Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen?
The water in here is softer.
Look at this ski-jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?
That cereal has the Olympics on it? That's, like, eight months old.
When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names like Shannon or Rick.
- When we what? - When we have kids, dummy. Come on.
Yeah, I got to go.
Are you gonna be home later? I got to talk to you about something.
I'll be right here. Look at this maze. it's so easy.
Come on, you go in here and out there.
- I'll be home early, OK? - Yeah, come here, sweetheart.
Oh, Dennis, I just did my hair.
That's my girl. Yeah, bye.
Now, make sure you drink plenty of fluids and get something to eat.
Don't do anything strenuous tonight. Don't hit the clubs.
No, I'm going straight home, actually. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight.
- I can't take it any more. - 35, single, no children.
Three sexual partners in the last ten years.
I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.
Chocolate chip or butter crunch?
I can't believe this is happening to me. It's just not fair.
- You're right. This business is unfair. - What happened?
Jenna was supposed to be on "Conan" tonight.
I got bumped.
Oh, well, you know, that kind of thing happens.
Jack bumped her and put Tracy on instead.
Jenna, you can't let this get to you.
I just feel like everything always gets taken away from me.
No, that's not true. What about that movie you did last summer?
"The Rural Juror"?
Yeah, "The Rur..." that one.
"Rural Juror," apple 3, take one. Mark.
- It's a terrible title. - Action.
When does that come out?
"The Rural Juror" opens in selected theatres December 18th.
Does Jack Donaghy even know I'm in "The Rural Juror"'?
Maybe if he knew I have a film career, he would treat me with more respect.
Jenna to the set, please. Jenna to the set, please,
for "Rodney Stink, Confirmed Bachelor. "
I will tell him that you are in a feature film called "The Rur Jur."
- What's her movie called? - I don't know.
She's been talking about it for a year. I can't ask her now.
I can't believe Jack did this to her.
I can't believe Conan'll have Tracy as a guest again after what happened last time.
- You seem like you have a nice chemistry... - I am a stabbing robot.
- I will stab you. - All right, no, OK! All right, all right!
That's great, Tracy! We'll take a break! We'll be right back!
Hey, Clarice, can I see Josh's Stone Phillips wig?
Great. Do you mind if I pop it on you? I want to see the shape of it.
Please. It would make my wife's dream come true.
- Handsome? - Yes!
- You find me handsome? - Yes, very much.
You know, I used to be very rich.
- Hello. - Oh, hi. Sorry.
I know you're wearing that as a joke,
but it makes you look younger and more confident,
and I think you should consider it.
- Can I see you in my office? - Yeah, hang on a second, actually.
- Why did you bump Jenna from "Conan"? - Because if I have a choice
between a movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite...
No, Jenna doesn't do those commercials any more. She got fired.
I don't do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon.
I do them for the good of the show.
Well, I'm the one that always has to clean up the mess afterwards.
That's why my job is way better than yours.
Way better.
Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
I don't know, Jack. He's kind of a loose cannon,
and I like to surround myself with people that don't try to stab me.
Tracy's feeling much better now. He's under a doctor's care.
That's what they said about Hasselhoff.
Then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
This is important to me, so we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
What's the hard way?
You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul
every year till the war on terror is won.
Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight... you Black Irish bastard.
Back at you, man.
I have to be charming on "Conan" tonight.
it's my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try and make it talk-show-worthy.
- Maybe something about you and your wife. - Me and my wife like to play rape.
She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then I put on a ski mask.
- OK, not that. - You got anything about being a dad?
People eat that garbage up.
I walk around my house naked to remind my oldest son who's got the biggest dingdong.
No.
I could tell the story how I met Sharon Stone.
What was that?
I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy...
No.
My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone?
- What phone? - Is anybody gonna answer the phone?
The phone! It's ringing.
- So, you wanted to see me? - Oh, Lemon, wonderful.
I'm introducing Jack Welch at a dinner at the Waldorf.
What's a funny little quip I could open with?
That's why you called me up here? OK.
"Good evening, it's great to be here at the beautiful Waldorf-Astoria.
I haven't seen this many white people in tuxedoes since the Titanic. "
Lemon, this is not open-mic night at the Bryn Mawr student union.
This is a $1,000-a-plate fund-raiser.
OK, how about, "Wow, $1,000 a plate.
For that kind of money, this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house."
Let me tell you what I was thinking of saying.
"Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills,
they named Welch's grapejuice after him,
because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind grapes."
That doesn't even make sense.
No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.
I'll try to come up with something for you, but I got to get back downstairs.
Tracy needs help.
- Cookie in the middle of the day? - I gave blood.
Does that burn calories?
What else? What else is on my mind grapes?
I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite
put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan,
and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.
Who's that dude?
What dude?
The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.
I don't like that dude.
Hey, guys.
- That was weird. - You missed it.
Tracy was acting old-school bananas.
- He's always bananas. - No, this was different.
Yeah, like "Conan should be afraid" different.
Oh, really? Where'd he go?
Yes, I am having problems with my cable television.
Yes, I will hold.
Excuse me, I have another call.
Hi, Mom. I am doing fine.
That's not good.
- Frank, that was my blood cookie! - Ew. You want it?
Hey, Jack Attack!
Sorry, should have kept that one in the old brain box.
- Could you sign that for me, please? - Pete, where's your charisma?
- What? - The wig. I prefer that you wear it.
- Well, I thought you were joking. - Well, let me clarify. I'm not joking.
Pete, did you know that men with full heads of hair,
on average, earn 17% more than their bald counterparts?
I did not know that.
Perhaps because bald men are less informed than men with full heads of hair.
But here's what I want you to do.
Wear the wig for a week and experience your full potential.
I think this is my full potential.
I know you're sceptical, Pete. I know.
Here, I want you to do something. Pull my hair.
Right now, go ahead, pull my hair.
I'm just kidding. It's... It's real.
I'm not like you.
So, be honest with me. What did Jack say?
Well, I guess he thinks that Tracy is a movie star,
and he doesn't love it that you did those commercials.
Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home,
so unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...
Jenna, I'm sorry. Just let it go.
Tracy's doing "Conan" tonight.
Miss Lemon, we got a problem.
Tracy's doctor put him on some new medication.
I guess he's having some sort of reaction.
- Well, "Conan" tapes in... - Less than two hours.
Call me if you need me.
Tra, can I come in?
I'm bugging out.
I'm bugging out!
Tracy, who is your doctor?
Dr. Spaceman! Dr. Spaceman!
Oh, brother. Look around. We got to find his medication.
Dr. Spaceman, Dr. Spaceman
Wow, "Dr. Spaceman." I owe you an apology, Tra.
This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he's having a reaction
to the medication you put him on.
I was afraid this might happen. He's on so many neuroleptics and tricyclics
that there's no telling how they'll mix.
But what can you do?
Medicine's not a science.
Well, what exactly are you treating him for?
There's not really a name for what Tracy has.
Basically, it's erratic tendencies and delusions
brought on by excessive notoriety
and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.
Boy, I'm being awfully open with you, miss.
I should not have taken those blue things.
- So, is he dangerous? - No, he should be fine,
so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds.
I'll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible.
Do you need anything for yourself?
What? No, just where can I pick up Tracy's prescription?
Miss Lemon, they need you upstairs in Mr Donaghy's office immediately.
Kenneth, I need you to go to Rite Drug, 46th and 8th.
- Pick up Tracy's medicine fast, OK? - Yes, sir.
What is it? What's the emergency?
How's this for an opening line? "When I first met Jack Welch,
I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes."
- That's fine. Do that. - I don't know.
It might be distasteful if Randy's widow's in the audience.
- What did you come up with? - I have a bigger problem.
I don't think Tracy's ready to do "Conan."
I think you should let Jenna do it, and Tracy could do it in a couple weeks.
Jenna's not a star. She's capable, but she's not a star.
- She got a movie coming out next month. - What movie?
"The Rur Jur."
- The what? - Tracy's acting nuts.
He's having problems with his medication.
- Did you call Dr. Spaceman? - Yeah, I did.
Then he'll be fine. Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.
Is that rehearsal?
- No, this Tracy situation is really... - Are we still talking about that?
Do I have to run your show, or could you take this one thing off my plate?
No, I got it.
- I'll figure it out. What? - Don't ask.
Who is this leader of men?
What can I do for you, handsome?
Liz, I wanted you to be the first to know.
After the way Jack treated me today, I can't work here any more.
- I quit. - Jenna, I really don't have time for this.
Then I guess this is goodbye.
OK, Jenna, don't quit. The show can't go on without you.
You're a modern-day Lucille Ball. You're prettier than Debra Messing.
Please don't quit.
Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll stay.
It's Dennis.
Do you have any food? I'm getting really low blood sugar.
Are you dieting finally?
What are you doing, South Beach, Master Cleanse?
Whoa, gimme, gimme, gimme. Shoo.
- Liz, hey, it's me, Dennis. - Dennis, what do you want?
You got to do me a huge favour. You got to call Ticketmaster right away.
Nickelback just added another date, right?
And I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.
No, I can't do that for you. Just be home tonight when I get there, OK?
I need to talk to you about something.
Word.
Blue Man!
That blue dude keep following me!
Let's just get him down to hair and makeup. Hopefully, Kenneth will be back any minute.
Oh, my.
No! No!
No!
It's the Blue Man. It's coming up on me.
There's no Blue Man.
Take the Blue Man! I don't want the Blue Man!
All right, all right, all right.
Hey, Liz, what's up?
- Oh, hi, Conan, how are you? - Good.
You still going out with that guy from the pager store?
Who, Dennis? Yeah.
You still, um... How's your wife?
Let's not do this, Elizabeth.
Vocal warm-ups. I'll tell him you came by.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. He licked all of those.
After you, ma'am.
Chewbacca, may I speak to Tracy, please?
- How's it going? - No! Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete!
- It's going great. - No!
It's all right, Tra! Come back!
Yes, ma'am, do you have a prescription for Mr Tracy Jordan?
- OK, come on out of there, buddy. - Oh, I almost forgot.
Jack would like to see you up in his office.
Oh, I don't have time for this!
Yeah, Jonathan, tell him I've got my hands full with Tracy.
- You sound upset. - I am upset.
Come on up, and we'll talk about it.
Fine, I will try the other location,
but, frankly, Ladonica, you have not been real helpful.
We'll get to your problem in a minute. Have you had a chance to think of my zinger?
"Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody,
and I know what this crowd's giving thanks for...
estate-tax reform."
That is terrific. I really enjoyed that.
But do you think it's too topical?
Damn, I wish this event were tonight.
It's not tonight? When is it?
February.
Why are you wearing a tux?
It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?
It's 6:00'? No.
You're right after this commercial.
You can do this.
Mr Blue Man!
You gonna tell me my feet stink?
You don't even have feet, Blue Man!
Blue Man, where your feet at?
"Late Night With Conan O'Brien"!
That's right.
Now, we are on the s...
Excuse me. This is a page coming through.
Let... him... through!
No!
Here it is!
I'm trying!
- Give me his pills! - Here.
It's from Dr. Spaceman.
You know my first guest tonight from his numerous hit movies,
including "President Homeboy" and "Honky Grandma Be Trippin'. "
Or you may know him from his last appearance on this show,
when he tried to stab me in the face.
OK, got to go. Excuse me.
Tracy?
Please welcome Tracy Jordan.
You really went above and beyond for that guy today.
I just hope we get away with it.
This is going on a little long.
- Don't do that. - Pants on! Pants on!
Sit in the chair, buddy. Sit in the chair. Sit down, sit.
No, sit down. God.
Attaboy.
Good to have you here. That was great, and you're...
And he's asleep which is OK, 'cause at least he didn't murder me.
We 'H take a break, and, Tracy Jordan, everybody,
- Hey, you did good, kid. - You don't see that every day. Tracy Jordan.
Give me that.
I really got to eat something.
I've lost track of it!
What's up?
I didn't know what you wanted, so I ordered you a cheeseburger.
Oh, Dennis, thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.
So, what did you want to talk to me about, huh?
Nothing. I forget.
I just want to listen to you play Halo till I fall asleep.
Oh, it's baloney! How'd that grenade not kill him?
He was standing right next to it!
You know, Liz, this controller's defective.
Well, I got started in the NBC page program.
And before you know it, I'm making hit movies
with my good friend and roommate, Zach Braff.
What? Who told you that?
Well, yes, I do know how to clog,
but I don't think anybody wants to see me do that.
You do? Really?
You're a weird guy, Kenneth.
See you tomorrow, Mr O'Brien.