Okay.
Your plane's delayed. That gives you extra time.
Okay, are they assembled?
They're going in there right now. Aren't you excited?
Well, yes. Yes. I gotta. . . .
Okay, let's get started. I have to go to Bermuda, so--
With Victor?
This is you. Yeah.
We need to take care of a few things. Let's welcome Liza. She starts today.
-What? ALLY: She accepted John's job offer.
-We're glad to have you. -Thank you.
-Liza will work out of John's office-- -Why does she get it?
John loaned it to her.
John loaned it. What else did John extend to Liza?
-That's not appropriate, Nelle. -Did he give her his hole?
Oh, please.
It's John's office. He can designate. . .
. . .who he wants to have it.
Thank you.
I have a trial starting today. I could use some backup.
-I'm free. -Richard, you might distract me.
-I find you attractive. -Give me a break.
What's the case?
My client's being charged with bigamy. She has two husbands.
-What's your defense? -She's entitled.
-Belle, will you help me? -The name is Nelle.
It says "Morgan" on your birth certificate.
-Morgan? -Move along.
Wait. Morgan Porter?
Move along.
Since we're moving along, I hired another associate.
It's a lawyer I was wooing for my own firm.
After I came here, I continued the woo, and I was successful.
-You hired somebody. -Yes, I did. I think you'll love him.
You understand that any offer. . .
. . .you make is not binding on us. So it--
Wilson, hi. This is Richard. . .
. . .Corretta, Ally. . .
. . .somebody.
And Morgan. You know. . .
. . .we were discussing your job, and there may be a problem.
As long as I get my agreed-upon salary, I don't care.
I'd love to stick around, but I got clients coming in.
The slutty secretary said there's an empty office upstairs. I'll use it for now.
Love to get to know all of you. . .
. . .but Liza says you're nice. I'll take her word. Later.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Tom Dooley
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home
Oh, baby
Oh, yeah
Oh, my.
-Oh, my! -Hello.
Hello.
I'm Claire Otoms. And you're, well. . . .
-You're lovely. -Thank you.
You're not a little bachelorette treat. . .
. . .sent to celebrate my upcoming nuptials, are you?
I'm a new attorney. Wilson Jade.
Wonderful. If I were 1 0 years younger, I'd invite you home for a nightcap.
You're wonderful.
-Hello, Nelle. -Hello.
Christmas has come early this year.
-This is Wilson. -Yes, we met. Hi.
Hello. Is it Morgan?
It's Nelle.
-Am I in the girls' room? -It's unisex.
At Cage, Fish and McBeal, we don't distinguish between the sexes.
If you need anything--
Actually, I could use some help on a case. And you might be suitable.
You're not a nice person, are you?
-Not at all. -Excellent.
Come by my office. We can discuss it. If you have time.
We need both husbands there to show their support.
-It's important that the jury see that. -Okay.
I don't want to risk prison. If there's a plea. . . .
-We won't lose. -How are you sure? The law--
What's wrong?
I could swear that Napoleon was looking at me.
I think you're feeling a bit on trial. Because you're about to go on trial.
Liza, I am nervous. I have lawyer friends telling me I can't win.
Are you sure--?
Okay, I may be crazy, but I really do think Napoleon is staring at us.
Hey! Who's back there?
I know somebody's back there, and I think it's John Cage.
(JOHN STUTTERS]
John, you meet me in your hole this instant!
Balls.
I assure you, it was very benign peeping.
Do you live inside the walls?
No. This is my hole.
There's a passageway. Connects to my office.
I apologize for the. . . .
Isn't he like a cute little stuffy?
And such a good little lawyer.
Yes, you are.
-Yes, you are! -Okay.
I could be wrong, but I don't think he enjoys being pinched.
I always forget to release. He's just so cute.
John, while you're here. . .
. . .we're about to start a difficult bigamy case. . .
. . .which I guess you heard as Napoleon.
We could use your help.
-Well-- -The mariachis will understand.
He's a mariachi singer. It's so cute.
You are? I always wanted to do that.
Let's not mock me, if you don't mind.
I'm serious. I was rejected because I'm a woman.
I wanted to be a mariachi singer. I even went to Mexico to live.
-I went to Mexico. Tell her. -He did.
I used to wear out my parents' Kingston Trio records.
"EI Matador," "The Tijuana Jail. " I thought they were Mexican.
What's the matter?
"Tom Dooley. "
"Tom Dooley" was my favorite. Ever.
He sounds quite Mexican.
It's a Kingston Trio song. I pretended I was Tom Dooley.
Tom Dooley was hung in the song.
-It was more the crying part, but-- -Earth to square pants.
Maybe we should talk about the case.
Will you help, John?
But how could you win?
I hope to settle without trial.
She was married to him. How can a wife sue a husband for sexual harassment?
We've already sued. But can we prevail? We can, if we make two showings.
First, she had a bastard for a husband.
Second, she's now got one for a lawyer. He'll settle.
She was my wife, for God's sake.
A husband can oppress his wife?
Oppress? I showed affection.
Plenty of wives would kill for that kind of oppression.
According to your ex-wife, you complained about not having enough sex.
-Are you married, Mr. Jade? -No, I'm not.
When a husband complains about not enough sex, that's called foreplay.
-This is what I had to deal with! -Tell us about it, Connie.
I want to say something. Most married men cheat.
They look in other places. I looked for it with my wife. And I get sued?
Being married to a person doesn't mean you can squeeze her breasts whenever.
You love, honor and obey. Doesn't mean grope, you pig.
Let's see what kind of grope you get on the open market.
-Can he say that? -It's being recorded.
-You record her calling me a pig? -Settle down.
I want to draw your attention to a vacation with your ex-wife to Florida.
Is it true, and correct me if it's not, did you on one occasion. . .
. . . "wrap your penis with a slice of American cheese. . .
. . .and douse it with ketchup"?
Did that happen, sir?
Look. We were having problems.
Our therapist told us to try something unconventional to spice up our sex life.
Do you remember what you said to your ex-wife when she got into bed?
I told her to have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
The law is the law, Liza. And she broke it.
-In some states, oral sex is illegal. -Bigamy is a little more serious.
You don't take oral sex seriously?
We're on the same side. Would you please stop trying to rattle me?
Yeah. Force of habit.
Can I come watch?
Come watch? Nicole, you're on trial. You have to be there.
I don't mean the trial. I mean you, singing mariachi.
We should concentrate on the case. You're very much in jeopardy here.
You may love these men. . .
. . .and they may be okay with sharing a wife, but the law is what it is.
And if convicted, you're looking at prison.
Detective, how did you discover she was married to two men?
We were tipped off.
We checked the records to learn she'd married two different men in two states.
-The first marriage wasn't dissolved? -She remains legally married to both.
-We arrested her for bigamy. -Thank you.
I'm sorry.
That's okay. I thought it was my turn.
-I just had the one. -Go ahead.
-Really? -I don't mind.
Good afternoon. I'm John Cage, a lawyer representing the defendant.
I am sorry. I almost forgot to ask my question.
-May I still? -Of course.
Sir, you testified that my client. . .
. . .still remains legally married to both men today?
-Correct. -If it's legal, why'd you arrest her?
It's not legal. I mean, she's on the books as being legally married.
Which is illegal. . . . To be on the books as legal.
It's a little confusing.
It's a confusing law, this one about bigamy. How many of you are confused?
-Yes, Ms. Bump? -I'm confused about who's protected.
Objection. What's this?
He asked who's confused. I thought he'd like to know why.
-How many wanna know why? -Objection.
Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. Proceed without the nonsense.
Okay.
I'm sorry. All I had left was nonsense.
-You? -That's all I had.
Is it wise to make light of it?
-We're saying the law's silly. -If we get the jury to agree. . .
. . .they will never put you in jail.
-Her husbands are outside. -They can come in.
Gentlemen?
Hi, honey.
Hi, baby.
-What happens next? -I believe I testify, right?
-Yes. -Then the psychologist.
We may possibly call one of you.
-You okay? -I'm fine. Fine.
-How are you? -I'm okay.
It's always tough on the husbands, isn't it?
Can I help you?
Just looking.
Wilson. Have we heard anything?
-Yeah. In my office. -Okay.
-They offered 25 to make it go away. -25? That's nothing.
-I'll turn it down. -Whoa.
25 for this case is not nothing.
Connie, you're suing your husband for making sexual overtures.
Husbands are expected to come on to their wives.
I'll get you more. Can you give me and Nelle a second?
CLAIRE: Ow!
The client is the customer.
Never try to sell her something she doesn't want.
-We won't get more for this. -Yes, we will.
-Have you considered the merits? -Nelle, look at me.
Do I strike you as a person who concerns himself with merits?
I'll think about it and let you know.
CLAIRE: Ah!
I married Peter in 1 982. We were childhood sweethearts.
-And then, in 1 994, you married Steven. -Yes.
We were in medical practice together. That's how we met.
-Medical practice? -We're both neurologists.
Oh. Well, why not divorce Peter before marrying Steven?
