What the hell?
Man, they forgot my pico de gallo.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
Oh, love the shirt, Jake.
Lilith Fair '98 had the best lineup.
Meshell Ndegeocello crushed it that year.
Thank you, Boyle, but this is not my shirt.
I slept at Amy's and I spilled ranch dressing on mine.
Don't you have a drawer full of clothes
at her place by this point?
Yeah, I spilled ranch dressing all over the drawer.
What's so hard to understand about this, guys?
Why don't you two move in together already?
I thought you were planning to.
We are. We just haven't decided
whose apartment we're going to live in.
I think Jake should move into mine,
because it's bigger, nicer, and isn't covered in black mold.
Black mold, Amy? Not cool.
- Right, Terry? - What?
I rest my case. Besides, my place is cheaper
and it's in a cooler neighborhood.
Yeah. That neighborhood is technically called Cobblestink.
All right, everyone. Listen up.
We have a situation. Ten minutes ago,
a prison van overturned on Nevins Street.
It was carrying nine convicts who are now at large.
It's our job to bring them in.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a manhunt.
A manhunt.
Okay, what I want from each and every one of you
is a hard-target search
of every gas station, residence,
warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse,
outhouse, and doghouse in the area.
Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble.
There must be some sort of error.
There are nine fugitives,
and none of them are named Kimble.
- I didn't kill my wife! - What?
You're supposed to go, "I don't care!"
- I don't care. - Let the manhunt begin.
Patrol officers have secured a ten-block perimeter.
All civilians are being evacuated.
Here's what the convicts were in for:
arson, kidnapping, racketeering,
assault and battery, forgery and counterfeiting,
triple homicide.
Whoo!
What? I'm not excited about the murders.
I'm excited about the chance to avenge them.
You guys are the weird ones.
Diaz, I want you here with me interviewing witnesses.
The rest of you will search the secured area
in the following teams: Santiago, Boyle;
Jeffords and Peralta.
Get to work.
Okay. We'll start south of Nevins.
You two start at Bond and we'll rendezvous in the middle,
assuming, of course, Boyle and I haven't already caught
all the fugitives by the time you two show up.
Amy, there are nine hardened criminals
running free in the streets.
This is hardly the time for childish trash talk.
It's time for a bet.
- A crazy-ass bet. - What are you thinking?
Whoever catches the most fugitives
gets to keep their apartment.
Loser moves in with the winner.
All right. I'm in.
I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a thousand pillows.
Well, I hope you like sharing my one grey towel.
Was it grey when you bought it?
I didn't buy it.
It was in the apartment when I moved in.
Are you sure you don't want to just move in with me?
We already shook on it. The bet stands.
Prepare to die, and by "die," I mean move in with me.
Here we go.
I get that the streets are empty,
but slow down, man.
Terry forgot his Dramamine.
Stakes are high, Sarge.
I know it doesn't matter to you, but I really want to beat Amy.
Doesn't matter? Look, I am completely on board.
You need your own space.
I had a painting studio in my apartment.
Was this in the '90s?
Did you wear overalls and no shirt?
Every chance I got.
But then I moved in with Sharon.
And then the kids came along.
You know where I have to paint now?
My acrylics!
I am not gonna let you lose this bet.
The march toward the closet starts with a single step.
Cool. So, basically just telling me not to get married
and have kids... Anything from dispatch?
Security footage from a bank near the accident.
Two fugitives ran past going north toward Flatbush.
Looks like the arsonist and the gun runner.
Let's go after the arsonist first.
I thought of the perfect thing to say when we catch him
that no one else could ever have possibly...
"You're burnt"?
No.
Initial reports had one of the fugitives heading south
on Lincoln Place.
On it.
So, I know you're Jake's best friend, and...
Did he say that? Did you get that on tape?
- No. - No, he didn't say that
or no, you didn't get it on tape?
Doesn't matter. Either way, you screwed up big time.
Anyway, all I'm saying is I know you're Jake's best friend
and you really want him to win this bet...
Are you kidding? That's the last thing I want.
Jake moving in with you is my dream come true.
Your apartment is two blocks away from mine.
Jake will be able to pop by any time.
Imagine it.
He's had a tough day. He's fighting with Amy.
You know how you let things escalate.
So, he just walks over to my place,
bottle of wine in hand,
and we just talk it out.
And then by the time that bottle's finished,
you've come to your senses and apologized.
Maybe I don't want to win this bet.
Okay, we need to figure out
whether this crash was an accident
or part of a deliberate escape plan.
Gina, I need you manning the tip line.
Ha-ha! Good luck talking to the crazies.
Crazies?
Oh, Rosa.
Sad Rosa.
Have some respect for your fellow human beings.
What has gotten into you?
Solange just posted a video
of a Kenyan human rights activist, Abdala,
and I realized he and I are the only two people
that can save the world.
I'm so excited.
Okay, Diaz, there are only two witnesses
who were close enough to the crash to see something.
One's on his way here already.
