Here he is.
Hi, nan.
- You come up and see me? - Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Yeah.
- I noticed that. - You all right?
- Not bad, son. - Here you are, I'll do your pillows.
Oh, you are a good boy coming all this way to see me.
I've got to make sure you're keeping out of trouble, haven't I?
Oh, I don't know what I'd do without you, sweetheart, really I don't.
I mean, I'd be dead on me fucking back if I had to rely on these sorry bastards.
Nan, that's not fair.
And that fat woman was here again yesterday. Her with her library books.
Oh, she does look well. You seen her? She comes waddling in here pushing that trolley.
- Oh! - Nan, don't be like that, she's a volunteer.
Who is it?
She's a volunteer, she don't get paid to bring the library books round.
- She don't get paid? - No.
Fucking busybody!
Nan!
She said to me, she said to me,
"you look bored, mrs Taylor, I've got three words for you, Barbara Taylor Bradford."
I said, "yeah, I've got three words for you, love, calorie controlled diet!"
No, but you mustn't be so wicked.
She don't get nothing for coming up here, that woman, she don't get a penny.
She does that all out of the goodness of her heart.
Her big, lard-coated, flaky pastry heart.
Nan, I've brought a friend of mine to see you,
but if you're going to be like that, I'll tell her not to bother coming in.
- What do you mean, is it a girl? - Yes.
Oh, thank God for that. Oh, darling, what a relief!
Oh, here, maud, maud, do you hear that? He's got a girl coming up. Panic over.
Oh! Oh, you have made me happy, because you worry the fucking life out of me,
the way you titivate your hair sometimes.
Nan, she'll be here in a minute and I don't want you being rude.
No, me? What? I wouldn't say nothing. I'm only too pleased you ain't a theatrical.
It's just there's something she's a little bit sensitive about.
Oh, what, she got spots?
No she hasn't, but if you notice anything about her,
I don't want you to mention it.
Oh, she ain't welsh is she?
Now look, it doesn't matter what it is, she's lovely and I really like her,
so please don't say anything.
She's a dwarf.
Oh, well, I suppose it's better than nothing.
She ain't here already, is she?
No, she isn't, and I won't bring her in unless you promise to behave yourself.
May I never move, on my first holy communion. I welcome her with open arms, love.
Whatever makes you happy, that's all I care about, sweetheart.
Thanks, nan. She's just outside, I'll bring her in.
'Ere, maud, she's outside, the girl. He's bringing her in now, innit lovely?
Oh, gawd, I'll have to give her a couple of fig rolls,
I mean you've got to offer them something, ain't you?
Nan, this is Cheryl.
Glory be to God!
Nan.
- Are you okay, mrs Taylor? - Fuck that!
- Can she see me all right? - I can hardly fucking miss you, love!
She gets a bit disorientated.
Oh, I know, it's horrible when you're not feeling well.
I'm just getting over a really bad cold.
It must have nearly killed you!
All right, nan.
- What do you do for tissues, love? - Oh, God!
I mean them little pocket-sized ones, they ain't going to be any good to you, are they?
Nan, please.
'Ere, I've got a couple of old sheets in my airing cupboard.
You're welcome to them if you want them.
Have a look.
Here, I tell you what, she don't mind me, do you, Cheryl? Course not.
I'm full of admiration for you, sweetheart, I mean that.
- Come on, we'll go. - I mean, fair's fair.
It takes a lot of character to wake up every morning, look in the mirror
and still walk outside your door
with a great big walloping snout like that!
I couldn't do it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Are you going? Cheryl ain't had no fig rolls yet.
I'll be up in the morning.
All right, go on, then, be like that, won't you. Ta-ta.
'Ere, maud.
What a beautiful girl.
Right, that's all booked for you.
- There's your card. - Thank you, dear.
Let me just go over the main details of the holiday.
Details, dear? Yes, dear.
So that's two weeks in Ibiza, half board at the adonis apartments.
Your price includes flights, airport tax and all transfers.
Passengers flying are mr Derek Lesley faye and mr Leonard mincing.
That's right, dear.
Now, as the holiday is for two men, the computer has automatically given you
a twin room with two beds.
I'm afraid our booking system is still a bit archaic in that respect.
Would you like me to change it to a double bed for you?
I beg pardon?
Your apartment has two single beds. Would you like a double instead?
What on earth are you insinuating?
I'm sorry, I just assumed...
How very dare you?
What has the world come to when two men can't enjoy a simple holiday together
without being accused of sexual perversion?
Well, I never said anything about sexual perversion.
My mother and I have been coming to this travel agent for 25 years
and in all that time I've never been accused of taking deliveries up the back passage.
I'm very sorry, mr faye, I seem to have misjudged the situation.
Who, dear? You, dear? Misjudged, dear? Yes, dear.
I'll thank you for my tickets and bid you good day, dear. Come on, Leonard.
Double bed? How very dare you!
Can I just make sure we have got a four-man jacuzzi on the balcony, haven't we?
- Yes, that's booked for you. - Thank you, dear.
Right, well, I'd just like to thank you all for coming here today on this,
the happiest day of my life.
And I won't stay long, because I know everyone wants to crack on with the dancing,
but just before we do,
I thought I'd tell you about the second happiest day of my life.
Urn, the day that Victoria agreed to marry me.
Now...
It was going to be a holiday for us both on this lovely Greek island and...
Get off!
And, urn, we went to this lovely little restaurant overlooking the sea,
and, urn, I ordered a seafood platter. Now, unbeknown to Victoria,
I took the waiter aside and gave him the engagement ring
and asked him to put it on the claw of the lobster.
Come on!
Now, when the moment arrived, he brought the platter over to the table,
put it down in the middle, lifted up the lid and there...
John asked me to marry him and I said yes! In a nutshell.
Yeah.
Is that it?
- Yes. - Great!
Is it my turn now? Don't touch me.
Well...
I should first of all like to start
by apologising for my husband's fucking dull story.
He gets a bit carried away sometimes.
John proposed to me seven times. Seven!
A lesser man would probably have given up by around the fourth,
but not my John. Not my little Johnny.
He just kept banging away, wearing me down, until finally,
to save him any more humiliation, I said yes.
There comes a time in every woman's life when she says,
"oh, all right, for God's sake I'll marry you."
If only for a bit of peace and quiet.
When John first got up to speak,
I wasn't sure which one of the seven proposal stories he was going to tell,
and I thought, "Christ, I hope he doesn't go through them all",
"because although the ring on the end of a lobster claw is probably the best,"
"it's still shit!"
But you know what they say, darling,
seven times lucky.
Do... do they say that?
I know what you're thinking.
"She's had a few too many."
Well, I'm here to tell you I've had a few,
a few too many, I don't know,
I shall let you be the judge of that, because I know how much you all enjoy judging.
To date I have had 39,
all men.
39 sexual liaisons
in 15 active years.
I just wish I could remember what number John was.
£5,000 on red.
No more bets, please.
- It's red! - Yes! Yes!
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's not red, it's black.
Isn't it funny how all the colours sort of merge when they go round?
Hi guys, welcome to bbj's. I'm your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my friends call me zebedee.
I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in uranus. Careful, I'll do the jokes.
I've worked here for three years and hold the current bbj's record
for taking only 45 seconds to eat a full can of squirty cream without being sick.
I think we're just going to share a pizza, thank you.
If we're talking pizzas, I'm going to have to go and get Pedro, the pizza waiter.
Well, we know what we want.
Mamma Mia, whatta you want-a?
I was having a nice-a little sleep-a in there-a.
Oh, hi, Pedro, we were just wondering if you knew what pizzas we had today?
Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but do we really need to go through all this?
Only, we know what pizza we want.
Oh! Did you hear that, Pedro? These people haven't got time to listen to you,
so you're going to have to go straight back into my apron.
Mamma Mia, not-a back into the apron, not-a that, please-a, izza so lonely in there-a.
Urn, can we just have a jungle pizza with two diet cokes, please?
Mamma Mia, izza gonna take more-a than a diet coke-a to make you thin!
Now, Pedro, that's really rude. I want you to apologise to these ladies.
Please, can we just order one large jungle pizza?
Table-a seven a-going for-a the jungle-a pizza!
♪ We-um-um-a-way
♪ a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh
♪ in the jungle, the mighty jungle
♪ the lion sleeps tonight
I'd never go and work on a kibbutz.
