Previously on Nip / Tuck...
So, you'd like some liposuction, Mrs. Budge.
Whatever it costs, I can afford it.
Name your price, sexy man.
-You got any mac 'n' cheese? -Zip it, Dawn.
What's the matter with me?
Your kidney's been surgically removed.
This is a hot car, Matt, but not as hot as you.
Burt can't find out about this.
-I smelled it on you, honey. -Burt.
I will ruin you both before I give my blessing
so you can run away and play happy ever after.
Where do you find these people, Sean?
Is there some kind of craigslist for the ugly and unemployed?
Our contract with the Landaus allows us four pro-bonos every month.
I plan on meeting that quota.
Free surgeries are like sex without an orgasm.
Unless of course the patient's name is Blu Mondae,
in which case the free surgery follows an orgasm.
-Is it hot in here? -No.
You all right?
I had strep throat a couple of weeks ago. I guess I haven't kicked it.
We've had a great run, Christian. It's time to give back.
I do give back as much as my accountant says I have to.
Charity isn't an issue of accounting, it's an issue of conscience.
Am I right?
Go back to work.
It's ridiculous. I have a garden-variety case of strep throat.
Doctors, can Dr. Cruz and I have some privacy?
No, it's okay. It's okay. They can stay.
You've developed acute glomerulonephritis.
It's not uncommon after a bout of strep.
What's her filtration rate?
She only has about 10 percent left.
She's going to need a new kidney to replace her remaining one.
I'm going to recommend that you begin dialysis immediately.
Dialysis takes six hours a day. How am I supposed to work?
I've taken the liberty of placing you on the national donor list.
You are officially 62,342nd in line.
That list is bullshit. People wait years for one of those organs.
Do you have any family that might be willing to volunteer as a donor?
As far as she's concerned, my being gay is what killed him.
So I don't think that she's gonna be offering up a kidney any time soon.
Sean and I will get tested.
You would do that for me?
Jesus, Liz, of course, you're family. Right, Sean?
Of course.
Christian, it's not your face I want to see, it's hers.
-Screw this. -Christian, wait.
-Where do you think you're going? -I'm done playing dildo.
Maybe you're done playing doctor, Chrissy.
You walk out that door
and I'm gonna chop that little flesh shop of yours into fish bait.
You can have it and her.
Hopefully one of them will get you a hard-on.
You're done playing with my 10-inch dick.
Christian!
Don't go.
How can you be with a man who treats you that way?
Why do you stay? For the money?
What am I supposed to do? I lose everything if I leave.
I won't go back to that hole I was in before I met Burt.
What hole, hooking? Doesn't seem like you ever stopped.
-I'm sorry. -No.
Listen to me.
Come with me. Come with me now. Come with me.
No, I won't belong to another man.
Burt bought my mother a house.
He gave my sisters jobs. This isn't only about me.
We have to be smart, Christian.
Please, don't make any waves.
I can get us out of this.
Tell your husband he can fire me. I'm nobody's whore.
What can we do for you, Dawn? More lipo?
God knows I could use it.
In the past six hours I have consumed more Freihofer's
than a French whore during the Nazi occupation.
Those cookies and the oxycodone
are the only thing keeping me from passing out right here from pain.
Pain?
-I was earjacked. -Carjacked?
Earjacked!
Jesus, I got one ear, I can hear better than you.
After Dwight left me for Mallory,
I went on a four-week fast food bender.
Arby's, KFC.
I even bought a Popeyes franchise just for good measure.
Well, after thousands of grams of saturated fat
failed to mend my broken heart,
I drove on down to Boca.
Picked myself up a gorgeous pair of honking earrings.
First mistake I made, wearing them in public.
So, what's it gonna cost me, Doc, for the new ear?
-Well, Mrs. Budge... -Miss, I'm single now.
Miss Budge.
We can rebuild the ear
using cartilage and fatty tissue from other parts of your body.
-God knows you got plenty. -Zip it, pretty boy.
What's option two?
We could attach an artificial ear made out of silicone.
What am I, Plastic Man? I'll look like a mannequin at Lane Bryant.
This ear has to be perfect.
Now that I am Oprah rich, and back on the dating scene,
I plan on nabbing my own Stedman within one year.
There is one other possibility.
It's a fairly new technology and it won't be cheap.
Sweetie, I wipe my ass with $100 bills.
All right. Then we'll make an appointment at the genetics lab.
Genetics lab?
That's where they're gonna grow your new ear.
Oh, God.
That's incredible.
Deeper.
Oh, that's good.
I can't tell the difference between the knots and the muscles.
You're like this mass of sculpted steel.
You're too sweet.
It's Pilates.
Can you get my lower back?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry. It's just, you were moaning...
We're friends, Matt.
I thought I could trust you.
Look, Kimber, I'm sorry, but I like you.
I guess you have that effect on the men in my family.
And you thought that because I had relationships with your dads
that I was just gonna screw you, too?
I thought you were different than they were, Matt.
Yeah, I am. I'm spiritual.
I just spent the last month picking up shit
in front of Church buildings for Christ's sake.
Did you do that for your growth or to impress me?
Okay.
Get out.
I don't feel safe with you here anymore. Go.
Okay.
You're not a match.
How close was I?
You're a five out of six, that's almost a perfect match.
Would you describe yourself as promiscuous, Doctor?
Your blood tested high for an antibody that only appears in people
with an unusually high number of sexual partners.
So I can't give Liz a kidney because I've had too much sex?
There's irony for you.
You're disappointed?
I've fixed a number of nephrectomy scars.
It's almost impossible to regain muscle definition in the affected areas.
There are other possible complications, incontinence, infection, clotting.
You are aware that the results are strictly confidential?
I'm only obligated to reveal the findings to the donor.
Are you saying you'll lie for me?
I'm saying it's my responsibility to test you,
but it's your responsibility to inform any interested parties that you're a match.
Mr. Landau is here to see you, he says it's urgent.
-Excuse me. -Yes.
-Are you a match? -No.
-You? -No.
Got any other ideas how we can help her?
Well, you can get medicinal marijuana and Russian brides
over the Internet these days.
I'm sure we can find ourselves a kidney.
You have any idea what this
come-to-Jesus meeting with Burt is all about?
Yeah. We're gonna get fired.
He found out about Michelle and I.
And he said if we didn't screw in front of him,
then he would tear the business apart.
Turns out the old bird is a kinky bastard.
Jesus, Christian.
I should have known if anything was gonna bring this place to its knees,
it would be your dick.
Think you can get us out of this?
Not unless you've got a 12 gauge and a bunch of hams.
It happened two nights ago.
The doctors said it was an ischemic stroke.
Were you straining? A bowel movement?
We were having sex.
We made it to the hospital within a half an hour.
They told us the clot had dissipated.
I'm sorry, but if the clot is fully dissolved
and he's already on anticoagulants, what do you want us to do?
You're my plastic surgeons,
fix my goddamn face.
Where is Dr. Troy? This is totally unacceptable.
He's caring for a sick associate.
No need to lie.
The man is terrified of our sexual chemistry. I get it.
Here he is.
Isn't he beautiful?
We call him Vincent.
After the nineteenth-century painter, Vincent van Gogh.
-He's infamous for cutting off his ear. -Thanks, Sister Wendy.
I just bought one of his paintings, I got it hanging in my bathroom.
Every time I take a dump now, I feel artistic.
So, Doc, what did you do, shave the poor thing down?
It's a nude mouse.
It's genetically altered to be born without a thymus gland.
It has limited T cells, which means it can't fight off infections.
It also means he's less likely to reject donated tissue.
Does it hurt when you sew that thing on to him?
No. We implant a tiny, ear-shaped scaffold
filled with donor tissue into our guy's back.
His blood nourishes the growing cells
and in about six weeks, you have an ear.
I forwarded Dr. Capler your blood work.
So he picked this mouse based on the results.
You'll also be given a heavy dose of anti-rejection drugs to aid the process.
Even then, there's still a 20-percent chance
that your body will reject the tissue.
Fine, wrap it up.
And let me tell you, the cage better be included in the price.
You can't take the mouse with you.
I used to raise ferrets in the back of my trailer.
I know how to care for a rodent.
This mouse has no immune system,
so it might not survive outside of a sterile environment.
I'll have Margo come twice a day. She's my cleaning woman.
Doesn't speak a word of English, but let me tell you, she can...
I think maybe you should go somewhere else.
