♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Rose, what are you doing?
I'm diapering a turkey.
It's been so long since I changed a diaper,
I figured I'd practice before the baby gets here.
Ma! Hello, Martha. Where were you?
I'll give you a hint.
The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth
and didn't give a damn.
Who died?
My best friend, Lydia. I'm so sorry.
She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.
I always wondered why blessings wore disguises.
If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.
(doorbell)
Oh, that must be the baby.
There's a baby coming?
A couple from my church are going camping
over the weekend, and we get to take care of the baby.
Good. Maybe now you'll get some food I can chew.
How about a cup of tea, Martha?
A little. I made a pig of myself at the funeral.
It was nice. Everybody had a good time.
I'm going to miss her so much.
I know. But you said yourself,
the last few weeks were so hard on her.
At least now she's resting peacefully.
I feel so bad.
Hey, I'm the one who should feel bad.
Lydia and I were wearing the same dress.
Honey, can we go now?
I've been planning this for months - a weekend alone in the woods.
It's going to be perfect.
It sounds romantic. Maybe you'll have another baby.
I'd better make sure we packed everything.
Well, thanks again.
Goodbye, Francis. You be good now.
Now, don't you worry about a thing.
What a beautiful little thing.
Yes. What is it, Rose? A boy or a girl?
Of course!
I mean, is it Frances as in Francie,
or Francis as in Frank?
I don't know. It's wearing yellow.
We could find out, Rose. How?
Put on the Dolphins game and see if it watches.
By looking, Rose!
We could change its diaper, and see if it has a winky.
A "winky"?
That's the scientific term for it, when it's little.
But the baby isn't wet.
We'll change it anyway. Here you go.
Here I go?
The best time to change a diaper
is when there's nothing in it.
I'll do it. You can help me.
OK. Ready?
One, two, three...
(all) Frank.
May I help you, madame?
How d'you know I'm not a mademoiselle?
Because what man in his right mind
would leave you to languish on the vine?
If this was Sicily, you wouldn't have any lips left.
Take me to my friend Martha Lamont's table,
and try not to fall in love.
Miss Lamont is waiting for you at the bar.
Oh, good. With luck, she found somebody who'll pay for dinner.
Martha! You look terrific.
Are those new knee-highs?
It's a new attitude - eat, drink and be merry.
Hey, Jacques.
Gimme a hand, and watch where you put it.
That was better than I thought it would be.
Now I can't wait to get down.
Hi. Can I get you ladies drinks?
I'll have a Manhattan. And don't slip me any of the cheap stuff.
I'll have another Harvey Wallbanger.
You've seen quite a bit of Mr. Wallbanger tonight.
I'm celebrating,
because I've just had an idea that will change my life.
Order anything you like.
I'm going to have the shrimp cocktail,
the cream of mushroom soup,
asparagus with hollandaise sauce,
and the filet mignon.
I like cholesterol as much as the next guy,
but you're never gonna get blood to your feet again.
I'd like to drink a toast.
To Sophia, whom I hope I can count on.
For what?
Get your lips off Harvey and tell me what you want!
Since you mentioned it, I want you to do something for me.
I want you to come over to my place tomorrow night.
What, is it your birthday?
Sophia, there aren't going to be any more birthdays.
What are you telling me?
I have so many things wrong with me -
arthritis, high blood pressure,
angina, just to mention a few.
Who doesn't? You can't get into a canasta game
unless you have at least two debilitating diseases.
Your table is ready, mesdames.
I don't know, for me it was better the first time.
What do you think?
Right this way, please.
So why do you want me to be at your house tomorrow?
I want you to be there when I kill myself.
(Francis crying) What is it, Blanche?
I can't quite make it out. I think my eyes are tired.
Your eyes are old.
Blanche, when are you gonna admit you need glasses?
I do not need glasses.
My mother didn't need glasses till the day she died.
And then it seemed silly.
What is his temperature, Blanche?
I do not know, Dorothy.
Even with perfect eyesight, nobody can read one of these things.
Oh, my God. It's 103.2!
The poor baby!
We'd better contact his parents.
They're out in the woods somewh-
We'd better call Harry.
We're very lucky we have a pediatrician right down the street.
No, that's a bad idea. Why?
Because by the time I get my hair done and my face on,
that baby could be in serious trouble.
Let's call his real pediatrician.
OK. Pediatrician. Pe...
Here it is. Dr. Harry Weston.
Oh, God! Oh, come on, Blanche, he's a doctor.
He's used to seeing people at their worst.
And if you comb your hair, you can be right in that ball park.
Harry? Dorothy.
Listen, I'm so sorry I have to call you at home,
but we're taking care of the Lillistrand baby,
and he's running a very high fever.
Could you come over right away?
No, this is not Blanche playing a joke.
Thanks, Harry. Thanks very much.
He's coming? Right away.
I'd better freshen up.
Blanche, he is not coming over to look at you.
He's coming over to look at the baby.
I will be holding the baby, next to my bosom.
What a magnificent picture.
God, I wish that thing didn't look so sickly.
(crying continues)
I don't care if you are paying for dinner.
What you wanna do is crazy.
It's time to go, Sophia.
I don't want to see another Monday.
I don't want to wait, and end up going like Lydia.
I'm going to decide when it's over.
I always thought somebody named God did that.
You don't understand.
I'm afraid of the pain, of the hurting.
I'm afraid of being alone, of dying alone.
I can take the pills myself,
but I want you to be there and hold my hand.
You're right, I don't understand.
I'd do anything to stay alive. If my heart stopped beating,
I'd want every doctor in town jumping up and down on my chest.
You say that now,
but I don't have the courage to die by inches.
I'm going to do it, whether you're there or not.
I don't want to die alone. Please, help me.
(Francis crying)
Dorothy, do you think this looks alluring and yet nurselike?
I don't know, Blanche.
Maybe the earrings put it over the top.
Oh, no, I did that for the baby -
they love shiny things.
Listen, maybe you two oughtta wait
in the kitchen with the kid.
(doorbell)
Oh, I'll get it. Freeze! Don't go near that door.
Gimme that thing.
Hello, Frank, darling. (coos)
How do I look?
It's all wrong, Blanche. The baby doesn't match your shoes.
Hello, ladies! (Dorothy) Oh, Harry, thanks so much for coming over.
Frank! Frank, talk to me. What's going on here?
He isn't feeling very well,
so we thought we'd have you over for a drink.
Hey, why don't we just forget the baby and go dancing?
Oh!
Blanche, that is some outfit!
What do you call that?
A negligee.
Brings back fond memories.
My mother used to have one just like it.
Here, take him - he's wet.
Well, somebody better change him,
or he'll get a rash on his winky.
We're sorry we had to disturb you, Harry,
but he's running a fever of 103.
What do you think it is?
He could be teething, it could be the flu.
Maybe he's just a hypochondriac.
Really?
Well, let's take a look.
So, you've been keeping these ladies busy, have you?
Oh, I didn't mind.
I have such a highly developed maternal instinct.
Uh, I was talking to the baby, Blanche.
Any other symptoms? Rash or...?
No, he was fine one minute, and running a fever the next.
Is it the usual? Huh?
Yeah. Frank tends to get ear infections from time to time.
Is he gonna be all right? He'll be fine. We'll keep a close watch on him.
Give him four drops of this right now,
and then once every two hours.
Give him plenty of fluids so he doesn't get dehydrated.
And I'll check back on you tomorrow.
When are we supposed to sleep?
Not that I mind. I was born to heal.
Heel, Blanche!
Welcome back to motherhood, ladies.
I'm sure you were good mothers and you remember what to do.
Blanche, watch the others. You look like you pick up things quickly.
Gotta go.
Bye.
(Francis crying)
What is wrong with this baby?
Honey, darling, please shut up for Aunt Blanche!
You know, back in St. Olaf,
we had a surefire method for getting babies to sleep.
If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven
figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.
OK, I've got another one.
Whenever my kids couldn't sleep, we always sang to them.
A lullaby? Sort of. "Mr. Sandman."
Oh, I don't know, Rose...
Dorothy, come on. It's worth a try.
It's either we sing or he sings.
Oh, all right.
♪ Boom
Well? Well what?
After my "boom" comes your "boom," and then yours -
until we're all "boom"ing.
How complicated is that herring thing?
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Mr. Sandman
♪ Bring me a dream ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Give him two lips like roses and clover
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over
(silence)
(crying)
(resume song)
♪ Mr. Sandman (deep) ♪ Yes?
♪ Bring me a dream
♪ Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Give him the word that I'm not a rover
♪ Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over
♪ Mr. Sandman
♪ I'm so alone...
Boy, you guys really stink.
We were just singing the baby to sleep.
It was waking me up.
Maybe we ought to go out in the kitchen.
So we can talk.
So we can eat. Better.
Ma, we're sorry our singing woke you.
It wasn't you. I had a horrible nightmare.
I dreamt my Uncle Giuseppe came down from heaven
and was pointing a finger at me.
I think it was a finger.
And he was warning me - if I did a certain thing, I wouldn't get into heaven.
What thing? Try murder.
It was just a dream, Sophia.
It's not just a dream for me.
Martha wants to commit suicide,
and she wants me to be there with her.
And what did you say?
I said I'd think about it.
You can't say no to somebody who pops for a $75 dinner.
Tell them, Blanche.
Ma, I can't believe that you're seriously considering
getting involved in this!
Martha's a sick woman. And she doesn't wanna get any sicker.
She's gonna do it anyway, so why should she die alone?
This is wrong, Sophia.
Forget about whether this is right or wrong.
Ma, I'm worried about you!
When Martha takes those pills or whatever
and the life drains out of her,
you're gonna be in that room, alone.
What are you gonna do, Ma? How are you gonna feel?
I don't know, but I'll deal with it.
When my time comes, I sure want somebody
to put me out of my misery if something tragic happens -
like I get a fatal illness, or I've lost my looks.
Tell us when, Blanche.
Ma, I forbid you to do this.
Sometimes you forget - I'm the mother here.
That has nothing to do with this.
It has everything to do with this.
In the 25 years I have on you, I've learned something.
I just wish I could remember what it is.
Oh, yeah, I got it.
It's not whether you agree or disagree with somebody.
It's whether you can be there for that person when they need you.
Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this.
You know, this reminds me of the story
of Gunilla Ulf's daughter,
St. Olaf's very own angel of death.
Tell it, Rose. Tell it.
Really? All the way through?
All the way through. But please try to make the end
come as close to the beginning as possible.
Well, Gunilla Ulf's daughter was a nurse
at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital.
One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsson,
and he asked her if she would get him
some more mouth moisteners and then kill him.
Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away,
but the killing thing
seemed to go against everything she'd been taught.
You're doing beautifully, Rose.
He begged and he begged,
and by her coffee break, she couldn't stand it anymore,
so she pulled the plug and he died.
Well, she was racked with guilt that night.
Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot,
but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading
was the pain talking, or the medication talking,
or the guy in the next bed talking!
You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar von Bergen,
St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.
Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we?
I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.
Yes!
Sven came back to haunt Gunilla -
since then, every Tuesday night at ten.
Nine, Central time. Oh!
She hears noises.
Some say it's the wind, but...
some say it's Sven's voice
whispering back from the other side,
saying, "Turn around quick - his lips are moving."
You see that, Ma?
You kill someone,
you end up being a Rose story.
Is this what you want?
Dorothy, I'll worry about me later.
I gotta do this.
Goodnight, pussycat.
(gasps)
You came.
I said I would.
Come in. Come in and sit down.
I have something to show you.
Look, ten carats, and not a flaw.
I bought it today, on time. (chuckles)
Very nice.
Look, I was thinking,
maybe you shouldn't go through with this...
No, I have to go.
I've never felt so happy.
Do you like the ring?
Reminds me of a doorknob I had back in Brooklyn.
What are you doing?
Just my way of saying thank you.
Well, I think I've taken care of everything.
Now, you'll see to it that they don't put lipstick on my teeth.
Don't worry. I'll take them out and check them personally.
Well...
I guess...
it's time to go.
You will hold my hand?
Sure I will.
I'm so glad I don't have to go alone.
Uh... d'you remember how we met?
Yes. About eight years ago.
We shared a room in the hospital.
You had the heart scare, I was the gall bladder.
They gave you my sponge bath by mistake.
You ate my Jell-O. It was a horrible little room.
We couldn't wait to get out of it.
Because we wanted to live. Yes. I remember.
Remember better. Remember life.
I don't have much of one.
I'm not like you.
You live with friends and family,
holidays and warmth.
I hear the silence.
We'll talk. We'll talk all the time.
You can come over Thanksgiving,
Christmas, every Friday night.
I may not be there, but you could always talk to Rose.
No, I want to go. Lydia looked so peaceful.
We're not in this life for peace!
You're crying!
No, I'm not. I don't cry. I can see your tears.
I can see yours. Know what that tells me?
What? You're not as ready to die as you think you are.
You still wanna live, kid.
Some kid!
I don't know what to do.
That's the point. If you're not sure,
you can't change your mind tomorrow.
You wanted me to be here for your death.
How about letting me be here for your life?
Like a friend?
Like a best friend.
Dorothy, honey, sit down. Pacing isn't gonna help.
I just can't stop thinking about Ma.
Look at that! Perfect - 98.6.
Yeah, that's what it looks like to me.
Thank God! That means he's better.
Here. I'm pooped.
I guess there must be a reason
why women have babies when they're 20ish instead of 40ish.
Blanche, the only thing in this room
that's 40ish is your hairdo.
Ma.
It's OK. She changed her mind.
Oh, Ma, Thank God! I know, Dorothy. I know.
(doorbell rings) That must be the Lillistrands.
Frank, we love you, but you are out of here.
Gimme a minute.
Sure.
Listen, you. You're just starting out.
You're in for the long haul.
Keep your seat belt on -
there are lots of twists and turns.
(crying)
Stop that, or they're gonna come in here and sing again!