(Joe) Previously on Neon Joe, Werewolf He-yump...
I know we're all very upset about what happened last night.
Watch out! Oh, God! (all screaming)
My customers freaked out when they heard that!
I am devoting my life
to killing that werewolf.
My name is Neon Joe, werewolf hunter.
I just wanted to help Neon Joe find the werewolf
so he'd leave town!
He's gonna find out the truth about us!
♪
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com
Episode 01x02 "Neon Nights"
All right. Thank you, Brooklyn Bobby.
Quick slice break
and then back to the 9:00-to-he-yump.
Hey, fuh-slice-aboutit.
Brooklyn Bobby, you probably want to hear
about my back story, don't you?
Yeah, I'd like to hear a little bit about it about it.
- (Man) Me, too! - Yeah, maybe some day.
You gonna have to earn that trust.
Why'd he ask me about it about it?
(scoffs)
♪
He-yump?
What's going on he-yump?
Cleave attempted suicide.
Put his mouth on the bumper of a van and tried to swallow it.
♪
Hey, Cleave.
Hi, Neon Joe, werewolf hunter.
Oh, I tell you what.
I want you to think of me as Neon Bro, sadness punter.
Right now, you need a colonoscopy
of the butt area of your mind.
What kind of sadness can I punt out of there?
I really wanted to kill that werewolf.
It's my chance to finally be something in this town
and have people look up to me and -- and be a hero...
like you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am a hero.
Better than every single person in this here town.
Take a look, Cleave, right over he-yump.
That all the simple folk in Garrity, including you.
You in this group.
And you got a couple cool guys in town.
They a little bit better than all you bumpkins.
They right he-yump.
And you got Neon Joe come to town.
Super cool, dangerous, sexy.
He all the way up he-yump. And look at that.
Even the coolest guy in Garrity way below Joe,
and you below the cool guys.
Feel better?
No.
(Joe) I want to thank you all for agreeing to cheer up Cleave.
We gonna stage ourselves A fake werewolf hunt
that's gonna culminate with Cleave "killing the werewolf"
and becoming "hero of the town."
Now, Barrett, You gonna be the werewolf.
Sonny and Jane, you gonna be the victims that Cleave save.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy.
We're not auditioning for parts?
'cause I do a pretty good werewolf.
(snarls, roars)
Yeah, that's cute. I'm sure he gonna be fine.
(growls)
♪ Aah! ♪
Now, Barrett, I like what you're doing,
But -- But really get your body into it.
And give yourself an inner monologue,
something like, "Erect beams of milky, white light
burst from the fully engorged moon.
Full of bloodlust as he gazed up at the throbbing orb
and said, 'Fill me with your sin.
'Take me now!'" (howls)
Now...
♪ Aah! ♪
Yeah, I like that. That real nice.
Sheriff, 10:45 tomorrow morning, You get Cleave,
You got to Fuh-Slice-Aboutit's pizza.
You gonna tell 'em Neon Joe found a werewolf hiding spot,
and he want you to help personally with killing it.
Me, Sonny, Jane, and Barrett, we gonna be in the woods.
I'm gonna text you he-yump, and you bring Cleave
a-he-yump, he-yump, he-yump, he-yump, he-yump...he-yump.
Uh, how do you spell "he-yump"?
It just like it sound. He-yump.
All right, now, we gonna give Cleave my guns.
Now, the guns, they gonna have blanks.
Ain't nobody gonna get hurt.
Sonny and Jane, covered in blood,
Gonna come running out of the woods,
going, "Oh, help! Oh, help!
"Oh, he-yump! He-yump! He-yump"
Then Barrett come running down the path, going...
♪ Nnnaah! ♪
Cleave be all like, "[bleep] you, werewolf!"
Bam, bam!
And the werewolf gonna go, "Oh!"
Cleave gonna be, "Yeah, I did it!"
We gonna call this Operation Can't go wrong.
One, two, three!
-Can't go wrong. -Operation Can't go wrong!
A'ight, we'll get it organized.
See you in the morning.
-Neon Joe? -Yes, Jane?
When we see you tomorrow for operation Can't go wrong...
Mm-hmm?
Should we refer to you as Neon Joe,
or should I call you Halston Thromboux?
♪
(Joe) Boy, good, old tip shades.
I ain't seen one of these in a long time.
How'd you figure out I was Halston Thromboux?
Your werewolf monologue.
"He tipped his shades, staring down at her
-"Fully engorged." -"fully engorged moon-like teats."
-"She gazed at his throbbing orb" -"Throbbing orb."
"screaming, 'Fill me with your sin.
-"'Take me now!'" -Take me now! (howls)
Oh!
"The adventures of Tip Shades"
is the finest series of erotica I have ever read.
-Oh. - Have them all --
Tip for Tat, He Tips to Conquer.
Well, looky he-yump.
Tippy Longshading,
Tip of Shades Mountain, and, oh, one of my favorites,
The Shadesman Always Tip Twice.
(both chuckle) For the longest time,
I've been wondering why you never finished the series.
There were always supposed to be 69 books,
but there was only 68.
What happened?
♪
Guess I got a little too busy hunting werewolf.
(wolf howls)
Didn't have much time for hobbies.
I don't see how something as important
as "The Adventures of Tip Shades"
could be considered just a hobby!
Anyway, Halston Thromboux right here in my B&B!
You know, I run an erotica book club.
We're meeting here tonight.
Oh, it'd be a real thrill for everyone if you came by.
I'll be a little busy getting ready for Cleave's wolf hunt.
Oh.
But, uh, I suppose Halston Thromboux
can find some time for some of his thromboniacs.
Oh! (giggles)
(both screeching)
So, anyway, like I was saying,
there is no way I wouldn't have been cast as the werewolf
if we had auditioned.
Am I -- Am I right?!
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Are you asking me for something?
Remember when I did Peter Pan
at Garrity Playhouse 75 years ago?
I looked good in tights.
I'm going to put a pair of tights on right now.
♪
Good luck with whatever you're talking about.
(screeches)
(sighs)
Everyone's so excited to meet you.
Uh, where are my fans?
They'll be here soon.
Please, sit down.
Let's begin with a passage
from your 68th book --
One if by Land, Two if by Tip.
The final paragraph
of what was supposed to be the penultimate book.
♪
"Tip reached for his shades but stopped.
"Brianna was a stunner.
"She was t. and t. and t. and t. --
"Toned and tanned and tush and tits.
"It hit Tip like a bolt of lighting.
"The next time he tipped his shades,
"It would be for love."
And then nothing.
No explanation from Halston Thromboux,
no press release from his publisher.
You can't bring a woman to the edge of literary climax
and then not finish!
You owe me that final book!
Look, what --
Now -- Now hold on a second, Jane.
I-I can try to explain to...
♪
I-I don't feel good.
(breathing heavily)
What did you put in my tea?
W-Where -- Where are my thrombon-a-he-yump?
(echoing) Where my thromba-he-na-yump?
(echoing) Just a hobby?
You're not well. Let me take your tea.
Where my thromba-he-na-he-yump?
When are we going?
I thought I was killing a werewolf with Neon Joe,
not hanging out with loser Sheriff.
Soon as we hear from Neon Joe.
Thought he would have called by now.
Well, I'm ready to go now.
Uh, no! No, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't hunt werewolf until, uh...
until you write your theme song.
Theme song?
Oh, he-yump.
♪
(echoing) He-yump?
(echoing) Oh, good! You're awake!
What's going on he-yump, Jane?
Why you got me tied up like this on he-yump?
(cellphone ringing)
Oh, thank you.
Hand me my phone, please?
(ringing stops)
The hell, Jane?!
There. Now you can focus on book 69.
-What? -Come, come.
That final book isn't going to write itself.
(sighs)
Reach in the front left pocket of my fashion jeans.
That's my old partner -- love of my life.
Died helping me hunt werewolf.
(wolf howls) My heart broke that day.
I'm no longer inspired to write about perky nips,
firm bulges, and tight jeans.
I'm sorry,
but I'm just not gonna be able to finish this book.
I-I'm sure you understand.
♪
(sighs)
Do you know the story of Achilles?
He survived many great battles,
just like you survived many great battles with werewolves.
(wolf howls)
But Achilles had his vulnerable spot.
Jane, what -- whatever you're thinking of doing,
may-maybe you ought to reconsider.
That's a good boy. you need to work.
So let's get this over with.
(muffled) What you doing -- What -- What you doing now?
Just take a minute before you --
Son of a he-yump!
Ohh!
-He-yump! -Oh, I am so excited
to see how Tip Shades is going to fall in love!
(growling)
♪ Aah! ♪ (growls)
What is taking so long?
Where's Jane?
-What? -You know what.
Oh, my God.
Move on! I'm the werewolf.
We both know I should be wearing that costume!
-It's not even close! -Go howl at the moon!
You put us head-to-head in an audition,
you know you lose!
♪ Whoaaaaaah! ♪
Oh, my God!
That's not even howling! That's singing!
♪ Aah ♪
(howling)
What the hell is this?!
What you mean?
♪
"Tip knew love was unattainable,
"So he filled the void in his heart
"by filling the holes of the transcontinental flight crew.
"As he tipped his shades, he said,
"'Now, this is what I call a layover.'
"And with that, the master tonguesman got to work."
Sexy stuff, right?
This is filth!
Uh, now, h-hold on, now, Jane.
T-Tip still gonna fall in love.
T-This just the erotic calm
before the true-love-filled storm.
No!
You need to start over.
He cannot tip his shades until he falls in love!
(sighs) Jane, please.
I tried.
I can't.
Then I suggest you find some new inspiration,
and quick.
Here. Maybe these'll help.
(sighs)
(grunting)
(beeping)
(Jane whistling)
Wouldn't want to leave this lying around.
♪ I'm super-cool Cleave ♪ (rock music playing)
♪ The kick-ass werewolf hunter, Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hunting werewolves ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Kickin' ass ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Werewolves gonna die ♪
Whoo! That was awesome.
Yeah, that sounded great.
That'll be $50. The price includes
a Dr. Goofington's USB thumb drive.
That's a finger, not a thumb.
I know.
It's a goof.
That was so fun.
My theme song is like a hot fudge sundae,
and the cherry on top is me killing that werewolf
and getting sweet revenge.
(smooches) Cherry.
Yeah, look, Cleave, about that.
Uh...
I'm not gonna get to kill that werewolf today, huh?
No. Probably not.
That's okay. I think what I really needed
was some cheering up, and I got that.
My suicidal thoughts are gone.
They've hung themselves on a rope
made out of the fibers of your kindness.
(cellphone vibrates) Oh. Hang on.
"Hel."
Hel, um -- Hel. He-yump.
He-yump! So, that's how you spell it.
You ready, Cleave? This town's about to get one more cool guy.
-What?! -Ready to kill that werewolf?
All right, yeah!
Thanks for delivering out here, Brooklyn Bobby.
Hey, fuh-slice-aboutit.
Brooklyn Bobby, who's a better werewolf,
-this jerk... or me? -Oh, my God.
-You don't have to answer. -(growls)
(laughs) I don't know. That's pretty scary about it.
-Whatever. -No, not whatever.
All right, all right, I get it about it.
(growls) Hey, I said I get it about it.
Hey! Shut up about it!
(screams)
Oh, God! [bleep]
Oh, my God! (gasping)
I see an angel.
She's telling me to go to the light about it.
(breathing shakily)
He's dead.
♪
- Didn't mean to! - Know you didn't!
I just got so into it!
Look at me! Look at me.
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna bury Brooklyn Bobby,
huh, and then we're never gonna talk about this ever again.
Okay.
(breathing heavily)
Let's get to it about it.
(keys clacking)
(sighs)
♪
(Jane) Why don't I hear any typing?
If you aren't typing, you're not writing.
Oh, uh, just a little bit of writer's block,
but, uh, you were right. These shades are inspirational.
I got my writer chubby back.
Can't wait.
Yeah, it gonna be good. (door shuts)
Don't you worry 'bout a thing.
Gonna be funny, hot, dirty.
Get your old 'ginie feel alive for the first time in years.
Come on. What are we waiting for?
Let's go kill that thing!
Let me just try Neon Joe just one more time.
Ugh!
Come on, Joe. What the hell?
Aah!
♪
(slow-motion) Ohh!
(slow-motion screaming)
(clears throat)
Uh, Jane?
Yes?
I'm done.
(sighs)
And, Jane, I just wanted to let you know
I couldn't have finished this without you.
It's my most erotic book yet.
(chuckles softly)
"Chapter 28.
"The Final Tip."
"Tip spotted her across the room.
"Her name was --
"Jane.
♪
"He hadn't tipped in weeks,
"and now his fingertips
"were a mere centimeter away from his shades.
"She looked up.
"His shades tipped down...
"Never to tip again.
"The end."
Oh, Halston...
It's perfect.
Oh.
♪
You think I'm gonna let you kiss my lip?
Not by the shade of my tippy, tip, tip.
♪
He-yump!
You guys are the best!
I got free pizza, my own theme song!
I got to shoot someone, and they're okay!
Hey, you guys seen Brooklyn Bobby out there anywhere?
-Um... -Uh...
No. Why?
Isn't that his car?
Fuh-Slice-Aboutit.
Uh, oh, yeah. well, maybe he came for a nature walk
During his lunch break Or something.
Yeah! does a bear shit in the woods about it?
(laughter)
Where's Neon Joe?
I don't know. He texted he-yump.
That's not he-yump. He's asking for help.
Wait. didn't you say Jane was part of your plan?
(grunting)
He-yump!
He-yump! he-yump!
He-yump!
I can't think Of a more fitting conclusion
to "The adventures of Tip Shades."
"He cocked his erect member,
"ready to unleash one final, lustful load of he-yump
"into the quivering embrace of her loins!"
(gunshot) Aah!
Oh, he-yump!
Forgot I was shooting blanks! (chuckles)
♪
(gun cocks)
(slow-motion roaring)
♪
(heartbeat)
Good job, Cleave.
(howls)
So much for your plans To get Neon Joe to leave town.
I had a change of heart. So what?
So what's next?
A change of heart regarding staying on this planet?
Some of these humans are good people.
Maybe you should try being friends with some of them.
You keep this up,
and I will see to it that you stay here permanently.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have evening plans with my current lover.
"Brianna flaunted her long, toned legs
"and firm, supple buns.
"As she breezed on by, the shades tipped easily down
"the rigid, throbbing shaft
"of his glistening, rock-hard proboscis.
"That's when he knew...
"Tip was back."
(all murmuring)
Wow!
(sighs) Bye, babe.
My heart's back On the meat market of love,
and it got a chubby.
(sniffles) Hey, guys.
-Hey. -Ohh.
-Thanks for coming out. -Bravo.
-Did you like it? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, great, great.
That was a great story, Neon Joe.
- Still have a boner. -Thank you.
Y-You know, for a writer of fine erotic fiction such as myself,
a lasting erection Is the ultimate complement.
You know, guys, I may not have gotten to kill a werewolf,
but it was sure fun getting to be a werewolf.
-Yeah! - Bet it was.
Hey, to Cleave --
The hero, who, tonight, stands alone at the top of Mount Cool.
-To Cleave! -To Cleave!
(laughter) Oh, you guys.
♪
You're a hero, man!
Well...
Come on!
♪
(snarl, howl)
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com