All right, fine, Vinnie stays.
But I need to hold him. I want to bond with my ear.
Isn't he adorable?
I always had a thing for baldies. Look, look at him.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, to think what this little guy is going to go through
just so I can wear a pair of sunglasses again.
We like to think that we're creating life of the noblest form,
dedicated solely to making others well.
Just like you, Doc.
Thanks, Vinnie.
He can't hear you through that.
Oh.
-Hey, Liz. -Hey!
-These are for you. -Aw, thank you, honey.
Okay, he's here.
You guys gonna tell me now?
Which one's going under the knife so I can get out of here?
I'm sorry, Liz. Neither one of us is a match.
Sean and I went to school with some people
from the American Kidney Foundation.
We'll try and get you bumped up the list.
So someone else who has been waiting longer gets screwed over to save me?
Oh, no.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Look on the bright side,
they're going to suck a pound of liquid out of you every time you come in here.
You'll be able to fit into your skinny jeans.
Okay, okay. It's enough of me complaining.
Distract me. How's the baby, Sean?
Good. Bigger. Starting to smile.
It's great when they start to give a little something back, huh?
All I'm asking is you bump her up a couple of notches on the donor list.
You owe me, Jim.
Who helped you get into the pants of that hot Brazilian radiologist
with the big fake tits when we were residents?
You married her? No shit.
Well, tell her I said hello.
Blood work came back on Burt Landau.
Guess what he was on the night of his stroke?
Viagra.
Excuse me?
Your husband was on it the night that he had a stroke.
You remember that night?
"I can get us out of this, Christian."
Are you suggesting that I gave it to him?
I'm suggesting that it's a little odd for a man to take a drug
that every doctor he's seen over the past two years
has said could kill him.
How dare you. I am not a murderer.
Are you saying through all of this, the surgeries, you and me,
you never wished he was dead?
Wishing and actually doing something about it are two very different things.
I thought you knew me.
We'll see if I do.
Who gave you the Viagra, Burt?
Who gave you the Viagra?
I don't know.
Stop covering for her, she tried to kill you.
No, she didn't.
I took it myself.
Stupid.
But those three minutes inside her
was worth giving up how many years I got left.
-Wait. I'm sorry. -Stay away from me.
If I didn't need you to fix my husband's face you'd be fired already.
From now on, consider us business associates.
What do you want?
I want a personality test.
Go away, Christian.
Come on, Kimmy. It's me. You know, the guy you almost married.
Let me in. I need to talk to you.
Jesus, you smell like a brewery.
And you smell like happy memories.
You know, every time I get close to a woman who's wearing your perfume,
I get a hard-on?
Okay.
Now I know where he gets it from.
Your son came on to me the other day.
Oh.
So congratulations, you don't need to force me
not to see him anymore.
Your genes and bad influence have done it for you.
-Can I get myself a Scotch, sweetie pie? -One drink and then you hit the road.
I'm sorry about Mattie.
-I'll talk to him. -No, don't.
He's just young.
He doesn't understand what it means to really believe in something yet.
This shit really works for you, huh?
For once in my life I feel like
there's something I can give myself freely to
and I can expect the same in return.
I never gave to you like that?
When you wanted to,
but it always came with a price.
Maybe you should audit me.
If it works for you, there must be something to it, right?
Christian, stop.
Don't tell me you never think about me, baby.
When you're alone in bed at night
and your fingers find their way down to your pretty little rosebud.
You never close your eyes and pretend those hands are mine?
Oh, please stop, Christian. Please. Stop.
Let's lock ourselves in and make love and
eat take-out for a few days.
I need to go.
Okay.
I have a seminar at Church tomorrow afternoon
if you want to come by and I'll audit you then.
Are you kidding me?
I don't give a shit about your whackado religion.
What? You told me you wanted to...
I said what I always say,
whatever it takes to get me laid.
How can you be so cruel?
Why didn't you just go screw one of your whores if you needed to get laid?
Whores only give you their body.
I needed to feel like the most important man in the world,
and you're the only person who can do that for me.
Don't worry, sweetheart,
I'm sure there's some chapter in Dianetics that will help you get through...
Get out! Get out!
I hate you! Get out of my house.
Oh, my God!
Oh, yes.
I know.
Hey.
I didn't know you were coming over tonight.
I invited her. I reckoned that even gals
on a restricted diet deserved a home-cooked meal.
Listen, you have no idea what this means to me,
but I cannot accept it.
Accept what?
When I found out that you couldn't be a donor for Liz,
I called and asked for permission to be tested.
You're a match?
No, but I am.
I swear I didn't know he was getting tested, Sean.
Liz is family, Dad. She used to baby-sit me.
She even let me have a swig of beer at one of her barbecues when I was 14.
You are my hero,
but I will not let you do this for me.
The acorn didn't fall far from the tree, did it, Daddy?
Do you have any idea how life-altering a kidney donation can be?
I've just recently been forced to come to the conclusion
that I've spent my entire life taking, so unless you can come up with
a good reason why I shouldn't, I'm going through with it.
-How could you let him do this? -Oh, she didn't let me do anything.
-I'm 18. -I didn't think he'd be a match,
you and Christian weren't.
I mean, I don't want him to do it either,
but, you know, he doesn't need our consent.
I haven't seen you in a month, Matt.
Well, that's going to change.
Where do you think I'll be doing my convalescing?
You guys raised me to take care of people, yeah?
I know I haven't always lived up to that, but I want to start now.
What's going to happen when you take the ear off him?
We're sending him off to live on a ranch in Wyoming with his other donor buddies.
Seriously, if I built him a sterile room at Tara Budge
do you think I could keep him?
The only room you're going to need to build for him is a mausoleum.
The mice don't survive the surgery.
Seriously?
We could cancel the procedure.
Nah, do it.
I'm going to need both ears to pull off my fall wardrobe.
You all right there, partner?
Matt wants to give Liz his kidney.
He and Julia got tested.
The kid's got balls. I'll kill him before I let him do it,
but you've got to admit the kid's got balls.
He must have got them from you.
He certainly didn't get my kidneys.
I lied. I'm a match for Liz.
A five of six.
What?
Look, I have a handicapped son I have to operate on.
I can't be out of commission for three months.
Bullshit. Give her the kidney after you operate on Conor's hands.
You're shit-scared about going under the knife, that's all.
That's not the point right now.
Our goal needs to be to stop Matt from forcing the issue with Liz.
Well, I can think of a way of stopping him.
Give Liz somebody else's kidney.
Coming!
Hey, you're early. Come on in.
Thanks for inviting me.
After what happened I didn't think you'd really want to see me.
I thought a lot about it and
realized I was totally out of line.
And I wanted you to come over so I could apologize.
-Make you a drink? -No, thanks. I'm off the booze.
-You training for something? -No, it's just that...
Well, you know my dads' anesthesiologist, Liz?
She needs a kidney and I'm going to give her mine.
So I have to be totally clean to make sure her body doesn't reject it.
Wow.
That's awfully generous of you.
Yeah, well, I really took what you said to me to heart, you know?
About giving back.
You really are a beautiful soul, Matthew McNamara.
So, where are your kidneys, anyways?
Back here.
Here?
Do you think it's going to hurt?
Well, it's not going to feel good.
-Does that feel good? -Yeah.
I assume you know I'll be overseeing my husband's surgery in the OR.
Of course. I know how you and your husband like to watch each other.
-Is there something wrong? -His blood pressure's dropping.
Give me one milligram ANP.
He's gone into V-fib, give me the crash cart.
Clear. Clear.
Blood pressure's coming back, heart rate stabilizing.
-It looks good. What happened? -Earjacked. You?
Someone stole my kidney.
I didn't know they did real medical stuff in here, too.
No, they don't.
Sean and Christian set that up for me so I could work a couple of hours a day.
Wow.
That is really nice of them to do that for you.
I mean, come on, you think about it, the last thing some socialite
wants to see after her eye job
is somebody having a blood-scrubbing, right?
How'd you do it? You know, get them to care about you so much?
I'm sure you have people in your life that would do the same for you.
Yeah, I got plenty of people.
Most of them showed up right when the money did.
-You expecting someone? -Not really.
I thought maybe my ex and my daughter might stop by but...
They're back in Pensacola now so...
Maybe they don't know what happened to you.
Bullshit. I did an exclusive two-parter on Montel.
They never ever miss an episode.
You know how much money I've spent since I won that Powerball?