His name is Marshawn Lynch.
Marshawn Lynch?
Marshawn Lynch the football player?
I don't know his hobbies. It just says here
he's unemployed.
Retired.
We're not getting anything out of him.
He's always getting fined for refusing to talk to the press.
Ugh, he's kind of one of my heroes.
Well, it may be tough, and it may take a while,
but I'm sure we'll get him to open up.
Sir, there are some vaults you just can't open.
I ain't seen anything.
I was eating my quesadilla.
It was a good one. Chicken, cheese, guac.
But they forgot my pico de gallo.
I remember when I was a little boy,
my mama used to make this, uh,
she used to call it "fo' cheese."
What y'all call it? Y'all call it "four"?
How come they never make quesadillas with sausage?
You throw some tomato sauce in there
and call it a pizza-dilla... What you think?
What is going on?
This one time, I tried to wait up all night
to catch Santa Claus, right?
You know how they tell you
you got to put the cookies and the milk out?
I don't really be telling nobody this,
but I like to sleep with the fan on,
even when it's chilly outside.
All about that white noise, baby.
Stop. Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch.
Did you see anything after the van crashed?
Yes or no?
Nope. Like I told you, I was just eating my quesadilla.
Have I talked to y'all about my pizza-dilla invention?
Yes, well, I have other matters to attend to.
So, Detective Diaz, just take down everything
Mr. Lynch has to say.
Captain...
You think he'll let me shoot his gun?
Jake, look.
You think it's our guys?
Maybe. But this is New York,
so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."
- NYPD! Freeze! - Freeze!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the precinct
escaped convict number one!
Terry, where's the music? That was the cue.
I didn't have that Queen song on my phone.
I wasn't gonna pay $1.99 for it.
Nice work, man. You can put your perp in holding
with the other three convicts.
- Wait. Other three? - Yeah.
Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
That's right. It's three to one.
Guess you won't be needing this anymore
since you'll be moving in with me.
- My towel. - Yeah, your towel.
Why won't it burn?
Because it never fully dries.
The towel lives, and so do we!
****
Hey, Santiago, how did you guys
catch three perps so quickly?
They weren't even close to each other.
Given the magnitude of the situation,
we were given full access to any and all department resources.
That's right. We took a little trip
down to the tactical supply armory.
No, you did not!
Thermal imaging, baby.
Thermal imaging baby?
Very handy in fugitive hunting.
Also...
I got this Flo-Tech performance polo
with moisture-wicking technology.
Kept me dry all morning.
And a dry is a smart boy.
Ugh, he keeps saying that.
Charles, you've gotten negative reactions
from everyone who's heard it.
I needed to see what Jake thought.
- Oh, I hated it. - Really?
Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts.
Two more, and we win.
Huh, just two?
No sweat.
Literally.
Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Oh, these lil' ol' things?
- Tsst. - What?
Why'd you put your finger in the middle?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I was wondering if you could
answer some questions about the car accident
you witnessed this morning.
- What's she trying to tell us? - I don't know.
Probably "Never meet your heroes,
'cause they're gonna turn out to be friendly."
You need to get over this
Marshawn Lynch situation real quick.
Now, we just have to figure out
what language she's speaking so we can find a translator.
Here, ma'am.
Take a look at this map of the world.
You just keep one of those on you?
Of course. In case I ever need to prove my point
in an argument.
- Laos. - Fine!
Oh, it was better than fine.
It was Laos.
- Mm. - So, where are you from?
Where did you grow up?
Where were you born?
What are you miming there, sir?
A child tying his tie.
Uh-huh. I'm trying to do a simple Half Windsor
so she knows I'm a baby.
Look at this. See how basic this knot is?
I love these thermal goggles.
Amy, listen to me very carefully.
If you and Jake are thinking of trying,
you are ovulating like crazy right now.
You take that helmet off before I knock it off.
What? Your basal temperature is off the charts.
This is a good thing.
Boyle!
NYPD! Get down!
Freeze!
Aah! The room's hot. I'm blowing out.
This way. Come on.
Oh, come on! Where did you guys even come from?
Your nightmares.
Hey, Amy, allow me to introduce you to Big Bertha.
Okay, I guess I'm not worth introducing to your truck.
That's right, y'all. We went to Homeland Security.
Yep, this beauty comes fully equipped with thermal imaging,
a satellite link-up, and she plugs in
to every surveillance camera in the city.
And she's also got a holding cell,
which is big enough for three perps.
Jake, counting this guy, how many perps have we caught
and placed in the three-perp perp cell?
Well, Sarge, we've placed three perps
in the three-perp perp cell.
So, the three-perp perp cell's full?
Full of three perps is the three-perp perp cell.
Okay, stop saying "perps" and "cell" and "three."
You sound irritated. What's the score now?
Are you guys still ahead? Let me just check.
Oh, drone! Little help?
Yeah, I can't read that score. What does it say?
Anyway, I'm sure you're tracking whatever the score is.
All right, thank you, drone. That'll be all.
Whoop! Didn't see the tree there.
Big Bertha has a drone. That's what's important.
What are you trying to tell us?
Is this some kind of a clue?
Draw better. We have no idea what this is.
- I think it's a cookie. - No. It's a pizza.
It's a cookie pizza!
Another case solved.
No. Detectives, we...
Shh shh shh. Let them go.
She's taking us somewhere. This is good. This is good.
We're gonna crack this, Diaz.
Nope. She just needed to take a dump.
Okay, satellite images showed
one of the two remaining convicts entered this building.
If we catch him, that's five. I win the bet.
Amy moves in with me. I lord it over her.
She's miserable. We live happily ever after.
It's fool-proof.
There's got to be 30 floors in this building.
It'll take forever to sweep the whole place.
Nuh-uh. We can use Big Bertha
to tap into the security cameras.
Ohh.
Okay. This room is clear, but check that closet.
Man, this is like playing the coolest video game ever.
My character is Terry.
- It's locked. - Ooh, kick it down.
Front kick! Front kick!
- All clear. - Now strafe. Strafe!
I don't know what that means.
- Barrel roll. Duck. - Duck?
Just tell me where to go, man.
Wait a minute. Slide one of your feet forward.
Now switch.
Now punch both your fists forward at the same time.
Are you making me do the running man?
Yeah. The original one.
Excluding the movie.
And Stephen King's classic short story.
So, the third iteration.
I'm going off on my own.
He has sentience.
It's "Westworld."
Oh, wait a minute, Sarge. I don't have eyes on that room.
Hang on. I'll find it.
Oh, no. Sarge, just hang on. I'm coming for you.
****
Drop the weapon.
- You drop your weapon. - Okay, stay cool.
We can work this out. I'm a trained hostage negotiator.
I got my friend's sperm back from his ex-wife last year.
Well, she destroyed half of it, and he decided to adopt, but...
- Peralta! - Right. Sorry.
What do you want?
You let me walk out of this building and get into a car.
- If anyone tries to stop me... - Got him.
Oh, well, you know, I think that makes it four to four.
No. No. You don't get credit for this guy.
I was in the middle of negotiating,
and he was about to give up... Tell him, guy.
No, I was probably gonna kill him,
then let you kill me.
Oh, my God. I should've been way more scared.
Well, there's just one convict left.
Whoever finds him wins.
Yeah. I guess you could say he's...
the Golden Snitch.
Wait. Was that a "Harry Potter" reference?
It most definitely was. I started reading them
- 'cause you love them so much. - And?
You were right. They're incredible.
Remember when I called in sick the other day?
I was at home reading "Order of the Phoenix."
Oh, this makes me so happy!
How sad is it when Cedric dies?
I was crushed.
Literally crying on the toilet.
Aww.
Guys. The fugitive. The bet?
Right.
I'm gonna catch this last fugitive,
win the bet, and then we're gonna live together
for the rest of our relationship.
Just you and me and towel makes three.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Just so you know, at the end of the sixth book,
Snape kills...
La-la-la-la-! No spoilies!
Terry, let's go.
It really sounds Slavic.
Does anyone here know any Slavic languages?
Oh, I'm great at languages. Watch this.
Hello! I am Hitchcock!
Thank you for the cookie-pizza idea!
I believe it was human rights leader Abdala
who once said "When the choir shouts the loudest,
the most powerful one is silent."
That doesn't even make any sense.
Well, I might have paraphrased it incorrectly.
But allow me to introduce to you Rob.
Rob, come on in.
He called the tip line.
But he's so... not crazy-looking.
Rosa, have Abdala and I taught you nothing
about stereotyping?
I'm beginning to feel
like you're our biggest project, sweetie.
That's enough. What did he tell you?
Well, let's find out, okay? Together.
Rob, do you want to share your experience with the group?
Gladly.
Okay, so, you know how there's a subterranean race
of lizard-people living beneath the city
who control our minds with their pheromones?
Okay, he's a wackadoodle.
Gina, get your wackadoodle out of here.
It's been two hours, and nothing on the last guy.
He's gonna get away.
Where are you, number nine?
Think. If I was an escaped murderer, where would I hide?
Where?
Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped
I could force an epiphany.
And I did.
No, that didn't work either.
Or did it? Still no.
- Unless... - Stop it, Jake!
Well, Marshawn Lynch will not leave your office.
He has now pulled up one of those wedding proposal
viral videos on his phone and is crying.
What did I do to deserve this?
Well, I haven't fared any better.
She keeps drawing her stupid circle pictures
and then running off to the bathroom.
We get it. You have a bum-tum. Yes.
Ugh! You think you guys have it rough.
I've been stuck here listening to crazy Rob
spew his insane garbage
What happened to your positive attitude, Abdala?
Don't even say that name, all right?
I tweeted him and got nothing.
Meanwhile, Rob tweets him some crap about lizard-people,
he's like, "Oh, retweet, oh, fave" everything.
I just told him I saw one of them
slip back into his lizard home under the streets.
That's where they make their soup.
Oh, my God. He's onto something.
Captain, don't try to be nice
by giving a crazy person a voice.
Plus, we've already learned that human rights are crap.
No, he said that the lizard-people live
under the streets.
He means the sewers. He saw someone go
from the van into the sewers.
Look.
It's a manhole cover.
Peralta, Santiago?
- Yeah, we're here. - Us too, Captain.
We have a lead. One of our witnesses saw
the last convict, George Gessilnick, the murderer,
go down into a manhole and escape into the sewer
near the crash site.
Copy that. We're on it.
Yeah, so are we. We're also on it.
Whoop! Back it up a little bit.
Forward.
Back.
Forward.
Back.
Forward.
Back.
Forward.
And we're good to go.
Oh, almost clipped the mailbox.
Heh. Close call.
****
Please let this muck be water. Please let this muck be water.
I won't be able to hug Nicolaj for a month.
He doesn't have all his shots yet.
Shh. I think I heard something.
I can't believe Leonardo lived in this.
I mean, Michelangelo I get. He's kind of a sloppy dude.
- But Leo is so fastidious. - Jake, shut up.
Sarge, we're in a sewer.
I'm goin'st to talk about the Turtles.
No, Jake. Shut up. I hear something.
NYPD! Freeze!
NYPD! Keep your hands where we can see them.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you.
Why did you stop?
I'm done. You win.
W-what?
I love you. I want to move in to your apartment.
Really?
I love you too.
Oh, my God, what a beautiful moment.
And, you guys, Amy's ovulating as we speak!
- What? - Charles!
All right, head to the back. You're going to jail.
Hey.
I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
I don't know. When we were back there
racing through the Miranda Rights,
I just looked over at you and thought,
"You're awesome.
And you're good at doing things."
I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth
way more than winning some stupid bet.
- Are you sure about this? - Oh, yeah.
Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable.
You want to know what my first thought was
when we dropped into the sewer?
"Smells like home."
He's lying, Amy.
His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer.
He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry.
- Quit being such a Malfoy. - Yeah, Terry.
Guys, we have a problem.
He's not our convict.
What? The guy in the orange jumpsuit
that we found hiding in the sewer is not our convict?
He's our van driver.
A man came to me last week.
He told me I had to help Gessilnick escape from jail.
He had pictures of my family.
He said he'd kill them if I didn't help.
So, I crashed the van, and Gessilnick took my clothes.
But then where's the guy we thought was the van driver?
He vanished. George Gessilnick,
posing as a Department of Corrections driver,
was taken to the hospital,
where he escaped some hours later.
He's highly dangerous, probably armed,
and could be anywhere.
Detective Diaz has some background information
to help in the search.
So this is one scary dude.
We don't have a complete rap sheet on him
because he's had so many aliases,
but we know he's killed at least five people.
He's been in the system since he was 11.
That's when he stole $4,000 from his foster family
and burned their house down.
Wait a minute. This is the foster family?
- Yeah. Why? - Did you see
who the brother is?
I need to get a message to somebody.
This is very important. Tell him Jake Peralta wants to see him.
I'm not after him. I just need his help.
Hello?
I followed all your rules.
I'm unarmed. I'm not wearing a wire.
I came alone. There's no backup.
Come on, man. I need your help to take down your brother.
Doug Judy. The Pontiac Bandit.
Hey, baby.
Nice legs.
Why are you in your boxers?
So you would know I'm not wearing a wire.
Your buddy Scott said I had to.
Oh, that makes sense. Scott's a perv.
Hey, Scott, wherever you're watching from,
go home!
Sorry, man.
So, what's so important?
I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Hate the guy. Stole from my mom,
burned our house down.
Worst of all, he ran off
with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required."
It's my favorite album.
Haven't heard it in 20 years.
I mean, can't you just stream it?
Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Right. Vinyl and whatnot. Okay, well,
George is a murderer now and he just escaped from prison.
We think he might be trying to flee the country.
You want me to help you catch him?
Like when X-men teamed up with Magneto
to stop Apocalypse.
- I heard that one was bad. - Wasn't great.
- I still want to see it though. - I'd watch it again.
- So, does that mean you're in? - Course I am.
Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once.
A cop and a criminal working together.
We need a theme song.
♪ The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop ♪
- Oh! - ♪ Taking down crooks ♪
♪ In the streets where they live ♪
♪ Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge ♪
♪ There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime ♪
You gave him full immunity? Are you insane?
You told me to cut a deal.
I thought you'd maybe drop charges on one or two felonies.
But do you know how many crimes we're forgiving?
- Six... - That's not so bad.
- Hundred! - Oh, that's way more.
"Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto.
Grand theft auto. Dog fraud."
I sold a guy a fake Pekinese.
'Twas a cat.
You will not win me over with your use of "'twas."
'Twasn't trying to.
You're clearly friends with this man,
and you've lost your objectivity, Peralta.
Or have you lost your objectivity?
What are you doing?
My bad. I thought we were leaving.
No. I'm just making a point here. Sit down.
Look, sir. There's a triple-murderer
loose in Brooklyn, and it's our job to bring him in,
even if that means forgiving a guy who stole some cars,
and, yes, sold a few cats as dogs.
More than a few.
Weird how many people fell for that.
Plus, his deal is conditional.
If Judy doesn't lead us to his brother,
he doesn't get immunity.
Look, Cap, I want to see George behind bars
as much as you do.
I hate my brother.
You can relate to that, right, sir?
Remember how furious you got
that time your sister ended an email with "thx"
instead of "thanks"?
Why would you bring that up?
- It seemed pertinent. - Fine.
Let's see where this leads.
Dismissed.
So we don't know if anybody helped George Judy
escape from this hospital.
Security cameras show him entering this courtyard,
but never coming back out.
The dude just vanished.
Ugh. Terry hates hospitals.
They reek of death.
Ahem.
Oh, not you, ma'am.
You reek of life.
Maybe he went up the wall
like this.
Never mind. It's not possible.
You sure?
Damn, Rosa! How did you do that?
I have a dark past.
Now you know my deepest shame.
Cool. Well, now that I saw you do it,
I get how to do it too.
Ooh, damn, Terry.
Hey, guys. Guess what.
To thank you for being such good friends,
I picked up a big old basket of muffins.
Follow me.
- Come on! - I got all kinds of muffins!
Blueberry muffins, poppy seed muffins,
banana nut muffins, chocolate chip...
Ooh, wait, there are no muffins.
What's happening now?
How's it feel being lied to, Huh?
I mean, I'm okay. I wasn't really that invested
- in the muffins. - I was.
You guys thought you could keep a secret from me?
Well, I know everything.
Hitchcock left his phone in the bathroom again,
and guess what I found on it.
I needed the cash. I didn't know they'd be filming.
Text chains. Dozens of text chains.
And I'm not on any of them.
Take a look at this board.
There's an Amy-Gina-Terry- Hitchcock-Rosa-Jake chain.
There's a Hitchcock-Terry- Amy-Rosa Chain.
There's even a Hitchcock-Gina- Scully chain.
I mean, what the hell happens on that?
Well, we mostly just exchange "Game of Thrones" theories.
The little guy is gonna marry a dragon.
We think.
Well, one thing's for sure:
Charles Boyle...
is off the chains.
I'm sorry.
We only excluded you because you're kind of...
an over-texter.
Over-texter? That's not even a thing.
Oh really? So you don't remember the time
you sent 97 unanswered texts in a five-minute span?
My phone vibrated itself off the desk.
I think it was committing suicide.
It's okay. This isn't the first time I've been left out.
At camp, nobody would be friends with me.
I had to hang out with the lunch ladies.
After summer ended, they never replied to any of my letters.
Oh, this is really sad.
There's just no muffins at all.
- Kaboom! - What's this?
That is the art auction
that George Judy will be robbing tonight.
- Why is it so sticky? - I was eating sour straws.
It's crazy that's what you're choosing to focus on.
Doug Judy came through for us.
That's what George is after:
a bejeweled egg worth $20 million.
That's a nice egg, but how do you know he'll be there?
Doug's boy Parker said he kept asking about the place.
And what does this Parker do?
You know, I don't know. I can't really recall.
Some sort of auto-industry professional.
Maybe, like, a car thief or some such whatnot.
Oh, I see. So the only thing we have to go on is
the word of one of your criminal friends?
Criminals? That's how you see us?
Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family?
Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games?
Or to steal video games because you smoked all that weed
- you were supposed to sell? - Yes, all of those are crimes.
- Damn. Even the bread one? - Especially the bread one.
But since this is the only lead you have,
go do something with it.
Oh, we'll go do something with it.
We'll go do something with the hell out of it.
No, no, no.
He's not a cop.
He can't be wearing any of this.
It's just a windbreaker.
It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun.
- Uh, he has both of those things. - It's not loaded.
I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase.
New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.
Give me that.
I'm putting myself on this case.
All right, Captain.
Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot...
- Let's go! - All right.
****
Whoo. Okay.
How do I look? Like I'm about to buy a bunch of expensive art?
Hell, yeah. And not just paintings either.
You look statue rich.
I didn't know we'd have to valet.
Perhaps I shouldn't have brought Gertie.
Who's Gertie?
That foxy little she-devil we just drove here in.
Gertie? No, man.
A car's gotta have a sexy name, like Brooke,
or Tiffany, or Sandra, or Candice.
Yeah, or Suzie, or Dana, or Karen.
Oh, no, wait. That's my mom's name.
- Why did I say my mom's name? - Ugh.
The sight of another man inside her makes me sick.
Yeah. I dislike this conversation very much.
Treat her gently!
You know that's not a nice car, right?
Say that again.
Damn, Cap. Be cool.
Say that again.
That's what I thought.
I'll be in the venue.
- Come on, Boyle. - What's this about?
Look, if you're leading me to some sort
of big surprise apology where everyone's there
and you all want me to join your stupid text chains,
I am 100% in.
These last 24 hours have just been hell.
Oh, it's just my former lover. Hello, sister.
Ugh, I hate when you say those things back-to-back.
- Here. - You took my phone?
Yeah. I had to delete your GIF keyboard
and your three "Property Brothers" emoji apps.
Wait. Did you delete them because...
Yeah. You're on the office text chain.
Are you serious? This is amazing.
Yeah, well I was totally against it,
but Amy felt bad because you seemed so pathetic.
- Don't say that. - It worked!
I mean, your little camp story.
Was the saddest childhood memory I've ever heard,
and I've listened to Amy talking about attending
"the crossing guard's jamboree."
That was fun! We were directing traffic
in the hotel hallways.
People were freaking out.
Mm-hmm. Just don't make us regret this.
I won't. I swear I won't.
I gotta tell my dad.
I know you weren't on board with this,
but look how happy we made him.
- And at no cost to our... - oh.
- And here it comes. - No.
- That was just one... - uh-oh.
I bet he's just getting it
- out of his system. - Oh, yeah.
I'm sure he'll be brief.
Apparently the Tsar of Russia gave that bejeweled egg
to his girlfriend as a present.
I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.
Well, I highly doubt our murderer is gonna show up here.
Doug Judy said he's be here, and I believe him.
Cap, got some hors d'oeuvres.
I don't know what you like, so I guessed:
the radishes they put on the side for decoration?
Mmm, thank you. Cut into a flower?
Where are we, Las Vegas?
Guys, look over there by the hallway.
See the woman in the red?
I think that's my brother's girlfriend, Fran.
I don't want her to recognize me.
Does she have a scar on her left cheek?
Maybe. What's the shape of the scar?
- Just a general slash shape. - Oh, darn.
I've been reading a lot of "Harry Potter" lately,
and I was hoping for something more fun.
Okay, I'll head towards her.
You go around back in case she makes a break for it.
She's on the move.
Excuse me, ma'am. Oh.
- No, please stop. - Freeze. NYPD.
- What's going on? - No scar. It's not Fran.
Then why was she running?
Because a strange guy started following me to the bathroom.
Right. Because men are horrible
and the world is a nightmare. Yeah.
- Oh, no. Where's Doug Judy? - Where we left him. Why?
Scarface Fran is a ruse.
He wanted us out of there so he can help his brother
steal the egg!
Check it out. Shot glasses of soup.
Oh, you wondering how I got the whole tray?
Charmed it right out of her
♪ hands ♪
You want some soup?
- This where you been all day? - Yep. Just looking for clues.
Trying to see how George Judy escaped.
- You're pretty sweaty. - Terry runs hot.
Terry runs hot.
You're trying to see if you can do that wall climb,
- aren't you? - Yeah.
And I can't. I'm old.
Because you can't parkour up a wall?
It's everything.
The TV's always too quiet.
I don't like how baggy basketball shorts are.
I even shook my fist at some skateboarders the other day.
- Oof. - And there's something worse.
Way, way worse.
Terry needs reading glasses.
- It's not that bad, Sarge. - Yes, it is!
I used to be "Batman."
Now I'm his dad.
His dumb, weak, getting shot at the opera dad.
Okay, auction over.
I can't believe you thought Doug Judy
was tricking us so he could steal the egg.
If anyone was stealing any eggs, it was you
'cause you have egg all over your face.
Is that why you've been so quiet these last four minutes?
- You had to think of that? - Mm-hmm. Was it worth it?
- Hell, yeah. - Ah, venomous burn.
Suck out the poison.
Wow.
He may not have been pulling something back there,
but both of you were wrong about George Judy.
He never showed. We wasted a day,
and if anyone has egg on their faces, it's you two.
Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.
That's actually kind of a dope name.
What's going on out there?
Hey, Jake Peralta, NYPD. What happened here?
Somebody knocked out the valet, stole all the cars.
- Every single one. - So George was here.
He wasn't after the egg, he was after the cars.
Well, looks like Doug Judy was right after all, huh, Captain?
Why aren't you saying anything?
Is it because you're so embarrassed for being wrong?
Gertie!
♪ What a big bomb, the Captain's car is gone ♪
Shut up! Shut up!
****
I don't get it. Why would George Judy
steal all these cars and not the egg?
Easier to sell if you're in a hurry.
Plus these are some valuable vehicles.
- Bugatti, Ferrari... - Gertie.
I don't think Gertie was a prime target, sir.
Do you know how much custom work there was on her?
I disabled the FM function from the radio.
The guy said, "Oh, you can just not use it,"
but I said, "Ugh, I'll always know it's there."
Boom. Shelby Cobra 427SC.
That's a million dollars on four wheels, baby.
That's what George is after.
How do we even know George did it?
I mean, nobody saw him.
But there was a prolific car thief at the scene of the crime.
You talking about me? I'm a cop now.
- No, you're not. - Then why do I have a badge
and a gun?
The thin blue line just got thick as hell.
- Give me that! - Come on, Judy.
It's not loaded.
Look, if I was gonna jack a bunch of cars,
I would bring two of New York's best detectives with me
to the scene of the crime.
- Aww, you think we're the best? - Flattery won't work on us.
- What? - This is nonsense.
- You're off the case. - Whoa, whoa, sir. Come on.
We're chasing a murderer.
A murderer that just stole a ton of cars.
Who knows more about that world than Doug Judy?
Plus remember, he doesn't get immunity
unless he helps us bring his brother in.
I know, but...
Do you want to get back Gertie or not?
- Fine. He's still on the case. - Ah!
♪ The Pontiac Bandit and Jake are cops ♪
♪ With their wise-cracking Captain along for the ride ♪
♪ They'll have adventures wherever they go ♪
♪ The talking dog flies in outer space ♪
♪ Arf, arf, arf, fly, fly, fly, fly dog ♪
- ♪ Arf, arf, arf ♪ - BOTH: ♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly dog ♪
♪ Arf, arf, arf, fly, fly, fly, fly dog ♪
Okay, Charles, I was you on this text chain.
I really do, but since you joined yesterday,
you have sent 71 texts.
The rest of the group collectively has sent two.
You know, honestly, I'd rather get hit by a bus
than get one more text from you, Charles.
Fine. I've been kicked out of things before.
At camp, I found a slam book
that the lunch ladies had written about me.
I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no story
sad enough to save you now.
Challenge accepted.
Once, as a tween, I got my penis entirely...
Okay, stop! No, no, no, no, no.
Our plan was just to teach you to text better.
You know, a lot of people like the way I text.
Look, if you can't accept me for who I am,
- then I don't need this chain. - Okay, great.
No, no, no, I need to be included so badly.
I'll do whatever you say. I literally have zero pride.
And that's what I like to hear.
Oh, Charles.
Okay, so you guys are rich Europeans
looking to buy a Shelby. I'll make the introductions.
Wait, we can't just be Europeans.
- What country are we from? - What languages do you speak?
French, Spanish, some Portuguese.
Obviously Greek, enough Flemish to get by.
Tight. What about you, Peralta?
Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent.
"You think you could milk me?"
So you're just doing De Niro from "Meet the Parents?"
I don't know, am I?
- That's a terrible De Niro. - I don't know.
- This is De Niro. - I think it's pretty good.
- Mine's better. - It's pretty good.
- We'll just make you American. - Okay.
- Griff. - Hey, Doug Judy.
- Hey. - What can I do for you?
Hey, did my brother stop by?
I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer.
This is Maxime Dubois, international millionaire.
- Bonjour. - He doesn't speak any English.
This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Hey, I'm a lawyer.
Maxine wants to buy a Shelby Cobra.
I hear George might have one.
He just dropped off a few cars,
but he didn't say anything about no Cobra.
I mostly deal with scrap and crap, you know?
Son of a bitch.
Hey, hey, is everything all right here, Maxime?
You're speaking good English.
Eh, just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such.
He's disappointed. He really wanted that Cobra.
You know the French, so passionate,
even their skunks. Pepé Le Pew.
It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer. No further comments.
Do you know where George is?
Maybe I can do business with him myself.
- Gertie! - What?
Uh, that was French for...
"I gotta make a phone call."
He's gotta make a phone call.
Frenchmens...
You can't bring them anywhere.
So if George went over that wall,
he would have been caught on a security camera across...
- Whatcha eating there, Sarge? - Cream of Wheat.
It's easy to chew, and it keeps you regular.
It's a favorite dish of the elderly.
Stop freaking out about this.
Yeah, yeah, I know. "I'm young at heart."
No, you are super old at heart.
You always have been. You love yogurt.
You volunteer at your polling place.
You refuse to deposit your checks at an ATM.
It's a machine. I don't trust it.
I get what you're saying,
but at least I used to be a prime physical specimen.
Dude, you have, like, 1% body fat.
Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat.
I'm a fat, bald old man.
- You shave your head. - Yeah, Rosa.
Vin Diesel and I shave our heads
because we think it looks good.
Okay, you obviously want to sit here
feeling sorry for yourself, but we have work to do.
So, I don't know, why don't I get you a wheelchair
- and a box of diapers. - The wheelchair!
That's how he escaped. He dressed up like an old lady.
That orderly is pushing him out.
He did have an accomplice.
I'm gonna find this bastard.
I don't need this anymore.
I should take my jacket, though.
I mean, it's January. I ain't crazy.
Oh, Gertie.
Psst. George is here.
- He's out back. - Let's go. Right now.
NYPD, don't move!
Crap, he's getting away!
All right.
We can run right through it. These suits are fire-resistant.
These suits are not fire-resistant.
They're not? Then why are they so expensive?
Bye, Peralta.
No! Judy!
Both Judys! Judys!
****
Oh, I can't believe this!
I really thought I could trust Doug Judy this time.
I kept telling you not to, but you wouldn't listen.
You were too busy singing your songs
and planning trips to Niagara Falls.
We just said neither of us had ever been.
There were no hard plans.
Look, it's humiliating.
Doug Judy thought he could manipulate me, and he could.
I feel like I'm a terrible cop.
Wow, I really thought you were going to chime in
with something supportive there.
We have to go.
Captain?
Okay, Charles. This is your final exam.
We're gonna show you a text
and then two potential responses.
You need to tell us which is more appropriate.
Amy writes, "Leaving the virgin festival..."
- Gina... - "Be there in ten minutes."
Do you reply,
"I'll be counting down the seconds.
"600, 599, 598, JK, LOL,
"597, 596, smiley face, smiley face,
cat smiley, thumbs up."
Or, "Okay."
It's a trick question. The text requires no response.
Charles Boyle, welcome back to the Nine-Nine text chain.
Yes! We should call it the Nine-Nine party line
- I'll rename the thread. - Charles.
Sorry. I'll be better. I'll be better.
There's the car. How'd you know they'd be here?
Detective's intuition.
Okay, fine. We went to Dave and Buster's together
and got separated, so we turned on Find My Friends.
The stairs are in the back.
Looking for us?
Put your guns down, turn around slowly.
What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends.
I don't know why you thought that.
'Cause you kept saying we were.
We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls.
So, bro, you friends with this cop?
Nah. This thirsty-ass bitch
is just desperate for attention.
Thirsty-ass bitch?
Okay, Captain, now I know you're going to step in and defend me.
Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.
Oh, my God. This is the worst day of my life.
- Where's Charles? - So, if you're not friends,
you won't mind if I waste him, right?
Of course he minds. I mean, sure, we're enemies,
but in, like, a playful way, like Tom and Jerry.
Oh, my God. Was Tom trying to eat Jerry?
- My whole life is a lie. - Shoot him.
No, no, no. Those can't be my last words.
Uh, ay caramba.
What the hell?
Whoops. Looks like somebody forgot to put bullets
- in his brother's gun. - Aha!
I knew you didn't betray me.
I said that accusatorily, but I'm very happy.
♪ Doug Judy and Peralta and Captain on the case ♪
♪ Joke's on you, they was always friends ♪
♪ Now I'ma get my immunity ♪
♪ The ghost of the talking dog haunts the precinct ♪
- The talking dog died. - Aww, man.
I know; it was a bummer note to end on.
- You got our orderly. - Turns out he really didn't
work at the hospital,
but he left his print behind
in the room where he stole the scrubs.
It didn't take long to track him down.
Whoa. With that and the wheelchair,
that's some pretty nice police work, Sarge.
I know.
You know, my muscles might not be as strong
as when I was young, but one's stronger:
my big, beefy brain.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to process...
David Willis.
Aww, you got a little necklace for your glasses.
I had to. I almost lost them last night during "Wheel."
Hey, Rosa. Have a hard candy.
Terry is embracing his age.
I just got off the phone with the DA.
And for aiding in the capture of George Judy,
you have officially been granted immunity
from all your past crimes.
- So I'm a free man? - Mm.
Nope, still smells the same.
I'm sorry that I doubted you,
but you did drive off with the guy that we were chasing.
Had to. I saw he was about to get away,
so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side.
It's crazy how good I am at your job.
Look, I owe you both an apology.
Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty.
And, Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.
Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.
Fine. You're a good cop...
even if you are a thirst-ass bitch.
Wow. Okay.
Solved a pretty intense murder, and just crap all over me.
Hey, Captain, got you a little something-something.
- Gertie? - Nope.
But she is the exact same make, model, and color.
Oh, my God, you stole this.
- I can't be driving a stolen... - Relax, man.
I bought it at a used car lot for, like, $600.
- This is not a nice vehicle. - Yeah, it's not.
And by the way, her name's not Gertie.
It's Sexarella.
Hello, Sexarella.
So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?
I'm turning over a new leaf.
Gonna live that honest life.
Maybe open up a bakery,
buy a little house, invest in my retirement.
You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately,
- aren't you? - That's very much on the table.
- Yeah. - And when you do...
- I'll be there to stop you. - No, you won't.
- Yes, I will. - No, you won't.
- Yes, I will. - I'm gonna miss you, man.
- I'm gonna miss you, brother. - Good-bye, little Fievel.
Good-bye, Papa.
- Cool. All right, peace out. - Uh-huh.
- It was good to see you. - Good to see you, man.
Hey, you guys, I thought of a funny response
to Terry's text from earlier.
Would you mind taking a look before I hit send?
Charles, you've trained for this moment, okay?
We trust you. Just send it.
Come here. Good job.
- All right, I'm gonna do it. - Mm-hmm.
Way to go, Cha...
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com