Who is this for?
Anyone who wants it.
You can go to bed.
No, I'm gonna read.
Okay.
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Okay, tell me again how you first noticed this.
Just for the past year or so, sometimes my armpits
have felt kind of lumpy or kind of swollen.
Sometimes they get like a little painful once in a while.
- It's been weird. - Well, I've looked at the ultrasound.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
- Okay, good. - Yeah.
Thank you. That is a relief.
You just have some accessory axillary breast tissue.
I recognize very few of the words in that sentence.
Basically, you have breast tissue
that has migrated to your underarm area.
Jesus Christ.
That's why sometimes they might feel swollen, your armpits.
It's kind of like your breasts when you're on your period.
So now, I'm the person with boobs in my armpits?
Well, I guess, technically.
You know what?
It's unusual but not unheard of as you get older.
- 5% of women get it. - Oh.
- Yeah. - So I'm one of the old lucky ones.
- You are. - Great, well,
I have to imagine there's a couple
specific websites dedicated solely to this condition.
Should I start a webcam in my house?
How do you people usually...
Let's first see what you're working with here.
Well, I'd really love to monetize it,
so you know, just...
Wow, that's a fun reaction.
- I'm sorry. - No.
- They're just very cute. - You mean my arm tits?
I wish I couldn't say I was proud of that, but
they chose the right host.
I guess so.
Ladies, gentlemen, you're welcome.
What?
So your breasts just moved.
No, no, no, Mike, they didn't move.
I have breast tissue in my armpits.
So now, I just have extra boobs.
Wow.
They're like, you know, the drawer of extra batteries.
Also, if you put your tongue on them, they will shock you.
Do we need to be worried about this?
No, my doctor kept laughing at them.
You don't giggle at cancer.
Oh, thank you.
So what do we do for, um...
Arm tits? That's what I'm calling them now.
- Feel free to join me. - No.
I don't technically have to do anything.
I mean, Ruth said completely benign,
but it is breast tissue, which is a little dicey.
Who's Ruth?
Dr. Nufeld.
I call her Ruth.
Did she ask you to call her that?
No, she did not.
But Ruth said if I do want to do something,
my only option is surgery.
- Seriously? Surgery? - Yeah.
Oh, thank you again.
Of course.
Well, I guess this is what happens
when you're the only ones in the restaurant.
- Very vigilant. - Apparently.
Anyway, as erotic as it sounds
to have boobs in your armpits,
I think I'm gonna have the surgery.
Yeah, I think you should.
Mike, don't tell me what to do.
It's my body, my choice.
Please don't make a scene in front of all these people.
Oh, well,
well, well, I didn't know
it was gonna be this kind of a date night.
Oh, boy.
Oh, did you get that email from Mr. Castellati?
Yeah, the one about Amelia's ancestry thing?
So we gotta pick which side of the family
- she's gonna do it on. - Mmm-hmm.
Are you ready to order?
Oh, no, sorry, I was just looking that way.
No, we will focus.
You need to figure out what you're getting
because these people need something to do.
How is no one else eating here?
I don't know.
Oh, god.
All right, for the next 20 minutes,
we are belly dancing fans.
Put on a face.
Smaller face.
Nice.
Yeah, I'm getting the surgery in two weeks.
I'm a little nervous, but I just want to get it over with.
Yeah, well, it makes sense.
It sounds just like one of those things
that happens when we get older, honey.
Wow.
Dad, I am just approaching aging, okay.
You've already bought her a drink
and are fondling her under the bar.
- A couple of drinks. - Gross.
All right, are you ready for Amelia to interview you
about the Warren family history?
Yep, all set.
Wait a minute. What is is I'm supposed to do?
Just remember stuff.
Do whatever you need to do for that, all right.
Pull out some old pictures.
- Look at a family tree. - You like drugs.
Take some heroin.
Get those synapses firing on all cylinders.
Heroin is not for focus, honey.
Super cool, Dad.
All right, well, I leave it up to your drug addled discretion.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
You're going to see your dad tomorrow?
Yep, Amelia's interviewing him for her project.
When do I get to do my interview?
Oh, Mom, don't worry.
You will get your moment in the sun, all right.
David's gonna be there, too.
