So, to be clear, you want delivery from this diner?
Yes, I do know what delivery means, do you know what E. Coli means?
Where do you live?
If he eats from here, in his bathroom, in about an hour.
Will you be needing napkins? Utensils? The number for Poison Control?
Well, good luck. The delivery boy's on his way.
Oh, this is good.
I need the exercise, I feel like I'm getting a little chubby.
Oh, I know, I can see it through those shorts.
I was a delivery boy in Vietnam.
I mostly delivered bad news, like, "That hooker was a dude."
Here's the tuna salad, and hurry.
Like that astronaut who drove across the country in a diaper,
it's not gonna travel well.
See you later, haters. And remember, Earl's in charge while I'm gone.
Earl's in charge?
Okay, I have a business degree, he has all three types of diabetes.
But I get it.
I'll be gone for 20.
Speaking of 420, Max, you wanna go smoke some weed?
The man in charge just sparked up a doobie.
But I get it.
And I'm about to get it.
Oh, no, am I in charge forever?
Who the hell parked a Rascal in a bike lane?
Uh...
That's my bad.
It almost destroyed my helmet!
I know, I can see it through those shorts.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
And this is the sprinkle station, last stop on the cupcake train.
And this is the cash register, where there'll be money someday.
And this is Max, the other half of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
Your little movie is about to be rated R for strong, brutal violence.
Stop filming me.
I'm not filming, I'm Periscoping.
Isn't Periscoping when you do mouth stuff on a guy
while he keeps a lookout for the cops?
Not all sex has to involve the threat of an arrest, Max.
Periscope is a social media app that streams live videos to your followers.
Tell everyone in Brooklyn who loves food festivals
that we'll be at the Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.
Or you could follow me into the bathroom while I change
and they can see some "Bushwick" right now.
Max, this is great PR, that's Public Relations, not Puerto Rican.
I know you were disappointed when I took you to that PR seminar
and there were no cockfights.
I liked the Internet when the only thing you could do
was look at cat pictures, and find out how old John Stamos is.
He turned 53 in August.
You know what's sad? I'm too old to date him.
If Periscope is such great PR, how many viewers did you just have?
One. But maybe it was a really important one.
Really loving your Periscope presence, Caroline.
Okay, it's a small build.
I still maintain that Periscoping will be great for our business.
For the record, I was filming my "business"
way before it was called Periscoping.
Hey, everybody.
Oleg, I picked up your dry cleaning, and good news.
They were able to get the raspberry stains out of your banana hammock.
Oh, Lord, now who's gonna dry-clean my mouth?
So, you picked up my dry cleaning instead of my cousin from the airport?
Your cousin's in town? That's weird, I didn't get an alert on my phone.
Sophie, how could you forget?
This is why we started doing Sudoku.
I thought that you started doing Sudoku 'cause she was hot and willing.
I've got a lot on my mind. I'm trying to design our future baby.
See, girls, I read this article that says you can spin sperm
to get rid of the bad stuff.
So, Oleg's not gonna be the father?
It's true. There's a new technology where you can select the baby's genes.
I miss selecting jeans.
Now I just reach into the three-dollar bin and hope for the best.
Well, I'm gonna spin that jazz till I get a girl baby
with green eyes, and Jennifer Aniston's second nose
and... And my butt.
Why can't we get pregnant the natural way?
Up against the fence.
Hello, I'm Gortak.
You look familiar.
Didn't you rape a dragon on Game of Thrones?
- Gortak! There's my little cousin. - Aye!
I think my iPhone case is made out of Gortak.
Hi, I'm Oleg's wife, Sophie.
And you're one tall drink of yak's milk.
You know it, baby. And he's taking that "tall" right to the bank.
Gortak just signed to play pro basketball.
No way!
Basketball is my favorite sport, next to bum wrestling.
I'm in town for a game against Brooklyn.
Brooklyn's my team.
They stink.
Yeah, well, I relate to anybody who's not doing that great.
Hey, I'm Max. I used to shoot around in juvie.
We played arsonists versus attempted murderers.
I did a lot of ribbon dancing.
Caroline's kind of the Screech of the group.
And here comes Mr. Belding.
Max, it's almost your shift, why haven't you changed into your uniform?
It's almost spring, why haven't you changed into a butterfly?
Han, this is my cousin, Gortak.
Gortak, this is bolshoi jackass boss.
Ya govoril vam o nem. Takzhe virgin.
Little People, Big World.
I didn't catch all of that, but I didn't love what I caught.
Oleg, do you and your Sophie want to come to the game tomorrow night?
- I have two tickets. - Oh, perfect timing.