I never fell out of love with Peter. I love them both.
-But individually-- -They weren't enough?
I know how it sounds.
Peter and I have a relationship predicated on childhood ideologies.
We grew up in the same world. He gets parts of me that nobody else does.
But why isn't he enough?
I can't talk to him about my job, which is a big part of my life.
And I need someone who understands what it's like to do what I do all day.
But are they okay with this?
It was an adjustment. But they want to be married to me. . .
. . .even if it's not full-time. And I want to be married to them.
How many men will you marry, Mrs.-- Is it Carrens or Lewiston?
It's Naples. It sounds like you disapprove.
Bigamy is not my choice for a lifestyle.
-So you agree it's a choice? -No, I don't.
-So it's not a choice? -I'll ask the questions.
-So you agree it's a question? -No.
-Then what do you have to ask me? -Your Honor.
-Ms. Naples? -Your Honor, he can ask his questions.
But if he wants to introduce conclusions, I'd think he should wait till closing.
I'm not a lawyer, but I'd think.
Why not keep these men as friends?
Close friends. Best friends. Why have sexual relations with them both?
I'm not on trial for having sex.
I could be married to one, sleeping with the other. I wouldn't be facing charges.
Just the same, I'm sure the jury wants to know. . .
. . .why sex with two different men?
If you stipulate that who I have sex with. . .
. . .is relevant to the crime I'm charged with, I'll answer your question.
-She's smarter than us. -Sh.
-I'm just saying. -Shh.
Is it relevant, Mr. Tisbury?
No.
He's right about the jury questioning it. Conjugal relations with two men. . . .
Sounds awful.
We all have multiple personas. Not clinically. . .
. . .but our personalities are altered by the company we keep.
As a scientist, I can say it's impossible. . .
. . .for one to link with another on emotional. . .
-. . .cognitive, intellectual-- -I get that.
But marriage, that's about commitment, isn't it?
(MUSICIANS TUNING THEIR INSTRUMENTS]
-John, break time's over. -Yay!
Here's a famous Mexican song dedicated to the beautiful lady.
Which one? There are two of us.
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Oh, my God.
Poor boy, you're bound to die
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley Poor boy, you're bound to die
If you truly want to sing, we could arrange one song.
Really?
Want to go straight Mexican? The band is taken now with the Kingston Trio.
I'll do either. This is me.
-One of your two houses. -Yeah. I live here with Peter.
Nicole, if you'd agree to voluntarily dissolve one of your marriages. . .
-. . .we could plead out with probation. -I love both of them.
Could you ask a mother to part with a kid because she has more than one?
It's a little different.
We don't question a parent's ability to love two children unconditionally.
Why is it so absurd for a woman to love two men?
This is a societal norm. It has nothing to do with nature.
-Spoken like a man caught cheating. -I don't cheat on anybody.
We could make it go away.
Yes, if I am willing to let other people's values be imposed on me.
I love my husbands. I want to stay married to them.
Okay.
Night.
-I'm drawn to her. -John.
I'm not happy about it, damn it, but she has this way.
What do you mean, "this way"?
Haven't you seen a woman with a way?
She has this mellifluous voice. She almost surrounds you with her sound.
-Marry her. Everybody else has. -She's not promiscuous.
She has two husbands.
I'm having trouble reconciling both that and being drawn to her. But I am.
I just want to curl up all fetal-like in her. . .
. . .toned yet supple arms. She has magnificent arms.
They're tapered so. She has the forearm of a newborn's mother.
It's love muscle. That's what it is. The love muscle of a newborn's mother.
Yes.
You ready?
To do what? I'm not clear on my role here.
It's good cop, bad cop.
You pick up the pieces after I shatter everything.
-What exactly are you gonna do? -I'm gonna ruin any chance of settling.
-Then I'm going to. . .? -Settle it.
Talk to him in a soft, gentle voice. Maybe touch his arm.
Let him know you understand.
I'm not comfortable with that.
I'm only asking you to pretend to be nice.
See you in there.
-Jade. -Fish.
What--? What's up with him? ls he any good?
I have no idea. But I'll certainly let you know.
-What do you mean, a new witness? -She's a rebuttal witness.
-If defense needs time-- -I object. I object. I object.
So do l. That makes four objections. You can't overrule them all.
-I'm not amused. -Who knew? What with all the giggles.
I'm allowing the witness. You can recess before you cross. Now sit.
-Mr. Tisbury, proceed. -The prosecution calls Tally Cup.
Oh, no.
"Oh, no"?
I don't like this "oh, no. " Who is she?
An ex-friend.
Oh, no.
You swear to tell the truth, so help you God?
-I do. -Be seated.
Could you state your name and occupation?
My name is Tally Cup. I'm a radiologist at Beth lsrael Hospital.
-Ms. Cup, do you know the defendant? -I do.
What's your relationship?
Six years ago, we were roommates for a year.
Roommates. Was the relationship sexual?
Objection. Is this Relevant?
Ms. Naples sat here, pontificating the virtues of her marriages.
-How does this witness--? -If I could. . . .
Pipe down. Your Honor, this is out of order.
Defense will argue jury nullification. . .
. . .that her actions were reasonable. The promiscuity--
Your Honor, I told him to pipe down!
Mr. Cage, one more outburst. . .
. . .I'll tape your mouth shut. Do not think I'm kidding.
Now sit.
So Ms. Cup. . .
. . .you had a lesbian partnership with the defendant?
We're both heterosexual, but I suppose the relationship was lesbian.
-I'm a little confused. -If he's confused, that's doubt.
If the prosecution has a reasonable doubt, how can we not dismiss this?
LAWYER: lf you're both heterosexual, was the relationship experimental?
Not really.
Look, we were very close friends. . .
. . .with many common interests. . .
. . .bonded in a multitude of arenas, with one consensus in particular.
-Which was? -For women. . .
. . .sex is mostly in the touching.
And it is unfortunate for heterosexual ladies, but the truth is. . .
. . .no one knows how or where to touch a woman better than another woman.
I happen to know. And Nicole. . .
. . .she definitely knows.
She was able to go places men don't even know exist.
Men think erotic is boom, bang, rough, deep.
Women know. Nicole knew.
Erotic is soft and gentle.
Sometimes delicate.
Sitting over there. . .
. . .is the most delicate touch on earth.
Trust me. I contract just looking at her.
JOHN: Oh, my God.
That's all I have.
No court will allow a claim for sexual harassment within a marriage.
Why not? The government's dying to get in the bedroom.
Not with marriage.
-We can discuss the merits-- -There are none.
The only question you have to ask yourself and your client:
What are his friends gonna say? His colleagues? His girlfriend?
It comes out, when he serves his Quarter Pounder. . .
. . .he asks the customer to hold the mayo.
Is that what this is? You're gonna blackmail him?
-It's a pattern of sexual harassment. -You're scum.
That isn't relevant. The cheeseburger is.
And will I use it at trial?
Only for the beginning, middle and end.
I'll enjoy myself. Tell your client that. Tell him to bring his patty. . .
. . .bring the pickle and ketchup. I'll bring the relish.
In fact, this sounds like so much fun, I don't want to settle.
I'm not proud of his tactics, but there is relevance to introduce that stuff.
Let's you and I talk, without Mr. Jade. See if we can make it go away.
He can't do this.
I know how you feel.
But he can do this. Let's you and I settle it from under him.
It is not the end of the world.
It is, damn it. That witness just hurt us.
-Why? -What?
Did you say "why"? They just depicted her. . .
. . .as being this expert on touching.
Gee.
Our whole case depends on her not being aberrant.
Now, in addition to two husbands she had a toucher.
I think he's mad because his mouth got taped.
The thing with Tally happened when I was having trouble in my marriages.
That's not really who I am. I don't get off on touching heterosexual women.
This won't affect our case.
For us to win, you have to seem relatable to the jury.
And that just became a lot more difficult.
Am I less relatable to you?
Yeah. To be honest, yes.
The Kingston Trio didn't sing about a woman with two husbands. . .
. . .who liked to touch female radiologists.
We all have pasts. I'm sure you do.
-I'm not judging you. -You are.
As your lawyer, I'm recommending we try to plead out.
I want to keep going.
May I ask why?
I guess I'm willing to accept the jury's verdict, but not yours.
I know I'm short, but I think she likes you.
-Well, well, well. -Hi, Morgan.
Hi. How's the trial going?
What's the catch?
I was upset to find that people could go online and get birth records. . .
. . .and learn people's real names. Until I learned yours, Liza.
Or should I say Debbie?
You'd better run to court, Debbie. Don't be late, Debbie.
Have a nice day, Debbie.
-I could've sworn I heard-- -Claire?
Nelle, hello.
-What are you doing? -Going to the little girls' room.
Any reason you couldn't use the door?
She was looking for me.
Hello. I'm Claire Otoms.
Did you talk to him?
I just got off the phone. I'll fill you in. I just called Connie.
-Jade. -Fish.
Hey, Claire.
LAWYER: She broke the law.
It's that simple. That's all you need to ask yourself.
Did she knowingly marry a man while legally married to another?
She did. The real question, however. . .
. . .is whether you will live up to your sworn duty to uphold this law.
The defense wants you to ignore your burden and to like the defendant. . .
. . .and not put her in jail. The issue is not. . .
. . .whether Nicole Naples is a nice person.
The issue is, did she break the law?
She did.
-I'm sorry. -I thought I was closing.
-No. We agreed. -I've prepared one.
Well, let's be fair.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. . . .
Mr. Cage? Ms. Bump? One of you close, the other sit.
Okay. You go.
Silly, isn't it?
Silly us. Silly trial. Silly law.
The government legislating our personal lives. . .
. . .our choices of who and how many we can commit to.
That's just silly.
These aren't the times of Ozzie and Harriet.
Things have changed. And they have to, don't they?
Over 50 percent of traditional marriages fail today.
We have got to be open to new ideas.
The law has to keep pace with these changing times. This one doesn't.
This one says throw people in jail for being nontraditional.
Come on.
Nicole Naples didn't seek to capitalize on tax laws, insurance benefits.
She didn't prosper financially. She didn't exploit anybody.
All she did was to formally commit. . .
. . .to two men.
Two men she loved deeply.
And with so many people going around today not loving anybody. . .
. . .how can the government jail a person for loving too much?
That is just silly.
We Americans, we talk a pretty good game of tolerance.
Well, talk is over now. It's time for you to show us. . .
. . .are we open-minded as a people? Tolerant? That's one question.
Is Nicole Naples really a criminal? That's another.
As you walk back to that room, ladies and gentlemen. . .
. . .you remember, when you decide her fate. . .
. . .you pass judgment on all of us.
Is that a lot? 225?
I won't lie, although I'm capable of it. If we win at trial, we could get more.
But we could lose at summary judgment and get nothing.
We should grab it quickly. We would lose at summary judgment.
Well. . . .
Okay.
225,000. Told you I'd get you something, didn't l?
-Thank you. Both of you. I'm grateful. -We'll draft the settlement.
Okay. Thank you, again.
You must proselytize nicely.
I think it was your scummy, sleazy blackmail that put us over the top.
Thank you.
Many women lawyers have a disgusting heart of gold under their slick exteriors.
But you?
-You're so refreshing. -I appreciate that.
Until we scheme again.
Until.
-Didn't they come back pretty fast? -It wasn't a very complicated case.
-You okay? -I'm troubled by this "Debbie" thing.
Will the defendant please rise.
Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?
-We have. JUDGE: What say you?
On the matter of the Commonwealth v. Nicole Naples on the charge of bigamy. . .
. . .we find the defendant, Nicole Naples, guilty.
Fix!
Ms. Bump?
Members of the jury, you're dismissed. Mrs. Naples. . .
. . .the court sentences you to three months, all suspended.
This case is adjourned.
-What happened? -No jail time.
That's great. That's fantastic.
The judge must have a mistress.
Did he ever return? No, he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned
He will ride forever ln the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned
-Is this Mexican? -It's Mexico meets the Kingston Trio.
I didn't know you were so up on music, Debbie.
Morgan, there's so much you don't know about me.
-We all have little secrets, don't we? -Excuse me, big woman.
-Could you wait until you're spoken to? -Certainly, little hobbit.
Little pip-squeak.
Come on, Wilson. Let's go.
I think I'm gonna stick around here. But thanks.
What's the word on Wilson, Nelle? Any good?
-He's good, Richard. He's very good. -Should we keep him?
Oh, yeah.
He's the man who never returned
That was fun. It was almost worth standing trial. And I can keep the outfit.
-And you're a good singer. -I wish my husbands could've seen me.
Why didn't they?
They were both busy, and it seemed like a lawyer celebration dinner, so. . .
. . .I was happy to spend tonight with Tom Dooley.
-Thank you, John. -I'm just glad everything worked out.
When I was little, we moved once. I made an apartment from a wardrobe box.
It was basically my room for four years.
That's all I could think of when I saw your hole.
Well, it's. . . . It's late.
Would you like to get some dinner maybe? Sometime?
I would like nothing better than dinner with you. But I'm gonna say no.
Okay.
If I wasn't very careful, I could fall in love with you.
Well, they say good things come in threes.
No, I'm too old-fashioned for that, but--
I respect your right to choose your life. It just. . .
. . .isn't my life.
I figured that.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Oh!
The hat.
Why don't you keep it. So you won't forget.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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