Right. Sorry, do you mind if I just get on with this?
Imagine what it would do to your hair.
Look, I really need to get this done.
My hairdresser was saying, about my hair,
that going to a hot country would be really damaging for it.
Mmm.
And he should know.
- Should he? - He's very well-traveled.
Sorry?
My hairdresser, he's seen a lot of things.
- Has he? - Lovely complexion.
Great.
- Beautiful accent. - Really?
Guess where he comes from?
Oh.
Go on, have a guess where my hairdresser is from.
- Well, I really have no idea. - You'll never guess.
So what's the point?
Because it's fun! Have a guess.
I have no idea.
From whence does he hail?
I really don't have time for this.
Make time, it's fun!
Not for me.
You love it! Come on, just guess.
- I can't! - You can.
Norfolk.
Norfolk? Norfolk!
They don't have hairdressers in Norfolk!
- Birmingham. - Beautiful accent?
- Scotland? - Lovely complexion? I don't think so.
Liverpool.
Is this a perm?
Denmark.
Denmark? It's not a mullet!
- Hastings? - He's not a murderer or a transvestite.
- Uh, Eastbourne? - He's not incontinent! Come on!
- Is he from the north? - He doesn't smell!
- Um... - Come on, use your imagination, just guess!
- Bolivia. - Where?
- Prague. - No!
- Africa. - Cardiff!
My hairdresser is from Cardiff.
Wow! So he's welsh?
Yes, he is.
I need a haircut.
You need more than a haircut, you scab-faced old trout.
No more bets, please.
This is really annoying me.
It's funny, isn't it funny
when you start to think of how many different men you've slept with?
Because it makes you wonder, "do I have a type?"
Well, I realise I don't have a type,
unless you can count "they all wore shoes".
No, but seriously,
they all did have one big thing in common,
and it's not what you're thinking, because I'm including John in this.
No, everyone I've ever slept with have always been very, very conscientious
about contraception.
Even though I'm on the pill, they always insisted that we should also use a condom.
Now, I thought, "that's amazing, isn't it?" Because subconsciously,
I've always been attracted to sort of sensitive, caring, new-age kind of men.
You know, I care about my body, you care about my body.
And it turns out they just didn't want to have ginger kids.
I don't know if there are any other ginger people out there today, are there? Hmm?
Hmm, do you know any ginger people?
Yes, you do, but they're not here, are they? Because they've got no friends.
They're all at home gnawing on a turnip.
I know there's a few liberal people out there going, "no, no, no, no",
"let the ginger babies be born,
"just don't let them grow up and live next door to me.
"We don't want them bringing down our house prices,"
"cluttering up our nice tree-lined streets with their empty bottles of sunblock."
Oh, when you think...
I remember when we met,
me and... him.
He said to me, presumably it was some sort of a compliment,
he said, "I really like your colouring",
"I think it's very elizabethan."
Oh, elizabethan"? Hmm? Hmm? What's that?
Oh, yes, bad teeth and syphilis.
Still, a shag's a shag, I thought.
You've got to take it where you can get it when you look like Mick Hucknall.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
It's been over two months since my last confession.
Speak, my child. Take your time, there's no rush.
Whatever it is inside that's troubling you, just let it go.
Just let it go.
I'm sorry, it's very stuffy in here. I'm going to come back later.
Oh, my God, what does she look like with them boobs?
- They're well fake, innit. - They're too big for her head, though.
- Look at the nasty shape, though. - They're not even the same size, innit.
Maybe the left one was cheaper, is it?
You know they explode when you go on the London eye.
I'm definitely getting them when I'm older.
- Oh, my God, what is that? - What?
- When did you get that? - Get what?
The tattoo.
Oh, right, yeah, I got that yesterday. Ain't you got any?
- No, I haven't. - You are so dry.
A tattoo, though. What's it say? "Ryan and Lauren."
- You got beef with that? - No, I just didn't know you was doing it.
- What's your beef? - I ain't got beef.
- Is it that you got beef with that? - I ain't got no beef.
You have got beef.
Did it hurt?
About three hours of it, but love is pain, innit?
- I can't believe it. - That's nothing. Look at that.
Bloody hell, what are you thinking?
- I don't need your opinion, is it? - Does Ryan know you done that?
