♪ Whoo! ♪
Come on, baby.
- Miss. Drink. - Damn it!
Can't believe I start GED class on Monday.
Got to go buy my books today.
You finally signed up? When?
Two weeks ago.
You came with me.
You all did.
No one remembers?
- God, you guys suck. - KAITLIN: Shut up, Shelby.
I'm trying to focus. No one cares
about your lame-ass GED, you should know that by now.
You won't think it's lame when I'm, like,
a successful businesswoman or something.
- Miss. Drink! - No, Shelby was talking bullshit.
My nails are busted. I need to go to the nail salon,
- like, yesterday. - Oh, isn't your nail place in the mall?
I'll take you. I got to go to the bookstore
- and buy my GED books. - All right, we can go to the mall,
but you're dreaming if you think I'm going to some lame-ass bookstore.
- Checks are here. - Finally.
ERICA: Tight.
How are my beautiful girls doing? Oh!
- (CHUCKLES) - Shelby,
when are you gonna marry me, huh?
As soon as you leave your wife, Frank.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oops.
(GIGGLES)
Mm-hmm.
Oh, give me a twirl, little mermaid.
Mmm, yeah-yeah-yeah, nice.
Mm-hmm.
- And Kaitlin... - Just give me my damn check, Frank.
Okay.
All right, let's go to the mall.
- Yeah. - Ooh, I need to get cash first.
(CHOKING)
All right, let's get out of here.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
(CHUCKLES)
- Nope. - What?
Granddaddy, that's gold-plated.
"For My Big Booty Queen.
Love, King Big Dick."
Where the hell am I gonna find another King Big Dick?
Can I borrow some money?
I already pawned everything else Harold gave me.
Seriously? Dude, get a job.
Ooh! That white girl speaks the truth.
Oh, I'm actually half black, (CHUCKLES) but thank you.
Just spot me till I find a new man.
Dude, I can't. I told you.
I got to buy schoolbooks.
Shelby, just like those schoolbooks
are an investment in your future,
so are these nails in mine.
First I get my nails fixed, then
I show 'em off to that cashier at Juicys,
the one that got a crush on me,
so he'll let me get a banging new outfit for free.
Then I take that outfit
and these nails to the Cheesecake Factory in Tampa...
You know the one that all the fine pro athletes
like to hang out after the games and eat Chicken Bellagio.
Then, obviously, one of them will want to wife me
and shower me with money and luxuries,
and then I can pay you back with interest.
Ain't no pro athlete gonna wife your ass.
Jay, even if I wanted to, I can't. I have to buy books.
Well, if you have any money left over afterwards, can I have it?
Sure.
- Ooh, my girl! (LAUGHS) - All right,
let's go fuck up this mall.
- Yeah. - (WHOOPS)
Thanks for nothing.
♪ I like ridin' in cars with boys, come through ♪
♪ We makin' all the noise ♪
♪ Cool kids bringin' out ♪
♪ All the toys, get it how you live it ♪
♪ You ain't got a choice, okay ♪
♪ Roll somethin', pass, pass, puffin' ♪
♪ High as a kite, but your bitch ass bluffin' ♪
♪ Cards on the table, it's all or nothin' ♪
♪ I'm a legend, not a fable ♪
♪ You ain't seen nothin' ♪
♪ Hot-boxin' on a Sunday ♪
♪ Out all night, callin' in on a Monday ♪
♪ Ching, ching, ching 'cause I'm still making money ♪
♪ Bling, bling, bling on my wrist ♪
♪ See it, honey? ♪
Ugh. I can't believe we're in a bookstore.
(SCOFFS) Look at this dweeb.
(LAUGHS)
You klepto, why are you stealing a Hardy Boys book?
You don't know how to read.
You barely even passed the fourth grade.
- I do, too, know how to read. - Yeah?
Why don't you read me the title?
I fully would, but there's a sticker covering it.
That's what I thought.
Shelby, hurry up, I hate it here!
Let's see, we got Math One
- and Math Two. - Oh, hold on.
Maybe you should read Math One first.
Make sure you like it before you get the sequel.
Relax, I'll have enough money left over to pay for your nails.
Look at you, already doing that fast math.
Maybe you don't need any of these books.
Oh, ex-excuse me, I'm so sorry.
No problem. (SCOFFS)
Wow, this place is amazing.
Bookstore people are wonderful.
Everyone's reading and apologizing,
and look at all these books.
I never knew there was so much knowledge to soak up, you know?
How to Be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
Wow.
Is that on the list? Let's stick to the list.
Whoa.
