Hey, did I tell you guys my new year's resolution yet?
Is it to keep dressing like a junior high school orchestra teacher?
Ha ha ha. No, Danny. It's to make sure that other
people's words don't hurt me anymore, and that's not going great.
Whoa, whoa! Easy, Miss Booze Face.
I thought your new year's resolution was to not drink so much wine.
This, road you're heading down, does it feel safe?
Do you want some more wine, then?
I don't know. Last year Shelly's resolution was to get healthier,
and he kind of crushed it.
Oh yeah, you guys and to celebrate, he wants to burst through a poster of his
older self like they do on "The Biggest Loser."
So, everybody...
Let's give a nice warm welcome for 100 pounds lighter, Shelly!
Well, I hope you guys more posters because I want to do that all day!
Wow, 100 pounds. That's like losing an entire Candace.
I helped him exercise. I put a picture of Nicki Minaj's
butt on a treadmill and watched him chase it all day long.
He was like a dog trying to catch a car. If he ever caught
that butt, I don't think he'd know what to do with it.
Oh, yes, I would.
Well, I'm really lucky 'cause I don't have to work out. I'm fit anyway.
I'm like one of those Greek sculptures you know?
You know, those guys that are always feeding someone that you can't see.
Leather pants, coming in hot!
Come on Charlotte, I told you not to borrow my leather pants.
Now the hips are going to be too big.
So is the crotch.
Oh! Those pants are so cool.
You're like some sexy warrior princess except I can see your
pierce in a terrifying place.
That's actually a locket with a picture of my grandma.
Aw!
Honey, it's not.
Listen, would you like it if I wore pants like that?
Are you kidding, if you wore pants like that, it would make my day.
- I'm not hot already? - No, no, no.
Ha ha, you didn't let me finish. It would make my day terrible
because I love you exactly the way you are.
Guys, Justin totally thinks that I should be sexier.
Okay. Wait, that's going to be my new year's resolution.
So, starting right now, I'm going to be like, bam! Crazy sexy!
Yeah, you go ahead and start whenever you're ready.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
_
I mean being sexy is easy, Candace.
You must have a sexy walk or something.
I don't know. You tell me.
No. No, you do not.
Hey, Candace, as luck would have it, I'm right here, okay?
And I can make even the most mundane, boring thing sexy as heck, okay?
Take texting, for example.
And also eating a pretzel.
Oopsy Daisy.
And you know what? Don't get me started, when it
comes to the bedroom, huh? No, no, no.
Do not get me started, right? No, no, no.
No, no, no. I am hankie panky.
I am hankie panky. Anyway...
If I asked you to honestly rate me sexually in the bedroom,
- what would you say? - Danny, I really... I don't
want to do this right now.
Come on. Come on. Look, if I asked you to rate me sexually.
You know what? Rate me on a scale from Justin to Danny. Okay?
Danny, obviously being the best.
And Justin being too ugly to even make the scale.
Come on. 1 to 10.
Uh... Six?
Someone call Anthony Bourdain because this is delicious.
So um, I'm a six?
Look at it this way, Danny.
Together combined, we're a total of seven.
Look, I mean our sex life is good, you know.
I'm sure every girl loves the danger of doing it on the floor
of your roommate's bedroom while he sleeps just inches away.
What? I thought that was a dream.
Look, Danny. You're good at like wild, like crazy sex.
You're just not good at making love or stand-up comedy.
We'll work on it.
Yeah. No, that's all good.
It's super cool. I'm just going to...
I'm going to head out. I got to go to my... got to go to my special place, you know?
Where is he going?
Oh, well, when Danny is this upset, he likes to go to the
movies and make other people feel as miserable as he does.
So you guys excited to see the new "Star Wars" movie?
Han Solo dies!
You guys are dorks! You're dorks!
[Indistinct]
I can't believe that she said I was a six. All right?
You know what, seriously, these hips, they never slow down.
I mean sometimes they even wake up in the morning before I do.
Hey, come on. Hips, it's too early. Go watch cartoons or something.
All right, all right. I'm up, I'm up.
This is the worst day of my life.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Shelly, how many times are you going to do that?
Till I run out of posters.
Listen, Charlotte didn't say you weren't good at sex.
She said you didn't know how to make love.
What's the difference?
Danny, making love is beautiful.
It's poetry. It's Shakespeare.
- No, no, don't do Shakespeare. - Love is a smoke, grazed with
a fume of sighs, being purged, a fire dancing in lover' eyes.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
a choking gall and a preserving sweet.
But there's poems for sex as well.
So that's more like: "yo, what's up, let's get nude."
Wham, Bam, thank you, dude.
I think love is more than just smashing genitals.
It's smashing hearts too.
Charlotte just wants some intimacy.
Oh... What is int-i-macy?
Okay. Please don't do that thing where
you act like you've never heard of a word just because you're uncomfortable
Is int-i-macy when somebody
gives you their wi-fi password?
We all know that you got it going on in the boudoir.
Stop it!
But, Charlotte, you need to connect with her on a deeper level.
You know, with Candace, sometimes before we
make love, I make love with her before I even take our clothes off.
Here, I'll show you. You be Candace.
Yeah, I don't... I don't want to be Candace.
Shh, shh, shh.
Okay, Candace. Now look into my eyes.
Look how much I care about you.
How much I need you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell was that?
I believe that was an emotional orgasm.
Okay. Well, I'm going to go light myself on fire....
Look, Danny, I've never made love either.
Okay? But you've got this chance with Charlotte, so don't blow it.
Even if I wanted to be int-i-macy,
I wouldn't even know where to start.
Just start slow. Next time you're watching TV, try cuddling.
Just pretend you're a koala hugging a tree.
All right. Got it. Hug her like a koala.
Yeah, I hate cuddling.
Are you kidding me? I live for cuddling.
- Cuddling is the best part. - Seriously?
No. I'm just trying to make a point.
The best part is making that ass clap.
Well, I guess I just have to accept that I'm never going to be sexy.
I really wish Shelly was here to give me a hug right now.
You never know. He could be back there.
Hey, Shelly, there are professional wrestlers and marijuana out here.
Nope, not here.
Candace, we can totally help you be sexy.
Okay? Like the way that Danny likes me
to be sexy is I'll laugh at his jokes or wear a cute shirt, or
- I'll show him close-ups of my junk. - Whoa!
- Nudies? - Yes.
Yeah...
Why haven't I thought about that before?
Oh, wait, because I don't hate myself.
Do you have any special talents?
For example, I'm very good at acronyms.
It's when you take the first letter of every word in a
sentence. I can do that fast.
I'm sure some women find that sexy.
What the hell are you talking about?
- W-T-H-A-Y-T-A. - I'm sorry.
- No one on earth finds that sexy. - I-S-N-O-E-F... that sexy.
Okay. Let me show you this. Well, arch your back.
Squeeze your boobs together with your arms.
Then sit like you're sitting on a bar stool that's just a little bit too high
And then pout like a sexy duck.
Do you have any suggestions?
Candace, it should make you feel sexy that a great guy is
crazy about you. That's how it makes me feel, and
no I don't want to talk about it right now.
N-I-D-W-T-A-I... Come on, you know...?
Just be confident and do something unexpected, okay?
Say "surprise" and grab him, and kiss him really hard.
I don't know if I could do that.
You can. Here, demonstrate on me.
Oh my god. Is this really going to happen?
The ratings are going to go through the roof.
Oh!
Surprise.
I'm going to need a little more wine before we do this.
***
Eh, you like this so much?
I mean it's not my favorite thing but...
Come on, I'm being int-i-macy.
I'm hugging you like a koala bear.
Okay. If you want to be intimate, I am so in. Hold me.
Yeah, you know what? This is not for me.
Okay? What is it about girls that they just want to change who you are, you know?
They'll be like, oh, are you really good at spontaneous wild sex? You are?
Well, you know what, stop being like that and instead be a stupid koala bear.
I'm sorry. I don't think this int-i-macy thing is for me.
People can't change.
People totally change for each other all the time.
Look, Candace is out being sexy for Justin right now, and I'm sure it's going great.
Here's your coffee.
- Why are you looking at me weird? - Surprise!
Oh! Are you okay?
Are you okay? You knocked out my toof.
What? I was trying to be sexy.
Aaargh! I'm so mad that there's nothing else I can spoil anymore.
Thank God.
You know what? At the end of "Making a Murderer," Steve Avery is guilty!
You telling me they put a white man in jail? Now, that is a twist.
I can't believe I knocked out your tooth.
Candathe, ith okay. It doesn't even hurt. It's a cap.
I'm so embarrassed.
- Oh, my God. - Don't be Candathe.
No, don't call me Candace. Call me something else.
Thweetie.
Excuse me, seriously? Are you laughing because this is all your fault.
I should have known not to take sexy advice from the old maid.
I will eat your ass for breakfast!
That came out wrong.
You know what, you got me so mad.
You tricked me into being int-i-macy.
Dude, now I'm all insecure and nervous, and I can't handle it.
That's how I feel all the time.
That's intimacy.
Okay. If you say one more word, this is going in your face.
Okay. You feel that passion?
You feel that? If we were to have sex right now
for the firth time, you'd be making love.
Okay.
- That's for calling me old. - Aarrgh!
This is for showing me pictures of your woo-woo!
And this is ruining "Making a Murderer"!
Drink fight!
W-S-A-B-A-O-O.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
He's right.
Okay. This is my fault.
I got upset, and I freaked out Charlotte.
I'm really sorry that I said those things to you.
Your woo-woo is beautiful.
And, Justin, I just wanted to be sexy for you.
What? Are you kidding me? You're the sexiest girl alive.
Danny, you need to be more like Candace.
You should call vaginas "woo-woos"?
No. She never gives up.
That's the difference between good couples and bad couples.
- Good couples keep trying. - That's right.
And I'm going to keep trying. Next up, sexy lip bite.
Look, Charlotte, here, come here. I remember once you said that
your favorite scene from any romantic movie is "The Notebook",
when Ryan Gosling kisses that big forehead girl in the rain.
I just, uh, mh-hm...
Hey, Brett, you got any rain for us?
I can give you a little bit of Sprite.
Come here.
Okay, listen, I know that I can be annoying sometimes but uh...
- Yeah. - Yeah, I know, I know.
But I just want to tell you I really, really like dating you.
And that's how you make love.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --