Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
[GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
[GRACE] Ow!
- Come on, you can do it! - I'm doing it!
Ow.
I did it. I did it. I did it.
Congratulations, Grace. You walked the length of the couch.
Next time would you keep your hands out of my underpants?
I mean, what were you doing back there?
That is not the attitude that's gonna get you to the fireplace.
Well, what's the attitude that'll keep you away from my ass?
Oh, you are in fine form today.
But you can't get me down. I've got a whole day planned with Jacob.
Also, I am high.
Well, what's the big plan?
Are you gonna eat too much kale and pass out at a laser show?
No, it's not Christmas.
We're gonna go see the baby, get some dinner,
and then cuddle up and watch several episodes of Longmire.
For somebody that hates guns,
you sure do like to see guys blow each other off their horses.
Are we talking Longmire?
- Sure as shootin'. - Hey.
You know you have water damage on your kitchen ceiling.
- How long has it been like that? - I don't know.
Maybe since I got hooked on that Diet Coke/Mentos geyser trick?
I told you to take that act outside.
Then I have to deal with wind factor, bird strike.
- Too many variables. - Give me my pain pills.
Are you gonna be okay without me today?
I'm gonna be just fine. Nick is stopping by in a bit.
Oh, in your condition, you cannot have sex.
Only hand stuff, okay?
Repeat after me: Only hand stuff.
In a desperate attempt to change the subject...
this is a good one.
I read it in our book club.
- Since when are you in a book club? - Since Winnie invited me to join hers.
Winnie's the only friend I made in Santa Fe.
She's an extra on Longmire.
It shoots in Santa Fe.
- Shouldn't you guys be gone by now? - Right. Right.
Listen, I want you to promise me you're gonna get up and walk around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
To tempt you, I've hidden little airplane
vodka bottles all around the house.
Oh. Well, then I guess I should get started.
[FRANKIE] Aah!
Yeah, you better get started.
To the baby.
[GRACE SIGHS]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[CHOPPING]
Now you won't even look at me?
Thank you. I just want a chance...
[DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
...to explain!
What I said to Frankie was after a long day
and I had too much to drink and...
I don't want to talk about this anymore. Every time we do, it just gets worse.
But we have to talk about it.
No, actually, we do not.
You said what you said. You can't un-say it.
And I can't un-hear it. We just have to live with it.
I suppose I better call Joan-Margaret and tell her not to come over.
You will do no such thing.
We haven't seen her in forever and I'm very much looking forward to it.
So... we're just going to smile and pretend everything's okay?
Yes.
It kept my marriage together for 40 years,
it can keep us together for one lunch.
And I will work on not doing that while she's here.
Are you accepting visitors?
Are you tall, dark, and handsome?
Two out of three ain't bad.
Oh, thank you.
God, I feel like I've won the Kentucky Derby.
We'll have you up and running at Churchill Downs in no time.
But till then, Kooky called to tell me
we should take a little stroll around the room.
And to stop calling her Kooky.
Come on, it'll be very Jane Austen.
You know, I just walked to the kitchen and back.
Really? Is there something else I can do for you?
Actually, I am hungry.
I'd love an omelet.
Perfect. I'll have my chef come over.
He will make you an omelet that will blow your bra off.
This is how you do it, isn't it?
Nah, I got lots of ways to get bras off.
No, I meant the way you always get someone
to take care of everything for you.
Do you not understand what being rich is?
Yeah. I'm just saying, you know,
it might be nice if every once in a while, you did something yourself.
Well, all right, let's get that bra off.
Frankie said only hand stuff.
I know, she told me that, too. That's why she called me.
Still hungry.
Fine. I'll make an omelet. I've eaten a million of 'em.
I can reverse-engineer it.
Maybe just scrambled eggs.
You'll be missing out on my great omelet, but okay.
[BABY CRYING]
Hi, Mom! Hi, Jacob!
- Hi, Jacob! Hi, Frankie! - Hey, guys.
Oh, who's crying? Who's crying?
So, um... how's everything going?
Great! A little tense.
My left eye's doing this thing. But good. Good.
Quick question, when was the last time you've gotten any sleep?
When was the last time we saw you?
When we brought this little piece of perfection into the world.
- Day before that then. - Yeah.
Uh-oh. That's my girl.
[CRYING STOPS]
How did you do that?
I've got the touch. For babies and nunchucks.
Jacob, this is our little goddess.
[JACOB] Hey, you.
She's beautiful.
She doesn't have a name yet, but there's no rush.
She'll tell us what it is.
Maybe it's Frankie.
Now, how do we know that she's actually asleep?
Well, her eyes are closed.
And she's sleeping.
- Is this a trick question? - What if she's faking it?
Why would a newborn baby fake being asleep?
So she can hear what we're saying about her.
- Does anyone else smell cotton candy? - Yes! That's what that is!
These guys are unraveling.
[SIGHS] All new parents unravel. Don't you remember?
- Oh, my God! - What?!
My finger just went into her skull!
That was just the fontanel. It's fine.
See? They need me.
Can we just stay a bit longer?
- Well, I was hoping we might... - Come on, it'll be fun.
My fontanel never closed.
See? Fun!
And then you add the onions and the peppers and let it simmer.
Thanks so much for helping me with this.
And for lending me the pot and all the ingredients.
I want to make tonight really special for Nadia.
Look at you. You light up whenever you say her name.
I'm really proud of her.
She aced her makeup effects final.
Her teacher said he'd never met a student
that picked up varicose veins so quickly.
Oh, you guys are gonna do it so hard tonight.
No!
Why do you think I'm making chili?
That's the most unromantic food I could think of.
You're still waiting?
It's only a couple more weeks till her first birthday.
Then ding, ding, ding.
You realize how gross that sounds?
Her first AA birthday. God.
No, the "ding, ding, ding" part. What is that?
Have you noticed that water damage on the kitchen ceiling?
- What's it with men and water damage? - We're against it.
Breakfast for lunch is served.
Salmonella for lunch is served.
Did you cook these?
Well, I didn't want to dry 'em out.
Mm.
Yummy.
Oh, come on, they can't be that bad.
Mm.
Hmm.
- [GRACE CHORTLES] - Tangy.
[LAUGHING]
- You can spit them out. Here. - I'd like to.
- [JACOB] Oh... - Et voilà.
That's a damn good swaddle.
I learned how to do a tight roll
selling vegan burritos at Grateful Dead concerts.
Hey.
[FRANKIE] Oh, the poor things.
- There really is a lid for every pot. - [CHUCKLES]
Hey, you want to go check out Balboa Gardens before dinner?
Oh, we can't leave yet.
- Why not? - Well, look at them.
They haven't slept in four days. They need a break.
- What about us? - We can be together here.
I saw some Bagel Bites in the freezer.
And we all know...
that Bagel Bites are the prelude to a rockin' good time.
Well, I guess I can't argue with that.
Oh, we could watch Longmire.
I know Bud's Netflix password.
It's "I'm Bud," same as mine.
I've been dying to, now that we know who killed Lucian's wife.
- What? - What?
We don't know that.
Oh, yeah, right.
I mean...
we have our theories. [CHUCKLES]
Jacob, did you watch Longmire without me?
I, um...
might have seen a little.
What?!
[WHISPERS] What?
We only saw a few episodes.
Who's "we"?
Winnie. She wanted me to see the scene
where she's an extra buying potato chips,
and we got sucked in.
Understandable, it's Longmire.
But how could you watch our show with another woman?
It didn't mean anything.
And she was terrible.
I mean, really ate up the scenery along with her potato chips.
Where'd you and Winnie watch our show?
On the couch.
She sat in my couch groove?
I'd rather have you in your couch groove,
but you keep canceling trips to come see me.
Because I was having a baby!
[SIGHS]
Fine.
I'm sorry. I'll watch it again with you.
What's the point? I already know someone's buying potato chips.
Frankie...
You know, Grace asked me to watch Longmire with her.
No, she didn't.
But if she had, I would've said no.
Like you should've said no to Winnie.
I should've done a lot of things, like maybe not coming here.
Where are you going?
To Winnie's house?
It's a thousand miles away.
Oh, look who knows exactly how many miles away Winnie's house is!
I'll see you later.
Compliments to the chef.
I'll relay them to Toucan Sam.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh! - [CELL PHONE ALARM RINGS]
Time for you to go anywhere else.
- Go, go! I've gotta change my bandage. - Great, I can help.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no.
I need you to be as far away from this as possible.
Why?
"Why"?
You don't strike me as a change-the-bandage kind of guy.
- Hey, you didn't think I was an egg guy. - You're not an egg guy.
Because I'm too busy changing bandages.
Come on. It's not a big deal.
All right.
Okay.
I don't know what you're so worried about. This doesn't look so bad.
Oh, Jes...
[CHUCKLES]
Joan-Margaret, I can't get over how happy you look.
Oh, I don't just look happy. I am happy.
I am the happiest I have ever been.
No more being told what to do.
No more working for the boss-man.
You know, we were your boss-men.
Well, you know what I mean. I'm free.
And I don't give a S-H-I-T anymore.
I'm finally doing all the shit I never did before.
- [CHUCKLES] - I don't finish books I don't like.
I eat fried food. I smoke.
You don't smoke.
I just started. It's fantastic!
- Do you want one? - Yes.
- No, thanks. - I mean no.
Well, listen to me just going on about myself.
How are you boys enjoying retirement?
It's great. I'm starring in The Music Man.
And I'm heavily involved in local activism.
I don't know if you've heard, but I won a Tappy for my last show.
I did hear that.
You did?
No.
- Oh... - And I started knitting P-hats.
You can use the word "pussy" with me, Sol. I'm cool.
We've just been very busy.
- And happy. Really happy. [CHUCKLES] - [SOL] Mm.
Busy busy and happy happy.
And...
very, very busy.
Cut the crap, boys.
Let's talk about what's really going on.
Can we smoke on the patio?
- We don't really... - Well, try and stop me.
Did I pass out?
[ALL] Yep.
Grace, you didn't see what I saw.
It's way worse when you look at it straight on.
- Back me up here, Mallory. - We don't know each other that well.
- I thought you were the nice one. - [BRI] She is.
But luckily, the not-nice one does CrossFit
and was able to pick you up and put you on that couch.
What? I do CrossFit.
I say I do CrossFit... Aah! Jesus-ah!
See? It's not just me.
Well, at least I remained upright.
We are gonna get you up and walking.
I don't think I can walk right now.
I think she was referring to me, Dr. Kildare.
Oh, I'm sure you don't even know who Dr. Kildare is.
She's testing me. She's always testing me.
- I'm not testing you. And you failed. - I didn't fail anything.
Just because I may or may not have fainted
does not mean I can't take care of you.
You know what? I'm gonna text my physical therapist
to help you move around.
Your guy makes house calls?
Oh, he's got guys that make house calls for everything.
That's how he takes care of people, he just calls one of his guys.
Huh.
What? What?
The air must be really thin up there on her high horse.
- It's probably affecting her memory. - [MAL] Mm.
What are you talking about?
When we were young and we'd get sick,
you'd always "call in a guy" to deal with us
so that you didn't have to.
Who?
- Daddy! - Dad!
It's not that I couldn't.
It's that I didn't want to.
Yeah, you weren't exactly the kind of mom we could give our gum to.
- She made us swallow it. - What am I, some kind of garbage can?
It's like we're the same person. I was a shitty parent, too.
This is yet one more thing we have in common.
I was not a shitty parent!
If I were, my daughters wouldn't have dropped by to check on me.
And you'd still be on the floor.
Well, actually, Frankie asked us to come over.
There's a mom.
Agh.
[BUD] What are you doing over there?
I'm on Winnie's Facebook page.
Is there an I-Hate-Winnie button on this thing?
Who's Winnie?
Just some background actress angling for a leading part.
Where's Jacob?
He left.
- Is everything okay? - You'll have to ask Winnie.
No, I'll ask Winnie. I'm the one asking questions here.
Mom, what's going on? Are you worried about Jacob and this woman?
I don't know what I'm worried about!
I don't know what's going on because I'm not in Santa Fe.
I'm here. And now he's here, and I'm here.
- I gotta get out of here. - You can't go!
Yeah, what if I put my finger in her head again?
What if she's allergic to peanuts but she can't tell us?
- We clearly don't know what we're doing. - Here's a secret: nobody does.
Except for whoever raised Regis Philbin.
But I don't want to fuck it up.
You will, but you're good people.
No matter how much you fuck up, Faith is gonna be okay.
- Did she just name our baby "Faith"? - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
I think she did.
I think I like it.
I think I like it, too.
Hi, Faith.
We're gonna fuck you up.
[CHUCKLES]
Ouch.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, it looks so nice!
You look nice!
Thanks. Um...
I have sparkling cider.
Fancy!
[NADIA] Oh... Oh! Um...
- I'm in the way. - No.
- I'm gonna... - Okay.
[COYOTE EXHALES HEAVILY]
Is that a new cologne?
- Beans. - Beans.
- There. - There.
Yeah.
Salsa.
- You need help with anything? - No, no. I'm almost done.
I've got it all under control.
[GRUNTS] Oh!
Damn it! Another tomato disaster.
Smells in here.
Maybe I should wait outside.
- That's a good idea. - Okay.
Yeah. Um...
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Boys, "soul mate" is just a word.
It's actually two words.
Words, words.
It's like when you two obsessed over every little word
in those legal documents I typed up. I mean, who cares?
I'm sorry, but these words do matter.
Yes, but you just kept going 'round and 'round in circles about it.
Did you ever wonder why I had those liens on my house?
I'd imagined it had to do with your menagerie of exotic reptiles.
The truth is, I had a bit of a gambling problem.
You did?
Didn't realize it till I went to therapy.
It wasn't the liens on your house that made you realize it?
No, Mr. Smarty-Pants. That's why I needed therapy.
I was stuck in a loop but I didn't see it.
Just like you boys. And I needed somebody to help me sort it all out.
So you don't have a gambling problem anymore?
Oh, I do, Sol.
But it's much more manageable.
Thanks to my headshrinker, I only take the shuttle to the casino once a week.
By the way, do you two play the ponies? Who do you like?
I would like to go to therapy.
Try getting this one into it.
Our problems are exactly that, our problems.
And we'll figure them out ourselves.
If you could figure them out yourselves, you wouldn't be in this pickle.
She's got you there.
You boys used to refuse to file divorce papers to clients
who hadn't tried marriage counseling first.
- Nobody's talking divorce. - Not talking divorce!
All I'm saying is you used to love it
when the couples came back from counseling
and said they were giving their marriage another try.
So, do you want to be the couple that goes to therapy and gets things better,
or the couple that's stuck in a loop?
[COUGHS]
[NADIA] Thank you so much for this.
It was, um...
So awkward.
So awkward!
Yeah.
Listen, I really appreciate that you've been so sweet about waiting to...
I just like being around you.
Thank you. Me, too.
Good night.
- I should go. - Yep.
- Yeah. - Purse.
- Or I could stay. Okay. - Yes. Please.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[MOANS]
Let's do this in the back of my car. There's more room.
- Okay. - Okay.
Car keys.
- [CLANGING] - [COYOTE] Ow.
[METAL CLANKING]
What are you doing?
I am putting together this contraption for your shower.
Oh, God, no. You don't have to do that.
Grace, this isn't completely impossible, like scrambled eggs.
- There are directions. I can read. See? - [GRACE CHUCKLES]
This piece, obviously, goes right here.
Obviously, this piece does not go here.
We should let Frankie do it. She's gonna bedazzle it anyway.
I built a billion-dollar company. I can build a chair.
[YELLS]
Ah. Oh, fuck!
- Ooh. - [GRACE LAUGHS]
I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Are you okay?
- Are you okay? - No! It hurt like hell.
[SIGHS]
Jesus...
I suck at this taking-care-of-people thing.
Yeah, well, I'm not exactly a pro at it, either.
Maybe that's why all my marriages imploded.
Wasn't it because you're a bit of an egomaniac?
Yeah, that probably had something to do with it.
You know, you might be a disaster when it comes to taking care of people,
but there is one test you passed with flying colors.
- I did? - Mm.
You tried.
And you kept trying, even when you should have given up.
It was very sweet.
You know what I'd like to do for you right now?
No. What?
Go to the hospital and make sure I didn't break my foot.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing?
Putting together Grace's chair.
I wasn't sure you'd be here.
Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?
You said you were going to Winnie's house.
No, you said I was going to Winnie's house.
True. And now that I've had some time to reflect,
and given myself a good Del-Talking to,
I see that I may have overreacted a little bit.
Frankie, you don't have to...
No, no, I had no right to jump to those conclusions.
I trust you and I'm just being jealous.
I appreciate that...
but...
there is... something.
Oh, God.
No, it's not what you think.
But I have been spending a lot of time with Winnie,
and I've been enjoying it, but I feel really bad about it.
Well, you don't have to feel bad about having friends.
No, but it's starting to feel like it could be a lot more.
All the time I'd be spending with you, I've been spending with her.
So you want to be with Winnie?
No, I want to be with you. But you're not there.
Well, there are solutions, Jacob. This is the 20th century.
Twenty-first century.
Even better.
I can't do this anymore.
Okay, you know what?
I'll put together Grace's thing and, uh...
I have to bedazzle it anyway.
- I meant... - I know what you meant!
- I don't want to hear it. - Frankie...
I'm lonely.
- And I miss you. - Oh...
But I can't put my life on hold when you're not there,
which is most of the time.
Let's just go to Santa Fe right now.
We'll swing by Del Taco, get my phone, and then straight to Santa Fe.
But you hate Santa Fe.
But I don't want to break up.
And it sounds like that's what we're doing.
I think it is.
I think long distance beat us.
[CRYING]
[AL GREEN'S "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART?" PLAYING]
Oh, my God! Where's Jacob? I've got to thank him.
Oh, you can't. He left.
But I thought he wasn't going until tomorrow night.
He wasn't.
[GRACE] Oh...
Ah.
Frankie, what happened?
Frankie?
[GRUNTS]
♪ I can think of younger days ♪
♪ When living for my life ♪
- ♪ Was everything a man could want to do ♪ - [FRANKIE SNIFFLES]
[LAUGHS]
♪ I could never see ♪
♪ Tomorrow ♪
♪ I was never told ♪
♪ About the sorrow ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ How can you mend ♪
♪ A broken heart? ♪
♪ How can you stop the rain Falling down? ♪
♪ Tell me how can you stop ♪
[WOMAN] Okay, good night.