Can you do next Saturday?
Yeah, I can do Saturday just as long as
I'm home by five, so I can...
Feed your husband dinner in bed?
Why do you make it sound so weird?
Sharon, is there another way to make it sound?
Mom, Gloria Steinem is rolling over in her grave.
Gloria Steinem is not dead.
Yeah, she is.
I called her and told her about feeding Leon,
and she killed herself.
Thanks for murdering an American treasure, Mom.
Well, you shouldn't have bothered her with it.
Hindsight, I didn't know she would
take it so much to heart.
Although, I'll be honest.
I get the instinct, you know what I mean?
No.
I considered offing myself over this a couple of times.
What does he wear again when you feed him?
Nothing.
Hi.
- Hello. - Grampy.
Hey, Pumpkin, ah.
Do you want to learn about the Warrens?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Okay, again, all conversations take
place further in the house.
We have discussed this.
Keep it moving.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here
next to the erotic photography.
- Oh, dad. - Speaking of photography,
I pulled out a bunch of photos for you.
Oh, who is this guy?
I haven't seen this photo before.
A choo choo choo choo, Dan La Roocha.
Give me, give me smoocha.
Well, that's my father.
I'm gonna pull back one of my choo chas.
I'll still throw him a roocha though.
- Jesus. - Yeah, he was handsome.
Oh, my god, very.
I guess this makes more sense to you know, huh?
You being adopted? Yeah, it's tracking.
Oh, you know what?
Actually, because Grampy's adopted,
it makes his ancestry a little more exciting
'cause his adopted parents, they were American.
But his birth parents were from Greece,
which is why you love feta cheese and olives
and dark chocolate 'cause it's in your blood.
Well, you can continue to love those things,
but I've got news for you.
I am not Greek.
What?
I did one of those ancestry DNA tests, and...
You did? When?
I don't know.
About six months ago, I sent it in.
Six months ago?
Sent me back the paperwork and said you are not Greek.
But I am almost 100% Polish.
Dad, what is happening right now?
I'm sorry. I thought I mentioned it.
No, you went on at length about your new solar powered
outdoor lighting, but somehow this little detail
slipped your mind for six months.
Hmm, I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.
Why did we even think we were Greek?
Where did that even come from?
I don't know.
Somebody must have screwed up the paperwork.
All right, your casualness about this is unnerving.
Oh, I've had more time to wrap my head around it.
Okay, Dad, if Amelia didn't have this project,
how long would I have gone on believing that I was Greek?
Well, I'm sure it would have come up before the holidays.
Which holidays?
Thanksgiving or Greek Easter?
Oh, I wouldn't want to ruin Greek Easter.
Okay, well, now we've got Polish Easter.
So I imagine it's a much more subdued affair.
I've been in Poland at Easter.
They go out with a basket full of eggs and throw them away.
Just the opposite you see.
- Is that a Polish joke? - Yeah.
Even if you're Polish, those aren't okay.
Okay, but one must laugh at oneself.
Remember that.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Great.
I honestly, I still cannot believe it.
I mean, I did a foreign exchange program in Athens.
I made you follow Greece's national soccer team.
They are not good.
No, I mean I gave blow jobs to people
just because they were Greek.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't, but I mean,
I strongly considered it sometimes.
I don't want to make it like the end of the world,
but this was like my one spice.
Yeah, it's weird looking at you now.
I like being married to an exotic Greek woman.
Well, now, you're married to a Polish lady with arm tits.
It's kind of different sturdier kind of exotic.
Oh, hey, my surgery is offish
confirmed for 9 A.M. on Thursday.
Can you take me?
Of course, the 12th?
Oh, crap, is that the 12th?
Mmm-hmm.
That's the morning that her school's
having that pancake breakfast.
Maybe your mom can take her.
No, I don't want us both not to be there.
Why don't you and my mom go to that,
and I'll see if David can take me.
Okay, but I'm gonna come take you home.
All right, also keep in mind, after Friday,
I'm gonna have the armpits of a 16-year-old.
Is that something I want?
You'll be able to bounce a quarter off them.
Is that something I want?
I mean, I just assume now, my life is gonna be me
in sleeveless shirts, you know, just tons of high fives.
