[Sully] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
I really like your idea, Leslie. The women in comedy thing.
I had an interesting conversation with CBS today.
Girls Are Funny Too. Freddie wants to hear the formal pitch.
Well, what I want to know, Nick, is where you've been
the last three years.
[Bill] But let's ask the real question:
How the fuck did you get Carson?
It turns out that, unlike you, I'm really fucking funny.
[laughter]
You went all Pavlov's pussy the other night at Canter's
every time Nick opened his mouth.
Can't you ever try to be just a little bit better
than you were the day before? Ever?
Bill, it's over. Go home.
This is your room when we don't need it.
[Adam] Hey, so, them girls out there,
- they... they prostitutes? - [woman] Models.
I'm not leaving until I cum!
- Where's your bouncer? - We don't have bouncers.
We're an exclusive modeling...
Agency? We passed three blowjobs on the way here.
Okay? The jig is up.
- You're a comic, right? - I just do the open mic.
Just it's not a lot of... yeah, not a lot of options.
I got a place you can go up right now.
Hi. My name is Ron. And I'm an alcoholic?
Eat up. We got to meet the mattress guy in an hour.
- I got The Tonight Show. - [woman] Mr. Beverly,
we're coming back from commercial in five.
Mr. Beverly?
♪ jazz music ♪
♪♪♪
[Edgar] Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right.
Tell your face.
[laughter]
[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
[wild laughter]
[Adam] I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad was in the business...
of breaking shit.
[laughter continues]
[Cassie] Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.
[laughter]
[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
[laughter and applause]
[distant laughter]
♪ jazz music ♪
♪♪♪
[man] Everyone please keep it down.
Last looks, please. Last looks.
We're back in two.
♪♪♪
[man] Please keep it down, people.
We're back in two.
We are back in two.
♪♪♪
You're gonna do great.
♪♪♪
[man] Quiet on the set, please.
♪♪♪
[laughter]
[Nick] I met Tom Jones in makeup.
All these years I've watched at home,
I always wondered who was behind these curtains.
Are you the great and powerful Oz?
[chuckles softly]
♪♪♪
You got any courage on you?
Shh.
[applause]
[Carson] Welcome back.
Now, because you seem like such a great audience,
we have someone really special coming out:
a young comic who's currently appearing at Goldie's,
located on our own Sunset Strip.
Would you all please welcome a very funny young man,
Nick Beverly!
[cheers and applause]
[band plays The Tonight Show theme music]
♪♪♪
Wow.
Feels so good to be here.
So, my girlfriend broke up with me recently.
Yep, just snuck out in the middle of the night.
Either that or we were robbed and they only took her stuff.
[studio audience laughs]
[Nick] It was probably time, though.
Our love life... not so great.
You know it's not good
when your girlfriend refers to sex with you
as "taking one for the team."
Yeah, hey, I wish there was a team.
Means I'd still have four girlfriends left.
And my ex has already started seeing someone else.
It's only been a month, and already she's
yelling at some other guy for leaving wet towels on the floor,
like my wet towels meant nothing.
[studio audience laughs]
It's sad, really. She was my best friend.
I mean, after she scared all my real friends away.
But I'm seeing someone now too.
You know, when her shades are up.
No, it's not like that. It's not like that.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's very innocent and sweet.
It's your typical... boy sees girl,
girl sees boy seeing girl,
cops warn boy,
boy has to stay 500 feet from girl at all times...
kind of story.
[laughter]
Yep, a love as old as time.
[no audible dialogue]
[applause]
♪ somber jazz music ♪
[TV static drones]
♪♪♪
Hey.
Did you see me tonight?
Of course I saw you.
And?
You looked good. Real good.
I didn't get the couch.
Doesn't matter.
We did Carson, baby.
We're on our way.
Yeah.
Did you bring me any presents?
Ohh.
[giggles]
I could hear Johnny laughing.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Probably just ran late.
Are we gonna be rich now?
'Cause I want to buy a real TV.
So I can see you in color.
Talked to a lot of people making a lot of promises.
[sighs] Would've been nice to get the couch, though.
Do you think we could get a pool?
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Jesus, Arnie, we got to see that first thing in the morning?
Shouldn't there be a bulge or something in the front of those?
I mean, you look like a fucking G.I. Joe doll down there.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you show me your tits?
- I'll get a hard-on for you. - [Ron] Oh.
You owe me eight bucks for gas and water.
I already paid.
Talking to fuck-face.
Uh, I'm a little light, Ensign.
How about we barter, huh? Say six boxes of Rice-A-Roni
plus a nifty 50-cent piece?
I still got four boxes left over from the phone bill.
I'll cover it, Arnie.
Thanks, Eddie.
You know, you're one lucky douche.
You might want to think about sticking a sock in there.
Kind of looks like you're being blown by a baby mouse.
Fuck you.
[sniffs]
Hey, man. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna get a job as soon as possible.
I promise.
You know, I could probably get you a couple shifts at the deli.
As soon as possible, within reason.
You really are one lucky douche.
[Marty] First of all, and pardon my French,
but Fred has had a boner for you for quite a while.
[Goldie laughs]
First of all, that's not French,
but I'll take the compliment.
I can't wait to meet him.
So, what are Fred's thoughts?
We been tossing around possible hosts, for starters.
Totie Fields's name came up.
Totie is wonderful,
but isn't her health kind of crap right now?
What about Sally Struthers?
All in the Family goes into production in a month.
Well, how about Cloris Leachman?
She's got Mary Tyler Moore, and there's...
there's talk of a possible spin-off,
so she's got a little too much on her plate right now.
Eh, she's a friend. I-I could just give her a call.
[chuckles]
Can't hurt to ask.
Great. Well, let's talk about talent.
Now, this new kid, Elayne Boosler,
funny as shit.
Marsha Warfield,
- she is hi-larious. - [Marty] Mm-hmm.
Daphne Davis. She's got something going on.
And this kid. Karen Cozwell.
She is a riot.
Yeah, she's gonna break. Uh-uh, you can trust me on that.
Yeah, Boosler and Warfield... I like them.
Davis... they're all on our radar.
I don't know about this one.
You know, we'll have to vet her.
They're all gems, Marty.
They're handpicked by Goldie herself.
And that means a lot. But, uh, Fred has his process.
Which is why CBS is sitting on top of the ratings.
I-I'm sure Goldie can arrange something. Right, Goldie?
Well, yeah. We got the, uh,
Ladies Night in the Cellar.
Why don't you come see a showcase, huh?
Sure.
[dog barking in distance]
- It's a little light. - Light?
Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Hey! Hey!
Relax. I got money coming, man.
Don't tell me to fucking relax.
What? You think just 'cause you and my cousin are tight
I'm gonna sell you some smack on fucking credit?
- Get the fuck out of here. - Give me a break, all right?
Shit's tight right now.
I spent all the money I got trying to get set up out here.
But I was on Carson last night. Did you catch that?
I don't care if you were on the fucking moon last night.
Yo, anyway, money's not gonna be a problem.
All right? Trust me.
I ain't trusting no fucking junkie.
I'm not a fucking junkie.
No, not you. None of yous are.
Tell you what. Why don't you suck my dick,
and I'll give you two bags? Fuck you.
[laughs]
Usually "fuck you" is an exit line.
I'll give you my leather.
It's practically new.
It's worth 80 bucks, all right?
That's a gift from my mother. Your fucking mother?
Yeah.
You're not a junkie.
♪ bluesy rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey, what's up, young brother? How's the new digs treating you?
Would've been nice if you told me it was a fucking whorehouse.
- It's not a whorehouse. - Oh, yeah. Modeling agency.
Look, I done got the whole bullshit speech.
Barton, I don't want to seem unappreciative or nothing,
but...
I don't know if I want to work for no pimp.
[laughs]
You're something else,
coming in here all hot.
You know, my dad ran a jazz club
on LA's Central Avenue.
Some of the best talent in the country came through that place.
Packed houses every weekend.
My daddy was so proud of that place.
First hit of reefer I ever took was with Charlie Parker.
[chuckles]
Now, white cops...
they didn't like niggas getting ahead,
so they started extorting money
from my dad and all the other black-owned businesses.
You tried to resist, you got hit with fines,
restrictions, fire code violations,
or worse.
Then they brought Willie Parker in to clean shit up.
And he did...
for white people.
He called us monkeys.
After a while,
all the legitimate businesses like my dad's?
They just went away.
Now, you tell me what's left for a black man.
Let me guess. Prostitution?
Son, you knock on the front door till your knuckles bloody,
and nobody opens?
Eventually, you slip around the back and you pick the lock.
♪♪♪
Know your history, boy,
next time you want to talk shit to a man.
♪♪♪
[phone ringing]
[Teddy] Hello?
I'm looking for Nick Beverly.
Hello?
Nick?
No. This is Teddy King.
I-I'm-I'm-I'm wanting to speak to Nick.
Is he there?
[laughter]
Good news, ladies.
We got our own cigarettes.
- [scattered cheers] - Yeah.
Thank you, Virginia Slims.
Equal rights? No.
Equal wages? Not a chance.
But equal chances of getting lung cancer?
After you, madam!
[laughter]
All right, I'm 27 and single,
and I think part of the reason for this is
because I had a really tough childhood.
Both of my parents died when I was ten.
- [audience] Aww. - Thank you.
It's okay, really. They died in their sleep.
They just happened to be behind the wheel of a car at the time.
[laughter]
It's really hard not having role models.
You need someone to teach you how stuff works,
like relationships
or seatbelts.
[laughter]
Hey, I like that new stuff you doing.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
What you doing tomorrow night?
- Eating over the sink. Why? - I need a favor.
[chuckles] Oh, who doesn't love a compliment with a caveat?
No, no, no, no. This is a... this a good favor.
I got this industrial tomorrow night
for a bunch of TWA execs.
Sonny and Cher got me tied up,
so it would really help me out if you'd do it.
Super easy. I'ma give you a list of names
of dudes you can bust on.
They love it.
I don't know. I've never done an industrial before.
Two hundred cash for 30 minutes.
Next time, lead with that.
[laughs]
Good-looking crowd tonight. Thanks for being here.
Hi. My name's Ron, and I am an alcoholic.
[all] Hi, Ron.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Th-thank you. Hi.
Um, so, my mother was a big woman.
I mean, a very big woman.
I actually tried to get her
to come here to this meeting tonight,
but she refused when she heard there were 12 steps.
[all laugh]
What else about drinking?