As of yesterday, I'm allowed to be within 50 feet of cheerleaders.
Yeah, no, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm out.
You know, tonight I have to genetically modify a person
while I watch The Good Wife.
Take me, Oleg.
Which is the only time you will ever hear me say that.
Good idea, Max. Sophie would be pissed if I took a lady.
But, Max, what about our plans? I don't want to taste Bushwick alone.
Then don't have more than three drinks.
And don't get in the back of anybody's Isuzu.
You're pretty dressed up.
You know, "food festival" is just code for eating outside next to garbage cans.
Maybe I should come.
Well, I say, "Dress for the job you want."
I would, but I don't know what the people who test out
all the new potato chip flavors wear.
Cheeseburger Pringles? Yes.
Hey, girls.
Look at my baby board.
I feel like we're finally getting close to something I can work with.
You know, I really started to flow once I threw away the Anne Hathaway forehead.
That is the scariest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, well, good thing you didn't see it with the Hathaway forehead.
I love baby number two. But I know Oleg still wants to be surprised.
Why don't you give us all a nice surprise and brush his teeth while he's sleeping.
Right?
Yes.
All right, here, Max, Oleg can't go to the game.
Our baby appointment got changed till tomorrow,
and we gotta get working on the baby body.
Oh, you know what, that reminds me.
Max, do you have a picture of your boobs?
Oh, you know what, I'll get it from Oleg.
I can't believe I have two tickets!
Ooh! I'm gonna call Earl. It'd be fun to go with a friend.
Would it hurt you to ask me to go to the game?
You know I'm not gonna say "yes."
- Do you want to go to the game? - Yes.
Wow! That surprised me, too.
These are VIP tickets from an actual player.
This could be better than Bushwick.
I mean, lots of celebrities go to those games.
Where are the flyers? I bet we could get a lot of business there.
No, we are not doing business.
Tonight is supposed to be fun.
Well, I find business fun, but, okay.
One day you will appreciate my ambition.
And one day I will try lettuce, but not tonight.
No flyers.
- No flyers. - No flyers.
I just think this is a missed opportunity.
"Missed Opportunity" was my stripper name at the Salty Dog.
Look, I don't wanna work tonight.
Which also happened to be my catchphrase.
These can't be VIP seats.
I haven't been this winded since I climbed the social ladder at theater camp.
These seats are great.
I usually sit in the parking lot around a trash fire, singing doo-wop.
It's just, I've never sat in the last row before.
My father made sure I was always in the front.
Broadway, Fashion Week, his criminal trial.
My father got me front row seats to the Inability To Love awards.
I'll try and let this go, but I'm just saying,
we could have gone to the Taste of Bushwick,
and we'd still be closer to the court.
I love the taste of bushwick.
I don't care for it much.
Hi, I'm June and this is Dianne.
We're sort of the "mayors" of Section Y. Been to every game.
I'm Max, this is Caroline.
You guys want a finger?
We're just friends.
Do you want a finger?
Sure. We'll take one if you've got an extra.
And how 'bout that hot dog? You still working on that?
Max, you don't know where that finger has been.
What do you mean?
It's been in a box in my car.
Yeah, Caroline. This finger's been in her box, out in the car.
What part of that don't you get?
Careful, that beer cost more than I spent on underwear last year.
I don't like it up here.
I don't even like beer. It's so bloaty.
Come on. It's not that bad.
Oh, really? Then why is that guy shaving?
Well, obviously he's got a very important job interview
as conductor of the crazy train.
Max, our seats are in a shantytown.
I think somebody tried to sell me a hubcap on the way up the stairs.
Ooh, how much?
Can I borrow those binoculars so I can look at something that's not this?
Max, oh, my God, look at all the VIPs down there.
Well, someone's "VIPeeing," right over there.
Max, I wanna be down there.
I know what you need.
Want a finger?
Look, a rich couple fighting courtside.
Whoa! He's storming off. She's storming off.
You should do play-by-play on the I Don't Care Network.
Come on, let's go steal their seats.
What? I like where I am.
My ears already popped. We're settled here.
That's the difference between us, Max. I don't settle.
Until I'm like 42. And then I might have to marry someone shorter than me.
I, on the other hand, love settling.
My first words were, "Eh, it's fine."
Look, all we have to do is make a few smart, strategic moves,
and a better opportunity awaits.
- Please? - All right.
Sorry, ladies, she wants me to go down with her.
Just tell her you got a headache.
Okay, just act like we belong in the VIP section.
I can't believe the limo driver took that wrong turn,
and that's why we're late to the game, and thus, our seats.
You forgot to mention that we took "thus" bus here.
The point is, we made it. I am back where I belong.
Can you just smell the money down here?
I think that's Gortak's ball sweat.
Hello, ladies, who magically appeared in the second quarter.
Can I see your tickets?
Oh!
What?
These are my tickets to most places.
Our tickets? Of course, let me just find them in here.
- Here they are. - Oh, sorry about the popcorn.
I'm used to it, you rich people are pigs.
Max, I haven't been called a "rich pig" in five years.
This is pretty cool.
I told that Chinese lady up top with the backpack full of loose carrots
I'd be back, but I don't think so.
Oh, my God, I should totally Periscope this
so people think we're big shots.
We are so close, I could get my nose broken by a ball.
And I could meet the doctor who fixes your broken nose.
Everything is working out.
Oh, my God. We are in the same row as Jay Z and Beyoncé.
And they brought Blue Ivy.
I can't believe I'm seeing our royal family.
I can't believe I'm touching the court with my feet.
Maybe I should just drag my butt across it like a dog. Is that too far?
Oh, my God, Beyoncé just made eye contact with me.
She sees me every time she looks "to the left, to the left."
I should get them one of our flyers.
Luckily, I always keep an emergency flyer.
That, and a key to my old house, in case this all turns out to be a dream.
That's my dream, too.
Ooh! Here comes the nanny.
Fran Drescher is here?
No, Blue Ivy's nanny.
I'll get her our flyer.
Excuse me, miss, in the drop-crotch sweatpants?
- Go, go, go! Ten seconds. - Miss, wait, can you take this?
- Max, she took our flyer. Success! Whoa! - Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Max, what did you do?
I took you to a basketball game, like an idiot.
And now I'm about to run.
What is our endgame here, Max?
Are we hiding, are we fleeing?
I just want to know what we're ugly-walking toward.
Do I look like a person with an endgame?
Also, you ended the game.
Angry mob aside, the good news is, I did manage to get that flyer
to Blue Ivy's people.
The bad news is, you created the biggest disaster in sports,
since Magic Johnson's talk show.
Someone's coming.
Well, you said you wanted more followers. Now you have them in real life.
Oh, my God.
This is where the 17th-best team in the league gets naked.
Also where it ends for ol' Max and Caroline.
What? It's not like the players come right into the locker room after the game.
Oh, my God, the players come right into the locker room after the game.
Of course, we'd be in here, this is so us.
You know what else is so us?
Me stealing one of these jerseys.
Let's do the interview in the locker room.
Crap, they're coming in here.
We can't be the face of this, Max.
We'll be the most hated business in Brooklyn.
And I'm including the new breakfast restaurant
with the valet stroller parking.
This is where the 17th-best team in the league goes number one.
And from the looks of it, their aim isn't good in here, either.
Those girls were crazy, man. They cost us the game.
We were almost the 16th-best team in the league.
How'd they get into the VIP section?
I was wondering the same thing about Tim Allen.
Yo, man, take a look at this thing on my back.
Does it look like cancer?
It just seemed like more than a mole, you know?
Actually, it looks like a pre-cancerous basal cell.
We should get a better look in the light in the bathroom.
Here, over here. Get in the ice bath tub. It's big enough for two.
"Big enough for two"?
That's what Chili's said about their new coconut mozzarella sticks,
but swing and a miss.
You went to Chili's and didn't tell me?
I was afraid you'd try to get us a better table.
Oh, yeah, I'd definitely get that thing checked out.
Yo, I gotta ice this knee.
Of course, they'd pour the ice on us.
And of course this would happen here,
'cause it's the 17th-worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh, you two sick?
Stay away from me, I can't get sick.
When you're 78,
it takes about two days to go from sniffles to being eaten by your cat.
We'll be fine.
If half a Tylenol can cure full-body hypothermia.
Max, I feel like you're still mad at me
for wanting more for us than bad seats and a struggling business.
Of course I'm mad.
I haven't been this cold since that winter I was on Deadliest Catch.
Well, I got a waste can of baby faces that I'm not gonna use.
Yeah, turns out we're not gonna design our baby anymore.
But, what about wanting it to have a delicate chin? And a thigh gap?
You know, girls, I realized I just want to have a healthy, happy baby.
You know, it's like my Aunt Ruffa said, after she lost her tongue.
You know...
You know, which roughly translates to,
"You get what you get and you don't get upset."
That's a really mature decision.
The doctor wanted 60 grand.
Yeah, and that affected our decision, too.
Well, maybe letting things happen naturally is the way to go.
Because sometimes when you force things,
you put a $130 million worth of basketball players on the disabled list.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll