- Come on, come on, come on! Let's see! - Eh? Huh?
Mm. I hate it.
What?! I got this dress during Paris Fashion Week.
At an outlet mall in Wisconsin, but still.
I mean, you look hot, but you're meeting Ben's ex.
Is hot really the look you want to be going for?
Don't make a big deal here.
This is their whole story... bad marriage, great divorce.
- Which shoe? - Wedge. More casual.
I like the heel.
Listen, I know Ben says things are good between them,
but now you're here.
A great divorce is a fragile ecosystem.
You might upset the whole equilibrium.
I'm not gonna upset anything.
And Ben says Renee's actually excited to meet me.
- The longer one. - Eh.
Why are you even asking me?
Look, Renee is saying she's excited to meet you,
but that's ex-wife talk for
"I'm clocking your every move, chippy."
Mary, your only point of reference is my parents' divorce,
which was a multi-decade scream-a-thon.
Punctuated by one non-lethal stabbing.
Yeah, that was a weird Easter.
My point is, Ben and Renee are not like my parents.
For now, they aren't.
Now, if you really want to help...
- The... clutch? - That's what I was thinking.
Thank God, 'cause for a second there,
I was like, "Um, whose brain am I even from?"
Whoa!
Have a good night,
I can't believe you jacketed me again!
Do I hear you leaving right now?
Hey! Ohh!
Mary: This is Alice.
When she was a kid, she dreamed up me to be her BFF.
Now my girl has finally fallen in love,
but she's in way over her head, so I'm back to help.
I've got this all figured out.
- No, you don't. - No, I don't.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Come on, guys. I want to show you my cubby.
And Shana's cubby.
And the closet where Ms. Joree smokes.
Hey, so, um, I'm gonna need a sick day tomorrow.
- Is that cool? - No problem. What kind of symptoms?
Well, I was thinking, like, a cough or a sore throat.
Maybe sprinkle in some headache.
- Is spine pain too much? - Yeah, probably.
You know what? I got you covered.
I still owe you big for helping me
get three days off with fake rubella.
Yeah. You do.
Babe?
I just want to make sure, whatever happens in there...
Ben, don't worry. I'm gonna make a great impression on Renee.
I was gonna say don't snack too hard on the cookies,
'cause I want to go out for dinner after.
I'm craving Jamaican. You? And the Renee thing?
Pfft. Yeah, we're good.
Ah!
- Oh... - [Laughs]
[Laughs] It's a gesture.
No, I was just saying... Renee.
You must be Alice. It is so nice to finally meet you.
You too.
Can I just say, as a child of a horrible divorce,
what you and Ben have done is just awesome.
Thanks, Alice. That's nice of you.
We do it all for the kids.
And for the kids, you should. I wish my parents did that.
Their split made for an epic "Family Feud."
My mom pulled a sword on my dad
when we were contestants on the show.
But she turned out normal.
Totally normal!
FYI... you've already made, like, six mistakes.
- [Coughing] - Andy, are you okay?
You've been coughing a lot today.
Are you coming down with something, brother man?
Maybe you are coming down with something.
Why don't you go grab a Luden's from the car.
- So, uh... - Behold the drawing I made!
Wow!
Are those women setting a table, like Mommy taught you?
Nope. They're flipping it over, like Alice taught me.
- Me?! - Excuse me?
It's from our favorite TV show, "The Real Homewives."
She means "The Real Housewives."
Oh! She probably just walked in once when Alice was watching.
Oh, yeah.
That... That's tot... just what he just said.
- Every Sunday at 8:00! - Is it? Every Sunday?
Oh, I-I'm sure it goes right over Bunny's head.
That's a bowl of pills.
The lady on the ground took too many.
[Hushed] What a little sponge.
Yep, Bunny's pretty perceptive.
And we will adjust our TV-watching accordingly.
Good idea. Come on, Bunny.
Let's go look at some of your other artwork.
- Nice to meet you. - Uh-huh.
And there it was...
the first official disruption in their ecosystem.
What's that old saying, "You get as many tries as you like
to make a good first impression"?
♪
What the hell are you doing, Dora?
- I'm faking sick today, remember? - Yeah, but you didn't tell me why.
The mile run.
Lauren texted me to remind me to fake get my period.
Unfortunately, I fake got my period two weeks ago
to get out of ultimate Frisbee.
So I'm sick today, too. Capiche?
No! No! No capiche! No, that completely breaks protocol.
W-We can't be sick on the same day.
- It raises suspicion. - Who cares about protocol?
Bottom line... Dora doesn't run.
Please. I can't do the mile.
Last year, it was the single most humiliating experience
of my entire life.
I finished dead last, behind all the boys.
Wow, that is pretty...
- And all the girls. - Yikes.
Even behind Merv, the 80-year-old sophomore.
Okay, look, I think we can both get away
- with faking sick. - You do?
Dad is fully distracted
with the whole Alice-meeting-Mom thing.
[Snaps fingers]
We can exploit his weakness and use it for our own gain.
Which is what my friends say is the whole point
of even having divorced parents.
Hey, come on.
We can get away with one day of double fake sickness.
One day?
All right, I'm in.
♪
One more.
[Timer ticking]
[Timer dings]
Ben: You both have 101...
too high to go to school, too low to see the doctor.
[Both coughing]
Okay. I'll give you today.
But we will seriously reassess tomorrow.
He seemed suspicious.
Doesn't matter.
We got today. That's all we need.
We don't have to run the mile.
Yeah, lap someone else this year, Merv.
Told you.
Having divorced parents is the best!
♪
[Cellphone buzzes]
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Renee's saying she wants to have a talk.
Oh, no. Is this because of me?
Is she still mad about the "Housewives"?
She's referring to it as "Housewife-Gate,"
so I'd say... yeah?
I need to nip this in the bud.
Let me go with you and apologize.
You really don't have to.
No, but I want to... for you.
And a little bit for me.
Okay, a lot for me.
- But still definitely for you. - Okay.
It'll be Apologize-Gate.
Aww.
- Can't wait to tell Renee that. - [Laughs]
I mean, if morning me would've told afternoon me
that he'd have watched 12 episodes of "Buffy" by 2:00 p.m.,
I would've said, "Get directly out of town, you jag!"
Told you. This show's for real.
You know what else is for real?
This whole double fake sick day.
I mean, when else do we get
to just, like, hang out, you and me?
Yeah, yeah. Totally.
One day of R&R
while everyone else runs an entire mile.
Poor saps.
And we'll be back at school tomorrow before Dad catches on.
- It's the perfect crime. - Yeah, perfect.
Um, "Buffy's" starting back up again,
so maybe just, like, jot this down in the Moleskine?
Consider it... skine'd.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Okay.
And, plus, look at it.
Can you imagine running in this rain?
- Yeah. - [Sighs]
It's hard to imagine, actually.
- [Chuckles] Those poor suckers. - _
Hey, Dora.
_
Yeah?
You, uh, you okay?
Actually... [Chuckles]
I know this is crazy, but, um,
I think I'm really getting sick.
For real?
[Groans] Talk about karma.
You poor thing!
You pretend to be sick, and what happens?
You fall head over heels for a young Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Yeah, and in my case, you get sick.
Well, hey, uh, let me heat you up some soup.
Yeah. Thanks. That'd be great.
You'd do the same for me.
♪
Hey.
Oh. Hey. Alice.
Renee, I know you didn't ask to talk to me,
but I just wanted to come and apologize.
And I promise I won't let Bunny watch that TV show ever again.
You mean the one where the intoxicated women
get plastic surgery to the point of being deformed?
Yeah. That one.
See? All good.
No need to make a mountain out of a molehill here.
What should I make out of it?
You don't make anything out of it. You keep it as a molehill.
I'd love to do that, but I have to be honest...