Uh, I-I-I think my mother being so heavy is-is actually
the reason that I started drinking to begin with,
because basically anything solid in the house, she ate,
so all that were left were liquids.
[laughter]
Uh, one time, back home in Tennessee...
this is a true story...
I saw my mother get trapped outside during a tornado.
The woman did not budge.
I mean, honestly, it-it was like watching God run out of breath.
[blowing]
Why?
[blows]
Why can't I move...
[blows]
this cow?
[laughter]
Um,
yeah, but-but, you know, I kid.
I lo-I love my mother. Uh, what else?
♪ upbeat music ♪
Waitressing is so different
from that Let's Make a Deal freak show.
So glad to be out of there.
I was a contestant on The Dating Game once.
Didn't get picked, but still walked away with 50 bucks
and a salon-style hairdryer.
Mmm!
- What are you doing there? - Booth of high rollers.
Show a little boob. It'll bump up your tip.
Oh. What's the boob-to-tip ratio here?
Minimum cleavage for the riff-raff...
- Mm-hmm. - two buttons
for a bachelor party,
three buttons and the tip of a nip
for anyone wearing Pierre Cardin.
Ka-ching!
If they're wearing Pierre Cardin,
I'll just go ahead and show my whole...
I'm just saying he didn't get the couch.
No, no-no, they went long. Joan Embery brought an ocelot
and a woolly monkey.
Wild animals suck at keeping a tight five.
- That's true. - It could've been worse, right?
Imagine Helen Reddy is subbing.
- Mm. - Helen Reddy subbing
and not getting the couch?
I mean, that'd be like, I don't know,
fucking not getting laid at the VFW after last call.
- [Ralph] That happens. - Don't let me stop you, please.
Go on shitting on Nick's killing it on Carson.
Sully, I need you tomorrow in the Cellar to emcee Ladies Night
for the Girls Are Funny, Too producers.
Shit, uh, I would.
Um, I have sales calls until late.
I can do it. Right?
I could do that pelvic exam chunk up front?
Okay, Manny, you're in.
Just "Welcome, ladies and germs" will be sufficient, though.
Oh, and while we're talking about Nick, little heads up.
He's gonna get double spots Thursday through Sunday.
Anybody got a problem with that,
you can take it to the Ice House.
As you were, ladies.
Fucking double spots. You believe this shit?
She going with the hot hand.
She would never give a Mexican double spots.
Puerto Rican? Maybe.
Mexican? No way, José.
- Relax, Cantinflas. - [laughs]
It's not a conspiracy. You're Mexican, Puerto Rican...
either way, it's just jokes
about different street fair foods.
I'm getting so fucking sick of this place.
I'd trade you, man. I have an 8 a.m. sales call
tomorrow in fucking Torrance.
Boo-hoo. I do electrical work.
Ralph writes for Sonny and Cher,
and Edgar deals drugs.
I consider myself a freelance pharmacist.
Okay. We all have day jobs.
No, no, no, Bill. You have a day job.
I have a day and a night job,
'cause I got the work, I got the kid,
and I've got all of here, don't I?
Don't you sell auto parts?
- [Bill] What? - [laughter]
You know, you try getting some guy worked up
about buying your crescent wrench
over some other asshole's, and see if it's easy.
That is true.
Well, okay.
Yeah. Pick me up at 7 a.m.
Seriously? You're gonna go on sales calls?
Yeah. Why not?
Be good to get the fuck out of this shithole,
even if it's only for a day.
- Let's do it. - All right. I'm in.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Guy in booth three wanted your number.
I told him I was not your secretary,
and that he'd just have to look it up on the men's room stall
like everybody else.
Fuck off, Lovis.
You're gonna find yourself saying that a lot.
[chuckles] "Fuck off, Lovis."
- How hot? - Look, dude,
the two hottest alcoholics you've ever seen, okay?
I can't speak for their livers, but their bodies? Both tens.
Okay, so, other than them falling off the wagon
and passing out before us ordering the meal,
how exactly are we gonna pay for this double date?
[stammers] Why do you always got to get so hung up on details?
It's not details. It's fucking money.
Wh-what if the restaurant doesn't take
boxes of Rice-A-Roni in trade?
Then what?
All right, you know what, Eddie?
I need a win, okay?
No. You need a job.
When have I ever asked you for anything?
- Uh... - That was fucking rhetorical.
All right, listen, man.
I'm saving my tips for a rainy day, all right?
The literal rainy day when Arnie kicks us out
for not making rent, and it's raining.
Look. The girls like this place...
- Oh, man. - called Big Wally's
House of Sizzle on Pico.
It's cheap. I checked it out. It's cheap.
It's, you know, fish and chips and hamburgers.
Everything's about three bucks. They don't even drink.
So, I figure we're in, for the whole shebang,
like 20 bucks with tip.
You know, right now our whole shebang is about 40 bucks.
Why can't we just take them for a nice ice cream cone
or go for a nice stroll?
A stroll?
I'm trying to get laid,
not pose for a fucking Rockwell painting, man.
[scoffs] Is this about Cassie? Is that what this is?
- What? - 'Cause you know what?
For the first time, this isn't about your dick.
This is about my dick. My dick!
You hear me, Eddie? The my... my dick!
[sighs]
Hm.
What? Just fucking say it.
Oh, you just remind me so much of your mother.
What up, Cellar dweller? How you liking it?
Beats open mic. I can tell you that.
Fucking jury duty better than open mic.
I haven't seen Carl in a while.
Yeah. I had to let him go.
He was trying to box me up and shit.
Man, this whole town trying to box you up.
Managers, Goldie, LAPD.
[chuckles]
Where you staying now?
Weren't you living at Carl's?
Yeah, I found a place. It's temporary.
Yeah? Where?
Why do I get that feeling
you already know the answer to that question?
Look. It's none of my business who you hang with,
but Barton Royce?
Nothing good gonna come out of that.
What, you know Barton?
I know a hundred Bartons.
Look, man. All I know is that I was sleeping
in a abandoned Rambler for a week
before he gave me a roof, so...
I get it. The man did you a solid.
It's cool.
I'm just looking out for you.
Just checking in.
Them whores feeding you?
[chuckles]
- Models. - Models.
[both laugh]
Look. How about you come to my house,
I cook you some real food,
and we can put some meat on these motherfucking bones?
You dig?
I dig.
All right.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Is that your Midnight Special shirt?
Yeah. Paid 30 bucks for it.
Might as well get some use out of it, you know?
What are you doing?
It's 7:30. Just having a little...
cockadoodle-doobie.
This sales call's in 15 minutes.
We are right outside the place.
That's all the more reason to loosen up, man.
Look at you.
This outfit. Look at your fucking face.
What's wrong with it?
You look like you're trying to take a shit
after winning a grilled cheese eating competition.
Ugh.
You got to loosen up.
- No. - Come on.
Come on.
- Aah! - Yes!
Yes.
- Mm-hmm. - [turns up stereo]
Mm-hmm!
♪ Rambling man ♪
Yeah, buddy.
Let's sell some car parts, motherfucker!
[knocking at door]
Hey, hon. Bonanza's cancelled.
[chuckles] Good news is
now Lorne Green can devote full time to his singing.
- [laughs] - I wanted to talk to you
- about Girls Are Funny, Too. - So, talk.
I hear you're doing a showcase.
I'd like to go up.
Now don't talk.
Just so there's no confusion,
we've already picked our girls.
Yeah, right, of course. I just...
Cass, your material's getting there.
People are noticing. I'm noticing.
It's all the more reason to take your time.
- Hmm? - Can I go up anyway?
I mean, exposure's exposure, right?
Sweetie, people die from exposure all the time.
You go up, they don't like your ten,
who knows when you'll see daylight again?
Be smart. Wait.
And when the time comes,
we blow them the fuck away.
Gus, I'm not saying it's the only cylinder bolt set.
I'm saying it's the best.
Now, watch how that opening slides onto that shaft
just like God intended.
[both laugh]
- How horny is God, huh? - What?
Birds do it. Bees do it. I get it.
But cylinder bolt sets?
It's like God's always getting it on.
Your desk lamp, there. You screw in your light bulb.
Everything's sex with him.
Seriously, God, if it's not too much to ask,
how about pulling up your pants and giving war and famine
a little attention?
Here's an idea. You want to spill seed?
Ethiopia.
Huh, I must say that's a hell of a sales tactic.
- Yep. - Come in here and blaspheme.
No, he's a little bit unorthodox.
Downright rude's what he is.
Am I wrong? I mean, if God wanted us to make babies,
he didn't have to get the penis and the vagina involved.
We could've easily just stuck our finger in a girl's ear,
but nope... he had to get little God
to do all the thinking for him.
Gus, he's been hit by lightning four times.
He's got a steel plate in his head.
But fortunately for us... you and me...
he's a whiz at auto parts.
Gus, let's talk gaskets.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
[laughing] What the fuck was that?
That was the sound of me waiting in the car
at your next sales call.
- I loved the God run. - Oh, thank you.
You did not see the crucifix on the way in.
Ohh, I did not.
- God! - [both laughing]
Ah, I'm so fucked. [laughing]
[Bill] Yep. Probably.
[Tawny] Chamomile tea is very good for you.
But I can't remember if it's a flower or a beautiful weed.
Hey, Nick.
Nick, look who's here. It's Teddy from New York.
Remember Teddy?
Yeah, I remember Ted.
Remember his cabaret club on 23rd?
- Mm-hmm. - We saw Peter, Paul and Mary
there.
- [sniffs] - Your check came.
It's the brand-new television we talked about getting.
Remember?
Yeah, right.
Right.
- It's 32 inches. - Mm.
I didn't give you a proper welcome.
Excuse me.
Just moved in, so...
Tawny's putting it together as we go.
Hey, in New York, you find a rug mid-town,
you drag it all the way down to the Village.
So, what can I do for you, Ted?
I saw you on Carson.
Mm.
Want to see if I can convince you to come play my club.
Afraid Goldie's already beat you to it.
Mm.
She always does.
[Nick] Plus, the phone's ringing off the hook, so...
lot of shit happening.
I know. I tried calling.
Your answering service could barely speak,
and then she hung up on me.
Hope all those big mucky-mucks are getting through.
[chuckles] Hey, who loves a soft peddler, huh?
Always nice to see old friends from New York, Teddy.
Look, Nicky, I'm not judging.
You know what I had for breakfast this morning?
Had three fingers of Scotch and some banana bread.
We've all got our shit, Nick.
Shit still costs money.
So, how much is she paying you? Right.
Besides promising you the moon, of course.
[chuckles]
See, that's why she drives a Caddy.
Now... [clears throat]
[sniffs]
I will give you half the door
if you work for me exclusively for one month.
Cash.
Thanks. I'm good.
[Teddy] All right, Nick.
Cards on the table.
Folks like Goldie, they don't understand survival.
Top of the food chain never does.
Big picture, it sounds nice in theory.
Guys like me and you?
We live in a snapshot of right now.
So, I say fuck the moon.
Man's got to live, right?
[loud thud]
♪ somber music ♪
Well, um, I'll be going.
You think it over.
Yeah.
Motorola Quasar.
Nice.
♪ Walk on by ♪
[Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By" plays on stereo]
♪ Walk on by ♪
[imitates trumpet sounds]
♪ Make believe ♪
♪ That you don't see the tears ♪
♪ Just let me grieve in private ♪
[together] ♪ 'Cause each time I see you ♪
♪ I break down and cry ♪
♪ Walk on by ♪
♪ Don't stop ♪
[humming along to music]
♪ Walk on by ♪
♪ Don't stop ♪
♪ Walk on by ♪
♪ Aye-aye-aye ♪
♪ Oh-oh-ohh ♪
♪ I just can't get over losing you ♪
- ♪ Losing you ♪ - ♪ And so if I seem ♪
- ♪ So if I seem ♪ - ♪ Broken and blue ♪
[together] ♪ Walk on by ♪
[imitates trumpet sounds]
[beatboxing]
[together] ♪ Walk on by ♪
[imitates trumpet sounds]
[together] ♪ Foolish pride ♪
♪ Is all that I have left ♪
♪ So let me cry ♪
♪ The tears and the sadness you gave me ♪
♪ When you said good-bye ♪ [voice breaks]
[Sully] ♪ Ee-ah-ee-ahh ♪
[Sully] ♪ Walk on by ♪
[music stops]
♪ Yeah ♪
You know she did the right thing dumping you, right?
You're a total loser
and you have the intellectual acumen of a goldfish
floating on its back.
You know, if we were in a meadow,
I'd be running towards you right now in slow motion.
Fuck Cassie, man. It's her loss!
You think this is about Cassie?
It's Dionne Warwick, man.
She was on Midnight Special
the night I was supposed to do it.
Okay, well, let's, uh, find some music that doesn't commemorate
one of your many failures, huh? Thank you.
♪ 'Cause I'm talking like the way I do ♪
[upbeat R&B music plays over stereo]
♪ I've got something for you, baby... ♪
Well, you're here early.
What are you doing?
Reveling in your Carson buzz?
Waiting to talk to Goldie.
- Fun. - Yeah.
Saw your stuff the other night.
That is some out-there shit.
Well, I'll just take that as a compliment
and change the subject to the weather.
[sighs]
Where's tall, red, and angry?
Bill and I aren't exactly on speaking terms.
Or really any terms right now.
Oh, I think, with Bill,
détente is the most any of us can hope for.
I'm doing this industrial later.
There's nothing wrong with a little quick cash, right?
Not from where I sit.
No fucking clue what it is I'm doing going up there.
Hell of a way to make a living.
[scoffs]
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference."
Is that what I'm doing going up there tonight?
Taking the road less traveled by?
Everybody thinks Frost was
talking about taking the road less traveled being
the difference between betcha-by-golly-wow
and a life of quiet desperation.
It's bullshit.
Is this the part where I smile, bat my eyelashes,
and ask you to go on?
Every path will fuck you to some extent.
Think about it.
What would you be doing if you'd chosen another path?
Second-grade school teacher?
Popped out a half-dozen kids?
Hang yourself at 30?
You chose this path.
Nothing to do now but cross your fingers and see what happens.
Follow the yellow brick road.
[laughs softly]
[whistles]
- Ah, thank you. - Eh.
Thank you.
[sighs]
I could do this.
Open road, steady paycheck.
Yeah. It's a nice...
peaceful death.
Like a coal miner falling asleep
as the last bit of oxygen is sucked out of the cave-in.
Yeah. At least you got a wife and kids to go home to.
- A real life. - You know, I'm starting
to think real life is overrated.
That's 'cause you don't remember what it was like being single.
I remember there was a lot more blowjobs.
What, you don't get blown when you're married?
Just holidays.
Well, now I have Father's Day. That's nice.
So, basically, if there's no mail,
you get a blowjob.
[laughs]
I'm starting to hate the fucking quiet.
It's like we wait all day for these 15 minutes.
Then maybe Canter's, home, television, bowl of cereal.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Are you insane?
You know my average shit takes 45 minutes
'cause that's my only time alone?
I'm done after five minutes, and the rest is just sighing
and Reader's Digest.
Yeah? Last night, I ate SpaghettiOs
out of the pan in my boxers while watching
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
I went to Sears to look for refrigerators.
I got so dizzy I had to lay on the patio furniture.
There's a mannequin with, you know,
- barbecue tongs next to me. - Mm-hmm.
We were wearing the same pants.
What, did we both just sprout vaginas
in the last five minutes?
We did get a little chatty, didn't we?
Yeah.
- I think I know why. - What?
- Yeah. Turn around. - What are you doing?
What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?
[grunting] God!
That shirt, man!
Cassie got it for you.
It's turning our testicles into ovaries.
[laughs]
Is it better? Yeah?
Yeah. I got to admit I kind of feel like
talking about last night's game and spitting in public.
- See? - Mm.
No, that fucking thing is cursed.
I fucking hate that I miss her.
I know.
But...
the breeze is nice.
[laughs] Yeah.
♪ percussive jazz music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey, uh, we are actually ready to order.
- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah. We'll just have
four of your delightful cheddar burgers, please.
Okay. You don't want to hear the specials?
- Nah. - Oh, specials.
They always have great specials. What are they?
Well, tonight, it's lobster tails
with drawn butter and baked potato
for $9.95.
- Huh. - I-I-I-I think the delightful
cheddar burgers will work out...
I'll have the lobster tails. Oh, me too.
Can we just look at the menus again?
[man] Uh, yeah, sure.
Here you go.
Thank you.
♪♪♪
[man] Can I help you?
Hi. I'm Cassie Feder.
I'm here to do the TWA show.
Ralph sent me.
You're a woman.
Hence the vagina.
Is that a problem?
Well, you're here now.
You ever done one of these before?
Nope. First time.
Well, enjoy the deep end of the pool.
You're on in ten.
Fucking lobster tails?
We got 25 bucks. Just their fucking lobster tails alone
are gonna put us at 20.
I know, I know. Just the way they went on
about the cheeseburgers, I just thought it was a done deal.
You know, this is complete bullshit,
and you do this all the time.
No, it's... no, it's not my... it's the fucking waiter, man.
He blindsided us with those fucking lobster tails.
Hey! Hey!
Dude! You totally fucked us.
- What? - We had 25 bucks,
which is perfect for four cheeseburgers,
but then you totally fucked us with your $9.95 lobster tails.
Sorry. If it's any consolation, they're really good.
No. Any consolation would be four fucking cheeseburgers.
Look, is there anything you can do
to help us not look like losers?
He really needs to get laid.
Right now, my dick is like a grenade with the pin pulled out.
Uh, well, uh, there's our hot wing challenge.
Eat a bucket of our hot wings in 15 minutes or less,
- and they're on us. - As in free?
You still got to pay for the girls' food,
but it's the best I can do.
- Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah. - Okay.
- Two orders. - Fifteen minutes?
Yeah. Just be warned, though: they're really fucking hot.
Yeah, I mean, how hot can they be?
[Karen] How many of you mothers in here hate your kids?
[laughter]
Nobody? I'm not talking about husband hate.
I mean more like a kid-sized portion of disdain.
[laughter]
Now, listen. I don't hate being a mother.
I just hate the word "mom."
Ugh!
To me, when I hear "mom," it's like hearing "fire!"
And I just want to run as fast as I can in the other direction.
I don't even want to stop to drop and roll.
And there are just so many annoying ways
for kids to say it:
Mommy,
Mama,
Ma!
I just can't wait to die, basically.
We've known each other a long time.
I just wanted you to hear it from me.
Yeah, 'cause "fuck you" sounds so much nicer in person?
It's a month. Then if you want me back...
You're hot now.
We had an agreement.
Got to keep the lights on.
[sighs]
- What's he promising? - Half the door.
[scoffs] That's half of nothing nowadays.
Little more than what you pay.
You want to settle for a few bucks
when you could walk off of my stage
with the world by the short hairs?
Your call.
I just thought you were smarter than that is all.
Look. I love magic beans just as much as the next guy,
but I'm just trying to get through the day.
And then what?
There's big things coming down the road.
How far down the road are we talking?
Because it's great when you have a Caddy,
but it's a bitch when you're hoofing it
with an anvil on your back.
It's not an anvil on your back.
♪ somber music ♪
What? Am I wrong?
♪♪♪
I never pegged you for a sucker, Nick.
♪♪♪
Is that my cue to sit back down?
Sit, stand, leave, go shoot up in a fucking alley.
Your call.
♪♪♪
He's buying low, Nick.
Yeah? What are you buying?
Me? I'm betting on the man.
He's betting on the junkie.
He knows junkie's are all about the short-term,
and you will take whatever fucking pittance he offers.
And you're offering... what is it, again?
Oh, right. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow's all you got.
And even that's hanging by a thread.
I got a stack of messages from people calling me to get to you.
How many calls you think Teddy's got? Hm?
He's just some blowhard.
Had a club in New York a hundred years ago
that Bob Dylan and Woody Allen farted in,
and now he thinks he can come out here
and, in two years, pull off what I, in one way or another,
have been doing my entire fucking life.
The connections I've nurtured, the careers I've made...
I own this motherfucking strip!
Fuck the Store and fuck the Troubadour
and fuck that shithead for betting on you dying
and not on the artist we both know you are.
♪♪♪
Want to know why you'll stay here, Nick?
Because if you don't, you will die.
♪♪♪
Far as I can tell,
magic beans are the only real option you have left.
♪♪♪
I know you'll get your shit straightened out.
♪♪♪
You go up in an hour, hm?
♪♪♪
[panting and grunting]
So, Gail,
Ron tells me your father's a podiatrist.
Twenty years.
That's some feat.
Don't. [coughs]
Christy's dad is a mechanic
- and amateur geologist. - Hmm.
Could we get some water over here, please?
[panting and grunting]
Food should not hurt like this.
- Six minutes, guys. - Ah!
[grunting]
[panting]
So, how many of you guys have ever flown drunk?
[scattered shouts]
Oh, I think I see a hand
coming up from under the table.
Is that you, Ned Gibbs?
[cheers and applause]
- Hey! Classic Ned. - [man] I wouldn't mind
seeing you under my table!
- [laughter and cheers] - Oh, my.
This man, ladies and gentlemen, is why I take the bus.
You want to join the Mile High Club?
With you? Oh, no, thanks.
But if it's any consolation,
I would consider joining the Mile Away Club.
- [cheers and laughter] - Seriously, if your dick is
as big as your mouth, maybe,
but I'm betting it's as big as your brain,
so enjoy your solo flight.
- [cheers and applause] - Yeah! All right!
♪ percussive music ♪
♪♪♪
You guys don't look like you're enjoying your wings that much.
Oh, no. What? Are you kidding?
These are tears of deliciousness.
Maybe if you slowed down a little bit.
No, no, no. Everybody knows speed enhances flavor.
- I'm done. - No, you're not.
- I quit, Ron, okay? I quit! - No, you're not.
I got half of Rosemary's baby
sticking out of my asshole right now, okay?
- I quit. I'm done. - Guys, what's going on?
- Nothing. - The truth is that...
Ron wanted to impress one of you,
but we don't have enough money to pay for all four meals,
so we took the Hot Wings Challenge,
and now I think we're dying.
It burns when I blink.
Oh, my God. That is so sweet.
Why didn't you say something? We can totally chip in.
That you'd do that for us
makes me wish we weren't celibate right now.
[clears throat] Celi-what?
Celibate. For a year.
Hello? Newly sober.
[Gail] You're in the program.
No sex for the first year of sobriety.
Builds a strong foundation.
[coughs]
So, sex is-is totally off the-the table, then?
I know. Sucks, right?
[loud, continuous flatulence]
[coughs]
You did not just do that.
Yeah, I'm just sort of hoping
a year from now you won't remember.
[man] Thank you.
So, who had the lobster tails?
What did I tell you? Cozwell a winner, or what?
You do know how to pick 'em, Gold.
She's good. I'll give you that.
You want to kick it up a notch, there, Marty?
You're barely at faint praise.
I just feel we should be going a different way.
And what way is that?
Not funny?
Who's the cute blonde you got going up here?
Does the Texas Jew thing.
Some of my guys saw her.
They think she really has something.
Cassie Feder?
Eh, if she's the cute blonde with the twang, then yeah, her.
Believe me. Karen is the way to go.
Sure, yeah, if we're doing radio.
What is this? A fucking Miss America pageant now?
I-I mean, you made that girl do a whole dog and pony.
You could've made that call from her headshot.
Marty, what's looks got to do with funny, anyway?
Yeah.
Diller, Rivers, Burnett...
they're not exactly centerfolds.
You make my point, Eli.
This is the new guard.
It shouldn't look like the old guard.
We want the next Goldie Hawn,
not the next Ruth Buzzi.
Cassie's not ready yet.
I got a laugh track says she is.
So, if we're understanding you,
we agree to this, the project moves forward?
Green. Lit.
Uh, Ralph said the pay was 200.
It is if you're Ralph.
Let me know if you want to do any more of these gigs.
There's a novelty aspect to a woman who can go blue.
Plays well on both sides of the aisle.
Like a chicken playing piano?
Little late to slip the bow back into your hair.
Keep in touch.
Hey, funny lady. You got me good in there.
[chuckles] Oh, I hope I wasn't too tough on you.
Oh, no hard feelings.
So, how long have you been doing comedy?
About two years now.
I can't say I didn't have it coming.
- [both chuckle] - Well, you're a good sport.
Thanks for playing along.
I don't suppose I could buy you one drink,
make up for my bad behavior?
Oh, that's very sweet. Thank you.
But I got another gig. It's at 1:45 in the morning,
so I better move it along.
All right, so that's it? Your last impression of me is
gonna be the asshole just shouting sexual innuendo
from the audience? No. No asshole.
But I do have to go.
One drink. Then I'll let you be on your merry way.
Now, I bet you're into guys who like to be humiliated.
It's not really my thing.
[Cassie] Please take your hand off me.
Oh, hey, come on. What happened to the girl
that was up on stage?
I like her better.
I need you to get the fuck away from me.
- Look. - [gasps]
I've been with a hundred stewardesses.
I know what's an act and what's not.
Get off of me!
- Back the fuck up, asshole! - Aah!
Fuck! Fucking bitch!
Fucking-a!
You okay, honey?
[breathing heavily]
♪ tense music ♪
♪♪♪
Might want to stock up.
♪♪♪
[breathing heavily]
♪♪♪
[Betty] How'd it go?
[Sully] Eh...
[scoffs] so-so.
No one seemed to really be in a buying mood today.
[Betty] That's okay. You'll get 'em tomorrow.
I wish I had your confidence.
[Betty] I think you need a pep talk.
Hey, tell Daddy how proud you are of him.
Tell him.
[baby cooing]
[Betty] Daddy works so hard.
Yes, he does. Yes, he does!
[groovy rock music plays over stereo]
Courvoisier.
Ain't you supposed to mix this with Coca-Cola or some shit?
At $22 a bottle, hell no.
You know, I made this bar myself.
Shit, something like that run you 800 bucks.
Hell, you know, I made all this.
I mean, I didn't make it with my hands,
just... shit didn't just appear.
You-you hear what I'm saying?
Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.
You could have shit, too. I have seen your act.
You a talented motherfucker.
Thank you.
I guess I'm not sure what I want anymore.
Heh! What's to know?
Don't you want success?
I'm sitting deep in the end zone.
Feel me?
I got you. I got you.
It's just...
like, Sonny and Cher?
I don't think I can do that.
Maybe before. But n-now it's...
I think I want something different.
Mm.
Different?
You mean like camping out at a whorehouse, living off scraps?
That kind of different?
Or hitching your wagon to a pimp in shiny shoes
dressing like he got someplace to go different?
[chuckles]
No. I mean respect different.
Oh, you don't think I get respect?
Oh, now you lost your tongue?
Like, wait. What, you think you made it?
You think this sorry-ass bar you made or any of this
means shit to me?
You don't know sacrifice.
And you know it too well.
You know, who the fuck do you think you are?
You in my fucking house.
You think you're Gregory? Pryor?
You're not. You're just a trifling nigga
standing on a stepstool
pretending like it's Mount Sinai.
Thanks for dinner.
[Ralph] You want to talk about respect?
Men have lived because I got motherfucking respect!
[door shuts]
♪♪♪
♪ Well, do what you wanna do but do all right ♪
♪♪♪
[sighs]
I called Gus.
I'm meeting him for drinks.
Dude, it's getting late. We go up in an hour.
I-I'll... I'll... I'll drop you off at Goldie's.
[laughing] I got to...
fix that mess from earlier.
Seriously?
All right.
For when you clock out, huh?
[laughs]
[engine turns over]
Most people say thank you when you get a joint.
- Fuck you. - Eh.
[Eddie] Seriously, you have to start chipping in.
It's not my fault. I mean... I mean, this wasn't our plan.
Your friend who was supposed to give us a place to live
got hit by a fucking bus.
I mean, at least admit that's sort of a monkey wrench.
So, what?
You still got to do something.
You're like the story of the ant and the grasshopper.
The what?
The ant and the grasshopper.
The ant busts his ass
while the grasshopper jerks off all summer.
Then when the fucking winter comes, the grasshopper's like,
"Help me, ant," and the ant is like,
"Fuck you, grasshopper. I work for a living."
So, the moral of the story is the ant's a fucking dick?
No. The moral of the story is no one owes you shit, Ron.
Get a fucking job.
[sighs]
[sniffs]
♪ tense music ♪
♪♪♪
[breathing deeply, shakily]
♪♪♪
[knocking at window]
♪♪♪
[sighs] Hey.
♪♪♪
You okay?
[chuckles lightly] Yeah. I'm great.
♪♪♪
[lighter flicks open]
What's it like being a guy?
Just to get to be funny and not have to worry
about someone yelling about your tits
every time you get onstage?
Well, to be fair, that's just because I tape them down
before every show.
[sniffs]
Look. Every time any one of us gets up on that stage,
there's some perception we're trying to overcome.
No. It's different.
Women get up there, and it's a fucking shooting gallery.
Phyllis Diller intentionally makes herself unattractive
so that people will focus on what she says.
She has to hide who she is just to be who she is.
Sounds like every comic I've ever met.
Oh, yeah? What are you hiding?
Hmm?
I came here to comfort you.
[knocking at window]
Goldie wants to see you.
- Great. - [both laugh softly]
[Billy Preston's "Will It Go Round in Circles" plays]
♪ I've got a song I ain't got no melody ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I'm gonna sing it to my friends ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I've got a song I ain't got no melody ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I'm gonna sing it to my friends ♪
♪ Will it go round in circles? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky ♪
[glass clanks]
♪ Aah ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky ♪
[glass shatters]
Close the door.
You're in.
In what?
Girls Are Funny, Too.
That's what you wanted, right?
Of course it's what I wanted.
Good.
I-I don't... I don't understand.
I didn't even audition,
and you told me that my act wasn't ready.
Who said anything about doing your act?
They want the girl from Wink.
But I don't do that anymore.
You've been invited to the ball, Cinderella.
You can go back to your pumpkin after midnight.
Right now, I need you to look pretty and be funny.
♪ somber music ♪
In that order?
In that order.
Come in tomorrow. We'll start working on your set.
This is gonna move like a freight train.
♪♪♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
Do you believe in me?
It's been my experience that most leaps of faith
are often preceded by a shove.
♪♪♪
- [laughing] - They are going to make you
one of them, my peacock. [laughs]
[all chanting] One of us. One of us.
- Gooble gobble... - [man] Gooble gobble...
[all chanting] one of us, one of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her. We accept her.
One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.
One of us. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her. We accept her.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
One of us. One of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her. We accept her.
One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.
We accept her. We accept her.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
One of us. One of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her. We accept her.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
One of us. One of us.
Gooble gobble. We accept her.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
One of us. One of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
[man] They're going to make you one of them, my peacock!
- [man laughs] - Gooble gobble...
- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -