Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com
Good day! Care for some Olde Moose Rump Gruel
It is made from potatoes, water, and the secret ingredient,
a dash of prune juice!
(All gagging)
I wish you'd kept it a secret!
You know, a few spices could really jazz this stuff up.
No! The point of this festival is to celebrate tradition,
not change it.
Well, your "tradition" is a recipe for the runs.
Actually, we are commemorating the Great Moose Rump Flood of July 2nd, 1668.
Hundreds of people died.
Cheers.
(Gags)
Smooth.
Destiny?
Want to try on one of these traditional Olde Moose Rump bonnets?
No way!
These curls are not for covering.
Maybe I should give one to Matteo.
This humidity is not doing him any favors.
Hey, Finn. Check out this raccoon pelt!
It's over 300 years old.
So there's an elderly raccoon running around naked?
He's probably freezing!
Just pet the pelt!
Come and see magical artifacts from Olde Moose Rump!
It's rumored that back then, there were witches in town.
Whoa, witches are scary.
Come on.
From the looks of this painting,
the only thing they did was cast a "boredom spell" on everyone.
Make sure to pick up some merch!
I've got witch t-shirts, broom key chains,
and Colonial travel mugs, for drinking your gruel on the go!
And remember that stuff has prune juice in it,
so you'll definitely have to go.
This is the most depressing event we've had here since Poison Ivy-Palooza.
I liked that one!
I got a ribbon for Best Overall Rash.
Check it out!
"Evidence from the Moose Rump witch trials!"
Hey! Hands off!
(All coughing)
(Shudders)
Uh, guys?
I have a feeling we're not in camp anymore.
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
Okay, I have no clue what's going on,
or why we're dressed like we should be on boxes of oatmeal,
but I do know this is all Finn's fault!
Oh, sure, blame the guy who broke the magic artifact he was warned not to touch.
Yeah, that's fair.
(Stammers) Wait.
This looks just like that depressing painting in Zuri's booth!
Hold on.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I think we're in Olde Moose Rump!
What?
Hear ye, hear ye!
Hey! Hear me!
Guys, is that Zuri?
As Constable of the Moose Rump Settlement,
I must warn all citizenry that witches walk amongst us!
Crowd: (Gasps) Witches!
So keep-eth an eye out for any witch like behavior,
such as predicting the future,
communicating with animals,
or an odd fascination with brooms.
Also, cackling while yelling, "I am a witch!"
Guys, we're in a time period where there were witch hunts!
I think Zuri is some kind of witch cop.
So remember, if you see-eth something, say-eth something!
Witches get stitches, right, Bartholomew the Terrible?
♪ Witches! Stitches!
♪ Witches...
Finally, ye have arrived!
We are so happy to see-eth ye!
We're so happy to see you! Where are we, Emma?
Who or what, pray tell, is an "Emma"? It sounds dreadful.
Urchins today and their cursed slang.
It's not them! They don't know us!
We know you are the new indentured servants,
and it is time to work!
What? We're not servants!
We're kids! And kids can't work!
(All laugh)
Working is what children are for.
Why else would anybody have them?
Okay.
Something is seriously messed up here.
The only thing that will be "messed up"
will be today's meal if we do not prepare it immediately!
Come now... Matteaus.
Matteaus?
Don't tell me we're making gruel?
Like-eth, duh!
Pray now, Destiniah,
we have bonnets to sew before the sun may set.
We cannot risk letting any heads go uncovered!
What? Why?
Because an uncovered head is the devil's playground!
Prithee, Finneaus!
We must now journey thither to the hunt!
Hey!
Did you just call me pretty?
'Cause I think of myself as more ruggedly handsome.
The name of your inn is TGIG?
Yes, it is short for "Thank Gosh It's Gruel-day's."
I pray one day it shall be-eth a nation-wide franchise,
serving gruel from here, all the way to the start of
"the woods we shall not enter!"
Those woods can't be any scarier than your gruel.
How dare thee! My gruel doth rule!
Now, time to prepare-eth these potatoes for boiling.
Boiling?
Okay.
But, maybe I could add a few spices,
have some fun with the recipe?
We do not have fun with our food!
We are Puritans.
Thou art here to peel potatoes,
not give-eth me back talk!
Now, get to thy peeling corner!
Wait. Where is the peeler?
Peeler?
You know, the tool to peel off the potato skin.
Oh, I believe the word thou art in search of, is "fingernails."
I know every girl needs a little black dress,
but this is ridiculous.
Actually, every girl needs seven dresses.
When you plant-eth corn while wearing wool,
thou can get pretty ripe.
Still, can't we make something a little different?
(Gasps) Something different?
But these cover absolutely everything and show off nothing.
Why tamper with perfection?
Because these look like we're going to a funeral.
For the death of fashion!
Now, make haste,
you still have forty cloaks to stitch by sundown.
Meanwhile, I will take a break and read my comic,
Calvinism and Hobbes.
The trap is set.
Soon we will snare our prey,
a greasy, malodorous beast which loves to float on its back all day.
Sounds a lot like my great-uncle Bodean.
I speak-eth of the otter.
Although, is your great-uncle betrothed?
If not, hook-eth a maiden up.
I am not just huntin' otters, if you know what I mean. (Chuckles)
I do. And, "ew."
Hey.
Look thither! Our dinner approacheth!
FINN: Aw, look, that otter is so cute!
An animal? Cute?
Animals are food.
But they're so much more than that!
True.
Sometimes they are rugs!
Maybe the occasional hat.
People never learn.
Too late! That's what thou receive-eth,
for parking here on street sweeping day!
There you guys are!
I had the worst day at the dress shoppe.
Apparently, they haven't invented thimbles yet.
I got you beat with my potato peelers.
You think that's bad?
My boss keeps trying to get me to set her up with my uncles.
Ugh, this place is terrible.
I know, if we had to travel back in time,
why couldn't we have seen something cooler?
Like dinosaurs,
or one of those phones that plugs into a wall!
Maybe we were brought back to this time to accomplish something.
Like what? Slowly bleed out?
No.
Maybe my purpose is to teach these people how to spice up their food a little.
Well, maybe I'm here to show this town how to bring their fashion game from old to bold.
If I had my besparkler,
I could work some rhinestone magic!
(Gasps) Time travel? Magic?
I doth think those children be-eth witches!
Oh, goody! Can I give them stitches?
No! First we need to gather evidence for a trial.
Then, when we find them guilty,
we'll play our favorite game... Whack-a-witch!
Oh, boy! Whack-a-witch! Whack-a-witch! Whack-a...
Put-eth a cork in it.
I've brought more pota... (Gasps)
Matteaus!
What manner of devilry have-eth you concocted?
Well, by using some basic chemistry and local spices,
I made food with something called flavor.
Flavor? Potatoes are for boiling only.
These things thou hast prepared be-eth against nature,
they be-eth abominations, they be-eth...
The most delicious thing I have ever tasted!
What are they?
They're French fries.
What are French fries?
Constable! Welcome to thank gosh it's gruel-day's! (Chuckles nervously)
If thou have-eth thy ticket stub from the last witch trial,
Thou can have-eth two-for one gruel! (Chuckles nervously)
Cease thy babbling!
What has thou done?
Made pious potatoes into devil's fingers?
They're just fries.
Although, "devil's fingers" is a...
Mmm. Yummy.
I mean,
in the name of justice, I am confiscating these as evidence.
Oh, yummy! No!
Bad henchman!
You see, this is why people call-eth you The Terrible.
(Sniffles)
She's a meanie.
Tell-eth me about it.
(Grunts)
(Gasping) Destiniah, what hath thou done?
Aren't they adorable?
See, I belted this one to give you an hourglass figure,
so you can work what your mama gave you!
I do work-eth what my mother gave-eth me.
I work-eth this very shop!
Not what I meant.
I just think we could liven things up a bit.
Maybe even show a little ankle?
(Gasps) Ankle?
What would the men folk think?
Even my mother has never seen my ankle!
Then how did she give you a bath?
What is a bath?
No wonder these dresses get so ripe.
Anyway, we should dress the way we want to look,
not the way other people want us to look.
(Breathing heavily) I am shook-eth!
Forsooth, I need-eth my smelling salts!
It's no big deal. I'm just improving things.
Sometimes clothes just need a splash of color.
(Scoffs) The only time color is splashed upon these garments
is when someone hath eaten a bad hen.
But fashion is about standing out.
(Sighs) Thy tongue speak-eth lies!
Fashion is about blending in so nobody notices you.
It is about hiding every inch and if possible, every thought as well.
But why? Who are we hiding from?
(Bell dings)
Oh, yeah. Them.
Sorry, boss.
You know, you make it really hard to sneak around.
Next time I'm gonna hire a shorter henchman.
I tell thee, thy servant is a witch!
Finneaus? No way-est!
I think thou bark-eth up the wrong tree.
Doth he display any odd behavior?
Mayhaps a little...
Mm-hmm.
Has he shown an unusual fondness for animals?
(Owl hoots)
I am actually afraid to look.
Okay, Olivia Otter,
now you'll be warm with this baby sweater I bought for you at Wool-Mart.
Doesn't Olivia look "otterly" awesome?
Well, I have seen-eth all I need to see-eth.
Come, Bartholomew.
Not into the tree!
(Thunderclap)
Come, Finneaus, let us get inside.
A fearsome rainstorm brew-eth.
Storm?
Wait, what's today's date?
'Tis July 2nd, 1668.
July 2nd?
Uh-oh! I gotta go!
Wait! Thou art on the clock!
(Scoffs)
Ooh, I have walked 10,000 paces today. (Chuckles)
I can't believe that lousy Constable
won't let me take the women of Olde Moose Rump from drab to fab.
I can't believe she won't let me make the food here actually edible.
Plus, she ate all my french fries!
Guys! Today is July second!
Do you know what that means?
In two days it will be the 4th of July?
And the neighborhood dogs and I will all be hiding under our beds?
No! There's a huge storm on the way!
(Thunderclap)
And today is July 2nd, 1668!
The day of the Moose Rump Flood that destroys the whole town!
(Gasps) You're right!
If we don't get people out of here soon, everyone is going to die!
(Gasps) In frumpy outfits!
That makes it extra tragic.
Please, you have to listen.
Leave town right now or you will die!
Anyone who stays will be washed away!
Don't stop to take anything with you!
Especially your horrible wardrobes!
Hold it.
Are ye saying ye can see the future?
No, we don't know the future, we just come from the future.
(All gasp)
Oh, that's not better, is it?
What he's trying to say is that your future is our past!
(All gasp)
Neither of you are helping our case!
This is why in the future, they invent lawyers!
Ye three are trying to scare everyone away,
so ye can have the town all to yourselves,
And turn it into olde witch rump! (All gasp)
I hereby accuse ye of being witches
and place you all under arrest!
(Thunderclap) (Crowd scream)
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
It's witch whackin' time!
Hey, let us go!
Ew! (Grunts)
Is this a chicken bone?
(Thunderclap)
We have to convince these people we aren't witches,
so they'll listen to us and get out of town before the flood!
Yeah! We have to get of here, too!
I can't swim with these things on!
You can't swim anyway!
Hear ye, hear ye!
Ye may-est all be seated.
Still tremble in fear, but by all means sit.
Wait, you're the judge, too?
How many jobs do you have?
Four. I am also Applier of Leeches,
and Chief Tax and Tongue collector.
So, you collect taxes and tongues?
Yes. If you don't pay me your taxes, I take your tongue.
Your choice.
You stand accused of witchery,
how do thou plead-eth?
Not guilty! Not guilty!
Could somebody scratch my butt? I can't reach it.
In addition to hard evidence of your wickedness and sorcery...
Thou have-eth three witnesses against thy characters.
And none in thy defense.
Not true. Olivia thinks I'm awesome.
Tell her, Olivia!
(Chitters)
(Crowd gasp) (Thunderclap)
Behold! He doth speak with animals!
I otter smack you right in the head.
Silence. Seamstress,
did not the accused try to change our traditional clothing
to a more colorful and immodest style of dress?
Aye. It was just a few splashes of color!
You guys act like it's the 17th century or something!
It is the 17th century.
Oh, then carry on.
Hunter.
Did not the accused show an unnatural familiarity with lowly beasts,
and even dress them as if human?
Aye. Hey, it's cold outside! Otters are people too!
(Whistles)
(All gasp)
Zounds, this case prosecute-eth itself.
(Sighs) Innkeeper,
did not the accused change our wholesome, flavorless food,
using his black magic?
Aye.
It wasn't black magic! It was just a little chemistry.
Besides, you liked my fries!
In fact, you're eating them right now!
No, I am not.
(Gavel banging)
As Constable, Judge,
and the only person in town who can read,
I pronounce ye all guilty of witchery in the first degree!
(Thunderclap)
Take them away!
Please help us!
We didn't do anything wrong!
I made the food taste better, didn't I?
And I made your dresses prettier, right?
And I hope you've learned that animals are more than just food.
It's called change.
And it isn't scary, it's exciting!
Well, maybe the witches have a point.
Yes.
Otters in sweaters are pretty cute.
They looketh like hairy little children.
And I would not mind-eth showing a little calf.
(All gasp)
Oh, what? I have prodigious good calves.
Me thinks they are but haters.
And the food did taste-eth more flavorful.
Egads, I just realized that "Innkeeper, your food is bland," is not a compliment!
Judge,
can you not cut-eth these little witches some slack?
Pretty please-eth?
You make-eth a compelling argument.
But, I must make my witch-whackin' quota for the month.
Take them away!
No! Please listen to us!
There's going to be a huge flood!
(All scoff)
If they want witches, we'll give them witches!
I'm going to show them a little modern chemistry.
You were right! We are witches!
(All gasp)
Begone from this town,
or you will be engulfed in my witch's foam!
Behold!
(All gasp)
CONSTABLE: Run for the hills! But after me!
FINN: You did it! You scared everyone out of town!
Everyone in Moose Rump is safe from the flood.
Except for three people!
Who? Us!
Run!
We're not witches.
Hands off my otter!
Are you guys okay?
What's going on?
Well, the last thing that happened before you passed out was
Finn dropped the box from Olde Moose Rump.
Actually, the very last thing that happened was
you said, "If they don't wake up in an hour,
"stick 'em in a canoe and float 'em over to Camp Champion."
Hey, it worked before.
My guess is some of the compounds in this box fermented over time,
giving them hallucinogenic properties.
We weren't hallucinating, we were time traveling!
And we got put on trial for being witches!
And we saved the people of Olde Moose Rump from the Great Flood!
Time travel? Witches? Floods?
Throw in one of the Hemsworth brothers
and you got yourself a summer blockbuster!
So none of that was real?
What a bummer.
Yeah. I really wish we could've changed Olde Moose Rump
for the better.
What's to change? Olde Moose Rump was beautiful and colorful.
Yeah! The first French fry in Maine was made right here in Moose Rump!
I don't remember Olde Moose Rump Day being this much colorful
before we passed out.
Me neither.
I don't care what Ravi says.
There is no way we all had the exact same dream.
I agree! I think we changed the past!
And because of that, we changed the future too!
We can't prove it,
but it's real if we believe it in here.
Or is it here?
Where's the heart again? (Sighs)
Hold on!
Where is that painting of Olde Moose Rump?
Destiny: (Gasps) Wasn't this painting all gray and depressing before?
Good morrow, Hunter!
I have made-eth a present for Olivia Otter, for her new bundle of joy.
Oh, thank-eth ye.
But I am afraid 'tis not a bundle of joy,
but nineteen bundles of joy.
(Chitters)
Nineteen?
Otters are very fertile.
Do not sit in judgment.
Get thy fries here! Get thy fries...
Wait, what happened to my fries?
Beat-eth me.
You know-eth,
we have those three little witches to thank for helping us survive the flood.
And for helping to make our town so wonderful.
To the witches! All: To the witches!
Uh, just a reminder, fries do not grow-eth on trees.
Is anyone going to pay me for those?
No.
But I promise not to take your tongue at tax time.
Deal-eth. (Chuckles nervously)