He's getting one of my face on his chest and "Ryan and Lauren" on his wrist.
- We're like Bonnie and clive. - It's Clyde.
Whatever.
Right, shut up, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.
Awright?
Awright.
Listen, I was thinking that we shouldn't see each other no more.
I need to concentrate on my MCing and stuff.
Yeah, that's fine.
Did you get your tattoo, though?
- What tattoo? - She got a tattoo.
- No, I ain't. - She got a tattoo of your face, though.
- No, I ain't, though. - But, yes, you have, though.
- No, I ain't, though. - But yes, you have, though.
- But it's there, though. - Why don't you shut up, though?
That is well bad.
Oh, my God!
You have got tattoos of him all over your body and he's just chucked you!
Am I bothered?
- But he's chucked you, though. - Am I bothered, though?
- But you got his tattoos on your body. - I ain't bothered.
- But... - Do I look bothered?
- You... - Do I look bothered, though? Look at my face.
- Look at my face. Is any part of it bothered? - But what you gonna do?
Nothing, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Take the shame, though. - No, 'cause I ain't bothered.
But you've got his name and his face on your body, though.
- Are you deaf? - But...
- Are you a deaf? - No, but...
Do you speak like a deaf, though? What's sign language for "am I bothered"?
I'm not...
- Deaf? - No, but...
- Look. Face. Bothered. - I know... just... I can't...
- Deaf. Look. Face. Look. - Yeah, but...
Deaf. Bothered. I ain't bothered!
Do you know anyone else called Ryan?
No more bets, please.
It would have probably been red.
Morning, Neville, you're early. Have you had a slow morning?
Shocking. I've not had a job since half past nine.
Oh, it's been non-stop here. Absolutely non-stop, hasn't it, Vernon?
Yeah, you're lucky you just missed the rush.
- Double cheeseburger? - Yes, please.
- Double cheese for Neville. - Thanks, vern.
Yeah, you missed all the action.
- Never believe who was here. - Go on.
What was his name? Russian fella.
Vernon, what was the name of that man who asked if we had a toilet?
Oh, what's his name?
Funny little red mark on his head.
- Not gorbachev? - That was it, gorbachev.
I didn't recognise him at first, 'cause he got off a minibus.
Yeah, he was Soviet president, '85 to '91.
Oh, yes, I know that now!
Anyway, I said, "you've only got a couple of Miles to go before you get to Wigan services,"
but he said they were on their way to watch the rugby,
he's had a few cans and he's busting.
- Who was he going to see? - Doncaster.
Anyhow, he goes round the back of the van and he has a wee there.
- Who are they playing? - West hull.
So vern goes round to drain the fat, you'll never guess what,
he's weed over vern's onions.
- Mikhail gorbachev peed over your onions? - I know.
We had to throw half of them away.
Any sauce?
Er, no, this is fine.
- Can I settle up with you on Friday? - Course you can. See you tomorrow, Neville.
It's, you know, it's funny actually, when I, when I sit here and I,
I listen to John say how happy he is that we're married and how much he loves me,
because like most of us in this room,
I've got a sneaking suspicion
that John is gay.
Something that both he and his family are very, very quick to deny.
I must say how wonderful it is to see so many of my husband's family here today.
No, it's... I'm very touched.
My father-in-law, James. Hello, sir.
Who I know is very, very proud that his baby boy has married such a...
"Free-loading ginger gypo" I believe were your words, James.
My mother-in-law, Janice.
”One two, one two, my mother-in-laws so fat!”
but she is.
And by contrast, my sister-in-law, Susan,
who's a very thin woman. She's so thin.
In fact, she's so thin, we weren't actually sure whether or not she was here today.
But I know that she's out there,
because I can smell the sick.
No, no, no, no, don't talk about the bulimics, it's a disease.
I should also like to thank our best man, Jason,
who flew in all the way from Sydney to be here today,
and in true antipodean style said to me, just before the ceremony...
"How are you love? You look great in white."
"Have I got any chance of shagging you?"
And I said, "well, you didn't have, but you do now, you smooth-talking bastard."
I should like to thank you all for coming
and finally propose a toast to me
and all who sail in me.
I went to the theatre last night.
Phantom of the opera.
Yeah.