This is exactly what I want to be.
_
I'm buying this book.
This is a nightmare!
JAYLA: You screwed me, Shelby!
Now I can only afford to get 'em shaped and painted.
They won't even push back my cuticles.
Man, page two's even better than page one.
I love being able to read.
(GASPS)
Did y'all know that in our society we raise men
to work hard and earn money,
but we raise women to just be beautiful objects?
- So? - So...
I want to be treated like a person, not an object.
Eh, if a man treats me like an object,
- I'll kick him in the dick. - (BOTH LAUGH)
This book is blowing my mind.
"Since women believe they are objects,
they think their only value is pleasing a man."
Would a man prefer Pussy Pink or Whore Orange?
- BOTH: Whore Orange. - Yeah.
Jayla, do you think your only value is pleasing a man?
Hell no! I got lots of other values.
I got banging abs, perfect skin,
and I got the biggest booty in this place.
This book says that, in order for a woman
to be her most successful self,
she needs to discover her value beyond pleasing a man.
- So? - So...
I don't think it's good for me
to keep lending you money
so you can hop from man to man.
This book is killing me.
I'm sorry Jay, but
I seriously think you need to get a job.
What I need is to get in that damn nail chair.
This is gonna be so good for you.
(SIGHS) Man, this book is amazing.
Shotgunderson!
Aw, dang, I was really getting into that reading I was doing.
I couldn't help overhearing,
and if you need a job, we're hiring.
What? I don't want to work in this dump.
Sitting on some tiny-ass stool, touching stank-ass feet.
Uh-uh.
Hell no, I would rather die.
♪ From the front to the back, this the jump-off ♪
♪ Cut off on the mic, then I'm back to set my... ♪
Man, this Hardy Boys book sure has a lot of twists and turns.
You can't read!
I bet you can't tell me one twist or turn.
I fully would, but I don't want to ruin it for you.
Man, I can't believe I got to look for a job.
What kind of rich dude's gonna want to marry me
if I'm working at some wack-ass job?
It doesn't have to be wack.
Yo, you could work here.
(GASPS) That's a great idea!
Working women empowering each other.
No offense, y'all, but this place is horrible.
Y'all got shameful jobs,
and I think less of you for having them.
- Again, no offense. - What?!
Dude, Barnacles rules.
And you always hang out here anyway.
You'd just be getting paid for it.
And don't forget, it'll be super empowering
to stand on your own two feet.
Stop making it sound lame, Shelby.
It'll be so fun.
We drink free booze all day
and occasionally give one of these losers a refill.
Like, we basically do whatever we want.
Fine. I'll work at this awful place,
but I'm gonna complain the whole time.
Jayla, I'd like the honor of giving you your very first tip.
Ew, come on, Rick, stop, go away.
Jesus, Rick.
What? I'm joking.
Geez Louise, lighten up.
Is he not gonna give me a real tip?
Definitely not.
♪ I want it all or nothing ♪
♪ From nothing to something... ♪
And if you don't hit any part of him, you have to drink.
- Damn. - Miss. Drink.
- You get it? - Of course I get it.
It's a one-rule game.
Well, that wraps up your training.
Other than that, we basically just do whatever we want.
Like, I technically just got paid to do that.
(SHELBY GASPS)
Only five percent of CEOs are women.
(SCOFFS)
It says, "Women rarely ask for promotions
'cause they don't understand their value." (SCOFFS)
Come on, women. Get it together.
Well, it's been 24 hours, and I know my value
is at an all-time low.
Look how slow this dump is.
How am I supposed to make any tips?
It sounds like you're "whining" instead of "winning."
An empowered woman tackles her problems head-on.
If you want tips, go get 'em.
(GROANS)
(SQUEALS)
Hey, cutie.
Could I refill that beer for you?
Uh... Yeah, okay. Sure.
That'll be two dollars.
Okay, well, here's four dollars.
Keep the change, sweetheart.
Oh! Two-dollar tip!
Oh, I'm about to rake it up.
Who else is thirsty?
♪♪
♪ We're gonna set it off, get the place poppin' off, yeah ♪
♪♪
♪ We're gonna set it off, get the place poppin' off, yeah ♪
♪♪
♪ We gon' get it turnt, we gon', we gon' get it turnt up ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
45, 46, 47, 48, bam!
48? Now that is finding your value, girl.
- (LAUGHTER) - Dope. We made bank tonight.
- We? - We pool our tips here.
What's yours is mine, and the other way and stuff.
Yeah. Great job tonight, y'all. Especially you, Jay.
So baller, Jay.
And you.
The fuck?!
♪ I don't even care ♪
♪ I don't give a damn ♪
♪ I don't even care ♪
It's about damn time! Y'all are late.
What? We're not late.
I mean, we're an hour late, but that's pretty good for us.
That's really good for us.
Y'all want to go get Taco Bell breakfast?
- Yep. - Uh-uh. Hold up!
This shit ends now!
If I got to pool tips with you lazy bitches,
y'all got to work. I can't be the only one hustling.
Wow, you're really, uh, finding your power.
And put that damn book down!
No more reading at work! That goes for you, too, Erica.
Ain't nobody want to see a mermaid reading.
So you acknowledge that I can read, then. Nice.
Nah, we all know you're illiterate.
But things are about to change around here.
No more throwing cherries at work.
- You shut your damn mouth! - No, you shut yours!
This is a place of business. Y'all got to work.
Make sure these dudes' beers are full,
and no more yelling at the regulars.
Nobody want to tip a bitch who yells.
Okay. And what are you gonna do?
I'm about to make us some motherfucking money.
We about to blow the doors off this place.
♪ Move your body ♪
♪ Move, move your body, body... ♪
Who wants to do a shot off my titties?!
RICK: I do!
♪ Move your body, move, move your body ♪
♪ Hey, I drop, I drop, I drop it... ♪
Hey, Jayla, I'm really proud of the initiative you're taking,
but, um, I think that maybe this
is the exact opposite of what the book would want you to do.
The book said earn my own money and tackle my problems.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
Uh-huh, I get that, um, but you're still
using your body to earn money.
And what do you call what you do?
- What do you mean? - You know,
when Frank kisses you and makes you bend over
for your paychecks... what's that called?
Oh, well, that...
That's, uh...
I don't know what that is.
That's the same damn thing I'm doing.
You're being cute and using your cuteness to make earnings.
Only difference is, I'm making more.
Hey, hottie!
Want to see me make out with a mermaid for three dollars?
- Hmm. - ♪ Move your body... ♪
Oh, my God, (SCOFFS) that's exactly what I've been doing.
Another titty shot, please.
I got to go talk to Frank.
KAITLIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
What do you think you're doing?
We get objectified by Frank every day, and that's not okay.
This place has to change.
Barnacles is the best job I've ever had.
We get free booze and there's no rules.
Remember when we worked at Mugs and Jugs, and Missy got burned
on that fryalator game, and then we all had to, like,
sign waivers and go to staff meetings
and all that other lame-ass garbage?
Well, I'm not letting that happen to Barnacles.
I love you, Shelby, but I will fight you.
- Dude, get out of my way. - No.
- Ugh! Move. Dude, I'm serious. - I won't. No.
- No, you're not going in there. - God.
No! You're not going in there. No. Do not... No, no.
(SHELBY GRUNTS)
♪ Yeah, my booty's so fat ♪
Whoa, you're locking the door?
What, you finally came to your senses?
Yeah.
In a way, I have come to my senses.
I've been reading this empowering women book,
and it has opened my eyes to a lot of stuff,
like how I shouldn't be treated like an object.
What are you talking about?
I don't want you to kiss me anymore
or make me bend over for my paycheck.
And sometimes Rick shows us his dick,
and, yeah, that should stop, too.
Well, I-I had no idea you felt that way.
I sincerely apologize.
Oh, well, I mean, it's-it's fine.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, I'm just now realizing
that this stuff is bad for me, so I think
we're all sort of learning and...
I'm gonna make this right.
You should report it to HR so it goes
through all the proper channels.
Where is that number? Let me find it for you.
I mean, I-I don't want to get you in trouble, Frank.
Oh, no, this is important.
Okay. I mean, yeah, I guess that it should be handled properly.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
(LINE RINGING)
- (PHONE RINGING) - (CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you for calling HR. How can I help you?
Uh... um... what?
I'm gonna have to call you back, 'cause I'm dealing
with a whiny fucking bitch right now.
(PHONE BEEPS)
Get the hell out of my office and get back to work.
Mm. What happened? What did he say?
Relax. The bar is staying the same.
- Yes! - But I'm quitting.
What?
What's wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
So, let me get this straight.
You're abandoning your best friends
because of something you read in a book?
Hey, what the hell's going on?
SHELBY: This place is bad for me.
I don't want to have to flirt to make money anymore.
Oh, my God, you're such a sheep, Shelby.
You read one chapter of a book, and all of a sudden
a little harmless flirting's gonna kill you?
"Oh, no, someone liked my ass. My life is over."
But what we think of as "harmless flirting"
makes us devalue our intelligence,
and maybe that's why I dropped out of high school,
- and why Erica can't read. - I can read.
- No, you can't. - JAYLA: I don't know.
I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in my life.
I'm feeling powerful and sexy.
I'm having fun with my booty out.
And I'm making my own money.
SHELBY: Okay, but what if there was a way
for you to make money without having to sell sex?
The book says there are these job centers for women
looking for female-positive work environments.
Let's go find one of those places.
That's it, it's going in the trash.
Miss. Drink.
JAYLA: Shelby, you on your own with this one.
I love this job.
- What can I get for $12? - (LAUGHS): Oh.
Erica, let's take care of this gentleman.
♪ You think I'm trippin', I ain't even, though ♪
♪ Killin' all these tracks ♪
♪ Because your ass is unbelievable ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
In general,
I'd love to work in a place where women
are totally empowered,
and maybe they even provide free tampons in the bathrooms?
Well, you've come to the right place.
We have plenty
- of female-positive job opportunities. - (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- _ - SHELBY: Oh, um, actually,
I haven't gone to college. Not yet.
No problem.
- _ - Yeah, uh-huh.
Um, actually, I don't have one of these, either.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Yet.
Okay. Don't worry.
I have a job for you.
- Sorry. - (FIRE WHOOSHES)
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Dude, what happened to you?
- Yeah, sure, I'll take another. - (CAN CLICKS)
How is your new job?
It's, uh, it's great.
It's a female-positive environment.
There's-there's free tampons.
ERICA: So you're not gonna tell us what it is?
Dude, she's working at a pet cremation center.
It says so right on her shirt.
Oh, but you can't read, so you wouldn't know that.
I can, too, read.
KAITLIN: So, I just want to understand.
Barnacles is a nightmare,
but shoveling dead pets into a furnace isn't?
SHELBY: No, it is,
but it's a female-positive nightmare,
and I mention the tampons... you know what?
No, I'm not explaining it to you.
I'm glad I quit Barnacles.
Hold on. You quit working here?
Yeah, I did.
Because I flirted with you?
It's not flirting, Frank.
You are my boss,
and when you hit on me, it makes me feel
like I didn't get this job for my intelligence.
This bikini bartending job?
Does my flirting make y'all uncomfortable, too?
Nah, I'm used to it. My grandpa's pretty flirty.
I'm just focused on making my money.
Ba-bam! Come-Dumpster Teal.
If you flirt with me, I'll kick you in the dick.
And I didn't need a book to teach me how to do it.
Okay, fine. Maybe not all women feel this way, but I do.
I would rather shovel dead dogs into a hot furnace
and sift through their ashes for the teeth...
Because the families don't like it when the urns rattle...
Than work here.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Jesus, I didn't realize I was making you that uncomfortable.
(SIGHS) All right, relax, baby, I hear you.
No more kisses or proposals or making you bend over
so I can check out your tight little ass.
And maybe it'll help if the black one puts some pants on.
This better not mess with my tips.
I hope you're happy, Shelby.
This place is about to get real lame.
MAN: Super lame.
Hey.
I, uh, just wanted to say that I was s-sorry
if I offended y'all with my flirting.
All I ever wanted was
to make you girls feel good about your bodies.
By showing us your dick?
Yeah.
I got it.
Also, I-I like it when girls look at it.
And what's a bigger compliment than knowing that you got
a man's penis hard? Hey.
How's it...? (SCREAMS)
(HIGH-PITCHED GROANING)
Bye, Rick.
I'm gonna take off.
Ah...
Man, thanks a lot.
My best tipper just walked out the damn door.
Done.
Finished with all 174 pages
like the reading-ass bitch I am.
Yeah, right.
The Secret of the Old Mill by Franklin Dixon
is about how the Hardy brothers, Frank and Joe, find out about
this crazy counterfeit money scheme that ends up being run
by this rando security guard and a maintenance man
who work in the missile defense company
that the Hardy Boys' dad Fenton is investigating.
The secret is that not only are they operating
a money factory in the mill,
but they built this crazy signaling device
to alert them when someone's coming.
That way, they can attack the shit out of them
before they discover the counterfeit stuff.
The Hardy Boys sneak in and solve everything,
and the boys get a boat called The Sleuth,
which is pretty dope.
KAITLIN: Listen up!
If you tell me who read her that book, I'll give you a free beer.
OTHERS: Wattie!
All right, fine, I can't read.
Give me this thing.
Miss! Drink.
♪ And three, two, one ♪
♪ We came here to have some fun ♪
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com