Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't use that one. It's icky.
God doesn't make mistakes very often,
but when he does,
you have to throw them right in the trash.
- Oh. - Does this make sense
To anyone else?
White dress, $30.
White wedding dress, $200.
Is there cocaine in this or something?
Yeah. The wedding industry's a racket.
Oh, you think everything is a racket.
And that is the last of it, Glenn.
Wow. Hmm.
I'm just gonna say what we all thinking.
This is pretty as hell.
Oh, it's 8:00.
Ooh, wait. Uh, hold on.
I just want to move that.
That's not in center.
That should be in center.
Oh, no, no.
Well, that was a good use of the last five hours.
- synced and corrected by hawken45 - - www.addic7ed.com -
They realize they're basically just fighting over a white net
with glitter on it, right?
Mm, I got five bucks on the blonde.
Yeah, I'll take that action.
How are there already this many go backs?
We've been open for five minutes.
Oh, I'm actually here as a customer today.
How do I look?
Ooh, wow.
Aw, that's hella nice, yo.
Yo, where's the laptops at?
We need, like, five or six of those things.
My band is playing at our wedding.
Yeah, we're gonna smash computers as part of the act
'cause, you know, like, technology.
Uh... Wow.
That sounds like an expensive celebration you're planning.
It's about 500 people.
I wanted to invite more,
but I couldn't afford any more stamps.
I bet your parents are all, like,
"Don't spend all your money on one day!
Save some for the baby."
Parents.
Nah. Five G's, son.
Yo, what's up? Making it rain!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stand down. Drop that paper, yo.
It's mine.
Where did you get all of that?
Bo got hit by a car in the seventh grade
By an old lady.
She was legally blind and super drunk.
Isn't he lucky?
Yeah, your boy here was just crossing the street,
then it was like, crash!
Oh, going to the light.
I'm like, "No god. Later.
I got stuff to accomplish. Later, light."
I pick up a phone.
"Yo, Hello, Lawyer?"
"Yo, settle out of court?
I think so. Yes."
Wha-chaah. Money.
Ha-ha!
So you just walk around with $5,000 in your pocket?
That's right. I always got that right here.
Uh-oh. Where's that five G's?
Yo, I was just kidding, dummies.
I got that right here. Oh, no.
Yo, where's it at, for real?
It's right there.
Oh.
Oh, what's up?
Good looking out, yo.
Please don't tip me.
Ma'am, I have the arm strength of a chimp,
but there is just too much real estate back here.
I'd have to dislocate your shoulder.
Do it.
Okay.
But you'll have to teach one of your bridesmaids
to do this on the day.
And they actually have money saved up,
but instead of using it to pay for the baby,
they're gonna blow it all on some big party.
What?
Two 17-year-olds are making a bad decision?
What?
I thought that only happened in the movies.
I'm just saying that I wish somebody had warned me
Not to spend so much money on a wedding.
I'm telling you.
People do not like to be told how to spend their money.
Really?
So does that mean you'll stop telling me
To call your "Dad's friend?"
That's about making you money,
and if you saw the charts that he showed me...
Oh, yeah. The charts.
Hi. Where are the twinkly white lights?
It's an outdoor ceremony, so they have to be weatherproof.
- I will take you to them. - Thank you.
Which one of you is the lucky fella?
Oh, well, actually, we both are.
I love that!
The four of you can celebrate
Your anniversary together every year.
- No... - Congratulations
- On your wedding! - Yes.
To each other.
- To... - Yeah.
Oh!
Outdoor lighting is in aisle four.
If you need anything else, just ask.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Have a heavenly day!
Thank you.
I don't know how,
but you really seem to have a handle on this whole gay,
you know...
Oh!
That's great, Mateo!
Congratulations on that.
You know, I thought you might be,
But I-I wasn't sure,
and then I forgot about it.
But now I know, and that's terrific with me.
Yeah.
Oh, bam!
I'm about to blow up this alien so bad.
Whoa. Oh.
Chey, you know babies come with lots of expenses...
Is what your dumb parents would say.
Remember, from before?
Aah, parents.
- Oh. - Yeah.
But your parents do make a good point.
Well, my mom said that we should save some money,
but then, Bo is all like, "Nah," so it's a tough call.
Dang! Those aliens are smart as hell!
You want to go back to shopping?
- Yes. - Hey, guys.
You want to play a different game?
Blam!
- Diapers! - Boom!
- Wipes! - Blast!
- Bottle warmer. - Headshot!
- More diapers. - Poo-poo!
- Breast pump. - Squirt, squirt!
- Diaper bag. - Pew, pew!
See you in hell, cute baby stuff.
Bo, you're killing them all!
And time's up.
What's up? 2,500 points!
Your boy here is getting a Charleston Chew!
Actually, those aren't points.
Those are dollars, and that's how much this stuff costs.
This stuff is $2,500?
That's, like, half of Bo's stack.
Plus a car seat and a crib and daycare,
and it just keeps coming.
Dang.
I'm gonna have to get hit by so many cars.
Maybe we should save some of our wedding money
for the future.
Huh, yeah.
You could do that.
You do have to make some sacrifices
When you're a parent.
I mean, your whole life changes.
Bo, you look weird.
Yeah. Hey.
But I think it's great
That you guys are starting to think about being...
Aah!
- Hey, look out. - Bo?
Excuse me. Oh, sorry.
Bo?
I was gonna say "responsible."
Where did you go? Please come back.
I love you.
It's Cheyenne, by the way.
Hey, you had to go freak the little dummy out?
Well, it's not my fault.
Oh, she's right.
She was just teaching us this fun game
about how expensive and scary it is to have a baby.
What if he never comes back?
He will. He's gonna come back.
He will!
And you know what?
If he doesn't,
That wouldn't be the worst thing...
Going right back at it, huh?
Okay.
You know what? Um... I'll go look for him.
Could tag along with me if you want.
That turd walked out with a Cloud 9 scanner gun.
That makes it my jurisdiction.
He is not a turd.
Oh, he's a turd.
Also, my truck has a rather unique odor,
but you should get used to it after a couple of hours.
Oh... No, thank you.
We should probably just split up, you know,
cover more ground.
Up to you. Oh...
Almost forgot my taser.
- Oh - Oh!
Okay. I'm coming with you!
Take care of her.
Uh, hey, hey. Now, now.
Now, now. There, little lady.
You're gonna... you're gonna do just fine, kiddo.
Girl.
I learned that from Wendy Williams.
If you're hungry, that can of beans is up for grabs,
But not this one.
I'm good.
Do you mind if I turn on the... where's your radio?
Oh, I special ordered my truck without one.
Yeah, it costs a little extra,
but it makes the vehicle less appealing to thieves
'cause no one wants a truck without a radio.
Name a song, though. I'll sing it for you.
- That's okay. - No, no, go ahead.
I got a photographic memory for music.
Okay, um...
"Single Ladies."
Not familiar with that one.
- "Uptown Funk." - Don't know it.
- "Dancing Queen." - Nope.
"Thriller?"
Michael Jackson?
You can't name a song by some guy
you went to middle school with.
It has to be popular.
I can't be a single mom.
I have never even driven on the highway before.
What if the baby needs to go downtown?
Okay, again, Bo is coming back, all right?
And when he does, you're gonna have a cart full
of hella radical wedding stuff to show him.
Yeah, like these little ass pillows
to put the rings on 'cause they're important.
Bo once threw up on a pillow
at my Grandma's retirement party.
Everything I see reminds me of how amazing he was.
Okay. Surprising triggers.
We'll pick for you. What do you think?
Pfft...
This one. Done.
Moving on.
- Ooh. - What? What's up?
It's a little burlapy.
She's getting married, not shipping coffee.
Ah.
Why don't we just go with this one?
Well, you know what? Your call.
Do you want to go warm and rustic like this burlap one
Or generic, kind of unoriginal?
I guess warm and rustic.
Warm and rustic! All right.
- We got ourself a pillow. - Okay.
Next up on the wedding train, "Guest Books".
Okay.
I feel terrible about how I handled things earlier
with your friends.
Friends? Oh, they're not... no.
- They're not my friends, dude. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Gay BFFs?
I don't know the lingo.
Look, I just want everyone who comes into this store
to feel accepted.
But do you know that in this entire sale,
there is not one section dedicated to gay weddings?
Gay people use the same decorations as straight people.
We just use 'em better.
