Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
I need you to pick up Roy Martin at the airport tonight.
The Roy Martin? I have all his comedy albums.
He's like an idol of mine.
Front page, huh?
You're the talk of Wink.
Well, it's not the first time.
Girls Are Funny Too.
We interrupt...
Once again, my life has been preempted
- by a fucking tragedy. - Tough night.
I just talked to our daughter.
I'm not the one gumming up the works.
She doesn't wanna talk.
It's Benny time.
Network called.
They want to make you a regular.
You're rich, you lovable cocksucker!
Holy shit.
Synced & corrected by reggielist www.addic7ed.com
Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.
It's for my nephew, Jesse.
It's got a holster and caps and everything.
I just... I'm not really sure what he likes.
My nieces were so much easier to shop for.
What, are you kidding? He's gonna love it.
His name's Jesse, for cripes' sake.
I never went anywhere without mine.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Were you a good guy or a bad guy?
- Bad guy, always. - Mm.
I was actually on the Jewish Most Wanted List.
Oh, you don't say?
Yeah, right after a, uh, crooked accountant
and a deli owner notorious for putting his thumb on the scale.
So...
are you excited to see your family?
It's been a while.
Mm, I was more excited...
...when I thought they'd all be clamoring to congratulate me
after being on TV.
Now I don't really know what I'm gonna say.
Well, you just say, "When is your special airing",
Uncle Billy Bob?"
I don't have an Uncle Billy Bob.
Sure, you do.
Hey.
You know I'm sorry that I can't be there with you, right?
I'll be fine.
Plus, I get to tell everyone that my boyfriend can't come...
because he's working for Roy Martin.
- All right. - "Uncle Billy Bob."
Yeah, well, "working for"
sounds a lot better than "driving."
Yeah, but driving will lead to other things.
Like picking up his dry cleaning.
Dropping off his call girls.
Mm, clipping his toenails.
Giving him a sponge bath.
Oh, he does love sponge baths.
Who doesn't?
"Gosh, Mom, I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thanks for coming to get me."
"Oh, sure, honey. Be happy.
Happy to help you anytime. You know that."
Honestly, Amanda, y-you're not gonna say anything?
It's very important to Amanda
that you respect her vow of silence.
You hungry, hmm?
We could stop at Mel's.
Get pancakes with bacon. Huh?
Amanda's a vegetarian now.
- Oh, Jesus. - It's part of her healing.
The only way to free your mind, body, and soul
from old traumas
is by making deliberate decisions
about everything you do, say,
drink, and eat.
Change your days, change your ways.
Is there someplace we could drop you? Hmm?
I'm not here for me, Goldie.
I'm here as a spiritual mentor to your daughter.
So you break her out of rehab
so an hour later, she can get arrested
for shoplifting and possession,
like a regular Mahatma fucking Gandhi.
She stole tampons and a lighter.
We're not exactly talking Patty Hearst here.
Stop!
Stop, or I swear to Christ,
I will pull this car over
and slap the glitter out of you.
I see what you mean about her.
Let me say it in English. No!
Let me say it in Spanish. No!
Goldie doesn't book comics to play anywhere
not named Goldie's, okay?
Bye-bye!
Ooh!
Hey, Arnie, how often do you get that phone call?
All fucking day.
And no, we can't book ourselves, if that's what you're thinking.
I understand why you can't book yourself,
because you're fucking terrible,
one of the worst comics I've ever seen.
But why can't I book me?
Trust me, you don't want to play with fire.
Oh, that's right, only Goldie can do that
and get away with it, huh?
Hey, that's a rumor,
and we're not having this conversation right now.
Why are you so afraid of her?
I don't know, Manny. Or is it Edgar?
You tell me.
That's a fair point.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey.
You want jam?
I've got blueberry, huh?
This really how you're gonna play it?
Not a word?
Sweetie, I...
Don't you think I deserve
a little follow-up discussion here?
Your filter was gurgling, so I added a little water.
Nobody asked you to.
How long is Sister Mary Freeloader
gonna stay here, hmm?
It's fine.
I was prepared for the sarcasm.
Oh, I'd be happy to quit the sarcasm
and tell you to get the fuck out of my house if you'd prefer.
You really curse a lot.
It's like a sea captain amount.
Yeah, I'm the captain of this fucking ship.
I am not your enemy.
- Oh. - Goldie...
I have incredible compassion for you.
Uh... oh, you do, do you?
I think you should know that Amanda is very committed.
Committed?
To overcoming her trauma.
What kind of trauma are you talking about, huh?
You know.
What do you think you know?
She's a child of divorce.
Volatile home environment.
Absentee parents.
You know, the whole emotional kit and caboodle.
I'm going down to the club.
I expect you to be here when I get back.
Don't say a word.
And you, you can take your kit and caboodle
and take a hike on the freeway.
You and your kit and caboodle,
you can go and take a hike.
Yum, yum, yum.
Oh, I make it into your diary?
Uh, no, you know,
I'm just, uh, working on some new stuff.
What do you got?
You really wanna...
- Pretty please? - Right.
Let's see what we got.
Um...
So my mother wasn't a very supportive woman.
Um, one night after my act,
she told relatives that the club owner
presented her with a folded flag.
What else you got?
Uh...
Uh, "...not very supportive."
Uh, I asked her to tell me about the birds and the bees,
and she said, "Why? What's it to you?"
What else?
I could never seem to please my mother no matter what I did.
Whenever I disappointed her, she'd scold me
and ask why I couldn't be more like my imaginary friend.
What else?
- Um... - Move.
Oh.
When I was five, I-I asked my mother if she loved me,
and she shrugged and said,
"'Not to play devil's advocate, but, uh...'"
I'm taking them for The Tonight Show.
Uh, but...
they're about my mother.
A very fine lady, to be sure.
I know what you're all thinking.
I look like a younger, slightly less syphilitic Ben Franklin.
"It's Benny time!"
- Yeah! - All right.
Okay.
Can't tell you how many times I get stopped on the street
and thanked for inventing bifocals.
You see, 'cause Ben Franklin also invented bifocals.
You know, a lot of people think it was just electricity,
but he actually invented a lot of shit,
bifocals, flexible catheter.
It's Benny time.
All right, our next comic you may recognize
from him selling you weed in the men's room.
Señor Manny Martinez, everybody.
Ron Shack. Let him hear it.
The thin line between celebrity
and being too lazy to get up and change the channel.
Hey, Mailman.
Oh, wow, Roy Martin. You hear to watch my show?
Not yet, but I hear it's a real piece of shit.
Goldie tell you how I like to be introduced?
Uh, yes, sir. "Roy Martin in from Vegas."
Catch him on Carson this Friday.
No! "Ladies and gentlemen",
we have a special guest in the audience.
"Let's see if we can persuade him to come on up."
Who's the special guest?
I'm the special guest.
But you... you're in the lineup.
You know, I think the best part of you,
your dad wiped off on the motel drapes.
- Right, got it. - Okay, good.
Now let's stick a fork in the Frito Bandito up there
so I can get this show started.
Anybody ever tell you you're kind of a dick in person?
Make sure you save me a dance.
...in your fucking dog, first of all.
Secondly...
Roy Martin's a real asshole.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Track it inside...
You don't think of the guy who's on his hands and knees
cleaning up the dog shit.
You don't think about that.
All right, you know what should stay outside also?
I don't want your watch.
You wanna keep your mom. I respect that.
No, you can have her.
Just let me write you more material for Carson.
I know your voice.
I've listened to it my entire life.
- I have all your albums. - I already have writers.
And yet you gave up your fancy watch for my jokes.
Look, before you start polishing
your new set of brass balls in public,
just know I have about 40 of these watches.
I've been smoking weed, crank calling them nonstop.
"Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?"
"I'm a bad boy."
"You're a bad boy? Is this a baby?"
"I'm a poopy baby."
"You're a poopy baby?
Well, what's your emergency, poopy baby?"
"Uh, I went poo-poo",
and my mommy's mad."
"Well, why is your mommy mad?"
"Because I'm 23 and I did it in her shoes."
"Hello? Hello?"
That's right.
What are you doing up here?
What's going on? What?
I've been up here for, like, three minutes.
It's not me. It's fucking Roy Martin.
Yeah, but I'm murdering with Poopy Baby.
- Manslaughter at best. - I was killing it.
All right, everybody,
we have got a very special guest here tonight.
I think you all know him. Mr. Roy Martin!
All right, Roy!
Listen, let me write you ten jokes.
If you don't like them, I will shut up and drive.
Let's, uh... let's see if we can't persuade Roy
to come up for a couple minutes.
What do you say, Roy? You cocksucker.
Fine, but come to my hotel room tomorrow night.
All right, is there anything you want me to focus on?
Any particular material? Mother? Mother-in-law?
Look, I'm giving you the shot. Wipe your own fucking nose.
Okay! Hello!
Roy Martin, everybody!
I still can't believe
that you got fucking Soul Train.
- It's incredible. - There's no way.
Rosa Parks stayed seated for this.
- What? - Apparently not.
Can you think of a better advertisement for Afro Sheen?
Okay, a lot of white comics go up on Soul Train.
I don't see what the big deal is.
What are you talking about, you don't see what the big deal is?
- It's fucking Soul Train. - It's Soul Train.
It's a major-league gig.
- Yeah. - When did you even find out?
Couple hours ago. Agent called.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you performing as Benny the Mailman,
or are you performing as Ron Shack?
What's the difference?
Well, Benny the Mailman is a punch line.
Ron Shack is a comic.
Is he, though?
- Sort of. - Seriously?
Is-is that the only bullet in your barrel?
- It's a good bullet. - It's a really good bullet.
- One-trick pony. - But besides the fact,
you should really listen to him, man.
This is your chance to show people
who you are as a stand-up, all right?
Separate from Benny the fucking Mailman.
Though fitting, not his middle name.
- Are you going with him? - Yeah, I'm going.
My agent feels like I should expand my circle,
so I'm just going to make connections.
And plus, the circle doesn't have Charmaine.
She's, like, the finest Soul Train dancer ever.
Oh, I'm gonna sop that girl up with a biscuit.
- Morning. - Guess I'm on California time.
- Good morning. - Hmm.
- Am I the last one up? - Uh, no, that would be Jesse.
- Aunt Cassie? - Aunt Cassie!
Oh, my God, you're giants!
What'd you bring us?
I think you mean "good morning."
Oh, no.
Oh, girls, I'm so sorry.
I was supposed to get you a gift?
Oh, no.
But luckily I did.
All right. Presents.
- Yeah! - That was a nice trick.
A Friend From a Foreign Land!
That's kinda what I am, huh?
- Where's mine from? - Thailand.
Wasn't that sweet of your Aunt Cassie, girls?
Are you famous? Mommy and Daddy said you were.
Oh, not really, no.
- Are you married? - Nope.
- Are you rich? - Nope.
How big is your mansion?
Winnie, your doll's from Sweden.
Eat, girls, 'fore your eggs get cold!
Jesse, let's move it!
Craig, you're gonna be here for the rental company, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Uh, Denise and Pam
are coming for a final fitting on our bridesmaids' dresses,
and I'm so sorry, Cassie.
It is a chore getting everybody fed and on the bus.
No, it's great.
It's just, you're my second tornado of the week.
Why aren't you dressed for school?
Look at you, little man.
I hate eggs.
Well, you get what you get, okay?
Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please?
She just got in last night.
It's okay. He's tired.
Tired's no excuse for rudeness.
No!
You can't get me.
Uh, hey, Jess, I got you something.
You might be too old for it now,
but if you don't like it, we can always return it
and get you something else.
No way! Can I open it?
Yeah, of course.
Let's get in there. Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Whoa-oh.
Mom, did you see this?
Mm.
Don't shoot your sisters.
There's a box of caps in here to make it even louder.
Oh, by all means, make it louder.
Thank you. I love it.
Welcome home!
Last night's little sojourn your idea or the Maharishi's?
Let's take a step back.
Let's have a nice, deep cleansing breath.
That's enough, huh? Enough.
So many windows in this house,
yet nothing can come in.
You did.
Am was feeling cooped up last night,
so we went out.
We got stoned. We connected.
We ate some tabbouleh at the Source.
And that's it. No big deal.
I'm not doing this anymore.
I'm not playing this game.
If you're back, I need to know
it's to get your shit together.
Take some classes. Get a job.
Hell, lie by the pool till you figure it out.
It's okay.
I will move heaven and Earth to help you.
But not knowing where you are,
if you're coming back at night,
I'm not doing it.
So if you think that's too much to ask,
here's a thousand bucks.
Do your own thing, set yourself up,
but I am finished being put through the wringer
so you can find new ways to fuck up both our lives.
Your call, baby.
Oh.
- Hey. - Um...
That's nice.
It's like... like your own personal peep show.
Wow, really committed to the whole box of crayons.
Dressing for Soul Train is like doing a backflip.
If you don't fully commit,
you're just gonna fall on your face.
Besides, guy Charmaine danced with last week,
brother was wearing a gold lamé jumpsuit.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
There's a science to a black man and his clothes.
All right?
We couldn't live in-in nice neighborhoods
because of segregation.
You had to set yourself apart somehow.
Nice car, nice clothes.
Look, to this day, a brother's outfit
says everything that a black woman needs to know about him.
Which brings me to my next inquiry.
I myself would like to sleep with a black woman,
and being on Soul Train feels like a perfect opportunity to...
sop that up with a biscuit.
Uh, so I was wondering if you might have
any tips you can give me.
Ron, you ever hear yourself talk?
Not really. I find that it gets in the way of the message.
Come on, please?
I mean, look, I got relatives in Tennessee.
You wanna sleep with a 20-year-old mother of four
that signs her Christmas cards with a X, I can set that up.
No, I'm good, but we do need to worry
about the material that you're gonna use.
I had the writers from the show send some jokes over.
Oh, lay it on me.
My character's really popular with mailmen.
When my mailman asked me to sign for a package, he said,
"'Make it out to Jerry, Thelma, and the twins.'"
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm calling to cancel for you.
Come on, man, that's the bullshit you're gonna use?
Benny the Mailman?
I mean, I got some of my own stuff, but...
I don't know, it's kinda out there.
Okay, well, what's out there
has to be way better than what's in here.
So let's hear it.
All right.
Um...
so it was confusing as a kid
moving from Tennessee to Boston.
Like, when my teacher told me that the Boston Tea Party
was a protest against the king, I was shocked.
I thought she was talking about Elvis.
So I asked her,
"Well, shouldn't they be throwing prescription pills
or peanut butter and banana sandwiches into the harbor?"
That's it. That's it. Come on.
Okay, how 'bout this?
I've been working on this all-white version of the blues.
It's about pain and suffering
and ruling the world.
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
- That's solid. - Yeah?
Now it's Ron time.
So this black girl thing...
You're on your own.
Ahh.
Cass, I'm really sad we're not gonna meet your Eddie.
Yeah, Denise was hoping that you bringing a plus-one
would take the focus away from the bride being pregnant.
So, uh, tell us more
about this fictional guy you're dating.
Well, he is very real,
unlike your long-distance relationship, Brock Rexford.
He may be made up,
but he's still the best lay I ever had.
Eddie's... he's really sweet,
and he loves me,
and he definitely would be here,
but he just started working for Roy Martin.
Roy Martin.
Is he that tall guy that makes the funny faces?
- Oh, him. - Oh, you know who...
- Well, yeah. - Yeah, okay.
But he does a lot more than that.
- Oh, wow. - He plays Vegas and...
- Oh, that's a big deal. - Oh, wow.
Sort of a big deal, but yeah...
- But that's him. - Right.
Pam, who you bringing now that you're single?
Ugh, not single. Divorced.
But I'm not bitching.
Larry did give me Georgia
and stretch marks
and a bladder that can't barely hang on to a simple sneeze.
And you're next, Denise.
Oh, that reminds me. I need that paperwork, Denise.
Oh, it's all filled out. I'll give it to you when we're done.
What paperwork? Denise's dowry?
How many chickens we up to?
No, it's just some legal stuff.
Um, now that me and Roger are getting married,
Sara's making us guardians of the kids
just in case something should happen.
Sounds like a smart thing to do.
Cassie.
It doesn't change anything, okay?
Jesse and the girls are still gonna know you and love you,
and you can see them whenever you want.
It's fine.
I-I-I get it.
"Stable" is not a word that comes to mind
when you think about my life, and plus, you and Craig
aren't dying anytime soon anyway,
so doesn't even matter.
Plus, you're doing exactly what you always dreamed of doing.
Dreams.
Aren't those the things you're supposed to wake up from?
You're gonna be big.
Craig and I were talking about it just the other night.
Did you even consider me?
Even for a second?
Cassie.
Don't make me feel bad about this.
You are doing what nobody else we know has the guts to do.
Honey, and we are rooting for you.
We are.
So breathe in slowly.
And exhale.
And just let it all go.
Can somebody get that, please?
Yeah?
Sorry. Uh, is this Roy Martin's room?
Hey, Roy, your hooker's here.
You might want to dim the lights.
Not a looker.
- Hey... - Again?
- A nine, king... - Check it.
Check around. Go. You don't want that.
Nice belt buckle.
Thank you. Holy shit.
- Tom Shackman. - Is that who that is?
Alan Lucas. I got all your albums.
- Can't return 'em. - What about me?
You're the guy who opened the fucking door.
That's right. Without me, he's still in the fucking hallway.
You got something for me?
What are these, cheese doodles? What's a cheese doodle?
Yeah, uh, you want it now?
No, Valentine's Day.
That way, we can do it by candlelight.
Of course I want it fucking now.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I... so I-I just... I riffed on some topics
you, um, tend to gravitate towards,
like money problems, depression, ex-wives.
Hey, look, we don't need the fucking foreplay, kid.
Just put your dick in and move.
The autobiography of Roy Martin, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a worst-seller.
My, uh... my psychiatrist has me on so many pills
for depression, when I go to the drugstore,
the pharmacist asks if I need help out to my car.
Way too long, kid.
How 'bout my psychiatrist gave me a prescription
for a noose and a bucket.
- That's punching it up? - Way too terrible.
How 'bout this? I spend so much time
at my psychiatrist's, he bought a pull-out couch.
So I could sleep there.
Put a sheet over it. Time of death, 9:18.
Who doesn't love a joke that comes with instructions?
That is the exact reason why you toil in relative obscurity.
Allow me.
- No, no, no, don't do it. - Oh, don't.
- Ohh! - Fuck it.
Bunt single. What else you got?
My gambling has gotten so bad,
I made a bet with my bookie on how many swings it would take
to break my legs.
- Okay. - I like that one.
Hey, hey.
Okay, we're building something here.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh, a little close to home. What else you got?
Uh, you know you have a gambling problem
when you go to the dog track
and a greyhound brings you the newspaper.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
We have a gunfighter on our hands.
- I like it. - Huh?
Hey, Phil, give him your chair.
Why do I have to give? I got the fucking door.
God damn it. Here.
All right, I'll be over there fucking myself.
Sit down, Eddie.
What else you got?
Apparently the short stack.
Yeah.
Are you bombing?
Well, different city every night.
Beauty of being on the road.
Well, I'm bombing here in Wink, and I'm not even performing.
Is there a word for bombing in life?
There sure fucking is. He's right here.
Bill, we talking about you. It's Cassie.
Oh, tell her I loved the comedy special,
especially the bit about the cow on the roof.
Oh, my favorite part was all the dead parishioners.
- Jesus Christ. - I'm just kidding.
Hey, you know, the same shit happened to Dorothy,
and, uh, she turned out all right.
Yeah, but she wanted to go home.
Damn, that bad, huh?
Well, it's like It's a Wonderful Life
where the happy ending is George Bailey drowning
before Clarence sticks his big, fat nose in.
Maybe don't go to the wedding.
Eh, it's in my sister's backyard.
My sister-cousin.
When my parents died... whatever.
I-I'm in the wedding. I'm staying here.
So I gotta go to it.
Hey, is pee-wee with you?
You got off your ass and came to the phone for that?
I was going to take a dump anyway,
and I usually kiss Ralph before I go poop.
- Oh! Come on. - My little baby.
- How'd you find us? - Your manager.
How did you get him on the phone?
That fucker hasn't returned my call in a week.
Maybe stop telling his receptionist
it's you when you call.
Very funny. How's Wink?
Great if you're into
the constant pitter-patter of little feet.
I thought you said Eddie wasn't with you.
- My God. - Oh, come on.
You have no one to blame but yourself on that one.
All right, here's Ralph.
Sorry about that.
We've been on the road way too long.
Oh, I missed you jerk-offs.
All right, well, I should go.
Everyone's already asleep,
'cause everyone goes to bed at eight in Wink.
What else is there to do? It's fucking Wink.
Say good night to everybody for me.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Think I've died and went to black heaven.
- Oh, please don't dance. - Too eager?
- No, too damn embarrassing. - Right.
Ron Shack?
Oh, she said that like a question.
Shut up. Hi, uh, I'm Ron Shack.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to have you on the show.
I'm Gloria, one of the producers.
I apologize, when I saw you,
I just... all I could think of was Benny.
No, don't worry about it. Happens every day.
Uh, this is my dear, dear friend...
You'd almost call him my brother... Adam.
- How you doing? Adam. - Proteau. I know who you are.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah.
Mind Your Damn Business.
You listened to my album?
Yeah, we all have, been passing it around the office.
You're really talented.
We need to have you on the show.
- Yeah. - Hey now.
Love your album, man.
White people's only black friend?
Hey, that's some funny shit.
Right on. Thank you, man.
Look, see, I got a friend.
He's not my only black friend.
'Cause, uh, I'm on a... I'm on a black show.
Not this show, not this show.
- Uh, different black show. Uh... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Benny time. - Yeah, right on.
Funny bit.
- Yeah, uh, Christine. - Yeah?
Will you take Ron to hair and makeup, please?
Christine will take care of you, baby.
Oh, great.
- Come on. - Hi, Christine.
You know, it must be nice making a little bit of money
at your age.
Just make sure you don't blow it all on nice threads.
You understand?
Be honest, these are all the nice threads that I own.
I ain't seen dime one yet.
Man. You know...
I was in the record business ten years before this.
Doesn't sound right, but familiar, though.
Yeah, producer said it didn't sell like they hoped.
- Really? - Yeah, so maybe
you and your friends can stop passing it around the office
and buy your own copy.
No, I'm just playing.
- He's coming! - Come on!
I'm afraid the single-man buffet's
a little light on quality.
- Hmm. - Some slim pickings.
Hmm, well, I'm dating someone these days,
so I was gonna sit this one out.
Good, because I thought if I had to compete
with both you and Pam, I know I'd be taking home the bronze.
And I do not want the bronze.
Don't sell yourself short, Janice.
He too young for you?
Oh, man. No, too old.
Oh, I had so much to live for.
You're fun.
I like the smell of caps.
Mmm, smoky.
Hey, I wanted to tell you something.
Can I get more caps?
Yeah, we can go to the drugstore tomorrow,
get you some caps.
Listen, I-I'm sorry I haven't been around more.
It's hard to get back here because of my job.
Do you know what I do?
- Tell jokes? - Yeah.
It's a little bit more than that, but yeah,
I tell jokes.
I had to go far away to do it,
find people to listen.
Kinda seems like a silly job.
Yeah, I guess...
I guess it is a little bit silly.
I would love for you to come hear me tell jokes one day.
Would you like to do that?
I don't know. What time?
I guess when you're older,
you could come stay with me and we could go...
No, the caps. What time tomorrow can we get my caps?
You can barely see my six-shooters under my jacket.
Nobody knows.
You're not gonna tell, are you?
Not a chance.
- Uh-huh. - Oh! Oh, yeah.
I didn't think you came here just to escort that white boy.
Oh, no, I'm just here for peace, love, and soul.
I see.
You know, every week, there's somebody here
trying to impress Charmaine.
And it never works.
Got any tips other than "just don't try"?
She's into astrology, so if you wanna win her over,
you just talk to her about her birthday and her sign,
because that's all she really likes to talk about.
Oh, whoa, we actually going over there?
Yes, why? What, is shy your new game?
I've heard your comedy.
That's the man she needs to meet.
- And are you a Libra? - No.
Well, you are tonight, 'cause that's all she likes.
Charmaine, Hi. This is Adam Proteau,
a very talented up-and-coming comic
who's just released his first album.
Hmm. You on today's show?
Uh... um...
No, we can't afford him, but maybe someday.
And he's into astrology, so...
I thought you two should meet.
Mm.
No, that's what you said.
I asked him to leave.
Yes. Yes, I did.
No...
No, you didn't.
No, you didn't. No, we can't go back.
Who are you talking to?
Her dad.
Uh, I-I have to go.
Oh.
So this vow of silence shit is just for my benefit, huh?
Her issue isn't with Sid.
Get the fuck out!
What are you doing here, hmm?
Some kind of vendetta?
Or is it a game?
'Cause it sure feels like a game.
Hmm?
You and Anne Bancroft playing charades?
Or is it some kind of Chinese water torture,
drip, drip, drip on my forehead till I go fucking nuts?
What do you want?
You want an apology?
Is that what this pathetic display is about?
Little baby Amanda
wants an apology from her mommy, huh?
Huh? Huh?
Well, I am fucking sorry, Mandy...
that your childhood wasn't everything you hoped for.
I was there too, you know?
Eating eggs three meals a day after he left,
and he gets the phone call?
He gets to hear you talk, laugh?
I'm the one who's owed a fucking apology.
I had no one to bail me out.
You try living under that.
You try getting out of bed with the world on your shoulders,
two cents in your pocket, and a crying kid
who keeps asking where Daddy is
and why do we have to eat in the dark,
when keeping the goddamn lights on took a distant second
to everything else you needed.
I am sorry that I wasn't there for you more.
I am so sorry that I built a life for you
that split me in two.
I'm sorry that I didn't build those butterfly wings
for the school play, or I'm sorry that,
Mrs. Foulihan took you to the hospital
when you broke your little arm.
I am sorry for all that
and the entire bag of goods they sell you
to define what makes a good mother.
I am sorry.
I am so fucking sorry.
I'm sorry for all of it
and none of it.
Can you understand that?
Can you?
I'm so...
I'm so fucking sorry.
Don't. Don't.
I'm a firm believer in astrological compatibility.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too. As-as a Libra,
I find that to be very, very important.
Libra?
Ahhh!
Fire sign, Sagittarius. I love Libras.
Air and fire are perfect together.
- No doubt. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so-so when's your birthday?
Thanksgiving.
Whoa! Okay.
So when-when is Thanksgiving this year?
Thursday.
Yeah, I mean, what's the date?
'Cause Thanksgiving falls on a different day every year.
No, it's always on Thursday.
Right. Um, yeah...
Yeah, but Thursday isn't a day.
I mean, it's a day of the week,
but birthdays got a number attached to them.
No, it's always the same day, just like Easter Sunday.
Oh, you're really pretty.
Well, so he's-he's recently divorced,
he's got no kids,
and I hope he's not expecting any from me, right?
'Cause this shop is closed.
Mm.
He does seem to like his bottle.
But he's an eye doctor. Ka-ching.
I'm willing to overlook all that, right?
- He's perfect for me. - Mm-hmm.
Why do all the good ones have to be cousins?
Mm.
What do we have here?
Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, my.
Look at Bo Peep.
- Oh, look who it is. - Oh, my God.
Is this a mirage?
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we're supposed to be in Tucson
with some midget wrestling, but we said,
Wink, eight and a half hours away, let's go.
You guys missed midget wrestling for me?
No, we didn't miss anything for you.
We came here for these special ladies in Wink
we've been reading about in the Pennysaver. Hello.
Yeah, where are all the pigs and goats staying
while things blow over?
Oh, my guys. Get over here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
I'm Ron Shack, and I'm white.
Actually, what's lighter than white?
It was confusing for me,
moving from Tennessee to Boston as a kid.
Yeah, when my teacher told me that the Boston Tea Party
was-was actually a protest against the King,
I was shocked.
I thought she was talking about Elvis.
So I said to her, you know,
"Shouldn't they be throwing prescription pills
or peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the harbor?"
So my Benny character is very popular with mailmen.
Yeah, that's right.
They love him. Mailmen love him.
In fact, the other day, uh, I was signing for a package,
and my mailman goes, "You know what?"
"Just make it out to Johnny, Irene, and the twins."
It's Benny time.
- Fuck Benny. - Hey.
Can I borrow you for a minute?
Your album is number 92.
- What? - I know.
But the producer said that...
Hey, that's HaHa Records,
that bullshit, low-rent label
that's notorious for ripping off young artists.
But my agent said that I just signed a bad deal.
No, even if you signed the worst contract imaginable,
they owe you something.
That's two and a half years of hard work.
I've seen this time and time again.
Okay?
It's the reason I left the record business.
Ninety-two.
And climbing.
Hey, there's a whole lot more inside of you.
Do you understand?
This is just the tip of the iceberg for you.
And it looks like you're climbing
somebody else's charts too.
...than any other workers in the U.S.
Turns out "it's Benny time"
could be three to five years in prison.
You think the black folks' invitation
- got lost in the mail? - No, it didn't.
Fucking Mayberry in here.
You wanna take a lap with a water pitcher?
Don't want my guests getting parched.
Pam, did you happen to catch me on The Tonight Show last year?
- No, sorry. - Yeah, I was on Carson too,
just, uh... just before Bill.
He was right before me. That's right.
Except Johnny called me over to the couch.
It's a very big deal, actually. You got the...
No, you didn't get the couch.
That's right, you got a seating ovation.
No, it was great for Bill, though.
You know, he goes home and his mom's waiting up for him.
She's just super proud. Big deal.
She has to stay up. She can't go to sleep at night.
She's an insomniac. It's actually very sad.
I know. I have to rub her shoulders.
You know, he likes to rub feet.
He's a big foot guy. Mom foot, yeah.
I like feet, especially toes.
"This little piggy went to market" is like foreplay to me.
Hmm.
That reminds me, Bill, I was supposed to tell you
to get penicillin when we got to town.
If I pick one of you guys, will you both shut up?
- Yes. - Sure.
- I pick you. - Oh.
If he tires easy, though, I'll come find you.
I can only hope.
Move along.
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I came once letting a man brush my teeth.
Okay.
Excuse me, everyone.
Excuse me. I know what y'all thinking,
"Oh, my God, the black population
of Wink just doubled."
There goes the property value, right?
My name is Ralph Carnegie,
and as you may have guessed,
I am the ex-fiancé of the bride.
Denise, you look stunning in that dress.
But white?
You've done some things, Denise.
That's true. That is true.
- I have too. - I always remember
what I learned on that magical summer we spent together.
How to sneak into an all-white country club.
And if anyone should ask, just say you're Mexican.
I messed with Texas,
and I lost a woman's heart,
but I gained a father's love.
Hal, where are you?
Father of the bride.
Or as he insisted I call him, sir.
I'm gonna miss our talks.
I'm always gonna remember those life lessons,
know your place.
Stick with your own kind.
Man's a poet. Cassie? Where's Cassie?
Cassie, I would have been proud
to call you my sister-cousin-in-law.
It's really nice to see where you come from.
And now I understand why you like peeing outside
with a beer in your hand.
To the bride and groom.
Neecey, I'm always gonna love you, girl.
That's my time, everybody. That's my time!
Okay, all right.
That's one of Cassie's funny friends.
So enjoy the cake.
I liked your set. It was funny.
Right, thank you.
You know, I was wondering if maybe after the show,
you would wanna get high.
That's okay. Thank you, though.
I mean, are you sure?
The greenroom's empty. It would just be the two of us.
Oh. Right.
Um... This is a little awkward.
What is?
You know, if I'd met you on any other show,
I would absolutely take you up on that offer,
but-but this is Soul Train,
and frankly, I'm here to have sex with a black lady.
You're so funny.
You know what I'm saying. Like, when in Rome.
Right?
You're serious?
You're here to sleep with a black dancer?
No. No, come on.
It wouldn't have to be a dancer.
Your garden variety black woman is fine.
That is so incredibly racist.
No, it's... no, it's not. It's the... it's the opposite.
If anybody here's a racist,
it's you for not wanting me to sleep with a black woman.
- I never had any children. - Mm.
So my undercarriage is tight.
Ooh.
- Tight. - Hmm.
I mean, you put a lump of coal in there,
I walk up three flights of stairs, and, boom,
you got a diamond.
Good God, I wish I had a lump of coal.
I'm staying in the guest house.
- Whoo. - Whoo, I'm sorry. Sorry.
That's okay. Oh, that's okay.
Second door on the right.
If you get to the...
The-the bathroom with the olive wallpaper,
you gone too far.
Tight.
Are you really gonna sleep with my crazy Aunt Janice?
Me? Me?
- You. - Bill Hobbs?
- Bill Hobbs. - You think I'm gonna sleep
with a crazy woman who I'll never see again?
- Ooh. - Come on.
Ugh, so out of character.
I'm going to. I really am.
You okay?
Yeah.
It's just weird being here.
It's not weird.
It's just normal.
We don't do normal.
Do you have any regrets?
Cass.
Hmm?
This is the wedding talking.
What do you mean?
You know, I mean the ceremony and the sparkly lights
and the "till death do us part."
Gets you all drunk and "what iffy."
Yeah, but what if...
what iffy?
Okay, let's say you have a regret
and then you do something that totally undoes that regret.
You know what you got?
What?
A different regret.
Mm.
Hey, hey, how you... how you doing?
Uh, it's Adam. Proteau?
Yeah, yeah. Um, I w...
I was just wondering if, uh,
maybe you want to go to dinner with me sometime?
Dinner.
Yeah..
Stop it, Jesse.
Jesse, stop it.
Stop.
Stop it!
Stop! I said stop it!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I'm really sorry.
- Jesse. - Sorry.
Jesse, it's time to say good night to your Aunt Cassie.
- I'm sorry. - Come on.
- I'm really sorry. - Cassie.
Cassie.
- Cass. - Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, all right. All right, now.
Wanna know a not-so-little secret?
Jesse's not her nephew.
He's her son.
You really should learn to keep your mouth shut.
Well, now you know.
Come on.
Next episode of I'm Dying Up Here...
I fucked a bum today.
- Who's that? - Dawn something.
As soon as Jessie was born,
- it wasn't about you anymore. - You look wiped.
- A little tired. - Why don't you grab a cup of coffee
- and we'll go again. - I've got something you might
find a little peppier than coffee.
It's Benny time.