Oh, I hate when they're all locked up.
Me too.
I've already asked the lady.
Oh, great, thank you.
Hi!
Hope you haven't been waiting long.
Oh, no, all good.
Which ones were you looking for?
You were here first, you go ahead.
- Oh, thanks. - Yeah.
Could I just get the black ones?
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --
Daddy, we need bread, eggs and apples.
Wait, did you just read that?
- Yep. - Ooh!
You are really reading, you are like a real reader,
- this is a big deal, bubs. - It's a huge deal.
But unfortunately we will have to start
shrinking your brain, so Mike, grab her head.
- Yep, got it. - No!
Alright, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it!
Also please get dressed.
I can't believe that, that's amazing.
I know, right?
I mean, she was actually like reading
a real book this morning
and she didn't just memorize the words in the right order,
like I tried to fuck with her and skipped a few pages,
she was onto me.
She is lucky to have you.
We've gotta get her a couple of books for that drive
- to Santa Barbara. - When are we going
- to Santa Barbara? - You know, in two weeks
for the long weekend.
Oh, you didn't tell me.
We talked about it
at that horrible fundraiser thing, remember.
Oh, so Brian knows about the trip to Santa Barbara?
Yes, you were not there.
Well, I'd love to ask you a question.
- Go for it, what's up? - Would you like to go
to Santa Barbara in two weeks?
Oh, sounds lovely, sure.
- Sorry. - That makes me feel better about
forgetting to tell you about my work retreat.
- What, what's happening? - This?
- Yeah. - It's just me adorably waving to you,
- Oh. - from the seperate islands
- we now apparently live on. - Great.
Actually they're probably further away,
so I probably should need to do like one of these.
Remember when we used to spend time together?
I'm wearing that tank top on my island.
No, you are not bringing that goddamn tank top
to your island, okay.
I am going to build a boat,
sail to your island in the dead of night,
find that horrible tank top, put it in my boat,
light the boat on fire, push it out to sea
and then swim with the sharks back to my island.
Why would you do that?
We'd finally be together.
You know why?
Because you need to learn from your mistakes,
Michael Reginald Harris.
That is not my middle name.
Actually it is now, I changed it two weeks ago.
I forgot to tell you, Brian knows, hear that?
- Yeah. - Call back
to the Santa Barbara trip, see you in Santa Barbs.
So this 18-year old and I stood there for quite a while.
Why are you even buying condoms, you're married?
Because Mike comes so fast, it just slows everything down.
I guessed that, I guessed that.
- No, that is not true. - No?
- I don't. - You're right, you're right,
he comes so slowly, that it's hard to watch.
I forgot how brutal these poker games are.
- I wish I had that luxury. - Hm.
No, she went off the pill, it was her choice.
Mike, how dare you share my personal information.
- Yeah, okay. - You should get an IUD.
- Really? - Yeah,
I went out with this girl, who had an IUD
and it's the best thing, because she's basically saying,
"Hey, let's rod dog it, bro."
- Oh. - Ugh!
Okay, I am loathe to admit this after your cool,
let's rod dog it, bro, turn of phrase,
but I'm actually thinking of getting an IUD.
Oh, wow, my Mom has an IUD.
Your mother is dead, Brandon.
Well, she asked to be buried with it.
- Ah, Jesus. - That actually makes sense,
- they can be very expensive. - Hm-mm.
Do you think we can dig hers up
and just throw it up in me?
Oh, you know what, maybe.
- Really? - Yeah, tomorrow
let's go to the cemetery and ask her ourselves.
Great, I look forward to that.
It will have to be though in the afternoon,
because not to brag, I am meeting our washing machine
repairman from the home warranty company tomorrow.
You're still dealing with that?
Yes, for the past six weeks.
Aren't we just getting a new washer?
I will let the Earth crash into the sun,
before I get a new washer,
they need to fix it, this is the whole reason
we have a home warranty policy for this exact scenario.
That policy is a scam.
Ooh, a fucking scam
and this is the hill I am going to die on.
- That's the hill you've chosen? - Yes!
Do you remember when that happened to Travis?
- Yes. - He ended up having to buy
- a whole new fridge. - Oh, my God,
- wasn't he so pissed? - So pissed.
Who's Travis?
Travis from the office.
I've literally never heard the name, Travis before.
Yeah, you have, Travis,
he's in the office right next to me.
I thought Kelly was next to you?
Oh, no, since I moved floors.
When did you move floors?
Eight months ago.
You moved floors eight months ago?
- I did. - Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know, I should have.
Have you guys ever met?
Because I have a feeling you would totally hit it off.
I'm telling you right now, I don't think we would.
No, no, no, Mike, Mike, she uses condoms,
so yeah, you could do so much better,
I'll find you a lady.
- Thanks. - You deserve to R-D-I-B.
- Raw dog it, bro. - From behind.
I just hit a full house, but I'm gonna fold
after what he just said.
I'll be honest, I don't love that you and I
have apparently become strangers,
but not you know, in a cool way
like you work in a hobby shop,
I'm looking for a specific type of glue,
it's too expensive, you offer up your own adhesive.
- That's very specific. - I'm just saying,
I was kind of joking about the seperate island thing,
but doesn't it seem like we've been kind of leading
parallel lives recently without a ton of intersection?
- Yeah, it does. - Yeah.
But I think it's because we've both been slammed lately.
Mike, you moved offices eight months ago
next to this alleged Travis.
Well, at least you get to meet very real Travis,
before you die of boredom at my partners' dinner.
Oh, no, I plan on not wearing a seatbelt to that event
and hope I just get lucky.
Feel free to text a lot behind the wheel,
if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, I know what you're saying.
How do we get back on each other's islands?
Back on each other islands?
I think honestly we just have to invite each other
more into our lives.
- That's a lot of arms. - Yeah,
yeah, didn't love any of how that came out.
- It's still happening. - But seriously,
- like you know. - Yeah, no, let's do it.
Alright, I was gonna ask you this before,
but I might as well get some credit for it.
I'm thinking about getting that IUD put in...
- Hm-mm. - But I'm a little freaked out.
Will you come with me to get it?
Of course, I'd be happy to.
- Thank you. - Hm-mm.
And my vagina thanks you as well.
Well, tell your vagina I said you're welcome.
Mike, she's right there, please tell her yourself,
I can't always be your go between.
You're welcome.
I don't think she heard you, you're pretty far away.
Hm-mm.
Closer, closer, closer,
- closer. - Closer?
Closer, close, yep, right about there.
You're welcome.
I think she felt that was sincere,
so did I, yeah, boy.
_
Mommy, is this gonna hurt?
No, bubs, they're just gonna clean your teeth,
make 'em all shiny,
you'll probably get a cool new toothbrush.
Well, can I play camera on your phone, while we wait?
Oh, my God, well, 'cause you're so scared, yeah,
but for the record, I know that you're faking it
to get on my phone.
- Ms. Warren. - Hi, Dr. Fuller, how are you?
- I'm great, good to see you. - You too,
bubs, you're up, come on, hurry up.
Amelia, you ready to come on back?
Hm-mm.
Mommy, his breath doesn't smell like farts.
What, where did you, what are you talking about?
You were texting Kyle about his breath.
Oh, no, no, no, that was a different dentist,
that was my friend, Kyle's dentist.
He should come to see you, do you see adults?
Absolutely.
Great. You know, I'm gonna grab your card,
I think he'll be really happy
to know that that is an option.
I mean, you can do hidden photo folders, right?
- Yep. - Can't you just do that for text chains?
No, but I'm looking here.
Oh, it was so embarrassing,
she said his breath smelled like farts.
Maybe on the bright side,
the dentist will start brushing his teeth
or figure out what's going on in his stomach?
I've gotta say, I'm pretty impressed
- with her reading though. - Hm, yeah, well, I now get
why the government doesn't fund education,
they understand the perils of knowledge.
Amelia needs to never be on your phone or computer
or brain, how do you walk around like this?
- Like a fucking champion. - Hm-mm.
I did have to buy her her own coloring paper though,
she used to draw on the backs of old scripts of mine.
Please don't tell me stuff like that.
- What? - Seriously?
Accidentally reading one dick joke
is not going to scar our child forever.
I guess not.
What about two?
Is it weird that we're not gonna see Dr. Satkin?
No, this happens all the time,
these doctors are always birthing babies.
Oh, right, that's what they do.
Well, I mean, that's their side hustle,
so they can afford to do what they really wanna do,
the Paps.
- Andrea, hello! - Dr. Goldberg, hi!
It's been a while, how are you?
I'm good, how are you?
- I'm very well. - Good.
Steve?
Oh, my God, Mike.
- Hey, man! - Wow!
- How are you? - I'm great, how are you, man?
- What is happening? - Steve and I
went to camp together.
- What? - He was my camp counselor.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
How long has it been since I've seen you?
30 years, how about that?
30 years, can you believe it?
- You look great. - You too, man.
- Does he look the same? - Looks exactly the same.
- You look exactly the same. - Yeah, 'cause that's what
you're supposed to say, right.
- That's crazy. - Alright, Andrea,
you're gonna wanna lie back, scooch forward
- and throw those feet on up. - Okay.
Now you're gonna feel a little pressure,
- just take a few deep breaths. - Okay.
Alright, fine.
These are my fingers...
Hm-mm.
... and I'm just applying a little numbing cream.
- Hm-mm. - Okay.
So are you still in touch with anyone else from camp?
No, not really, have you?
I mean, I'm on Facebook with some.
Oh, okay, well, my sister and I
- went to the 20 year reunion. - Oh, my God, you did?
Yeah, you okay?
Hm-mm.
Oh, my God, how's your sister?
His sister, Alison was my first kiss, isn't that crazy?
- So crazy. - I know.
- She's doing great, by the way. - Oh, good.
She's an architect, she has two kids,
- living in Portland. - Oh, nice.
You're gonna wanna take a deep breath here.
- That's amazing. - Ready?
- I hear that the... - Ooh!
I hear that they redid all the cabins?
- Ah-huh. - Did they?
- Ah-huh. - How'd it look?
Ah-huh, it looked great.
- Did they redo that dock? - No, dock's the same,
a lot of fun.
- Are we... - Yeah.
- Are we done? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell me what it was like to get back on the lake.
- You know what? The lake is beautiful. - Tell me everybody...
- I'm gonna get dressed. - Okay, great.
- So... - Was Magnus there?
- Magnus was there. - Magnus?
Magnus was.
I still can't believe Steve Goldberg
is one of your gynecologists.
Oh, I don't consider him one of my gynecologists anymore,
now he's just your buddy,
who sometimes puts his hand inside me,
but you know, at least you got to reminisce
with an old friend, so that was a good day for you.
Hm, that didn't sound sincere.
I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't amazing for me
just spread eagle, while you guys chitchatted.
I think it was just a shock to see him there,
but you're right, that wasn't the most ideal setting
- for a reunion. - Outside my vagina?
I don't know, I mean, I have a Pap smear coming up,
if you wanna invite some of your college friends,
we haven't seen them in a while.
Okay, why didn't you say something?
What was I supposed to say?
Please stop reminiscing,
while you install hardware into my uterus.
I was aggressively trying to make eye contact.
I'm sorry.
I know, this isn't even about your obvious obsession
with my gynecologist and his sister and the dock,
we're just,
we're out of sync,
we're off and I don't love it.
Yeah, shit.
Oh, God, are we getting divorced?
Is this the beginning of the end?
Hopefully there's some stops before that.
Oh, my God, you seem panicked.
- Stop, no. - You're panicking.
I am not, but it might nor hurt
to give the old therapist a call?
I mean, I guess if it's a choice
between therapy and divorce.
Right.
But you should know that I think
the only way I'll truly be able to move forward...
- Yeah. - ... is if Claire ends up with her hand
- inside you. - Mommy, I can't sleep.
What?
Oh, bubs, come here, maybe you just need to snuggle.
- Here. - We'll get back to the
F-I-S-T-I-N-G later.
Hm-mm.
Feisting?
Yes, good job,
feisting, like feisty,
like we were being crazy.
Well, I guess spelling is done.
Yeah, we had a G-O-O-D run.
Was that a joke, like a spelling joke?
Yeah.
I don't feel like divorce is the worst option,
you know what I mean?
Like don't take it off the table.
I mean, try to get her to bed by nine, 9:30 at the latest,
otherwise I suffer tomorrow, when she's a jerk.
Ooh, 15 ways to stay thin and keep your booty.
Oh, Jesus Christ, give me that.
- Why? - Because I am throwing out
all objectionable material,
because of my daughter's newfound love of the written word.
Oh, that can't be all of it in this house.
Oh, God, no, please,
this is the stuff I would never throw out,
I'm gonna pop it in your garage, when I do laundry,
you might actually wanna make a little bit of room,
there's quite a few boxes.
Your washing machine still isn't fixed?
Nope, but I am currently filing
a small claims suit against them,
- so... - Honey, get a new washing machine,
it's been broken for so long.
Mom, it's the principle of it, okay,
it's about justice, this is not okay,
I'm paying for a policy.
What are these?
- Edward Penis hands. - What?
Every year at Halloween, these friends come out to play.
I should really try to get custody of Amelia.
I mean, good luck, something tells me
I can win over an all female jury.
- God. - Mom, muah!
Thank you for staying, muah, muah, muah!
Alright, I promise it's not gonna be a late night.
I can only smile at old lawyers for so long,
before my soul vacates my body.
It's fine.
Are you putting on lipstick?
Now, why?
For your husband, I always put on lipstick,
before Leon comes home from work.
You know what? Usually I would tell you to suck it,
but maybe I should throw on a gloss.
Why, what happened?
Nothing, just we're like a little off kilter right now,
but we're working on it.
Mike is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Wow, better than your granddaughter?
Well, Mike did his part there too, didn't he?
I don't love how sexily you refer to his sperm.
Can't help being sexy.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hi, perfect timing. - You ready?
- Yes, please. - Thanks for staying, Sharon.
Okay, you guys have fun, I can stay over if you like,
whatever you need.
Oh, my God, seriously?
Don't worry, you came out smelling like roses,
- thank you, Mom. - Oh, love you, Sharon.
Gross, put your dick away.
Mom, I'm actually talking to yours.
Ken, Linda was showing us pictures
of your daughter's wedding, it looked amazing.
Thank you, she's just become such a wonderful young woman.
- That's so nice to hear. - Yeah.
- I love that from a Dad. - And I have to give Linda
- all the credit. - What are you saying?
- She did all the work. - Oh.
- I was always stuck in the office. - Come on,
that is how we were able to afford that beautiful wedding.
- Hey, hi! - Oh, my gosh, Becky.
- That is a beautiful top. - I love that color.
So you guys have big plans tonight, hm?
Going dancing?
- Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah, I wish.
- I'm gonna go home and pack. - Oh, where you going?
Dan is, he's going for work.
Oh, that's nice of you to pack for him.
Well, if he packed himself,
who knows what he'd end up with.
I'd end up in Caracas with four shirts
and not a pair of pants in sight.
- It's happened before. - It sounds like it happened.
- You want another drink? - Yes, I would love one.
- Excuse us, guys. - Yes, good to see you,
we'll see you out and about.
So Becky packs Dan's suitcase,
- that's a thing. - Yeah,
and they've been together forever and seem very happy.
- Wow. - I'm just saying,
they may be, you know, horrifying gender stereotypes,
but they are in sync, look at them.
That's true, they are.
Without each other, Dan would be pantsless in Caracas
and Becky, I assume would be dead.
Is that a positive or a negative?
I don't know, I'm just saying most couples by this age
are a disaster, who else do you know,
who have been together this long and are that happy?
That's a good question.
Nobody but them and my mother.
- Oh, God. - Ah-huh,
so you ready for a life of just constant lipstick
- and getting fed in bed? - Not necessarily.
Well, then tick tock on this itch.
Alright, I can get on board with dinner in bed.
Fuck you, I will never give you dinner in bed.
So she's six, is that kindergarten or 1st grade?
- Kindergarten. - Kindergarten?
Yes, she's having a great year,
she really, really likes school.
- Loves her teachers. - Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, no, no, no,
he has sensitive teeth, so he can't have any ice,
thank you.
Thank you, honey.
- I saw that. - Hm.
- What are kids into at six? - Six is reading,
- she just started reading. - Oh, so cute.
- Yeah. - It is cute,
- little bit of a downside though... - I know.
- Yeah. - ... now she's reading everything.
Yeah.
We have a story about that, yeah,
Travis, tell them about the time with Josh and the Playboy.
- Oh, God. - Oh, right, right, right.
- So my brother, as a joke... - No.
... he got me a Playboy subscription.
Yeah, it comes in the mail, we don't even think about it.
And it's a Sunday morning and Josh, our son is 10
and I see him notice the magazine
out of the corner of his eye
and he starts toward it,
so I take three steps
and I just dive.
Ooh!
Ooh, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine and so I dove
and I'm trying to get there before he opens it up, right,
- so... - John,
- you're just, bleeding a little bit. - Bleeding. Yeah.
Here, let me just, oh, my God.
- Here, sit back. - Oh, my God.
I'll just put some pressure on that.
- Oh, just. - I'm okay,
- I'm fine, I'm fine. - I know, you are okay,
we're just gonna lean your head back.
Yeah, ooh, there's some blood.
- Oh. - Is he okay?
- He's gonna be fine. - Yeah, yeah, no,
it's a head wound, so you know, there's blood.
- I don't think this is... - Can someone see
- if they have towels, can you get that? - Yes, you know what?
- Thanks, Dan. - I need to put some pressure, I think.
- I will, put pressure, right. - Yeah.
There we go, yeah.
- Got it. - There we go, ooh!
- Oh! - Colleen, will you call 911?
- 911? - Yeah.
I think my fingers are in his head.
We are pretty much holding his scalp together.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- Oh! - Okay,
are those towels coming?
Colleen, he is gonna be fine.
Head wounds always look worse than they are.
They bleed, they really do.
- I can't thank you guys enough. - Oh, my God.
Should I ride in the ambulance with him to the hospital?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- Okay, yeah, thanks again. - Of course, yes,
let us know what happens.
Thank you.
- That was insane. - Oh, my God.
He was like really bleeding.
No, he was gushing blood,
- when our fingers were in his head... - Yeah.
I legitimately felt the heartbeat behind the blood.
- But obviously poor dress. - Oh, my God, terrible.
But we were like in the zone.
We were locked in, it was like we were performing
a little dance around his skull.
Right?
Maybe this is our thing, you know what I mean?
Maybe we've figured out our thing,
maybe whenever we feel disconnected,
I'll just hit someone with my car
and then we'll just jam their broken bones back in.
- Good. - Thank you.
It's important to find opportunities to connect.
Right.
I'm really happy you're here tonight.
Thank you, I am too.
I guess maybe it's good that we're not those people,
because if I were Colleen, you would have bled out,
- to be clear. - Oh, yes.
But if I was dead,
at least you'd be able to realize your dream
- of being a widow. - Mike,
two more years together
- and then you die. - Sorry, right.
- I feel like I've made that so clear. - You probably have.
Oh, my God, you don't think Travis has hep C, do you?
Because I have some open cuts on my hand.
I think Travis and Colleen are clean.
- I mean, if it was Dan... - Ooph!
... I'd be more worried, why is he always trying
to get to Caracas without his pants?
- I think we know. - To get a nice base tan on that dick.
I'm gonna wash my hands.
You know what? I'll come with you,
look how connected we are.
Well, feel free to seek out another bleeder,
we can wash clothes all day long.
Did they actually fix the washing machine?
I thought it was unfixable.
Well, turns out of you threaten legal action,
they can find the part to fix your washing machine
and they will come out on a Sunday, the Lord's day.
Well, congratulations,
- your perseverance paid off. - Thank you.
- Hm. - I will tell you,
I feel good about this,
I feel like they have learned some sort of a lesson,
not remotely, but I feel good about it
and the second he fixed it,
I canceled that bullshit warranty.
I will say though, kind of feel
like I've won Roe v. Wade again.
Travis is back home recovering,
they had to glue his skin back together.
- Oh, God. - Yeah,
that was a really terrible wound.
It was awful, again, thrilled we were there.
Hey, ask Travis if he needs a good gynecologist,
'cause I have a great camp counselor I could recommend.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah, you know him.
- Ah-huh. - Remember that guy,
- who was like right up inside? - Wow.
By the way, how you feeling down there?
Really, not terrible, like a little sore, but okay.
Where do they even put an IUD?
Does it go on the far wall?
On the far wall?
What exactly do you think that it?
The wall that faces the door.
What?
You know, you're standing with your back to the wall,
you're facing the door.
Then what's behind the wall?
Your butt?
My butt?
Yeah, your butt or your tummy?
How do we even have a child?
Oh, I didn't know if it was like a,
tilted in there, is it tilted?
- Is what tilted, what is this part? - This is it, this is the.
- The what? - The.
Oh, this has been delightful, thank you.
Are we gonna get a front load washer or...
Please stop talking.
- Okay. - Hm-mm.
Mommy, what are squirt girls?
What are squirt girls?
On that car.
_
Oh! You know what?
Those are fancy ladies, who sell water guns.
- Can we get some? - No,
they're very expensive water guns,
you have to buy them by the minute.
So happy we stopped spelling.
Yeah.
Also, why is that a .org?
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --