[pig grunting]
Andy.
Not in the mood.
Stop--
[whimpers]
[groans]
[toy playing music]
Hey, Mom!
- I'm hungry. - Where's Daddy?
Andy? Andy?
Hey. Wake up.
Wh-what happened?
I have no idea.
[rock music]
♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪ == Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com ==
♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪ == Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com ==
We-we must have been robbed.
This isn't ours.
We must have robbed someone else.
I feel like a rat is gnawing its way out of my skull.
[groans] How much did we drink?
Like Keith Richards threw Hemingway a bachelor party.
Just the two of us?
It's a miracle we're alive.
Our friends helped.
What friends?
[doorbell rings]
I'll tidy up.
Go Jill. Go Jill.
Go, go, go Jill.
[laughing]
How are you feeling this morning?
Uh... not good.
God, you and Andy are legends.
I mean, you guys were still going hard when we crashed.
Right. When was that?
Uh, 4:00 a.m.
Right around the time you guys started
crank-calling the White House.
It was off the chain.
Can I just tell you something?
Talking with you last night was like medicine.
I have girlfriends of 20 years I don't connect with like that.
Do you think that we could keep some of that stuff between us?
You know, in particular,
the story I told you about me and my IUD at the Met.
So embarrassing.
- That won't be a problem. - Great.
Our brunch date is about to commence,
so I will see you over at our apartment--
4-G, in case you forgot.
[sighs]
Good morning, Boo.
Too ethnic.
Pumpkin?
Too round.
Brookie Bear.
[giggles] That's more like it.
Oh, I missed this.
Me too.
Listen, Brookie Bear,
about what happened, I just want to say--
Shh. Let's not pick that scab.
What did I do to deserve you?
Wait!
We haven't made it official yet.
Uh, I seem to remember making it official
2 1/2 times last night.
No, official-official.
[camera clicks]
God, we're good-looking.
Let's see... #SoHappy.
#NeverMorelnLove.
#PowerCouple. #LoveConquersAll.
#WereBackBitches.
Post.
Oh, no.
Lex, the Wi-Fi must be down.
Cell service too.
Don't move.
Hello, front desk?
Can you tell me what's going on
with the Wi-Fi and cell phone service?
We need to send an extremely important Instagram.
Down throughout the building?
Dear God.
We're completely cut off from the outside world.
Carlton! Carlton, who's that?
Oh, that was Mrs. Crisp. 12-C.
Oh, yes.
The Lord finally put her out of her long misery.
Yes, and us out of ours.
Go on.
Oh, nothing, ma'am. It's just...
when your husband's the guy who invented non-dairy creamer,
seems like at Christmas, you can afford to tip
more than a $20 Best Buy gift card.
Oh, yes. Yes, her husband.
Oh, that poor man must be devastated right now.
Yes.
Who was that woman,
and why are we going to her house for brunch?
She definitely lives in the building.
I think she's married to that super tall, bald guy.
The guy who looks like the animatronic Halloween butler?
No, no--he's married
to the freckly lady with the red braids.
Old Pippi Longstocking.
I thought old Pippi was a widow.
Used to be married to Asian Al Roker.
Wait, he died? Oh, no!
- I loved Asian Al Roker. - Meredith.
Her name is Meredith. She's married to Brad.
The kids weren't drunk.
Okay, kids, this is important.
For reasons that you are too young to understand,
your mom and I can't remember
some things that happened last night.
- You were wasted? - Okay.
Where did you learn that word?
Mom kept saying it over and over.
"I'm so wasted. I'm so wasted."
As in I'm so tired.
Like, more tired than you guys have ever been.
Which is why we need you to tell us
everything that happened last night.
I brushed my teeth for two minutes
and didn't swallow any toothpaste.
That's great, Miles, but that's not what we mean.
Can I go to a new camp next summer?
Kids! Focus! Last night!
You ran out of wine, and you went to get more,
and when you came back, we had new best friends.
God, I needed this.
No offense to that therapist,
but she ain't got nothin' on Dr. Cabernet.
So what if Miles is a little pain in the ass?
What kid isn't?
If he were a little cuter, they'd call him precocious.
Totally.
I was beginning to feel like we were a family of nutjobs.
Hey, let's make a pact-- at least for tonight,
we forget all about it.
Deal.
[sighs]
Voila.
Boo.
Open another. That's our last bottle.
What? Oh, no, no.
We're not going through a blizzard with no wine.
We've gotta get some; there's gotta be some in the building.
I'm going door to door.
We are profoundly bad parents.
Can Alice and Fanny sleep over again tonight?
Who the hell are Alice and Fanny?
[phone ringing]
The landline.
Hello?
Hey, me again.
Also, could you guys bring some maple syrup?
Fanny says we're out, and believe me, she'd know.
She drinks it. All right, thanks.
Guys, I think
we had a one-night stand with that family.
- Whoo! - There they go.
So, I mean, would I ever do that?
- Never. - Right.
It's like that thing you said about elephant seals.
- Mm. - That was so great.
Oh! Vermont!
How fitting!
We thought you'd appreciate that.
- Vermont. What a state. - Isn't it amazing?
All of us living in the same building for so long
- and we never met? - It actually seems impossible.
- It's a shame. - Incredible.
And to think that you and I were both going through
those miscarriages at the same time.
We could have gone through that together.
Right.
Do you guys smell something?
There's--agh! Fire!
- Get the zapper. - I'm on it.
[shrieking]
[whooshing]
- Holy shit. - Owen.
- Owen!
Come out from there.
[whooshing]
Hand 'em over.
Now apologize to Jill.
I'm sorry I lit you on fire.
That's... okay.
Go play.
I'm so sorry.
He only does that to people he likes,
for what it's worth.
I'm mortified.
Hey, every kid's got something.
Totally--we've had endless trouble with Miles this year.
We know.
That therapist you were telling us about
sounds terrible.
Yeah, don't take this the wrong way,
but Mere and I were just saying what a relief it was
to hear we weren't the only ones.
Sometimes, we feel like we're a family of crazies, you know?
- Yes. - You are not crazy.
And by the way, a six-year-old lighting matches?
Talk about fine motor skills.
One way to look at it. [laughing]
Can I just say, these waffles are ridic.
- So good. - Thank you.
It's my mom's recipe.
The secret ingredient is I opened a box of Bisquick.
[laughter]
Andy, we found people who actually chow
- right in our building! - Yeah!
Can we get together every weekend and eat our feelings?
- Yeah! - Yes, I'm so in!
I love eating my feelings.
Mrs. Von Weber, What a lovely surprise.
Oh, Timberly, you poor dear.
It's just awful. I can't believe she's gone.
Were you and Eloise close?
No, not at all.
But I do know what it's like
to be suddenly all alone in a triplex.
Might you care for some company?
Some... companionship?
I must be the luckiest widower in the world.
Thelma! Phoebe.
Come, join the party.
[ice cubes rattling]
Room service, please.
For the lady, a Pellegrino with a wedge of Meyer lemon.
- You remembered. - And for me--
I'm sorry, what?
I see. Bye, then.
What happened?
The snow--none of the workers can get in.
[scoffs] I thought they lived here.
Room service is unavailable, but we are--get this--
welcome to come get it ourselves.
- What does that even mean? - I don't know.
Take the elevator and push the big cart?
This storm is turning into a living nightmare.
[sighs]
Nothing but simple carbs.
- I'd rather starve than get fat. - Calm down!
Shit's getting real, but we'll get through this.
Don't tell me to calm down!
I am never gonna get my Meyer lemon water.
I'll figure something out, Brooke.
Have I ever let you down?
[scoffs] I can think of one time.
Okay, I thought were were letting go of the past
and taking ownership of what happened.
- Oh, so it was my fault! - That's not what I said.
But it didn't happen in a vacuum.
Don't do something you're gonna regret.
Brooke--
This isn't you, Brooke.
[shuddery breath]
Yeah, I mean, every morning, at least one of them is in tears
because Daddy's taking them to school and not me.
It's a stake through Andy's heart.
I know, it's the same for Brad, and I just tell him,
- "Don't worry, it's a phase." - Exactly.
But just once, I'd like one of them to say,
"I want Daddy to wipe me."
I know, you know, but...
I secretly love being the favorite.
When Fanny was three, she was such a daddy's girl--
it was like they were lovers.
And I admit it-- I was jealous.
So I turned her against him.
Sorry-- how?
Little things at first,
like have him take her to get her shots
and accidentally tell him the wrong pick-up time,
and then I finally just said,
"Listen, honey, Daddy loves Owen more."
It took about a year.
It's been rough, honestly.
At work, all you have is one person to worry about.
At home, I'm fourth or fifth on the list.
So true; it's no fun
being out of work, even for a couple months.
Well, I'm technically not out of work.
Brad, honey, it's not a couple months, it's 6 1/2.
Thank you for keeping such close track, dear.
Here's a wild idea: why don't you go back to work?
She used to be a copy editor, back in the day.
I was, but I made the selfish choice
of staying home to raise our children, so my bad!
Forgive me!
At least I get out of my sweatpants
more than once a week.
This is, like,
the most dressed-up you will ever see him.
Yeah, well, I don't know who she's dressing up for.
Not you--I get more sexual energy off the fruit vendor.
Well, good--why don't you let him hunker down
with your eight hours of night gas, then?
I just have a question about that garlic spray.
Is that something you cook with?
- Oh. No. - No. No, no, no.
This is something you spray on your kid's scalps.
It's supposed to prevent lice. I think it's bullshit.
Yeah, well, so is lice.
I mean, people act like it is just the most devastating
apocalypse on the planet.
I had a girlfriend who spent thousands of dollars
de-lousing her kids, fumigating her house,
throwing out the brushes and the hats and the blabbity-blah--
It's like, who cares? It's lice!
[laughs]
But your kids don't have lice now, right?
No, they did-- well--
Fanny has eggs in her scalp.
She got sent home from school with, like, a neon-green note,
like she was radioactive.
So what'd you-- what'd you do about it?
Oh, you know, these things work themselves out.
- Lice aren't killing people. - He's exaggerating.
We bought the shampoo and we're gonna use it.
We just haven't had a minute.
Okay, um, look at the time!
We have totally overstayed our welcome.
Kids! Kids!
- Kids! Thank you so much. - What about our bloody marys?
Take that off. Take those off.
[all shouting] Say thank you!
- Thank you for having us. - Okay.
We'll be in touch with you about the house!
House?
What house?
Okay, here we go.
"If you've come into contact with contaminated hair"--
Okay, kids, I want you to take off all your clothes
and chuck them in the dryer now!
Here it is. The booking confirmation.
Winter cottage rental in Burlington, Vermont.
Vermont! That's why the syrup!
What have we done? We just met these people,
and we agreed to a three-month house-share?
And she was wearing my socks.
What if I have body lice?
We have to break up with them.
How? They live in the building.
- We'll move. - What?
Sell the apartment and move far, far away.
It's the only way out of this!
What if we tell them we just found out
your mother is coming to visit and we can't leave her alone?
That's so dumb, it's insulting.
We have to do something! We hooked up with nutjobs!
I've done a lot of growing, you know.
Me too. I've grown a ton.
I've changed.
I think I've changed more.
I'm a completely different person.
Okay, fine. We've both evolved equally.
So what do we do about it?
In my now-extensive business experience,
I've found it's beneficial
to set expectations in advance in writing.
You want to draw up a contract?
No. A vision board.
Let's put it all up here.
All our hopes, dreams,
prospective vacation destinations.
Should you be drawing on the wall in Sharpie?
I'll start.
My fondest wish for this relationship
is that you never betray my trust.
Or what remains of it.
This is what I'm talking about.
If we're going to have a future together,
you have to find a way to forgive me.
I have forgiven you.
And now all I ask is the right to lord it over you
for the rest of your life.
I can't do this.
Where are you going?
For a walk in the snow.
It's gotta be warmer out there.
[exhales angrily]
Jesus, it's the Superdome in here.
Hey, Vaness, we need your advice.
We had a one-night stand with this family
and we need to cut it off.
- What? - You've dumped tons of guys.
What do we do?
Okay, has there been any contact since?
Yes, and we traded clothes,
and we're doing a house-share with them.
[laughs]
Wow! You guys are easy.
How 'bout you say you're not ready for anything serious,
you'd rather stay friends.
No, we need to kill this dead.
I never want to see these people again.
And one more.
To our dear friend, Timberly.
Really, Candace, haven't you quite had enough?
If you can't keep up,
grab a couch like the other one, sister.
What a treat this has been,
in the company of such elegant beauties.
Yes, though it is funny.
Where I come from, we don't put on our big jewelry until 8:00.
Oh, darling, whoever said this was my big jewelry?
Bottom's up.
[glass shatters]
And then there was Candace.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey! - Hey! Hi!
Us again. Um... so listen.
Jill and I have been talking about the Vermont house
and so want to do it, but the truth is--
is my back and skiing do not mix.
- We're talking traction. - No worries!
That's why we sprung for the house with the hot tub.
Well, also the traffic.
You know, Vermont sounds fun in theory,
but after five hours on the road...
Don't worry, JetBlue just added
service to Burlington for 90 bucks.
- You can't beat it. - It'll be cramped.
- Six bedrooms. - What if there's no snow?
- Then we'll hike! - Here's the thing, okay?
We moved too fast; we live too close.
We're afraid this won't end well.
It's nothing personal.
But lice is disguitious!
We've had it, it sucks, but it's not a pulled muscle
that just works itself out.
You have to deal with it!
- Oh. - Wow.
We just thought you guys were cooler about things.
Ding! Ding!
Oh, excuse me. I just received an email.
Oh, it's my mother. She's visiting this winter.
We can't go to Vermont anyway, so...
Oh, yeah, too bad. I guess it's not gonna work out.
We'll see you around, yeah?
- See you later. - Toodles.
[door opens]
Who is it?
I've got the activity binder, and I know how to use it!
Lex.
Thank God you're alive.
What is that? Some kind of non-Meyer lemon?
I think they call it a... lemon.
[chuckles]
You came through for me.
That's all that matters.
Everything else, we can work through or ignore.
Wait, wait. Has there been a maid in here?
No, I did it. All by myself.
See how much I've changed?
Come here, you.
Did you hear that?
- What? - A noise downstairs.
- [laughs] - I'll suss it out.
Oh, yes.
Yes, you go suss it out.
[laughing]
Yeah, you suss out-- [gasps]
[moaning and panting]
- [snoring] - Timberly?
Timberly?
Oh, Jesus, God.
Oh...
Yeah, okay.
Oh, that's... mm-hmm, that's just fine.
[exhales]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
Oh, you just keep snoring, honey.
Just keep snoring away.
[gasps] Ooh, good boy.
I think we've learned a valuable lesson.
Don't talk to neighbors.
I am never drinking again.
Never.
Want some wine?
Little bit.
So babe, I've been thinking,
it may not be the worst thing in the world if you...
I went back to work early?
I already emailed the board.
[both giggle]
We miss you already.
[doorbell rings]
[sighs] What do you want, Jill?
Hi, sorry to bother you.
I just wanted to return your pig.
[pig grunts]
Yeah, but that's not our pig.
For more "Odd Mom Out," go to bravotv.com.
[seagull squawking] Oh, dear. == Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com ==
Left, right, left, right, left, right! == Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com ==