Intruder alert!
Remain in your seats!
Intruder alert!
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show!
APPLAUSE
Lads...
Lads, get it down.
Lads!
I'm not doing it again, lads, get it...
Get the floor manager. What's going on? Someone sort this...
Argh!
Bleeding hell, what are you doing?! Get us down! Oi!
Get us down, what's going on?
Jesus!
APPLAUSE
Yeah, that seemed like a good idea yesterday.
Jesus!
Welcome to the show!
CHEERING
In Hackney.
The famous Hackney Empire.
And I have to tell you now, we planned to do that kind of
Mission: Impossible beginning, but it's so apt that we did something
that involves somebody stealing something because I, last night...
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
..I was mugged for the first time.
No, I know, it's... I've got to tell you...
I mean, I have been coming up and down to London for years.
I've been waiting.
I've been going to parties or me mates have been telling me
about how many times they have been mugged, I've not been mugged.
I've been saying to my wife, "What's wrong with me?
"No mugger's even looking at me! Am I doing something wrong?
"Do I need some shiny jewellery?"
She said, "No, wait, your mugger will come along.
"Your mugger will come along and you'll be mugged."
And I was.
Last night, I was mugged.
I was mugged for the first time and, you know,
you think about it for years,
you wonder what it's going to be like the first time and then...
And then when it happens to you...
I'll be honest with you,
it was over a lot quicker than I thought it would be.
I was literally...
I was in Shoreditch,
which for the other people watching this who don't live in London,
Shoreditch is a part of London
where it is full of men with beards and tattoos who look like
they could cut down a tree but they've all got really soft hands.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And I was in Shoreditch
and I was doing this thing where you get a taxi...
Like you do now in London,
you get a taxi with this thing called Hailo where you Hailo a taxi
and it's like a little game because you can see it coming towards you.
And I'm stood there like that, and I didn't know.
I was just in me own world with me mobile phone.
And then it happened.
I was there, I heard a vroom... That's it.
I'll never forget that, vroom.
And then a hand reached over, ever so gentle.
Just took it out and then pissed off on the back of his scooter.
And I watched him go and I thought, "That's my first mugging."
He didn't leave a name or anything.
He just went and I thought, "Oh, God.
"I'm like everyone else in London now. I've been mugged."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I've never been mugged before.
I've never been mugged before and people would say,
"That's because you're in London. London's an unfriendly place."
It's not an unfriendly place. Give me a cheer if you're from London.
CHEERING
Yeah. And I have to say to the rest of the country, "You're OK.
"You're OK." There's an idea that you're not friendly in London.
And you are a lot friendlier than people say.
I travel a lot on the Tube.
People don't believe me when I say that but it's the best place to go
if you're recognisable because no-one looks at you.
No-one will look at you.
I've never, ever had anybody ask me
for an autograph on a photograph or anything on the Tube.
And everyone goes, "It's because they're unfriendly."
And I said, "No, it's because they're in a steel can underneath the ground.
"They're tolerating each other and that could only exist in London."
I've been on the Tube and people have walked on with backpacks.
And you all just go...
LAUGHTER
If the Tube was in the North people would go,
"What are you doing, you dickhead? Piss off!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's now, that I've had no foe... I've never been mugged before.
This all happened, what I'm going to say now. I was mugged, vroom-vroom, pissed off.
And then literally there was a lad stood next to me and he went, "Argh! Argh!"
And I went, did you see? And he went, "No, it's you. Can I have a picture?"
I said, "I've just been..."
LAUGHTER
"Not now!"
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Sometimes in comedy, someone comes along who's brand-new
and you know straightaway they're going to be a star.
That's what this lad is. I'm so pleased he's come on the show.
Please welcome Phil Wang.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right. Hey, hey. Hey, guys, hey, hey. How's it going?
LAUGHTER
All right, yeah, cool.
It's lovely to be here. Thanks for having me.
So, you're probably wondering why I'm so excited?
LAUGHTER
It's the election. I've got election fever. Ooh, my head's hot. Mm, I can't wait.
General Election 2020. It's going to be great.
I'm already preparing, reading up on my manifestoes.
Practising my crosses. Finally decided who I'm voting for.
And, yes, I'm going Ukip.
LAUGHTER
Controversial choice but I'm voting Ukip just to see where
they send me back to.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm curious.
Because I'm half Chinese, I actually look kind of ambiguous.
I could be from a bunch of places.
I want to see what they go for.
So I'm going to vote Ukip then I'm going to pretend
I don't speak any English.
And they'll start going round the country, you know,
rounding people up, sending them back.
And they'll get to me and they'll be like, "Hey. We're sending everyone back.
"Where are you from?" And I'm just like,
"Uh...
"Me no know.
"Me forget."
LAUGHTER
Cos I could be from China. I could be from the Philippines.
I could be from Hawaii. I could be from Alaska.
There are going to have to take me from country to country,
lining me up with the locals...
LAUGHTER
Seeing if I fit in.
Things are going to get expensive for them.
Meanwhile, I get to see the world.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I do like talking about race. I find race interesting.
I find racism interesting. Fascinated by racism.
And the racism that the Chinese people go through is quite unique.
It's quite different from what other ethnic minorities have to face.
It's more like a patronisation what we go through.
Like cultural, social exclusion. It's rarely violent.
You don't really hear about hate crimes against Chinese people.
You don't hear about Chinese people being attacked
randomly in the street or anything.
We're ironically protected by the racist assumption
that we can all defend ourselves.
LAUGHTER
I mean, it's not true, but we play along. It's a sweet deal.
You're Chinese, you walk down the road, see someone dangerous coming your way,
you give them a couple of...
LAUGHTER
HE GRUNTS UNINTELLIGIBLY
Suddenly THEY'RE crossing the street.
It's great. Even old Chinese ladies alone in the middle of the night...
Muggers like, "I'm not messing with her!
"I've seen Kung Fu Panda. No, thanks!" LAUGHTER
I think we suffer from quite a narrow representation in the media,
Chinese people. There aren't enough Chinese people in films.
In Western cinema, in Hollywood and stuff,
there's hardly ever a Chinese character in those movies.
And whenever there is, they're always either, like, impossibly wise...
..or offensively stupid.
LAUGHTER
like, there's no in between. It's either,
COMEDY CHINESE ACCENT: Before you can begin your search for truth...
LAUGHTER
..you must first discovered the mysteries within yourself.
LAUGHTER
Or it's, "Hey, you didn't pay for that watermelon! Hey, asshole!"
LAUGHTER
And that's it!
And I have to deal with the effects of that dichotomy every day.
Every time I meet someone new, I can see in their eyes they're thinking,
"Ah...
"So, which one is he?
"Is he a kung fu master
"or can I just take his watermelons?"
Yeah.
I've lost so many watermelons.
And it's a shame cos I want everyone to come together, regardless of all that stuff, you know.
I want everyone to love each other regardless of race and all that.
But I love seeing mixed-race couples.
Mm. Oh, man.
If I'm out on the street and I see a mixed-race couple
walking my way, I'm like, "Oh, yeah! Mm."
"Yeah!" Wonderful. I just follow them around applauding them. "Yeah, mm!"
And I never explain myself. Just, "Mm, yeah."
Trying to get in the house - "Mm, yeah!"
It's a wonderful thing to see.
It's all about love transcending all, breaking down borders
and cultural boundaries.
If I see a Chinese guy out with a white girl, I'm like, "You legend."
"Nice one, brother. Bring the world together, yeah, spread the love."
Or if I see a Chinese girl out with a white guy, I'm like,
"You treacherous slut!"
LAUGHTER
"Chinese guys not good enough, huh?"
Anyway, thanks a lot, guys. See you. Good night, bye-bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Wang!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen, the next act is a London girl.
She was top of our wish list when we put this show together.
When we told her it was going to be in the Hackney Empire she said,
"I'll do it." She loves the place, we love her. You will love her, too.
Please welcome to the stage, the unmistakable Florence And The Machine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Don't touch the sleeping pills
# They mess with my head
# Dredging up great white sharks swimming in the bed
# And here comes a killer whale to sing me to sleep
# Thrashing the covers off
# It has me by its teeth
# And oh, my love, remind me
# What was it that I said?
# I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed
# And oh, my love, remind me
# What was it that I did?
# Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch?
# Did I build this ship to wreck?
# To wreck
# Did I build this ship to wreck?
# What's with the long face? Do you want more?
# Thousands of red-eyed mice scratching at the door
# Don't let the curtain catch you cos you've been here before
# The chair is an island, darling
# You can't touch the floor
# And oh, my love, remind me
# What was it that I said?
# I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed
# And oh, my love, remind me
# What was it that I did?
# Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch?
# Did I build this ship to wreck?
# To wreck
# Did I build this ship to wreck?
# Good God
# Under starry skies we are lost
# And into the breach we got tossed
# And the water's coming in fast!
# And oh, my love, remind me
# What was it that I did?
# Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch?
# Did I build this ship to wreck?
# To wreck
♪ Did I build this ship to wreck? ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Florence And The Machine!
How brilliant was that?!
Eh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're going to hear more of them later.
Brilliant, weren't it? Brilliant.
Now, the next act is somebody that I first discovered
when I was doing a gig in Soho.
I'd arrived late and the gig was going on and I actually stood
backstage behind the curtain so I couldn't see who was on stage,
but I could hear them. This girl was performing, she was brilliant.
She had the room in raptures. She will do the same for you.
Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Ellie Taylor!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello, it's lovely to be here. My name is Ellie. I'm quite tall.
No, it's always been good for me being tall because I had an ex-boyfriend
and he said, "Ellie, you remind me of a king-sized Mars Bar. LAUGHTER
And I said "What, because I offer that little bit extra and only a real man can handle me?"
And he said, "No, because you seem like a good idea
"but I always feel sick afterwards."
LAUGHTER
Being tall has its downfalls.
It's made me very jealous of ladies who are under 5'5".
Do we have any ladies under 5'5"?
WHOOPING We do!
Quite a few little Hobbit hands creeping up!
Welcome, my Borrower friends! Welcome.
No, I think you guys are perfect.
You're exactly what a woman should be - neat and petite.
Sometimes, though, I'm accidentally quite mean to you.
I don't mean to be mean to you.
Sometimes, if I'm honest, I just don't see you.
LAUGHTER
I remember, last summer I walked directly into a short lady
wearing an orange maxi dress
because my peripheral vision labelled her as a traffic cone.
LAUGHTER
I tell you, if you ever find yourself in that situation, it does not
help things when you go, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were a traffic cone."
LAUGHTER
But my best friend Lorna, she is about 5'3"
and she has given me a lot of tips,
so I'm now banned from speaking to her like this.
She says everything that comes out of my mouth may as well just be,
"Do you like balloons?"
LAUGHTER
So I don't do that any more.
Nowadays, when I'm talking to someone smaller than myself,
I adopt I called the collapsing tripod position.
Which means during a conversation with someone shorter...
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
"Lanzarote in June, marvellous. Yeah, yeah."
It's great, though, because you get on eyelevel with the other person.
You also get a very good groin stretch out of it.
There is obviously one problem with this -
at the end of the conversation I want to get back up.
I'll tell you what short people really don't like, that is
when you use their head for leverage.
LAUGHTER
They don't like that. But being tall has always been quite a positive force in my life.
Don't worry, I'm not just going to stand here and wang on
about all the amazing things being tall has given me,
because that would be very vain, and I'm a comedian, I can't bear that sort of attention.
LAUGHTER
So absolutely definitely not going to be doing that.
What was that, man in the front row?
You'd really like me to talk about the time I spent working as a model?
Oh, I can't believe you've brought that up!
Oh, that's so embarrassing!
But go on, since you insist, we do have some time.
Um... Yes, guys... What's your name? Tom.
Tom. Yes, Tom is right. Classic Tom.
Some of you might be thinking it anyway.
You're looking at me like, "Oh, my God, is it, isn't it...?"
Yes, guys, you are in the presence of the star of the 2004
spring/summer catalogue for Matalan.
LAUGHTER
Thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
And in case any of you are in the room and you're not from the UK,
Matalan is sort of like an upmarket Gucci.
LAUGHTER
So, yeah, I modelled for quite a long time.
In the end I had to give up modelling
because I developed quite a serious addiction which ended my career,
and that was an addiction to a highly addictive substance
known on the street as lunch.
LAUGHTER
I'm not proud of it, guys, OK?
We are talking once a day seven days a week,
that's how mad I was for the stuff.
LAUGHTER
Because, just like the South American philosopher Shakira once said...
LAUGHTER
"My hips, uh-uh, they don't lie."
And my hips were mostly saying, "Oh, she'll have the steak bake, please."
My hips, they bloody love a Greggs, they do.
I should say at this point I'm aware that as a size 10, that is not a big size.
I'm aware that all the normal people here tonight will agree that a size 10 is not a big size.
As a model, as a size 10, I was like Hagrid with a thyroid problem.
LAUGHTER
I was so much bigger than all the other girls,
these tiny little size 4s, size 6s. We'd get very different jobs.
They'd be going to, like, Milan to model dresses for Prada.
I'd be going to Luton to model dressing gowns for free.
LAUGHTER
But no, I'm glad I quit modelling when I did because I'd just
started to get a bit weird about my body and about food and stuff.
And thankfully, I'm not like that any more. Nowadays I'm much more normal.
Nowadays, my attitude is, well,
I'm not actively trying to lose weight, but if one
of my friends had food poisoning, I would lick their doorknob.
Because you know, E. Coli,
that's half a stone without looking at a cross trainer, isn't it?
So, just normal is what I'm saying. Completely normal.
Guys, you've been an absolute delight.
Thank you so much for having me. I've been Ellie Taylor. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ellie Taylor, everyone!
How good was that?!
It's also brilliant that we get a woman challenging this
supermodel world, because they keep trying to dress women up for men.
I think most men in this room agree, we don't want that, do we, this size 0?
Size 0 means you're not there!
If you're a size 0 you're not there.
Soon they'll be a size negative for people who've just left!
If you're not a size, you don't exist. It's stupid.
I think it's daft.
The other thing the modelling world has to know is that men
don't like that. We like a curve.
We don't necessarily like a circumference, but we do...
LAUGHTER
We like a curve, we do!
No-one ever thinks of these skinny models and thinks, "Phooarrr!"
As a rule of thumb, as a rule of thumb, no man is ever going
to want to make love to a woman who is thinner than his own willy.
LAUGHTER
It's not only entertainment, this, it's like a magazine show.
So, are you ready for something a little bit special?
ALL: Yes!
Now, look, I've been a fan of magic all of my life,
particularly in the bedroom.
Although I have found in there that there are occasions
when it's considered a little bit rude to make a rabbit disappear.
LAUGHTER
Or even pull one out. That's all I'm saying.
LAUGHTER
I have to be honest, when that entered my head I laughed for three days.
I love it.
And as we all know, Middlesbrough is the home of magic...
Middlesbrough is the home of comedy.
Today, we've got the funniest and most magical man from Middlesbrough.
Please welcome to the stage Peter Firman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Thanks for coming on the show.
Now, as I say, I'm a fan of magic.
If you don't mind, I'd like you to do a trick with me before we kick off.
Yeah, I've brought some bits. Can we get the bits, please?
We're going to perform a classic of magic, John, you and I.
If you could just grab this tray. Don't spill anything.
This is the world-famous vanishing pint of lager trick.
We are going to cover the pint of lager with this.
This is the ancient Chinese Indian Shroud of Pakistan. Now, I cover...
LAUGHTER
I cover the pint like this. I've got to be careful not to spill it,
so I'll just lift it from the tray.
You've got it? Yeah. I say the magic words, "down in one" and...
just like that, disappears, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE How about that?!
Yes?
Pete, that is brilliant.
I have no idea how you do that.
Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Firman, what a star!
Thank you!
OK, let's see what we're working with here.
What's your name, sir, in the shirt? Chris.
Chris, have you got any paper money with you this evening, Chris?
20 or a 10? My wife's got all the money.
That's how it works, is it, Chris? OK, she is the breadwinner.
What do you do for a living, Chris? I work in telecoms.
You need to get yourself a paper round.
So, we've got Chris, who's got a tenner.
Let's see what else we're working with. How about you, sir, on the end?
5 or a 20? What have you got there? A fiver! What's your name? Dan. Dan.
Dan has a five, Chris has got a ten.
Ladies and gentlemen, give these boys a round of applause.
If you could come up on stage, Chris and Dan. Here they come.
Nice to see you, Chris. Nice to have you, yeah.
Chris, if you can stand here.
Dan, come over this side if you don't mind. Very good to have you.
Fellas, the three of us are going to play a little game. It's very simple.
Do you mind if I take the ten, Chris? And Dan, your five?
It's a simple game.
I'm going to ask you both an easy question
and you can only answer yes or no, but you must tell the truth.
That's the rules. Do you understand, Dan? Yes. Do you understand, Chris?
Yes. OK, here we go. Is that your ã5 note? No.
Is that your ã10 note? No. In that case they must be mine.
Thanks a lot, fellas, cheers.
LAUGHTER
Cheers, Chris. Cheers, Dan.
On your way, fellas.
No, no, no. Dan, you look slightly perturbed, and that's all right.
Now, boys, I can see you're dissatisfied with that,
so I will show you a trick that is easily worth ã15 of anyone's money.
I have got a deck of cards in my pocket.
Now, look, Dan, what I want you to do is reach in there...
I'll even let you see the faces of the cards.
Select any card you like, take it out, have a look at it, Dan. Remember it.
If you pass it behind my back to Chris, who is over here on my right.
Chris, if you could take this marker pen
and on the value side of the card write your name nice and big
in capital letters, so even the guys upstairs can see.
I'll step back, I don't want to peep.
When you've done that hand me the pen.
Quick as you like, Chris! There we go.
And, Chris, if you could hold up the card and our camera over there,
hold it nice and steady. Look at that, both hands.
What a pro. Bloody hell!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Chris...
..I've got a leotard at the back that's going to fit you perfect.
Chris, do me a favour, put the card back somewhere in the centre. Very good.
So here's the deal - Dan, you picked a card, Chris signed a card,
I'm going to try and find the card.
Traditional magician formula at this juncture.
But I'm going to make it tough for myself. I'm going to try
and find the card with my hands restrained behind my back.
Dan, under those circumstances you'd be impressed if I can do it.
You'd be impressed? Yeah. I'm willing to put a wager on it.
Grab those, Chris. Should I fail, I will split this between the two of you.
But because I'm feeling rather flash, I'm going to put in an extra 15 quid...
..that I didn't have this morning, into the pot.
So, Dan, I'm going to slip this into your jeans pocket.
Look at these tight slacks! Show-off!
All right, so if you could turn around and face there.
Dan, before we get to the restraints,
what I've got here is a black cloth bag.
In a minute you're going to hold the bag exactly as I am.
Fingers on the inside, thumbs on the backside.
Not yet, we'll do that in a second.
Before we get to that, we've got the solid stainless steel restraint
forged in hell...
or, as the locals like to call it, Sheffield. Now, look...
If you could just grab the padlock there, Dan.
Do me a favour, grab that and I will put my wrist there.
And if I snap that on like that
if you could just close the padlock nice and tight.
Very good. As if you were restraining somebody at home, eh?
Very good. I'll pop it around there. He's keen! No wonder you're smiling.
Just do that good and tight there, Dan.
Have you ever watched another man chain up a fella like...?
No. No. LAUGHTER
Not in front of an audience this big, I'd wager.
You've done a good job there, Dan. Now, pick up the bag as I showed you.
Fingers on the inside, thumbs on the backside.
We know the card is somewhere in the deck.
Chris, take the pack and drop it inside the cloth bag.
Yeah, good. Dan, you go back to your original position facing
the audience. Chris, back over there. You're doing very well so far.
Come a bit closer to me. And do me a favour... LAUGHTER
Have a look there, Chris, and make sure that's locked up tight.
And the chains don't pop open and the locks don't pop open?
That's very good. Thank you.
Come a bit closer, because in a minute I'm going to go in,
hands chained up, and I'm going to try and find... It's very secure.
Now, I want you to mix the cards by shaking the bag.
No, more side to side. Yeah, very good.
In a minute I'm going to go in, hands chained up,
and try and find the card that the boys...
Face the audience, they want to see your face.
I'm going to go in, hands chained up, and I'm going to try and find the card.
Now, do me a favour, Dan, if you could just let go of this end of the bag...
Keep tight hold there.
Hold there, you're doing very well so far.
I'm going to go in, hands chained up and try...
This is actually terrible theatre. I shouldn't have this done round the back,
I should have it done round the front. So I'm going to go in, ladies and gentlemen...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Bless you!
Bless you.
That's tight, Dan, that's tight. That's tight, Chris.
In a minute and going to plunge - yeah, that's right,
I'm saying it, plunge - my hands inside the bag and try and find
the card that he picked, he signed,
doing all of this while I'm chained up. It's not easy!
Not easy. So going inside the bag... trying to find one card.
Fellas, I've got one!
Ding-ding, next stop Amazementville.
LAUGHTER
Dan, in a loud voice, what was the card you picked? Ten of clubs.
Not only have I found the ten of clubs,
but I've turned it into the two of hearts. Look at that!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Bless you for clapping.
Dan, not so much. All right, well, a deal is a deal. You're all witnesses.
I'm going to hand this back. So, let's see, which was yours?
Yours was the... The ten. He's saying that quick!
So, Dan, there's your ã5 back, and, Chris, here's your ã10 back.
Inside the wallet is my ten, but there's also a zipped up section.
Inside the zipped up section is a playing card.
Not any playing card, it's a black card.
Not any black card, it's a club.
Not any club, it's the ten of clubs. Dan,
and, Chris, you signed your name on it like that. There we go!
I said I'd share it. APPLAUSE
Half for you, half for you.
Give these boys a nice big round of applause.
Dan, thank you very much indeed. Chris, thank you so much.
Dan and Chris!
Thank you so much! Good night!
Thank you! Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Firman!
John, thank you very much. How good was that?!
Are you ready for more music? ALL: Yes!
Back with a personal favourite of mine,
Dog Days Are Over, please welcome Florence And The Machine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
# Coming towards her
# Stuck still, no turning back
# She hid around corners
# And she hid under beds
# She killed it with kisses
# And from it she fled
# With every bubble she sank with a drink
# And washed it away down the kitchen sink
# The dog days are over
# The dog days are done
# The horses are coming so you better run
# Run fast for your mother Run fast for your father
# Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
# Leave all your love and your longing behind you
# Can't carry it with you if you want to survive
# The dog days are over
# The dog days are done
# Can you hear the horses?
# Cos here they come
# And I never wanted anything from you
# Except everything you had
# And what was left after that too
# Oh...
# Run fast for your mother Run fast for your father
# Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
# Leave all your love and your longing behind you
# Can't carry it with you if you want to survive
# The dog days are over
# The dog days are done
# Can you hear the horses? Cos here they
# Come
# Here they come
♪ Here they come. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Florence And The Machine!
How good was that?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, this next act is a brilliant comedian.
I was actually working with him
12 years ago on his first weekend in England.
I knew then he was brilliant. He just gets better and better.
Please welcome to the stage Tom Stade!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow! I am humbled out.
Man!
Now, listen, I've been doing this show for a long time now.
And I can feel you people tonight.
LAUGHTER
So listen, let's just get it out of the way
so it doesn't affect the show.
You're thinking, "Does Tom know?
"Is Tom even aware?"
Well, yes, I am, and you're right.
I'm looking fabulous.
LAUGHTER
I mean, I've been getting it a lot lately.
I mean, Bishop cornered me in the bathroom... LAUGHTER
..and he said, "Tom, when I see your beauty,
"it reminds me of when I saw the sunrise for the first time in my life."
And I wanted to bang him right there.
LAUGHTER
I mean, every day, every day I get up and the first thing I do is
I go to that mirror and the only thing I can think is...
"For crying out...
LAUGHTER
"For crying out loud, Tom...
"Are you EVER going to age?"
"What, did your mom bang Zeus or something?"
That's the stuff I think about.
My mom being banged by a god.
LAUGHTER
I don't even know how a god would make love, man,
I just want to hear him scream out my mom's name.
I think Zeus would have a big thunderbolt, probably.
"You like that, Janet?
"Is that good?
"Is that good, Janet?"
But listen, I would love to take credit
for all this beauty you see before you...
..but I can't.
This took a lot of hard work!
I mean, look at this beautiful lady here.
OK? Listen, this isn't natural. I know that ain't natural.
You did not...
You did not wake up like that.
I don't know what kind of hideous beast is under there.
But everybody in this theatre thanks you for covering it up.
So I think we should give credit where credit is due
for all our good-lookingness.
I for one would like to thank Boots.
LAUGHTER
Cos every time I walk into that store,
that beauty palace...
I get a ã5 pound voucher.
LAUGHTER
Every time.
I get a ã5 voucher
off any No7 product.
LAUGHTER
And the first time I went in there wasn't for cosmetics.
The first time I went in there was to get myself some odourless garlic tablets.
Because this one thing I hated about garlic was that odour.
And I pounded back about eight of them,
started breathing on all my friends.
They couldn't tell.
My breath was lying but my ass was telling the truth.
LAUGHTER
I don't remember the day specifically,
but I might have went for the 3-for-2 mix & match.
LAUGHTER
And I'll tell you right now, good people of England
and surrounding countries...
LAUGHTER
..when I do go for the 3-for-2 mix & match,
they are all going to be the same prices.
Not one will be lower than the other two!
LAUGHTER
Cos I'm not an idiot.
So I got my coupon
and I found myself some men's anti-ageing moisturiser.
Ba-bam.
And it only works on men.
I got 75ml for only ã23.
And any time I get a purchase that good, I like to show my gal.
I like to show my gal cos she rewards me for my shopping skills.
OK, I'll bring it home, she'll go, "That's a good purchase, Tom.
"You get a reward. Whip it out."
LAUGHTER
Just makes me a better shopper.
LAUGHTER
I'm looking for deals all the time.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! You guys were good!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tom Stade!
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Tom Stade!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Have you had a good night?
ALL: Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
Please put your hands together for all our guests tonight.
Thank you for watching. Good night and God bless! Thank you!
www.prijevodi-online.org