Twenty million.
Yeah, I got a huge house.
I got more ice than an Eskimo.
I got a racehorse I've never even seen.
And you know what?
I'd give twice that right now to have somebody walk through that door
just to hold my hand.
I used to raise ferrets, you know, before the money.
There was this one,
Knickers, cutest thing I ever saw in my life,
she got her little paw caught in the trailer door.
I hocked my entire Franklin Mint collection on eBay just to pay her vet bills.
You know, I nursed her. She got better. I loved her, you know.
I could tell she loved me, too.
And look at me now.
You know how I got this ear?
I killed a mouse for it. Vincent.
Cute little guy, too.
He grew the ear on his back, you know, and I let him sacrifice himself
just so I could look good in my Jill St. Johns.
I'm sure Vincent understood.
The point is, I gave more when I had nothing.
It's like I traded my soul for all that money, you know.
And then I look at you, I mean, the victim of a horrible crime,
and what gets you through?
The hope that maybe for a couple of hours a day you get to be a doctor.
You're a hero. You are.
I'm a big fat zero.
God, what happened to me?
Too bad they can't grow a kidney on the back of a mouse, huh?
This isn't right.
He should be in a facility that can care for him properly.
He needs to be home.
This isn't like recovery from his other surgeries.
He's had a massive stroke.
Which means diaper changes and intense physical therapy.
It could be years before he's back on his feet.
I've hired a hospice nurse to be here at night.
And I'm perfectly capable of handling things during the day.
What about work?
I'll take a leave of absence.
You don't need to do that.
This is a list of the top inpatient rehab clinics in Miami.
-Do you and Burt a favor... -No.
-...and at least go look at them. -I won't...
I won't put him in a nursing home.
Of course, you wouldn't want to do anything to piss him off
enough to make him change his will.
You think I want it like this?
You think I want to spend the rest of my youth holed up in this tomb?
But he's still my husband, he needs me.
But you don't love him anymore. You love me.
You wanted me to let him die on that table, I saw it in your eyes.
And I saw it in yours, but you saved him anyway.
Now it's my turn.
Hey, Sean.
-We need to talk. -About Matt, I know.
He's adamant about giving me his kidney.
I'm afraid he's going to leave it on my doorstep in a gift-wrapped cooler.
You don't need Matt's kidney.
Because I'm going to give you mine.
That is very sweet, Sean,
but I think that we're both gonna feel a little silly when my body rejects it.
It won't.
I'm a five of six match for you.
I lied about my test results.
I'm sorry, Liz.
I was scared, of the surgery, the recovery.
-I just... -Didn't want to end up like me.
Why the change of heart?
I would never have known that you lied.
I made a list of the people I thought would give me a kidney.
It was pretty short.
Then I made a list of
people I'd give one to, it was even shorter.
I always thought of myself as a good friend, someone you can count on.
It wasn't until all of this happened that I realized that I was full of shit.
What I'm saying, Liz... I love you. I don't want to lose you.
You're going to take my kidney.
I've scheduled the operation for tomorrow.
Shit. Scary, huh?
I have never asked you to do this for me, Sean.
You shouldn't have had to.
The truth is, I can't.
Frankly, your kidney's not hot enough.
You're only a five of six. I have found a better match.
A better match? Who?
A perfect six-out-of-six, just like my Powerball ticket.
I guess lightning really can strike twice.
Especially when it has such a large target.
That target didn't seem to bother you
when you were pinning me to your apartment floor, sweet cheeks.
Should we begin?
I'm ready when you are.
Go gentle, Doc. I got to look my best for bikini season.
Dr. Muthara is going to be doing most of the heavy lifting,
but we'll do what we can to minimize the scarring.
Though I have to warn you, Miss Budge,
there's very little we can do with a nephrectomy scar
because of the angle at which the incision is made.
Screw it, it'll be my badge of honor.
You think I can come by every now and then and visit my kidney?
-You know, for coffee or something? -I don't think I can say no.
-How's next Thursday? -Okay.
Looks like you got a friend for life there, Lizzy.
You sure it's worth it?
-How we doing? -Scared.
Relax, you're among friends.
-Thank you. -My privilege.
Okay, count back from ten for me.
Ten,
nine,
eight, seven...
ENGLISH