WENDELL: 'Cause I took an oath to protect him, you know?
Lay down my...life.
Can you turn it off?
Please?
No? Okay.
Anyway, so, where's Wendell, you know?
Where's Wendell when the [bleep] going down?
- One... - It was "The Edge."
Yeah, I got it.
Tony Hopkins.
Two.
[Splash]
Three.
[ Sniffles ]
But, uh, you know, lucky for him, though.
[ laughs ] How the hell did you miss?
No, no, no, no. You wait.
What?
[ Clicking ]
Yeah, no, I'm done.
Yeah, you're damn right you're...
Oh, that's lame.
Barnaby, my god, did you see that?
Yeah, and I'm curious to know where
the [bleep] she got robot pants.
Yep, it's all there -- 10 grand.
"Bazinjamins."
[mumbling]
Yes, it'll fit.
My ass is not that big.
No, when Valerie missed, it was --
But you never know how a guy's gonna react
to a near-death experience, you know?
It can really kind of... put the zap on you.
It was a miracle.
DOTTIE: Well, it certainly was lucky.
Don't-- Shut up.
It wasn't just luck.
Okay, it was a miracle.
Ever get any good press about that whole ducky debacle,
that'll be a miracle.
Don't just toss "miracle" around.
Oh, it's just a figure of speech.
No, this was a physical manifestation
of a higher power.
[gasps]
Where are you going?
KILLFACE: I have to go get the Bible.
Fantastic.
XANDER: Yeah, I guess it was lucky,
but if you didn't make me go on that stupid duck hunt,
I wouldn't have got shot at in the first place.
[ Groans ]
And so now we got to do this all day.
But you're scheduled to give a speech
to the National Organization of Ladies.
So send Fred Dryer.
You can't even get him on the phone.
Put a tank top on him, he reads "The Vagina Monologues"
or whatever -- dude,
you'll need hip waders to walk through there.
Damn it, Fred Dryer --
Bap, bap! Turn around.
Let me do your back.
Yeah, Killface and his miracle.
That was -- he was full-on about it.
KILLFACE: I mean, have you read this?
I just can't believe -- it's got wars and plagues.
And this one fellow Moses
drowned about a million Jibos in the Red Sea.
It is smashing.
And I think it's great you find it so rewarding.
No, but you haven't heard about Noah.
He built an ark.
How does everybody know this?
Tiny babies know about Noah's Ark.
And can you please stop doing that?
Yeah, I'm done...
nailing Jesus.
Should I have got the big one?
Trust me --
No, I don't even know if I'm on studs here, so...
That one is plently big.
I think we're about at the load limit.
And again, you know, sorry I almost got you killed.
Wendell, you are forgiven.
Good bit of that in here, actually.
Yes, and now, about that.
But, you know, we all go through these phases.
I mean for a while there, I was actually real big into NASCAR.
And, as you know,
American voters insist on a Christian President.
Well that's me.
I'm Christian in spades.
But you have to be subtle about it.
I'm subtle in spades!
They also don't want you
using the word "spades" all the damn time.
What are you wearing?
Hey, this is the real, authentic stuff, man.
Could we talk about the campaign?
Like Junior and them wear.
I mean, call me crazy, but --
They called Noah crazy.
But guess what?
They all drowned. Ha!
But then Ham saw Noah drunk and naked, so Noah cursed him.
And so that's why, um, black people were slaves or something.
What?
I don't know. It's pretty vague.
Did you actually read that Bible?
Mm, more just sort of skimmed it.
Well, there'll be plenty of time to read it
on the bus to New Hampshire.
New Hampshire?
You need to go to Dixville Notch, shake some hands.
I wouldn't shake hands
with a New Hampshirite for all the tea in China.
Well, why ever not?
Because they just legalized civil unions between,
you know...
the gays.
Holy [bleep] really?
But we're Democrats.
We're for that.
Holy [bleep] really?
Well, then, I guess Leviticus was a Republican,
because -- wait, hang on.
Ah-ha!
He goes, "if a man lies with a man as with a woman" -- i.e.,
pushing him to the store --
What?
"They shall surely be put to death."
Holy [bleep] really?
DOTTIE: First of all, Leviticus wasn't a person.
Well, demigod, whatever.
And second, Leviticus also says
if a man has an emission of semen,
he must wash his entire body with water.
- Anybody in the bathroom? - Wendell?
And third, the only thing I need to hear out of your mouth
is "global warming."
Junk science!
I beg your pardon?
Not in the Bible.
Doesn't exist.
Lamont, shut it.
And -- I'm serious.
And everybody, get on the bus.
WENDELL: Just a second!
On the bus to where?
To spread the good news.
Anyone have a tranquilizer gun?
KILLFACE: Won't affect me.
I've got a force field of God's love.
Democratic nominee Killface made headlines today,
but not the good kind like you want.
Because there's no such thing as global warming,
but if you're looking for alternative fuel sources
to power your tie-dye machines, just burn all your books.
This baby -- the only book you need.
And it says right here in Deuteronomy,
"a woman must not dress like a man."
And I see a lot of pants out there, ladies.
Maybe that's why God's giving you all
so much breast and ovarian cancer.
Gonna wear pants to your mastectomy?
And I honestly don't even know where to start with you people.
Maybe your grandad saw Noah drunk.
I don't know.
So, when you step into that booth on election day,
ask yourself one question -- Why?
Why did you people kill him?
[all gasp]
[glass breaks ]
And turns out Muslims aren't
the only ones who still throw rocks.
Turning to sports, the Lenox Avenue Lady Bugs
doping scandal heats up.
My god, this is fantastic.
Well, they just want to win.
- Get them, Lady Bugs. - Killface.
Yeah, but, shouldn't we be out there, like,
countering his message?
He's countering his own message.
All we need to do is lay back and watch him self-destruct.
Yeah, that's what we're doing.
- That's my new directive. - Bap, bap!
Hey, I "baP, ball"
The Hawk is coming on.
Okay. You don't "bap, bap."
I'm Carter Hawkins. Today's topic -- religion.
Killface finds it -- finally,
a Democrat who's not a Godless sodomite.
Grace Ryan, Harper Ellis, talk it.
There's two words for this -- political suicide.
The man has alienated every single group
in the Democratic party -- environmentalists,
the blacks, the Jews, the feminists, the gays.
And yet, their secret agendas continue.
- Wait, whose? - All of them.
The guy is handing the whole election to Crews.
Rebuttal.
Which I hope to be first lady, so...
Ha! Fat chance.
Get up there and clean that off, Mr. Bap Bap.
Bap, bap! My next guest, Killface.
Thanks for joining us on The Hawk!
Oh don't thank me, Carter.
- Thank God. - Done.
Otherwise, he might make it rain frogs.
- Boosh! - Then were are you, hmm?
Up to your tits in frogs.
Harper, rebuttal.
- To what? - I have a question.
. Bap, bap! . Bap, bap!
Timothy 2:11 says women aren't supposed to talk.
But I'll allow it. Continue.
As a Democrat,
don't you support a woman's right to choose?
You mean her right to be a whore?
Boosh!
My god, what else is on your Christofascist agenda,
the mandated teaching of creationism
in our public schools?
And I suppose you believe in evolution.
[mumbling]
Just a second.
There's a good bit coming.
Well, who built the pyramids?
Did the monkeys build the pyramids?
Look! Look at him!
Where's your pithy rejoinder now, Mr. Handsome Pretty Face?
[mumbling]
Simon!
[mumbling]
Of course you can.
You can -- let's talk.
- Let's rap. - [ mumbling]
KILLFACE: Yes, but what's that got to do with --
yeah, but...
[mumbles]
So, yeah, turns out Simon's gay.
Called it!
Shut up, Wendell.
And I don't know if this will have any impact on the election.
Any impact?!
After all your [bleep] gay bashing?
Crews is just gonna kill us on this one.
No, he wouldn't do that, would he?
Boosh!
Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.
- I want web TV. - Nope.
- I want Bluetube.
Nope, we leave this one alone.
Why?
Because two words -- John Kerry.
Who?
Exactly.
Is he some sort of famous gay dude?
You know, you're one to talk lately.
What's that supposed to mean?
GRACE: Just that you're just really
kind of creeping me out right now.
Damn it, I have to finish this.
But it's gonna be like Fred Dryer's
staring at us while we have sex.
Exactly.
Well, I say you got to drop out.
Well, I say shut up because it's not your decision.
It's Simon's.
- What? - What you think?
Want your old man to be President
even though he can be an ass?
[mumbling]
What?-- You don't have to be crappy.
And so we just talked, and he finally let me in.
And turns out, he's a really neat kid.
All that angsty posturing --
a lot of that's my fault, turns out.
That's my weighing him all the time.
That's weighing his portions.
And the soy -- just been soy mad lately.
Although I wonder...
MAN: You wonder?
Well, if soy turns you gay, but--
MAN: That's retarded.
Even if it does, so what?
I don't give a fat fig if my son is gay, as long as he's happy,
- 'cause I love him. - That's great.
Does sort of explain a lot, though.
MAN: How so?
Oh, I don't know. Little things.
Uh... The gay porn.
Oh, for [bleep] sake,
look at all the chicks on the [bleep] box!
And I'm sure lots of nice folks out there
can reconcile their Christian faith
with tolerance of homosexuals.
I just personally couldn't.
And so, the first thing is Simon has decided the campaign
shall go forward, so on to New Hampshire.
That turns out it's just a primary,
and you've already got the nomination, so, well,
I got that totally wrong.
Well, well done, dummy.
What happened to forgiveness?
Oh, that's the second thing.
As of this moment, I officially renounce -- ooph!
[ Beeping ]
Christianity.
[ Whimpers ] [ explosion ]
EN .sub/.idx subtitles: METdeath Demon retime + .srt convert: agi24cz