MAN ON TV:...now levitating.
(FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Who is it? - Isaac Hunt.
Open the door, Clifford. I need to speak to you. It's urgent!
Well, I say that,
it's not actually urgent but it is a matter of great importance.
Well, I say that, it's not really a matter of great importance.
CLIFF: What's wrong?
It's your magic. It's no longer the fashion.
What do you mean, "No longer the fashion"?
What do you mean, "What do I mean, 'No longer the fashion'"?
You haven't had a booking in... Well, let me see now...
Twelve years, batty!
Well, I've been a bit busy. I've been working on some new ideas.
Look, I'm learning how to levitate.
I've been to see Lenny, the banished wizard, look.
He's given me a video, a videotape of new tricks.
I've told you before, Lenny is not a wizard.
He's a fiend who can't be trusted with pensioners. You know that!
You know that! You know that! You know that!
No, no, they were all lies made up by muggles.
He's a wizard, I tell you.
Hmm, well, nothing he pulls out of his hat is gonna get him off those charges.
He wants to be more careful with his wandering wand and stray fingers.
I'm sorry, Clifford, batty, but I'm not gonna represent you no more.
I'm pulling the trigger. I'm pulling the trigger.
Your career is within my sights.
I'm pulling the trigger. Bang! You're fired.
No, no, you can't. No, I've been working on a new idea.
The kiddies will love it. You've got to see it. It's amazing.
Whack whack oops! Clifford, I'm not interested.
I have a cannon.
The cannon is loaded, loaded with your career.
The cannon is on my ship, a ship that sails the entertainment ocean.
It's choppy today. The sea is very choppy.
I have the cannon, I'm lighting the fuse,
the fuse is lit. Bang! You're fired!
Oh, no. No, no, please.
Please let me show you my new idea, for old times' sake?
No!
I've got a dirty hussy in the boot of my car and she wants a service.
I beg you.
No, I just told you... Well, I say that, all right, but hurry up.
I don't want that hussy getting cramp on me.
Oh, thank you, Mr Hunt.
You wait here. You will love this.
Hurry up! I'm giving you five seconds.
Ta-da! You see?
The future of magical entertainment.
(CHUCKLING) Oh!
This is amazing! Bing!
Where did you find such a creature?
Oh, careful, he's a bit nervous of people, you know?
I can see it now.
The amazingly magical Clifford Daxon and his nervous ostrich.
(HUNT EXCLAIMING)
This time next year we'll be millionaires.
How much did he set you back?
Ten bob. He was cheap. He's a bit demented, you see.
Thinks he can fly.
We're gonna go all around the world with this baby.
Osaka, Peru, Center Parcs.
You'll have your own website.
Every home with a Commodore 64 will have a piece of Cliff Daxon
and his nervous ostrich.
Here's to the first day of the rest of your life.
(CLIFFORD SCREAMING)
Shitstone, USA.
Cliff!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Okay, Gwynne, blow out the candle.
(SPLUTTERING)
Now then, as you know, we've been doing very well in the business lately,
thanks to our special summertime crash special.
So we've all clubbed together
and bought you what you've always wanted.
Oh, great! It's a porpoise.
No, no, no. Not a porpoise, Gwynne.
Now, have a look in there.
Wow!
Is it from space?
No, we couldn't find any wrapping paper, so we used tin foil.
No bugger's sent me any money to cane.
- No card from Mum? - No.
She hasn't sent him a card for 18 years. I don't know how she can be like that.
IVOR: Bloody Spaniards.
She's probably too busy churning paella, bullfighting and waxing her chest to remember.
Eh? Eh?
ARWELL: That's not nice.
Not all Spanish women are like that, you know.
You haven't been to Spain, boyo.
Neither have you.
No, but I... I watched Eldorado once.
Oh, yes!
It is a porpoise.
No, no, no, Gwynne. It's a tortoise. Now then, to stop the tortoise escaping,
drilla little hole through it,
pass some string through and tie it to the washing line, okay?
Okay.
Now then, Arwell, as you know,
tomorrow we are burying the amazingly magical man, Cliff Daxon,
and it has been requested that we do something magical.
And young Percy here is in charge of the magic.
No, you can't let him do magic.
He'll end up killing someone.
Don't overreact, twat boy. Leave the spells to the master.
IVOR: (SIGHING) Right.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, now, who's that? I'm not expecting anyone.
Lobster,
olive oil,
sweat.
This could only mean one thing.
Hola, Ivor.
Oh, my cock! I was right!
It's Fernando.
What are you doing here? What do you want?
And where have you been for the last 25 years?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
And where's the midget? Hmm?
Did he dump you? Is that why you've come running back like a banoffee pie?
Did Willy Wonka give him the boot?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Look! I can't understand a bloody word you're saying.
She said, "No, my boyfriend is here, too."
I say the magic words, piff paff poof,
- and hey! - Again, again.
Okay, okay. Okay, ready?
I say the magic words,
piff paff poof!
(LAUGHS) Hey!
You see, that's just horrible.
Hola!
Arwell, Percy, meet Fernando.
- Who? - Who?
Your mother.
What?
Hola, hombres.
Our mother?
Yeah. This is Fernando Thomas.
Who's the short guy?
I'm Rocky. Your mother's gringo.
You've got a fat cheek showing your Spanish arse around here after all these years.
Who the hell do you think you are?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm their mother. I have every right to see them.
ROCKY: I have missed my boys growing up.
I have missed their important developments.
Like the time they first ate Alphabites.
And Um Bongo. "Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo."
Will you shut up?
Speak English, woman. You don't fool me.
Oh, all right then.
You can speak English?
Sí, a little.
But I've been translating you for 25 years, you devious spoon.
Hey, don't speak to our mother like that.
Oi, oi, oi! She is not your mother, Arwell. I am, right?
- What? - Well, I might as well have been.
When you buggered off with little Nick Nack there, I brought them up.
I cleaned them, clothed them,
read them books, changed their nappies, breastfed them.
- Titty fed? - IVOR: Oh, yes.
(STAMMERING) Obviously not with my breasts, they're far too yoghurty.
No, I used to get the wet nurse, Suckable Nancy, round twice a day.
She couldn't stop producing milk.
She had teats like the Hindenburg.
Look, can we talk in private?
Yeah, okay.
I see the boys have grown up into fine specimen.
Wasn't there a third child?
- Gwynne. - Sí, I remember.
He was a very wise baby, with genius eyes.
I always thought he would grow up to be a very special and importantes person.
Where is he?
Outside, drilling a hole in the tortoise.
Oh.
So, are you an Oompa Loompa actor type thing?
Yes, was.
Back in the good old days.
What happened?
After Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in 1971,
Willy Wonka buggered off in his great glass elevator and never came back.
All the Oompa Loompa actors were left destitute.
I haven't worked since.
Well, I say that. I was hired to deal cocaine at a few Queen after-show parties,
and I had a part in Willow.
But it's been generally downhill ever since.
Oh, my heart bleeds.
Have you tried putting your head in an oven, you Ewok sod?
Percy!
Don't talk to Rocky like that.
He might be our stepfather one day.
He's gonna need more than a step to be my father.
He's not half the man Da is.
Sorry.
So, come on, Fernando.
What has dragged you back from Hollywood to my little old parlour, hmm?
You don't really wanna see the boys again, do you?
Okay, I cut the craps.
I'm here for divorce and I want half the business.
What?
Can midgets grow beards?
What?
Come on, Rocky. Let's get out of here.
Adiós, my boys.
(GROWLING)
Gwynne.
Dirty-talking Spanish sow!
What is it?
Your mother has demanded a divorce
which entitles her to half of everything I own, including the business!
She's insisting I buy her out.
And she wants the money in cash by midnight tomorrow.
- What? - If not, she's gonna take me to court
and close us down.
How much you gotta find?
She's worked out that I owe her one million Spanish pesetas.
How much is that in pounds?
Fifty bloody grand, including commission!
Wowsers. That's a lot of money.
How are we supposed to find that sort of cash before tomorrow?
I don't know.
But we'll have to put all our genes in one basket and think about it.
Let's sleep on it now,
but I want an idea from you all in the morning.
Don't worry, Gwynne. You're excused. Okay, boy.
Now then, this is the one.
Yes!
I'll see you later.
So, Arwell, what have you come up with?
Well, I've been up all night with my abacus,
trying to find a way to make a million pesetas.
And?
Well, I've been looking at your accounts
and I've discovered that not only do you have £20,000 in unclaimed Premium Bonds
but you are due a tax windfall of over 90 grand.
You simply cash it in, and you have well over the amount required.
What do you think?
Oh, crap idea. Sorry, Arwell. Sounds far too complicated for my liking.
