RANDY: Now, the Haggar Pants Presidential debate
with your host...
Carter Hawkins!
Hello, America!
And welcome to the Haggar Pants Presi--
Whoa, wait.
That's a lot of Haggar Pants.
I mean, how much is Haggar paying us?
MAN: Actually, they just paid in pants.
Like these Haggar comfort lux dress pants
caressing my thighs like a lover?
MAN: Feel pretty great, huh?
Like if a poem could be pants.
Uh...
so, then I introduce the candidates, which --
I just assume they're coming?
MAN: Oh, yeah.
A car is picking up Killface.
No. No, Fred,
I don't wear pants.
So, I'm not very familiar with "Hag are."
Um, it's actually pronounced "Hay ger"
Is that right?
Yeah, the company founder Joseph Marian Haggar,
who was orig--
( bleep) penguins.
And billionaire buffoon Xander Crews?
MAN: He is route now by other means.
And "other means" means?
Could you possibly go any slower?
Well, it's overloaded!
Thanks, genius.
Muffin-top express here.
We'll never make it downtown at this rate.
Yeah, why are the Neo-nazis doing a meth deal
in such a public place?
Because that's how Jerry wants it.
Jerry?
You mean Gary!
Who?
Wait a minute.
Just who the hell are you guys?
I am actually.
Well, you didn't have to lie to me.
Well, I'm sorry.
Xander Crews.
Look, I hold the American tradition of spirited political debate
as sacred as the next freakin' guy.
And which is why you gotta take me...
HOOPER: To the Haggar Pants Arena!
Holy crap, those are big pants.
Yes, Rudy, they are big pants.
But soon,
they'll be nothing but a smoldering tomb
for my nemesis...
Killface.
Wait for it!
I'm sorry.
I thought you blanked.
It was a dramatic pause.
I don't know if you realize how long you're pausing.
My nemesis...
BOTH: Killface!
Sorry.
You should get a little tape recorder.
Wait a minute, I can't go to a Presidential debate
dressed like this!
Yeah, you kinda look like a boob.
You have boobs.
- Boobs. - Snap.
Baby's lunch bag.
( Smacking )
Eat that lunch, baby.
( Horn honks )
Hey, ( bleep ) you!
Pants car!
Yeah, okay, okay.
Turn left up there.
What on Billionaire Boulevard?
Yeah, I should have a tuxedo there.
Or...
this polycotton suck fest!
I remember when you were happy with a radish.
( Stutters )
Go!
Huh?
That is when you go, is on "radish!"
Yeah, I thought you were pausing.
Spice dear, you can't go to the club like that.
They'll think we're not doing really great!
[tires squeal]
Well, it's about bloody time.
( Mumbling )
No, you can't has cheeseburger.
We're late enough --
No!
Oh, my god.
Those are really big pants.
Yeah, there's the big pants!
Would you go?
Would you relax?
We got tons of time.
(hip hop music plays) ♪ You like what I got ♪
♪ But baby don't test me ♪
♪ Put the child down ♪
♪ 'Cause I swear it gets messy ♪
What the ( bleep ) are you staring at?
No! Hey, hey"
XANDER: Put your hands down.
Move your hand. Move your hand.
Stop it!
Come on.
Disgusting.
Well, maybe you should have thought of that.
Well, maybe you should have jumped in!
When?
It literally lasted one second.
You are one-hitter quitter.
(sighs )
They have old-time soda fountain.
We don't have time for ice cream!
Well, do you have time to pay for those tampons?
Um...
Oh, yeah, this is a t-shirt.
( Nervous laughter)
Sir.
Shut up. Ronnie.
Wendell.
Nah, I'm broke as a joke.
You flithy whores. (struggling )
You're ( bleep ) robbing me?
Yeah.
And we're taking the chicken.
Bawk hawk!
( bleep ) albinos.
Sir--
we only bloodied two of them.
Hey do you wanna watch while I call the police?
WENDELL: Oh, wait,
I think I got some money down here in my sock.
See? He's got sock money.
But, uh...
Here, you lick.
With tongue.
You got change for a .38?
What the ( bleep ) Wendell!
Ah, ah!
Wendell X.
[police siren]
Actually I think I will have some ice cream.
I could do another one.
Let's get all the ice cream.
You get the ice cream.
I will go get heroine.
All right, let's get some heroine and some ice cream,
and then we definitely have to go.
[ Burps ]
I hear you. I get it.
I mean, he can't debate himself up there.
MAN: I know, but --
Well, Hawk,
I think I'm prepared to.
VALERIE: Well, I hope you're prepared to die!
Miss, would you, um, mind moving your box?
Yeah, would you mind moving your --
face.
Heh heh.
Uh, seriously, I can't see.
Oh, sorry.
Oh! Damn woman!
Sorry.
You got a big ass box.
Yeah, um..
Big ass box,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah!
You got a double entendre going.
Good work.
Talking 'bout a large vagina.
Oh, Mister Ford.
I could just eat you up.
( laughs )
( smacking )
Okay, let's get the show on the road, now.
There they are!
I saw the big pants first.
The gold doubloon is mine!
And by god, you shall have it.
Kenneth, get me a firing solution!
Kenneth.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were pausing.
I heard they were big,
but I did not know they were that big.
RONNIE: I love this country.
And I'm gonna be President of it.
HOOPER: In three, two, one... fire!
MAN: Bomb away!
You mean, bombs away.
Plural!
No, we just had the one.
You know...
They're pretty pricey.
[ Bomb approaches ] Ooh, is that fireworks?
That's so great.
I know that sound, that's a bomb!
( Cheering )
Oh! What was that?
- Good lord. - [ squeaking]
Oh, my god, the pants are coming down!
RONNIE: Look out, Eagle!
Wha-- oomph!
( Squeaks )
Who is "Taliban"?
( Squeaks )
And who is Steven Seagal?
( Squeaks )
Oh, you're drunk.
(sirens )
Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
One hopes.
(coughing )
Wow.
That's some big pants.
PARAMEDIC: Buddy, hey, you with me?
Some of me.
Yeah, your legs are... crushed.
Thanks, genius.
And these giant pants are kinda...
holding all your blood in.
Oh, that's good.
But when we lift them off,
you're gonna bleed out in, like, 30 seconds.
Oh, that's bad.
MAN: Crane's ready, Roy!
So, is there anybody you wanna spend that time with?
Just you, Eagle.
I really oughta get in there.
Dude, literally, 30 seconds.
Yeah.
Yeah, stay gold, pony boy.
I would like to have seen Hannah Montana.
Oh!
Gross.
No, but if he doesn't show up,
he's in forfeit, or --
XANDER: Whoa!
Who's ready to play the feud!
This guy!
Well, now we'll never know.
You look sharp.
You don't have to be crappy.
Psst, Xander.
Gran--
Oh, wave to the news lady.
Hey, you!
Where the hell have you been?
Uh...
(evil laughter)
Um...
come my chitinous friend.
Your mistress summons you from the briny deep!
Ka-kow!
That doesn't matter.
Duh!
But, I have something really important to ask you.
Uh, no, you can't has cheeseburgers,
you big fatty.
You know...
Why are you so fat?
Announcer: And now, the Haggar Pants
Presidential debate, with your host...
Carter Hawkins!
Hello, America, and welcome to the Haggar Pants --
(sighs )
All right, first question, both candidates --
Article Two of the United States Constitution.
The what?
Um...
Wait, why does he get a spirit animal?
Ooh!
I think my buzzer's broken!
The one about tariffs?
No.
It's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old
and a U.S. Citizen in order to be President.
Well, that can't be right.
I'm not even a legal resident.
And I'm only 33.
Oh, ( bleep) it, man.
This bull ( bleep) going on 'round here.
So, follow up, why are you idiots
wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?
Boosh!
Gad!
Damn it!
Huh?
I forgot bullets.
Is that your vagina?
My vagina.
Huh?
No.
This is yet another outrage!
Oh, don't be outraged.
You're not going home empty-handed.
Randy, tell 'em what they've won.
Whoa-hoe!
Hawk, the candidates will receive their choice of two
Haggar separates, whether it's the cool 18 cam shirt,
the no iron, mercerized polo, work to weekend khakis,
or essential comfort dress pants,
Haggar has 'em covered.
Thanks, Ran--
Haggar!
Okay!
Making things right.
(sighs )
You know...
( breathing heavily )
Hey.
You don't look like a guy who just got some free slack--
[thud]
(sighs )
[thud]
Ahem.
MAN: And they're good-looking slacks.
Ahem.
And those are, uh.. are they stain resistant?
Well, I certainly hope so.
Yeah? Why's that?
Because my bird is dead,
and now I really shall destroy this vile planet!
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