That's my point exactly.
I mean, they should not have to conform
to someone's... Hel... hetero normal ideal
of what a wedding should be.
Would you be willing to help me put something together?
Of course.
Great.
We're gonna take those guy's minds and blow them.
I don't know if just randomly driving around is a good idea.
Where do teenagers go?
Prom.
Is there a prom around?
No, I just meant that we should think like a teenager.
Ah, yeah.
Hey, Mom, get out of my room.
You don't understand my generation.
Pimples.
It's not helping.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Is that him?
Hey! Hey!
Stop! It's him, it's him.
Speed up. Go, go, go.
Bo!
Hey, Bo!
We just want to talk! Stop!
That's one of our carts.
What? Who cares? Bo!
What are you doing?
Who cares?
I care.
Hey.
That is Cloud 9 store property!
No, it's not.
Dina! He's getting away!
Bo!
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
- Give it to me. - Hey it's not your cart!
You know, on second thought,
I don't think that is one of our carts.
So what are we thinking for lunch?
Sandwiches? Burritos?
Indian? Tapas?
What is up with you?
Do you even want to find Bo?
Yes, of course I do.
Just... Maybe not right away.
I'm really not anxious to get back to the wedding day sale,
Okay?
Just seeing all those women celebrating,
Having found someone,
and I'm not getting any younger.
- Kind of a bummer. - Well, it can be hard to date.
If you'd seen some of the guys I dated.
Gay. Racist.
Mean. Redhead.
That was all one guy.
Oh, I've dated some losers.
I dated this one guy
Who would only speak in Monty Python quotes.
The last guy I dated only hung out with me
to play chess with my dad,
and the guy before that was just using me for my freezer.
I dated three guys
who were dating me just to get close to my friend, Rene,
and Rene wasn't even that hot.
Whatever. This is not about Rene.
Well, Rene sounds like a sack of crap.
She was. Thank you.
I just call it like I see it.
Yes.
There is... A guy at work
That things have been getting pretty intense with.
Really? Who?
Well, I don't want to talk about my personal life
with coworkers, but I will say
that there has been some very heavy flirtation happening.
I've been changing my shirt multiple times a day
just 'cause of all the pit stains.
Steamy stuff.
How's this?
It's nice.
But is it gay enough?
I don't want to be kicking myself later
that we should have gone more gay.
Let's err on the side of gay.
It feels appropriately gay.
Good.
You know, I have to say,
You're much more open-minded than I thought.
Thank you.
People assume all Christians are homophobes.
You know, that is ignorant.
You can't imagine how hard it is being stereotyped.
- Sure. - I mean, if anything,
Jesus went out of his way to accept everyone.
- Agreed. - Yeah.
I think Jesus would've been pro gay marriage.
Absolutely.
He would've been pro-gay adoption.
For all we know, Jesus himself was gay.
So it's Tuesday, right?
That means... that means Wednesday's coming.
Mm. Shake?
No, thanks. Vegan.
- Huh. - Yeah.
You know, we can keep looking for Bo,
but the guy can't bike forever,
especially not with those quads.
What don't you like him?
Is it the mustache?
No.
I got married at 19.
I know what they're in for.
I mean, you miss out on a lot of stuff.
I mean, you get stuff too, obviously,
but the money's always tight,
and you're five steps ahead of where you should be
but also five steps behind where you should've been.
But the mustache is bad, right?
Strawberry blondes should not be allowed to grow facial hair.
No.
That should be in our constitution.
Yeah.
Well, we should probably go back.
God, I hope the brides have cleared out.
You know, no one's really gonna notice
if we're gone another hour or two.
Well, what would we do?
Um...
Oh, we could pamper ourselves.
Oh, yeah.
The place is way fancier
than my usual spot.
Moist towelettes to wipe up the gunpowder.
Man, I feel like a princess.
I think I saw a turquoise one.
Boom, cake stand.
Silver-plated, lace bows.
This is all kinds of elegant.
If someone came up to you with a wheelbarrow full of elegance,
you'd have to be like, "Sorry, Homie".
"We ass-deep in elegance."
That's really pretty.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, no.
That would be... really,
it'd be perfect for a traditional wedding cake.
- Yeah. - But we were talking more of,
like, a dessert pot luck kind of a thing.
For a wedding? That seems a little adventurous.
Jonah says a lot of weddings are doing more DIY elements.
We're just looking for something a little more
specifically curated to Cheyenne and Bo's...
Ugh, that word.
You said I could say "curated" once a week.
I chose now as my time.
Honestly, as long as Bo is there, I don't even...
Yeah, no, no, no. Totally, totally, totally.
I'm just saying, I don't think a wedding
needs to be stuck in stodgy, old traditions.
Right, better to have the wedding in a treehouse,
drinking artisanal cocktails out of a tuba.
A DIY element does add a certain personal touch to it.
It's a trend, like dancing down the aisle.
You know, it's like, "I'm eating flan."
"I'm eating a baklava."
Why couldn't we just have a nice, classy cake
like civilized human beings?
Give my taste buds a passport
because they're going around the world.
Let's go over some basics.
You're gonna take your mag.
The flat part is actually gonna go towards the back of the gun.
My favorite uncle was a cop.
He got me a .22 for my Quinceañera.
Here, I thought you were just
the second-hottest girl at work.
Hey, you should come with me to celebrity night sometime.
They put pictures on the targets.
I don't want to brag, but last week,
Kristen Stewart was my bitch.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, it's really satisfying.
I think tomorrow they're doing the whole cast of "Scandal."
So, you just gonna walk out on your fiancé?
You think that's "Where it's at?"
Kinda. Okay.
Like, everyone cool I know has done that.
Most rappers. Literally every athlete.
You know what?
Cheyenne is better off without you.
What's this?
"Bo Derek Thompson.
"Suma Cum Laude, Harvard medical school.
Chief of Cardiology, Johns Hopkins."
Yo, some of that's left over
from the computer template or whatever.
Wait, this is what you were doing all day?
You were handing out resumes?
And your name is Bo Derek?
Yeah, it's like you said. Parenting's expensive.
Got to make some paper for that baby coming, be a man.
"Managing editor of vogue, 1972-1981."
I'm impressed, actually.
Oh no, Amy. This is all lies.
Oh, what a surprise.
You picked a white dress. What a curveball.
'Cause that's exactly what a wedding should be,
A series of curveballs.
You guys, it's really sweet that you care,
but both dresses are fugly.
I just think that your tastes are
a little more along the lines of my grandmother's.
Okay, well, I just think that
your tastes are a little more along the lines
of a Wiccan space queen.
What?
What's your dream wedding, anyway?
A bunch of people sweating in a field
while some jag reads from "The Velveteen Rabbit?"
What's your dream wedding?
A beige Toyota Camry driven by a white guy named Matthew?
- What is that supposed to mean? - You know!
What do you say? You want to look like my Aunt Linda?
You cannot get married in a green bean.
Right this way.
Welcome. We are happy you're here.
You guys made this?
It's really nice.
You think this is nice?
You better buckle in
'cause the party is just getting started.
It is? We didn't discuss... okay.
oh.
Pose yourself. There's nothing like it.
Vogue!
- Wow. - Vogue.
Glenn, this isn't what we agreed on!
I made a few tweaks.
I turned my safe search up to the max
and then Googled, "world's gayest parties."
Wow.
Listen. He's trying.
He's your dad, two years ago.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
This was great.
Thank you so much.
- You're welcome. - Oh, another one.
Wow.
- Get those hands up. - All right.
Whoa.
You look like a princess.
You like it?
It's from the Farrah Abraham collection.
Who's Farrah Abraham?
Teen mom, porn star.
You'd recognize her.
Don't run away again.
I won't.
Now we got a bunch to figure out.
But no matter what, you and me
are gonna throw a baller-ass wedding,
raise up a baller-ass shorty,
and have a baller-ass life.
I think you just wrote our vows.
I give them six months.
I don't know.
Maybe they'll surprise us.
Now, let's bleed some green! Yeah.
Come and get a... take a little shower in this stuff!
Or not.
Let 'em start out with a fun party.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way,
What we were talking about earlier, if you tell anyone,
I will staple your...
It'll stay between friends.
Thanks.
Ear to the wall.
You interrupted, but that's what I'll staple.
Just know that.
Hey.
Hey, Jonah.
God, you are so funny.
Oh, shoot.
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