Wong, take me to the court, boy.
Come on, you can do better than that.
Hey! That was a bit hard. Calm down.
Now, don't get angry.
(BEEPING)
Stop! Ow!
(SCREAMING)
Penelope! Oh, my soul!
Penelope! Wong!
Wong!
(WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL BY RONAN KEATING PLAYING)
- Ah. Iechyd da, Arwell. - Iechyd da, Da.
(IVOR SIGHING)
Something wrong, is it, boy bach?
- Just sad, that's all. - All right.
What's this crap? Notting Hill? Crap.
No, it's not. It's beautiful.
It's funny, it's sad and... Miss Julia Roberts is gorgeous.
Furthermore, it's written by Sir Richard Curtis. He's really funny.
He wrote the Dibley Vicar as well, you know.
- If it's so funny, why are you crying? - IVOR: Yeah.
Hugh Grant isn't worth a Welshman's tears, man.
Costner, now he's a man you could cry to.
Oh, Dances with Wolves, a crying classic.
That bit when the American bastards shoot the wolf...
Oh, that's sad.
Well, Notting Hill makes me sad because...
Because they get to have babies, fall in love,
sit in a sunny park listening to Ronan.
I love Ronan.
You are... You're a romantic, see, Arwell.
Look, how about a heart-to-heart over a big black pudding, eh?
Come on, boy.
- I'm bored. You want some help? - Shh!
(WHISPERING) I found some treasure.
- Where? - In that.
(DINGING)
PERCY: Bloody hell.
Quick, get me some pliers. I'm having that for my collection.
- I'm 33 years of age, right? - Yes.
- In eight years' time, I'll be 40. - Yes.
Before I know it, I'll be 43, which is only eight years from being 50.
Yes.
When I'm 50 I'll be only three years from being 53,
which is only eight years away from being 60,
which is only eight years from being 68, which is only ten years from being 78,
- which means I'll be almost... - Dead!
Look, what's your point, boy?
I'm getting older and I'm running out of time.
I want to have children. I want to be in love, I want my own home,
I want to try vindaloo, I want a wife, and most of all want to have...
sex.
Oh, I see. You are still a Branson, are you?
(PERCY GRUNTING)
Gwynne.
Oh!
We're rich!
Oh.
Hello, miss.
(PERCY GROANING)
Here you go.
(PERCY LAUGHS)
GWYNNE: Oh...
(SCREAMING)
So, have you ever even come close to sinking the coconut?
Well, there was one time back in 1984 with Penelope Granville.
ARWELL: She'd invited me round after school to help her label some diagrams
for a biology test.
(ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES THEME ON RECORD PLAYER)
- Penelope. - What?
(STUTTERING) Would it be all right if... Would you... Can...
Spit it out.
Can I touch your...
♪ Bush, bush, bush, bush
♪ No income tax, no VAT ♪
Can I touch your booby?
I love your boobies.
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
- Penelope, I'm home! - Quick, it's my father.
You know what he's like after a big meeting with PaulGambaccini.
- You better go. - Okay.
See you at school tomorrow.
Oh, hello, Mr Granville. I'm going home now.
Oh, bunkum.
Oh, no, no, no. You have to learn to hold back.
When I was with your mother and I felt like my pipes were gonna blow too soon,
I often thought about Popeye...
(IMITATING POPEYE)
...and whether he'd had a stroke or not.
Hence his lopsided face, eh?
On the other hand, if I was feeling a little bit too soft,
I often imagined I was doing it with Betty Boop.
And I'd be up like a Zoom ice lolly rocket.
She's a very beautiful woman, is Betty Boop.
When am I gonna find someone to love?
Arwell, don't go looking for love. It finds you.
Someone will appear out of the blue, grab you by the balls,
and you won't look back.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
What?
Who?
Arwell, remember Penelope Granville?
As if I need reminding.
She's dead.
Oh, hello. You must be the undertakers.
- I'm Urquart Sav. - Oh. Iechyd da.
What?
Iechyd da means "good health".
Trying to be funny?
No, I'm just saying what he said.
Good health is hardly the issue here, is it? My wife is dead.
Well, he said it.
Look, I'm very upset!
My wife has been killed, and I'm not in the mood for your quips.
Her body's on the tennis court. If you need me, I shall be in the house crying.
Drive on.
(SHE BY ELVIS COSTELLO PLAYING)
She hasn't changed a bit.
She's still exactly the same as she was 17 years ago.
Yeah, Arwell, I think there's one dramatic fact that you're overlooking.
Come on. Get her in the coffin.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(CRACKING)
Rigor mortis is setting in. Quick! Get her in the box,
or we'll never be able to bend her.
ARWELL: Poor baby.
I've missed you.
You remember we used to walk in the park?
We'd look at the ducks, the geese, and the Datsun Cherries...
(CHUCKLES)
Happy days.
IVOR: Someone will appear out of the blue, grab you by the balls,
and you won't look back.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I'm bereaved, go away!
Mr Sav, it's me. Coltrane Benz.
Benz! What the devil are you doing here?
I've got some information on your wife. I've been following her.
And after weeks of surveillance and tailing her, I can tell you that she's in a funeral parlour.
She's been there a day and she hasn't left.
She's dead, you tart! That's why she's at the funeral parlour.
Something sounds very suspicious about that, don't you think?
For God's sake, Benz, are you a complete marshmallow?
You were hired six weeks ago to follow Penelope because I thought she was having an affair.
I then found out she wasn't having an affair, so I took you off the case, yet still you follow her!
She's definitely up to something. She is a wily woman.
Yes, maybe so,
but this morning, she was killed in a tragic tennis-ball accident.
I think that closes the case, don't you?
Mr Sav, please don't close this case.
I know I can solve it. I'm getting really close.
Please, Mr Sav, I really need this job. Come on, Mr Sav, please!
Oh, very well. Look, the funeral is on Thursday, you can follow her till then if it makes you happy.
- Who wants to play solitaire with me? - I will.
(SIZZLING)
I just got these new cards.
(LAUGHING)
Don't tell Bruce Forsyth, mind. He'll go tutti-frutti if he knows I've nicked them.
- Good game. - Good game. Here you are.
I can't play.
- I got a date. - Really? Oh, well done, Arwell.
I told you someone will grab you by the balls, didn't I? Eh? Eh? Who is she?
- Oh, no one. - Well, remember what I said.
Popeye. Boop, eh? Eh?
Ready, boy? What've you got?
(EXCLAIMS)
Here we are. Solitaire!
(SIZZLING)
(SNIFFING)
(SIGHS)
Oh, Gwynne.
Come on, Penny, let's have some fun.
Wait a minute. The coffin will be too light. They'll know I've taken you.
Wait there a minute while I get something to equal the weight.
Ooh.
Ah! Perfect. Let's go.
(GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY BY QUEEN PLAYING)
(CRYING) Mama.
(CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPPING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hello. Urquart Sav. I've come to visit my late wife.
Come through, come through. Please, sit down.
(IVOR SIGHING)
So, how are you coping?
Oh, so-so, you know.
She was very young. It's tragic.
Yes, yes, it's always difficult when someone dies before their time.
For an extra £100,
we do do a complementary counselling service
if you ever feel that you want to get anything off your chest, you know.
Okay, then.
- Counsel me. - Oh...
Thank you. I'll...
Pull yourself together, man, she was only a wife! Not family, is it?
Not like your mother or anything!
I mean, a mother is irreplaceable, but a wife?
Pah!
They grow on bushes! You can always get another one.
Thank you, I feel much better now.
Oh, good. Good. I'm glad.
Dastardly and Muttley! Look at the time.
Come on, Penny. I better get you back.
Yes, I was her tennis coach.
Well, her father, well, as you know, was a multi-millionaire.
Yes, that's right.
- Didn't he invent turquoise? - Yes, he did. Made a fortune out of that colour.
Well, she was a lonely girl, being an only child,
and when her parents were killed in a mysterious hen accident,
- she saw me as a sort of father figure. - Oh.
Before long, she was my wife.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Boys!
- What? - Take Mr Sav through to the chapel, would you?
What the hell are those doing in there?
- Well, come here! - (STAMMERING) No, no, no, no. I can't.
He's got a phobia of dead bodies.
He goes a bit Rain Man "Qantas never crashed" if he sees them.
- What? - Oh, thank you, Percy!
No, no, no. I don't have a phobia as such,
it's just that dead bodies give me the shits, that's all. It's nothing serious.
Well, never mind that. Why is my wife in a coffin full of Sugar Puffs?
It's a new embalming technique.
The honey and the puffed wheat help to preserve the body.
It's organic, you see.
So keep your hands out or you'll contaminate the process.
GWYNNE: Uh...
IVOR: Gwynne!
- The body's gone. - Oh, Pocahontas!
We can't anger a man like him. He's the heir to the turquoise throne.
- Don't worry? - Ah?
If he tries to put his hand in the coffin, I'll stop him.
Hello, darling. Oh, how I miss you.
(BENZ SNORING)
(URQUART CHATTERING)
- IVOR: What's he doing? - Still talking.
- And what's he saying? - I don't know, I can't hear.
Goodbye, my love.
See you at the funeral.
Oh.
You don't mind if I take your wedding ring, do you?
My God! Is that the time? Oh, look, look, we're closed.
- But... But... But... - Good night, bye.
- I want to... - Bye. Bye.
(DOOR BANGING)
That's it.
Here, Penny. Here.
Oh, let's sort her out.
Oh, that was a close one. I could do with a...
What in the name of Denzel Washington are you doing with Penelope Granville?
- She's my girlfriend. - What?
We're going to get married!
He's flown off the cuckoo clock!
Arwell, you nobsticle, she's dead. How can you marry a dead woman?
She's not dead in my heart.
Someone call Dr Raj Perswad, please.
Arwell, are you all the ticket, boy?
Listen, Da, you cannot cremate her tomorrow! I will not allow it!
The funeral must not go ahead!
She's coming to live with me. We're moving to Ipswich.
And we're going to start a family!
Please don't incinerate her. You'll ruin my life!
And it's not Raj Perswad.
It's Persaud!
Right! That's it!
You are grounded! You're not coming tomorrow. You are endangering the mission.
You can't go without me!
Oh, yes, I can! You're a bloody fruit-and-nut cake, man!
And furthermore, I am calling Dr Treaves in the morning,
and he can come round and fix your brain!
Come, lads.
IVOR: Ready, boys? GWYNNE: Aye, aye.
- Is Arwell all right? - Yeah, fine. Don't worry.
He won't be disturbing us today.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY BY QUEEN PLAYING)
No, I will not let it happen!
Three Men and a Baby!
Thank God.
I was dreaming.
URQUART: Hello, darling. Oh, how I miss you.
(FOREVER AUTUMN PLAYING)
We're here today to say fare ye well to Penelope Granville.
She was a magnificent tennis player with a tremendous serve.
Unfortunately, we now have to serve her to the furnace.
PERTWEE: Yes, Penelope has played her final ace.
She's drunk her last Robinson's Barley Water,
and the great umpire in the sky
has abandoned play for the very last time.
Shame, really, 'cause she had a magnificent lob on her.
Ooh, yes, she gave fine backhanders,
with a quick flick of the wrist and a good, tight double-fisted grip,
she could really bang those balls away and hit the mark every time.
Still, enough of little old me. Let the widower stand and say his piece.
Thank you, Father.
It's funny,
playing that song, Forever Autumn, brings back so many memories.
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPING)
(WHISPERING) It's me.
Sorry, everyone.
Oh, I got a message from the Bishop. See what he says.
(GIGGLING) I've never done that to my mother.
My wife and I...
(MOBILE KEYPAD BEEPING)
My wife and I used to dance to this song in times of hardship.
She was very good to me.
We had a very sensual, passionate relationship.
In fact, we use to make love to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds.
...combination of space lasers,
Moog and Richard Burton's voice did something to her.
They were great days. Misty, hazy days.
Lazy days, crazy days, even.
We'd spend entire summer nights making love to the whole double album.
Until slowly, but surely, she came.
Goodbye, Penny. I'll miss you.
ARWELL: Stop!
Stop right there.
You can't put her in there. She's mine. I love her!
It's you. You were having an affair with my wife. Benz was right.
It wasn't exactly an affair. I waited for her to die first.
Come on, Penny. You're coming with me!
No, this is tup, this is. I'm off.
What in the name of William H Macy is he doing?
- Where is he going with my wife? - Ipswich, I think.
Seize him! Seize that man!
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Put my wife back in her coffin!
No! Never!
If you don't out her down, T2010.898.99922222 will kill you!
He's out of control and very, very jealous!
He reacts to movement. Any movements.
Well, how can I put her down without moving, then?
If I put her down,
T2010.898.99922222
will fire.
- And if I don't, he'll kill me anyway. - I know. Funny, isn't it?
URQUART ON TAPE: Hello, darling. Oh, how I miss you.
Now what?
What the cribbens are you doing here?
Get out of here, Benz! The case is shut!
Dead at last where you belong, you spoilt little cow.
Yeah, try eating a banana now, you dead'un.
Thank you for all your inheritance.
Sixty million Welsh pounds. I'm rich.
No longer do I have to put up with your whining.
It didn't take a lot to program that tennis machine to shoot you with his balls.
(URQUART LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
I think we've heard enough of that.
Unless you want to hear the bit where he does a really good impersonation of Jim Bowen.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, don't play that, it's embarrassing.
Oh, well, go on then.
(URQUART IMITATING JIM BOWEN) Super, smashing, great.
Oh.
So you killed Penelope all the time? All along?
- What about the affair? - It was just a red herring.
I hired Coltrane Benz and sent him on a wild geese chase
to find the phantom adulterer.
That made it look as though I cared for Penelope,
and then I wouldn't be suspected by the police.
But enough of all this rubbish!
I've got a Maltese jet at the airport.
It's heading for Gettysburg and I am in the front seat.
Kill him, T2010.898.99922222!
Don't kill me, T2010.898.99922222.
I beg you, don't listen to him.
There is good in you. I can feel it.
Fire, you unutterable beast! Kill him!
(BEEPING)
I said kill him, you robo-bastard, or I'll disassemble you!
ROBOT: No disassemble, no disassemble.
(BEEPING)
What're you doing? Not me, you fool!
No!
ROBOT: No disassemble.
I knew there was good in you.
Don't die. We can get you fixed.
Are you under guarantee?
ROBOT: (MOANING) No disassemble.
Someone call Dixons. Now!
Well, how do I look?
Oh, great. Great.
You are all right now, aren't you?
See, I know how much you
loved Penelope.
I'm fine.
It was a silly relationship doomed from the start.
I found someone now who is much more compatible
and very much alive.
Oh, great. Good.
- Well, have a good time. - I will.
Oh, you like it? Yeah, she's a Panda. A flipped Panda.