Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
OK, guys, remember -
from today, if they say they're not registered to vote,
they're dead to us.
Apart from that, every doorstep counts.
You should have all got the text listing the issues where we
know we're strong, the NHS...
Well, the NHS, basically.
You should also have got the list of issues to avoid -
Scot Nats, Liam Byrne's note, coalitions, erm,
Blair, obviously. Yes?
Are we allowed to mention Ed Miliband now?
Yes, by all means mention him, but don't dwell on him.
What's if all they want to talk about is Ed? Just move them on.
Mention A & E waiting times. Not easy.
There was this woman yesterday who said
she could never vote for Miliband because she didn't like his mouth.
I've had a couple like that, actually.
Yeah... A...
..can see what she means...
OK, whatever you do, don't get bogged down on Ed's mouth.
STAY OFF THE MOUTH!
Listen up. You tell people it's about the team, not the captain.
Jack's right. We've got two weeks to go, come on, we can win this.
Of course we can.
Despite being led by a tosser. Erm...
To win the election, all you have to do is convince people
that your tosser is less of a tosser than the other lot's tosser.
Yes, well, that's a good thought to take away with you.
OK. Let's go. We're fighting for Britain's future.
Oh, and if it's a Bangladeshi household, make sure you
talk to the dad because he'll be the one with all the votes...
And I never said that, by the way.
And then, hopefully, we'll be round there
leafleting the shopping centre.
You'll be getting a visit from Danny Alexander to sprinkle
a bit of stardust over proceedings.
But while you're out there campaigning,
there's one word that I want you to remember.
That word is this, Foinavon.
Grand National, 1967, Foinavon is way back down the field.
I mean... he could easily have thought,
"Oh, I'm such a slow, small, useless horse,
"what is the point of me carrying on?"
But did he stop? No.
When all the front runners piled into that fence,
he rode past his fellow horses -
many of whom had to be destroyed -
erm... to victory.
And why? Because he didn't give up.
We can't expect victory, that's not why we became Lib Dems,
but we can achieve modest triumph.
So, what's the watchword for today?
Foinavon! Exactly. Remember, Foinavon, 300-1!
Yeah? 300-1!
Only slightly shorter odds than us, then.
Everything at home all right? Yeah. Kids OK?
Yeah - erm, quite quiet today, actually.
I've only had to suspend two people so...
..obviously this isn't official party policy
but personally, I think breastfeeding in public
should mean an instant on-the-spot fine.
Can call you back, love? Bye.
With prison for repeat offenders, yes. Kate?
No-one wants splashes of human milk on the bus seat. Kate!
You're welcome. Kate, who was that?
Local paper. Oh! Give me the number.
Just a reminder, Kate, I am communications.
You are logistics.
Ukip isn't about labels, Gerry. No, but maintaining discipline...
Hi! Yeah, this is Gerry Stagg from Ukip.
I believe you were just chatting to a colleague of mine.
Yeah, about the human milk...
Yeah...
Yes, my idea. Got Osborne on the cover,
but not his face as voters don't like that.
Now, did you all get the text I sent saying don't panic?
The one you sent at 3am?
Because this campaign has got nothing to panic about. "Don't panic."
If there has been any panicking, which there hasn't...
"Hasn't been panicking." ..don't worry -
not that you have been worrying.
Because today, we are wheeling out one of our big guns,
John Major. Big gun?
Yeah. John Major?
Yes.
More like a potato gun.
The latest polls indicate that 50% of women are still undecided
so I'm going to hand you over
to our fantastic new women's issues coordinator, Siobhan.
Siobhan. She's headed up a charity,
she's a pivotal addition to this team
and also... a woman.
Right...
Well, our research shows that there's a raft of issues
for female voters.
Maternity pay, education.
Don't mention that. Erm...
Childcare.
Especially nursery provision. Sam Cam.
Sorry? Sam Cam plays well with women.
Only leader's wife with a tattoo - that'll play well in Ukip areas.
Yes. And it's a tattoo of a dolphin, so mention that to Green voters.
Yes, but I think it's the issues that women...
Sorry, Siobhan, David Cameron has arrived at the shopping centre
and is keen to meet real people
so let's make sure that our real people
keep the real real people away from him.
Blame it on the Liberals.
Erm, Eric Pickles... is on the don't-talk-about list twice.
There's a good reason for that, Ruby.
Oh! Remember, no beggars, no buskers.
And don't let our guys stand under any exit signs.
Guys, there's a shitload of retweeting about the Sexy Ed pics
and some of them aren't even mine.
And on the "Ed ain't going to happen, the SNP coalition",
the Tories have just rebutted our rebuttal.
OK, contact the rapid rebuttal unit and check out
if they're planning to rapid rebut the rebutted rebuttal. On it.
Oh, Christ, here comes Little Miss Consultancy with her cupcakes.
Hey there, team. Hi!
I brought cupcakes. Wow! Super. Smashing.
When we were strategising for Obama in '08, we lived off cupcakes.
So, FYI.
Our tactics module was blue-skying last night
and the buzz was keep everything hopey-changey
and what we need now is an injection of more Ed Miliband. More?
Yeah - people need to see the real Ed.
Like, yeah, absolutely.
Which bits of the real Ed do you think they need to see?
They need to see the inside of him so we go beyond the face thing.
We showcase the happy warrior.
Show what a likeable bloke he is.
Show... They don't have to like him,
they just need to be prepared to follow him.
No-one liked Thatcher but people followed her,
even though she was a nutter.
Jack, "nutter" is one of those unhelpful words
that we talked about trying not to use.
The other thing is that Ed is still not perceived as leadership m...
We can change that. Come on, guys!
You're talking as if you don't trust him to be Prime Minister.
We trust him to be Prime Minister,
we just don't trust him to become Prime Minister.
He's doing a little better but on the doorstep,
people think he's weak and indecisive.
Well, Conor has just smashed that perception. How?
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, my lord! We make it a positive
that he shafted his brother in the back. We viral it.
No, no - sorry, Conor,
we can't possibly sanction an image like that.
It's way too violent. Yeah.
Maybe if you use a smaller knife, make it a bit less stabby.
Guys, we talked about this, the dangers of negative messaging.
This is pretty negative. Is it?
He's murdered his brother! Yeah, but decisively. Decisively.
You don't decide to... This makes us look way too desperate.
Exactly! Look, I know it comes from a good place,
but that gets deleted now before it escapes.
Yes, no, absolutely, Darren.
It is a target seat and we... Yes...
Yes, we are targeting the Conservatives,
it's just the strategy that you've outlined
does contain a few elements that are illegal.
Well, like the brick as an example, that is illegal.
No, not technically, Darren.
A brick through a window is illegal, trust me.
No, night-time doesn't make a difference, it's still...
Sorry, is Bradley there? Could you put Bradley on?
Hm, Major says SNP-Labour coalition is a recipe for mayhem.
I'd like to see John Major's idea of mayhem.
Some traffic cones that aren't in a line.
Oh... they've linked Greville Janner
to that Dolphin Square paedophile ring.
Oh, God. This Dolphin Square child sex thing is just awful. I know.
My flat there's dropped about 50K.
What's this Scot Nat symbol represent?
The noose around Ed Miliband's neck.
Ruby, can you update the Ladies First -
terrible name - website, please.
Sure thing. Hadn't I better run it past Baz first?
Why Baz? Cos he's in charge, Martin.
No, I'm in charge. Really? Is he?
Don't ask him because I am the Senior Campaign Delivery Director.
Oh! Should I run it past you, then?
Actually, I was promised autonomy over the website, so...
Oh, Baz, that thing you came up with.
Your "Miliband is Sturgeon's bitch" is trending at number four
on Twitter, just behind Poldark's pecs,
the badger that looks like Beyonce...
What sort of comment is it getting?
A lot of people say it looks nothing like Beyonce.
No... It isn't surprising because it's a badger.
Oh, you mean your political thing?!
Yes, on YouTube it's got 947 likes. Wow!
We'll never know what they mean.
They're likes.
Yeah, but do they like the fact that we're bashing the Labour Party
or do they like Miliband being someone's bitch?
They're likes! It's brilliant.
We instruct party activists...
Oh, no! It's only trending number five now... Oh!
Wow, hang on, it's gone up to number t... Oh, no!
Back down to five again, sorry.
Did she interview for this job?
We have to fire her.
She's the daughter of one of our biggest secret donors.
He said on Sunday how happy he is she's working here.
You saw him on Sunday? Mm-hm. We ride to hounds together.
To hounds?
It's number one! My political tweet is trending one?
Oh, no, the badger that looks like Beyonce.
Your political thingy is number eleven.
Sorry, lost focus.
I'm focusing now. Focus, Ruby!
Now I am laser-locked onto the task that I've been assigned.
Splendid.
What is it again?
Hm, I was talking to Charlie the driver and apparently,
this is the same bus that Tony Blair used in 2005.
But it's OK, they've had an exorcism done.
Any more fares, please? Take your seats, ladies and gentlemen,
for victory and all points beyond.
Well, Simon, we might get there quicker
if this bus wasn't so crap.
I know we're not the Cleggmobile, but the toilet's playing up.
Improvisation, that's the joy of being a liberal. Now, I hear...
Hard to improvise a toilet.
I hear there's a park round the corner.
Yep. "Liberal takes dump in bushes behind children's playground."
Not sure how that's going to play...
Comedy, excellent. Just use the cafe then.
Look, Simon, I know we're running out of cash but we're working
longer hours than Guy Barlow's accountant and we can't keep up.
Also, I was...
I was promised an experienced number two! Kevin, leave it to me.
That's what we head honchos are for, eh?
I'll sort it. Carry on, troops.
He'll sort it. That's good, then.
He'll do sod all.
I can't believe the amount of press Sturgeon's getting.
Every word she says is... Hang on.
"A stronger economy and a fairer society."
Yeah. To be honest, that is good.
Yes, it is. That's ours! "A stronger economy and a fairer society."
That's our slogan. Oh, yeah.
This is so typical - we come up with the ideas,
someone else takes all the credit.
It's like the bloody coalition all over again.
What do we have to do to get noticed?
parade through the town centre stark bollock-naked?
Kill Katie Hopkins live on TV? No, that would be popular.
Ohh... God... are you OK?
I'm fine... I...
It's just the hours. I think I may...
What's that?
It's like cheap electric shock therapy. How does that work?
I don't know how it works.
OK, so Bradley's not there. Mm. Oh, yeah. Mm.
Right, OK, Darren, look, about this brick thing.
So, I'm going to spell this out to you with words of one syllable.
A syllable is...
It doesn't matter. Mm, yeah, yeah. OK?
We will not tolerate law breaking.
A two-thirds cut for the licence fee is not nearly enough.
I mean, our main problem is the gay mafia run TV.
Darren, just hold on a minute. I mean, frankly, they might as well
run the BBC from a male brothel. I'm going to call you back.
Kate? All right, then. Kate... Cheery-bye.
Kate, who was that? My cousin. Oh, right!
She works for the Mirror.
Right... She writes horoscopes. Right.
Gerry, Kate, would you like a coffee?
Yeah, Obi, that'd be great, thank you.
What?
Where's he from?
I don't know! He's the new driver.
Darren! Look, before I forget, if anyone is going to use the word
"immigrants", could you please not attach an adjective to it?
An adjective is a describing word.
Yeah, "curry-munching" would be an adjective...
Sorry, is Bradley back yet?
Pick up, come on...
Please pick up...
We're still at 8%.
It used to be quite nice being a Liberal.
People sort of liked us, y'know?
We were fair, sporting, unsullied by success.
We were like the Tim Henman of politics.
Then came the coalition.
I say coalition, it was more like a hostage situation.
Oh, now, I think that's a bit harsh.
We have been a very effective break
on the extreme right. We've restrained their excesses...
A bit like watching a hamster trying to restrain a Rottweiler.
Sorry, erm, I don't understand.
Listen to me! Hm? Mr Pessimism!
What would Foinavon say? Er, he'd say, "Onwards and upwards!" He would.
Well, if he wasn't a horse.
You're right. Come on, let's see what coverage we've got today.
But you've got to hand it to Nigel, that was a smart move,
quoting Gandhi. That wrong-footed everyone.
Mm, I'm not a big fan of Gandhi.
If you're going to meet our royal family,
you don't turn up wearing a sheet. I'm not a fan of Gandhi, either.
He was a racist. Was he?
He said some very bad things about black Africans.
They didn't put that in the film... You see, Kate, we think alike.
Oh, hello, here's our position on drowning migrants.
Oh, God.
"It's a fine line between living up to UN obligations
"and taking action that may encourage people to come."
So sad. I blame the EU.
For stopping the rescue patrols?
No, for restarting them.
If you're going to rescue people from drowning,
it'll only make more of them get into boats.
Look, we've got to be very careful on this whole drowning migrant thing...
..because if we don't...
Oh, for Christ's sake!
One of our lot's just called them "Labour's new floating voters".
Those people are desperate. Oh, they must be if they want to go to Italy.
Gerry? Oh, cheers, Obi, you are a star. And Kate.
So, are you called Obi after Obi-Wan Kenobi?
I wish I was! I'm a huge Star Wars fan.
Me, too! Oh! "Use the Force, Luke!"
Massive fan I am!
Have you seen the new trailer? Oh, yes. "Chewie, we're home."
Text from Nigel. It's mostly swearwords.
Oh, about Neil Hamilton.
Has he been vetted?
What? Has he been vetted?
We know nothing about him. We know he's a bus driver. Could be a mole.
Or a security threat.
Or a terrorist.
Who wants a biscuit?
Hm? Could be a lone wolf.
HobNobs! Yay!
Terrorists eat biscuits, too.
26...
27...
..28...
..29. Still nothing. Christ! This is the Independent.
If they're not on our side, who is?
They've mentioned the SNP, Ukip, the Greens. Anything in the Times?
I haven't really... been looking for that.
Ah! Finally! Yeah, page 30. A letter.
Let's hope it's not about tuition fees.
Yeah, it's about tuition fees.
The one thing we don't want to talk about. We've become invisible,
an irrelevance. I don't see why people see us as an irrelevance.
After all, it's quite possible
we'll be part of a coalition for another five years.
And what's more... Sorry, I need the toilet. Sorry.
You should try a Berocca in a Red Bull with a double espresso.
Oh, just shut it, you two-faced Machiavellian cow.
You watching Nicola Sturgeon? Yeah. Yeah, I don't mean to sound bitchy,
but she does look like Jimmy Krankie in a dress, doesn't she?
Who's Jimmy Krankie?
There are some things it's best you don't know.
There are a lot of tweets about the Chilcot Report getting delayed.
They're probably waiting till Blair gets Alzheimer's.
OK, team, I'm off to love-bomb Mumsnet.
Remember, we stay positive,
because positive messages produce endorphins.
She thinks she's so bloody important.
Well, she can't be that important,
or she wouldn't be slumming it here with us. True.
Hey, Ralph! Quick heads-up - the cupcake queen has just told us
our campaign is suffering from not enough Ed Miliband.
Yeah, I know! I know, bless her.
How's Ed's walkabout going?
He's having lunch? What, in public?
OK, did you get the e-mail
about the list of foods he shouldn't attempt to eat?
Yeah, that's right, they added risotto.
Yeah, no, I thought Ed did well with Evan Davis last night.
He showed all the confidence of a man whose personal ratings
have rocketed to minus 19.
Scott! Oh...
Nothing.
I'll ask him right away. Thank you. Bye-bye.
My local branch are having a St George's Day celebration,
and they want to know if Nigel could attend
to ceremonially slay their model dragon.
Yeah, I think that could work.
It's a chance for Nigel to press the flesh,
and it also shows that Ukip stands for... good British values.
And stopping dangerous Muslims.
How would it do that? The dragon has a Muslim face painted on it.
Right, that absolutely cannot happen. Get her on the phone now.
Well, I'll try, but I think they've already bought the brown paint.
No.
And those are...? Testicles, yes. See?
"If found, please return to David Cameron."
Don't worry, they're not human. I Photoshopped them off a chimpanzee.
Oh, that's fine, then! A pair of chimp bollocks off the internet,
no-one's going to complain about that!
OK, then, new idea, "Even Farage has more balls than Cameron."
Er, see, Farage only has one testicle.
Again, targeting a shortfall in an opponent's body parts,
that's pretty negative.
No, it's targeting Cameron. See, like this one.
That's kinda vulgar.
Come on, Murdoch's telling the Sun to beat us up, so let's...
We don't stoop to their level, guys. OK?
Just put it out anonymously.
We ARE paying you above the minimum wage, aren't we? Yeah. Why?
No reason.
Oh, look at that.
Theresa May is clearly distancing herself from Cameron.
The minute she started losing weight,
you knew she'd have a crack at the leadership.
Big error. Voters are more comfortable with dumpy women.
Look at Merkel.
Think about what you just said. Voters don't like a wobbler.
Look, I mean, you'd never be having this conversation about a man.
No-one says Boris was too chubby to get elected.
Blame it on the Liberals. How come you've got a signal?
Boris is a very clever weight, plump enough not to be a threat
and not too porky to be Prime Minister.
He's just a big teddy bear, really.
Though the sort of teddy bear who'd try and have sex with you.
It's a bit unusual, actually, for a teddy bear...
The press cut Boris so much slack. Why?
"Oh, gosh, I seem to have inadvertently undermined
"the Prime Minister's position again.
"Oh, ooh, ooh, crikey,
"my cock has accidentally fallen into this lady's vagina.
"Crumbs, that'll be another baby by another mistress.
"Ooh, dear, ooh, dear. Ooh, my hair! Ooh!
"Hey, the Olympics!
"Riff-raff! Whoops-a-daisy,
"I've ridden my Boris bike into another lady's vagina."
I'm just saying he's not a big team player, that's all.
We need women voters, and women voters like him.
Do we? Yes.
But he sleeps around! Yes. With women.
OK, Paddy live on BBC News. Here we go.
Try not to say "I want to be clear,"
try not to say "hard-working families"!
Mr Major, who had 16 bastards.
"Bastards"? He called them bastards, that's his word, not mine.
"Bastards"...
"Mr Blair used the phrase about Mr Major because of the bastards."
"Bastards." Unexpected.
..has not 16 bastards... "Bastards." ..but 60 bastards. And "bastards".
Well! We'll be in the papers tomorrow. Hm. Yeah.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.