MAN: Shocking video of Presidential hopeful
Killface's luxury penthouse
following yesterday's assassination attempt.
Officials say an RPG was fired at the luxury condo
from somewhere in the town.
What the [bleep] idiot?
But I-l was just holding it.
And where did you even get that?
No, I mean, I'm into it, of course,
but this picture in your ad -- is it not recent, or...
[mumbling]
Well... Hey, is that a rocket launcher?
Yes.
Hey!
Spell of enough with the questions.
Ugh!
And in sporting news,
the manhunt for the Lenox Avenue Ladybugs continues.
My god, this is fantastic.
Oh, they just want to win -- Ladybugs.
No, the assassination attempt.
Oh, right.
DOTTIE: I mean, we're still broke,
but now we've got the sympathy vote.
The hippies, blacks, gays, Jews, sportos, dweebs --
everybody you insulted, they've already forgotten.
Ah, I love this country.
You people don't care.
Oh, but how are you feeling?
Surprisingly good, considering...
still tender around here.
Thank god your body absorbed the blast or we'd all be dead --
Me, Taqu'il...
Meh.
Well, but Simon?
Who I think may have a date with one of
the boy candy stripers here, so fingers crossed on that.
Not to mention that idiot Wendell.
Where is Wendell?
Well, he said he had to go see an old friend...
Bone to pick with him.
...upstate somewhere.
Upstate?
But nothing up there but...
[thunder crashes]
[door buzzes ]
WENDELL: So, how you holding up, Cody?
How's it look like I'm holding up?
I don't think these fluorescents are doing
you any favors, but trust me,
you could do a lot worse than the Aryan brotherhood.
And looks like they got your back.
You were supposed to have my back!
Instead, you framed me for murder!
Well, yeah, but I also just put six bucks
in your canteen account, so...enjoy.
A snickers is like $1.50 in here!
Well, Cody, you know, I ain't bankrolling your whole stretch.
Oh, my -- Wendell.
But listen --
you think you could move some product in here?
[sighs]
I'll have to check with Gary.
Who the hell's Gary?
Oh...
Ooh!
Are you looking for Simon?
No, I'm Dr. Stewart.
Oh, cool.
Never mind, then.
So, normally Dr. Brieger handles thoracic trauma,
but it appears that, uh, you killed him with a pipe?
Ha!
- Oh, my god, was that him? - Yeah.
- Dottie. - Wife and two kids.
God, that is so ironic.
Yeah, so, hey, if I can just get your insurance card...
Well, now, if you want to hear irony, um...
I don't have insurance.
Nor do you have a running mate,
and the damn campaign's half over.
Now, who's it gonna be?
Da, da, da, da, d-a-a-ah!
[thud!]
You can't hurt him.
But I do have a short list of four tentative maybes to --
All right, let's see here --
'Kay, Snatch-mo.
Roxanne, the real Roxanne, Roxanne Shante...
Feel it!
...and Salman Rushdie.
Which... I think it's actually "Salmon."
Damn it, these aren't --
Shut up.
Ashley, get me Salmon Rushdie.
[ Echoing ] Isn't it, um, "Salman" Rushdie?
Well, I'm sure you know best since you --
why is your voice echo-y?
I'm under my desk again...
XANDER: [sighs]
ASHLEY: ...because of the sirens.
What?
Those aren't real-world sirens, buddy.
Those live inside you.
So can -- can you get Salmon Rushdie on the phone, please?
Okay, you want me to get rid of Fred Dryer?
Fr-- What?!
ASHLEY: He's waiting on line two.
XANDER: Wh-- put him on!
ASHLEY: Okay!
On, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on!
Hello, this is Fred.
[gasps]
Oh, man, okay, first off, lam just, like -- huge fan.
And second off,
how would you like to be Vice President of America?
Hang on -- don't answer yet. [ beep ]
Hey, is it "and Canada," too?
What? No.
Not even the -- with the French part -- Quantus?
- No! - I don't know.
Man, I wish I had a computer.
[Whoosh! ]
Aah! Aha!
How long has that been there?
Oh, well, let's see -- always.
Huh, well, we'll just see what old Wikipedia
has to say about this Canada business.
Why is, um... nothing's happening here.
You're not connected to the internet.
The what?
Here, click on that -- "network diagnostics."
What? Here?
No, no, no, not that one. [fizzles ]
How good is...your reading?
Not great.
[rapid typing]
STAN: No, what are the last three digits?
I don't even see the I.P. address.
Now I'm thinking of l.P. Freely.
Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley.
[ Gasps ] Stan, Ace Frehley.
Oh, for [bleep] sake.
Put him on the list.
Why is the damned thing turned off?!
You said "shut down."
- Momentarily... - Well?
...a half an hour ago.
XANDER: I didn't go to computer academy!
Oh, shut the [bleep] up.
Oh...okay, you know what?
I think we need to zap our P-RAM with a cup ofjoe.
[typing ]
WAITRESS: Sir, care to sample a yummy wee-muf?
Why the hell would you come over here and presume
that I would want a yummy...miss-muf?
Oh, dude, do yourself a favor.
[smacks lips]
Hey, me and him are getting on the internet.
Okay.
Aha! See?
It's not Vice President of the United States and Canada.
Huh.
Just hope Fred Dryer's not too dis--
[ gasps ] Goddamn it!
[tires squeal]
[tires screech ]
[alarm blares ]
Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.
[ Beep]
[clears throat] Uh...you still there?
FRED: Yes.
Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
I can't believe I left Fred Dryer on hold.
Fred Dryer? I'm sorry, this is Fred Hunter.
- God! - But I'd love to be your Vice --
I been 1 Ashley!
ASHLEY: So, how'd it go?
Well, I think Fred Hunter's on board.
ASHLEY: Oh...that's, like, so totally something I'd do.
And I did it.
[sighs] [been]
[ laughs ]
Want me to track down Roxanne Shante?
KILLFACE: No, this is fine.
Don't need their smelly old hospital --
just lay back and let my superhuman healing
abilities do their thing -- be done by tomorrow, probably.
[ Quacking ]
What?
Well, now, look at you.
Wait. Is that"?
Damn it, Lamont, what did I say about the macaroni?!
[ Quacking ]
[ Sighs ] Get out of here.
Oh, now...
No, he knows money's tight.
And that salman isn't free, you fat bastard!
[ Quacks ]
I think it's pronounced "salmon."
Well, I'm sure you know best
since your hair's coming out in clumps.
Dottie, why is your hair coming out in clumps?!
No idea.
But now, pretty soon,
the campaign fund's gonna be just... empty.
So is your scalp!
- So, I think we should look - Woman!
Into some alternative revenue streams.
Well, why don't you scrape all that hair
into an old, plastic bread bag
and pop on down to the braid store.
"Hey, I got a big, plastic bread bag full of my own hair!
What you give me for it?"
"Hmm...l could probably do five bucks."
"I'd really like to get ten."
"I bet your bald ass would!
But the price is five!"
That's you.
I was thinking more along the lines of a corporate sponsor.
Get the hell out of here!
STAN: Now what are you doing?
I am gonna pay Fred Dryer a little visit
as Awesome "X," who we haven't seen in a while.
You think that's gonna impress him?
It will when I shoot him in the [bleep] face.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna take him for a ride in the X-caliber.
We'll do a little brunch, I'll let him steer -- you know,
birthday package.
[ laughs ]
Give my regards to Hooper.
And what's that supposed to mean?
[ laughs ]
No, I hate it...
with your little, snotty foreshadowing.
[ Chanting ] HOOper!
What the [bleep] idiots?
What have we done?
[indistinct talking]
Hey' "X:-
What the hell are you doing?
Well, see, you've been gone a lot lately.
Well, my alter ego's running for President!
Yeah, and so you'll probably appreciate this 'cause...
[ laughs ] ...we elected a new leader.
Um, um, um, what?
Yeah, Hooper's in charge now.
How and why is Hooper in charge?
Well, you know, he's got a lot of great ideas and, um,
leadership...
- [ gasps] - ...ideas.
It's his tits, isn't it?!
Oh my god, are his tits not insane?
[ Sighs ] They totally are.
And not just his tits, either.
Both: His ass.
Yeah, it's like a peach -- I've seen it.
Yeah, and tell him our new name.
Oh right -- we're not the Xtacles anymore.
We're the Deceptacles!
Hey, I was telling him.
Sing the song, dude.
There's a song?!
I' Deceptacles ♪
I can sing the song.
♪ More than you bargained for ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do,
Chicka, chicka, wah ♪
Way to ruin it, Neil Peart.
[ laughter]
- Guys? - John Cougar.
Okay! YOLL _ _ guys?
...douche-bots got
about zero seconds to get Hooper and his tits up here or --
Or what?
[all gasp]
Or...my god, those so are great tits.
Let's hear it for Hooper's titties!
HOOPER: Silence!
Now, come on!
We had a cheer going!
- I command the Deceptacles, - Yeah.
And you, Awesome "X"... are now my prisoner.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I got your prisoner right here!
[all gasp]
So swirl that softly and gently around your erect nipples.
Deceptacles.
[weapons click]
Yeah, I'm just gonna hold these for you.
That's why I never let ya'll have a song.
Throw him in the brig.
- Face. - Clever.
And then gear up because we are going to assassinate
the wherein Kelly.
Uh, the villain Killface?
The villain Killface.
[gasps]
And then I, Hooper,
shall destroy this vile planet once and for all!
XANDER: Um...before that,
is there any way we can swing by Fred Dryer's house?
Or no. No. Okay.
EN .sub/.idx subtitles: METdeath Demon retime + .srt convert: agi24cz