- Hi. - Hey, there he is.
Hey, Nick. What up, Ian?
Hey, what you got in there?
Uh, just some stuff for tonight.
My mom and I are gonna watch Survivor.
- Ah, another hot date with your mom? - (SIGHS)
It's not a date.
Sparkling wine, imported cheeses. Hmm.
A single rose.
Aw, she catch you cuddling on the couch
with another mother?
Okay, all right. You know what?
You think I like running around
to all these stores to get her stuff?
- I guess, yeah. - Seems like it.
- Yeah, well, I don't. - Please.
This is the fourth night in a row you've hung out with her.
I live with my mom and we spend less time together.
Guys, I do it for her.
I was in L.A. for 12 years and she really missed me.
You know what? I get it, man.
I get it, I do.
Long distance relationships are the worst.
- Oh, my gosh. - All right.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Hey.
- What's up, Sleeveless? - Jealous?
Dad and I are playing our monthly racquetball game.
Oh. Great. I'm coming.
Don't you and Mom have your date?
It's not a date.
Dude, it's cool. After a big breakup,
everyone needs a rebound.
- Hi, guys. - Hey. Look, kidding aside,
I need a break from Mom. I want some guy time.
- What's up? - Josh wants to come to racquetball night.
Whatever. As long as I get to watch Survivor alone
without someone constantly saying,
- "I would win this so easy" - I would.
If these hands can restart a human heart,
I think they can build a raft.
Come on, Andrew. We don't want to be late for racquetball.
Shake a leg.
Don't shake your leg, Dad.
Who knows what'll fall out.
Dad, I'm playing racquetball with you guys tonight.
- What? - Just tell him.
No. He can't keep a secret from my mother.
I can so. I never told her we had that party in high school
and you threw up in the piano.
I knew that was too much vomit for a cat.
Dude!
Well, I haven't told Mom, and I won't tell her about this.
So come on, what is it?
We don't really play racquetball.
We go out for steaks and Scotch.
And Mom can't know 'cause it's against doctor's orders.
You're a doctor.
Not his doctor.
Besides, the amount of time a monthly steak and Scotch
shave off his life is very minor.
It's shaving time off my life?
Just at the very end.
How long have you guys been doing this?
Oh, for a few glorious years.
It makes me feel so alive.
JUDY: Oh, Josh, there you are.
Nick said you were on your way up, but I didn't see you.
Harry, you know you're supposed to watch your sugars.
Okay, Mom, I need to talk to you for a sec.
Sure.
(COUGHING): Don't blow it.
So, I was thinking about
maybe spending some time with Dad tonight.
Sure, after we watch Survivor?
No, instead of.
(GASPS)
I feel like Dad misses me.
Whenever I talk about spending time with you,
he gets this hangdog, pouty look.
Oh, sweetie, that's just his face.
Yeah, but it's even hangdog-ier and poutier than usual.
So as much as it would kill me to miss our...
Whatever you call our time together.
Well, I've heard some people call it our date night.
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right, darling. You go spend time with your dad.
Tonight we have an open relationship.
She said yes.
Congratulations. Where are you guys registered?
No, for racquetball.
And I'm gonna watch Survivor by myself
and throw out all of Daddy's underwear
that has lost its elasticity.
Eve's watching the same show.
Why don't you guys watch together?
You never spend time alone.
- Uh... - Uh...
That's fun. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, you know what? I should probably stay here
because of Wyatt.
Yeah. And I should be in my apartment because,
uh... that's all.
Eve can bring the baby monitor over to our place.
(QUIETLY): Damn it, Harry. Wh...?
All right, I'm gonna go put on some sweats.
And I'm gonna go hide the underwear
that I want to keep.
(DOOR CLOSES)
This is a terrible idea.
You know I can't be alone
with your mother. We need a buffer,
like you or Josh or a large continent.
You're just gonna sit there and watch TV together.
How bad can it be?
Eve, do me a favor, wear socks tonight.
Your second toe freaks me out.
It's too long to be a toe and too short to be a finger.
Did you hear that?
Babe, to be fair, that toe has four knuckles.
Sometimes in bed at night, it wraps around my ankle.
(LAUGHING): Stop it.
All right, fellas. Let's do this.
Let's do it, but remember it's a secret, so be cool.
Please. I'm the coolest.
Have fun at racquetball.
Yes, we will have fun at racquetball,
because that's what we're doing, playing racquetball.
That's why we have these racquetball racquets...
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Come on, won't you take me home? ♪
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~
Jerry, my man. How's the wife?
- Still hates my new girlfriend. - (LAUGHS)
- We'll take our usual spots at the bar. - W-Wait. The bar?
Yeah, we always sit at the bar and watch the game.
No. We should sit a nice table
where we can see each other and chitchat.
Everything about that sentence makes me want to slap you.
And the bar's our thing, right, Dad?
I'm torn.
I do love the bar, but I also love chitchat.
Good call, Joshie.
Loving this table.
Yeah, it's great.
Except for the full penis
that just dragged across my back.
♪ ♪
- Hey. - Hey.
D-Did you have any trouble getting here?
I live directly across the hall.
But, yes, a little.
So why are we doing this?
I don't know. Never hanging out alone together
is kind of our thing.
It's totally our thing.
We need a buffer.
That's what I told Andrew.
Yeah, what was Harry thinking?
I mean, ten million people watch Survivor...
We all should be best friends?
I would rather be stranded on that island then be here.
You want to know something?
I spent the last ten minutes trying to throw my back out.
I tried to throw myself down the stairs.
Oh, God. We really don't want to hang out together, do we?
Not at all. Shall we have some wine?
I don't see how else we'll get through it.
This is exactly what I needed.
Hanging with the boys. Bro-ing out.
All right, so what are we thinking?
Get a bunch of apps, do a little three-way split-skees?
Uh... sure, if we were flight attendants
trying to make the most of our layover in Tampa.
Dad and I always
get the porterhouse for two.
Okay, relax. You have your steak.
I'm actually thinking the Dover sole looks light and tasty.
The flight for Tampa is now boarding.
The Dover sole looks very good.
Maybe they'll make it for two.
- Yeah. - They don't.
But there is enough of me to go around.
(ALL LAUGH)
I-I don't...
Oh, no. Oh, sorry. Inside joke.
Well, well, bring Josh inside the joke, Andrew.
He'll love it.
Okay. Uh, well... (CLEARS THROAT)
First time we came here, there was this bachelorette party,
and they were all hitting on me, 'cause, well, obviously.
And I was like, uh,
“Don't worry, ladies.
There's enough of me to go around.” (LAUGHS)
Oh, is that the joke?
Hearing it again, it's not that funny.
Oh, God, this table.
If I wanted this much wang in my life,
I would have stayed in that urology rotation.
Sounds like there's enough of him to go around.
(LAUGHING): That's funny.
JOSH: I know.
God, I love Survivor.
Ooh, hot paralegal's boob is about to pop out again.
Hmm. The pixels are on delay.
I saw some nip.
(WYATT CRYING OVER MONITOR)
You stay, I'll go.
No, it's okay.
Aren't you gonna go to him?
Oh, no. We're sleep training.
“Sleep training,” that's a fancy way
to describe child neglect.
It's not neglect. I'm a pediatrician.
I've read many books on the subject.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
You're the mother, you parent as you see fit.
Thank you, Judy. More wine? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna need another bottle.
Oh, God. Here come the meat sweats.
This is too much steak for one man.
Yeah, that's why it's called the “porterhouse for two”
I'm gonna have to do a bypass on myself.
Why don't you take the rest to go?
Because, dummy, we're supposed to be playing racquetball.
We can't risk Mom smelling steak.
Well, if you eat all that, there'll be...
too much of you to go around.
Fantastic. He brought it full circle.
Yeah. I got to pee.
Oh, it's nice seeing Dad so happy.
Yeah, dream come true.
Dude, you've been acting weird all night.
What's your problem?
Oh, I don't know.
Dad's eating fish, you jacked my inside joke,
you made us sit at this table where waiters
have rubbed their junk across my back so many times,
I know them all by their genitalia.
How you doing, Roberto?
