Aw, I loved Olympifury.
Green Fury is saving people in a burning building!
- Thanks. - You'll be okay here.
Green Fury, is that guy your new boyfriend?
Have you gained a bunch of weight
since The Olympian dumped you?
Did he dump you because you didn't want children?
Or did he dump you because you do?
Hey! This woman just saved an entire building,
and all you care about is who she's dating?
Yes! Thank you!
And I don't understand why people
keep calling me Green Fury.
I mean, I understand the "Green" part,
but I literally save people's lives for a living!
Watch out!
Green Fury!
You okay?
Yeah. Thanks.
Hey! I owe you one.
Oh.
If you're ever in trouble,
just push that button.
Thanks. I will.
Oh, come on.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
You bitch.
You knew I liked her.
- Wh... - How dare you?
No...
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So you're telling me, if you push that, Green Fury will come?
- It's what she said. - I'll give you $10,000 for it.
It's for emergencies, Teddy.
And Green Fury just came off dating The Olympian.
I don't know if you're her type.
- Ooh! - Okay. All right, all right.
If it's the abs things, I been working on mine.
I watched this YouTube video all about airbrush contouring
for this area, and it's pretty photo-real
if I just, like, constantly stand in front of her
at the exact same angle.
We did a dry run. I was mesmerized.
Uh-huh. Shredded!
I'll kick in 500 bucks if I can be there
to watch her break his heart.
Aww, thank you, Wendy. Okay, so we're at $10,500 now.
Are you really gonna walk away from that?
So are you walking away from that,
or are you just... walking away?
Ah, there she is!
Who's ready for her first board meeting?
This gal!
I can't believe the board even knows who I am.
They don't! They said if I wanted to bring
a lesser person to make me feel important,
that I could.
Well, they'll know who I am soon.
I've got some great ideas on the Wayne Security Poncho.
Do you want me to tell you now
or surprise you in front of the board?
Ooh, I so love surprises, but...
Listen, why don't we go with door number three?
Hmm? You don't talk at all.
Well, if I don't talk, what do I do?
Quite a bit, actually.
If I make a funny, you make a laughy.
But, Van, this is my chance
to meet the top executives at the company.
Okay, it is my moment to shine!
And shine you will, Emily. Shine you will.
But dimly. Very dimly.
Can you believe Van wants me to sit silently
in my first board meeting?
Actually, he's right.
If you want to move ahead in this company,
you don't pitch them your ideas.
You tell the idiots in that boys club
how brilliant their ideas are.
So you want me to be a yes-man?
It works for Van.
He is the Mozart of sucking up.
Jackie, hey, send Charles a cheese log
as a congratulations for his vasectomy.
He'll get that that's a penis joke, right?
I'll throw in some chestnuts and a nutcracker.
Chestnuts?
I don't get it.
He doesn't get it.
Mommy!
You better not be having any fun.
Mom!
I hate this place, and I'm all out of tape.
Hey, next time you put tape all over your face,
start with your mouth.
Jackie! You brought your daughter?
I love kids.
You can put anything in their pockets,
and no one ever checks.
Hey, Ruby, do you want to go shopping?
- Yeah! - She can't.
She was suspended from school
because she hit another kid.
Dope!
So what'd the punk do to deserve an ass-whupping?
Well, I don't know, because Ruby refuses to tell me.
Hey, do you want to go hide thumbtacks in Steve's sandwich?
- Cool! - No.
Unfortunately, she's too young to understand
that you're a cautionary tale.
You're sitting quietly by me.
- Lame! - Lame!
I'm sorry.
You're lame!
- Your mom is so lame. - I know.
So we'll just toss that money into the fake charity
we made for tax purposes,
unless anyone has any moral objections.
Don't laugh as loud as me.
- I'm not. - Okay, shh.
All right, next item on the agenda
is the Wayne Security Poncho.
It is resistant to lasers, gamma rays, fire,
and, apparently, consumers.
Oh, no!
Our sales are as low
as Charles' sperm count.
Kink in the hose!
So we are discontinuing it.
Oh, no! The head honcho just killed the poncho.
Oh! Oh!
Uh, wait a minute.
You can't just give up on the poncho.
It's a fantastic product.
Which no one is buying, but you know who is?
This guy!
Come on. First round is on me.
Uh, no.
I would like to hear out the young lady
who just shut down our entire meeting.
Well, the reason it's not selling
is because it doesn't have a cool factor.
What we really need is a spokesperson
that will make it cool by association.
Like a Kevin James.
He is the King of Queens.
I was thinking someone like a superhero.
Oh, my.
Superheroes don't do commercials.
- I can get Green Fury. - Oh, my God.
I think maybe you could order green curry,
but don't give any to me because it makes me repeat.
Did you butt-dial me,
or do I need to ruin someone's day?
Um, I'm sorry, I-I didn't get your name.
- Van Wayne. - It's Emily. Emily Locke.
I gave you that button for emergencies.
Well, and this is an emergency,
a work emergency,
which some people would say is actually...
I'm not hawking your dumb poncho.
- I'm a superhero. - Yeah. You are.
But right now, the world sees you
like this.
Damn it!
I was saving that doughnut shop.
I wasn't eating there.
No one asks The Olympian if he's packed on a few pounds,
and I eat one lousy doughnut and I'm on every cover.
Don't listen to them, Green.
Your body's bangin'.
- Who the hell's this dick? - Well...
I'm Vanderveer Wayne, and for the record,
I think The Olympian was crazy to dump yo' ass.
He didn't dump me. I dumped him.
No wonder the Justice League doesn't take me seriously
when this crap is all they see.
Well, what if we showed them something else?
We will build a campaign
that will show the world how strong, smart,
and capable you are.
The Justice League will come crawling for you.
Yeah, and it doesn't matter
how many guys dump you
or how many doughnuts you stuff in your face
to drown your sorrows.
- Van, I got this. - All right.
Oh, what the hell?
Things can't get any worse.
I'll do it.
But if you make me look stupid in any way,
remember that I shoot fire out of my hands.
Don't worry. We're gonna make you look great.
- We're the best and brightest. - Hey, Green Fury!
I can show you where the secret bathroom is.
She's looking at me!
No, she's looking at me!
Is she okay?
No.
You pressed the Green Fury button without me?
You know I have an unhealthy obsession with her.
Green Fury is going to be working with us, Teddy,
so I'm gonna need you to not act weird.
Besides, she never gave you the time of day.
Yeah, but I figured out why.
- Oh, because of reality? - No.
It's because I wasn't rocking...
this.
- Oh. - That looks uncomfortable.
I got it from an up-and-coming Swedish designer named Yaast.
So you got a Yaast infection?
Okay, you guys
have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm gonna go ask some people
who are paid to give their opinion.
- Your jacket looks stupid. - You're stupid.
Ladies, you all look beautiful, first off.
Thank you for coming to our focus group.
I would remind you, you are allowed
up to two slices of pizza,
but I have been known to lose count, okay?
Now, let's talk Scarecrow's gas mask, all right?
Excuse me, Ron, can I borrow these ladies for a second?
I mean, we are in the middle of something right...
I'll keep it moving.
What do you think about this jacket?
Uh... not a fan.
What if I told you this jacket
is a Yaast?
Which way do I turn the dial if I hate something?
Oh, to the left, but I want to remind you
he is not a part of this...
Looks like the kind of thing
someone I don't like would wear.
I understand that,
but perhaps we can focus on this mask.
I feel like he gives off a judgy type of vibe.
- Oh, I do? - Yeah.
Like he thinks he's better than everybody else.
- Okay, you know what? - I've felt that before.
This is not about me.
This is about a very cool jacket
that your simple minds can't comprehend, so...
Oh, okay.
Oh, um, ladies, I do want to apologize for my friend,
and I'm gonna go ahead and remove that two-slice limit.
It's a pizza party, y'all!
- Whimsical zipper. - It looks stupid.
You look stupid.
Did he just call you stupid?
I mean what I say. I mean what I say.
Stupids.
- Okay, um, Teddy? - Yeah?
You are testing terribly with women age 18 to 49.
The dust from the rubble clears
as Green Fury surveys the survivors.
She says,
"You don't need a cape to be super.
You just need a Wayne Security Poncho."
- Ooh. - They put on the poncho
and follow her into a burning building,
now completely protected.
Explosion, explosion, explosion,
and... fade out.
That was...
- Terr... - Fantastic.
Fantastic.
Fantastic!
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Emily, this is impressive.
You're gonna go very far at this company...
as long as you're not Facebook friends with any of our wives.
I don't have a wife,
unless you count marriages in Mexico.
No comprende.
- No. - No comprende.
I fit in.
Well, Superman, you may be the Man of Steel...
unless I steal your manhood!
Oh!
- We were emasculating Superman! - Yeah.
Go sit at my desk.
Fine.
Not you, dummy.
Ruby.
Oh.
Bye!
You're mean.
Oh, my gosh. Ruby is so awesome.
She gives the best advice, like,
"Sometimes a cloud makes you happy.
Sometimes a cloud makes you sad."
It's like, how does she know?
I'm gonna shut down this friendship
before Ruby also starts dressing like a sexually active grandma.
- Oh! Thank you. - She's not here to play.
She's being punished for punching another kid.
Oh, Miles totally had it coming.
She had a good reason.
Wait, she told you why she punched him?
Yeah... but I can't say anything.
She made me pinkie swear.
- Tell me. - I'm sorry, Jackie.
We pinkie sweared.
Emily, hi, you're a single heterosexual female
between the ages of 24 and 35, right?
Or is this Green Fury thing more than just
a little experimentation?
We're just friends.
Okay, well, congratulations.
You've been selected to take a short survey.
"How sexually desirable do you find Teddy
on a scale from one to ten?"
Teddy, I don't have time for this.
I am on a rocket ship to the top of this company.
Okay, so, like, 8 1/2?
Let's call it a nine. Keep the math easy.
Look, Ron, you saw how I tested with women.
How am I gonna win over Green Fury
if I can't charm a focus group?
I'm not sure you should put so much stock
in a group of people we found at a mall
eating Sbarro's at 10:00 a.m.
I mean, who eats a breakfast calzone?
Plus, I mean, I think you're great.
Yeah, but I've always tested well
with black males ages 25 to 44.
You're talking about me and Dan in accounting.
Yeah.
- Looking good, Dan! - Great.
I mean, we really should hire more black people.
I can't believe we're actually here.
Oh, is that jerky? That's jerky.
It's the big day, Emily!
Are you ready to paint your "Mona Lisa"?
Yeah!
I am so exci... ted.
What is that car for? Ooh.
Did they not show you the latest?
Mm-mm.
It's basically... It's your idea.
Green Fury is fighting villains.
It's just now some of her clothes get burnt off
because, you know, the fire.
So she's a little naked.
- Wait, what? - You don't expect that, right?
- No. - And now
her car's dirty from the battle.
She's got to get it clean, so it's sexy, sudsy.
- Where is the poncho? - At the end.
Green Fury rises heroically out of the hot tub,
she's wearing nothing but bubbles and a smile,
and she says, "I feel naked
without my Wayne Security Poncho."
Huh!
It's kind of a thinker,
but let's not underestimate the audience.
Emily, I need to use your purse
to store this jerky.
Look, this isn't the campaign I came up with.
Look at her, being so modest.
Emily, this is all you.
Marketing just made some tweaks.
It needed tweaks.
You know, I've been telling her that since day one. Jerky?
I would. It's just the aspirin.
Anyway, Emily, congratulations.
You're really making a name for yourself with the board.
Oh, my God, Green Fury is going to be so pissed.
This is the opposite of everything...
Just take the jerky purse!
She's never gonna do this. It's offensive!
It's like the old saying goes:
"If you want to make an omelet,
you have to compromise all of your principles."
This isn't how I wanted to succeed.
Well, then it will be how you fail.
Yes. Because it was your idea, everyone will blame you.
Okay, Emily. I'm here.
What are we doing?
That is an excellent question.
Emily, what are we doing?
I'm so done with "Game of Thrones."
I mean, the nudity is just gratuitous.
It's not even, like, sensual composition.
I mean, the fact that it's the same network
that gave Lena Dunham a platform
is just confounding to me, you know?
All bodies are good bodies.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
You love "Game of Thrones."
I mean, you uploaded a super cut of all the nudity
and called it a "thigh-light reel"...
which was very clever.
I crunched the numbers from the surveys,
and I found the perfect persona to ask out Green Fury.
I am now a tough but sensitive woke feminist
who was raised by a single parent
after his mother was killed trying to save Christmas.
Okay, well, buddy, I was with you
the last time you tried to pick up Green Fury,
and I don't think it's in the cards.
Emily!
Where's Emily?
Showtime.
Right after I apply some guy-liner.
Oh, you done lost yo' damn mind.
Oh, and don't forget,
Ruby's allergic to cats.
Also, her bedtime is 8:30,
although that's really up to you now,
and here is her birth certificate.
By the way, the father is not unknown.
I was just pissed at him that day.
- Um, what are you doing? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that you wanted to be Ruby's mother now
because she tells you all her secrets
and she wants nothing to do with me.
I can't take your kid!
My apartment is not zoned for human habitation.
Why did she tell you why she hit that kid?
I gave her life.
You make ramen with hot water from the bathroom faucet.
Jackie, she has her reasons. You just have to trust me.
I don't. You're a barely functioning human being
who has the same backpack as a seven-year-old.
Ruby is literally the only thing that I care about,
and I want to make sure she doesn't end up like you.
Stop!
I hit Miles
because he called you a garbage lady
who can't keep a husband.
I didn't tell you because I thought
it would hurt your feelings.
That's okay.
You can always tell me anything.
Um, except when you pinkie swear!
What the hell, Ruby?
Best friends forever!
I gave her a locket!
And if you think about it, you're not really naked.
You're just saying you feel naked
without your Wayne Security Poncho.
- So I'm not actually naked? - No, you're definitely naked.
But it's a great example of sex-positive feminism.
Hey, Emily, the patriarchy called.
They want their rationale back.
Green?
No one told me you'd be here.
It's me, Theo.
Remember? Theo?
What happened to you?
I'm woke now, yeah, so, um,
what about we go after this is done
and we get some green smoothies,
um, but, like, what do you think about that, like...
Um, I think that this is a lot.
All right, buddy. Come on.
I'm gonna get that smoothie with you.
Right after we hose off that guy-liner.
- Coexist. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Look, Emily. I trust you.
If you really think
that I should do this commercial,
I'll do it.
No. Because it's terrible.
I'm glad you think so, because I was not gonna do it.
Oh. Okay, so we're agreed.
I don't care what this does to my career,
but I am pulling the plug on this thing.
Wait. Just a second.
I like that fire, but if I quit now,
then the headlines will read,
"Bitter green diva walks off set."
Well, at least it won't be
about The Olympian breaking your heart.
Not sure that he would mind.
Pretty sure it's him leaking all that garbage to the press.
All that guy cares about is being famous.
Really?
What do you think he's doing right now?
Hey. Real quick.
Did I mention that my mom died saving Christmas?
- Okay. I'll see you later. - Bye, Theo.
Then after you're done washing the car,
- you get into the hot tub... - Hang on. Hang on.
So you're saying I'm naked the whole time?
Well, it depends on what you mean by...
Naked the whole time. Everybody sees everything.
Ass. Pecs. The whole enchilada.
- I'm in. - Boom! He's in! Grease him up.
- Including the enchilada. - Emily.
I just heard about this thing with The Olympian.
So did I, and I think it is...
- Yeah, I think... - It is a very sh...
- It's great! - Great!
- Great. - Yeah.
You're really going places, Emily.
Yes, we are.
Hey, Green. You got dinner plans later?
With you? No.
But call me around 11:00. We'll knock one out.
All right.
You look a little cold.
The Wayne Security Poncho.
It's hot.
Don't get caught naked without one.
Wayne Security Poncho does not protect
against magic or rain.
- So what do you ladies think? - Love it.
Definitely makes me want to buy one.
I still don't like that guy next to you.
Okay, it's not about me.
Okay, well, you guys are free to go now.
Don't forget your Burrito Gigante coupon
for $10 off any purchase of $150 or more.
I should've listened to you.
I mean, I know have a reputation of being a bit of a Lothario.
- No, no one says that. - Debatable.
But the truth is, I'm kind of in a slump.
Well, buddy, you're never gonna get out of it
by becoming some type of Frankenstein monster
of testing results.
You're right.
You know, I just gotta be me.
Mm.
Cool jacket.
Is that Yaast?
Why, Yaast, it is.
It's still stupid.
Okay, you're stupider.
Not you.
She's the stupid one.
- Having some bathroom ramen? - Maybe.
I'm sorry that I said that you were
a barely functioning human being.
Just gonna keep on slurping.
I'm the only one looking out for Ruby,
and I never know if I'm doing a good job.
Well, you are. Ruby's really awesome.
Thanks.
And it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world
- if she ended up like you. - Oh.
It would be really, really bad
but not the worst.
Thank you?
Hey! Check it out.
The Olympian's sharing his bedroom secrets.
What, that he couldn't get it up
unless I wore his helmet and called him Dark Side?
That is disturbing.
Well, on the upside, they covered the bank robbery
I thwarted yesterday.
See, the campaign worked.
Everybody's taking you seriously.
Yeah, I got a call from the Justice League.
Europe, but still.
Definitely one of the top five Justice Leagues.
It's not.
Well, it looks like
we all got what we wanted.
And the best part about it is,
we didn't have to compromise who we are as women.
You know, if there's one thing I've learned, th...
Hey! Hey!
No, wait, I'm trying to explain feminism!
When a man is talking, you listen...
God, she's coming back!
Whoa!
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