大家字幕組
翻譯：凱莉 小雨 阿竹 翻譯：好麗友 亭子 碧哥
軸：Jereau 壓制：冰島 校對：蘋果酒
副總統 第五季 第十集 (季終)
邁克! 邁克! 邁克! Mike! Mike! Mike!
上午 9:02
距參議院投票還有1天
國會票選平局次日晨
總統會對國會投票這一事 Mike, will the president
發表聲明嗎? be making a statement about the House vote?
不 總統現在不會對此事發表聲明 No, the president will not be making a statement at this time.
即使她對結果表示失望 While she was disappointed in the result,
她仍然很欣慰我國有如此健全有力的民主選舉 she was thrilled to watch democracy in action.
這種事在俄羅斯可不會發生 I mean, the chances of this happening in Russia, nyet.
如果湯姆·詹姆斯勝過蒙特茲議員 Mike, if Tom James wins against Senator Montez
成為了總統的話 in the Senate and becomes president,
總統梅耶會考慮... will President Meyer consider...
我得打斷你 Okay, let me cut you off right there.
賽琳娜·梅耶不會考慮再做副總統 Selina Meyer is not interested in becoming vice president again.
這份職務不在她的考慮范圍之內 That job is in her rearview mirror.
我以我的名聲起誓 I stake my reputation on this.
賽琳娜·梅耶永遠不會再做副總統 Selina Meyer will never be vice president ever, ever again.
湯姆 直說吧 So, Tom, let's be real.
上午 9:23
距參議員投票還有1天
湯姆 詹姆斯辦公室
你很可能成為意外總統[副總統因總統遭彈劾/辭職/死亡而接替總統] You're gonna be an accidental president.
禿子笑和尚[瑟琳娜也是意外總統] Pot, kettle.
為了盡可能順利地 I'm here to offer my help
度過這個權利轉換的過程 in making this transition of power
我來貢獻我自己的力量 as smooth as possible
加入你的內閣 by joining your administration.
奇怪啊 我也這么想 Well, strangely enough, I was thinking along the same lines.
太棒了 我告訴你我要什么 Okay, fantastic. I'll tell you what I want.
國務卿 I want secretary of state
至少這樣吧 'cause I think that's the least you can do.
我想的是副總統 I was thinking vice president.
這真的是最低要求了 That's literally the least you can do.
我就想要國務卿 And I really want secretary of state.
- 副總統 - 就國務卿吧 - Vice president. - Come on, secretary of state.
副總統賽琳娜·梅耶多耳熟能詳啊 Vice President Meyer's got a nice familiar ring to it.
才沒有 No, it doesn't.
副總統 不要就算了 Vice president, take it or leave it.
就算是你就職典禮前面的山坡上 I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll
長滿像朱迪·福斯特粉絲一樣的殺手小天使 full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row
朱迪 福斯特一粉絲曾試圖刺殺里根總統以取得偶像注意
我都不會做你副總統 at your inauguration.
那就算了 That's a leave it.
我寧愿讓喬治·華盛頓從墓里爬出來 General George Washington could climb
我每天舔他爛掉的木頭屁眼兩次 out of his grave right now and I would rather eat out
也不愿意做湯姆的狗屁副總統 his zombified wooden asshole twice a day
什么狗屁位置我都不要 than be his vice fucking-- fucking anything!
那副總統這條路就先放放 Okay, let's put a pin in the VP for now.
- 逗我呢? - 早上好 女士 - Seriously? - Morning, ma'am.
叫醒邁克 或者算了 反正醒不醒都一樣 Will somebody wake up Mike? Or not. What's the difference?
女士 昨晚我做了一個總統政績的統計 Ma'am, last night I ran a flash poll on presidential scholars.
你被評為第四十三位最杰出的總統 They have rated you the 43rd most effective president ever.
- 總共有多少位? - 四十四 - Out of how many? - Kent: 44.
您排在詹姆斯·布坎南前面 You were right ahead of James Buchanan,
他因引發了內戰受人詬病 who many feel caused the Civil War.
肯特 下次你決定從菊花進來的時候 Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time
給人家個提醒先吧? before you jam it in the back door?
數據不做提醒的 女士 Data gives no warning, ma'am.
馬喬里和凱瑟琳有可能結婚嗎? Any chance Marjorie and Catherine want to get married?
看吧 第一場白宮女同性戀婚禮 There you go, first White House lesbian wedding.
這會讓你載入史冊的 That'll get you in the history books.
我受不了木吉他的聲音了[偏見認為蕾絲邊大多彈吉他] Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.
我們還是要 What we have to do
解放西藏 is we have to make Tibet happen.
這才能成就我的輝煌 That's what's gonna be my legacy.
賽琳娜·梅耶 解放了西藏的女人 Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet.
女士 我們已經兩個星期 Ma'am, we've been in radio
沒有和中方進行通話了 silence with the Chinese for the last two weeks.
我們干嘛不能直接 Well, then why don't we
塞幾艘戰艦到中國南邊那堆海里去? send warships out into the South China Seas?
- 就叫南海 - 我要我的諾貝爾和平獎! - Sea. - I want my Nobel Peace Prize!
我的輝煌! Legacy!
輝煌的會議結束了 Legacy meeting adjourned.
上帝 我的電話要被電視臺的邀約給撐炸了 God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers.
我覺得我需要一個經紀人 Think I'm gonna need an agent, you know,
重新打造一個更加高端的丹·伊根品牌 someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.
戈培爾自殺了真是可惜[納粹德國宣傳部長] Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
我是從羅斯福以來 The only president
第二個坐著小編的總統[羅斯福長期依賴輪椅] to pee sitting down since FDR.
這他媽就算我最大的業績了 是不是 Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben? Is it?
我尿多的時候也坐著小便 Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.
我們必須要把西藏這事搞定 Okay, we've got to make Tibet happen.
通過卡塔爾人去協商 好嗎? Go through the Qataris, okay?
我相信現在肯定有一堆卡塔爾人 I bet there are a dozen of
在喬治城的四季酒店里 them right now at the Georgetown Four Seasons.
或者去蘭博基尼店里找找 Go to a Lamborghini dealership, you know?
或者有妓女的地方找 這些人估計知道路子 Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.
你的牛逼光榮榜我弄完了 I'm finished with your brag wall.
你和華盛頓精英們的合照都在這了 All the photos of you with the Washington elite.
有沒有總統不吼我的 Are there any pictures where the president isn't yelling at me?
我估計全宇宙 As far as I can tell,
都找不出一張了 no such picture exists in the known universe.
我們得招進來幾個養眼的 Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here.
雇幾個性感實習生 You know, hire some hot interns.
杰夫舅舅從新罕布什爾送來了一堆簡歷 Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire.
有一個是一張酒吧餐巾紙上寫著個號碼 One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.
不 新罕布什爾州都是那種 No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "It's cold outside,
- "外邊冷 所以我沒刮陰毛"的女人 - 我記下來了 - so I don't shave my pubes." - I'm writing that down.
- 重點從天氣暖和的州招人好嗎? - 議員先生... - Focus on the warm-weather states, okay? - Congressman...
我有種預感 你將要成就一番偉業 I have a feeling you're gonna do some really great things.
我有點餓了 你能馬上找個說客 I'm getting kind of hungry. Do you think you could find
請我吃個午飯嗎? a lobbyist to take me out to lunch short notice?
找大型制藥公司 他們建了棕櫚島度假中心 Try for Big Pharma. I hear they do The Palm.
總統女士 不得不說 Madam President, I'm afraid to tell you
上午 8:37
與阿里 賈法爾大使會面
參議院投票日
現在您已不再掌權 that the Chinese are rather nervous about moving forward
恐怕中國人無意進一步與您就西藏問題進行洽談 with Tibet now that you're out of power.
我沒有不掌權... 根本沒有 I am not out of power and... at all.
還沒有正式宣布 This has not, in fact, been formally announced yet,
但我會繼續在職... but I will be continuing on...
...作為 ...as
作為副總統 as vice president.
湯姆·詹姆斯昨天提供的職位 Tom James offered it yesterday.
其實更像是并列總統 It's really more of a copresident position.
- 是不是 本? - 當然 - Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben? - Sure.
而且只跟你一個人講 And between you and me,
湯姆·詹姆斯不太健康 Tom James could be healthier, I have to say.
- 真的? - 是的 他有點 你懂的... - Oh? - Yeah, he's a bit of a, you know...
我猜這對中國肯定大有益處 Well, I suspect this will be of great interest to the Chinese.
太棒了 非常感謝 謝謝你 Great. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you.
對了 不能碰觸女士 Oh, right, no touchy the ladies.
不不 沒關系 這是私人事宜 Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private.
別讓我們國家那些瘋子知道就行 Just don't let the lunatics back home know.
快點 本 我們走吧 All right, come on, Ben, let's go.
- 好的 女士 - 這簡直要完 - Yes, ma'am. - This is gonna suck.
等下 我得先去個地方 Hang on, I need to make a stop.
- 總統女士 - 副總統在里面嗎? - Madam President. - Is the vice president in?
不 他在參議院投票 No, he's at the Senate for the vote.
好吧 我可以的 Okay, I can do this.
- 賽琳娜·梅耶 見到你真愉快 - 湯姆 - Selina Meyer. What a delight. - Tom.
我有好消息 Um, I've got good news.
- 我已經決定... - 別 別說 - I have decided to... - No, don't tell me.
你已經決定分毫不剩地 You have decided to throw away
拋棄所有的尊嚴 every last shred of dignity you have
接受我給你的副總統一職嗎? and accept my offer of the vice presidency.
我... 我想是的 沒錯 I... I guess so, yeah.
聽你這樣說 我很高興 I'm delighted to hear it.
- 謝謝 - 別擔心 - Thank you. - I don't want you to worry.
你可不會是個普普通通的副總統 You are not just gonna be any vice president.
你將成為我的搭檔... You're gonna be a partner...
還是我內閣中不可或缺的一份子 and a very important part of my administration.
- 我操你媽的 - 不 我講正經的 - You're a motherfucker. - No, I'm serious. I'm serious.
你將成為... 你會是我們團隊的一份子 You're gonna be... you know, you're gonna be part of the team.
- 你有資格出席每一場會議 - 好的 - You're gonna be at every meeting. - Okay.
這就像是一個晦氣的土撥鼠日 It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.
國家對你感激不盡 Your country thanks you.
國會議員 喬納 瑞安辦公室
雷伯恩大樓 新罕布什爾州
瑞安國會議員辦公室 Congressman Ryan's office.
- 瑞安國會議員辦公室 - 你好 - Congressman Ryan's office. - Hello.
- 先生 早上好 - 早上好 - Morning, sir. - Morning.
- 早上好 先生 - 瑞安國會議員辦公室 - Morning, sir. - Congressman Ryan's office.
理查德 這些是誰? Richard, who are these dudes?
- 新的實習生 - 什么? - Oh, these are the new interns. - What?
那是柯爾特 弗吉尼亞大學畢業 玩過長曲棍球 That's Colt. He's from UVA. Played lacrosse.
理查德 我讓你招的是性感實習生 Richard, I told you to get hot interns.
先生 根據客觀標準 Sir, by any objective standards,
柯爾特 布蘭德和梅森都超級性感 無可非議啊 Colt, Brady, and Mason are unequivocally hot, not not.
性感實習生是指妹子 你他媽怎能能不懂這個? Hot interns means girls. How the fuck do you not know that?
先生 打擾一下 給您沖了一杯拿鐵 Excuse me, sir. I made you a latte.
謝謝 Uh, thank you.
這咖啡簡直太贊了 Mmm, oh, my God, this coffee is exceptional.
謝謝 Thanks.
- 我們能留下他嗎? - 當然可以 - Can we please keep him? - Yeah, absolutely.
嗨 柯爾特 歡迎加入瑞安團隊 Hey, Colt, welcome to team Ryan.
我希望你們習慣兩件事 I want you guys to get used to two things...
白天在國會山奮勇廝殺 killing it daily on the Hill
晚上還能精液四射 and nights rated PG-squirteen.
- 錢妹兩不誤 - 錢妹兩不誤 - Baller. - Baller.
副總統選舉馬上就要開始了 We are moments away from the Senate vote
參議院將在 for vice president between
湯姆·詹姆斯和勞拉·蒙特茲議員之間做出選擇 Senator Tom James and Senator Laura Montez.
詹姆斯VS蒙特茲 歷史性的投票
當然 由于總統一職空缺 And, of course, with the presidency vacant,
投票勝出的一方將成為總統 the winner of this vote will assume the presidency.
陸主席 我很欣慰 Well, President Lu, I'm very glad
我們能夠達成一致 that we've come to an agreement
我也對于能夠在接下來的 and I'm exceptionally glad
四年里繼續與您合作感到十分高興 that we're gonna have another four years of working together.
能夠同詹姆斯議員共事 President Lu is particularly
陸主席也非常高興 happy to work alongside Senator James.
他聽說他是個真正的政治家 He hears he's quite the statesman.
他湊合吧 當然這只是個玩笑 Statesman-ish, which is a joke, of course.
- 女士? - 怎么了? - Ma'am? - What?
得去看看參議院的情況了 We've got to see what's going on in the Senate right away.
你逗我吧 You're kidding.
不好意思 陸主席 Forgive me, President Lu,
恐怕我得離開去參加 but I'm afraid I have to go and attend to
我國參議院正在進行的選舉了 the vote that is happening right now in our Senate.
您可以在電視上 But feel free to follow along on the television
或通過你們安插在白宮各個角落里的 or perhaps on one of the many bugs
某個竊聽器上收看 請自便 that you've planted throughout the White House.
- 洛厄爾先生 - 詹姆斯議員 - Mr. Lowell. - Senator James.
蒙特茲
詹姆斯
我們情況怎么樣? Jesus Christ. What have we got?
形勢比我們想的嚴峻 女士 湯姆才領先了兩票 It's tighter than we thought, ma'am. Tom up by two.
- 什么? - 默里先生 - What? - Mr. Murray.
- 蒙特茲議員 - 一票了 - Senator Montez. - Up by one.
- 湯姆 這是怎么了? - 我不知道 我... - Tom, what's going on in here? - I don't know, I...
蒙特茲議員 Senator Montez.
- 操你媽的! - 納爾遜沒投給你? - You motherfucker! - Nelson voted against you?
但納爾遜是你的骨灰級支持者啊 伙計 But Nelson is your protégé, man.
快打電話給納爾遜... Get Nelson on the phone right...
- 這不可能啊 - 湯姆 他已經投過了 - this doesn't just happen. - Tom, he voted!
他們按名字順序來的 找個排他后面的 They're going alphabetically. Get somebody after him.
- 快電話聯系華萊士 - 聯系華萊士! - Get Wallace on the phone. - Get Wallace!
外面在傳你水軍詆毀門 I'm hearing something about your "Borking" Dunkirk.
- 啥? - 那個在巡回法院被提名的人 - What? - Yeah, on a circuit court nominee.
那都是... 那都是十年前的事了 That was... no. That was 10 years ago.
有人在搞我 Someone is trying to fuck me.
我投給湯姆·詹姆斯 Tom James.
薩默林 你這小便失禁的老家伙 太謝謝了 Thank you, Summerlin, you senile old piss sponge.
- 50比48了 - 再有一票就贏了 - 50-48. - Tom needs just one more.
現在各種關于選票交易的謠言滿天飛啊 Got all kinds of rumors about vote trading.
- 又不是我們交易的 - 媽的 華萊士要投給蒙特茲了 - It's not us. - Oh, fuck. Wallace is going Montez.
她到處跟別人說 She's telling people that
你拒絕了她凈化阿拉斯加海岸的提案 you reneged on her Alaskan coast cleanup bill.
我是在拉攏石油大亨啊 That was a handout to Big Oil.
總票數
蒙特茲
根據憲法第七修正案票選副總統
詹姆斯
- 華萊士夫人 - 我投給蒙特茲議員 - Mrs. Wallace. - Senator Montez.
50比49 蒙特茲肯定有幫手 50-49. This is not Montez. She's getting help.
- 尤里先生 - 給點力啊 你這個夏威夷墻頭草死胖子 - Mr. Yinui. - Come on, you page-diddling Hawaiian fat fuck.
根據憲法第七修正案票選副總統
詹姆斯
蒙特茲
總票數
我投給蒙特茲議員 Senator Montez.
- 50比50了 - 又平局了不要啊 - That's 50. - Not another tie.
- 所以現在是怎樣? - 參議院表決平局 - What now? - A tie in the Senate
則參議院議長獲得投票權 is broken by the president of the Senate.
也就是副總統 Or what we humans call the vice president.
太好了 你可以投給你自己 快去啊 Oh, my God, perfect. You can vote for yourself. Go, go, go, go.
- 湯姆不是副總統 總管大人 - 道爾才是 - Tom's not veep, you butler. - Doyle is vice president.
獲得投票權 Being called upon to cast this vote
是我的榮幸 這是一個光榮的任務 is a pleasure and an honor,
絕不是個負擔 not a burden.
我們的國家已經經歷了太多的不確定 There's been enough uncertainty in this country,
所以我不會再拖延 so I won't stall any further.
根據憲法第七修正案票選副總統
詹姆斯
蒙特茲
總票數
- 拜托 - 你丫的 有屁快放 - Please. - Come on, just spit it out.
我謹記這些 所以我投給勞拉·蒙特茲 With this in mind, I vote for Senator Laura Montez.
現已正式確定 It's official.
美利堅合眾國將迎來新一任總統 The United States of America has a new president.
對勞拉·蒙特茲來說 This is a truly stunning turn of events
這真是個極大的反轉 for Laura Montez.
現在你知道我的感受了 Now you know what it feels like.
我收到個消息 是道爾策劃了這整件事 I've got a source. Apparently Doyle masterminded the whole thing.
- 有謠言說他被許諾了國務卿的位置 - 國務卿 - Rumor has it he's getting secretary of state. - Secretary of state.
天啊 我恨這個國家 God, I hate this country.
我懂 I know.
你們這群狗日的 You fuckers.
膽子太大了 How dare you?
那個偉大的女人 That magnificent woman
對你們期望那么大 你們卻讓她失望了 counted on you and you losers let her down.
我得掛了 有好戲看 Yeah, I got to call you back. Something amazing is happening.
你們這些傻逼他媽的就只在乎你們自己 All you fucking cared about was your stupid, bad selves.
你那些數據... 那些數據就是垃圾 Your numbers... your numbers are garbage.
你那些演講稿 也是垃圾 Your speeches, garbage.
還有你 你應該給她好的建議 And you're supposed to give her advice?
對吧? 你的建議又蠢又傻 Is that right? All I heard was dumb,
我都不知道是些什么 stupid I don't know what the fuck it was.
是垃圾? Garbage?
- 蓋瑞... - 閉嘴吧你! - Gary... - Oh, shut up!
你從各方面[各種體位] You screwed her the worst.
搞她搞得最厲害 In all the ways.
是的 我知道... Oh, I know...
我知道你們嘲笑我 I know you make fun of me
我知道你們覺得我很滑稽 and I know that you think that I'm funny
我是很滑稽 哈哈哈 但至少我在乎她 and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha. Well, at least I cared.
我做好了我的工作 我他媽的在乎! I did my job! I fucking cared!
能看到這一出 這一年的辛苦也值了 Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.
同意 Yeah.
今天是對民主主義意義重大的一天 Today is a great day for democracy.
標志著美國嶄新未來的開啟 It marks the beginning of a new chapter for America.
新當選總統蒙特茲發表致辭
我們剛剛見證的投票 You know, the vote we
清楚地傳遞了一個信息 just witnessed sends one very clear message.
此刻起 我們要擱置爭議 Now is the time we put our divisions aside
共創美國的美好明天 and we move this great nation forward.
我剛剛跟我的好朋友 比爾·奧布萊恩議員通過話 I just spoke to my good friend Senator Bill O'Brien
我很高興地宣布 and I'm happy to say
他會全力支持我 he's fully endorsing my presidency,
我會好好利用他的幫助... so I will be counting on his help...
我想吃水果 I need fruit.
我會帶領美國走出這段混亂的時期 as I guide America out of these turbulent times.
國會代表將不會再次投票
十天后
距就職典禮還有1天
這就是她啦 我的寶寶 艾倫 Here she is, baby Ellen.
她看起來真的太大了 不像是個寶寶 Yeah, she seems really, really large for a baby.
我三歲的時候也是個大寶寶 I was a tall kid when I was three.
我們那的鄰居 In fact, people in the
都以為我是不是有啥問題 neighborhood thought something was wrong with me
因為我簡直是個五歲孩子的個頭 cause I was the size of a five-year-old.
所以你到底是哪出了問題呢? So what's the reason now, then?
早安 總統女士 我回來了 Morning, Madam President. I am back.
- 你之前不在這兒? - 我去了內華達六天 - Were you gone? - Nevada. Six days.
那是段不錯的旅程 Yeah, it was a really, really amazing visit.
這是我奶奶的畫 This is Mee-Maw's painting back
給我送回家去 here and I want to make sure to get this home.
好的 不過嚴格來講 那是凱瑟琳的 Okay, that's technically Catherine's painting.
羅伯特 理查德
文稿代理公司
- 嗨 - 哈嘍 - Hey. - Hello.
你也是來推銷青年小黃書點子的嗎? Are you here selling a young adult fiction idea, too?
我的講的是在一個平行宇宙里 Mine takes place in an alternate timeline
那里的肥胖酗酒前總統幕僚長 where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff
被人搶著上 are considered a sexual prize.
平行宇宙無非是 Alternate timelines are a crutch
給敷衍的科幻提供個大背景 比如 《星際迷航》 for lazy sci-fi premises, e.G., "Star Trek"
除了《深空九號》 with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."
你該試試寫浪漫小說 You should try your hand at romance novels.
- 我試過 - 哦 - I have. - Mmm.
你聽說蒙特茲 You hear Montez is looking
想要留下一位高級白宮職員了嗎? to keep one senior White House staffer?
大概就是個謠言吧 不在乎 Probably just a rumor. Wouldn't worry about it.
下午 8:17
就職典禮前夜
按照慣例 總統當選人蒙特茲女士 As is customary, President-Elect Montez
和她的家人今晚將下榻布萊爾大廈 and her family will spend tonight at Blair House.
明早10點 她將在就職典禮前 Tomorrow morning at 10:00 A.M., she will join President Meyer
與梅耶總統在紅廳 for coffee in the Red Room
喝咖啡 before heading to the inauguration.
白宮
下午 10:49
MSNBC剛剛獲知總統當選人蒙特茲女士 MSNBC has just learned that President-Elect Montez
蒙特茲欲挖查理·貝爾德任財政部長
計劃提名華爾街銀行家查理·拜爾德... plans to nominate Wall Street banker Charlie Baird...
果不其然 That seems about right.
為財政部長 to be her secretary of the treasury.
梅耶總統去年年底和這位銀行家短暫有染 President Meyer dated the banker briefly late last year.
嘿 理查德 hey, Richard.
總統女士 Madam President.
我在打包收拾議員的舊辦公室 I'm just finishing packing up Congressman Ryan's old office.
必須現在做 因為這是最后一晚... I have to do it now because it's the last night before...
對啊 我知道是什么的最后一晚 Yeah, I know what it's the last night before of.
你知道柯爾特的生日宴會嗎 You know about Colt's birthday dinner?
- 這樣很好 不是嗎 -非常 非常 非常放松 - It's good, isn't it? - It's very, very, very relaxing.
我應該更信賴你 理查德 I should have relied on you more, Richard.
我是說真的 你算是個好員工 I mean, really, seriously, you're one of the good ones.
謝謝 總統女士 thank you, Madam President.
如果我有100個理查德 If I had had 100 Richards,
誰知道我能做成什么呢 who knows what I could have done?
可能會很多 Probably a lot.
也可能最后像《陰陽魔界》里的場景 Or it could turn out like one of those "Twilight Zone" Scenarios
大家彼此謀殺 where we all murder each other.
我都不記得怎么開車了 I don't even remember how to drive.
- 我得買個錢包 - 大概吧 - I need a wallet. - Probably.
- 還有郵票 我要買點郵票 - 對 - And stamps. I've got to get stamps. - Yeah.
如果我是個小女孩 然后你對我說 If I was a little girl and you said to me,
"你想做什么" "What do you want to do?"
我可能會說"可以讓我做總統嗎" I would have said, "Please, can I be president?"
結果這成了我生命中最寂寞的12個月 And then it turned out to be the 12 loneliest months of my life.
我姨媽以前經常這樣談起寂寞 My auntie used to talk about loneliness like that.
- 好吧 - 對 - Okay, so, right, you know that. - Yeah, yeah.
我們曾經非常 非常親近 We were pretty, pretty close,
特別是因為我媽媽太老了 especially 'cause my mother was so much older.
事實上 她老到足夠當我祖母了 Old enough to be my grandmother, as a matter of fact.
- 對 - 對 - Yeah. - Yeah.
也許我姨媽是我親媽 Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother
而我媽其實是我祖母 and my mother was actually my grandmother.
哇 這樣合理多了 wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense.
除了我 大家都知道 Everybody knew about it but me, too.
這是要祈禱嗎 女士 Are we praying, ma'am?
不 我只是要躺下 No, I'm just gonna lie down.
天啊 Oh, God.
我贏了就好了 I wish I had won.
我希望大家都贏 I wish everybody won.
女士? Ma'am?
女士? 好吧 Ma'am? Okay.
你能留下嗎 Can you just stay?
當然 女士 Absolutely, ma'am.
上午 7:39
就職典禮日
特別的果昔 Special smoothie
給特別的你 for a special lady.
- 發生了什么 - 我不知道 - What happened? - I don't know.
天啊 我沒操理查德吧 Oh, my God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.
什么 What?
- 需要幫忙嗎 - 不 - Okay, you need some help? - No.
蒙特茲太太和她的家人在路上了 Okay, Mrs. Montez and her family, they're on their way.
你要在北門廊門口迎接他們 You're gonna greet them at the North Portico doorway.
媽媽 Mom.
你見我的影片了嗎 硬盤丟了 Have you seen my film? The hard drive is missing.
親愛的 看看你 Honey, look at you.
是啊 我一直在為拯救農場做宣傳 Yeah, I've been working with this new stylist
所以請了個新的造型師 since I've been doing all this press for the rescue farm.
這是我的新形象 It's my new look.
媽媽 你會打理你的頭發的 對吧 Mom, you're gonna do something with your hair, right?
天啊 看看這個 Oh, God. Look at this.
好了 你聽我說 聽我說 Okay, you listen to me. Listen to me.
他們可以奪走你的總統之位 They can take away your presidency,
你的權力 你的尊嚴 they can take away your power, they can take away your dignity,
但有一樣他們奪不走的是什么 but what is the one thing that they cannot take away from you?
- 我的美 - 這就對了 我們走吧 - My beauty. - That's right. Let's go.
走后門 后門 Go back door! Back door!
舉起來 Put it up!
- 就這樣 - 你犯規 - That's it. - You fouled me.
你們知道整個該死的雷伯恩議會大廈 Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House Office Building
都能聽到你和你的廢柴軍團 can hear you and your twink
在這兒互插食道嗎 army in here cock scraping each other's esophagi?
好的 先生 抱歉 先生 我們是在打鬧 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. We were roughhousing.
天啊 威爾 你看到的也如我所見嗎 Jesus, Will, are you looking at what I'm looking at here?
威爾 告訴他招聘男性員工的第一條法則 Will, tell him the first rule of hiring male staff.
他們魅力必須比議員少很多 They must be substantially less attractive than the congressman.
我差點雇了一個伊拉克老兵 And I almost hired an Iraqi war veteran.
半邊臉三度燒傷 Third degree burns on half of his face,
不過他性格好 所以... but the guy had personality, so...
威爾 告訴他為什么我雇了你 Will, tell him why I hired you instead.
因為我的外表和禮儀都招人煩 Because I'm repulsive both in appearance and manner.
在你像拉拉隊長要墮的胎一樣 Now let me give you some advice
被拽出去之前 before you're yanked out
我來給你些建議 of here like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus.
謹言慎行 You say nothing and you do less.
摘掉這個破眼睛 And take off those fucking glasses.
你看起來像克里斯托弗·里夫[超人扮演者] You look like Clark Kent if they
被挖出來的尸體扮演的克拉克·肯特[超人] dug up Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.
至于你們 各位女士 這里是華盛頓 不是邁阿密 And as for you ladies, this is DC, not Miami.
- 恭喜 喬納 - 謝了 - Congratulations, Jonah. - Thanks, man.
操他大爺 Fuck that guy.
來啊 游戲開始 我們繼續 Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go.
- 好嗎 預備 - 空中傳球 - All right, ready? - Alley-oop!
我的蛋 My fucking nuts!
擦 柯爾特 shit, Colt.
叫個醫生 打給我媽 Call a doctor and call my mom.
嘿 你用過那個杜魯門保齡球館嗎 Hey, have you ever used that Truman bowling alley?
不 當然沒有 我在這工作 No, no, of course not. I worked here.
我來白宮又不是為了慶祝四年級生日派對 I didn't go to the White House for a fourth grade birthday party.
天啊 抱歉 Jesus. I'm sorry.
抱歉 那是 I'm sorry. That's
- 艾米 嗨 - 嗨 凱蒂 - Amy, hi. - Hey, Candi.
恭喜 蒙特茲的新幕僚長 Congratulations. Montez's new chief of staff.
- 本只是帶我轉轉 - 是的 - Ben here is just showing me around. - I am.
你來這里面試了太多次 You've interviewed here so many times,
我還以為你早對這里 I'd think that you'd know
了如指掌了呢 the place like the back of your hand by now.
- 肯特·戴維森 - 邁克·麥克林托克 - Kent Davison. - Mike McLintock.
新工作找得怎么樣了 Any luck with the new job search?
沒關系 我回到了《每日郵報》工作 所以我們還行 Oh, it's all right. I'm back at the "Post," So we're good. Yeah.
這位是黛博拉莉 我們的代孕媽媽 This is Debralee, our surrogate.
- 你好 - 雙胞胎在肚子里 - Hi. - The twins are in there.
- 肚子里 - 是的 - In there. - In here.
這位是艾倫 And this is Ellen,
我的新女兒 她3歲了 our new big girl. She's three.
麥克 她的頭圍看上去已經六歲了 Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old.
我六歲 I'm six.
她說什么? What did she say?
很有趣的事 Here's an interesting fact.
你知道這間屋在被涂紅之前 Would you believe that it was called the Red Room
就被稱作紅屋了么？ before it was actually painted red?
我聽說了 I heard that.
那時候刷這個屋要多少錢 What'd it cost to paint this thing back then?
- 12美元 - 12美元 我還以為15美元呢 - $12. - Yeah, $12. I was thinking right around 15.
當時還是奴隸制 所以可能不要錢 I think it was a slave state, so it might have been free.
我剛在想... 孩子們 Oh, I'm just wondering... boys.
- 孩子們 不要管他們 - 我兒子們像他們這么大的時候 - Boys. They're fine. - Hell, when my boys were that age,
能把這拆了 they'd have just torn this place apart.
我有三個兒子 我家聞上去就像是腋窩的味道 I have three boys. My entire house smells like an armpit.
真好我家是女兒 Ooh, hate to hear that. See, glad I have girls.
女孩們后來會讓你更費心 Girls will cost you later.
女孩最不好了 Mm, girls are the worst.
我聽說今晚氣溫要降到20度以下呢[-6.7攝氏度] Well, I also heard that it might go down into the teens tonight.
為了舞會我得把皮草準備好吧 Hey, I better get out my fur for the ball tonight, right?
對啊 Yes, you should.
我恨不得每天都熱 Well, give me the heat any day.
不過再說了 我是墨西哥長大的 But then again, I grew up in Mexico.
當然 我們知道 Well, sure, yeah, we know that.
他家是哈利斯科州的 His family is from Jalisco.
那熱死了[西語] Es muy caliente there.
勞拉 你又是來自俄亥俄州哪里的呢?[揭勞拉實為美國鄉下人] And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?
我家 Um, well, I grew up
正好在克利夫蘭旁邊 但是 right outside of Cleveland, but after, you know,
15年過去了 我覺得自己就是個土生土長的新墨西哥人 15 years, I feel like I am 100% New Mexican.
新墨西哥 而不是墨西哥? New Mexican, but not Mexican?
在所有白宮的傳統中 Of all the White House traditions,
這一個應該是我最喜歡的 this one is probably my favorite.
- 是嗎 - 是的 - Is it? Oh. - Yeah.
該死 剛才還有啊 Damn it. I just had it.
我每天都帶著 但是現在我找不到了 I have this thing every day and now I can't find it.
好 Okay.
約100萬人正在焦急的等待 An estimated one million people are anxiously awaiting
勞拉 蒙特茲總統就職典禮
新任總統勞拉·蒙特茲的到來 the arrival of President-Elect Laura Montez.
近兩百萬支持者出席就職典禮
蒙特茲！蒙特茲！蒙特茲！ Montez! Montez! Montez!
女士們 先生們 Ladies and gentlemen,
美國總統賽琳娜·梅耶 the President of the United States, Selina Meyer.
即將離職的賽琳娜 梅耶總統抵達就職典禮
當選總統蒙特茲抵達
已經下了樓梯 President Meyer has taken the stage.
她在與一位十分迷人的不明女子打招呼 And she's greeting a very attractive stranger.
那是她的女兒凱瑟琳·梅耶 That is first daughter Catherine Meyer.
可惜 Oh, wow. Too bad.
權力交接儀式正式開始 The handoff of power has begun.
當選總統蒙特茲將進行宣誓 President-Elect Montez will be sworn in
并首次以總統的身份進行全國性發言 and address the nation as president for the first time.
為什么 安德魯? Why'd you do it, Andrew?
我許諾了你國務卿啊 I offered you secretary of state.
你給每個人都許諾了 You offered it to everybody in town.
你的頭塞在蒙特茲屁股里那么深 Your head is so far up Montez's ass.
下一次亞力山卓過生日 Next time it's Alejandro's birthday,
他就能直接射你一臉了 he's gonna come all over your face.
是真的 That's the truth.
梅耶總統 President Meyer taking a
正在和她的副總統 同時也是 moment to catch up with her vice president
一直以來的政治盟友安德魯·道爾談話 and longtime political ally Andrew Doyle.
他們兩的關系非常特別 Those two have a very special relationship.
我 勞拉·普莉希拉·蒙特茲 莊嚴地宣誓... I, Laura Priscilla Montez, do solemnly swear...
勞拉 蒙特茲總統就職宣誓
我 勞拉·普莉希拉·蒙特茲 莊嚴地宣誓... I, Laura Priscilla Montez, do solemnly swear...
...我將忠誠有效地行使 ...that I will faithfully execute the office
美國總統職權... of President of the United States...
...我將忠誠有效地行使 ...that I will faithfully execute the office
美國總統職權… of President of the United States...
...盡最大努力 ...and will to the best of my ability...
...保障 保護 ...preserve, protect,
保衛美國憲法 and defend the Constitution of the United States.
...保障 保護 ...preserve, protect,
保衛美國憲法 and defend the Constitution of the United States.
上帝為證 So help me God.
祝賀你 總統女士 Congratulations, Madam President.
謝謝[西語] Gracias.
勞拉 蒙特茲總統發表就職演講
親愛的民眾們 My fellow citizens,
這是一個新時代的開啟 this is the dawn of a new era.
一個新時代[西語] Una epoca nueva.
嬰兒喇嘛獲救 蒙特茲總統解放西藏
我們中斷蒙特茲的演講 We are interrupting President Montez's speech
為您播報突發新聞 to bring you breaking news.
在您的屏幕左側 On the left side of your screen,
是安德魯空軍基地的實時畫面 you're seeing live footage from Andrews Air Force Base.
我們剛剛得知在蒙特茲總統上任后僅數分鐘 We have just learned that mere minutes into her presidency,
她就和中國政府 President Montez has brokered a deal
就解放西藏問題上達成了協議 with the Chinese government to free Tibet.
乘坐飛機的是小喇嘛 And on board that plane are the so-called baby lamas,
被中國政府關押幾十年的 Tibetan spiritual leaders who have been freed
藏族領袖終于被釋放 from decades of Chinese captivity
這也是這份歷史性合約中的一部分條款 as part of this historic agreement.
這無疑將給蒙特茲總統 This will no doubt put
獲得諾貝爾獎和平獎的機會 President Montez in line for the Nobel Prize.
...我們所有的問題 我們要相信... ...all of our problems. We must put our faith...
你可能不相信 但是她剛剛讓喇嘛自由了 You're not gonna believe this, but she just freed the lamas.
什么？ What?
她跟中國談成了 解放西藏 She brokered with the Chinese to free Tibet.
謝謝 上帝保佑你們 Thank you. May God bless you
上帝保佑美國 and may God bless America.
總統女士 Madam President.
詹姆斯議員 Oh, Senator James.
對于女性來說歷史性的一天 An historic day for womankind.
你覺得演講如何? What'd you think of the speech?
我不知道她的胸部那么大 I had no idea her tits were that big.
所以你接下來什么打算? So what's next for you?
我一直希望可以生活在一個小城鎮 Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town,
在大街上有一處小地方 having a little place on Main Street,
在外面立一個小牌子 hanging a shingle out front,
經營一個屬于自己的數百萬的對沖基金 and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund.
你懂 重回基礎 You know, back to basics.
好的 再見了 Okay. All right. Well, I'll see you around.
- 再見 - 再見 - See you around. - See you around.
- 總統女士 - 什么? - Madam President. - What?
鞋不錯 Nice shoes.
拜托 Oh, come on, man.
謝謝 Thank you.
謝謝 謝謝 Thank you. Thank you.
- 蘇在哪? - 不知道 - Where's Sue? - I don't know.
我不擅長告別 Well, I'm not good with good-byes.
也不擅長贏取競選 Or winning presidential elections.
才不是 Well, that's not true.
- 是的 - 好的 - Yeah, it is. - Okay.
嗯... Um...
我無語了 I don't know what to say.
我該寫點什么嗎 女士? Was I supposed to write something, ma'am?
沒人告訴我啊 Nobody told me.
我以為他要領養個嬰兒 I thought he was getting a baby.
那可不是嬰兒 Yeah, that's not a baby.
我們給美國貢獻了一切 Uh, well, we gave America everything we had.
是啊 Yeah, sure did.
激勵人心 女士 一路順風 Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.
謝謝 所有人 Thank you, all of you.
這... It's...
好了 姑娘們 走了 All right, let's go, girls.
- 上去吧 - 再見 女士 - Get on the thing. - Good-bye, ma'am.
- 女士 - 再見 - Ma'am. - Bye.
女士! Ma'am!
女士 我只想謝謝你 Ma'am, I just want to thank you
- 你所做的一切 - 艾米 跟我們一起走 - for everything you did - Amy, just come with us.
- 不 - 不 你來吧 - No. - No, no, you should just come.
好吧 但我東西還沒... Okay, but I don't even have my...
他們去哪? Where are they going?
天吶 從遠處看 還真的是漂亮 Gosh, from a distance, it looks really beautiful.
對 從遠處看 Yeah, from a distance.
誰的手機能借我用一下? 我需要聯系一下巴迪 Can I borrow somebody's phone? I have to check on Buddy.
- 你養狗了? - 巴迪是... - Oh, did you get a dog? - Buddy's my...
怎么了? Ooh, what was that?
- 好吧 - 什么鬼東西? - Okay. - What the fuck is that?
一個引擎出了點小問題 總統女士 Small problem with one of the engines, Madam President.
- 我們要返航了 - 天吶 - We're gonna have to take her back down. - Oh, Lord.
真是個沒油的好時機 Hell of a time to run out of gas.
如果你走得離飛機遠一點 If you could just step away from the aircraft for a bit,
我們可以給你安排車隊 we'll call you a motorcade.
天吶 Oh, my God.
- 我踩在什么東西上? - 草 女士 - What am I walking on? - Grass, ma'am.
- 媽 - 怎么了? - Mom. - What?
你確定你不知道我電影的硬盤在哪里嗎? Are you sure you don't know where the hard drive of my film is?
- 不知道 - 不知道 - No. - No.
什么聲音? What is that sound?
游行 女士 The parade, ma'am.
我可以從這里走回去 I think I can walk back from here.
天吶 Oh, my God.
這里 Here you go.
說不定這可以毀了她的游行 Maybe it'll ruin her parade.
以上來自于國家廣場 轉接給你沃夫 That's it from the National Mall. Back to you, Wolf.
直播結束 And clear.
- 干的漂亮 伊根 - 謝謝 - Nice work, Egan. - Thank you.
- 我有一個全職工作給你 - 真的? - I may have a full-time gig for you. - Really?
我們有一個 We've got an opening for someone
夜間報道國務院的機會 to cover the state department on the overnight.
- 真的? - 別小題大做 克朗凱特[美越戰時期著名記者] - Really? - Easy, Cronkite.
- 你的黑夜換個地方就是白天了嘛 凱瑞? - 怎么了? - Just think of it as morning somewhere. Carrie? - Yes?
能把明天的背景調查給我嗎? Could you give me tomorrow's research, please?
所以 你怎么想 So, what do you say?
我剛剛收到CBS的工作 I just got an offer from CBS News.
格雷格 我想說... So, Greg, I will say this--
伊根退場 Egan out.
我收到你的郵件了 Yeah, I just got your email.
我只是想確認那個工作是CBS的吧? I just want to make sure the job is with CBS, right?
哥倫比亞廣播電臺? That's Columbia Broadcasting?
只是一些局部的小腫脹 瑞安先生 Yeah, there's just some minor swelling, Mr. Ryan,
一點冰敷就可以了 but nothing a little ice won't fix.
太好了 Excellent.
我有明晚就職舞會的門票 Hoo. I have tickets to the inaugural ball tonight.
我是議員 Yeah. I'm a congressman.
第二張票還沒人 如果你想去的話 The second ticket is unclaimed if you're available.
我結婚了 我的戒指在手套下面 I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves.
我看見了 No, I saw it.
我也只能直說了 Anyway, there is no easy way to say this,
你左邊的蛋蛋上有一個腫塊 but you have a lump on your left testicle.
我要做一個活體切片檢查 然后我們可以取出來 I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there.
取什么從哪取? Take what from where?
早期的監測可以預防 Early detection would have prevented this.
我們非常鼓勵定期的自我檢查 We really encourage regular self-exams.
懂了 Yeah, I know.
他們在羅斯福廳等你 Oh, they're waiting for you in the Roosevelt Room, ma'am.
- 謝謝 蘇 - 不用 - Thank you, Sue. - Of course.
塞琳娜 好消息 我們找到了內華達丟失的選票 Selina, good news. We found the missing Nevada ballots.
你贏了 You won.
這個之後 我們去玩轉茶杯 After this one, let's go to Teacup.
怎麽了 What's wrong?
-我可不可以離婚 -不 - Can I have a divorce? - No!
下次買快速通過票 這樣就不會要排這麽長的隊 Next time you get the Fastpass. We get down and through these lines so much faster.