I'm a little worried about how she's influencing our kids.
No offense, Alice.
Some taken, but I hear you.
Oh, I will cut a bitch!
Alice is definitely influencing our kids,
but in the best possible way.
You got to look at the whole picture.
You mean a picture like this, Ben?
You didn't have to hang it.
Or the pictures on Alice's Instagram,
70% of which feature her holding a cocktail. [Chuckles]
What are you, a martini model?
[Laughing] I wish.
No, I... Uh, no, I...
[Gasps] She thinks you're a lush
and a dum-dum who's tainting her kids!
Social media is for her work.
It doesn't reflect what she does with the kids.
What do you do with them?
What do I do? I do... I do... things, lots of things.
- [Gasps] I know! I know. - Things...
Scan the room and say whatever pops into your head.
Plants.
- I do plants. - Gardening?
All day, every day.
That's more of an expression to indicate her level of enthusiasm.
- 24/7. - Again, just a figure of speech.
Time to double down! Full throttle!
In fact, I'm taking Bunny to help
at my local community garden tomorrow.
Huh? I thought you were gonna say something else.
You know what? I would love to see Bunny garden.
Can I tag along?
- Well... - Oh!
It would be great to just, you know,
smooth things over and start again.
[Groans] Now you got to say yes. Just do it.
Yes. Smooth we shall.
Smooth as the dirt we will be planting seeds in
and o-on and over and around and...
Is that how it works? [Chuckles]
You'll see.
Uh... We'll text you the details later
to the, uh, the garden.
- Thank you. See you. - Careful.
- Feeling better, bud? - Yeah, all good.
Must've been one of those 24-hour guys.
What are you wearing?
Oh. I'm taking Bunny gardening with your mother and Alice.
- Don't ask. - I got to ask,
because that hat is a real head-turner.
Do you mind if I get one, too?
How about this? You can have this one at the end of the day.
Anyway, bring your running shoes.
I got an e-mail saying that the mile was rescheduled for today.
No!
...problem.
That is not an issue for me in any way.
- Thank you very kindly. - Okay.
Oh, and can you check on your sister?
She's still pretty sick... super clammy,
big, dark circles under her eyes.
She's gone through, like, three boxes of Kleenex.
So Dora will be home sick while I do the mile run?
This has all been established.
I got to bounce, but if you want to keep talking about it,
just drop it into your Moleskine.
Love you.
♪
Whoa!
Way to barge in, bro.
I just got the worst news...
the mile run was rescheduled for today
on account of yesterday's gorgeous drencher.
So, not to make light of your serious illness,
but you are so lucky you're actually sick.
Yeah. Messed up from the chest up.
'Cause me... I am staring down the barrel
of untold ridicule and physical torture, most likely.
I'm talkin' headlocks, noogies, pantsing,
Indian burns, purple nurples, wet willies, swirlies,
towel snaps, wedgies, both standard and atomic.
- Isn't that sad? - I'm sure you'll be fine.
Shh.
[Ticking]
What's that sound?
I don't... [Chuckles] I don't hear anything.
[Ticking continues]
Wow. Just... wow.
You knew the mile run was rescheduled for today,
but then you faked a second day to get out of it!
- We couldn't both get away with it. - Hah!
So you chose yourself, like always, and double-crossed me?
Yeah, okay. I did.
But I really think you'd be better off facing your fears.
Plus, Merv's been awarded a state-funded caregiver,
so I sincerely doubt he'll beat you.
You know what the worst part is?
I thought we were actually bonding yesterday.
- [Groans] - But now...
it looks like there are several passages I need to white out of my Moleskine.
[Timer dings]
[Sighs]
♪
Okay, we get in, drop some seeds,
dig some stuff, maybe some light pruning.
Then we ask Renee to take Bunny for lunch.
Done.
Fun!
Dirt is where all life begins and ends.
- Yep! Sure does. - How can I help you?
- We'd like one plot, please. - Absolutely.
I just need your name and number.
You're now the proud owner of...
your very own spot on the waiting list.
We'll call you in no sooner than 15 years,
when a plot becomes available.
Cool! I'll be 21 then!
Goodbye for 1 1/2 decades.
- Wait... Wait... - No...
That was a weird way of putting it.
Oh... Oh, God. Here she comes.
We're screwed.
Okay, I have an idea.
Take the shears, ram them into my thigh.
If gardening is what is gonna keep things smooth,
then we are darn gardening.
- Come on, Bunny! - What are you doing?
[Hushed] No! This is a bad idea!
♪
Andy: "Sick day.
More like "best day."
For today, Dora and I crossed the threshold
from simply being brother and sister to being friends.
I'll always have her back, and she'll always have mine.
And now some obscene thoughts about Sarah Michelle Gellar."
♪
Is this our garden?
Is now. Go nuts, Bun.
Ben: Oh, hey, Renee. Glad you could make it to our humble community garden.
Look, Mommy! I'm a gardener!
Like the guys you scream at in our yard!
Well... [Chuckles]
Isn't this just about
the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life.
[Chuckles] Isn't it?
Alice, from the looks of this, you have quite the green thumb.
- Thank you. - How long have you had this plot?
Uh... gosh, a while now.
When was Y2K, again?
[Chuckles]
So, tell me about what's growing.
Oh... man. There's so much growing.
Uh, right off the bat?
Herbs.
And some bush varietals.
Flowers.
Cabbage. That glass thing was a gift.
- That was from me. - Come join us.
Put some of the protective thingies on your hands.
- Gloves? [Chuckles] - Sure.
Excuse me.
What are you doing in our garden?
I'm sorry. You must be confused.
This is definitely my garden.
"Stan and Millie's garden."
Well, isn't that... indisputable.
♪
Oh, look! A butterfly!
Okay, I was a little concerned before,
but now that you're pretending to garden,
I'm really concerned.
Yes, what we have here is a classic case of overcorrection.
It comes from a very good place.
Alice, this is actually gonna be between
me and Ben this time.
- Of course. - To be clear, Ben,
when I said I was concerned, I meant about our children.
What's even going...
- Hey, sweetie! - Oh! Go get that butterfly!
...on in your house?
Do you even know? What kind of influence is she?
A great one... on all of us.
I know you guys aren't my parents, but I'm just gonna take these shears.
You never know when things could get stabby.
Andy's more confident,
Dora's starting to open up a little bit more.
Alice, what's that thing that Dora told you about?
Don't!
- I don't think... - It's okay. Come on.
There's this boy she likes.
Who? I haven't heard about this.
There was this party.
Maybe an "over the pants" situation.
You know what? Now is not the time, I'm pretty sure.
Another thing I'm hearing about for the first time.
So Dora's telling her secrets to this woman? Great.
- Renee... - You know,
I came here to try to get to know this person
who's spending all this time around our kids,
and guess what... I did.
Well, can you just hear me out?
No! It's always just excuses with you.
This is Gary and David's wedding all over again.
I had to work!
It's not like I disapproved.
Who can fly to Palm Springs
for a 9:00 a.m. wedding on a Wednesday?!
I think some old stuff might be coming out.
Okay. I'm done.
♪
What's up, Andy? You gonna puke again this year?
- Ha! Nope. - [Chuckles]
Thanks for stopping by.
Wha...
What are you doing here?
So, I was thinking about our conversation, and...
I don't want to be that sister sibling
that only looks out for herself.
- Yeah? - It shouldn't be us against each other.
It should be us against Mom and Dad.
Oh, thank you.
We did bond yesterday.
And I-I would love to have
more double-fake-sick days with you.
Maybe even, like, a non-fake-sick day,
where we just hang out together.
Yeah?
That'd be cool.
And to show you how sorry I am...
[Inhales deeply]
...I'm gonna run with you and make sure you don't finish last.
Really?
Yeah.
Don't worry. I'll be right behind you the whole time.
Thanks, Dor.
Let's do this.
[Mustard Snorkel's "Loud" plays]
♪ Well, my friends are bouncing off the walls ♪
♪ 'Cause their week has seemed impossible ♪
♪ So we need to meet up and start the show ♪
♪ No, we can't slow down, it's time to go ♪
You hungry, Bun?
- No, thanks. I just ate that butterfly. - You ate that thing?
Not good. Let's get some real food in that tummy, huh?
[Sighs]
[Grunting]
Yo.
Today was another swing and a miss.
Am I ever gonna make a good first impression on Renee?
Not if you keep faking hobbies and corrupting her children.
I kind of feel bad for her.
She must think Ben and I are out of control,
which must be tough, considering her kids are here half the time.
Maybe Ben should hear that.
♪
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Turn it up loud ♪
♪ It's never loud enough ♪
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Turn it up loud ♪
Can't believe she brought up Gary and David's wedding.
- Okay, but, hon, the thing... - But seriously,
who throws a midweek destination wedding?
No room blocks of any kind.
No rehearsal dinner for out-of-towners.
Woo me just a little, you know?
Babe, Gary and David's wedding sounds like a nightmare.
You made the right choice. But in the here and the now...
- Hon? - Hmm?
This is all on us.
What?
♪ And turn it up loud ♪
♪ People jumping off the roof ♪
♪ Saying hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Turn it up loud ♪
You and I made the decision to be in each other's lives.
Renee didn't have a say. And here I am,
spending all this time with Andy, Bunny, and Dora.
One day, she's gonna meet a guy,
and he's gonna be spending time with your kids,
and you're gonna hear a story
- about Andy getting to third base. - I doubt it.
Okay, some story about Andy... or any of the kids...
and you're gonna know how she feels.
So I guess... I don't know... just try to get there now.
This is just new, you know?
Yeah.
'Cause I'm here now.
It's a major change.
♪ And turn it up loud ♪
♪ Shake the floor and burn it up ♪
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Turn it up loud ♪
♪ Loud is never loud enough ♪
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Turn it up loud ♪
Does this start with me having to apologize?
[Laughing] I think it does... alone.
Just make sure she knows I'm the one that helped you figure it out.
I have some major ground to make up.
- Oh, yeah. You're deep in the hole. - I'm sensing that.
Can I just say one other thing?
Is it about Gary and David's wedding?
You bet your ass it is!
Cash bar. Bite me!
Okay, first of all, who even has a cash bar?
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
- [Groans] - ♪ Turn it up loud ♪
[Gasps] Victory!
[Panting] Yeah. Yeah.
Victory.
Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.
No. No, thank you.
You called me out when I needed...
♪ And turn it up loud ♪
And I'm out.
Guys, guys, guys! Who wants to see my new drawing?
all: Yeah!
It's called "Garden Party."
That's Mommy, that's Daddy,
and they're screaming at each other.
And that's Alice, pretending not to notice.
I made it into your artwork.
Oh, by the way... talked to Renee.
All good?
Not all, but most.
Phew.
Oh, and I found this in my toy oven,
but I didn't put it there.
That's strange.
I wonder how this got in...
Wait.
You two were faking.
- Dad, it's not what you think. - But we had a good reason.
- We had no other choice. - Headlocks, noogies,
- At school that day... - and purple nurples...
No, no, no! No, no, no! I don't want to hear it.
Listen up, and let me be very clear!
Your mother can never find out about this.
- Uh... yeah. - Sure.
- Of course. Yeah, no problem. You know what? - Obviously. Totally.
- You're awesome. - I love you.
- You're the best. - Thank you for dinner.
- I get it. I get it. That's totally... - Great shirt.
You're such a cool dad.
I'm doing the best I can.
[Hushed] The new system is working!
[Hushed] We might never have to go to school again.
Heard that!
Go to your room.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com