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Hey, Bobbie, I just got your message.
I can't believe they want me on Inside the Actors Studio.
It's a real honor. I'm so proud of you. Why don't we talk about...
...what clips you're gonna use.
Actually, I had a cool idea.
I thought the aspiring actors in the crowd...
...might like to see some of my unsuccessful auditions.
It'll show them that even a great actor doesn't get every part he's up for.
Joey Tribbiani, King Kong screen test.
Action.
Sir, sir, you know you're not reading for the part of the ape.
That one wasn't as good as I remembered.
Oh, here's a good one.
Joey Tribbiani, Capote screen test.
Action.
I'm Truman Capote.
I understand that you and your brother were involved in a heinous crime.
Thank you.
Batman Begins screen test.
Action.
Who are you?
I'm the Batman.
I'm bringing Gotham dark justice.
Boy, I really locked into that Capote voice.
I like it.
Hey, what should I say when James Lipton asks me this question:
"If there is a God, what do you want him to say when you get to heaven?"
How about, "Hi, Joey. I'm God. Can you teach me how to be awesome?"
That's not bad.
- Don't you get nervous in front of a group? - No.
For the first time, I have to give a closing argument and I'm freaking out.
Well, I'm an actor, and I actually have a proven cure for stage fright.
Although, it is somewhat sexual in nature.
- What is it? - Having sex.
- Joey... - I've helped...
...a number of actresses get over their stage fright.
A night with me has also been known to cure a fear of flying...
...and in one instance, appendicitis.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but I told you, I need more time.
I'm not ready to be more than friends right now.
Bitches, huh?
Hey, just a second, I'm on the phone, I just gotta...
She'll call you back.
What's up with us?
- What? - I like you.
- Do you like me? - Well, yeah...
Then why are we doing this?
Well, as I've told you, I've been through a lot in this last year.
The women on my online divorce message board...
Too many words.
- What? - Nothing that means anything...
...takes that many words to say. Try it again.
Okay.
I've had a lot of complicated feelings to process...
And my emotions... What are you doing?
Because of the passage of time, I now have a long beard...
...that I'm stroking sarcastically.
You don't have the best track record. What if it didn't work...
...and we end up hating each other? - But we wanna be together.
It'd be crazy if we didn't at least try.
Now, come on, just go on one date with me.
I'll take you to Inside the Actors Studio. After that, we'll go out...
...and I'll show you how great you and me could be.
- Okay. But I just think... - No, don't think.
Just do it.
All right.
That's actually a pretty catchy slogan, huh? "Don't think. "
Sit down.
All right, I got something I wanna talk about.
You know how much I love your sister, your mother.
I mean, I love her so much...
...I wanna chop her head off and jump off a cliff with it.
So what I'm saying is, I've decided to ask her to marry me.
Wait, you know how much I hate this.
I'm gonna give you guys exactly five seconds to be emotional.
- Oh, my God! - Yes! I can't believe...
You're not a bastard child anymore!
Enough!
So do you have a ring?
Well, there's a ring in my family, but my mom won't die.
So I might have to buy the thing on my own.
I'm having a little trouble scraping together the money.
You could sign up for these clinical trials my friend at school runs.
Just trying new medications for heartburn and allergies and stuff.
- You can make good money. - Sign me up.
I'll call her.
God, I've always dreamt about my parents getting married.
You know, I have my own ring bearer pillow, hint, hint.
Call your friend!
Jimmy Costa? Come on in.
Is this your partner for the drug trial?
Partner? No, I'm just his ride.
We're only accepting applications in pairs so you can check each other's reactions.
Really?
Is this gonna mess me up?
Is there anything I can't eat on this medication?
No, you should eat as you have been.
Wow, that seems really unsafe.
So we're testing a new antidepressant today...
...and we're offering $2000 for one week.
Now, if you'd like to participate, I need you to consent to a quick psychological test...
For 2 grand, you can drill a hole in my skull and touch my brain with your finger.
Do it.
Why don't we start with you.
This is a simple Rorschach test.
I'm gonna show you a series of inkblots and you tell me what they look like, okay?
Got it.
And don't censor yourself at all.
Whatever these shapes remind you of, that's what I wanna hear.
Oh, yeah. No filter.
Inkblot.
- Could you be more specific? - Right, sorry.
Black inkblot.
Stain. Blob. Blob making a stain on an inkblot.
Man, I have got some stuff going on up here.
The year was 1996.
Benjamin Netanyahu was elected prime minister of Israel.
Scientist Dr. Lan Wilmut successfully cloned a sheep named Dolly.
And American television viewers were paid a house call by Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Is the good doctor in? May we speak to him?
Hello.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Hello. That's it. That's how he talked.
Tell me something. When the cameras are on...
...at the moment of creation, what's going through your mind?
Nothing.
Because you're so in the moment. Could you do it now?
Think of nothing for us.
Students...
...nothing.
I also have another trick that I use.
Once I've drawn you in with my intensity, my eyes will never let you go.
Like Michael Caine, I never blink. Watch.
See that? I'm holding you. Feel it?
You feel the power.
Well, now it's time for the Pivot questionnaire.
What is your favorite word?
Fun-sational.
It means awesome.
Then this evening is fun-sational.
- What turns you on? - I'm turned on right now.
What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
"Welcome to heaven, here is your chocolate motorcycle. "
There's magic in you, Joey.
Now, let's take some questions.
Hi, Joey.
I guess my question for you is...
...when we went out, why didn't you ever call me back?
I've never seen this woman before in my life.
So why don't you go back to Pasadena, Jackie?
My question is kind of a follow-up to the last one.
What kind of a guy sleeps with a girl...
...and then sneaks out of her bathroom window?
Clearly, you have me confused with someone else...
...because that never happened.
I have a question. How many women here have you slept with?
Just those two, I think.
Hands are raised. I count 14.
You're three ahead of Gene Wilder and 150 behind Johnny Depp.
So he just lied to you and then he never called you again?
Oh, yeah, that's Joey.
He makes you feel like you're special, then he's on to the next girl.
And is that what happened with all of you?
No, no... No questions between each other. Lipton, stop them. Somebody do something.
Can you explain how you managed...
...to overcome your handicap of being so handsome?
Not now, Howard.
- Alex is pretty upset about last night, huh? - It was awful.
I can't believe how many angry women were there that I slept with.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Did you take your pill today? - Yeah. You?
Yeah, I feel like they're really working on me, you know.
I feel so relaxed and contented, a great cloud has lifted.
How you doing, buddy?
- These pills been ruining your sex drive? - That's a side effect?
Yeah, Gina and I haven't done it since I started taking the stuff.
But I can't tell her because I want the ring to be a surprise.
Oh, is this where you're meeting your whore? At my brother's house?
- I told you, there's nobody else. - Then why won't you sleep with me?
I have tried everything that turns him on. I have slapped him, I have insulted him.
Watch this. Die! Die!
Gina, when you choke me it hurts my feelings.
I give up. That's about as sexy as I get.
So this sex-drive thing hasn't affected you at all?
Come on, Jimmy.
They don't make a drug strong enough to kill my sex drive.
If you'll excuse me...
...this month's Playboy has an interesting q and a with Alan Greenspan.
Oh, my God!
I can't picture boobs! What do boobs look like?
- He can't be having side effects. - What do you mean?
My friend put him in the placebo group.
Like, this is all just the power of suggestion.
- Hey, Joe. - What?
- Says "side effects include dry mouth. " - I know!
- My mouth... It's like a desert. - Yeah?
- Oh, and "dizziness. " - Oh, my God, the spinning.
Alex, I know you're in there. Stop ignoring me.
Okay, fine.
I am going on a hunger strike until you come out and talk to me.
Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.
- Joey, can we not do this right now? - No, we need to talk about last night.
Last night, you told me I was gonna see what it was like to be with you.
Those girls showed me. I don't wanna end up like them.
- But you're different. - That's what you said to Christine.
You're confused, none of those girls were named Christine.
Two of them were named Christine.
Wait, wait, wait, look, I admit, okay, with those girls...
...I might've been a tad mendacious.
Learned it from Lipton.
I know it means something bad because the next word he used was "ass-face. "
But, Alex, you can't compare yourself to those girls.
You and I were friends first. I really care about you.
That is exactly why it would hurt so much if it didn't work out.
Look, I'm the only one taking a risk here.
You must've hurt hundreds of women. I've hurt zero men.
I just... I don't like my odds.
- Joey, you need to talk to your friend. - Why, what's going on?
After three days, I finally get him into bed and he spends the whole time holding me.
What the hell is that?
This isn't worth it.
You gotta tell her what you're doing or get money some other way.
I'm not sure I want the money anymore. I'm having second thoughts.
What? Why?
A few days without sex, it's like Gina and I got nothing in common.
We don't have enough to build a lifelong relationship.
Oh, Jimmy, what are you talking about?
What if the spark goes away for real?
You know, what if she loses interest in sex?
What if I'm on the high seas and a swordfish gores my testicles...
...rendering me impotent?
Jimmy, we're all afraid of that.
There's Alex. I gotta go talk to her, okay?
Hey. Okay, look, I understand your concerns about my past.
So I have decided to change.
Right, as a first step, I threw my little black book in the dumpster.
- Really? - Yeah.
Some homeless guy has no idea he's about to get Tara Reid's phone number.
But you can't just erase your past just because you threw away some book.
Then tell me. What do you want me to do?
I don't think there's anything you can do.
I mean, if we dated, everywhere we'd go, we'd run into some random woman...
...that you'd slept with. I'm sorry, Joey, but I deserve better than that.
Hey, Alex, I had a great time the other night.
Oh, yeah... Hey, Barry.
- What was the other night? - It was nothing.
Oh, good, as long as it was nothing. Barry? Hey, Bar!
- Do I know you? - No, no, no.
Alex was just telling me about your hot date the other night.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
- How do you guys know each other? - It's a funny story, she's a friend...
...and she dated this guy in the building I'm about to punch in the face.
- What? - Meathead, you're the guy. Get out of here!
You're seeing someone else? I don't understand.
I wanna be with you, but you ask me to wait.
So I try to be a good guy and give you your space...
...and that's what you do?
- I wasn't... - No, Alex.
You're worried about women from my past? But you're dating someone right now?
The mendacity.
Yeah.
Man, am I glad that test is over. Those things were killing me.
Hey, did you know, Michael told me that I was in the placebo group?
He said that all my side effects were just the power of suggestion.
But I don't think that can explain it.
- I think it can. - Yeah, you're right.
Here comes Gina. Do you know what you're gonna do?
No, man. I still don't know if we're meant to be together.
Hey, they had a cancellation at the shooting range.
You wanna come with me, or are you still on your period?
- You wanna do that with me? - Yeah.
You haven't been yourself lately. And I know I haven't been understanding.
I thought you'd like to fire a weapon at something.
That's exactly what I want.
I'll go grab my gun.
It's in a brown paper bag behind Michael's dresser.
- You told me that was a bag of broccoli. - Because I didn't want you playing with it.
Did you see that? That was freaking beautiful.
You know, I don't know why I ever doubted her.
Well, looks like I'm going back to the jewelry store.
What do you mean back?
I might've done something I regret while under the influence of antidepressants.
Hey, guys.
- What is that around your neck? - Oh, this? It's a pendant.
It was a gift from Jimmy.
It says, "My Daddy Loves Me. " And I love him too. Come here.
Gina, what's the holdup on the gun?
- Hey. - Hey.
Look, I really need to talk to you about this Barry thing.
Great, let's talk. He seems like a great guy.
Look, he asked me out. And you know, this thing with you is so complicated.
I thought I could use some distraction from all this emotionally...
Stop stroking your fake beard.
What I'm saying is we just went to dinner, nothing happened.
But if I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Well, you did.
It's funny. You were the one who said we shouldn't be together...
...because you were worried about getting hurt, and I didn't get it.
But I get it now.
And you're right. It'd be crazy for us to get together.
- Yeah, so we shouldn't do it. - No, we shouldn't.
But I wanna do it anyway.
What?
It's a risk...
...but you're worth it.
Joey, I wanna be with you too...
...but when I was in that audience and all those girls started...
Okay, yeah, yeah. Here, here.
Yeah. I have been with a lot of women.
- I mean, a lot. - Okay.
"A lot" a lot.
If you're waiting for a high-five, it's not coming.
Wow, that's cold.
The point is...
...because of them, I know what I want.
And it's not them...
...it's you.
And, yeah, maybe it would be stupid for us to get together...
...but, Alex, we'd both be taking a chance here.
Let's... Let's do it together.
Do something stupid with me.
I guess if I'm gonna do something stupid, you're the guy to do it with.
I'm the best.
Okay, well, this is great.
Would you like to go out on our first date?
Yeah. Oh, wait. I have to get up really early for that closing argument tomorrow...
...and I'm freaking out. - Oh, right.
Hey, didn't you mention something about a proven cure for stage fright?
I believe I did.
Come on.
- Hey, wait, don't you have hay fever? - Yeah.
- Well, this will take care of that too. - Okay.
Hello?
Tara Reid?
My name's Howard Peckerman.
You don't know me...
...but how'd you like to meet me at Houston's for a mojito?
Great, I'll see you there. Yeah!