Everything bagel and cream cheese, black coffee.
Aw, hey, dog.
- (COUGHING) - Jesus.
(À LA DOLORES O'RIORDAN): ♪ With their tanks ♪
♪ And their bombs, and their bombs ♪
♪ And their guns, in your head ♪
♪ In your head you're crying ♪
♪ In their head, in your head ♪
♪ Zombie, zombie ♪
♪ Zombie-ie-ie-ie. ♪
Linds, I discovered this awesome radio station!
Jack FM... it is not your father's rock station.
You see, Jack just plays whatever he wants.
They have this great '90s block
I've gotten really into.
What a great decade for music.
We were so lucky!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Anyway...
How was your day?
So good.
I love my job.
That's so great.
Watch me.
It's like having people expect you to be somewhere
actually makes you want to go there.
Plus, I get money.
Awesome.
- Look, I put beads in my hair. - Hmm.
You should use it at work.
"Teenage white girl on vacation" is gonna be huge this year.
I'm finally contributing to society.
By being a stylist's assistant?
Helping make people less ugly?
It's God's work, Gretch.
This is the tits!
I'm playing with clothes during the day, and then
I come home, and you're here, and Paul isn't.
I love my new life.
Yeah, but... I don't know.
- What? - I love it, too.
But... we're doing the same thing every night.
You know, drinking, smoking weed.
I'm afraid we might be in a rut.
Okay, well, we can go out in the hood.
Get Korean barbecue, and then go to one
of those karaoke places where they don't like white people.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we stay here and smoke crack?
Where did you get crack?
From one of the homeless people outside.
I didn't even have to leave the apartment.
He just came to the window and asked
if I wanted to buy some crack, and I said yes!
Ten dollars for all that crack. Can you believe it?
Maybe smoking crack isn't the best idea.
The guy who sold it to me couldn't disagree more.
corrections by btsix, sync by Mr. C www.addic7ed.com
WOMAN: Lindsay, did you get those swatches from Antwerp?
- Hello? - Lindsay?
Can I see you in my office?
Lindsay, I wanted to...
- I smoked crack. - What?
Thank you for this opportunity.
I'm sorry I let you down.
Lindsay, sit.
You've been here on a trial basis for over a month now.
Are you enjoying yourself?
So much.
It's the dream I didn't know I had.
I feel like I found a family here.
Plus, the free food is a nice perk.
We don't have free food.
Anyway, how would you like to come work for me full-time?
What?! Yes!
I mean, I might be amenable to that.
Do you have a piece of paper on which I should write
my opening salary offer?
(LAUGHS)
You're funny.
You have got a great eye,
and you're the most positive person we've ever had.
I really value you, Lindsay.
Okay, well, you'll start at a base of $45K,
plus commission on any new clients
you bring in.
Now that you're out of your probationary period,
the real work begins.
You don't have to do any more of those dummy chores.
Carl can do all that crap.
I want you to start thinking like a designer.
Read these.
They're a good start for understanding my style, philosophy and influences,
and probably the origins of my body dysmorphia.
Why I eat ice for lunch.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Then come back tonight at 7:00, and we begin.
Tonight?
But... work is for day.
Honey, making people look good is a 24-hour job.
We have to dress an actor for Jaden Smith's retirement party.
Sorry.
Thanks, Priscilla.
(LINDSAY SIGHS)
Shove it up your ass, Carl.
Okay.
Hi. Hello. Hi. How was work? I had a great day.
The Price Is Right had Plinko, which they never do.
I made a chocolate mug cake.
Also, I started a really cool dinosaur mural on your wall.
Anyway,
tonight I made a pitcher of greyhounds
with that bag of grapefruits that you thought were limes.
Postmates is bringing us Taco Bell as we speak.
I think I have a little crack left.
(LAUGHS)
I can't hang out tonight.
I have to be back at work at 7:00.
But work is for day.
That's what I said.
Oh, well, at least until then, we can get down with our chalupas
and watch Fixer Upper.
We drink every time Joanna says, "Shiplap!" That Chip can get it, huh?
He can get it all the way, I think.
Actually, I have a whole bunch of reading to do.
Oh, ha-ha. "I should really get started on those sit-ups
if I want to finish in time to catch the news."
Actually, I really need to concentrate,
so maybe you could clear out for, like, an hour or two?
- Are you okay? - Yeah, no, it's just, um,
I'm not really going outside these days.
- What do you mean? - I haven't left your apartment.
- Since when? - Um...
three months, two days, give or take.
What?!
You mean you haven't even left while I'm at work?
But the other day I came home for lunch and jerked it for 45 minutes.
I was hiding under the bed.
Oh.
Oh...
So, I take it you're not going to therapy?
Wrong!
I Skype with that titty-sucking bitch every week.
I am still taking my meds and holding down my job, so she's happy.
Dummy.
Are you holding down your job?
I'm paying randos to take care
of my bullshit clients, and I told the boys I'm in Europe
scouting new talent and making connect... Shit, shit!
I'm late for my Skype with them.
Oh.
Oh, bonjour.
Oh, you're in France now.
God, I love Paris.
Did you go to the Louvre?
Oh, no, it's closed.
They're cleaning the rugs.
Uh, where's Honey Nutz?
He couldn't make it.
He said he had a colonoscopy.
Isn't he young for that?
Well, he said it's never too early to start, but come on,
we all know the truth, right?
Zachary craves any kind of human touch.
Anyway, bitch, what opportunities have you gotten for us?
You've been gone forever.
I am laying important groundwork.
I'm talking you up to all the music press,
the influential bloggers.
Uh, pardonnez-moi, uh, un ashtray,
s'il vous plaî.
Merci.
It's just that you've been gone
for a long time, and we actually have press needs here.
I tweet-threatened Connie Chung yesterday,
and not a peep, Gretchen, not one peep.
Guys, there is a surging hunger for American hip-hop in Europe right now.
You know, because of Brexit.
You can't deny that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- That makes sense. - Anyway,
I'm going to Hot Mix 97.8 tonight.
They are playing you on their Magnifique Mash-up Hour.
Make sure they play "Titty Tag."
- Or "Pussy on Swoll." - Mm-hmm.
Uh, voulez voulez.
Merci. (FORCED LAUGH)
Stupide. (CHUCKLES) I have to go.
- Ciao. - Also, make sure you...
- Girl. - Right?
No, I meant girl...
You have got to leave the apartment.
Sweetie, just go outside for an hour.
You're listening to poor-people radio.
You have the bush of an old Italian man.
You're doing crack.
But isn't it kind of awesome, though,
that I came straight here after Jimmy left me on that hill, and haven't left?
Like, that is pretty much straight baller when you think about it.
What if I run into him and then I die?
I'm trying to stalk him online, but that idiot hasn't updated anything.
Have you figured out why he left yet?
Why he asked me to be his wife and then drove away?
Best I can figure, he was paid by one of my enemies.
It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong.
Probably Jason Mraz for when I called him
a fedora-wearing diarrhea.
Do you believe Edgar that he hasn't heard from Jimmy?
Oh, no. Edgar is obviously covering for him.
Really? That fink.
Well, no one lies to me.
Hey, do you know where those Eskimo Pies are that I put in the freezer?
Oh, I forgot to tell you, the police came for them.
Weird.
Oh, well.
♪ ♪
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Come in!
- Lindsay. - What are you doing?
I'm just trying to come up with some pitch ideas for the show I'm working on,
Doug Loves Sketche.
It's about sketches. Doug loves 'em.
I know, I watched season one.
- I loved "Guido Baby." - (GASPS)
"Guido Baby" was mine.
You could totally tell!
BOTH: "Wah!
Oh!"
Jimmy!
Jimmy, I'm coming down!
- What are you doing? - I know he's here.
- He's really not. - Please.
I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the "Q" of clovers.
Give him up, chico! Where is he?
He's not here. He never came back, okay?
Do you know how hard that was for me?
At first, I drove around looking for him, from bar to bar, every night.
Showing photos, asking around.
I even started a hotline.
Tips came in, but they never led anywhere.
Now I just...
keep a light on for him and... I leave him messages every once and awhile
- just to hear his voice. - (MUSIC ENDS)
But life goes on. It must.
Ha!
That's too many details.
Look.
I redecorated.
Would I dare do that if Jimmy was still here?
He'd kill you.
(WHISPERS): Exactly.
(SIGHS)
So he just never came home from proposing?
He just disappeared?
Maybe he moved back to England.
I don't know.
But he's gone.
WOMAN (ON TV): So you're sure
a handsome fellow like you
- doesn't have a girlfriend. - (PHONE VIBRATES)
Yo.
LINDSAY: You won L.A.
- What? - Jimmy never came home either.
Guess you guys are both pussies.
Gretch, he's gone.
He must've drove back to England.
Whoa.
Okay.
- Thanks. - WOMAN (ON TV): I saw everything!
MAN: Since this is obviously over,
I'll just be (BLEEP) honest.
I was gonna bang that chick.
(EXHALES)
(SOFTLY): Okay.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
♪ ♪
(EXHALES)
(SIREN WAILING)
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So, what would you say your most pressing style needs
- are right now? - Trends.
I need to be told what the trends are going to be.
Like... what are people wearing in Japan next year? Hmm?
Also, been really feeling poopy pants these days.
No autographs. Uh-uh. (SNAPS)
You need to go!
Hi!
You guys are out of Goldfish, by the way.
- Can I help you? - Um, sorry.
That's my...
Sorry.
(WHISPERS): What are you doing?
I tried to go outside, but it's boring as shit.
It's just busses and old Asian ladies with the wheelie carts.
When did sounds get so loud, yo?
Anyway, so I came here.
- What are you guys doing? - Gretchen!
I need you to listen to me.
I cannot be your only person.
Why not?
Gretchen, this is my place of business.
Go.
- But I don't want to go. - Go.
Go. Go.
Go.
Sorry. Mentally ill neighbor.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks, Obama.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING FROM CAR STEREO)
(SIGHS)
(GASPS) Oh, good! You're done!
What are we gonna do now?
Have you been out here the whole time?!
Yeah, just like three hours.
- (SIGHS) - You told me to wait outside.
I introduced this cabbie to Jack FM.
(SINGSONGY): He loves it!
(LAUGHS) Not that Jack would care.
That guy does not play by society's rules.
I meant go outside into the world.
You are losing your shit and moping about your ex-boyfriend, but...
Not "ex," he's not my ex-boyfriend.
We're still technically engaged.
Are you goddamn kidding me?
I don't know! Who knows?!
You don't know!
Do you know?
(SIGHS)
You are my best friend in the entire world.
- We share a toothbrush. - We do?
But you can't come home tonight.
I can go anywhere.
I know, let's go kill someone.
- Focus! - Okay.
That's better. Babe, this is for your own good.
I am only going to say this once:
Gretchen, it's been...
♪ One week since you looked at me ♪
♪ Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry" ♪
♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪
♪ You said, "Get back together, come back and see me" ♪
♪ Three days since the living room ♪
♪ Realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you ♪
♪ Yesterday you'd forgiven me ♪
♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry ♪
♪ Hold it now and watch me hoodwink ♪
♪ Make yourself think ♪
♪ Think you're looking at Aquaman ♪
♪ I summon fish to the dish, although ♪
♪ I like the Chalet Swiss, I like the sushi ♪
♪ 'Cause it's never hits the frying pan, hot like wasabi ♪
♪ When I bust rhymes ♪
♪ Big like LeAnn Rimes 'cause I'm all about value ♪
- ♪ Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits. ♪ - (SCREAMS)
I can't take it anymore!
- EDGAR: What's wrong? - Well, I just got done
with a full day at work.
And then I had night work, and now I have homework.
That's three kinds of work.
And Gretchen won't give me any space.
She Canada-rapped at me.
You and me, we have jobs now.
We are businesspeople.
(GULPS)
Edgar?
We're the serious ones now.
Oh, my God.
- I miss them. - Me, too.
(AS JIMMY): My God, at least use
- a coaster, woman. - (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
(AS GRETCHEN): But I'm too busy looking at
awesome dogs on the Internet.
Right, that's it, I can't take it anymore!
I'm going downstairs.
Well, I was gonna go down there anyway to take a shower and not wash my legs.
Maybe I'll work on my tree house blueprint.
Perhaps I'll add a wall.
Don't bug me in there, I'm gonna be jerking it to gangbang porn.
I'm going to drink alcohol in my bed
and read a very boring book.
No, pay attention to me.
I'm Gretchen. Play with my hair.
Rambling speech about myself, pointed insult,
mock horror, extended metaphor that gets off track,
and then I call myself out for it!
(CHUCKLING): Thirstiness, nasal laugh, being gross.
Yet another reminder that I'm mentally ill.
Thirstiness.
Play with me. Come on, I'm Gretchen.
- Kiss me! - Stop bothering me!
- I'm bored. - All right, fine, I'll kiss you.
- Jesus! - Yeah.
- Well, do me already, dummy. - Ah, fine.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
♪ Ooh... ♪
(BOTH MOANING SOFTLY)
♪ Ooh... ♪
Hi.
Is this seat taken?
Why, no.
♪ ♪
(BOTH PANTING)
Listen, Edgar, that was... really good sex.
Right? Like really good.
But just so you know, I'm really committed to my job right now
and I don't want you to get your feelings hurt.
(PANTING SOFTLY)
(EXHALES SLOWLY)
I am so glad you said that because, as amazing as that was,
I feel, like, nothing for you.
I am all about my job right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh. Good, then.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Oh. - So, wait,
we just had dope sex, and don't feel the need to discuss it.
Ew. Not at all.
And we could, like, do this again whenever we feel like it... or not...
And be fine either way.
I think so.
Me, too.
(LAUGHS)
- Cool. - Cool.
- Cool. Cool. - Cool.
Cool.
You know, I could go again.
(CLAPS) How about this? An hour of sustained work, and then round two.
- You are so smart. - Pssh!
- (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS)
- All right. - Phew!
- This is so great. - (PAGE FLIPS)
After all that time with annoying-ass Gretchen,
you're not even trying to bother me while I...
- Shh... - Sorry.
♪ ♪
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
♪ Living in a concrete jungle ♪
♪ Searching for something that I ♪
♪ Don't think I'll ever find ♪
Come here, you.
♪ Chisel the walls of the city ♪
♪ That blinds me ♪
Mmm.
There she is.
Oh, I missed you.
♪ To relate to ♪
(MOANS) Divine.
Shh. Shh.
Shh.
(PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES)
(TY MOANS SOFTLY)
♪ Take me home ♪
♪ I am ready for it ♪
♪ I know you can love ♪
♪ More than I can ♪
(TY MOANING)
♪ Take me home ♪