible food,
and that miserable parking.
We had free valet, Art!
I don't like people in my car, Dave.
The point is...
is that she gave of herself,
whether it be soup to the homeless.
She gave me her handicap parking space
at your very loud wedding.
And her OxyContin to her nurses...
and me during her final days.
Judith gave back.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Oh, my God, I think it's happening.
Stew...
Deb.
The house in Florida...
It's yours.
Ours?
Oh, my God. Arty, we can't.
Yes, you can. I thought long and hard about this.
This is what Judith would've wanted...
For me to have
a great legacy.
I don't know what to say.
I do! [BLEEP] yeah!
Is the way Judith would have reacted.
There you are.
Here I am.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Really? We're all just in one room.
Look, this... this might sound crazy, but...
I feel a real connection to you.
Oh, that doesn't sound crazy at all.
- I knew you felt the same way. - Mm!
Oh, no, Joanna! Joanna, n-no!
Y-You don't want to do this.
No, I know, Art! I know!
She may be short, and she may not be an architect.
She's not much of a kisser,
but I am trying to follow my heart.
Alright,
but your heart just led you to your cousin Margaret.
No!
But...
So, you're not the bartender?
I'm a surgeon.
You are?
Still your cousin.
Sorry! I'm getting confused! I just don't understand.
If you're not the bartender, why are you standing by the bar?
Because I was drinking, because I was at a shiva,
and now I'm gonna be drinking
because I just made out with my cousin, so...
Aah!
Can I come in?
Yeah.
I wanted to give you this.
Your shawl?
And the matching shoes.
Well...
you could stretch them out.
Congrats on the new house.
Oh, thank you.
And congrats to you, too,
'cause now I won't be around meddling so much.
- Deb. - No, no.
I'm so sorry, beauty.
Deb, that means a lot.
I'm sorry, too.
- You? - Yeah.
For what?
Well, I should've listened.
Maybe my shiva was too out there.
I mean, nobody even danced in the drum circle.
Oh, yeah.
Aunt Judith would have loved it.
You know, I don't say this often enough,
but I really admire you.
Well, I admire you, too.
Nothing ever gets you down.
Oh, you don't have to say that...
But I'll let you.
No, it's true.
You guys went broke,
and you stay so positive.
It's like you don't even know it's happening.
You do know it's happening, right?
Oh, Rebecca.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
But it's for the best.
Yeah. It's for the best.
I think.
You think?
Yeah, yeah.
No, i-it's... it's for the best.
Right?
You know, my parents are moving out,
my sister just embarrassed herself
by tongue blasting our cousin.
Some days, life is beautiful.
Yeah, well...
I can't thank you enough
for hosting another terrible event.
But I gotta jet, literally.
My flight is in three hours,
and I still got to pick up my bogus therapy pig
so I can get the extra leg room.
Uncle Art, don't go.
Deb has something to say.
Arty, I so appreciate your generosity,
but we decided,
we don't want the house in Florida.
Who's "we", 'cause I feel like
I should've been looped into this conversation.
Rebecca and I.
We're just not ready for this!
Rebecca... what's happening?
What are you... What are you doing? What are you saying?
Dave, I'm an only child.
I've never lived in a house this full of family.
I love it.
Let's just wait for a solution that's more local.
- Yes, local. Local. - No, no, no, no.
Baby, no. Davey is right.
Thank you.
We will see each other sometimes.
We'll call each other on the phone.
I mean, it won't be the same.
It won't be.
- I don't got it. I don't want to go. - Dad.
Would you please hurry with this decision?
Because my piglet is waiting, and unlike me,
he's an anxious flyer.
Okay. Listen, guys.
I know this will be hard.
Obviously, there is stuff that I will miss, too, you know?
Like coming into the kitchen and finding my father pantless.
Well, Sunday mornings, me and mimosas...
both bottomless.
Yeah, you know, this is hard for me, too.
I-I've never lived more than 2 miles from you guys,
and for the last couple months, it's been two minutes.
But we all agree, this is the right thing to do.
But it's just so hard.
I can't stand it.
Very comfortable here, and the rent is next to nothing.
Alright, alright, alright! That's it!
None of you want this.
I have been stup... I want this so bad!
Dave, the house
is off the table.
What about your legacy, Art? What about giving back?
I'm giving back
by not giving you the house.
That's how I'll give,
by taking.
That's my legacy!
So, I guess, uh...
This means that...
You're staying here?
We can stay with our children.
Oh, that's what we really wanted,
- deep down, huh? - Hey!
- Yeah. - Is it?
Aww!
Hey!
Well, it all worked out in the end.
No, it did not.
You guys didn't get a house,
and Joanna made out with our cousin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But is it not, in a way, exactly the kind of crazy story
that people can tell about me at my shiva?
You know, like Aunt Judith's fun stories?
Read my lips...
No one is ever gonna speak of that again.
Yeah. Profoundly disturbing.
- So weird. - Oh, a toast.
To family staying close.
But not as close as Joanna
and her cousin Maggie.
- Hey-oh! - Hey-oh!
Hey-oh!
Hello, family.
We missed our flight.
Got to stay here tonight.
Dave, Rebecca,
I'll take your room.
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com