[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh.
Uh, good morning.
Good morning, Liza. This is Beth.
Hi! It's so nice to meet you, Beth.
Likewise. I finally get to meet the roommate.
Yoga at 10:00?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Bye. - Mm.
Uh, is that the vagina counselor?
Yes. We just finished a session.
Ugh.
And now you're doing yoga.
Wow. I don't even know you anymore.
Oh, we hardly ever see each other,
I mean, now that we're all boo'd up.
We should have a little double date...
me and Beth, you and Charles.
Yeah, I just...
I promise not to call him Chaz.
No, it's not that. It's just...
I'm worried that he...
[SIGHS] He might be secretly funding a new company.
- Chaz? - I know it sounds crazy.
It's just, there are a lot, like, of odd coincidences.
Like, he recently took out
a huge mortgage on his town house.
Well, he's going through a divorce.
He probably needs the cash.
- I know. You're right. - Yeah.
But I... also, I saw him meeting with Zane.
- Mm-hmm. - And now this new publishing company
with Zane in charge buys a book
right out from under Millennial.
Eh. Sounds random.
But if you're looking for trouble,
you're probably going to find it.
♪ ♪
Okay. Marketing.
I was allotting a certain budget for Audrey Colbert's advance,
but now that we don't have that anymore,
what do we have to promote?
Bronwyn Madigan just finished the final pass on her new book.
"The Seasoned Slut"? Really?
Well, I mean, the main character's a chef
and also older... and a slut. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. - There's a great recipe
for meatloaf in the back.
It's erotica for baby boomers.
Her books did well for Empirical.
Maybe Millennial makes a bigger push to show
that a female-run company supports our female authors.
Okay, let's just make sure that she re-ups her contract.
As the boss, I suggest you make that happen.
She's a cash cow, and... Millennial could use the milk.
Did you have to say that?
I did.
♪ ♪
Look at this.
He always looks like a dog that just ate your pizza.
We need to make sure that we have the funds in place
to compete with him and whoever's backing this.
Do you think that it could be, like,
one really rich person?
[SCOFFS] No way.
I found out that Mercury has offices
in the Financial District.
It's got to the some deep-pocketed media company
who has the resources to play in publishing.
Yeah, that sounds right.
I'm going to lunch, and on my way,
I'm going to pay Zane a little surprise visit
and find out how big of a problem he's actually gonna be.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ I do my own thing ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I do my own thing ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't make mistakes ♪
♪ I make my own fate ♪
♪ Nothing in my way ♪
♪ I do my own thing ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ain't seen, but you probably heard ♪
♪ Just one look, and I rule the world ♪
[SCOFFS]
What is this?
Welcome to Mercury.
This is a community workspace.
This is where you go if you're starting a taco pop-up.
This is the future of business.
There's no overhead, and I take all my meetings
at Suffolk House.
Is that how you got Audrey Colbert?
A nice breakfast and a big check?
Oh, money isn't everything. Sometimes it's about charm.
[SCOFFS] So you slept with her?
God, that is completely unethical...
and so creepy.
Oh, but it's fine when you do it?
I've only slept with my authors after they signed.
- Mm. - Is that what this is about?
You getting back at me?
You went after Audrey because you knew I was.
You lost the book, Peters. Suck it up, all right?
There will be others...
oh, if they don't all get snatched up by me first.
This isn't cute, Zane.
That book was important to me, and you know it.
You could've been up front, but you played me.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Listen, you are energetically inflamed, all right?
Your aura is like a cartoon bird that just ate a pepper.
I am stressed, okay?
And my quick, easy way to de-stress was Zane,
and I hate him now.
Okay, okay, let's, um... let's redirect some of that heat
before I have to take one for the team, all right?
Pull up your apps, Kels.
We can find you
some no-strings-attached love tonight.
Okay, well, it's going to take a second
because I just added them back on the train.
Um, that is not how dating apps work, babe.
