Caroline, I'm home! I mean,
I'm hotel!
CAROLINE: I'm upstairs.
Because we have an upstairs.
Thank you for losing all your money so Hollywood would buy your story,
and I can buy all the pot I want.
Hello, darling.
You're just in time for my big Hollywood entrance.
Hold up, Greta Garbage.
I just want to tell Earl about the pot sitch out here.
He'll think it's high-larious.
You never wanna watch me walk.
What up, Earl? It's your girl, Max, calling from Holly-weed, Cali-juana.
Hey, Max, it's not the same without you here.
A lot less customers crying.
Listen to this.
They just give you pot cards out here.
All I had to say was,
"Sure, I get sad."
Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man working at a dead-end diner.
I bet I can get two cards.
Is that Max? Let me talk to her.
I can't find my white golf glove, and I know you took it.
Han, keep your panties on. I have no idea where your glove is.
I'm driving through the hills. I'm breaking up.
(UTTERS GIBBERISH)
Okay. Here comes my big Hollywood entrance.
Hello, darling. I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
Oh!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Uh-huh!
I'm head over heels for Hollywood, baby.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Just put it wherever you would usually put things
for a big Hollywood meeting with screenwriters
who are writing your life story.
So the counter?
- Go with your instincts. - Yeah.
If I had gone with my instinct, I would have finished nursing college.
Another reason I love LA,
we just had brunch at a place where you can valet park your dog.
Oh, my God, Max, are those new sunglasses?
Randy got 'em for me.
I had to.
Your other pair of sunglasses were being held together by willpower.
And four-week-old gum.
Can you have dinner tonight?
Would that mean I have to have sex with you again?
Because the answer is yes.
Max, you're going out with Randy again?
I've barely seen you since we got here.
And I've seen David Schwimmer four times.
I've never met David Schwimmer.
Which is weird 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm his lawyer.
Why don't you come have dinner with us?
Would that mean she has to have sex with you again?
Because that's a yes.
Actually, now I think of it,
I can set you up with an old friend of mine.
He is big in this town.
Deli sandwich named after him big.
If you start dating a big sandwich, I'm gonna be really jealous.
I'll see you later.
Hey, my boobs are down here.
Wear something cute.
(GIGGLES) Okay.
Last time a guy told you to wear something cute,
you said, "Like what, your nuts?"
You really like this guy.
Can you just not ruin this for me by pointing out what's good about it?
- Ooh, snacks. - No, don't eat those.
That's for the meeting with the writers.
Writers are actors who gave up, so they're allowed to eat.
Well, can we talk about casting with these writers?
Because for once I want a name to play me.
Not just some lady who falls out of her tube top on COPS.
Hey, everybody.
Sophie, I thought you were gonna be at the healer
who's gonna help you get pregnant until well after our meeting.
Well, you're wrong.
Yeah.
No, my healer had to cancel.
Yeah, she's trying to get Kim Kardashian pregnant again.
Or is it Kanye?
I forget which one's the girl.
I'm pretty sure it's Kanye
because he's the one that goes crazy once a month.
This is so exciting. Our movie meeting is happening.
This is exciting.
I've never been in a hotel meeting that didn't start on Craigslist.
- Hi. - Hi, I'm Leslie.
This is Jason. He's my partner.
Writing partner. To be clear, I only date models.
Hand models, to be clear.
Come on in.
I am Caroline Channing.
You probably recognize me from Google Images.
The photo of me being dragged out of Barneys,
crying with my cut-up credit cards is classic.
And I'm Max Black. If you google image me,
you'll see the Canadian dude I stole my identity from.
You're hot. Are you a model?
That is so unprofessional.
Right. Like I'm the one who has to stay 500 feet away from Fred Savage.
He's just so darn cute.
But anyway, hi.
Hi. Okay, yeah, let's switch focus and sit and talk movie.
I already came up with my character's catchphrase.
I think every time I leave the room, I should say,
"Jigga-jigga damn."
We thought it was just gonna be us and Caroline,
not that you're not fun and fabulous.
You're like a sober Megan Fox.
I'm confused. I assumed you wanted to meet with both of us
because Max is a huge part of the story.
Stop texting. Help me.
This is just a boring, preliminary get-to-know-you meeting
that would really be better if it was just...
I wasn't here. Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.
That's why I hightailed it out of my mother's womb.
Anyway, I have a big Hollywood meeting myself.
- You do? - Yeah.
I have an appointment to go stand in line
for a little thing called The Price Is Right.
You ever heard of it?
(LAUGHS) You know you have.
Max, you don't have to go.
It's cool, it's cool.
And with that, let me just say,
jigga-jigga damn.
So here's the thing.
Your friend's character is not in the movie.
We don't have to do the "jigga-jigga damn" thing.
To be honest, I've never heard her say that.
Nothing personal to your friend. She's hot.
We get it!
But Jennifer Lawrence is interested in playing you.
And she wants to do a brave no-makeup role.
Without a co-star.
Jennifer Lawrence wants to play me?
Jigga-jigga damn!
So you wanna sleep over again tonight?
Think your mom will let you?
Maybe.
She let me get a job at five.
You guys are sitting on the same side of the table?
Max, you've kicked people out of the diner for that.
And it was a boy and his nana.
I've sat next to people before at dinner.
They kind of make you at the shelter.
Some wine?
Wine that's not from a box?
That's a yes.
Anyway, how was The Price Is Right?
Did you get to meet the host? I wanna say Alex Sajak.
Control that temper, Max.
It's Drew Carey.
And he gets housewives wet five days a week. Know the facts.
But I showed up too late, so I gotta go back tomorrow.
I was thinking of wearing a shirt that said,
"One in the Plinko, two in the stinko."
How about I buy you a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni?
Aw...
I don't think you realize how much Rice-A-Roni I can eat.
Oh. There's Bob.
Bob! We're over here.
Hey there, hotshot.
Is that my date, Bob? Or a different Bob?
I need that to be a different Bob.
I think that's the very first Bob.
It was Adam, Eve, and Bob.
Caroline, this is Bob.
Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
Nice to meet you.
Not a lot on top.
I hope he means I'm stupid.
Wow.
If me and Randy are May-December, you two are May-dead.
Did Marlon Brando play the pants off The Godfather?
You bet your ass he did.
At the end of the day, he was kissing my ring.
Speaking of kissing, I haven't gotten one
since that time Bob did heroin with The Stones.
I think you mean the time The Stones did heroin with Bob.
Gettin' any ideas?
Yeah, that I wanna die before 60.
Anybody wanna do a little blow?
I'm gonna pass. We have to be careful, Bob.
Some of us are capable of dying.
I'm gonna pass as well. I don't do snorties.
Even I'm scared of how much talking there would be.
Toot-toot. The train is leaving.
Um, Randy?
That was really nice of you to set me up,
but what the hell were you thinking?
There's a 100-year age difference.
Caroline, this is Hollywood. Age doesn't matter.
Unless you're a woman.
Plus, Bob's got a lot of connections. He could really help you with your deal.
I'm not gonna sleep with God's college roommate
to get ahead in Hollywood.
I think sleeping's pretty much all you'd have to do.
Well, never got to the blow.
Ran into my fourth ex-wife.
Only this time, it wasn't with the moose bumper on my Range Rover.
You're still driving?
What are you dolls doing in Hollywood?
You girls like a sister act or something?
Kind of. They're making a movie about us.
So what did the writers say?
What did they think about Zach Galifianakis playing me?
Well, it's nothing personal, but the writers don't feel like you're...
It's just, there's so much story.
There's a lot of characters already.
You're out of the picture, kid.
Really? I'm out?
Max, I'm sorry. I told them you are crucial.
But then they said maybe Jennifer Lawrence would play me,
and I kind of blacked out after that.
Hey. I've been cut out of a lot of life stories.
Like my mom's every time she met a guy.
I was just her two-year-old cleaning lady.
Max, this is just the way Hollywood works.
Well, Bob, you know how Hollywood is.
You were there when it started.
It's cool, it's cool. Randy, ready?
Yeah. We're gonna take off before the next story, Bob.
I can only hear about that three-way with Gavin MacLeod so many times.
Yeah. Plus, I have to get up early to get in line for The Price Is Right.
I used to babysit little Bobby Barker.
Max, don't leave. Stay for another drink.
No, I'm out.
Wow, you could cut that tension with my coke blade.
Max is tough. We're a team. We've been through a lot together.
Including a car wash that time our shower broke.
You'll be fine, kid.
You're gonna have plenty of friends when your movie comes out.
And for six months after that.
I don't need fake friends. I have Max.
That's what Wesley Snipes said about Jane Fonda.
They're not friends.
You bet your ass they're not.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
I thought you weren't gonna have time to be on The Price Is Right
with Caroline's big, and I'm assuming boring, movie.
Nope. My schedule's wide open.
When it comes to the movie, I pulled out.
You know, like I always tell guys I'm going to.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
It's Oleg.
I bet you he wants to have phone sex.
Is there anything I can lean on?
OLEG: Hey, Sophie.
I was just making some baby back ribs, and I thought
I want my baby back.
Then I pleasured myself with an oven mitt.
SOPHIE: So no sex?
'Cause I see a bench at the perfect height.
And I can have Max hold the phone for us.
Is that Sophie?
Is she with Max?
Give me that.
It's Han.
And he sounds even shorter long distance.
Max, did you play with the ringtone on my phone?
Every time it rings, it makes sex sounds.
(WOMAN MOANING)
Mother, I have to call you back.
Sounds like she's doing just fine on her own.
How do I make the sex sounds stop?
For you, it's a rare occurrence.
Just leave it in your pants and enjoy it.
- So, Max... - MAX: Sorry, Han,
I can't hear you, I'm driving through the hills.
I'm breaking up.
(UTTERS GIBBERISH)
(WOMAN MOANING)
I'm coming, Mother.
(MOANING INTENSIFIES)
Here comes the contestant-picker.
Act like you're a stay-at-home mom from the Midwest.
That's The Price Is Right's sweet spot.
Okay, how's this.
(AFFECTS MIDWEST ACCENT) Oh, God.
Those little bastards are just running me ragged.
- Pick me! Pick me! - Pick me! Pick me!
- Pick me!
I got a lot of 12-year-old boys playing sick at home.
How long can you ladies jump up and down for?
- Twenty minutes. - Step out of line.
What is that costume?
(AFFECTING MIDWEST ACCENT) This is home bedazzle, don't you know?
- Step out of line. - Whoo!
I'm just glad to be out of the house.
Wait here, you're both in the mix.
Practice being excited to meet Drew Carey.
He knows when you're faking it.
My Bob never knows when I'm faking it.
Keep it up. I like your pepper.
Max! I've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing here? This isn't a scene in the movie.
I know, because I'm in it.
Max, there would be no movie without you.
There would also be no armed guards at HomeTown Buffet.
What's your point?
I would have been here sooner, but I just got back from Vegas with Bob.
He lost $50,000, and somehow Faye Dunaway's Oscar.
Bob and I talked a lot about friendship on the helicopter.
You know, right after I jump-started his heart with the EpiPen.
And you and I are not going to be Winona Ryder and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Or Sophie and Gwyneth Paltrow.
That bitch.
I was gonna name my firstborn Apple, and she took it.
Now I have to settle for Fritter.
I am not gonna sell out our friendship for Hollywood.
Max, you're in the movie,
and you're coming with me to the meeting to tell them that.
But I'm in the mix. They actually want me here.
But I want you there.
I'm the stupid you should be with.
All right, screw it.
Sophie, I'm gonna go with her.
Why stop making bad decisions now?
All right, but I'm gonna have to make another friend in line.
Hi, I'm Barb.
Oh, gosh, carpool and fluffernutter, yeah.
Yeah. Because soccer, right?
Max, this is kind of our first Hollywood party.
I know.
I wonder who I'll go home with.
Probably Andrew Dice Clay again.
And listen, this might be the sixth teeny-tiny tequila talking,
but thanks for standing up for me
and not letting those writers cut me out of your life.
Oh, Max, that means a lot.
I love it when you're drunk and nice.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Oh, no, it's Han. I wonder what he wants.
You think he finally realized I changed the outgoing message on the diner
to "Welcome to Diarrhea-ville"?
Max, I heard the outgoing message.
And I found a series of Home Alone-style traps in my office,
each one more fiendishly clever than the last.
And I don't know how you got those goats in his office,
but we are having a hard time getting them out.
What's next, Max? What will finally bring me to my knees?
I don't know. A guy who kind of looks like a girl?
Why are you doing all of this to me?
I just didn't want you to forget me while I was away.
Oh, Max. Now you've brought me to tears.
(GOAT BLEATING)
What the...
(SCREAMS)
Congratulations, Max.
You finally got his goat.
- (WHIMPERING) - (BLEATING)
HAN: Somebody help me!
Cover those nuts.
You may need them one day.
I like that you're a bi-coastal bully.
That might be our sequel.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I invited a couple of guys over.
Who? I'm kind of seeing someone-ish.
It's Randy and Bob.
Bob was real?
I thought he was a ghost.
Hey, girls. I brought some bubbly to celebrate your victory today.
And Bob brought a wide variety of opiates and stimulants.
I'm glad to see you two stuck it out. True friendship is a rare thing.
There's only one man I've ever trusted,
and that is Anjelica Huston.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
Holy crap.
I think God is here for Bob.
Is that chopper for you?
You bet your ass it is.
I'm going to Malibu. Susan Sarandon is ordering pizza.
We're doing Molly.
Bob.
Will I ever see you again?
Slow it down, pussycat. I'm just getting out of something.
That man sure knows how to make an exit.
Not from life, but from everything else.
I gotta go, doll.
Bob's gonna drop me off at home.
Hopefully I'll land in my pool this time.
I don't know what it is, but I'm crazy about Bob.
Get it, girl.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
English - SDH