Well, look, if it's making you so uncomfortable,
let's switch seats.
At this point, if it wasn't happening
I'd probably miss it.
And it's not just about the chair.
You're making this night all about you.
Okay, calm down. From now on,
the night can be all about you, okay?
Hey, hey. It's Josh Roberts.
- Josh, this is Massimo, the owner. - Ah.
Hey, I love that Blind Cop.
I tell you, he couldn't see a damn thing.
Massimo wants a picture with you to put on the wall.
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
HARRY: One, two, three.
Uh, another Scotch, please, Steve.
Well, I looked in every closet
and every drawer, and I can't find the green blanket
that you are currently under.
Oh, I found it.
You could have told me.
Oh, well, you were having such fun looking for it.
(WYATT CRYING SOFTLY)
- Was that you? - Yeah.
I, uh, am very upset
that they're gonna vote Paula off the island.
(WYATT CRYING)
Aah! Aah! Oh-oh-oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.
I can't believe you went and got him.
Well, he was crying.
Judy, I am a pediatrician.
Is how you start most of your sentences.
Well, forgive me for believing
that a suffering baby should be comforted.
Well, forgive me for believing
that a child needs to learn to comfort himself.
Otherwise, he might grow up
to be an overly dependent mama's boy
who lives next to his parents.
I know you're trying to hurt me,
but everything you said just makes me prouder.
I'm going to take Wyatt very gently,
but in my heart, I am ripping him from your arms.
- Well, now you've upset him. - Aah!
Why did I ever come over?
I should have begged to go with Harry and Andrew like Josh did.
Wait. Josh begged them?
Yup.
That was the best secret steak night yet.
Oh, I agree, except for every other one.
All right, give it a rest. I won't come next month.
- Great! - Great.
Stop it, Andrew.
Of course you will.
Josh, you're now part of a great tradition that will never die.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Josh, I'd like to speak to you in your apartment, please.
We're dead.
I can't believe Mommy knows about secret steak night.
I blame Josh. You must have told her!
When would I have told her? I was with you the whole night.
You went to the bathroom twice.
Are you sure you weren't texting your boo?
(FAKE LAUGHS) You're hilarious.
Well, then how does she know?
Well, don't look at me.
I haven't known how she knows for 50 years.
Clearly, she knows, and she wants to speak to Josh alone,
because he's a mama's boy who's weak and spineless. No offense.
That was a rough ride to “no offense”
No matter what she says, you deny, deny, deny,
and you stick to the story.
What's the story?
We played racquetball.
We had a little tournament.
- Obviously, I won every game. - Why did you win?
'Cause we want the story to be believable.
After the last point, Josh started crying.
- No, I did not. - You tried to hide it, but we saw you.
No, I didn't. I shook your hand like a gentleman even though you cheated.
- How did I cheat? - You kept calling my serves out.
- They were out. They were on... - They were on the line!
Boys, boys, boys!
How did I do?
Obviously, you beat Josh.
JUDY: Josh?
Okay, relax. I'm not gonna crack.
This is what I do. I'm an actor.
Then act like a guy who can lie to his mother.
And who got his ass demolished in racquetball.
- I did not... - Just go, go, go, go!
Okay, I'm going.
How was racquetball?
Racquetball was good.
(SMACKS LIPS) Good.
Good, good, good, good, good, good.
And your father, um...
did he enjoy it?
Yeah. Yeah, I think he had fun.
Uh-huh, because that's why you went.
Right?
So he could enjoy time with you?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Would you like a glass of water?
- Yes, that would be... - As would I.
(SIGHS)
And were you able to have fun?
Yeah, it was fun.
Oh. That's odd, because I thought
you really wanted to stay home with me.
No, no, no. No, I did. I-I did.
Well, which is it? Did you have fun,
or did you wish you were with me?
- Hmm? - Moments of fun,
punctuated by long bouts of deep yearning
- to be... - Ah, cut the crap!
Eve told me you begged to play racquetball.
Eve! Of course. That's who told you.
And it wasn't about being with your father.
(VOICE BREAKING): You just didn't want to spend time with me.
Wait. That's what you're mad about?
Well, what else would it be?
No, no. Nothing.
Andrew's gonna kill me, but you deserve to know the whole truth.
I destroyed him at racquetball.
Josh is gonna confess everything.
He will start with me puking in the piano,
and end with secret freakin' steak night.
And when he does, she's gonna hug him and love him
for being the good, honest one, and I'll take the fall.
That's how it's always been.
Did you not hear me, Andrew?
Your mother kidnapped our child.
Did you not hear me?
I'm not 100% happy right now.
So, you're not mad?
No, but in the future, if you need space, just tell me.
- I'll understand. - Uh...
Well, I'll try to understand.
All right, I won't understand, but I'll accept it.
- Ah... - I'll try to accept it.
Okay.
We didn't play racquetball. We went out for steaks
and Scotch, and I'm telling you, so I'm the good one.
I also puked in your piano. You are loving me.
You didn't play racquetball?
She had no idea.
Well, it appears I owe you a piano.
Just coming in to say good night.
Pretty tired from racquetball?
She knows, and I wasn't the one who told her.
- Was it me? - (JUDY SCOFFS)
Not only did you all lie to me,
but you took your father out to a dinner
that could shave years off his life?
MEN: Just at the very end.
Harry, come on. Let's go.
You're gonna work off those extra calories
on my recumbent bike.
Recumbent bike?
That's the lying down one.
I'll be back to deal with you two.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - ANDREW: I knew it.
I knew you'd ruin this night for me.
Dude, you're the one who blew it, and
what's the big deal? We'll find something else to do with Dad.
You don't get it, Josh.
Secret steak night was my special thing with Dad.
Once a month, I get him all to myself,
we talk about life and my job and being a dad.
And he'd be all proud of me.
Andrew, I wasn't trying to take all that away.
I just wanted a break from the love affair
everyone thinks I'm having with our mother.
Yes, we're all aware you're Mom's favorite,
but Dad and I got a lot closer while you were in L.A.,
and now you're back, and... whatever.
I guess you'll get him, too.
(DOOR OPENS)
All right, your father's been dealt with.
Is... is he dead?
No. And now he has a chance to live longer
because you won't be taking him out
- to any more decadent dinners. - (SCOFFS)
I'm very disappointed in both of you boys.
Wait.
Don't blame Andrew. The whole thing was my idea.
What?
I made them skip their usual racquetball game.
- Andrew had nothing to do with it. - Really?
Yeah. In fact, he totally wrecked the night
by convincing Dad to order fish.
This is very unlike you, Josh.
Yeah. Yeah, I was, uh...
surprised by his behavior, too.
I can't believe you would
sacrifice your father's health for your own pleasure.
She raised you better than that, man.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I guess it's better if I no longer join them
on their... racquetball nights.
Yes, I think that would be best.
Now I have to go make sure
your father hasn't fallen asleep on that bike.
Thanks, man.
That was a cool thing to do.
Yeah. No problem.
I can totally see why Mom fell for you.
Okay. Okay.
There were four of us, and there were four wonton,
and Helen ate two of them. Hmm?
Well, did you tell her she could?
Well, yes, but it was just a test, and she failed.
You're still talking about Helen and the wonton?
That was three weeks ago.
I can forgive, but I will not forget.
- Ready, Pops? - Yes, I am.
So, big night, huh?
Yup, it's the final Tribal Council.
No, no, no. I meant for you and Mom.
You finally reached that point in your relationship
where you either have to break up or put a ring on it.
HARRY: Ooh!
- Good one, Andrew. - JOSH: Yeah.
Have fun tonight. If you run out of balls,
I'm sure your buddy Roberto has an extra set.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Ah, finally. Just the two of us.
I love date night.
Let's stop calling it that.
I like calling it that.
Yeah, I'm gonna go get Eve to watch with us.
Make sure she wears socks.
Her long toe freaks you out, too?
That thing is like a bendy straw with a nail on it.
Yeah, it's like E.T. phoning home.
And it really stares at you, doesn't it?
(LAUGHING): Yeah, it does. You know what?
This is nice. Eve's good over there.
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~