But it's only a question...
(CHUCKLING) Percy, I see you have a bulbous Thomas.
Aye, which means I got an idea so good the Queen can wipe her little pink arse on it.
We are going to rob a bank.
Now, that's more like it.
- No, that's... - Come by here.
Right, this is a model of the village. Here is the funeral parlour.
We lead the procession to the bank here, thus,
we rob the bank.
We then carry on to the church here, thus,
where we bury the coffin with the money.
We then return after dark and dig up the loot
and then we go home.
Easy.
I don't think I can do it, it goes against my morals.
Well, I can do the robbing and you can watch.
Good idea. Now, then, in case anything goes wrong,
which it won't,
I shall be working on Plan B, solo.
I'll try to romance Fernando, work the old charm,
maybe slip her some of my roaring lion's bunkum, for old times' sake
and try to convince her to change her mind.
Excellent. Who knows, if Da manages to change Mum's Spaniard mind,
we might get to keep the looty all to ourselves!
Now then, one more question.
Now, on the map I can see the church, the funeral parlour and the bank.
But what in the name of the Academy Award-winning Whoopi Goldberg is that?
PERCY: Ah, that's just a vision I had.
It's probably nothing.
Oh.
Okay, boys, battle stations!
ALL: Battle stations!
(GWYNNE PLAYING ONE-MAN BAND)
PERCY: Ready, get ready.
Okay, okay.
Gwynne, Gwynne, now!
Now.
(GWYNNE CHOKING)
Oh, no, he's having an attack! Quick.
Quick.
Go and look after him, we'll go and get some help.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Hello, Fernando?
It's Ivor.
Can we meet?
Usual place, for old times' sake.
I won't take up much of your time.
I need to talk.
- What's that? - It's a gun.
- Oh, give yourself the big one, why don't you? - Always.
- You set? - Yeah.
Come on.
Right.
Everybody eat the floor!
I said get down.
Right. Give me all your money. Everything you've got. In there, now. Come on!
Hey, don't even think about it, Buster.
Get the hands on the head.
No, your own head, silly.
ARWELL: Now that's a good deal.
£5 Mr Byrite voucher?
Would you like to join, sir?
Oh, yes.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So, everything you save we give you 50% interest.
Never mind about that, what about my £5 voucher?
So, Ruth, what are you doing Thursday?
Fancy going for some nosh?
Do you have any form of identification, sir?
What about that?
Ah! Perfect.
I'll just copy them for our records.
You ready?
Sí, I'm ready.
Let's dance.
(IVOR WHOOPING)
(SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
If you could just sign there for me.
Have you got a pen?
(HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING)
Percy.
Not now, Arwell.
No, it's just quick. Have you got a pen?
What?
- A pen. - No!
Don't do anything funny.
I say the magic words,
piff paff poof.
Hang on, all right. I say the magic words,
piff paff poof!
- Thanks. - Right.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
Thank you, Mr Thomas. Welcome to our bank.
Here's your voucher.
Why, thank you.
Right. Is that it? Right, come on, let's go. Come on!
Okay, come on. Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, and I'll see you next Thursday.
(LAMBADA PLAYING)
(MUTTERING)
(YELLING)
Adiós, amigo.
(PURRING)
PERCY: What the hell is this?
Who did we rob? The Game of Life from MB games?
It's Russian, Russian rupees.
You've robbed the Bureau de Change, you toboggan. This money's worthless.
Shitstones. Right.
I'll see if I can get it changed up, come on.
Sorry, sir. We have no Russian rupees, they've just been stolen.
Change this into Welsh pounds, would you please, love?
PERCY: Outrageous.
I can't believe they charged so much commission.
I know. Banks are bastards.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Come on, Gwynne, get up.
PERCY: Come on.
Come on!
(ORGAN PLAYING)
(SHOUTING)
There is no magic where Cliff Daxon is going.
Not even the wizard Gandhi, the master of all magic,
can bring this poor chump back from the grave.
No.
The rectum of life has passed a motion
for the very last time.
So we say, "Goodbye, Cliff Daxon."
Or should I say, abracadabra.
No, shan't.
(SIZZLING)
Burn, Cliff Daxon, burn.
Well done, boys, we got away with it.
Just about.
Why won't they let us in? I wanna see magic.
They require secrecy,
there's half the Magic Circle in there.
I suppose you could call it the Magic Semi-Circle.
I smell bonfire night.
Oh, that'll be the cremation.
Hold on, they're burning sterling in...
That's our money. Quick!
(DRUM BEATING)
Right, music. If you'd like to do...
(SCREAMING) No!
He was supposed to be buried!
Do you remember our first time?
Remember it?
It took me weeks to get the taste out of my mouth.
Well, I had just come off the ships. It was a long journey across the ocean.
But you saw me in dos gutter and took me in.
That's right.
I saw your little Spanish eyes, oh, they were so sad.
I couldn't see you, a poor, innocent young girl,
spending the night in a bed and breakfast all alone
with just...bad air for company.
So you took me to your funeral parlour,
to your chapel of rest,
and let me sleep in the coffin with some bones.
Those were the days.
I think about you all the time, you know.
- Do you? - Yes.
Every time I look at the boys' faces
they remind me of you.
Your eyes,
your lips,
- your armpits. - Oh.
Fat fingers, stubbly chins, hairy chests.
Oh, come back to me, bubba!
ROCKY: Are you a complete satsuma, Fernando?
He's trying to woo you.
He doesn't really think of you at all.
He's making it up so that he doesn't have to pay you.
What? Is this true?
Are you lying to me?
Well, sort of. But I meant what I said about the fat fingers.
Right, this is it.
You pay me my money now!
Also, I want custody of the children.
What? No bloody way, Fernando!
What are we gonna tell Da?
I don't know. We'll just have to tell him the truth, I suppose.
She sussed me, boys. She sussed me like a lioness!
Oh! This is awful!
Well, you got the money, didn't you?
- It got pulverised. - Oh, you rotten pair of trunks!
What in the name of Crosby, Stills and Nash are we going to do now, huh?
Looks like you are in deep trouble.
Now look, Fernando, look, give me one more night. Just one more night.
Mmm-mmm. I can't wait forever.
Yes, this is now our house and our business.
And you are my children.
- I now have custody of you. - Really?
Well, not you but those two.
You can pack your bags with your father.
But...
PERCY: Da, is there anything we can do to get out of this?
I'm afraid not, Percy. I can't believe that your mother would do something like this.
Unless, of course, she's not your...
Hang on a minute, hang on.
- Fernando... - Hmm?
...had a brown mole on her shoulder.
I remember it very clearly because it put me off my Coco Pops.
So what?
You haven't got one.
See?
Well, it was worth a try, wasn't it?
Oh! Gwynne, you pample moose, that was a new box, man!
Uh-oh! 5,000, 5,400,
5,446 Coco Pops.
Hold on.
It says here, "5,447".
That means there's one missing.
(GULPING)
You are a bogus!
You're a bloody bogus!
I knew it wouldn't work.
You and your poxy ideas, Chiquitita.
I told you the Coco mole decoy plan would go snap, crackle, pop.
(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, if you had resealed the box
after you'd taken out the Coco mole decoy it wouldn't have happened, would it?
Hold on! Hold on! I think an explanation is deserved, parlez-vous.
All right, might as well.
My name's Orion and this is Chiquitita.
We're con-artists.
Yeah, we researched into your family history
and decided to screw you over for some money
for our great sponge project.
Sponge project?
We wanna make the world's best sponge.
One that exfoliates, conditions and buffs at the same time.
It all makes sense now.
Okay, Arwell, dial 9 and 9 and 9. These two are going to clink.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, I just robbed a bank.
Calling the rozzers is the last thing to do, right?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. You're right, you're right.
Okay! You two can go. I'm letting you off this time.
But let me make one thing clear.
I never want to see you in my parlour again, ever! Comprende?
- Comprende. - Comprende.
Okay, now bugger off, you pair of loofahs!
Right.
It's a shame I never got to meet my real mother.
- Well, at least we kept the business. - Yeah.
No thanks to Percy's lousy robbery caper.
What a waste of time that was.
Hold on, that reminds me.
Thanks for switching the coffins, Father.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Although double-crossing your own family is not recommended by the Lord himself,
I am very much in favour of such a deception.
Every man for himself, I say. You go and get yourself something nice.
Oh, thanks again, Father. You're a top bloke.
(FATHER PERTWEE CLEARING THROAT)
Forgetting something?
What?
Well, your donation to the old church roof fund.
Oh, yes, that.
There you are.
Oh, it's lovely.
- Iechyd da. - Iechyd da.