This just in, Atlantis, home of Aquaman
and character actor William H. Macy.,
has been attacked only a week before Sinking Day,
the national holiday commemorating
the sinking of their ancient city.
Ron, I didn't know that you and William H. Macy
- are from the same place. - Mm-hmm.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, I'm from Atlantis.
I thought you said you were from Atlanta.
No, that's Donald Glover.
And it might be racist that you heard that.
Classic white person making white person assumptions.
I'm half Filipino.
I thought you said you were half Philadelphia?
- What the hell is half Philadelphia? - I don't know.
All right, let's just agree that we're all racist.
Oh, we're not racist.
We just don't listen to each other.
Filipinos are notoriously bad listeners.
- What did you just say? - [whispers] Case in point.
[heroic music]
♪ ♪
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
Emily, I just got the latest sales report.
Tell me if you think that is acceptable.
It says sales have gone up 35% since January.
Okay, cool, that's what I hoped it said.
I'm not a big chart guy.
So I think that kind of effort deserves a reward.
Well, thank you, Van.
Which is why I'm telling my father
it is time I was promoted to the Gotham office.
Wait, what? Why would you get the promotion?
January is the month that I started.
Meaning what?
That's when sales started going up.
Meaning what?
I think we can point to one main reason.
Right! This guy.
[laughs] Emily, you're great at your job,
but you need to remember that I am "da boss,"
which means that it is your job to execute my vision.
And my vision is for sales to go up,
and they did.
So you're going to sit with your dad,
and honestly say you deserve a promotion?
Van Senior is on the board of Wayne Industries,
a scratch golfer,
a devoted husband,
and a dedicated lover to several mistresses.
He doesn't have time to sit with me.
I was hoping to fly to Gotham and talk to him
while we walked to where his Testarossa was parked.
[upbeat music]
[laughs]
- And I could. - The whole time?
- Hey, Ron! - Hey, Alex!
- Hey, boss. - Hey.
Why does Alex keep calling me boss?
- That's so annoying. - Man, what do you mean?
It's just a term of endearment.
No, it's a condescending thing to say to someone
that you don't respect.
All: Hey, boss.
Pow!
There's something off about Alex.
Yeah, Alex gets me off too.
Wait, what did you say?
Breaking news flash. A school bus full of children
has just gone through the railing
of the Charm City Bridge,
and is teetering 400 feet above the bay.
Our own Marv Wolfman is on the scene.
Sorry, boss, there's something I need to attend to.
Looks like new guy has diarrhea.
Not so attractive now, huh, Jackie?
Nah, I'm still in.
What's this? Coming out of the sky,
a man in a golden helmet is lifting the bus to safety.
[epic music]
♪ ♪
_
[kids cheering]
Hey, now, we all just saw Alex run out of here, and then...
- you don't think... - About him naked?
Yes, I do.
[liquid bubbling]
Okay, Ace Chemicals is gonna be here in a sec.
Let's run this one more time.
What is the greatest generator of supervillains
aside from bad parenting?
- Being bitten by things. - Laboratory mishaps.
Losing the popular vote,
but somehow winning the election.
- [laughter] - Hey, guys, come on.
Ron, your line is,
"It's people falling into vats of chemicals."
Do not give me a line reading, Emily.
It is insulting.
Ace Chemicals is our biggest client.
I wanna make sure it is perfect.
[both laughing]
But then my dad got them to drop the charges!
But we're still banned from Lake Havasu,
- you piece of [bleep]. - [both laugh]
Emily, let me introduce you
to this piece of [bleep] right here.
- This is Royce Kane. - Nice to meet you.
Ready for the presentation, you pieces of [bleep]?
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry. I-I just...
[both laugh]
- [chatters indistinctly] - Look at you!
Just busting your chops! [laughs]
All right, let's talk vats.
Okay, so last year, flaws in our safety grate
resulted in roughly one clown villain every three months.
So we changed the material on the grate
- to an acid-proof alloy. - I'm a little confused.
We're not interested in mechanical grates.
We wanna upgrade to a force field system.
And I explained all this in my email.
Oh... now, well, it sounds like somebody dropped the ball.
Who did you send the email to?
- You. - Huh?
Oh, it probably got caught in my spam filter.
You responded, "Sounds good,"
with a gif of two dogs humping.
That does sound like me.
You know, this isn't the first time
that you've dropped the ball.
Normally, I'd let it go because our families are close,
but I've got a company to run.
I'm sorry, but we're going to LexCorp.
[groans]
That's it? I don't even get to say my line?
I mean, this is my sixth grade production
of "Anne Frank" all over again!
[quirky upbeat music]
♪ ♪
You might have heard that we suffered a little setback.
Little? Jackie, how big was that account?
$75 million annually.
$75 million! [wheezing breath]
[strained whisper] I'm, uh, struggling.
Thank you.
- [normal voice] One of many accounts. - [phone ringing]
Wayne Security.
Look, it's great that you can mess up
and there's never any consequences,
but the rest of us don't have your dad to take care of us.
How dare you. I am a grown man.
I'm not taken care of by my "daddy."
Van, your father's helicopter just landed on the roof.
[croaky] Daddy?
Here in Charm City?
Did he land angrily?
[elevator bell dings]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
Oh, it's an honor to work with me?
Well, thank you, Bill and Melinda Gates.
Uh, hey, Dad. Bye.
I just got off the phone with the Kanes.
When I started here, this division was nothing,
so what did I do?
I opened up the phone-book.
I started at the beginning.
Guess which client I landed first.
AARP.
AAA?
- Aaron Brothers? - It's Ace Chemicals.
How can you not get that from the context?
- Oh. - I created that relationship.
I nurtured it for 30 years,
and you just pissed it away.
You don't even like the Kanes. You said yourself,
they have no understanding of marina etiquette.
They christened their yacht with Korbel.
You are a turd in my toilet, and you can't even swim.
I can float.
I have overlooked a lot of your transgressions, kid,
but it's now time you face some consequences.
What are you gonna do? Take away the boat?
The ski-in, ski-out chalet?
[whispers] Not the trust fund.
Oh, no.
Something much more important than that.
The last remaining shred of respect that I had for you.
What?
♪ ♪
You wanted to see me?
In a way, I envy you, Emily.
Your father is a poor, so it doesn't matter
if you have his respect.
Okay, you know what?
You could learn a lot from my dad.
He had a flower shop,
and through thick and thin, he kept it open.
He always said, "Put in the work and the rest will come."
My dad always said, "Buy your mistress the same perfume as your wife."
- Why am I here? - You are going to help me
regain my father's respect.
And do you know how we are going to do that?
No. How?
God damn it!
Jackie, send Teddy in!
- Hey, hold on, hold on. - Hold on! Hold on!
Why would you care what I think?
I mean, I only execute your vision, right?
I have no vision of my own.
[laughs]
I see what is happening here.
Hmm.
What do you want?
I wanna be promoted to SVP of Research and Development,
and I want that mug.
But how will I know I'm "da boss" if I don't have "da mug"?
Look, you lost a big client.
The only way to get your dad's respect
is if you go get another one.
And by you, you mean...
- Us. - It's the royal you?
- Start making calls. - Oh, yeah, I'm on it.
You know, we Waynes didn't get to where we are
by being afraid of hard work.
We did it by leveraging a coal monopoly in the 1870s.
[quirky tense music]
♪ ♪
Same chin. Same body type.
I'm telling you guys, Alex is the Olympian.
I guess the only way to know for certain
is for one of us to sleep with him.
Fine, I'll do it.
If you have the power of flight,
you don't also decide to get an accounting degree.
You just fly around.
Duh. Alter ego?
Just like my theory that Bruce Wayne is really The Flash,
and that Stephen Baldwin
is just a character played by Alec Baldwin.
Okay, I'm not buying it, but I'm very intrigued by the Baldwin thing.
All right, look, if Alex is a superhero,
then he should be able to catch...
- ... this. - Hey!
- Oops. - [mug shatters]
Whoa, look out, boss.
Well, I mean, of course he's not going to catch it.
It would give him away.
My kid made that mug, you idiot.
[strums guitar]
♪ Daddy doesn't love me ♪
♪ I can ski in and out of the chalet ♪
♪ But not into his heart ♪
Ooh, that's good.
- ♪ Not into his heart ♪ - What are you doing?
You're supposed to be making calls.
I tried. It was hard, so I took a break to jam.
I found a sweet riff, and then you came in
and messed up my flow.
I've been on the phone all day.
Now, remember how Atlantis got attacked?
I called them.
I didn't know when to call though,
because what time zone is Atlantis in?
I mean, do they have daylight savings time?
Do they even have daylight?
♪ Does Atlantis have daylight? ♪
♪ Or is it always night? ♪
♪ Are some monkeys real? ♪
♪ Do... ♪ What?
They wanna hear our pitch.
We have a chance to supply security products
to all of Atlantis.
This is huge! Way bigger than Ace Chemicals.
Yes! We did it!
God bless those weird little fish people.
That is actually very insensitive.
You know, Ron is from Atlantis.
I thought he said he was from Atlanta.
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- So those are the guys from Atlantis? - Mm-hmm.
And you're from the same place as them?
[chuckles] Crazy, right?
'Cause they're so dour, and I'm so cheerful.
- Yeah, it's a demeanor thing. - Yeah, totally.
All right, we hooked 'em, so let's go reel 'em in.
Ooh.
Emily, underwater people do not like language
like "hooked" or "reel 'em in."
- Good catch. - That's another one.
Okay.
Land people.
So those are just a couple of the products
we think could really help make Atlantis safe,
so you don't always have to rely on Aquaman to protect you.
You've given us a lot to think about.
We'll give you an answer in a couple of weeks.
We need to head home for Sinking Day.
Well, it has been an absolute pleasure meeting you.
If you have any questions at all,
you can email me directly.
I love Sinking Day.
I celebrate it every year. I got to get my sink on.
You celebrate Sinking Day?
Yes! I throw a huge party.
I'm famous for it.
Aquaman drops by...
- Anyways, here are some mater... - You know Aquaman?
We are very close personal friends.
He always brings the seaweed salad.
I love to chill with A-to-the-Q.
- Now as I was saying... - Uh, we would love to chill
with A-to-the-Q. [laughs]
Could, uh, we celebrate with you tomorrow?
- Yes! - And meet Aquaman?
Mm, yeah. [stammers] Yeah.
[excited laughter]
Laughing's fun.
[laughs]
And that's why they call me the closer.
Move over, Kyra Sedgwick.
Jackie! Send me a gift basket.
You're sending yourself a gift basket?
Yes, it's called self-care, Emily.
Van, follow my logic.
- You don't know Aquaman. - Mm.
When the Atlantians show up, and Aquaman's not there,
we're going to lose the deal.
We were already going to lose the deal, Emily.
That's the first rule of business.
Never let them leave without a yes.
Well, I'm pretty sure the second rule of business
is don't make promises you can't deliver.
If that was a rule,
there would be no such thing as business.
Emily! We'll figure it out later,
after we wow them with this party.
How am I supposed to wow them with a party tomorrow
when we don't even know what Sinking Day is?
I provided the vision,
which is for you to make it happen.
You asked me to help,
and then you made me do all the work
while you wrote a song.
You know, I worked every summer for my dad.
Oh, God, tales from the flower shop.
Yeah, that's right.
That's where I learned hard work.
And I was hoping I would end up working
for someone like my father...
someone inspiring, a mentor...
yet I ended up with you.
I'm starting to get where your dad's coming from.
Oh... and I'm starting to get where your dad is coming from!
Which is a flower shop,
because you won't shut the hell up about it!
That's right. Congratulations on a good job
both to and from Van.
I know.
[whispers] Psst. Psst!
[shouts] P-sst!
- Come here! - [whispers] Oh, my God.
[quirky light music]
Guys, I've been tracking Alex's bathroom habits very closely.
That feels like an HR issue, but continue.
I believe that's where Alex changes into his Olympian costume.
For instance, at 12:06 p.m.,
the Olympian stopped a mugging.
Now, at 12:05, Alex went to the bathroom
for exactly two minutes,
which is too long for a number one,
yet too short for a number two,
which means...
You're a crazy person.
Oh, am I?
Well, I thought you might be skeptical,
which is why I'm putting
Operation Fake Lady Getting Mugged into effect.
What the hell is Operation Fake Lady Getting...
Oh, my God!
There's a real lady getting mugged down there!
Okay.
♪ ♪
[whispers] Okay, now put a camera into the bathroom,
so we can watch Alex change. Let's go.
- Ron... - Let him finish.
No-no-no-no, this is getting out of hand.
He is not a superhero, okay?
And I don't want you to look more foolish than you already have.
- What? - Where'd Alex go?
♪ ♪
- It doesn't mean... - [whooshes]
♪ ♪
I'm sold. Just to be sure,
I think we should probably take a look
at that footage of Alex changing.
[whispers] You're right.
[upbeat R&B music]
[elevator bell dings]
♪ ♪
Oh, hey, look. Okay.
Welcome to our annual Sinking Day celebration!
- What do you think? - This is nothing like
any Sinking Day party I've ever been to.
- Oh, well, uh... - It's way better!
Look at that sculpture of King Orin!
He's even half circumcised, which is our way.
Uh, so glad you like it.
Wait until we bring out the tuna!
Ah! Yes! The noble tuna,
our most valuable ally, and trusted friend.
Oh...
Go, go, go!
Ah, you have touched our hearts.
I guess the only question now is, where's Aquaman?
Ahh! [laughs] Yes.
Well, you know, Aquaman is like...
Aha, friends!
[smooches]
Welcome.
A little fly in the ointment.
- A-to-the-Q can't make it. - [sighs] Oh.
But he sends this Cognac Grande Champagne
du LaCoursiere.
Lars, I believe you are a connoisseur.
There are only four bottles of this in the world.
[laughs]
And Albert,
I understand you're somewhat of a film buff.
For you, the complete works of Brendan Fraser.
The master. [gasps]
Brendan Fraser?
He's revered in Atlantis for some reason.
- Huh. - And for Anthony,
perfume for your wife,
and a second bottle of the same perfume for whoever.
- Oh. - [all laugh]
Oh, yeah! [laughs]
I have to be honest with you, when we left that meeting,
we were gonna go with a local company.
Really? Can you believe that, Emily?
I'm just as surprised as you, Van.
Ah! You know what, gentlemen,
why don't we crack open that bottle of LaCoursiere
and hammer out these details?
Sarah, conference room.
- [laughing] - [chatters indistinctly]
[laughing continues]
Third rule of business,
find out personal information about your clients,
and exploit it for your own gain.
I guess there are some things I can still learn from you.
Well, what do you say we go sign the biggest client
this division has ever had?
[chuckles cheerfully]
You're not signing anyone.
I heard that Atlantis is interested,
and this is far too important for you to screw up.
- But, Dad... - I'll handle it.
[quirky upbeat music]
[whimpers]
♪ ♪
[strums guitar]
♪ Why did Daddy pull off ♪
♪ My butterfly wings? ♪
♪ I used to be a caterpillar ♪
♪ Now all I do is scream ♪
♪ Daddy issues need some tissues ♪
[plays harmonica]
Van?
Don't come any closer.
I'm naked from the waist down.
- [whispers] It calms me. - Well, I just thought
there was something you needed to hear.
You put in the work, and did something great.
And do you know who would've respected the hell out of that?
My dad.
You never speak of your mother.
Did you drive her to suicide with these stories?
Look, if you want your own father's respect,
go in there and be "da boss."
I am "da boss."
Go!
- Dear, God. - Oh, yeah, whoops, just...
So I opened up the phone book, and I started at the beginning,
and guess who I landed first.
Father, Mom's on the phone.
She's crying hysterically.
She's outside the condo of a woman named Sasha?
I'll be right back.
Would you stop playing games? Now listen to me...
No, you listen to me.
I am the one who put this party together sort of,
and I'm the one who lied
and said that Aquaman was gonna be here,
and I was the one who bought a middling bottle of Cognac,
and had his secretary soak the label in tea,
so get out of my way, you therapy-inducing windbag!
This is my account to close!
- Are you finished? - Yeah, yeah.
Because I was about to tell you
the Atlantians only wanna deal with you
and that Filipino woman.
- Is that what she is? - I was also gonna say
that maybe for the first time in your life,
I'm proud of you.
- You can say it now. - Nah, moment's passed.
Now get in there and close the deal, you piece of [bleep].
Ah, Dad.
[whimpers]
Don't touch.
[sighs]
Wait, so you really want me to walk you through
how we process expense reports?
Yes, very slowly.
Okay, well, let's get our spreadsheet on!
Yucky. The only thing this footage proves
is that Gary from Marketing doesn't wash his hands.
Mm.
[upbeat pop music]
[all groan]
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Well, I mean, Alex must've changed in the supply closet.
What I need to do is set up a series of cameras...
For the last time, he's not a superhero.
He is.
You must believe in something bigger than yourself,
or there is only hopelessness.
Where the hell did you get that?
That was my line in the sixth grade production
of "Anne Frank," but I feel like it applies.
Hm.
And that's why I moved the remainder over.
That's fascinating. I'm gonna get us some drinks.
Don't go anywhere.
- Hold my drink. - Okay.
[quirky upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[grunts]
[partygoers exclaim]
Not a superhero.
Okay.
Attention, everyone, we have an announcement.
Wayne Security has a new client.
The Lost City of Atlantis!
[cheers and applause]
All right, now let's get our sink on!
[cheering]
Bring out the tuna!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
♪ Your daddy doesn't love you ♪
♪ You can ski in and out of your chalet ♪
♪ But not into his heart ♪
Ooh, yeah.
♪ No, not into his heart ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Your daddy doesn't love you ♪
♪ With his flower shop ♪
♪ That you will not stop ♪
♪ Talking 'bout Pop's shop ♪
[growly voice] ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Shut up about the gosh darn shop ♪
Ha! That's funny.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com