- Oh, yeah. - Maybe I'll join a bird watching club.
Oh.
I don't want to learn a lot about birds,
but I'll just be like, bird.
This is gonna create a lot more job opportunities for me.
You're probably not gonna see me much after this happens.
Daviday, do you want something to drink?
Do you have any kombucha?
No, I do not, and assume that will be my answer
from now until the end of days.
You know, Mom, I'd love to take a look at that family tree
and see how I'm related to this beast.
That's 'cause this one greeted everyone vagina first.
- Oh, god. - All right,
we're gonna talk about Mom's filthy habits
when I take all five of you on Thursday, okay.
I don't get it.
Well, I just mean your two regular boobs
and then you got two extra boobs.
And then you, yourself, the stem of the boobs.
I still don't get it. What do you mean?
I'm just gonna put it in a different way for you.
Yeah, no, break it down.
Those things that are on your chest are called boobs.
There are other people in the room.
- Well, do those people have... - Hi, Grammy
- Uncle David. - Hi.
Uh, Mom, you're up.
Prepare to dazzle.
- All right. - Oh, good. You got your folder.
I'm ready for you. Okay, look at this.
Now, these are my four grandparents.
This is Grandpa Heinrich who was born in 1855,
and this is Grandma Annalise, born in 1891.
And these are my other grandparents...
Wait, how old was Annalise when they got married?
Oh, well, they got married in 1905, so...
- So... - So she was 14.
- And he was like 55. - Yeah.
- Oh. - It was a different time.
A time of pedophilia?
Oh, stop it.
Mom, we need to go back 1,000 generations.
Your parents will be
old enough I am sure.
Fine. Now, these are my parents.
I love this picture.
It's a great picture.
Okay, this is Great Grandma Ava and Great Grandpa Peter,
and they were born in Germany.
This is Uncle David's and my grandparents.
When did they move to California?
Well, they briefly moved to Buenos Aires after the war,
and then they came to California in 1947,
which is where I was born, which makes you,
one, two, three, third generation Californian.
So things weren't going well for Grandma and Grandpa
in Germany after World War II,
and then they went to Argentina?
Mmm-hmm, I think they had an opportunity there.
Mom, what side were your parents on?
Were they traveling to Argentina?
Or were they fleeing?
Fleeing?
Well, there was a certain group of people
who after the war had to take a vacation
to Argentina in order to...
- Lay low. - Yeah.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
Well, I don't think the kids are gonna notice the dates.
I don't think the children will,
but Mr. Castellati's mustache tells me
he's very well-versed in war crime trivia.
Mom, let's just start your family tree,
Los Angeles, 1947.
Okay, I have a lot of good things about that.
Well, anything will be better than what you just revealed.
Is this one of their relatives?
I don't know who that is.
She has a certain...
German look?
I just feel like she's probably close related to Ava.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm not sure Amelia's presentation can rest solely
on my mom's Van Nuys High School years.
I feel like her near miss pregnancy her senior year
of high school is just like an opener at best.
Poland's starting to look like our best bet.
Not a sentence that rolls off the tongue.
Noted.
Why is this tank top in my hands?
I don't know.
I must have thrown it in the hamper.
Were you looking for the trash but missed?
Why is this even in our lives?
Just give it to me. Come on.
Oh, my god.
By the way, I can be at the hospital by 11 tomorrow.
Oh, perfect.
I actually will probably still be under.
It is a three hour surgery.
- Three hours? Jesus. - I know. I don't love it.
Just know that if I do not make it through alive,
which is an option, I want you to find someone else.
Good to know.
But like, uncomfortably fast.
Thank you.
Like, I want you to bring a plus one to my funeral.
Really get people talkin'.
Oh, I think people will be okay with it.
That's fair.
You know,
tonight is your last night
with a four-breasted woman.
- Mmm-hmm. - So,
maybe you have a couple of things
that you've thought about trying
but have been too nervous to ask.
I think I'm gonna pass.
Yeah, you know what?
You might want to rest up because after the surgery,
I'm gonna be buying some pretty sexy lingerie
to accentuate what I'm gonna be bringing to the table.
Yeah, like what?
I imagine it's just like turtleneck with holes,
kind of like crotchless panties but for arm pits.