Yeah, you... your profile doesn't come down
just because you delete the app off your phone.
The bait has been in the water.
Then how come I don't have any bites?
I don't know. Give.
[GASPS] Oh, Kelsey, no, no, no.
This says that you're Publisher of Millennial Print.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. That is my job.
Yes. And it is a great job, and I am in constant awe
of your accomplishments, but this kind of overachieving
only works if you're trying to pick up women, all right?
Men don't want to deal with your big-dick energy.
Oh, my God. Okay.
I don't have that energy, and you're shouting.
You have BDE, Kelsey. You do.
I mean, you are basically wielding
a giant psychic schlong.
I almost got us a three-top.
I don't have big-dick energy, okay?
There's just something wrong with my app.
Yes, okay, and I will show you.
I'll show you what is wrong with your apps.
[CELL PHONE CLICKING]
What is a creative director?
No one knows, okay? And no one cares.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES] - [GASPS] Oh!
What was that?
Did someone get a ding?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Liza!
I just got off the phone with a rep from MetroCycle.
I pitched them the idea of putting erotica on the kiosks.
- Bronwyn's? - No, my own.
Yes, Bronwyn's!
We are working out a deal where excerpts from her book appear
on every kiosk from April to June...
a sign that spring has sprung.
Oh, we could call the campaign
"Get On and Get Off."
That's disgusting.
Maybe.
Call Bronwyn, give her the headline,
see if that spurs her on to sign the contract.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
- Hi. - Thanks for helping out.
Yeah, of course. Hi, baby girl. How are you?
- Oh, yeah. - I have to crash this program.
- Okay. - It's only gonna take
a couple of days.
I pumped.
Put half in the fridge, half in the freezer.
All right.
- [BABY CRIES] - Oh, hey, hey.
Hey, what's going on, baby girl?
- She's probably just hungry. - We okay?
She's hungry all the time.
Okay.
Ooh.
Here we go.
- [BABY CRYING] - Okay.
[CRYING CONTINUES]
Oh.
- Ow. - Ow? What?
- Oh, nothing. It's fine. - That doesn't sound fine.
- What can I do to help? - Uh...
What's happening?
Ah, I think I just have a clogged duct.
It's fine. Ah!
- [SCOFFS] - Oh.
[CRYING CONTINUES]
- I'm so sorry. - [SCOFFS]
- I guess it's unclogged. - [LAUGHS]
I don't know, something natural, easy, a little sexy.
Of course.
- You going out tonight? - Yes.
Tonight I'm practicing a little self-care
with someone else.
Okay!
Well, one tip for keeping this blowout fresh... no missionary.
- Oh, no problem. - [CHUCKLES]
I like you.
My roommate says I need to tone it down.
- She claims I have BDE. - Big-dick energy?
- According to her. - Uh-oh.
Yeah. Uh, apparently it's a turn-off if you're a woman...
Did you know you had a patch?
- What's that? - You've lost some hair here.
Oh, my God.
I don't have big-dick energy.
I have bald-dude energy! Aah!
♪ Hush now, baby, don't you cry ♪
♪ It's time for us to say good-bye ♪
Hey.
- Does this hat look ridiculous? - Shh!
I've tried putting my hair up.
I've tried putting a bandanna on.
Kelsey, Kelsey, I really don't want to hear
about your bad hair day, okay?
I-I have been up all night with a crying baby.
Why? I don't know. I don't know.
Because the rest of you either don't have ears
or you don't have souls.
It is not a bad hair day, Lauren.
- My hair's falling out! - Okay, well, animals shed.
You're just blowin' coat. It's normal.
I am not a sheltie!
I've lost four clumps of hair since last night. Four!
I'm going to the doctor to see if he can put them back in!
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God!
- [BABY CRIES] - What happened?
What happened? Did she wake up?
No, Josh. You are the only one who just woke up, okay?
I mean, get it together, man! Kelsey doesn't need this!
She's got a bag full of hair!
- [BABY CRYING] - [HUMMING SOOTHINGLY]
♪ ♪
Kelsey.
Bronwyn Madigan is coming in today,
and we need to put on a show,
which you can be the ringleader of
since you're wearing a top hat?
- What's going on? - She won't sign her contract.
I thinks she just needs some face time with the new boss.
Make sure she's in good hands.
So I'd re-think the Sorting Hat.
Some of my hair...
has recently gone.
The doctor says that it's alopecia.
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
I had alopecia... not on my head.
I've also had stress-induced dermatitis,
three bulging disks,
and something quaintly referred to as "nutcracker's esophagus."
Oh, and every April I get shingles,
right up the side of my rib cage.
It's like wearing an electric tube top
one month out of the year.
That's not making me feel better.
It's making me feel better.
Look, eventually the pendulum swings the other way.
In the meantime, just...
hang in there.
Can I take anything off your plate?
Just keep an eye out, okay?
Okay.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
MetroCycle has 62,000 riders a day,
which guarantees at least that many
the chance to marinate in your words
as they get on and get off.
Gross.
I agree. It's...
You know, it's a great marketing opportunity.
And it's perfect for the release of "The Seasoned Slut."
It's not my demo.
Women my age don't ride MetroCycle.
I'm not so sure about that.
Do you ride MetroCycle?
Funny story, I...
Am I your demographic?
We want to introduce new readers to your books.
I'm good. New readers can find me in the Twittersphere.
I'm a big tweeter.
I don't want to sign with a company called Millennial
and have my voice reimagined for a new audience.
Oh, Bronwyn. I promise you,
we don't want to chance your voice or your books.
You say that now, but I've been around the block.
When you sign a contract, you sign your rights away.
I'm not going to re-up, ladies.
I just thought I owed you the face-to-face.
You've built your entire career here.
No, I built my career at Empirical...
where I met you as an assistant.
So your problem is with me?
No, my problem is with the lack of value
placed on experience.
Where's the gray hair in the room?
I write erotic fiction for women of a certain age.
Yeah...
I bet any man would let the two of you blow him.
"Let"?
Women my age have to work hard for that BJ,
and we are better at it.
Am I right?
Do people think I'm her age?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Maggie.
Oh, hey! [CHUCKLES]
I came all the way to Greenpoint
so that I wouldn't run into anybody.
Yeah, me too.
I'm balding.
Yeah.
I think it's work-related. I don't know.
Well, itching and burning over here.
You know, this new woman I'm seeing, Beth...
she's got me doing so much hot yoga
that my cooch finally had enough.
[LAUGHS] There's a cure for that.
[LAUGHS] The grass is always greener.
Hey, why don't you come over for a drink
and a home-cooked meal?
You can meet Beth. I mean, she's a naturopath.
Maybe she's got, you know, a cure for your situation.
Why don't you talk to her about your situation?
Well, the key to a good lesbian relationship
is never tell each other about your yeast infections.
- Hmm. - Yeah.
♪ ♪
So I'm supposed to just not stress
while my hair is falling out?
No, you're supposed to try
to remember that everything is temporary.
Oh, that's nice to hear from the woman that you're dating.
Hey!
Hi, we come bearing Blackout cake.
- Hey! - Kelsey, good to see you.
Just don't look too close.
Hey, Charles. Liza.
Hey.
I saw the prescription in the bathroom.
Oh, God. Can you pretend that you didn't?
No, it's fine.
It's just that that shit's loaded with chemicals,
and you should really try a natural antifungal.
Like what?
- Boop. - Garlic?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- Wait, what are you doing? - Trust me.
Breathe.
- Oh, my God, you're crazy. - Shh.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS] It's... it's tingling.
It's doing the job already.
Okay.
[LAUGHTER]
Here you go.
Mmm. Maggie, this looks so good!
Mmm. It does. [SNIFFS]
Is there garlic bread on the menu tonight?
- Oh, no. - Really?
- 'Cause I'm totally smelling it. - Yeah.
[SNIFFING]
Well, there's no bread.
You don't serve bread with polenta.
Did you tell Charles about Bronwyn Madigan?
- Uh, not yet. - Wait a minute.
Is that the woman that writes those horny senior novels?
Is she one of your authors?
She was.
She left because we're too young
to understand how to publish her books.
You can't win.
Don't be too young, but don't be too old,
and work hard, but don't stress.
Well, the new person always has the hard job
of proving themselves to the old guard.
- Hmm. - You'll be fine.
- [SNIFFS] - [SNIFFS]
It's as if someone is toasting an everything bagel.
- Maybe you're having a stroke. - [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my gosh, I just got it.
Is there something in the oven?
Um, not exactly.
Oh, so do you guys all work together?
We used to.
Ah, we don't have to talk about work.
Oh, my God!
Have you heard about Zane's new publishing house?
Mercury?
The god of profit and trickery... it is so Zane.
Yeah, I heard about the, uh... the Audrey Colbert book.
That was a, uh... I was surprised.
- Um, is there more wine? - Oh, yeah, sure.
On top of all the stress of being a brand-new publisher,
I also get to deal with Zane targeting all my authors.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, I just got a really big hit of it again.
- Oh, it's like a garlic knot. - Yes!
You guys have a garlic knot haunting your apartment.
- Oh, my God. - Or escargot.
I love escargot.
[WHISPERING] People are smelling me.
[WHISPERING] It's okay. It's natural.
You know, Kelsey, about Zane...
that... that's just business.
I'm sure it's not personal.
Well, then you clearly don't know Zane very well,
because he's up to something, and he's not working alone,
but he wants to make it seem like he is.
Yeah, it is strange.
Someone is clearly giving him money.
I know, but who?
Who is it?
Seriously, who is it?
It's me! I'm the garlic knot.
Beth stuck a whole clove up my pussy.
It's plant medicine.
And I think it smells fine.
- Maggie! - Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ It's what you're doing to me, doing to me ♪
♪ Turning it upside down, yeah ♪
Hey.
Is there something you're not telling me?
Yeah. You know, in a... in a lot of circles,
Bronwyn's books are known as, uh, matron lit.
Uh, so it... it probably wouldn't be a good fit
for Millennial anyway.
Good night, Liza.
Charles...
I have lied to a lot of people for a long time,
and I know what it looks like.
I saw you with Zane.
I know you mortgaged the town house,
and I think you're behind Mercury.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I never wanted to give up publishing.
♪ ♪
I wanted to be with you.
And I wanted to keep the company going,
so I had to make choices.
So you are behind Mercury.
- Why didn't you just tell me? - I'm sorry, Liza.
I was planning to tell you.
I was looking for the right time.
To be honest, this whole thing
took off a lot faster than expected.
But I don't understand. Millennial is your company.
No, it's my dad's company.
I wanted to build something of my own.
And this...
this was my chance...
to take a risk, to... to reinvent myself.
If anyone can understand that...
it's you.
You cannot be on the board of Millennial
and run a competing publishing house.
I just need some time to figure it out.
Until that time...
can this stay between us?
- You mean don't tell Kelsey. - Not anyone.
[EMOTIONAL POP MUSIC]
Just for now.
♪ ♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
- Hey. - Don't come too close.
- I'm still off-gassing. - [CHUCKLES] What a night.
[SIGHS] At least your date didn't try to stuff you
like a cocktail olive.
[CELL PHONE CLICKING, BLOOPS]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- Hey. - I can't text, I'm running.
Bronwyn tweeted that she has a meeting
at Suffolk House this morning, and I know it's with Zane.
- I'm running to intercept, okay? - Wait.
I'm going underground. Just meet me there.
Kelsey. Kelsey! Shit. Damn it!
Um...
uh, okay, bye!
♪ Who you gotta be ♪
♪ What you gotta do ♪
♪ What you gotta say? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If you gotta bend too far to please ♪
♪ You're gonna break ♪
- Bronwyn. - What are you doing here?
[SIGHS]
I know that you're meeting with other publishing houses.
And I just want you to make the right choice.
That's not Mercury.
Yeah, I suppose the right choice is Millennial?
Yes.
We are a company run by women
who want important women's voices to be heard... your voice.
What is Mercury? Who is Mercury?
- Hey, there! - The cavalry is here.
Kelsey, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yes. Sit down.
Honestly, Bronwyn, not to take away from your work,
but Zane is out to steal our authors, all right?
He's a former employee who has a personal vendetta
against our company.
She didn't come here to see Zane.
I'm pretty sure she did.
No, I don't know Zane from a wart on my butt.
I came here to see Charles.
- What the... - [CHAIR SCRAPES]
Oh, God.
You're the money behind Mercury?
- Kelsey, if you just give me... - Did you know about this?
I just found out. I was coming to tell you.
You're the Chairman of the Board.
You're working against your own company?
- You're working against me? - Wow, this is interesting.
Could we talk outside?
- Yeah, that's a good idea. - No.
No, you know what?
Bronwyn should know who she's getting into business with.
A man who is by your side one minute
and then the next trying to steal your authors.
My hair is falling out because of you and because of you.
I hope you know who you're getting into business with
because I sure as hell didn't.
- Liza, wait. - Is this you figuring it out?
Bronwyn reached out to me.
He called your books "matron lit."
[PEPPY ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I got a feeling, come on ♪
♪ You know there's something between us ♪
♪ L-O-V-E ♪
♪ Why you never giving it up? ♪
Hi, Gemma! [GIGGLES]
Are you sure it's a good idea to have her in the studio?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The buzzing needles actually put her right to sleep.
- It's been amazing. - [BOTH CHUCKLE]
I have learned so much in the last two days.
Like, she loves walks...
loves being read to.
- "The Hung Juror"? - Yeah.
Is this what you've been reading her?
Okay, look, Kelsey brought home a bunch of senior erotica.
Here, listen to this.
"Frank held Cathy as she waved good-bye to her grandkids.
His tumescence growing."
[WHISPERING] Look at her eyes.
- [LAUGHS] - Are you kidding me with this?
She loves it!
Well, thanks for looking after her.
Yeah. I mean...
I'm her dad, you know, not her babysitter.
I know.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, um...
Look, so...
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
I know we're getting a divorce, and...
we're going to deal with custody stuff, but...
I really want to be in her life full-time.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Or at least equally split time.
♪ ♪
And, uh...
I want sleepovers on a regular basis.
♪ ♪
Let's just figure out
this whole parenting thing together, okay?
That'd be great, actually.
Just...
don't bring her down to the studio anymore.
- [CHUCKLES] - Deal.
♪ ♪
My hair is falling out because of you and you!
Everyone is going to see this video.
It's just Publisher's Lunch.
It's also trending on Reddit.
You know what?
Charles is the one that looks bad, not me.
He's completely in the wrong here.
Say something.
Bronwyn, who apparently does think we're peers,
is staying put.
- Really? - Yeah!
She said anyone who fights
for her like you did, she's sticking with.
Okay. Now, that is some good news.
- So... - Why are you two looking
at me like my eyebrows fell off?
[GASPS] Oh, my God, did they?
No, gosh, of course not.
I got calls from three agents
and emails from another handful.
They're all making noise about moving their clients
from Millennial...
to Mercury.
They don't care that Charles is in the wrong.
They want the gray hair in the room.
No. I'm calling an emergency board meeting. He can't do that!
Charles resigned from the board
about an hour ago.
He did?
What does that mean?
That he's officially our competition now.
♪ This is a woman's world ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We're strong, and we're taking the world ♪
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -