_
♪
[Distorted shouting]
[Distorted laughter]
[Distorted] Hashtag So Funny!
[Distorted grunting]
I told you, man. They're killers.
They're stone-cold killers.
[Distorted laughter]
[Gasps]
What the...?
[Dryer blowing]
♪
Look at that. VHS tapes and fur coats. Welcome to Russia.
30 years behind...
_
God. Small feet. _
Lucky I'm a knot guy. Ah, come on! _
Oh, man. It's so far.
[Grunts] Aw, damn it!
[Argument in Russian continues faintly]
[Man speaking Russian on television]
[Woman speaking Russian on television]
[Muffled] Help me! Help! Help!
[Muffled] Stop eating soup!
- [Rock music plays] - [Muffled] Guys, help!
[Woman speaking Russian on television]
[Muffled shouting] Stop eating!
[Rock music plays]
_
Help! Help me!
[Whimpering] How did I get here?
[Man singing in Russian]
[Buzzing]
_
Gene: All right, party animals. Who wants to get laid?
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Sharpen your pencils, boys.
Good to see ya. Excuse me.
_
What? No, no, no. I'm not part of this tour, guys.
I'm... I got to get downtown to the embassy.
You need to go inside.
You don't get free trip to Russia
without leaving with nice bony betty, okay?
Okay. _
["Kickstart My Heart" plays]
♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah ♪
♪
Welcome, welcome... American macho men.
Pick a seat, pick a girl, and let the fast romance begin.
Holy shit. This is so sad.
Yes, it is.
Gene: Remember, boys, watch your drinks.
Otherwise you'll wind up in a bathtub
having your organs harvested.
Gentlemen?
[Indistinct conversations]
Okay. I'm going. God.
♪
So, uh, listen. I gotta be honest.
I just need to get to the American embassy.
I'm looking for an old, wealthy man with bad heart.
- Are you any of those things? - No.
No, I'm none of those things.
Did you know that I am number one in all of selfie class?
I'm not really here to flirt.
[Giggles] #MeToo.
You don't look like a guy who consume a bag of dicks.
No, the expression is "eat a bag of dicks."
Hey, pay attention to your own girl, okay?
- What is favorite food? - I don't know. Pizza.
Pizza?! Yes! #MeToo!
Why you here? Micropenis?
- No. - Soft penis?
No. Sometimes. But most of the time...
What do you want to call your first child?
I already have. Her name's Del...
Delicious! Yes! #MeToo! Delicious is great name.
- Tuna-can penis. - What?
Penis with a hole halfway down shaft.
No, that's not a thing.
- Penis with a tooth on it. - Is that a Chernobyl thing?
Nyext!
♪ Do you say annex, I say yes ♪
Still here.
Douche.
Ugh.
How long does thing go on for?
Yes, this is not what I had hoped for, either.
All the sad people...
dancing around lies, afraid of truth.
[Laughs] I like your shoes.
- Hm. - And your hat!
Are you actually from Syracuse?
Yeah, born and raised.
[Gasps] I've always wanted to go there.
Really? Why?
Sometimes love need no explanation.
♪
Mm. Whoa. These beets are good.
- They go well with vodka. - Oh, wow.
That would help me get through this event for sure.
And there it is.
- [Chuckles] - [Chuckles] Whoo!
Last time I drank vodka with a beautiful Russian woman,
I almost died. Oh, my God.
You find me beautiful?
That is a very Russian takeaway from what I just said.
I was just thinking...
why did I come to this pathetic event?
And then you show up. I think you are the best-looking man.
- Well, thank you. - In the room.
- I'll still take it. - Na zdorov'e.
- Sure. - [Chuckles]
Za zdorov'e!
[Laughs]
[Slurring] Oh, there's a lot of vodka in this alcohol.
But I'll have one more. Then I gotta hit the road.
I show Russian-style. Okay, give me your hand.
- Russian. Uh-huh? - Okay. One, two, three, go!
- Mmm! - Mmm!
- Ahh! - This is awkward.
- [As Borat] But I like! - You like?
[Normal voice] Yeah. You know that?
Oh, I don't mean to get serious, but do you like hockey?
- There's no other sport. - Are you a Sabres fan?
♪ Let's go, Buffalo! ♪
And you even know the song!
Oh, my God! Drew Stafford was my first crush!
- What?! He was mine! - No.
[Laughing]
I mean, in a man-crush kind of way, but holy...
It's like I'm staring at my new best friend!
Friends with benefits?
There's always benefits to having more friends.
[Giggles]
Okay, enough talking.
Now we see who is dance-compatible.
- Let's go dance. - I'm not...
Let's go dance.
I'm not... I don't know what you're saying.
- Whoo! - All right. All right.
- One dance, and then I gotta go. - Whoo!
I need to go somewhere.
- Whoo! - Whoa. Yeah.
♪ It's such a good vibration ♪
I like this song!
I like the Funky Bunch version better!
[Laughs]
I'm not a Marky Mark fan.
- Whoo! - See ya.
- Whoo! - ♪ When you hold me closer ♪
Huh? I'm coming to you. Who's coming to you?
Come to me! Come to me! Whoo! Yes!
Whoo!
[Giggling]
Whoo! Yes!
[Shouting and laughter echoing]
♪
Ohh. Oh.
Oh, God.
- [Music stops] - Ohh.
Ohh... [Laughter]
I need to find my family.
My family's... Ohh.
Gene: I told you, man!
They're killers! They're stone-cold killers!
[Sheep bleating]
♪
[Breathing heavily]
[Man and woman shouting in Russian]
_
Oh, no, no, no! He escaped! Find him!
_
[Gasps] _
[Object clatters]
_ _
♪
You are the man Natalia's looking for?
If that's the chick trying to harvest my organs,
then, yeah, I'm the guy.
Ah, shit.
[Chuckles]
Aah!
Why does...
Buddy, is there a way off this roof?
Yes. That way.
- What do you mean? Jump? - Yes.
[Stammers]
What?! That...
No! That's like 60 feet!
No. Like 6 feet. You can make it.
I can't make that.
You are parkour?
How do you know my last name?
- Parkour. - Yeah. Nate "Park-our." Yes.
- How do you know that? - Parkour can make.
Parkours can do a lot of things, okay,
but that I cannot make.
- You can make it. - I can't!
[Pounding on door]
Okay. Maybe I can, right?
'Cause I'm jumping at a downward angle.
- That's Pythagorean theorem, right? - Sure.
Sum of the two sides of an isosceles triangle,
divided by the square root of the other two sides
is the momentum that... That's the math.
_
I would jump. She will try to kill you.
Is that what she said?
_
You better go. She said she will throw you off the building.
Oh, no! Why would she do that?
Much easier to harvest organs from a dead man.
Why would she want these fatty organs?
They don't even work half the time!
Oh. Okay. All right. [Hands clap]
Okay, okay.
- All right. Ahh. - What is this?
It's called stretching, all right?
Americans warm up before strenuous activity.
- Just go! - I'm going! Cool it!
♪
Ahh.
[Pounding continues]
♪
Go.
♪
Whew.
I... I can't. I can't. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
Okay. Once you use your Euclidean geometry,
you'll make it.
You're right. I can do this.
All right. Whoo! All right.
♪
All right.
That's what I always tell my kids.
Parkours can do anything they set their mind to.
- Sure. - All right.
This is just like the Presidential Fitness Challenge
in middle school, okay?
Only this time, I'm not winning the silver.
I'm going for gold.
Showtime! Ahh, America!
[Grunts]
_
Aaaaaah!
[Coughing]
Aaaah!
[Breathing heavily]
I never thought I'd be a vodka fan, yet here I am.
Aw, shit.
♪
Got a lot of history here.
♪
Police! Hey! Police! Police.
There's people chasing me, okay?
I need to get to the American Embassy.
_
I'm an American. America. Apple pie? Come on. America.
Of course. You're 30 years behind the times.
Fonzie.
"Ay-ee! Mrs. C! Mrs..."
Avoid the Noid?
Big bucks, no whammies?
M-M-M-Max, Max.
Max. Max... _
H-H-H-Headroom
- Stop! - Stop. Hammertime. Hunh!
Yeah, you know that. Hammer? Come on. You know Hammer.
Hunh-oh! Huh-oh, huh-oh.
Huh-oh, huh-oh. Come on. Hammertime. Stop.
[Indistinct shouting]
See, I told you!
♪
Buddy, buddy. What are you doing?
That's not what that's for.
God, no wonder you lost the Cold War.
♪
[Grunts]
♪
Hey. Does anyone know where the American Embas...
What the hell is that?
Does anyone... You guys speak English?
♪
[Baby wailing]
Hey! Is this... Is this your baby?
- Da. - You just leave it hanging there?
Da.
[Baby wailing]
What is... Russia!
[Baby wailing]
♪
Jesus Christ! Guys!
Shit.
Jesus Christ!
What is wrong with Russia?!
God!
♪
Ahh. Damn it!
Whoa. You guys being chased, too?
Is that the only way out of this gulag?
Guys! Hook a brother up!
Ah. Damn it.
Come on! Get it! Aw, shit!
[Grunts]
Third time's the charm!
Aw, shit. Ah.
That's a better way.
Nate Parkour!
[Metal pipe rolling]
Ah, ha, ha!
♪
I'm not being chased.
Nobody's chasing me. [Chuckles]
It's classic Nate Parker overreaction right there.
Sort of the bane of my existence, man.
Jesus Christ. What am I thinkin'? Ahh.
In my defense, everyone in this country looks a little suspicious,
but it's only 'cause you never smile.
I mean, do you ever smile?
_
See, that's very unnerving, you know?
But Russians are a-okay with me, man.
[Grunting] No! No! Ah!
Ooh.
[Cow moos]
Come out!
Nate: All right, okay. Okay, guys. Cool it.
Be cool. Be cool.
- I've done nothing wrong, okay? - Shut up!
I'm an American citizen. Half Canadian.
Aah! [Giggling]
Mwah!
Oh, I'm so happy to see you again.
I thought you were dead when you fell through the roof or worse.
But, uh, you ran away from me.
No, why would I do that?
[Giggles]
[Speaks Russian]
_
- [Giggles] - Yeah.
Hm. Hm. Hm.
Mwah!
_
All right. You can't hurt me, Nutcracker,
'cause I'm with her.
You will marry my daughter, yes?
Oh, shit. That's your daughter?
Oh, no. No. I-I actually can't.
- Ah, you are a gay, huh? - What? No. I'm not gay.
- Then you may. - No, no, no, I-I can't.
- Then you are a gay. - Why are those the only two choices?
Then... you... will.
- Not. - Yes.
You... will.
_
You will.
Still not gonna do it. [Scoffs]
♪
_
♪
_
[Sobbing]
_
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com