Are you purposely trying to make me not attracted to you?
Yes, I do.
Is it working?
I never understood why that's a goal.
I feel like it's obvious.
- It's not. - It's not?
What if every night when I get into bed,
I just go....
I might like that.
Oh, fuck, you make this very difficult actually.
What are you saying to me?
What do you mean you don't do fiction?
Well, look, I don't like narratives.
Oh, Jesus.
They're distracting to me, and I can
never relate to the main character.
Wait, you watch every Jason Statham movie?
The Transporter, that's a character you feel a kinship with?
His name is Frank Martin.
Okay, If I like down in the street right now,
do you promise to back up over me?
I'm not gonna kill you, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, for real right now?
Look at this.
Pull up, pull up, pull up.
Jesus Christ, come on.
Hi, excuse me.
We were actually waiting for this spot if you could move.
What, you don't see us?
Ma'am, we're blocking your door.
You can't get out.
There's nowhere for you to go.
I know that you can hear and see me.
I'm looking right at you.
Hello?
Okay, well, we're not moving,
so I don't know where we go from here?
Are you shitting me?
- Dude? - No.
You're crawling out of your...
- You can't do that. - That was our spot.
Just take another spot.
- What the fuck? - Jesus Christ.
- Fuck you. - I guess that's it.
I'm gonna spend another ten minutes
- looking for a parking spot. - I guess that's our life.
You know what?
I'm starting to see how we're related.
It's our fury.
Aw.
That German blood.
Those relatives were really mad.
I think we can agree they took things too far.
Yes.
Not to ruin our Nazi fun,
but you actually don't have to park.
You can just drop me off in front.
- It's fine. - Get the hell out of here.
In the mid, you're not even gonna pull over?
All right, fine.
We're good.
Bye.
Bye, bye.
Five stars, five stars please.
Hi, Ms. Warren. I'm Dr. Walsh.
I'll be your anesthesiologist today.
Oh, wonderful, hi.
So I'm in charge of putting you to sleep
and arguably more important, bringing you back out.
Well, there's no rush.
I took the whole day so...
Lucky you.
- What do you do? - I'm in comedy. I'm a writer.
Oh, really, you know who I just recently put under?
Eddie Murphy.
Oh, cool.
You remember Delirious?
I do.
Holds up.
Does it?
Lemonade, that cool refreshing drink.
That was a good bit.
A lot of it hasn't aged as gracefully I would say.
- Morning. - Hi.
How are you feeling?
Ah, good, a little nervous.
Ready to bid these friends adieu.
I'm sure.
Well, I'm just gonna mark you up,
and then we'll be ready to go.
Oh, okay, yeah.
I'll give you guys some privacy.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, you're gonna see it all in ten minutes anyway,
but I'll be drugged, which makes it better.
You know what I mean?
So feel free to really load it up.
I will put you on the high octane.
- Well, he's lovely. - Yeah.
All right.
Sorry.
Dr. Nufeld, my eyes are up here, please.
- Okay. - How dare you.
Honey, how are you feeling?
Pretty good.
A little, mmm, a little thirsty.
Why don't I get your wife some ice chips?
Thanks.
Oh, your wife.
Your wife's a bigfoot, isn't she?
What?
That's why the bitch's mustache is so motherfucking thick
'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak.
What is happening right now?
Remember?
Eddie Murphy, Delirious?
Holds up?
I don't think I was there for that.
Dr. Nufeld will be right in.
Thank you.
Oh.
I will say if Dr. Walsh had been here,
that would have killed.
- Oh, okay. - Oh, ow.
Lie back down.
Okay, oh.
I don't know if you'll remember this,
but I spoke with the doctor after the surgery,
and she said that everything went very well.
Oh, good, okay, good, good.
And one thing she did recommend
for your recovery is butt sex.
Really?
Wow, well, that's unconventional.
That's what I said?
Did you?
- Yeah. - You said that?
I said, that's unconventional.
- Wow. - But then she's the doctor.
Yeah, no, obviously, she's excellent.
I would never second guess her.
You know, when she comes back in,
I'll just have her walk me through it.
Oh, no, no, no. We don't need to bother her with that.
I don't think she's gonna be bothered by it.
I feel like, you know, this is kind of what she does.
It was super straight forward. She was like, butt sex...
Butt sex.
And that's all you need.
- You know, great. - Good, you're up.
- How are you feeling? - I think pretty good.
I'm a little sore but good.
Well, I'm really pleased with how everything went, yeah.
In fact, you can just head home
as soon as you're feeling up to it.
I'll see you back here in two weeks.
Perfect, thank you.
Oh, actually, Mike, didn't you have something
- that you wanted to ask Dr. Nufeld? - No.
Really? Really?
Something about my recovery process?
Sorry, I'm still a little groggy.
Just repeat back to me verbatim what you said earlier.
Uh, I just, hmm.
I mean, like right before the doctor walked in.
I don't know what you're referring to.
It was something.
It was an unconventional recovery prescription.
- Unconventional recovery prescription? - Icing?
Icing, lots of icing.
- Yeah, we'll do some icing. - We'll do some...
Was there any icing for like other different parts of my
body that you wouldn't normally associate with this surgery?
Like, on the more backside of my body?
No.
We can email you later if we have any questions.
- Thank you so much. - If we remember, we'll email you.
Great. That's perfect.
- Thank you again. - Thank you so much.
I wonder what happens if I pull this plug.
I come back bigger and better than ever.
Mmm, maybe then this plug?
No, that one kills me.
Then I will be dead.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Do you want anything else?
Are you comfortable?
Other than feeling like my armpits
have been replaced with lime covered cheese graters,
I'm doing all right.
I will say your condition seemed
to have wowed the surgical ward.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't love how every single nurse on the floor
at some point stopped in to say hi.
Yeah.
A hospital is not the place where I want to be considered interesting.
- No. - Oh, god.
Why don't you put your iPad down?
- You're not supposed to move your arms. - I know.
I have to find a recipe that's interesting
to six-year-olds for Amelia's Polish presentation.
'Cause I will tell you.
Their clothes and music are not lighting the world on fire.
I'm starting to run out of Polish things
to pretend to give a shit about.
Isn't there a Polish treat or something?
There's like a donut thing called a pass-key or pash-key.
Do you know how to make donuts?
Yeah, Mike, I know how to make a fucking donut.
Okay.
- No, I do not know. - I don't think so.
But it's eggs, sugar, salt, confiture.
What is confiture?
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, my god, I cannot take on a specialty store right now.
Confiture?
Hi, honey, how are you feeling?
Hi.
A little better.
Oh, fuck my ass.
Well.
Sorry, apparently, it's part of my prescribed recovery.
Ask Mike.
He knows all the details.
Nope, not going to.
Mom, I need you.
Are those the words that send tingles up your spine.
Finally, it warms the shackles of my heart.
The shackles?
Cockles, it warms the cockles of my heart.
By the way, shackles makes more sense.
Okay, Mom, Poland is a disaster.
I know obviously we have to avoid
all mention of your mom's side of the family,
but what about your dad's?
What do you got?
Oh, no, I don't think that's
the direction that you want to go.
Okay, why?
Well, you know, my grandfather on that side
had a rather large tobacco farm
outside of Richmond, Virginia.
And it was labor intensive.
Oh, my god.
What?
Okay, you know what?
If I don't commit a sex crime and I don't murder anyone,
no one's ever going to check my DNA.
We're Greek. I'm making baklava.
I think that's the right choice.
Yes, and Mom, this was on you to end your family's
international reign of terror.
I'm glad David and I exist,
but you really should have died childless.
It's not too late.
Are you planning on murdering me and David?
Well, don't worry about it.
Oh, sounds like you might get your
plus one sooner rather than later.
Sounds like it.
Just so you know, I have a couple of names out,
but they are uncomfortably young.
Great, looking forward to it.
Okay, you might know a few of them
'cause they're in Amelia's class.
I don't think you should joke about that.
And that's why I like being Greek.
And in Greece, they love to dance, opa.
They do like to dance.
That is true. We love to dance.
We definitely made the right decision.
You know, if I didn't know better,
I would say Amelia's had a little work done in this region.
I'm not doing this.
There's no way those pits are real.
I should have used her doctor.
I really messed up going with Ruth.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com