Nope, nope, nope.
Wipe left.
It's "swipe," Mom.
Oh, this is so much fun.
I love judging people.
Why is it so hard to find someone?
Lucy's getting marred this weekend,
and she's only been dating this person
for like three months according to her e-mails,
which I still, on occasion, read.
I mean, change your password, freak.
Wait, now, which one was Lucy, again?
She's, like, the only serious girlfriend I've ever had.
We all went on several vacations together.
The one who got lost at Epcot Center.
Ehhh, I don't think so.
Hey! Look who aced another math test!
- Oh! - Asher did!
Nice job, bud!
- Thanks. - Yeah, and guess what.
Miss Crowe says he might qualify for the gifted program.
- Gifted? Really? Asher? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. - Mm.
He's got to take an entrance exam,
but she thinks he has a real shot at it.
Wow, that's exciting!
But let's not put any pressure on him.
Whatever happens, I'm proud of him.
Yeah. Well, I'm not surprised, you know.
I was in the gifted program.
Oh...
Wait, you're serious?
Absolutely.
He was in the newspaper.
We were very close friends with the editor.
Not that close. We had to take out an ad.
But he was definitely gifted.
Everyone was talking about it.
Like, gifted gifted?
Yeah. Why are you having such a hard time with this?
No...
I'm not.
It's just sometimes you forget how to spell my name,
and I'm your wife.
Rebecca, it's confusing.
Is it one "B" and two "C"s?
Is it two "C"s and one "B"? I mean...
- It's two "B"s and two "C"s. - It's one "B", one "K", right?
A "K" with an "H" at the end.
Look, it's not a big deal.
I was gifted in elementary school,
and then I went to regular classes after that.
- I haven't thought about it since. - Okay.
So you were gifted,
and then you stopped being gifted?
Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
Look, you know, people that are gifted have more stuff
to think about than how to spell their wives' names
or whether being gifted can come or go.
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --
Ah, okay!
I got puzzles, flash cards, worksheets,
everything we need to prep Asher for the test!
That's cute. You're cute.
But gifted is not something that you can teach.
You either have it or you don't.
That's why they call it a gift.
Yeah, um, I've been reading up on this gifted thing.
Did you know that 75 percent of Secretaries of State
were in the gifted program?
Yeah. One was in my class.
He stayed gifted.
So why not do everything we can
to help Asher get in?
Rebecca, he's gonna get in.
He's a genius. Watch this.
Hey, Ash!
- Yeah? - What up, mini-me?
Hey, Ash, what's 62 times 23?
424.
- What? - Oh! And he got it right
- without even thinking about it! - Great job!
Wait. Is that even right?
It has to be. He's gifted.
Ooh, are those games?
- Mm. - Yeah. This is a super fun game
called "Flash Cards."
You want to play?
Yeah. I love the Flash.
- Okay. - All right. Different things, but okay.
So, all you have to do is tell us which shape
completes the pattern.
Square.
No, but good try.
Circle.
No. So close.
- Purple? - No.
That's a hard one.
Yeah, no, it's not.
He's got three wrong in a row.
Three comes after four.
- Hey! And we're back! - That's wrong.
Damn it!
Wow.
Our first time getting in a car together.
This is so fun.
Yeah, uh, this was great, um, but I'm gonna call it a night.
Um, I'm really tired.
Oh, I thought you said you were wired
from the green-tea matcha-tinis.
You know, um, caffeine actually works the opposite for me.
Oh, yeah. Ecstasy's like that for me.
It makes me hate everyone.
- Anybody want a mint? - Dad?!
Oh! Hi, Buttercup.
Dad! What are you doing here?
So I guess you know my secret now, huh?
I didn't want anybody in the family to know.
So, I started driving in order to earn a little extra cash.
What do you need money for?
Have you not been following what's going on in our family?
We're broke.
You can just let me out here.
What? Uh, by the river?
Yep.
Amanda, I...
Dad! What the hell?!
You ruined my date!
I'm not sure it was going so great to begin with.
Are we almost at my house?
Listen, if you needed to get someplace fast,
you shouldn't have picked the carpool option.
When I was a kid and I was in the gifted program,
did I get a bunch of the practice questions wrong?
Because Asher didn't get a single one right.
Well, you know, I think that he's a genius,
but if you're worried about the gifted test,
you could always give Asher a little,
you know, extra push.
Why are you winking?
Well, look, we wanted to get you into the gifted program,
so I told them you were 4 when you were really 6.
Just a little white lie.
That is a giant, not-white lie.
What's the big deal, Dave?
We wanted to get you in, and it worked.
You were the smartest 4-year-old they ever met.
Because I was 6!
I was 6! I mean...
Was I even gifted? Did I not get into the program?
How did this work?
Well, you finished first grade,
then you went to gifted kindergarten.
Yeah, K-2. Wait.
Is that not a real thing?
And then you went to first grade again.
Yeah, I know, second first.
Oh, my God!
How did I not realize that was all fake?
Well, you were 6.
He was 8!
I'm not 39, I'm...
I'm 41?!
Only if you go by your actual birth date.
Yeah.
I was just starting to process that I'm gonna be 40.
Look, David,
that gifted school was the best education
you could have possibly asked for.
You got tons of attention.
All the kids looked up to you, literally.
And it built your confidence.
To this day, you walk in a room, you have an opinion.
My whole life is a lie.
I mean, is my name even Dave?
- Well... - What do you mean, "Well"?!
- All right, just relax.
So, actually, at the hospital...
You're gonna tell me a real story?! Oh, my God!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, I was very tired, and I wrote D-A-V
on your birth certificate form, and I fell asleep.
So cute!
Mwah!
And you two share this as a fond memory?!
I'm a 41-year-old named Dav!
This is really bad.
I mean, how am I gonna tell Rebecca
I'm two years older than she thinks that I am?
- Oh, come on. - Oh, listen, Dave.
When I married your father, I thought he was a Pisces.
- Same diff. - Yeah.
This is such a different diff!
Ah!
I thought Asher was gifted because I am,
and now I'm gonna have to take him to that test.
He's probably gonna fail. I should...
I should just tell Rebecca so she doesn't get her hopes up.
Oh, no, you don't have to tell Rebecca anything.
Asher already got those scores on his math test.
When his teacher flagged him,
she didn't know you were supposed to be gifted.
- Oh. - I guess you're right.
- Oh, come on. - Of course Daddy's right.
Asher's a gorgeous genius.
I made a robot!
And that's our next Secretary of State.
I can't believe we're here!
I've already met some of the other gifted parents.
This program sounds magical.
The kids tend a full edible garden,
and the parent/teacher meetings are held at a wine bar.
I think these are my people.
Rebecca, th-there's... there's something I need to tell you.
Oh, can it wait, Dave?
I'm pretty focused on Asher right now.
It's like what happens today will change
the whole course of his life and ours.
Oh, I haven't met you!
Hey...
Oh, man, I'm so excited.
Can you believe our kids might be gifted?
I can't. I really can't.
Oh, look at those little geniuses.
Dad, did you know an octopus has three hearts?
That is fascinating.
Dad, did you know that dogs have butts under their tails?
I believe I did, pal.
Thanks for bringing that to the table, though.
He's waiting with you while your other kid takes the test?
No, he's the gifted one.
Oh.
Okay, Asher, you got to eat your salmon
so you can go to an Ivy League school
just like 70 percent of the students who go here.
You know, I think I'm just gonna, uh, if you don't mind,
write down his actual age on this page because he's 4.
He's so tall for 4.
Yeah, his bones are gifted at growing.
I'm just saying, Nicole, if you take the first half of my name
plus the last half of your name,
it's like the perfect name for a baby...
Jocole. How cute is that?
I'll get out here.
Wha... Uh... Uh, by the lake?
I don't get it.
I'm such a good catch.
I mean, how is Lucy getting married before me?
Ah, so that's what this is about.
Maybe you're trying too hard. People can read that energy.
Okay, so, now my 60-year-old dad who's been married for forever
is gonna help me with my dating life?
Yeah. What do I know?
I've only been sexually active for 40-plus years!
Okay!
Look, we just have to remember
it's not a big deal if he doesn't get in.
I mean, part of me doesn't want him to get in
because what if the pressure is too much?
Yes, yes, let's just forget the whole thing.
Let's... Let's do something totally different.
Yeah.
It's them.
Hello?
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Asher got into the gifted program.
Our son's a genius!
Yay!
What a naturally smart 6-year-old!
- Mom. - Oh, hi, sweetie.
- You got to help me. - What?
I lied about Asher's age to get him into the program.
Oh, I figured. That poor boy.
All those brains went to his face.
How am I gonna tell Rebecca?
Listen, sweetie, your secret is safe with me.
And as for Asher, let him start the program.
Then you'll tell her.
This way, she's culpable.
Right. Right, that's so smart.
What? What?! What?! What am I doing?!
Listen, we share the same brain. Don't fight it.
- What do you think? - Oh!
"All children are a gift, but only some are gifted."
Oh.
Too much?
- No! - No, it's great.
Everything's... Everything's great.
Raising a gifted child is such a big responsibility.
Oh, tell me about it.
I mean, our kids are the ones who will cure cancer
- and save the world. - Right?
I feel bad for parents of "reg-os."
That's what we gifted mothers call non-gifted, regular kids.
- Buh-bye. - Buh-bye.
- Bye-bye.
How did you lie about this for all these years?
It was easy.
I mean, you were so confident at the school.
You were just thriving.
Mom, I'm not thriving.
When I lied about Asher's age,
I had to use my fingers to figure out what year to put.
Beauty,
you did what any decent parent would do.
But no parents do this except for me and you.
Well, that's because we're better than them.
We do whatever it takes for our kids,
like Felicity Huffman and that other actress
who's on that show.
They're my heroes.
They're not heroes, Mom. They're cheaters
who gave their already privileged kids an unfair advantage.
Did you not read any of the articles?
Well, I started to, but then I got a text from the pharmacy,
and, you know, when my prescription's ready,
honey, I go.
Why would I ever take advice from you?
Because I'm your mother, and I care about you,
and I know what's best.
Trust me, you're not hurting anyone.
Everything's gonna be great... God willing.
Hey, driver. Time to go cruisin' for Susans.
Uh...
Actually, I'm thinking tonight should be an off night.
Well, what do you mean?
You know, you've been out every night,
and it's not going so great.
What are you talking about, it's not going great?
I've dropped two women off by bodies of water.
Who cares?
You roll through stop signs,
and your mints are stale.
No, actually, those are TUMS, but I was just trying to help.
Well, you didn't, okay?
You're fired as my driver.
The FBI today arrested dozens of parents,
including several notable Hollywood celebrities
and one 41-year-old
Connecticut contractor, David Klein,
for lying about their kids' ages
to get them into the gifted program.
- What did you do? - I'm sorry.
- What did you do?! - I'm so sorry.
I hate you, Mom and Dav!
And this just in... police have apprehended
the ringleader of the operation.
Debbie Kind-Klein is being charged with fraud, larceny,
and ruining her son's life.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, Stewie!
Stewie! I just had the worst nightmare!
We were all arrested for lying to get our babies
into the gifted program!
- Stewie! - Okay, honey, sounds so fun.
Oh.
Oh, I'm gonna have to make this right with David.
Hi, Davey. How are you?
- Everything okay? - No.
Everything is not okay.
Well, you know, I was thinking
maybe it's not such a good idea to cheat
to get Asher into the program, you know what I mean?
I mean, maybe it won't help him so much,
and it could ruin all our lives.
I'm sorry, what was that, Mom?
I had this horrible nightmare
that we were all hauled off to jail,
and I was wearing this delightfully gorgeous gown.
I don't even think I own it!
So what am I supposed to do?
Tell Rebecca now, I guess, right?
No, don't tell Rebecca,
because she's gonna blame me
and think that it was my idea.
It was your idea.
I feel terrible that I'm coming between you guys.
I wish you were a real gifted instead of a fake gifted.
Then maybe you could come up with a way out of this mess.
Hey, guys?
- What do we do?! - Um, just act natural.
What are you doing? What is this?
What's more natural than a mother's love?
I was just doing the same thing with Asher.
Aww!
There's something about hugging your gifted child, you know?
- Mm! - All that brain energy
just radiates heat into the cheeks.
Guys, I owe you an apology.
- No, don't do that. - Oh, no. No, no, it's okay.
When you first told me about Dave being gifted,
I doubted you guys because of, you know, how Dave is with life.
Aaaah!
Thank you for that.
I lied about Asher's age to get him into the program.
What?!
I said he was 4 instead of 6,
and my mom did the same thing to me,
- and... - It's true.
It's true. He's nothing more than a ragu named Dav.
Joanna, you fired me.
I'm not coming to get you.
I'm done.
Why does nobody like me?
What?
I just had another girl leave me at a bar.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Can you meet me?
Oh, baby, Daddy's coming to get you.
Hey, I'm gonna miss my flight.
I'll drop you off at this pond.
Okay, so, look.
Before I met your mother,
I was in a long-time relationship
that ended terribly, and all of a sudden,
I was moving in with some girl.
Oh, Stewie got around.
Ew, gross.
After we broke up, everything got so bad
that I-I-I realized I-I needed some Stew time.
So I got a one-bedroom apartment,
sold some watches in the city, and got to know Stew.
Six months later, I-I met your mother, and she was ready.
So was I.
So you're saying I need to take a break?
If you can't love yourself,
how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
Did you just quote RuPaul?
Yes.
- I love RuPaul. - Mm-hmm.
Hey.
So, I just broke the news to Asher
that he didn't get into the gifted program,
and he looked up at me and said,
"What's the gifted program?"
So I think we're okay.
I just don't get it.
He got a perfect score on all those math tests.
Yeah, about that... he also told me
he was copying off the girl next to him.
Oh. So Asher cheated?
Well, that makes way more sense now.
Apple. Tree.
I'm sorry that I-I lied and...
I just wanted to do what was best for Asher,
you know, and as we all know now,
I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
Well, you're not not as smart as you thought you were.
- So you're not mad at me? - No, I am.
But I'm just as mad at myself.
I'm partially to blame here, too.
Okay, let's follow that thread.
I lost sight of what was important.
I mean, look at this t-shirt.
"Sorry you got a reg-o"?
Who am I?
You're a reg-o, just like me.
We're the reg-os.
Thanks for getting dinner, Dad.
Oh, it's the least I could do to chip in every once in awhile.
Also, there's a gift for you in the car.
- Cool. - Mm.
It's three phone chargers and a stranger's hat.
I mean, I'm never gonna put that on my head, but thanks.
You see?
- This is who we are. - Mm.
Gifted, not gifted... who cares?
You're right. Who cares if Asher isn't gifted?
I mean, that's not what's important.
What's important is being a kind person
and having a lot of empathy, and Asher has all of that.
- Mm-hmm. - Our family?
We're all good people, and everybody loves us.
That's what you took from all of this, Mom?
Yeah.
Who's better than us?
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --