I want you to be comfortable.
I want you to be comfortable too.
Is it alright if I touch you?
Take your cock out.
I wanna watch you do something first.
OK.
Rub yourself for me.
Like this?
Yeah, just like that.
Oh God, come here and rub me.
What else did this director do?
He did that mystery, the boy who goes back in time, Evergreen.
Yeah, yeah, I saw that. It was a good movie.
Yeah, that one was good, that was good.
So good.
He must have a really great cinematographer,
ya know, his movies are always so beautifully, beautifully shot.
- They are. They are. - Right?
Oh God, that's it.
Feels so good.
Oh God.
Mom.
You're missing the best part of the movie.
Oh my God, what are you watching?
The movie you selected.
You know what, why don't I rewind it.
- No, no, that's OK. - You know what, you're right.
It'll be faster if I just recap it. So he said, "Let me touch you."
She said, "Take your cock out,"
and then he did some stuff with it and then,
that's pretty much where we are.
So I think we're good now. Should I press play?
- Great. - I think we're just gonna head home.
Mom, shh, we're watching the movie now.
Thank you.
- Synced and corrected by Darrow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Well I can never look Leon in the eye again.
Where else do you feel comfortable looking?
I feel like now, I'm only full direct eye contact with Leon,
I don't look up, I don't look down.
Oh God.
You know what, tomorrow night, instead of going out,
maybe Jennifer and I will just re-watch that,
call it quits on our friendship forever.
So if you guys don't watch pornography tomorrow, what are you doing?
If we don't watch pornography, she wants to do an escape room.
- Oh, sounds like fun. - Yeah.
You know, other than the fact that I had to watch it with Leon,
I thought that other little scene at the end of the movie
was not so terrible.
Which scene?
Ya know, the one where they were acting out their fantasies?
Ooh, ala, Miguel!
Is that something you'd be interested in exploring?
Maybe.
I mean, I've tried to get it going a couple times.
It just wasn't always something you wanted to do.
- What, when did you do that? - Oh, a couple times.
And I didn't wanna do it?
I'll be honest, that does not sound like me.
I don't think it was something that you didn't wanna do,
it was just that you kinda always turn everything into a bit
and then we lose our focus.
I'm not allowed to joke during these fantasies?
There's a difference between having fun in the fantasy
and shitting on the fantasy.
Unless shitting is the fantasy.
OK, this was fun.
No, no, no, if this is something you wanna do, let's do it!
Yeah, alright, when do you wanna do it?
Well, I mean, that hundred and 32 minutes of sensual cinema with Leon
left me pretty satisfied sexually.
These are the kinda bits I'm referring to.
I wish that had been a bit.
Alright.
♪ We're gonna fantasize honestly comin' at you ♪
♪ Get ready Mike, I'm gonna fantasize with you ♪
Yes!
Four minutes to spare.
That was actually really fast.
I know, once I figured out the newspaper clippings,
it's just like everything went so fast.
What the fuck was that?
And why was I blindfolded and handcuffed?
Because it was the cannibal-hillbilly room.
Right, yes, lovely.
That was fun when we, the thing, it's like science and the door opened.
Fun like when you're being sexually assaulted and then it ends.
I'm gonna need a minute. Can I have some water?
- Yeah, there's some right there. - Thank you.
Why would you have brought me here?
- I'm sorry. - Are you?
Oh my God, you jumped so high when that guy jumped out with the banjo.
You know why?
Because I'm a human being
and we have fight or flight instincts
that are triggered when men jump out of closets in strange places
in rooms that I thought I was alone in for 35 minutes.
Let's do another one.
- Will you do another one with me? - No, I will not.
I will never.
- Don't give me that face. - So boring!
You know what the most devastating part
of this horror show actually was?
What?
Remember when we were looking for decapitated dolls heads
in the garage of the slaughtered family?
You are a sick person.
It wasn't real and they were doll heads.
Anyway, they had all those stacks, did you see them?
- Of emergency canned foods and water? - Right.
Yeah, Mike and I have had that on our to-do list for over a year
and we haven't done jack shit.
So that was a real slap in the face.
I don't want serial killers being more prepared than I am.
Sorry.
OK, I think I slowed my heart rate down enough to head to the car.
Oh you wanna just go home? You don't wanna go get a drink or something?
Happy to do that but you know you are Jennifer
and there's probably an Agents of Shield marathon somewhere.
- Just saying. - Come on, I don't wanna go home yet.
- Oh, you don't? - I've been divorced for a year and a half
and you have to like find things to fill your time,
like Agents of Shield.
- OK. - Or drinking on Tuesdays.
You know it's after 9:30, right?
- Yeah, I get that. - OK, let's do it.
Let's go to a bar on a Tuesday night, right?
I fucking see you.
Jesus!
- It's fine. - Thank you.
Hey, you're still up.
Hi, I was starting to think you didn't escape
and I was gonna have to raise Amelia alone.
Oh yeah? How'd that look to you?
- Not that bad. - Finally.
How's Jennifer?
Honestly, she seems likes, she's like a little manic or something.
Manic? How?
I don't know, like she's trying to distract herself.
Just hate having to watch Jennifer struggle like this.
Fucking Scott and his cheating dick.
Ya know, I dream about the day that I bump into fucking Scott.
There's gonna be some event, a birthday party with the kids.
He'll say, "Hi," and I'll say, "Hi."
And then ya know, he'll go like,
"Oh God, I haven't seen you in so long, how are you?"
And I will look him in the eyes and say,
"I'm not interested in doing this."
And then I will walk away.
Wow, that's gonna sting.
It's the things I'm not saying. He will get it.
Scathing.
Ugh, thank you for not putting your dick in other people.
- It's the least I could do. - Literally.
Ugh, that feels good.
I had a rough night, I was handcuffed.
Oh, is that something that sparks your interest?
I don't know, I've never really thought about it.
What are your fantasies, out of curiosity?
Mike.
What?
I don't wanna use any of my life stock footage.
Stock footage?
You know, the stuff that I have used for years.
I don't wanna muck it up.
How am I gonna muck it up?
There's just certain dialog that needs to be said
in a very specific way
and I don't wanna make you feel badly by giving you line readings.
Wow.
Or you need to move your position
or Mike, think about your fantasies, OK?
Imagine me in there just going off script.
Good point.
- Right? - Yep.
Let's think of something new between us.
OK.
I'm kinda looking forward to this actually.
- Me too! - Let's get this going.
- But not tonight, right? - It's 12:30.
God, no, we're not animals.
Mom, you're a person who's been divorced a lot, right?
I'm so glad I came over.
Just when did you start feeling like normal again?
Jennifer's having a rough go.
Well, she's gotta start dating again. Is she dating again?
Mom, that is not the only way to get over something like this.
Well, worked for me twice.
Just kidding.
Not really.
Jesus, no.
It was hard, but then when it got hard,
I just relied on family and friends.
Well, I tried to talk to her the other night,
but she wanted to battle human that were trying to eat our flesh.
- Well, just keep doing things with her. - I'm trying!
And pick a place where it's easy to talk,
like a flower arranging class.
A flower arranging class?
- Have you been to a flower arranging class? - No, but I imagine.
- What? You imagine what? - Well I imagine that being nice
and what are you doing with all these cans?
I'm just putting them in the garage in case of an emergency.
You know you can buy these kits. Leon bought a great one.
It has flares and batteries and a machete.
It's fun to see Leon holding a machete. I just wanna say.
If Leon has to cut paths in forests that have never been foraged before
I'm not sure that's a disaster you wanna survive.
Well, at least I'm prepared.
Oh you know what you should do.
You should get one of those smoke alarms
where you record your own voice.
Why would anyone wanna do that?
Because a mother's voice is more like to wake up a child
- than even a regular alarm. - Not your voice though.
Your voice is like the music they play at a flower arranging class,
it's so soothing.
You do know these chick peas expired in 2014?
Mom, let's be honest. If there's a real emergency,
I'm just using the jagged lids to slit my wrists.
This is all for show.
Hey, are these the smoke alarms your mom was talking about?
Let me see. Oh yeah, we should get a couple of those.
- OK. - Oh, look at that family.
They got some stories to tell.
They're awfully calm for their house being on fire.
Yeah, there's a sadness behind this guy's eyes.
I think he started the fire.
I don't think he did.
Look at the way his shirt's tucked in.
- Oh, you're correct. - That kid is worked up.
I like the couple though, they look nice.
I would wanna be with them in an emergency.
Yeah, would you trust me in an emergency?
I don't know. What kind of emergency ya got?
Ms. Warren, I don't know how to tell you this but,
there's no way outta this bunker and help is not on the way.
Oh really?
OK well, then I guess it's just the two of us alone in the bunker then.
Well I can think of a couple ways to pass the time, ma'am.
Sorry, the ma'am threw me off.
I'm not making jokes, I promise. I'm not laughing, I just,
I'm just hot because there's no windows in the bunker
and I can't get a cross breeze.
And it's making it stuffy.
Maybe you just have on too many clothes.
This is the uniform I was issued, so,
I don't really...
What do you have on underneath?
Sorry, do you want me to make something up
or say what you're actually gonna see in like two seconds?
Either way.
Either way?
Alright, well then, what I'm wearing underneath
is a lacey bra
and a very small thong.
- I really wanna see that. - Yeah?
Yeah, so, what do I gotta do to get you to show me?
I mean, I think you'll have to
show me what it's worth to you, Lieutenant.
OK sorry, everything I'm saying is sounding crazy.
- No, it's not. - Yes it, Mike, yes it.
I don't know why I can't do this!
Honey, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal.
I know it's not a big deal but I am, I feel like it's weird.
This seems like something I would crush!
Maybe we finally found your Achilles heel.
I always knew it was gonna be my vagina.
- Didn't you? - Yep.
Don't you think it's strange though that I can't role play?
Doesn't that seem like something I would excel at?
No!
Wow!
Well, I'm sorry but you're obviously uncomfortable
and when you, Andrew, are uncomfortable, then you make jokes.
OK, how can anybody earnestly pretend
to fuck in a bunker without sounding crazy?
Obviously I think there is some suspension of disbelief involved.
So much suspension, come on!
You know, Mike is oddly good at it. It's annoying.
He's able to just focus in and not laugh.
- That makes sense to me. - What?!
Well, he's always been more comfortable being vulnerable
than ya know, this debacle.
I mean, I'm not gonna argue with you about it but...
I think you just have to do the uncomfortable part.
You have to be like, I'm not comfortable with this.
I'm gonna do it anyway and just dive and have ya know,
bunker scientist sex with your husband.
Wait, you think we were supposed to be scientists?
I feel like if I had known that,
I could've found a way into my role, right?
Yeah, I feel like incision back-story was definitely your problem.
- Thank you for acknowledging that. - You're welcome.
I mean, otherwise, how am I supposed to know who I am?
- So how was your week? - It's fine.
- Yeah? - Yep.
- Scott's got the boys all weekend? - Yeah.
How are things going with you guys?
I don't wanna talk about it. Just boring and...
- OK! - So where are we going?
Again, don't be afraid to put two flowers
next to each other that you wouldn't expect.
Like a dahlia and a daisy.
Give yourself permission to really push the boundaries.
Listen, you picked this, alright? Go back to your own vase.
OK, but I've been given permission to push the boundaries.
Hold onto your tits, I'm going heavy with the sprigs.
All sprigs all day.
Jesus Christ.
I just feel like this is like, doesn't look good.
Are you using the black eyes Susans or?
I don't know.
By the way, black eyed Susan,
not a terrible name for future fantasy play.
I'll just be a woman name Susan who's been punched in the face twice.
Let Mike be earnest with that.
Damn it.
I think that's good.
It's missing something, I don't know what it's missing.
Look at mine.
Mine looks like a middle of a Timelines video about life and death.
OK ya know what, let's get up.
OK, I'm OK, I'm OK.
You just burst out crying
because your practice flower arrangement was too crowded.
You're not 100%.
I'm just really starting to get scared,
like I'm ya know, like Scott is dating again
and I feel like I've grieved, but I'm just stuck.
Like why can't I move past this?
Because you just haven't yet. You need more time.
What if I never get over this?
Then I'll stop hanging out with you.
OK, that's fair.
Oh God.
You know that I am constantly dreaming about the day
I get to tell off your dick blister of an ex-husband.
That's sweet, thank you.
Well, I'm not vulnerable for shit, but I'm sweet as fuck.
Yeah.
- I know I'm gonna be fine. - Of course!
Ya know, I'm gonna date again and have sex
and have a normal life and everything.
When is the last time you had sex?
Not since Scott.
- 18 months ago? - I know.
Well let me apologize for bringing you to a flower arranging class.
All those dewey petals and swollen stamens
must have been hard for you to be around.
Do you wanna have sex with these flowers?
I mean, if you're not, I'd bang a dahlia.
Wow!
Were you impressed by the way I just effortlessly installed
our new smoke alarm.
My mom did something similar in her house, so once again,
ya know, the similarities between you and my mother are striking.
Oh, thank you.
You know what, you're welcome!
That's great! I am excited now.
Thank you for doing that.
- What time is Jennifer picking you up? - 20 minutes?
Aren't you exhausted going out so much?
Yes, I'm so tired.
But at least this is the cooking class that I love.
Oh, then I'll be getting something out of it.
By the way, I just recently found out that Jennifer
has not had sex in almost a year and a half.
- Jesus. - I know!
I think I'm gonna get her a vibrator for her birthday.
You are? Why?
Because they're awesome.
Wait, do you have a vibrator?
Of course!
Really?
- Yes! You know that! - No I didn't.
How often do you use your vibrator?
Whenever the mood strikes.
Although recently, I've had to engage in more
traditional, labor intensive methods.
What does that mean?
Just ya know, vibrators can kinda
desensitize things and make it harder for me
to enjoy the fruits of your loins.
Well, that doesn't sound great.
I know, that's why I stopped, which sucks,
because I'm a very lazy masturbator.
OK, good to know.
I mean, this was not like an easy decision to come to, Mike,
I mean, keep using my vibrator or have better sex with my husband.
It was a real Sophie's choice.
And by Sophie, I obviously mean Amelia's friend Sophie,
'cause she's the only one I can really go to for stuff like this.
- Ugh. - What, you want me to go to Izzy?
Please, that girl has never orgasmed.
Are you proud of yourself?
Not really.
I don't know why this stuff pops in my head.
But it does.
- Everything smells so amazing. - My God, I know.
- I love Mediterranean food. - I know.
I do have to say though, I'm not super pleased
with the fact that this class is called The Empire Strikes Baklava.
Would you have preferred Fetacals Hall?
Or I'm gonna get Moussacha?
I am very good at this.
OK great, now while we're waiting for the dolma's filling to simmer,
we're gonna go ahead and mince the garlic
and chop the mint for the lamb rub.
I feel like there's an ice pick for the mint.
- Shrivel it up. - Yeah, that's a good idea.
What are you doing?
- Nothing. - Who are you What's Apping?
I'm not Mellie.
- Let me see your phone. - No!
Give me your phone.
Why are you What's Apping Bob?
I don't know, no reason. Just give me my phone back.
Are you fucking Bob?
- Of course not. - What is this then?
Why did he write, "Thinking of you, heart heart heart?"
I don't know, because maybe I was telling him
that we've been having some problems lately.
You told Bob our personal business?
- He's our biggest client! - We were just chatting.
You were having conversations at 2:30 in the morning?
Why would you need to be chatting then?
My God, because she's fucking Bob!
- Excuse me? - Excuse me. I don't know you.
I know you and she's obviously fucking Bob.
My ex husband fucked a Bob, so I'm like, ya know,
well versed in Bob fuckers.
Honey, I promise I did not have sex with Bob.
Yes, ya did. Yeah, ya did.
And he's your biggest client too.
OK ya know know what, let's go, we're leaving.
Wait, I'm sorry. What's your name?
Jeff.
Jeff, that's a good name.
So Jeff, that is my number,
and just so you know, I'm gonna fuck the shit outta Jeff.
So...
Oh my God.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, yeah.
I feel really good. I feel really good.
I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
Then she gave him her number and said
she was going to fuck the shit out of him.
OK, including the birth of our child,
is this the happiest you've ever been?
Yes, I wanna say it's close but it is not.
- I can't even imagine Jennifer doing that. - I know.
I think this is maybe what she needed all along,
just to yell at an asshole.
You think she's actually gonna have sex with Jeff?
I don't know, maybe.
I will say I don't think this is the first time
this particular couple's had this conversation.
But do you think it's the first time it ever happened
with their biggest client?
Oh Bob? 100%.
What kinda client do you think Bob is?
I imagine Bob owns commercial real estate
and has a lot of sex on filing cabinets.
- I could see that. - Right?
I mean ya know,
you're working such late hours around so many available,
willing women...
- Uh, yeah. - It just seems to make sense.
Does it now?
I hope you don't find this unprofessional, Bob,
but I'm very happy that we are finally alone in the office together
and what are the odds that it would happen during a blackout?
Really?
Is now a good time or do you need me to come back later?
- Well let me check my schedule. - OK.
- Yeah, I'm available. - Oh, you're available?
Great, so...
You know, I've always wanted to see you naked
every since your first interview here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, how to do you propose we achieve that goal?
Oh, you feel that breeze?
- Oh my gosh. - What happened?
The candles burned out, so...
Oh God, I can't see anything now.
I think we should probably just feel our way to each other now.
- Oh, alright. - What do you think?
I guess that's our only choice.
Oh, hello.
You really have been waiting a while, Bob.
I feel like we gotta make up for lost time.
That's a good idea.
- What's happening? - Shit!
Get up, the house is on fire.
It's the alarm.
Ah, why is it so loud?
Oh my God, pull the battery out!
- I'm trying. - I hate this.
Got it.
OK, that could not be blamed on me.
I did record my voice but I did that a few days ago.
Yeah just, I'm gonna just need a minute here.
I get it.
I know now is not the right time but,
comedy wise, this really could not have gone better.
I'm not sure my biggest client would agree with you.
Is your biggest client your dick?
- Mmhmm. - Got it.
Mommy is amazing. I love her so much!
Must be nice to have such cool songs written about you.
Yeah, it is.
Although it just reminds me I have nowhere to go but down.
This is the most she's ever going to love me.
- Probably. - Right?
Mommy, can we get some strawberries?
Yeah, you know where they are. Go grab em.
Holy shit, that's Scott.
Who?
Scott, Jennifer's Scott. He's right there.
Oh yeah, there he is.
Ya know what, I think this might be my moment.
- Really? - Yeah, I mean,
- how long have I been thinking... - Andrea, Mike...
- Scott, hi, how are you? - I'm good, how are you?
Good, so good!
Good, I'd love to catch up but I'm running late to pick up the boys.
- Of course, tell them I say hello. - I will.
- OK good! - OK.
- OK bye! - Bye!
- So good to see you. You look great. - Thanks.
Well, he's gonna reflect on that for a while.
Mmhmm.
Why did I say he looked effing great?
God damn it!